Original subtitles

- Hey, how was the beach?

- Are you talking to me?

- Huh? Yeah.

- Oh shit, I thought you were on the phone.

Wha-What-- What did you say?

- I was just asking if you had fun at the beach.

Oh, yeah. Um...

Yeah, it was fun. It was, uh...

The whole water polo team was there,

everyone got fucked up,

captains got fucked up.

I, uh...

The sun fucked me in the ass, though,

shoulders are burnt to shit but yeah, it was lit.

So...

There was this girl at the beach.

Right. - Yeah.

She had these massive fucking

colossal...

...hands.

- Get it? - Yeah, it's funny.

- Yeah. Because my hands are near my chest.

- Yeah, I know. I thought you were going to say boobs. - Right.

You think it's funny though? Right?

Like...

You could see that on stage,

like, people laughing in the audience and stuff?

- Yeah.

Yeah, no, I think it gets laughs.

- Yeah, sweet. Yeah.

I was just thinking of like, doing standup comedy.

You know?

I mean, we we're in LA, so...

- Definitely. - Yeah. I mean...

I ain't fucking water polo after college.

Right? - Yeah, that's also true.

- Yeah.

- Do you know if they're any parties tonight?

- Uh... They're um...

Yeah. Yeah, Shithouse is having a party.

- Like, the house is called Shithouse? - Mm-hmm.

- Are there any houses having a party?

Or is there what?

- Are any other houses having anything?

- No. No, man. No, it's just Shithouse.

Uh, it's far but my buddy Seb said it's going to be fire.

So...

- Fire. - Huh?

- Hmm? - What did you--? Did you say something?

- Oh my god.

Why are you so cold?

♪ We, we never leave the beach

Fuck!

♪ We'll grow numb to the mystique

- Sam?

♪ Running water, running

♪ Running water, running

♪♪

Hi, you're an RA, right?

- You get locked out? - Yeah, sorry about that.

- No worries. Where's your room?

- This way. - Okay.

- You just do some laundry?

- Yeah, you just take a shower? - Yeah. It's this one.

- Okay.

- ♪ Some - Thanks so much. I'm really sorry.

♪ Are allergic to the sun

♪ They'll grow numb in the long run.

♪ They'll get everything they want

♪ Running water, running

♪ Running water, running

♪ Running water, running

♪ Running water, running

Yeah, Mom.

- That was mean. - That was mean.

- Yeah!

♪ Running water, running

♪ Running water, running

♪ Running water, running

♪ Running water, running

- You love leaves.

- Oh, no no no. I didn't mean to make you--

Don't worry, she's fine.

You know, it's just a particularly rough week.

I still, I can't believe we didn't get to hug you

on your fucking birthday.

- I know.

- She's so sweet.

She just--

I think she's just missing her buddy.

Okay,

I think it's gotta be Scott from Stat for me.

- Oh, I can see that-- - I really can see that.

- Hello everyone in my room, who is ready to leave?

- Jack, drink.

Drink it. - Dude, I just went.

- Y'all are getting ready for the party here?

- What the fuck you say?

- I just asked if y'all are getting ready for the party.

Looks like y'all are getting ready.

- Yeah.

We just called an Uber, are you coming?

- I'm not sure yet. - I'm not sure yet.

- Have you been to Shithouse before?

- Yeah, like 90 times.

- Oh my gosh.

- Shit.

Yes, dude.

Yes! Oh, I love college so much!

Shit man.

- Yeah, it's great. - Yeah dude,

it's fucking hella pussy, bro.

Hella vagina, bro, in my fucking face, bro!

- Oh my god.

- Fuck...

Oh my god, dude.

- Are you okay?

- Yeah, bro. Shit, dude. Fuck.

Ah, I should not drink anymore fuck, oh fuck.

But that's that life, man. That's that fucking life.

- Are you going to throw up right now?

- Nah, hah, no no no, it's okay.

It's okay, I'm good. I'm good.

I'm good. Thanks, man. I'm good.

- I'm going to close the door for you, buddy.

- Having fun in Shithouse?

- What? No, it's really shitty here.

- I don't know what you're talking about, dude.

Did you steal that bottle of wine from the party?

- Oh, no, I brought this from home.

I...

I like having something heavy in my hands

to hold at a party.

- Yeah, I get that.

- I feel like, that it's just like, too dinky

when you hold it.

You know what I mean?

- Yeah, it's too dinky.

- Hey, I like your shirt. - Hm?

I like your shirt.

- Which one? I'm wearing two

- Oh, I have to see the one underneath.

- So I should just take this one off?

I don't know,

if you feel comfortable, why not, yeah.

- I feel comfortable. - Okay.

- Scott from Stat wants to fuck you, too.

Sophia just talked to him, okay?

So, Operation Fuck Scott is in full swing, all right?

We gonna get that dick.

It's operation complete.

- Hi.

- You want to play a game?

- Alex, what's yours?

- Huh?

- What's up?

- I said, "Do you want to play a game?"

- Oh, game!

Yeah, what's the game?

- Um, it's called, "Spin the Bottle."

Have you heard of it?

- Yeah.

- Okay, I'll go first.

- Oh, right here? Okay.

Doin' it with your hands.

Where's it gonna go?

Okay. Look at that.

Ouch.

- You're a trouble, aren't you?

- I'm trouble?

Wait, sorry. What's your name?

- Georgia. - Okay, Georgia.

I'm gonna really quickly, um...

Georgia, I'm from-- I'm from Texas.

- I'm not from Georgia.

- Yeah. No, I wasn't--

- I'm not from Texas.

- Tha-that's okay.

- Let's kiss in the bed. - Okay yeah.

I'm just really quickly, I was going to go check

on my backpack outside.

- You brought a backpack to the party?

- Uh, yeah.

Or I-I-- No, maybe I didn't,

but I just want to go check to make sure

that I didn't bring it.

- Oh and he misses. Boo!

And he makes.

And he makes.

Eye on the basket.

- Hey, sweetie.

- Sorry. Did I wake you up?

- No, no, no, I'm up.

Jess is at a party.

You okay?

- Yeah. I'm, yeah.

I'm just having a little trouble falling asleep,

because I think I have like, a cold.

- Shit, I'm so sorry.

- Yeah, thanks. It's okay.

- Are you taking something? You should be taking stuff.

- Well, I was going to go to the CVS by campus,

the 24-hour one,

and I was going to get some Claritin, but--

- No no no, sweetie, not Claritin.

I always say don't take Claritin,

because it doesn't do anything for you.

You need to take Allegra.

- Oh, right. Yes.

- You need Allegra for the decongestant,

but actually you should take Benadryl at night.

Do that for like three days and that should clear up.

- Okay. Perfect.

Okay. Awesome.

Oh, I'm going to go walk over to the CVS.

- Honey, why don't you see if Josh could give you a ride,

you probably shouldn't be walking around.

You should rest. - Yeah.

Maybe I'll check with him.

- Okay.

Are you okay?

- Yeah. I'm just not feeling well

and it's super frustrating.

But I'm going to go ask Josh

if he can take me to the CVS.

So I got to go.

- Okay. Bye, sweet boy.

- Okay, goodnight. I love you.

- I love you.

- I love you too. Okay, bye.

- No. Oh no. No, no. Wait, wait, wait.

Oh, oh. Oh!

Oh...

Can you leave and don't tell anybody about this?

Okay.

- I think Alex Drossos and I

might've been going through a rough patch.

Little third grade Gray Deuber

walks up to little third grade--

- We in?

Yep, there we are.

Knock knock, Who's there?

It's me, I'm fucking drunk.

- Are you okay? - No.

- Sam, you okay?

- No, I'm fine. I'm fine,

I'm not going to throw up. I'm not going to fucking...

- You're going to throw-- - No, I'm not going to throw up,

shut the fuck up.

