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Well, that's game.

Ben, that's game.

That's two beers you owe me.

Come on, how about another one?

That young son of mine should have been back by now.

Oh, Pa, it's gonna take him quite a spell

to round up all them horses.

It doesn't have to take this long, does it?

Oh, Ben, quit being an old mother hen.

You know Little Joe can take care of himself.

Here he comes now.

Why you riding like that, Joe? What have you...

what have you got that saddle all around you for?

Because I can't sit down.

Why not?

I got sh-shot.

Shot?!

Where?

Right in the middle of the Ponderosa.

Help-help me down.

No. Wait!

Wait a minute. That's...

Easy. Easy. Easy! Easy...

Oh... no!

Who shot you, Joe?

I don't...

I don't know.

Well, what happened?

I was...

I was running towards this fella, see.

Wait a minute, wait a minute, wait a minute.

Were you running backwards?

No, I wasn't running backwards.

A bullet ricocheted off a rock near Willow Creek.

Well, just don't stand there.

Do something.

Like what?

Like go after him.

Go after who?

The man that shot me.

Well, who was he?

I told you I don't know!

Joseph, Joseph, just calm down.

Calm down? Now, let's try to make some sense out of this.

Come on, now, sit down over there.

Pa, I-I told you,

I-I can't sit down, Pa.

I can't sit...

What's this? Whose hat is this?

It's his hat.

Whose hat?

The man that... the man that shot me's hat!

All right now, quiet down everybody.

If a crime has been committed...

"If a crime has been committed'

Did you hear that?

"If a crime has been committed."

Now, hold everything, Joe.

Just give me the facts, will you?

Give him the facts.

All right, here are the facts.

Here are the facts.

I'm riding along, Pa, peacefully.

I'm riding along, I ride over a ridge.

There I see a man lassoing one of our horses.

I get off my horse, and I start to go towards him.

He shoots at me.

I shoot at him, he shoots at me.

I think, I think I hit him in the left shoulder.

And I know where he hit me.

Then I-I shot that hat off his head.

Seems like you fellas

were playing a little game of heads and tails.

You...

There's a name in here, J. Rikeman.

That mean anything to you?

Never heard of him.

What did he look like, Joe?

I don't know.

He was too-too far away.

Well, I'll do some investigating as soon as I can.

As soon as you can? How soon is that?

Well, I don't know.

I got to meet Sheriff Coffee in Carson City tomorrow morning.

I'm sorry, Joe.

Well, look, if you're, if you're just gonna

let murderers get away snot-free,

maybe we could use a new deputy around here.

Now, wait a minute, Joe.

Wait a minute.

Could you send, uh, the other deputy?

Well, he's got the measles, Ben.

"Got the measles."

Measles.

I'm sorry, I can't do anything right now.

Well, could you deputize somebody else?

Well, like who?

Want to give it a try, Hoss?

It's all right, brother, forget it.

Forget it.

Let the man who tried to murder your brother,

your own brother, your own flesh and blood,

let him ride away.

Let him get away snot-free.

Forget I asked you.

I'll swear you in.

Do you?

I do.

You are.

I think I'll, uh,

go in the house, S-soak my feet.

Howdy.

Nice weather we're having, huh?

Tolerable.

I'm looking for a fella by the name of Rikeman,

J. Rikeman. You ever hear of him?

Nope.

Thanks.

Welcome.

♪♪

Howdy, ma'am.

Hi.

Hey.

Howdy, boys.

Can't trust a man Charlie don't like.

I reckon this is Charlie, huh?

That's Charlie.

Well, maybe he just don't know me.

Neither do we.

Yeah, the name's Cartwright.

Hoss Cartwright.

Ponderosa Cartwrights?

That's right.

May be wrong.

What you doing on our patch of land?

I'm, uh, looking for a fella by the name of Rikeman.

Well, I can open, fellas.

Which Rikeman?

Just J. Rikeman's all I know.

You a friend of his?

No. Uh, as a matter of fact, I ain't never seen him.

I'm-I'm a special deputy.

I just want to ask him some questions.

You aiming to arrest him?

Well, that... that sort of depends.

So, um, you don't know Rikeman, huh?

No. I ain't got much of a description of him, neither.

Well...

Maybe we can, uh, help him out, huh, boys?

I'd appreciate that.

