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1
00:00:04,637 --> 00:00:07,574
**
2
00:00:08,842 --> 00:00:11,511
-This is nice.
Just the boys.
3
00:00:11,544 --> 00:00:13,380
-And you ruined it.
4
00:00:13,413 --> 00:00:15,682
-All right, people, we knew this
day was coming, and it's here.
5
00:00:15,715 --> 00:00:17,851
Straighten your ties
and cover your thighs.
6
00:00:17,884 --> 00:00:19,619
-Oh, no, I have a note
from my doctor
7
00:00:19,652 --> 00:00:23,590
that says my thighs can
be uncovered in the workplace.
8
00:00:23,623 --> 00:00:25,225
-Unh-unh. Not tonight.
9
00:00:25,258 --> 00:00:27,460
Gurgs just told me
that Dr. Nitelife is coming.
10
00:00:27,494 --> 00:00:29,295
And since I take
on other people's energies,
11
00:00:29,329 --> 00:00:31,364
I'm freaking out.
-Who's Dr. Nitelife?
12
00:00:31,398 --> 00:00:32,866
-Dr. Nitelife...
-Not a real name.
13
00:00:32,899 --> 00:00:34,401
-...is an obnoxious
TikTok influencer...
14
00:00:34,434 --> 00:00:35,602
-Not a real job.
15
00:00:35,635 --> 00:00:37,437
-...who goes around
making fun of places.
16
00:00:37,470 --> 00:00:40,306
-Not a -- [ Laughs ] Not a bad
way to spend a day.
17
00:00:40,340 --> 00:00:42,275
-Last time he was here,
he put us on the list
18
00:00:42,308 --> 00:00:43,710
of New York's biggest circuses.
19
00:00:43,743 --> 00:00:47,113
We were ahead of a real circus.
20
00:00:47,147 --> 00:00:50,216
-I mean, he's not wrong.
We do have Sheila.
21
00:00:53,286 --> 00:00:55,622
-I bet that's a macchia-toe.
[ Snorts ]
22
00:00:57,490 --> 00:01:00,527
Come on, guys,
that was a good one.
23
00:01:00,560 --> 00:01:02,495
Sheila gotta go,
along with everything else
24
00:01:02,529 --> 00:01:04,197
that makes this place weird.
25
00:01:04,230 --> 00:01:05,632
I can't end up on
that list again.
26
00:01:05,665 --> 00:01:08,201
-Gurgs, aren't you
taking this a little personally?
27
00:01:08,234 --> 00:01:10,236
-None of you were here.
You don't understand.
28
00:01:10,270 --> 00:01:13,573
He called me a fail-iff,
Dan, fail-iff!
29
00:01:13,606 --> 00:01:16,276
-Okay, I say this
as your friend.
30
00:01:16,309 --> 00:01:19,279
I'm probably going to use that.
31
00:01:19,312 --> 00:01:21,481
-#fail-iff was huge.
32
00:01:21,514 --> 00:01:23,516
Is this video you trying
to tackle a streaker
33
00:01:23,550 --> 00:01:24,784
covered in butter?
34
00:01:24,818 --> 00:01:28,355
-He tasted like a lobster roll.
35
00:01:28,388 --> 00:01:30,423
But that's not going
to happen this year.
36
00:01:30,457 --> 00:01:32,158
I'm locking down our crazy.
37
00:01:32,192 --> 00:01:33,593
We're going to have a nice,
38
00:01:33,626 --> 00:01:36,629
bland evening on account
of my secret weapon.
39
00:01:36,663 --> 00:01:39,566
-It's me. I'm a secret weapon.
-[ Giggles ] More of that.
40
00:01:39,599 --> 00:01:42,469
Influencers hate genuine
enthusiasm.
41
00:01:42,502 --> 00:01:46,172
Almost as much as they hate
my other secret weapon.
42
00:01:46,206 --> 00:01:48,775
Lame dads.
43
00:01:48,808 --> 00:01:53,246
-Would a lame dad have
this cool leather bracelet?
44
00:01:53,279 --> 00:01:54,814
-Look, I love this place,
45
00:01:54,848 --> 00:01:57,384
but sometimes I'd like it if it
were a little less this place.