Shut, the fuck, up.

You suck, you suck, you suck.

Get it? Got it? Get it?

Jerry Seinfeld thinks you suck.

I think you suck.

What's the deal shitty roommates?

There's never a good one, there's never,

there's never a good one.

Bitch, bitch, bitch.

Oh, but I don't want a roommate. But I don't want a--

Oh, I fucking hate you.

- Do you want me to get you some water?

No. Yeah. I got water.

- That's a-- That's a huge bottle of vodka.

- No, it's fucking water.

- You're about to drink vodka right now.

- Just.

- Get hugs from Mom and Jess.

Why is college so hard?

I feel like I'm just like, floating and nobody like--

What?

Sam?

Fuck.

Sam, Sam, you shit yourself.

- Hmm?

- Sam, I think you might still be shitting.

Are you pooping right now?

- No. No, I didn't.

- Yeah.

Yeah, you 100 percent did. Let's get you up, okay?

- I don't shit. - We're going to go to the shower, okay?

And get your pants off.

- No, these are my good pants.

- These are your what? - These are my good pants.

- I know they are your good pants but you pooped in them.

So we need to at least get up and go in the shower

- I didn't-- No, I didn't do nothing. - And clean you off.

Sam, we need to get up. - I didn't do nothing.

- You dropped a deuce in our room, man?

- I didn't shit.

Okay. Ow, don't hit--

Am I not allowed to sleep here?

- Oh wait. No, you can.

Did you get kicked out of your room?

- Uh, yeah. Yeah.

Did you?

- Oh, no. RAs get singles.

I just didn't have anything else to eat,

so I had an energy bar earlier so I just like, can't sleep.

Um... What was on your shirt?

- Oh, um, I actually have it on still.

It just says, "The Time is Now" on it.

Nothing special.

- Cool.

How was your operation?

Operation Fuck Scott from Scat-- from Stat.

- Oh, God. Um, it was like a failed operation.

Nothing happened.

- Oh. - Nothing special.

- Were you really like, about to go to sleep

am I like, keeping you up?

- Oh, no. No. I wasn't sleeping.

I'm not tired.

- Okay. - I'm not tired at all.

- Do you want to like, go hang out?

- Yeah. Yeah, I'd love to.

Yeah. What do you-- What do you want to do?

Like, what are we--?

- I was thinking we could go to the Grand Canyon.

- The Grand Canyon?

Do you have a car? - What?

I'm talking about going in my room

and like, hanging out there instead of here.

- Oh.

- Like to kiss and have sex?

Um...

- Is that what you're asking?

- Uh, I guess so.

- Do you even know my name?

- What's your name?

- I'm not going to just tell you.

- Why? I'll tell you my name.

- I know your name. It's Maggie Hill.

You've been my RA for like, six months now.

- Why are you making me feel bad?

- Because you should feel bad.

- Okay. Well, I do feel bad.

What's your name?

- Get out of here.

- Get out of here? That's a weird name.

- It's Alex.

Okay, Alex.

I'm sorry that I didn't know or ask.

- Why? Don't be sorry.

- I'm not.

I do want you to come to my room, though.

You can put your stuff down if you want.

- Yeah.

Just put it down right here?

I just like, ruined your room by doing that.

Is it always this clean or is this just a Friday thing?

It's always this clean.

- I don't think I've made my bed in like, ever, probably.

- I recommend it.

- Can I have some of this wine that's here?

- Oh, yeah, no. You can just have all of it.

I have like, a ton of it.

- Well there's a ton in here, probably won't have all of it, but.

Just have as much as you want.

Cheers.

It's good.

Are you 21?

- No, I have a fake ID. I'm 19, but I just can get it.

- I'm 19, too.

Just had my birthday like, a couple of weeks ago.

- Cool.

Happy belated birthday. - Thank you.

Thanks.

Here you go Do you want some?

- Thanks.

- How do you get a fake ID?

- It's a really complicated process

that I feel like we should talk about another time.

- Okay.

- Do you want to take your hoodie off?

- Yeah. Yes, I do.

- Come here.

Take your pants off.

- Take my pants off? - Take your pants off.

- Okay.

- A lot of things happening at once here.

Take your shirt off, too. - Okay.

- Is this okay?

- What do you like?

- Let's just play the quiet game, okay?

- Okay.

Can I get back on top? - Sure.

- I think all the blood is my brain.

- Okay, that's fine.

That's okay, lay down.

Do you want-- Do you want your clothes?

- Yeah. - Okay.

Here's your shirt.

I'm really sorry.

- No, don't be. It's okay.

- I can take the wrapper, too?

Thanks for being so nice.

- Yeah.

- Uh, my room is like, 100 feet away from your room.

So, I'm going to skedaddle.

- You don't have to. I'm going to be awake

if you want to hang out.

Like, I was going to stay up and drink wine. If you--

I'm just saying you don't have to leave right now.

Like, I'm going to be awake.

- Are you sure?

- Yeah. I would feel weird if I drink alone,

but I feel like it could help me sleep,

so I was thinking that could be good but also... Go.

I feel like you were trying to go. - No, no, I wasn't.

I mean, I was trying-- I mean, that's cause I didn't--

I would love to stay.

- Okay. You don't have to. - No, I'd really like to.

- Okay.

- I can Venmo you by the way, I will Venmo you.

- Oh no, it's fine. This is $5 at Target.

- So, you have a car?

- No, I walk there.

- I don't have a car, either.

Kinda sucks, right? - Mm.

I like walking, but yeah, in general,

you want to make a friend with a car.

- Yeah.

None of my friends have cars.

So, you're a sophomore, right?

- Yeah.

- Did you...

Did you did you have a tough first year?

- What do you mean, like adjusting?

- Yeah. Like, in general.

- Um... I don't know. Not really, why?

- Um... I am.

- Oh. Yeah. I mean,

I think everybody like, struggles at first.

- Yeah, I'm like, struggling now.

Like...

What's going on?

- Can I tell you a secret? - Sure.

- I have zero friends.

- You just said you have friends.

You said your friends don't have cars.

- They don't have cars 'cause they're not real.

You definitely don't have zero friends.

- I definitely have zero friends.

Like, you could say my roommate,

Sam is a friend,

but we hate each other and aren't friends. So...

- So, who do you hang out with?

- Um...

Timothy from the marketplace, I hang out with.

Like, 30 seconds a day.

And to be honest,

I hang out with my stuffed animal from home a lot.

I talk to him. So...

That's not true. I don't talk to him.

I more of just like, spend a lot of time in my room

and my stuffed animal is in the room.

I'm exaggerating.

Like, I don't-- That's not--

Like, I have friends,

but like, are those two my closest friends

at college 100 percent.

But it's okay because like, Timothy is fucking awesome.

- I really like Timothy a lot.

- He's like, the warmest guy of all time.

- He makes me feel so good every day.

- He like, makes my skin feel good when he talks. - I know what you mean.

- Yeah. - Yeah.

- Also devastatingly good-looking. - That's part of it.

- Yeah. For sure.

- I'll take this back.

My turtle died today.

- Is that what's supposed to be in that tank on your desk?

- Mm-hmm.

- I'm really sorry. That sucks.

- Thanks.

- I thought turtles were supposed to like, live forever.

- I did also and they don't, they just die.

- What happened?

- Um, I'm not-- I don't really know. Like--

He hadn't been eating

so I think he was sick or something

and then he got stuck when I wasn't here maybe

or like, went swimming, was weak and drowned. Or like--

I don't-- I don't know what happened.

- So you've had like, a really sad day.

- Yeah, I mean, whatever. He was just like, a turtle but like--

Yeah, he was like, my buddy.

- What was his name?

- Pete.

- That's a really good name for a turtle.

- Thank you.

It means rock, the name Pete.

