Original subtitles

These two are charged with destruction of property

at a public pool.

Your Honor, these newlyweds were so overcome with joy,

they wanted to take the plunge, literally.

And there's such a sweet air of mystery still about them.

She had no idea he couldn't swim.

Not only did they damage the pool filter

by jumping in with their cake,

but they also completely disrupted

a synchronized swim practice.

$200 fine.

And if you're that good on land, you don't need practice.

Gurgs, gonna get these people?

I found them guilty, and I'm getting uncomfortable.

I'm here. What'd I miss?

Oh, did y'all show up wet, or did this just happen?

I'm so sorry.

I'm just trying to fit in some chief bailiff work.

Some promotion you got.

You're still a full time bailiff,

but with 10 times the paperwork.

You should get an assistant.

They handle all the paperwork,

and they agree with you even when they're not listening.

Right, Wyatt? - Nailed it again, Judge.

I do have an assistant, but I don't want to bother her.

Flobert's supposed to be helping me,

but so far, all he's done was eat my lunch.

You asked me to take things off your plate.

And you know those doctors diagnosed me

as clinically literal.

Dan, is that your will?

You know, you don't have to write people out of it by name.

Yeah. No, these are my memoirs.

I've always wanted to collect my best dinner party stories

and charge money for them.

"August 1984.

Mistaken for Richard Gere yet again."

By a defendant who was blind.

And stupid.

My God, Roz, what a surprise!

Just looking for somebody who could say great things about me.

Well, keep looking, Fielding.

Runaway groom! Somebody get him!

Is that guy okay, or should we call an ambulance?

Nailed it again, Judge.

Dude, you got to listen sometimes.

You know, Roz, seeing you level that groom took me back

to a simpler time.

Do you remember when the only candy store in Times Square

was that guy named Electric Larry,

with his pants full of pills?

So what brings you back here, Roz?

Did you miss me, or...

Actually, I can't think of any other options.

I missed you, too.

I'm here to yell at people.

Oh, hey. I got a list.

Starting with Sandy from the death certificate office,

stealing my look.

Hey. Yeah, Sandy! I'm looking at you.

City claims I'm three days short of qualifying

for my pension.

Apparently, hiding in a bunker is not an approved absence.

Stupid Y2K.

Don't get me started on Y2K.

That night, I drank tang like there was no tomorrow,

grabbed my cousin and had my first kiss on the lips.

You know, in some ways, I wish the world had ended.

What am I going to do about this?

Have you considered blackmail?

All we need is some doctored pictures of those pension nerds

high fiving Bernie Madoff.

You did use those Photoshop classes I got

you for Christmas.

We don't need to blackmail anyone.

I got a better idea.

Come on out.

And if you feel the urge to twirl, twirl, girl.

I don't twirl.

Keep it together, Gurgs.

You're her boss now.

Oh, she can hear this.

This is the perfect solution.

You help us out for a few days, and you get your pension.

Another great thing about you being back

is we can send you off in style.

What better way to cap off your career than throwing you a...

Briefcase full of cash.

Close. A cafeteria full of fun.

How about we throw you a retirement party?

Whatever.

Okay. Indifference. Not rejection.

Are we becoming friends?

Can I call you Aunt Roz?

Because my actual aunt stopped talking to me

after I kissed her son and ruined her New Year's party.

The more you talk about it,

the more I think that wasn't a one time thing.

Ms. Russell.

Very nice to see you in your dress blues again.

Oh, now, here is something

I never thought I'd be saying again in my lifetime.

Judge Stone, Roz, see you in court.

If I'd have known this would make him happy,

I never would have done it.

And it was a one time thing.

With that cousin.

This one's ready.

Gurgs.

That's the guy who broke into the SoulCycle

to suck all the towels.

He was sentenced to community service. I'm the community.

Why aren't you using your assistant?

If you don't give her something to do,

you can't tell her she did it wrong.