Well, Rikeman has got two heads--

Each one of 'em meaner than the other one--

Got four arms that move like sidewinders

and four legs that stomp like mules.

Uses a wagon tongue for a toothpick,

and he can shoot a bumblebee in the behind at 400 yards.

Just an ordinary sort of fella, then, huh?

Might say that.

You've been a big help.

Thanks.

Welcome.

Beer.

No beer.

Milk?

No milk.

Water?

No charge.

Thanks.

Welcome.

Up in the hills, we got a lot of wild hogs.

Wild hogs got big noses.

Sometimes they put their noses in the wrong place,

and when they do, they get bit.

I can see that news travels fast around here.

Yeah.

Especially bad news.

Meaning what?

Meaning...

don't be a hog.

Hey, we don't allow no dogs around here.

He ain't mine.

I wasn't talking about him.

You know, this is really and truly a nice,

friendly little town, yes, sir.

I've been here 20 minutes, and in those 20 minutes,

I've been snapped at, snipped at and snarled at,

and I got a funny feeling that if I hang around much longer,

I'm liable to get shot at.

I came into this town looking for a fella

I've never seen before named J. Rikeman.

Know very little about him.

One thing-- he likes to shoot at fellers.

Another thing is he likes to freeload

on other peoples' broodmares.

I got another funny feeling.

I got a funny feeling I just found him.

Put your gun up there on the bar and slide it down.

Move.

You, too, buddy.

On the bar.

What's your name?

Rikeman, J.

Your name, not your initial.

J for Jeb.

Yours?

Judd.

Well...

looks like I hit the jackpot, don't it, boys?

I didn't know your kind came in bunches.

But if there's a dozen of you,

I'm gonna take you back to Virginia City

and you're gonna stand trial.

Virginia City?

Oh, that's about 80, 100 miles from here.

I haven't been out of town half a mile in a year.

Me neither.

That's good.

You can tell it to the judge.

Now, wait a minute, I don't see any sense in that.

Jeb just told you he hasn't been within miles of that place,

and I told you the same thing.

Now, it seems to me that's about the end of it.

Besides, nobody got killed, did they?

That's right.

Nobody did get killed.

But how did you know that?

Oh, he wasn't telling you.

He was just asking.

Yeah?

Well, from now on, I'm going to do the asking.

And you boys are gonna do the answering.

Now let's get over and see the sheriff.

I'm sure you've had occasion to meet him several times.

Now, now just a minute.

You got any proof of what you been saying?

I got all the proof I need, buddy.

Now get moving.

Kind of looks like your percentage is gone.

Got a nice, even fight right here.

Ain't you fellas a little bit young for all this rough stuff?

Yeah, but you see, we're gonna get older.

You mightn't.

Well, how do you want it?

For, uh, keeps or for fun?

All right. All right.

I'm getting just about sick and tired of this town and you.

And that goes for you, too, Charlie.

And all this talk.

Now, come on.

0h!

I'm sorry, ma'am. I'm terribly sorry.

Here, I'll help you pick this stuff up.

We're having a little disagreement in there.

There you are, ma'am.

Let loose of 'em.

All right, you two, git.

I said to you, git!

But, ma'am, these two... Let 'em out of here.

Ma'am, I don't want them two... Now...

you pick up that chair and sit down.

This is the second time this month

this place has been busted up.

Well, don't we always clean it up for you?

Give me my gun.

All right, you two, git.

We're just getting our irons, Ma.

Ma'am, I sure would like to... They won't go far.

When they're all heated up, they'll just be more trouble.

You, uh, you ought to relax some yourself.

Now, just... cool off.

Hey, let me see fatso's gun.

What are you gonna do? What are you gonna do?

Ooh-hoo...

Reckon he'll be a real little man now, huh?

Oh, come on, come on, come on.

You look like a real nice man.

What I can see of you.

What are you doing picking on those two little boys?

"Two little boys"? Ha!

That's a laugh.

Meaning a couple of wild bulls,

those "two little boys," as you call them.

Well... they...

they might be a little ornery...

but, uh...

they're real good hands,

they work real hard, and out on the ranch

they're as quiet as a couple of milk cows.

You know, this is a real small town and they are young,

and maybe there isn't too much excitement around here for 'em.

They work for you?

Well, that's a hard question-- sometimes I don't know

whether they work for me or I work for them.