- Rock? - Mm-hmm.

- And that was pretty fitting?

Yeah.

- Like, he was a rock in life? - Mm-hmm. Yeah.

- He held down the fort. - Mm-hmm.

- I wish I could have met him. - You know what? Same.

I feel like you guys would've really hit it off.

- Really? - Yeah.

Like, he-- he was really sensitive also.

What did you do with the body?

Sorry if that's inconsiderate to ask, but...

- I threw him away.

- You what?

- I threw him in the dumpster in the back of Paulie.

- I can't tell if you're being serious right now.

- What do you mean?

- You threw him away?

- Yeah. What else would I have done?

- You threw Pete away in the dumpster?

The--

Pete who you-- your rock in life, Pete?

- Yeah, I put him in a shoe box.

- Oh my God,

that doesn't make it any better. What?

Okay.

- Don't you-- Didn't you want to bury him?

Okay, you need to calm down.

- You can't just throw him away in a dumpster,

you can't just get rid of him. - What?

- You're never going to know where his little body ends up.

- I don't want to know where his little body ends up.

- Why? - 'Cause he's dead, what?

- Oh my God, you're a monster.

- I'm not a monster.

- Okay, you're not a monster.

But I feel like we should-- we should--

Did you put him in the dumpster today? - Mm-hmm.

Because it's like ice water? - Yeah, and it's like, in your fucking face.

- Yeah.

- I've thought about just not showering

for the rest of my time here.

- Oh my God, no. You're going to get used to it.

- You've actually gotten used to it?

- No, I feel like I've gotten used to the fact

that I'm not going to get used to it.

You know what I mean? - Mm-hmm.

- I don't know. I've been exercising though,

and I feel like that really helps with the shower.

Have you ever tried that?

- Uh, no.

- Like, I don't know. I just go,

I do the elliptical thing and it's like really easy.

I just go to the gym in Berkus.

- There's a gym in Berkus?

- Yeah, freshmen. Oh my God.

Yeah. Okay. Are you entirely sure?

- I'm entirely sure. Hold my wine.

Alright.

Oh gosh. Having a little trouble.

- Okay. Come here. - Whoa!

Ow, why did you push me?

- I don't know, you're having trouble.

- You just wanted to touch my butt.

Ow.

Found it. - Do you see anything?

- Yeah, I got my eyes on water bottles.

That's not trash, that's recycle.

Mickey D's...

Wait, is Pete really small?

- Yeah, do you see him? - Hi Pete, you are so stiff.

I'm feeling like, spooked right now.

- Just don't be, can I just see him.

- Is this the shoe box? - Yeah.

- Okay.

Okay, what'd you decide? Where are we off to?

- I think I want to bury him on the top of Mt Fiji,

if that's okay.

- Yes, what? Like in Japan?

- No, that's Mount Fuji. What? No,

I'm talking about Mount Fiji

like, the mountain on top of campus.

- Oh, yes.

Oh, it's called Mount Fiji. - Yeah.

- Cool, that's much easier.

- LA?

- Yeah, like this campus, like College.

- Yeah. Why? Does it now feel like yours?

- No, but it's nice hearing it will.

- Where are you from?

- Dallas.

- Okay, so you're from Texas. I feel like that's like,

you're like 1500 miles away from your house,

of course it doesn't feel like you're home.

- Okay, yeah but where are you from?

- Bay area.

- That's like 500 miles away?

- Yeah, it's like 400.

- Yeah, so you went far away from home, too?

And we both like, got dropped off

in a place we don't know anybody,

and at the end of each day,

we can't go home to like,

our parent's unconditional love.

It's like we're newborn babies here.

But we don't have anybody to hold us.

What?

- Dude, I don't feel like a newborn baby.

I don't know.

- I got carried away. - Yeah.

- I think I'm kind of drunk right now from the wine.

- I think you're very drunk from the wine.

- Okay, sue me.

- Are you in any clubs?

- No. Are you?

- No, I have friends. Wait. Okay wait.

Okay, so you know how like, people think squirrels are dumb

because they like, run out into the street and stuff?

- Yeah.

- I read an article one time and it said like,

squirrels are actually really smart

because the way you measure intelligence

is by how well an animal can like,

adapt to their surroundings, you know what I mean?

- Was that pointed?

What, you think I'm dumb

because I'm having a tough time at college?

- No, I think you think other people

just turn their brain off when they get here.

- Yeah, that's literally exactly what I think.

Like, that's a perfect way of putting it.

- I'm trying to tell you that's not turning

your brain off like, that is being intelligent.

- Okay well, I disagree with you

because you said it's how well they adapt

and make use of the place they're in,

and what I'm telling you is that people aren't

taking advantage of the place that they're in.

- What do you mean?

- Four thousand people go here.

Four thousand people go to the same school

in the same place.

- Four thousand people that don't owe you anything, dude.

You're not constantly being stiffed by people.

- Okay, awesome, great. Got it.

Like, I don't owe you anything. I don't owe you my time.

- I don't think you do.

- But I still want to hang out with you,

like, I'm down to hang out with you tonight.

- Yeah, I'm like, really fun to be around.

- I'm fun to be around too,

I'm really fun to be around.

- I don't know dude, you say you don't have many friends.

- Yeah, because everybody fucking sucks here.

- Oh, sorry, I forgot. I forgot that.

- What I'm saying is like, college is

and like, it should be

the most selfish time in your life.

Like, the agenda here is not to learn

how to be a great friend.

- Okay, what is the agenda?

Figure out who you are?

- Actually it is.

- Whatever, look, watch this comeback.

- Yeah, I want other people to help me in that.

Like, I want other people to be a part of my identity.

- I think it's about like, figuring out who you are

separate from other people and like, taking care of yourself.

Yeah, I just don't like college.

I agree with you, but can you agree with me

that maybe we can add to that agenda,

like, learning how to better look after each other.

- Hey, you guys want to play with the Great Bambino?

- Any interest? - Should I tell him we're busy?

- Why? What do you mean?

- We have to bury Pete.

- Yeah, we can do it after softball. - My team needs help.

- Tones of interest. - Alright c'mon.

- Hey. - I'm Caroline, nice to meet you.

- I think you should bat.

- Oh, yeah. - Yeah? Okay?

- Okay, Wolves on three.

One, two, three, Wolves.

Hey, y'all ready yet?

- Yeah, we're ready, punks!

- Yeah, we got a new pitcher, so it's about to be a comeback.

- You're pitching?

- Fuck! - Oh my God.

Oh my God. - Shit, oh my God.

- Oh my God. Oh no! - Ow!

- Maggie! Maggie, are you okay?

- Oh my God. You suck at pitching.

- Yeah. Where did it hit?

- My calf. You are so bad at pitching.

- I know, I'm so sorry. Wait guys, do we have ice?

- Uh... Yeah, I'll go get some.

- No. No, it's okay. No, I don't need ice.

I'm all right. I'm all right. - Are you sure?

- Yeah no, he sucks at pitching.

It wasn't that hard.

Fuck!

Ow. It is not as not a softball. It's a hardball.

Dude, I'm so sorry. - It's okay, it's fine,

I'm okay.

- I've like, I really truly have never been so sorry.

- Oh my God, stop apologizing.

You keep apologizing, then you're going to be sorry.

Because I'm going to knock your block off.

- Make it! Make it! - Protruding, is that the word?

- Why don't we just get you ice,

like, let's go to Bert's off campus. - No.

- We can like, get a Lift there.

- That's such a waste of money. It's fine. It's really fine.

- Okay. We can just walk there. It's like, super close.

- Okay, all right.

If it gets out to like, here, like, if it swells like--

- If it gets out to here? - Yeah,

like, if it swells out that far, then we'll go.

- Okay, how about here? - Okay.

- Okay. - Okay.