I just feel uncomfortable asking her for things.

- What? - Come on,

let's get you some water. This one barely shut.

- I'm Dan Fielding. - I'm Madison.

liI already know too much.

Gurgs says you work for me now.

And she says I need coffee, black, two sugars,

and no chit chat with the barista.

That's a gateway to tipping.

All rise.

Manhattan Criminal Court part two is now in session.

The Honorable Abby T. Stone presiding.

You know, the T is for Tormé.

No, I didn't know that, but I assumed.

Hey, no eating in the courtroom.

Oh, this isn't food. This is my purse.

Sorry, I have to take this.

Hello?

Would you mind? This is personal.

It is now being, Beanpole.

The People versus Ben Fisk,

who has been charged with the disturbing the peace

at a movie theater.

The defendant created a scene in the theater

which completely ruined Wes Anderson's

latest attempt to entertain white people.

Your Honor, my client suffers from a self-diagnosed

condition called car dealership tubeman syndrome.

Observe.

Can you imagine trying to appreciate Jason Schwartzman's

nuanced performance with this in front of you?

So sad. So real.

So not buying it.

Though I do have a sudden urge to test drive a Kia Sorento.

All right, $500 fine.

And we're going to have to somehow re-restrain you.

I got it.

Hey. Ah! Ow! My elbows don't go that way.

You're elbows go where I tell them to go.

- Ah! - Don't be a baby.

So Roz is pretty scary, huh?

She's the most intense person

I've ever met without a face tattoo.

Bailiffing tactics were a little more

hands on in the '80s.

I guess someone should talk to her.

Well, I am her boss, so I can do it.

Y'all got a janitor? The arm guy popped.

You're gonna have to talk to her.

Maybe I'll use the lost art of the handwritten note.

Fine. I'll talk to her.

Roz, we need to talk.

Is there about that guy's hairdresser?

In his defense, bison have pulled off that look for years.

I think that's the only human

who could win the Westminster dog show.

Hey, Stone, that's not bad.

Not bad? That's almost good.

What do you call that nerd's look?

Professor Cleared of All Charges?

You look like a professor from "Good Will Hunting."

Not the movie.

I mean, that it looks like you went hunting

for that sweater at Goodwill.

I usually don't feel bad here until after I eat.

You know, you've somehow managed to

remove fun from cruelty.

I'm sorry. Roz invited me to hang out with the cool seniors.

Legitimate seniors.

At least Roz knows your name.

She keeps calling me Fobert,

and I'm too scared to correct her.

What if she changes my birthday?

I love being a June baby.

Ah, ah, ah, ah.

What the hell are you doing?

Did you not see the line?

Well, lines are made to be cut.

Lunch lines. Conga lines. Brake lines.

Snip, snip.

You know, you got a real problem with authority.

And I got a real problem with that.

Sorry. Was that your purse?

All right, you do something about Sergeant Tube Socks,

or I will.

Oh, if she pulled this in prison,

she couldn't buy her safety with a whole carton of cigarettes.

I don't know anything about a prison economy,

but that sounds bad.

All right, I'll rein Roz in,

but I need to throw someone under the bus,

get ready to eat tire.

I've been thrown under a bus once.

It wasn't that bad.

"Chapter five, 1987, August.

The city was hot, but I was hotter.

A strikingly handsome young lawyer in

head to toe seersucker."

- Hi, Mr. Fielding. - Huh?

So I got the focus group research back.

For your book title, "A Dan for All Seasons"

narrowly beat out "Fielding of Dreams."

But to be clear, people hated both of them.

So, um...

any progress on my choice to write the foreword?

It can be any Barack Obama.

It doesn't have to be the main one.

You know, I read some of your manuscript.

It's riveting. - Oh.

If I had one small note...

Yeah, one small note would be too many.

Sorry. Just got excited.

My daddy runs Peterman Publishing,

and he never lets me read anything.