I guess it's a little bit of both. I'm their mother.

Ma'am, I...

hate to tell you this, but...

one of your boys is guilty of attempted horse theft

and assault with a deadly weapon.

Well, you got, uh... you got positive proof

that one of my boys did what you say?

No, ma'am, I ain't got proof positive,

but there's lots of circumstantial evidence.

Any horses took?

No, ma'am.

Any money took?

No.

Anybody got shot?

Yeah.

Yeah, somebody got shot.

My little brother got shot, that's who got shot.

Where was he shot?

Well, he was shot in the...

He was shot...

well, where the... person meets the saddle.

Well, that don't sound too serious to me.

Well, how would you like to get shot in the...?

Well, is your brother all right now?

Well, he can't sit down.

Well...

you know, you look like a real reasonable young man.

And on the basis of what you have just told me...

mister, you can go shinny up a gum tree.

You think I'm gonna turn over one of my boys to you

or to anybody else, you are wrong.

Mister, your case is a bottle short.

Uh, ma'am, why don't we let the court decide that?

Strange court in a strange town,

with the judge scratching the sheriff's back

and the sheriff scratching the judge's back.

They're both up for election,

and the local people are breathing down their necks.

A man would have a fine chance in a court like that.

Besides, in my opinion, it just ain't much of a crime.

My boys are young and they're feisty

and a little bit rougher than most, but they ain't criminals.

The meeting's now adjourned. Ma'am...

may I just suggest that they... they try to clear themselves?

Is your brother a young fella?

Yes'm.

He's got lots of time to sit down.

♪♪

Freddie, have you seen my gun?

Here. Ah. Very good.

Thanks.

Welcome.

♪♪

I bumped into that lady a while ago

and knocked all...

♪♪

♪♪

You know...

can't trust a man that Charlie don't like.

Pretty lively little ruckus over there.

Saw most of it from here.

Didn't go over, though.

Can't stand the sight of blood. Heh.

Chaw?

No, thanks.

You ought to.

I've been chawing since I was seven.

Tobacco kills the germs so as your gums don't rot.

You in, uh, some sort of trouble?

Nope.

Just doing my job.

In town to pick up a fella by the name of Rikeman.

Oh, then you are in trouble.

Which one you after, Jeb or Judd?

Well, there's sort of a problem there.

I... I don't know which one I'm after.

Well, whoever it is you want, whatever was it he did?

Well, he tried to steal a horse and he shot a man.

Kill him?

Nope.

Too bad.

Could've used the business.

You a sheriff?

Nope. I'm just a special deputy that's... sent into town

to pick up Rikeman and take him back to stand trial, that's all.

And you can't figure out which one you want-- that about it?

That's about it.

Well, that is a problem, all right, all right.

Now, the Rikeman boys, they ain't killers.

Of course, there ain't a henhouse in town

they ain't thieved, and...

Neighbors all grease their pigs

when they see the Rikeman boys coming.

Maybe they steal just out of plain cussedness.

They ain't never thieved a bank

or shot anybody or anything important like that.

They're just trying to be real outlaws

and just can't seem to make it.

Yeah.

Give 'em time.

You might be right.

They're mean enough for anything.

Eh, but Willie Mae,

she keeps both of 'em on a right short rein.

Yeah, quite a woman, Willie Mae. Yeah.

You sure you don't want a chaw?

You ought to have a chaw.

Hardens up the jaw muscles.

Could you tell me where the sheriff's office is at?

Well... half the time it's in the jail,

and the other half the time it's in the saloon.

Now, if he ain't in jail, he's drunk.

If he ain't in the saloon, he's broke.

Well, now he ain't in the saloon,

so he must be in the jail.

It's down the street.

Thanks.

It won't do you much good, though.

The sheriff, he's a real character.

He ain't normal like the rest of us folks here.

Putting him in charge of the hoosegow

is like putting a fox in charge of the chickens.

He likes his liquor,

ain't shot his gun in five years,

except maybe to chase off a few crows,

and he's yellower than a dry cornstalk.

Otherwise, he's a... he's a pretty nice fella.

You sure you don't want a chaw?

No, thanks. Have it your own way.

Uh, you, uh, you need any business, though,

you call on me.

I shave 'em cleaner and keener,

and bury 'em deeper and cheaper.