Am I the first person you've had sex with at college?

- We didn't really have sex.

Okay, am I first person you've kissed naked at college?

- Yeah, yes.

And you're the second person

that I've kissed naked in my life.

I had a girlfriend in high school,

and we dated for like three years.

- Just bring it!

- What happened?

Did you break up because of college?

- Yeah.

Mm-hmm.

- I had a boy friend in high school also.

But it was just like, senior year.

- Did you break up for college? Like, because the distance?

- Uh, no, we broke up because I kept cheating on him.

- Yeah, I feel like that'll do it for most high school relationships.

- Excuse me.

I'm going to have to ask you guys

to leave the softball field.

- Yeah, when exactly are you

going to have to ask us to do that, sir?

- Yeah, what time? Exactly when will that be, sir?

- Okay, I know it didn't get swollen outta here,

but I really feel we like-- - No.

- I feel like we should... go to Bert's. - I don't want to go.

I don't want to go. I don't want to go.

Oh fuck!

- What? - Ow.

- Does it hurt? - Yeah, it hurts really bad.

- Did it get tight?

- Okay. Alright, let's go. - We should go?

- I generally thought I was, but I was just like,

a fucking asshole to everybody all the time.

Did you do theater?

- Yes. Wait did you do theater?

- Yeah.

- What? - Yeah.

Did you ever have those stage managers that were really

weirdly grumpy and jaded and actively mean?

- I actually had like, really great stage managers.

- Okay, cool.

Well, I was a stage manager

and I was just really jealous of the actors

because I always wanted to audition for the play,

but I never did.

It really wasn't my vibe. So I never did.

- You never auditioned? - No.

- Not even once? - Not even once.

- So you just moved to LA

to pursue your dream of becoming a star.

No. Oh my god. No.

- Wait. Sorry.

I think I'm getting a phone call right now.

Sorry.

Yeah, this is my sister

and I feel like I should answer cause she was at a party.

- No, go ahead. - Alright, sorry.

Hello.

- Oh fuck!

- Jesse Margret off the phone, he is sick. - I'm sorry. I'm sorry.

- You're sick?

- Um, I'm actually better, Mom.

Uh, why'd you call, is everything okay?

- Yeah, boy.

Yes, a-boy...

- Are you drunk right now?

- Yes. - No.

Alright dork, well is that why you called,

to show me that you're drunk?

- No. Y'all are haters. - Yes.

- I'm not a hater. I think it's great you drink.

I just can't talk right now.

- I'm a hater, she's 15,

she doesn't need to be drinking already.

- Okay guys, it's so late there,

y'all go to sleep. I gotta go.

- Dallas doesn't sleep, boy... - Oh my god, help me.

Al, are you outside

because you should be inside getting rest?

- You should be inside getting rest.

- Mom. I'm not-- I'm not sick, I'm with a friend, guys.

I have to-- That was like, allergies earlier I think.

I'm fine. But I have to go.

- Goodbye. Goodbye. - Gosh who are you with? Are you with a girl?

- Oh my god. Help me. Help me. Good bye.

- No, I don't wanna--

- I am so sorry that you had to see that.

- No. I loved it.

- They're a lot.

- Yeah, it seems like you guys are really close.

- Yes.

Yeah.

Well, we go way back, so...

- I feel like I learned a ton about you from that.

- Like what?

- I don't know. Like, you have a really cute sister

and like, your mom is like, such a mom.

- She's such a mom. - Yeah.

- She really leans into the mom stuff.

She gives lots of hugs.

- What about your dad, does he give a lot of hugs?

- He uh, he used to,

but um, my dad passed away.

He died.

- I'm sorry. - It's fine.

- Has that like, really affected you?

- My dad dying?

- I'm so sorry. I just mean, like,

how has it really affected you, I guess?

- Um, I don't know.

This is going to sound weird,

but I really don't think it's affected me that much.

Like...

Like, I obviously miss having him around,

but I don't know, everything was

and everything has been okay.

I don't know.

Like, three months before he died,

he wrote me and my sister this letter

and at the end of the letter,

it said that our names will forever

be carved into his heart

and that just like really... I don't know.

- Wow, he wrote that?

- Yeah. I know, right.

Oh fuck, dude.

- Oh shit.

- It's closed. - Oh, my god.

Wait. No, I thought it was supposed to be open 24 hours.

- Yeah, so did I.

What are we going to do for ice?

- Do you think this thing is cold?

- 4.7 stars. - Okay.

- Okay, Jeff. - Okay, Jeff.

- What are your parents like?

- They're fine, just like parents.

- That's super boring.

- I know, like, they, they suck.

I just felt like, you just said your dad is dead,

so I didn't really want to complain about my parents.

Why do they-- Why do they suck?

My dad's like, a loser

and my mom's really cold and distant

because she chose such a fucking asshole

to be the father of her children, I think.

- Are they divorced?

- Oh yeah. Oh yeah, they're divorced.

They got divorced when I was like, in first grade

and my mom's like, dating a guy named Bruce now.

- Do you like Bruce? - I don't know Bruce.

He seems fine. I don't know, he's kind of weird.

I just met him one time, though.

- Do you have a relationship with your dad?

- I haven't spoken to him since I was 15.

- What? - Yeah.

- Oh my god, what? - Yeah.

My sister and I told him we hated him

and we never want to talk to him again

and he just like, listened to that.

He like, actually got remarried two years ago

and didn't invite us to the wedding

and like, this is a really big wedding,

like, and all my aunts and uncles and like,

grandparents and stuff were there.

- That's like, super immature.

- Yeah.

That's what I mean, he's just like, a fucking loser.

- Does it make you more sad or more angry?

- What?

- Like, your dad being,

like, does it make you--

like, does your shitty dad

make you more sad or more angry?

- Um...

I don't know. I guess like, neither honestly.

Like, it's just been bad with him for so long,

that I don't feel a lot about it.

I don't feel like, angry or sad or anything.

Sometimes I feel like, sad on his behalf.

Like, it's so sad that he doesn't...

I don't know, maybe this sounds conceded,

but my sister and I grew up to be like, such cool people

and like, he doesn't get to know that.

You know, so it's like,

like um, sad for him. It's like, shitty.

- Wow, I almost killed that guy. - Yeah.

- That would have been his fault totally though. - Yeah.

- Right? He didn't have the white pedestrian light.

- Wait, the white pedestrian light?

- You mean the green pedestrian light?

- The-- I'm talking about the person.

- Yeah, the person's green, right?

- He's uh... I think he's white.

- Jeff, I'm pretty sure it's green, like the red hand,

so that would mean the person's green.

- Y'all are both colorblind. It's absolutely white.

- Well, I'm actually colorblind, but she thinks it's green, too.

- I'm actually colorblind also.

- You're what? - Colorblind.

- You're both colorblind? - Yeah.

- I thought girls can't be colorblind. - Women can be colorblind,

it's just 0.3 % of them are, so.

- We're both colorblind?

- Yeah. Wait, that's crazy.

- That Is crazy.

Have you guys heard of those like, glasses that cure it?

With the videos. - Yeah.

- Uh-huh. - Yeah.

- Are they expensive? - Yeah.

I don't know. I feel like I would never want to wear them

because then I have to take them off

and reckon with that. - Yeah.

I do want-- I want to try it at least once

and have that experience.

That's crazy that you're colorblind.

- Yeah. - Are you allergic to peanuts?

- No. Wait why?

- I'm just checking. I am.

- I'm allergic to gluten.

- Really? That's a bad one.

- Yeah, tell me about it.

- You're colorblind and allergic to peanuts?

- Yes.

I wouldn't survive a day in the before Christ days.

- No, you would've been fine,

you just would have had to find a good partner.

- Don't look at me. I'm colorblind.

I would have been the only colorblind woman

alive in Mesopotamia, so.