Not even a sneak peek of the Ray Charles biography.

I had to find out he was blind with everyone else.

Peterman Publishing?

They released the Jacques Cousteau memoir

where he admitted how much he loved eating fish.

You know, I wouldn't mind if you showed my memoir to your father.

You can mention that the foreword is going to be written

by "a Barack Obama."

Well, I'd have to read it first.

And I have all this work to do.

Not to mention I'm planning my best friend's

bachelorette party.

That's her calling now.

No, no, you know what? My book is calling.

No, you go read. I'll take care of this.

Go. It's fine. Yes. Hi. Madison's phone.

Hi. I'm sorry. She's presently occupied.

Just consider me your maid of honor.

Now, what city have you always wanted to throw up in?

- Okay, we got this. - Totally.

You're not gonna do that thing

where you say you're gonna stand up to Roz

and then immediately bail, right?

Absolutely not.

This time, I'm going to cave before she even gets here.

You're the best. Don't ever change.

- You wanted to see me? - Yeah. Yeah.

I just wanted to do a little check in,

see if there was any, uh, issues we needed to hammer out.

Why? Does somebody have a problem with me?

Do you have a problem with me?

"Problem" is such a problematic word.

Listen, I know I said this would just be a few days, but still,

I think there's an opportunity here to learn and grow.

Oh, you think I have an opportunity to grow here?

Yeah, absolutely.

Just need to really commit yourself to it.

Wow. Alright.

See what you're putting out there.

And I accept.

I would love to work here permanently.

Is that what you think I was putting out there?

That's not a good sign.

It's technically a banner.

No, the fact that it says "un-retirement."

Hey, friends.

I was hoping you would hear this from me and not the banner,

but I made an executive decision due to a slight misunderstanding

to hire Roz forever.

You're killing me, Abby.

Look what I had to do to stay off of Roz's radar.

I asked an underpaid teen to style me.

He called this look...

"Whatever you want. I don't care, man."

I warned you to do something about Roz, or I would.

So I'm going to tell you the same thing

that I told the prison chaplain.

I don't believe in hell.

I am doing something.

This party is the first step in bringing us all together.

And what's the second step?

Step two?

Uh, being the type of leader, uh, who listens.

So who has a great idea?

- Fire Roz. - Kidnap her wife and make her

fall in love with me.

Okay, you both failed step two.

Look, Roz is family, and you don't kick out family.

No matter how many comments they make about your weight.

Don't worry. Roz is about to get Julianne-ed.

Wait, are you just using your name as a verb,

or are you going to cut her up like carrots?

Oh, I would never do that to carrots. I like carrots.

All right, all right. So you promise this

bachelorette dinner will have nude servers?

Very important to us. Okay.

Tell the bride to be that all the waiters will be naked.

Although the manager did warn me that you'll regret

that with two of them.

Thanks, bestie. And did you--

Pick up your Adderall? You bet.

Now, if you need more, I'll just go to the schoolyard

and find the rich kids whose parents don't really check in.

I cannot wait to keep reading.

I think daddy's gonna love the three chapters

where you debunk the joys of travel.

Yeah, come on. What is Europe except

a bunch of crap coveted moss?

Oh. And islands? We get it. Your sand is different.

I can't read in here. You are too inspiring.

- Madison's phone. - Yes, can you ask

Madison if it's a dairy cheat day?

I'm getting us boba.

- Flobert. - I'll be with you in a second.

I'm on the phone.

Yeah. With me!

Oh, Dan!

Since when are you Gurgs' assistant's assistant?

Since I found out that her dad can get me something I want.

You are a genius.

You're always playing three dimensional chess.

That's just chess.

Chess and mate.

Hold on one second. If you think it's a good idea,

then I'm definitely being scammed.

Have y'all seen Madison?

I need her to help me find a gift for Roz and booze

to give me the courage to give it to her.