Thanks.

Welcome.

Howdy.

You, uh...

you the sheriff?

I guess I am.

What's on your mind?

Well, I...

I got sort of a problem.

You got a problem?

I got sciatica, my wife's got the croup,

and I ain't been paid in four months.

And you got a problem. Ha!

Well, let's have it.

Well, I...

I've been deputized to come here

and pick up a man for questioning.

Questioning for what?

For horse-thieving and shooting at a man.

Who do you claim shot him?

Fella by the name of Rikeman.

Just one man named Rikeman?

That's right.

Well, now, that's different.

We got two Rikemans here.

Which one was it?

I-I don't know.

He don't know.

What do you think of that, Skinny?

When you find out,

come back.

If I do, will I get a warrant?

No.

Why not?

Until I get paid my wages, I don't do nothing.

Well, I reckon that sort of leaves me on my own, don't it?

And good luck to you.

Oh, uh, if there's any shooting,

don't expect me to come a-running.

No.

Don't worry, I won't.

And by the way,

you get this varmint off my back, or...

...pop goes the weasel.

Thanks.

Welcome. Welcome.

You still in town?

Yeah.

You know, Freddie, a peculiar thing about this town.

You look at it from a distance

and it's as pretty as a wildflower.

But you get in close and take a good look at it

and it takes on the appearance of a cactus--

It's thorny, sticky and poisonous.

You talk real pretty.

Yeah.

Freddie, maybe you can talk pretty.

I need some information.

Sorry, we just plumb ran out of information.

Freddie...

where do the Rikeman boys hang out?

Look, like I said, we're fresh out of information.

But we just got in a big supply of advice.

You're too nosy for your own...

Don't hit me, mister.

Don't you hit me.

I'm a sick man.

Yeah. Yep, you sure are at that.

That's using your head, young feller.

Too many people using their fists around here.

Now how about a touch?

It might ease your temper.

No, thanks.

Tastes like formaldehyde.

Why do you drink it?

It's all you've got.

You talk to the sheriff?

Yep.

Was I right?

Right as rain.

Well, I guess you'll saddle up

and trot on home, huh?

No, sir.

No, sir. I came here to do a job, and I'm going to do it.

That's the kind of talk I like to hear.

You know, I still think it was the Rikemans

stole them bronze handles off that coffin

I had sent up here for ol' Colonel Atchison.

Well, they might act a little rough at times,

but they're local boys and they're good customers.

I wish they was customers of mine.

Well, good luck.

Maybe them Rikemans will get buggy-whipped after all.

Well, you can't fish a stream that's dry.

I ain't been able to locate them.

No line on 'em, huh?

Nope.

This town is full of advice but danged little information.

Well, I'll tell you now.

You go out that door, you ride south for a mile and a half,

turn left at Superstition Fork for a half-mile

and you'll see what looks like an overgrown outhouse

standing there mean and nasty behind a stand of wild oaks.

There's also a rickety barn filled with stolen saddles

and probably a re-branded steer or two.

There's no telling what or who you might find out there.

Are you sure you won't have a touch just to get you going?

No, thanks.

Well, if anybody should turn up dead,

and I hope it ain't you, I'd appreciate the business.

I know, cheaper and deeper, right?

Yeah. Yeah. Thanks.

Welcome.

♪♪

If you ever expect to be a deputy around here,

you'd better settle down, boy.

♪♪

Hey! Hey, let me down from here!

Confound it, cut me down from here!

Hey, you two, cut me down here, you two little skunks!

Dad-burnit, quit playing games

and cut me down from here, you two jackasses.

Swing the bear. Swing the bear!

Hey. Hey, let me down from here. Swing the bear!

Hey, you two...

Swing the bear! Dad-burnit, cut me down here,

you two little skunks! Swing the bear!

Swing the bear! You better hope your ma's here

to protect you when I get down... Get me down!

Swing the bear!

Hold it!

I said hold it!

Oh, Ma. Come on, Ma.

Well, what are you hanging around here for?

Well, just visiting, ma'am.

Just visiting.

No, Ma, he was trespassing.

We got a right to do whatever... Shut up.

Now, you have been butting these two little boys around

like a billy goat, and you've been making serious charges.

Now let's just quit all this butting around

and have a showdown right now.

Well, that suits me fine, ma'am.