Maybe I should have him cremated.

- So you can keep him in your room?

I'm down to cremate him, if you want.

I'll go on another adventure.

No, I'm just procrastinating.

Okay. Let's do this.

Can you help me?

- Yeah. Are you okay?

- It's just so weird. This is so weird.

- Yeah I know, this is so weird.

Yeah, burying a dead body is the weirdest thing ever.

It's so fucking weird.

- But we can slow down. We don't have to do it right now.

We can I take our time. I feel like we are rushing.

Here, let me do this.

- What are you doing?

- I'm going to take Pete out of the hole

and keep him out, so he's visible.

It was nice seeing him before.

I realized we haven't looked at him all night.

- Yeah, he's been in the shoe box.

- Yeah and he's a beautiful turtle.

- Thank you.

Did you have something to do with that?

- Yeah. I gave birth to him.

- Do you believe in God?

On airplanes, I do.

- Same.

It's like anytime,

I can't even pretend to have any control.

- Yeah. Yes.

- I feel like, when I think about dying,

I'm just like, "See you soon, big guy."

It's like, so dumb.

- Yeah, death sucks.

I'm not okay with it. Death is ass.

- I just-- I can't believe that like,

everything is just going to like, vanish.

You know?

- Yeah.

Stuff's going to vanish for me too though.

Like, you're not alone in that.

- Maggie? - Yes.

- Are you okay? - Mm-hmm.

Yeah, okay. I'm fine.

I'm fine. I'm okay. I'm alright.

Okay.

Let's do it, I'm ready-- I'm ready to do the burial.

- Okay. Yes, I totally agree - Let's do it.

- But can I say, can I throw out an idea? - Yeah. Go ahead.

- Okay. Well, like, earlier I was going to suggest

that you say some words

and I was thinking at first that it would be

after we buried him.

But now I'm thinking that doesn't make any sense

and you should just say words now,

like, while he is out. - Okay.

Let's do it.

Um, can you start and I'll just close?

I'm just going to close.

- Yeah.

Pete. Um...

I really wish I could have known you

when you were able to move around and hang out.

I can tell Maggie really likes you a ton.

So I'm really bummed that we couldn't be friends.

But I'm really really glad

that you were such a great friend to Maggie

for so long.

Because she's really really awesome

and I feel like you had a lot to do with that.

So good job.

You did a really good job.

Being alive and being a friend.

I'm done with my eulogy.

- Pete, I have not dealt with as much tragedy

and loss as Alex has,

so my eulogy is gonna fucking blow comparatively.

Um...

Um, yeah. I mean, yeah. Alex was right,

you were a really good friend

and you were a really great listener

and I really felt like,

I could cut through all the bullshit with you,

which was really nice.

Um...

I don't know, it's gonna like, suck.

When I... I don't know, it's going to suck

when I, um...

I feel like we're going to start feeling hung over.

Should we have like, a beer or something?

Like, level ourselves out?

- Um... Yeah. Sure.

I mean, I'm not like, dying for brewski.

But I'll have one, if you have one.

- What about Dos Ekisses?

- No, yeah, all beer tastes the same to me

minus the IPA stuff or whatever.

- Dos Ekisses.

- Oh. That's clever.

- What's up?

Not a lot of chuckles coming from the audience.

You guys are tired?

Y'all hungover? Hmm?

- No. You're just not funny.

Oh.

You're just not attractive, so how's that?

Yeah, no. I heard a couple of you say it, huh.

It's yeah, I'm hung over, too.

I'm hung over, too.

I was actually going to wake up

and write some jokes for y'all today,

but instead, I had to clean shit off my floor.

Shit my pants.

Yep.

Too much Schlitz. That'll getcha.

C'mon, what is this?

"Open Mic & Muffins."

Wow. That's an idea.

- Hey.

Can you hand me my shirt?

- Yeah.

Yep.

Here you go.

I'll turn around.

Hey, do you know that you talk in your sleep?

- What?

- Are you dressed? Can I turn around?

- Yeah.

- Um, you uh, you talk in your sleep.

Last night, in the middle of the night

I woke up to a noise and it was you,

you were like, had a blanket right here

and you were holding it really tight

and you're like, "No, it's okay."

And I was like, "Maggie? Are you okay?"

You're like, "Yeah. I'm totally fine."

It was probably the sweetest thing I've ever seen.

- Yeah, I don't know.

I was really drunk last night, I guess.

- When fell asleep?

- Yeah.

- I mean, yeah, I guess we did have a ton of wine

and I am feeling pretty hung over right now.

- Yeah. Um...

Sorry. I just like, have to start my day and stuff.

Do you mind if I just get pass to you?

You're like-- - Yeah, I'm blocking.

- Yeah.

You're still here.

- Yeah.

I put my clothes on though...

Sorry.

Can I just sip that water? Oh, you're doing it.

Can I have it after? - Sure.

- Thanks.

When you were gone, I remembered

an insane dream I had last night.

You and I were floating in space

and um, then we saw George Clooney,

and then he asked us how Sandra Bullock was doing.

- That's insane.

- I'm gonna make my bed.

- Have you seen that movie?

- No, I haven't.

- It's called Gravity

with Sandra Bullock and George Clooney.

I think it won a bunch of Oscars

in like, 2014 or something.

Hey, do you want to go get a breakfast burrito

or something?

At Tropicana?

I haven't been, but Sam talks about it a lot.

Just be a like, little walk? - Um... Yeah. Sorry.

I just feel like that sounds like a ton to me right now.

- Okay. I feel like you're really grumpy right now

and you want me to leave, is that correct?

I'm not really grumpy. I have a lot to do today,

so I'm freaking out about that. So I want to start doing that--

- Yeah, I get that. I understand that.

That makes sense, I just feel like--

I just feel like I'm missing something right now.

- I don't know what you mean.

- I just you're-- Um...

I just want to like, knock on her door.

I don't know.

- Well then knock on her door.

- Oh my god, Mom, I can't.

That's what I'm trying to tell you.

I can't do that. She doesn't want that.

- Okay. Well, I don't know what you want me to say here.

Okay. I've shared my thoughts.

You know, she's your best friend.

You knock on her door, you say,

"Emily, I'm sorry I fucked up." - Okay, bye, Mom. Okay, bye, Mom.

Bye, Mom. Bye, Mom.

- Wait, is Josh involved in this?

Can we be ready?

- Yes. I'm so starving.

Hey, do you have a stopping point soon?

- No, not yet. Just go without me. I'll meet you.

- Maggie, when is this due? - Oh my god. Soon.

- But what does soon mean?

- Uh, next week.

- Oh, bitch, no. No. - Of course, no.

- I'm just-- Sorry. I'm just like, on a roll.

- Guys, this is really important. - Oh my god.

- Excuse me, everyone. My friend here is on a roll.

Eyes forward and keep it down.

She's on a roll. Sir? Sir, I hate to bother you.

I'm so sorry, sir.

Do you see my friend over here?

See her? I'm so sorry to bother you.

She's on a roll and this is very distracting.

- My knees? - Yeah, it's distracting her.

- It's really loud, because she's on a roll.

- You're the worst people in the whole world.

- Sup, dickcheese.

- Hey.

Where did you sleep last night?

- I actually slept in this girl's room.

- Ooh, pussy boy. Mm great.

- Are you about to smoke a cigarette?

- Can you not be a bitch?

The Juul is charging. I need something.

- Okay. What if-- What if you and I

get high together instead?

- You wanna smoke weed with me?

- Yeah, let's smoke weed.

- Fire.

Shit.

- Sorry, this is going to sound weird,

but do you think-- could you light it for me?

- Yeah. You never smoke weed before?

- No I have. But like, in high school I did some

but my girlfriend would always light it for me

because I always burned my thumb.

- Oh, yeah.