We have bigger issues.

Her father is not head of Peterman Publishing.

Yeah, I know that, Dan.

Her dad, is the president of the National Bailiff's Association.

He's getting me a ticket to the bailiff convention at Alcatraz.

That's why I haven't been asking her to do anything for me.

We are both getting scammed.

I'll bet she doesn't even drink the boba.

Come on, Wyatt.

You can't be that scared of someone in a rainbow caftan.

Hey, Roz, you know, I realized that you and Wyatt

have never had an actual conversation.

And this guy, fascinating.

Really? 'Cause he's dressed like a Wheat Thin.

Oh, yeah? Well, you sound like a Wheat Thin,

because I think Wheat Thins are too salty.

I think he looks like a dapper Triscuit.

Leave the jokes to me, Fobert.

You know, Roz, this party isn't just about welcoming you

back inside the courthouse.

It's also a chance to welcome everyone inside you.

I'm not against a key party,

but not with this group of seven.

If I was throwing you a sex party,

there'd be so much more Gatorade.

Hey, what's Erin Brockovich doing to my cake?

Julianne, it's a little early for cake,

and cutting it like that, it will start something with Roz.

Oh, my God, you're starting something with Roz.

I couldn't resist.

I want to eat your face.

Well, if anybody's going to eat my face,

it's going to be me.

Eat her eyes first.

Yeah, what do you think of my outfit now, cake?

Fine. You can have it.

Thank you for taking the high road.

Oh!

But if you eat me, I'm gonna pump you full of paper.

Oh. Roz, you can't point a confetti cannon at someone.

- Says who? - Most balloon stores!

And me!

And what are you going to do, fire me?

I might!

It's real strong maybe.

This is the woman that you're all so afraid of?

I mean, she doesn't even have the balls

to blast me in the face.

Roz, you're fired!

But can we just take a moment

to appreciate how beautiful this is?

This is so much paperwork.

Just because one co-worker threatened to eat

another co-worker's face.

Just came in to turn in my badge and my taser

and this bag of batteries.

I don't even have that vibrator anymore.

I'll take those.

Roz, I'm sorry I had to let you go at your own party,

but you gave me no choice.

Of course I didn't.

I've been trying to get fired for days.

You wanted me to fire you?

Yeah, because now I get a pension and a big,

fat severance check.

So you played us, manipulated us,

and used us as pawns in your grift.

Respect.

Oh, nunchucks. Thanks.

Well, I should go, too.

I have so much stuff to return to Kohl's.

It would have saved you so much time

if you just said you wanted to be fired.

But you wouldn't have done it.

Why? Because I'm not cool?

I did offer to throw you a well-hydrated sex party.

No.

Because you're Harry's kid,

and he wouldn't have done it either.

Not even for family.

Are we the kind of family that hugs?

Calm down. I'm not your cousin.

Hi, Dan.

Um, I think there might have been a little mistake made.

You were supposed to book our bachelorette flights to

Tulum, Mexico, but instead, we have tickets

to somewhere called Gastown, New Mexico.

Oh, no, you're gonna love it.

They have their own "Thunder from Down Under."

Mostly because of the mine explosions.

Okay, but the tickets are non-refundable and only one way.

Like our relationship has only been one way.

You had no intention of helping us.

But I did.

I got you these tickets to the bailiff convention

and you a book contract.

You know, just give it up, Madison.

Your dad can't be the CEO of a fancy publishing company

and the president of the Bailiff Association.

Unless you're going to tell us now that you have two...

Oh, no. - You can't trick us anymore,

Madison. - Gurgs.

- Huh? - She has two dads.

I have two dads.

Maddie Moo, you ready for dinner?

Who I am not going to introduce you to.

It was nice almost meeting you.

Yeah, people can be gay.

Yeah, that's one story it's not going to be in my memoirs.

Good. I can put it in mine.

I'll read the hell out of that one.

It's funny.