That's fair enough.

Oh, come on, Ma.

Just... let me just hit him once.

Shut up.

Let him down.

Thanks.

Welcome. Welcome.

All right, now,

you claim that one of these boys did something

and they claim that they-they didn't.

Somebody's lying.

I stand with my boys.

Now you're on trial here, not them.

Well, ma'am, it appears that these little boys of yours

are closer than a couple of buckwheats,

but one of 'em... Well, I heard all that before.

Uh, you got any evidence?

Yes'm, I sure do.

I didn't come all this way without some evidence.

You can bet on that.

This hat...

this hat was found at the scene of the crime.

Exhibit "A," Your Honor.

Well, all it is is a hat with a hole in it.

Uh-huh.

And with a name in it.

"J. Rikeman."

Jeb, you lose a hat?

No, ma'am.

Judd?

No, ma'am.

Ma'am, that hat is pretty damaging evidence.

Well, somebody could have stole it.

Well, when did all this take place?

Two days ago. Tuesday.

Jeb, where were you on Tuesday?

Well... seems to me

I was back in the barn all day, uh...

soaping up some saddles.

Judd?

Let me see, uh...

I-I think I was in town, uh, fighting Rog Jones.

Oh, that was Monday I fought Rog.

You'd better do some remembering.

Yeah.

I know where I was.

I-I was down near the creek chasing some stray sheep.

Well, you know that we don't own no sheep.

Yeah, but I figured it was about time we did,

and, well, pickings get pretty lean around here at times, Ma.

Ma.

Now, this is the third or fourth time that I told you.

Maybe we'll starve, but we'll starve honest.

I did it for you, Ma.

I suppose you shot that man for me, too.

No, Ma, honest I didn't.

Ask Jeb.

I had my hat on, too, didn't I, Jeb?

Well...

Now, son, I want the truth.

To be fair, Judd, I-I remember seeing you, all right.

Like-like when you come in the barn all tuckered out,

kind of breathing hard and...

Yeah, yeah, but that-that was... that was from chasing

that sheep, Jeb, now, it was. Well, but what I don't remember

is... I don't remember did you have your hat on.

Oh, now, Jeb, Jeb, please, you got to remember. Now,

I might've taken my hat off later or something,

but I had it when I came back. I had it on.

Now think hard, son-- and I don't want you to lie--

Did he have his hat on or not?

Well, um...

I hate to do this to you, Judd,

but I have to tell the truth.

Ma, I don't think he did.

Jeb.

Well, take him away.

I, uh, tried to raise him decent. I-I, uh...

I did my best.

But I guess when all you got is a...

piece of scrub ground and no husband and...

I'm sorry, ma'am. I am.

What'll happen to him? Well...

Ain't nothing gonna happen to him 'cause he ain't going!

You put that gun away. No, Ma.

Listen, I didn't try to steal that horse

and I-I didn't gun that man neither.

Now, Jeb, you stay here and you help Ma 'cause I'm leaving.

Now you do like I say.

If you're not guilty like you claim,

nothing is going to happen to you.

But if you run off,

I swear to you you'll never be welcome on our land again.

There.

Well, maybe it's not all his fault.

Maybe a... lot of the blame's with me.

I might've treated him like he was too young or...

like he was too old. I don't know.

All right, mister. He's yours.

Ma'am,

as it turns out...

he's not the one I want.

What happened to that arm, Jeb?

Well, uh, just a scratch. Um, I scratched it on a tree.

Looks like a bullet wound to me.

It's a burn.

My little brother said he might have winged him in the left arm.

Jeb?

Well, all right, I shot him, but I didn't mean to.

I was just trying to scare him off.

About that mare, Ma, I just figured we could use her.

Yeah, I know you did it for me.

But you let your own brother...

No, I wasn't gonna let him down!

I was gonna chase 'em along, behind-behind the trail,

you know? And then I was gonna bushwhack him.

Judd, you believe that?

No, Ma.

You tried to lay the blame on me, huh?

You tried to I...

Boys. Hey, boys... No, let 'em be.

No, it's okay.

Hey, you're gonna take one of my boys away,

and I don't even know your name.

Cartwright, ma'am. Hoss Cartwright.

Ponderosa Cartwrights?

Yes'm, that's-that's it.

Want a drink?

Yes'm, I'd like one. Thank you.