Yeah, that's the gayest thing I've heard.

Go for it. - Like she made me feel like such a weirdo

for asking to go get breakfast burritos.

- Damn.

I've been there.

- When?

- Huh?

- You said, "been there." When have you been there?

- No, no, no, no, no.

It's just like, "Ah dang, man, been there."

- I don't-- Wait, what?

- I-- I mean, I haven't actually been there,

but I was just like for you, I was like,

"Fuck dude, been there."

- But you haven't actually been there?

- I'm here for you.

- Shit man, there's another party tonight.

- Where? Diarrhea Vomit House?

- No. Basketball house

or where the basketball team lives.

- I don't think I'm up for another party tonight.

Are you? After last night? When you shit your pants?

I mean, like, I just need to hydrate,

take a nap.

I'll probably just like, jerk off, smoke more, I'll be ready.

- How do you always know about all the parties?

- The senior water polo guys

have a document called, "The Party Schedule"

and they put it in our group text.

Yeah.

Um, but yeah, this one's saying that you gotta--

you gotta wear a wig to the party.

- This one, this one it says that you have to wear a wig.

We have to wear wigs?

If I send someone a message on Insta,

can I see if they've seen it?

- Uh yeah, it will say, "Seen."

What? - Shit.

- Let me see that?

Oh, my god.

Dude, you sent her so many messages?

- Yeah. - Wh--?

- It's not like we're in middle school,

we don't have to like, play games.

I don't have to like, be elusive.

- What were the first 8 flags not red enough?

You just wanted to send a brighter one?

That's her right there.

That's her right there. That's her--

She's gonna get a wig. She's gonna get a wig.

- What? So? - We go this way.

- Oh, they're right here.

- Hey. What's going on?

- Oh, we don't need any help. Thank you. - Hey.

- Oh, no, we don't work here.

- Yeah. We go to school with y'all.

- Oh, hey. Do you guys sell water bottles?

- We don't work here.

- Yeah. I mean, I sell Juul pots but that's all.

- Yeah. We don't work here.

We go to school with y'all. - Mm-hmm.

- Maggie. - Hey.

- Oh, you guys know each other?

- No. We all go to school together.

They just said that.

Okay. See you. - Alright.

- Yeah.

Yikes. - That was horrible.

- Yeah. - That was so bad.

My heart is like, dropped out of my butthole just now.

- Wait, your heart what?

- Why is she like, playing games?

She's like, playing games with me.

- I mean, it doesn't seem like she's playing games.

It just seems more like she doesn't want to talk to you.

Are you sure-- Are you sure that was the girl?

- Yeah, that was the girl.

- Well, it's just weird. It just seems like she

didn't know that you existed.

I mean, you know,

shit gets dark sometimes.

Do you have good vision?

I'm ready for a night.

I'm fucking ready.

- I'm kinda nervous. I feel like I'm gonna see Maggie

and I'm going to act like, super dumb.

- No, no, dude.

You got to stop that shit, man.

Like, honestly, look at me.

Just get her out of your head.

Don't even think about it.

You don't talk to her. That's the move.

You talk to other girls

and then she sees that you're not the little bitch

that you always claim that you are.

- I never claim that I was. - Yeah, you do.

You do, man. Come on.

Don't talk to her tonight, okay?

Amp up, what are you going to do?

What are you going to do tonight?

- Not talk to Maggie. - Not talk to Maggie.

Not talk to Maggie.

- Not talk to Maggie. - Not talk to Maggie.

- Not talk to Maggie. - Not talk to Maggie.

- Not talk to Maggie. - Not talk to Maggie.

- Bro, can I come in yet?

- No man, you gotta stay out there, man. Fuck you.

- You know what, fuck you too, bro. Okay?

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

- What's up?

- My guys. - Hey.

- Hey, man. - What's goin' on here? Where y'all going?

- We're going into the party at Basketball House. - Yeah.

It's not an open party.

- Yeah. - We have wigs on.

- Yeah. - Yeah, I can see that,

but neither of you have tits.

So you're going to have to know someone on the team.

- Oh... Yeah. No other house has that rule, man.

- I understand that. I get what you're saying,

but see, Basketball House is a little different,

and if you don't know anybody-- - Oh, we know Jay.

- You know Jay?

- Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

- You know Jay? - Yeah, yeah.

- He's on the basketball team.

- Big guy. Tall. - Tall Jay.

- Fuck it, man. Go ahead. Go ahead. Fuck it.

I'm not even trippin', bro.

It's a good night, you know what I mean?

Everybody's having fun.

Not me. Clearly.

- Oh, wow. - Don't get too wild though.

Party animals. - Yeah.

- You two. I got to look out for you guys.

- Yeah, yeah, yeah. - Yeah, yeah, alright.

- I can't believe we got in. - Yeah, man.

Fuck that bouncer. Here, take this.

- Oh, no. I'm good. I've had way too much.

- Okay. One to grow on.

- Oh my god. Oh my god.

- So good news, I haven't seen Maggie.

- What!? - I haven't seen Maggie--

Ow, dude. I said I have not.

I have not--

- But you brought her up, man.

You've got to get her out of your head.

- Where is your water polo team?

- Fuck the water polo team.

No. Look at me.

Tonight, you and I,

we're making new friends, okay?

And by, "new friends", I mean-- I mean fucking, "girls",

and by "make",

I mean, we're just going to have sex with them, man.

Let's get outside the comfort zone.

- Maggie is outside of my comfort zone though.

- No. She's inside the comfort zone.

You're talking with her, snuggling, ohh--

You were talking with her all last night, weren't you?

No, we don't need that.

Look around you. Look at this.

Look at the plethora of pussy.

Okay?

Who do you got? Who are you picking?

- Actually, I know that girl from the other night.

- I'm talking to that girl.

Alright? Ready?

Break!

- Julia.

- Alex from the softball game, right?

- Yeah. - Hi.

I'm being antisocial here,

but my friends, Carolina and Garrett from softball,

actually, they're not here yet,

so I just don't know what to do with myself.

- I don't know what to do with myself. I don't know.

- That's ideal. - Yes. Yeah.

- Oh, how's Maggie's leg?

- Oh, it's good.

I think it's okay.

I don't know. That was wild though.

- Yeah, you hit her super hard,

but it was kinda like, she barely felt it.

- I know. She's super tough.

- I mean, y'all are so cute together.

- Oh, no, we're not-- We're not--

We're not together.

We're not-- We're just friends.

We're not friends.

- Well, who are you with tonight?

- Uh, I'm hoping you, Caroline, and Garrett.

- Yeah.

- Really? - Yeah.

No.

♪♪

- Hey, get a room, you two!

- Hey, what the fuck, man?

- Oh my gosh. I'm so sorry.

I thought--

I thought you two were my friends,

and I was going to try to be funny.

- Yo, I don't-- I don't think your two friends

would've found that funny at all.

- Yeah. That wasn't funny.

- Yeah. That wasn't funny at all.

I'm sorry. That's my bad.

- Yo, it's cool.

Yo, who do you know on the basketball team here? - Wassup?

- I said who do you know on the team here?

- Oh, I know, uh, um...

I know Jay.

Yeah. - Yeah.

I'm Jay.

- Yeah. You're literally talking to Jay right now, dumbass.

- What?

Oh...

I haven't seen you in so long.

- Matt, get Charlie.

- Jay, it's me, Alex.

- Oh, you're the guy who's leaving.

That was a good one.

I'm gonna give you that one.

Fucking let go. Let go, dude.

Fucking freshman bouncer bitch.

- Alright, man. Walk safe, man. Get back to your dorm.

Alright, walk safe, man.

Go back to your dorm.

That was you.

How much playing time are you getting

on the basketball team?

I feel like it's not a ton 'cause Coach probably

thinks you're too...

you're too small.

- Okay man, have a good night.

Have a good night, bro. - You know who you remind me of?

You remind me of one of those kids in high school

whose parents would always tell the Coach

to play them more.

- Good one.

- That was you, huh?

- You're killing 'em tonight. - This is my impression of you.

I'm gonna do an impression of you.

Hey, Coach, can I come into the game?

I'll make sure the bench is warm for Jay.

Oh what-- What's that, Jay?

You want me to make sure no one comes inside your party?

- That was good.

- Yeah.

- Do you wanna Again in Ten it?

- Do I wanna "Again in Ten it"?

- Yeah, like have sex again in ten minutes.

- No.

Hey.

- Oh, shit, what up?

- What the fuck?

- Dang, bro, is this your room, bro?

- No, is this not your room?

- Yeah, this is my room. Yeah, this is my room.

Yeah. Get out.

- Okay, for sure bro. For sure.

Oh, fuck. Are you guys like dating?

- No. - No, we're no.

We're just like, friends

and I want to talk to my friend in my room.

So if you could just get out. Get the fuck out.

- Yeah, for sure, bro. For sure, man.

Jeez, man.

- Get out. - All right dude, jeez.

- What the fuck are you doing?

- What the fuck are doing?

You've just fucked this dude in here?

- That's none of your business.

I'm going to leave and if you follow me,

I'm going to kick your ass. I'm serious.

- What? - Don't follow me.

- Maggie, what is going on right now?

- Nothing is going on.

- I thought you and I were like, having a thing outside.

I was like-- I was like, crushing college in there.

- Oh my god. Okay.

Yes, you seem like you were having fun.

What do you want to say, dude?

Like, congrats on crushing college?

- No, I was just like, doing that for you.

- What?

- Like, I was putting on a show for you.

I was like trying to get your attention.

- Don't do that. I don't want you to do that.

That doesn't make any sense.

You like, got me a drink

and you told me to keep ramping up.

You were like, flirting with me.

We were making eye contact.

We were like, having a peak moment

and you just fucking disappeared to like, fuck a dude?

- Okay, you we're having a peak moment.

I was just at a fucking party and I brought you a drink

and then I went back to what I was doing.

- Why do you want to just go back to what you were doing?

- What do you mean?

- Why are you acting like last night didn't fucking happen?

Why were you so mean to me today at the store?

Why did you like, introduce me to your fucking friends?

- Why did you send me like, 9,000 fucking Instagram messages.

Why are you acting like a creepy fucking psycho?

- Because I like you.

I like you a lot.

I had a really good night with you.

And I want to like, continue to like, talk to you.

Like, did you not have a good night last night?

- I did. I had a great night last night.

Now, I'm trying to have another great night.

- What? - What?

- Oh my god, dude. You're so mean.

You're so mean. You're awful.

- I'm awful? - Yes.

- What? Oh, my god.

Did you think we were going to date

because of one night?

- I... No.

- I don't want to wake up

and get breakfast burritos with you, dude.

Like, I don't want that.

- Yeah. You've made that abundantly clear.

But like, but I care about you after last night.

I care about you after last night

and you can't just pretend like I don't exist.

- Actually, I can do anything that I want.

I don't owe you anything.

I don't owe you a text,

about like, "Oh, hey, I had a great night last night."

- Maggie stop! Stop! - What? What?

Just like, talk to me, please. Just like, talk to me.

- I'm talking to you. - But it feels like you're not.

Just come outside of yourself for two fucking seconds.

Care about somebody other than yourself for two seconds.

- You need to grow up. - Why is that so fucking hard for you?

- You need to grow the fuck up! - No, you need to grow up!

You need to grow. - I am. I've been.

Your like the girl from "13 going on 30."

- What-- Jennifer Garner?

- No, I'm talking about the movie "13 going on 30."

There's like, the girl with like, the little house.

- Yeah. That's Jennifer Garner.

You're talking about Jennifer Garner right now?

She was awesome in that movie. What are you talking about?

- Okay. I'm just trying to say like, the premise of that movie

is that there's this 13-year-old girl--

I got friends.

- Hi, excuse me, this is my room, man.

Can you leave? - Oh my gosh.

Oh, my gosh.

I am so sorry.

I'm out town.

- What?

I see what you're doing.

- What's going on?

- You're fucking crazy.

This is my room.

I'm high but I'm not that high.

What are you talking about? I wanna laugh.

- I was saying

you are like the girl Jenny whoever was playing.

- It's Jennifer Garner. - Okay.

- Jennifer Garner is her name. - Okay.

The girl that made a wish that she could be older

and then she woke up in the body of a 30-year-old.

But she didn't know how to be an adult

because she was actually 13.

- I know the plot, Maggie, I'm aware of the plot.

- I'm trying to say, like, you are not actually 13.

You don't get to just turn back into a teenager

when you need a hug from your mom

to get through the day. Okay?

You have to just be an adult.

- There's nothing wrong with getting hugs

to get you through the day.

- I feel like you're going to cry. Are you're going to cry right now?

We're like in the backyard of a fucking college wig party?

- There's nothing wrong with that if I was going to.

- There is something wrong with that.

It means that you need to grow up.

- No, you know what it means?

It means my parents were good parents

who gave me love and attention.

Unlike your miserable, horrible parents

who fucked you up so bad

you have to have sex with random guys

to make you feel good and wanted and in control.

- Awesome. Okay.

Have fun with your stuffed animals tonight

'cause your parents did a kick-ass job, dude.

You know what, I like my life,

and I liked it before last night.

Just 'cause you feel like fucking shit about yours,

doesn't mean that you get to make me feel bad

about who I am, okay?

- Okay. I'm sorry. I'm really sorry.

- Ow. - ♪ When I'm cherry picking

♪ I always know you're going to leave

♪♪

♪ 'Cause lovers turn to strangers

♪ Everyone always has to go

♪ Jane she was a dancer

♪ She danced in the afterglow

♪ And when it all is over

♪ When you are there and I am here

♪ I'll pretend that you care

♪ That I have somehow disappeared

♪ It'll make me feel better

♪ Knowing you watch me like the moon

♪ Truth is that I am working

♪ For myself and only me

♪ Yes I am picking cherries

♪ I have a hard time staying clean

♪ Yes I am picking cherries

♪ I have a hard time staying clean

♪ Yes I am picking cherries

♪ I have a hard time staying clean

♪♪

- Hey, did you, uh, did you go outside

of your comfort zone last night?

- Uh...

Oof, um, I don't-- I don't know if I remember.

Wait.

Wait, I'm trying to get back my brain. Um...

Did we-- Did we walk home last night?

- No. We, uh... No, we didn't.

But I came back in and you were asleep

and then I went over and I put you on your side.

And you were like--

Remember you were like, "I ain't no cuddling bitch-ass."

I was like, "No one said you were."

- Yeah. I don't remember that. I don't...

I don't remember anything.

- Jesus Christ, that's so scary.

I honestly kinda feel a little bit responsible.

- Why?

- I just didn't say anything

after you like, probably took like, 12 shots.

- 12? 12 shots?

- Yeah. Remember you kept taking,

you'd take one shot and then you'd take another

and be like, "And one to grow on."

- Oh! Oh, yeah. Like an extra birthday candle.

- Yeah. Except it ended up being like six to grow on.

- Goddamn. I've got to stop drinking so much.

What day is it?

- What day? It's Sunday.

- Sunday, okay. Oh, God.

Well, TGI Sunday

because this motherfucker is an alcoholic.

Okay.

- Yeah, I'm down for a chill Sunday.

- Yeah.

Yeah. Uh-huh.

- Do you want to maybe clean up the room a little bit, too?

Yeah. This place is a fucking mess.

- Yeah.

- Let's get to it.

- Want me to help you up?

You gonna to throw up?

You gonna throw up?