I hear your pa's a real fine man.

Well, we think so.

Yeah, you're lucky.

You're real lucky to have a pa like Ben Cartwright.

You got a ma?

No.

Every boy ought to have a ma.

But if he had his choice,

I reckon every boy would rather have a pa.

It is real hard raising a couple of wild buffaloes.

You know, a boy needs a man to teach him how to hunt and fish

and work and ride and be a man

instead of an animal. Yeah.

With a girl, it's different.

Ma'am, don't you think I ought to...?

No, no, no, no, they...

That happens all the time.

You know, my husband, bless him,

he had a real quick temper, just like them.

And he had a-a hard fist and a dry throat,

but he never drew a gun on a man in his life,

and I sure do hate to see one of my boys starting.

You know, maybe it's a good thing

that this thing happened now.

Make your mistakes when you're young enough to fix 'em.

What'll happen to him?

Well, ma'am,

I don't know what the... what the penalty is

for shooting a man in the...

well, where he...

Where his person meets the saddle?

Yeah.

There wasn't no horse stolen, and...

and the shooting was accidental, my little brother said that.

Maybe they won't do nothing more than just fine him.

Well, I just hope it's a little one.

We just spent our last four dollars on books.

I was... I was hoping that I could teach 'em how to read.

Yeah.

You know, Hoss,

that is the first time that Judd ever whipped Jeb.

Well, maybe that's 'cause he knew he was right, ma'am.

Son, here's something for you and Hess to eat on the road.

Well, we'd better get on the way.

It's gonna be dark before long.

You ain't mad at me, are you, Judd?

No, Jeb.

Bye, Ma.

Y'all take good care of her, now.

We'll be waiting for you, son.

I hated to make such a nuisance of myself, Mrs. Rikeman.

You've been mighty cooperative.

Thanks.

Welcome!

You know, if we'd been in a real gunfight,

you'd have been in a whole lot of trouble.

Oh, yeah?

How is that?

Well, why don't you just take out your gun and shoot it some?

Shoot at what?

Oh, anything.

Whoa.

You mean like that?

But-but I-I put the...

I reckon you must have fixed it.

Yeah. I did that, Jeb.

Let me tell you something, boy.

I don't wear this gun in a pair of diapers.

I check it and I clean it every night.

A gun can either be your best friend or your worst enemy.

And don't you forget it.

You got to learn to respect 'em, Jeb.

That's one thing among many you've got yet to learn.

Yeah, I know.

Boy, there's a whole mess of things I got to learn.

Yeah.

You know, nobody in our family ever been in jail before.

Like my pa, I...

I never shot anybody in my life.

See, I shot towards your brother, not at him.

I was scared, I guess.

Must have been a ricochet got him.

Boy, I'm sure glad he ain't hurt bad.

Funny thing is,

the one gets hurt the most is Ma.

She always tried so hard to do good with me and Judd.

You know, Jeb,

that was a dad-burned fool thing I just done,

shooting up your hat, the only evidence I got.

Can't have much of a case against you without it, can we?

Well, I reckon there ain't but one thing to do

and that's let you go.

You get on back to your ma, boy.

But... I want you to remember this.

If you ever do anything to hurt your ma again, boy,

I'll come after you personally

and you'll have to answer to me.

You remember that.

Now git.

Thanks!

Welcome.

Well, it's about time he showed up.

Well, good to see you back.

Howdy, Pa, Joe.

Well, uh... How'd it go?

Did you-you find him?

Well, in a way.

What do you mean "in a way"?

Well, I mean I found him, but he got away.

That's what I mean.

How come?

Well, he...

he was big, Pa, and mean. Whew.

Hoss, I-I just don't think you were cut out to be a lawman.

Yeah.

Yeah, I... I reckon I wasn't at that, Pa.

But I'll tell you, I learned something.

I learned to be grateful.

For what?

To you for being such a good pa

to Joe and me and Adam.

Teaching us how to hunt and fish and...

ride and work and...

just stuff like that.

Just... everything in general.

Just grateful. Anything wrong with that?

No.

No, there isn't.

Oh, I-I want you to know how grateful I am to you

for what a wonderful job you've done for me.

Thanks.

Welcome.

I'm glad he's back. Now, what was that all about?

Ow!

Your move.

Yeah, my move.

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