I got you. I got you. I got you.

Here we go. Here we go.

I don't think I'm going to be able to help you clean up, man.

- Absolutely. - No.

- You stay in bed. - Yeah.

- I'm going to get you some water.

- That-- That would be great.

- I'll get you some and I'll put some in a red Solo cup.

- Alright, that'd be fire. Yeah.

Thank you.

Yeah.

♪ Make me laugh, make me cry

♪ Make me laugh, make me cry

♪ I've been running around

♪ Looking for solid ground

♪ Looking for solid ground

♪♪

- You're a little upset.

- Stop.

Clearly.

Fuck.

- Maybe give it to a new turtle.

Look at you.

- You're drowning.

- Okay. I'm hungry. - Fuck you.

- I'm hungry.

Oh, my God.

- Alex, dude. - Garrett.

- We lost you last night.

- Yeah, I know,

but the craziest thing happened. It was, yeah.

- Are you eating here?

- Um, no.

Well, I mean, I wasn't planning on eating here.

I was planning to get it to go,

but I have time to eat here

if you want to eat together, I have time.

If that's what you're asking.

I'm not sure if that's what you're insinuating.

- Alex, my dude. - Yeah.

- Sorry. I'll have the mushroom.

- I'm already making it.

You were sitting there talking for an hour.

- So, for here or to go?

- Um... Could I-- For here. For here.

Thank you.

- Definitely pretty. - No.

- Definitely pretty. - Absolutely not.

- Hey.

- Hey. It's the guy who ditched us.

- Yeah. What happened? Where were you?

- Okay. What the hell is going on?

I don't understand why--

- I'm not friends with anybody named Josh or Emily. - Wait, what?

- Emily and Josh have never existed.

I've never been friends with anybody named Josh or Emily.

Every time I've brought them up,

I've just been talking a lie. - I'm going to fucking combust here.

I'm getting you on a plane.

- No, mom. Mom.

- Yeah. We're going to use uncle Tibs' miles.

- No, mom. Listen.

I didn't say that to make you-- - Why weren't you honest before?

- 'Cause you were going to tell me to come home

and I probably would have just come home.

- There's nothing wrong with that.

- Yes, there would have been something wrong with that.

- Why? Why can't you? Why? Why? - Mom, I can't just come home.

- Yes you can. You actually can. It's fine.

- But I don't want to do that.

I want to stay here. I don't want to come home.

At least I want to try to stay here.

I haven't been trying.

Like, that group of friends that I met on Friday,

they invited me to sit at the marketplace with them

and I realized as I sat down with them,

that I probably sat down at the marketplace

like, a total of 20 times since I've been here.

This whole time, I've been at the marketplace,

I have sat down at the marketplace 20 times,

because I usually just do this thing

where I take a to go container

and just go up to my dorm room and eat by myself.

And like, what I've realized is that I haven't like,

fully been here.

Like, I have, but I've also been--

- Kind of still been here, too? - Yeah.

And that's why I wanted--

That's why I was gonna call you guys

because I just wanted to say that

that I love you guys so much.

I love you so much and I miss you guys so much.

I miss you guys so much.

And I think--

I think I've been feeling paralyzed here because of that

and also because nobody here is like, half as cool

and like, half as loving as you guys are.

But even though I'm feeling really sad right this second,

like, an hour ago I was feeling really really good

and like, I was feeling really optimistic

because I really think if I start trying to throw

myself in to college and start trying to fully dive in,

I think I can start having a better time

and maybe I can meet people who are half as cool

and half as loving as you guys are.

And...

And well, maybe that does mean that

I was going to say that

maybe that does mean that I shouldn't call as much anymore.

- Yeah, honey.

I think that's really smart, honey.

I mean, you shouldn't-- You shouldn't--

it's not healthy, you know, to check in so often.

- Yeah.

Yeah.

- Yeah.

And we'll be here,

we'll always be here, honey.

We'll always be here whenever you call, we'll pick up,

but you should save all your energy for all your friends

and the parties,

and the studying,

and all the adventures you're going to have there.

I'm really sorry, honey.

- It's okay. It's okay.

It's okay.

I'm really sorry, too.

♪ One, two, three

♪ I count black sheep on my way to sleep

♪ I can't pick and choose these devils

♪ In my patterned dreams

♪ When I wake up I am smiling

- You can help me.

♪ I will not change my mind

- Did you keep any of these rocks?

- No.

- Can I? They are really pretty.

- Sure.

♪ It's okay we don't cry, we love the Southern sky

♪ It's okay we don't cry, we love the Southern sky

♪ It's okay we don't cry, we love the Southern sky

♪ It's okay we don't cry, we love the Southern sky

♪ You and me

♪ These are titles I can hardly speak

♪ Are we bound here to an echo tinted blue

♪ And green

♪ Let my memory run backwards

♪ So together we may lie

♪ I will remember the fire in the southern sky

- We have to make sure you go to the shower to wash that.

- Yeah. Can someone do my makeup for it?

- Okay. Give me one second.

- Yeah. Can you give me like, a tiger stripe?

- If we give you a tiger stripe it's going to fade.

- Yeah.

- What? Stop.

You said the same thing last year.

You liked her more that I did last year.

- Yeah, I know. - We did. She's amazing.

- We're agreeing with you. - Mm-hm. Agreed.

- She's really good.

She's like, have you ever--

Do you know Meryl Streep?

- Just what it was like to have been very young.

Particularly the days when

you were in love for the first time,

when you felt like a person sleepwalking

and you didn't quite see the street that you were in

and you didn't quite hear everything that was said to you.

You're just a little bit crazy.

So will you remember that, please?

- Can you guys' take my sister? Is that okay?

- Yes. - No, dude. Just skip the test.

It is going to be fine. - No. I know.

It's just my last one, so I want to do well.

- You have like, a full face of make up on and this outfit.

What are you wearing?

- I can take my makeup off and change.

- Are you about to go to the library? - Yeah.

- To study for your finals? - Yeah.

- So am I. - Do you wanna work together?

- Yeah.

- Cool. - Interesting.

- Let's go.

- What's going on? What are you--

Why are you talking?

- Well, you're only going to library

because she's going to the library.

- That's not true. - I think it is true.

- I was going to the library to study

because I have a final tomorrow.

- Which final?

- History.

- Of?

- What?

- History of?

- The 18th century... - Uh-huh.

- ...paint.

- Paint?

What did you just say?

- How are you so talented?

What did you really think of the show?

- I really loved it so much

and I really think you're the best actor of all time.

- Okay. - I'm not kidding.

- Thank you.

Are you going to be in LA this summer?

- I've got a ton of studying.

- Fuck you.

- I haven't decided yet.

- The school year ends in a week.

- Yeah, I know.

I can sleep on Garrett's couch when I go to Chicago.

- Well, you gotta decide.

- Get outta here.

- Alex, if I said I wanted to date you

and be your girlfriend, would you stay here?

- Yeah.

- Really?

- Yeah, Maggie.

- I want to be your girlfriend.

- You really want that?

- I really want that.

- You're trying to date me?

- I'm not trying to marry you.

- Okay. Well, I understand you not wanting to marry me yet.

So I'm okay with just being partners for now.

But...

I'm not down with you being a shitty partner.

I don't--

Like, I'm not saying we have to spend all our time together

and I'm not saying that we have to

be there for each other all the time,

but I do want it to feel like we're on the same team.

Like, I do want it to feel like we have each other's backs.

- Like, looking out for each other?

- Yeah. - Yeah.

- You're trying to date me?

What?

That was crazy.

- Alright, are you ready? - Okay. I'm ready.

- We want a batter, not a broker ladder.

- Throw the ball, chump.

- Alright, here it comes.

- Oh!

Oh, my gosh!

It's going! It's going! It's gone!

- It's a home run!