46
00:01:57,417 --> 00:02:00,387
So, for one night only,
let's have no big surprises.
47
00:02:00,420 --> 00:02:03,356
-Nobody move! I have a bomb!
48
00:02:03,390 --> 00:02:06,659
JK. I'm just here
to pick something up.
49
00:02:06,693 --> 00:02:09,496
-Put me down, Heather.
I'm a secret weapon.
50
00:02:10,964 --> 00:02:13,366
-Wow. Crazy Heather's
still alive.
51
00:02:13,400 --> 00:02:16,503
I owe you guys $50.
52
00:02:16,536 --> 00:02:20,573
-The only thing
I'm crazy about is my new baby.
53
00:02:20,607 --> 00:02:23,543
Oh, shoot. I left him strapped
to the changing table.
54
00:02:23,576 --> 00:02:25,412
Mom brain. BRB.
55
00:02:27,781 --> 00:02:31,184
So, no one's gonna
ask about my cool bracelet?
56
00:02:32,986 --> 00:02:37,791
**
57
00:02:37,824 --> 00:02:40,694
-So this is your baby?
Like, you gave birth to him?
58
00:02:40,727 --> 00:02:43,530
This isn't a finders
keepers situation?
59
00:02:43,563 --> 00:02:47,300
-Nope. He's mine.
His name is DiGiorno.
60
00:02:47,334 --> 00:02:48,802
I named him after the pizza
I was eating
61
00:02:48,835 --> 00:02:51,705
when he was conceived.
62
00:02:51,738 --> 00:02:53,973
-Guess this is why I haven't
heard from you in nine months.
63
00:02:54,007 --> 00:02:55,575
I thought maybe you were mad
at me
64
00:02:55,608 --> 00:02:57,444
for throwing your whale tail
in jail.
65
00:02:57,477 --> 00:02:59,446
-You throwing my whale tail
in jail
66
00:02:59,479 --> 00:03:01,614
was just the wake-up
call I needed.
67
00:03:01,648 --> 00:03:04,551
I realized I had to start
acting like a grown-up.
68
00:03:04,584 --> 00:03:08,321
And what's more
grown up than getting pregnant?
69
00:03:08,355 --> 00:03:10,457
-I might have started
with Sudoku.
70
00:03:10,490 --> 00:03:12,892
You don't have to keep
Sudoku alive.
71
00:03:12,926 --> 00:03:14,761
-Ooh, my boobs are barking.
72
00:03:14,794 --> 00:03:17,764
I got to pop off another couple
dozen bottles for this bruiser.
73
00:03:17,797 --> 00:03:19,833
He eats like The Rock
on cheat day.
74
00:03:19,866 --> 00:03:21,368
You're good with babies, right?
75
00:03:21,401 --> 00:03:23,803
-Oh, yeah. Me likey the babies.
76
00:03:23,837 --> 00:03:26,740
-Oh, there's one spot on his
head that will kill him.
77
00:03:26,773 --> 00:03:29,409
Don't touch it. Bye!
78
00:03:32,012 --> 00:03:35,815
-So, um,
what kind of books are you into?
79
00:03:37,417 --> 00:03:39,953
-Wow. You finally meet a man
who's shorter than you,
80
00:03:39,986 --> 00:03:41,821
and you're blowing it.
81
00:03:41,855 --> 00:03:44,491
-I just don't know how to start
a conversation with a baby.
82
00:03:44,524 --> 00:03:46,426
-That's surprising.
83
00:03:46,459 --> 00:03:48,061
I figured you'd be a pile
of mush by now.
84
00:03:48,094 --> 00:03:51,898
Yeah, who's Abby's little yummy,
scrummy chummy?
85
00:03:51,931 --> 00:03:54,501
Things of that nature.
86
00:03:54,534 --> 00:03:56,069
-Just because I look like Dawn
87
00:03:56,102 --> 00:03:59,472
from "The Baby-Sitters Club"
doesn't mean I love babies.
88
00:03:59,506 --> 00:04:02,342
The truth is, I just
don't get the whole baby thing.
89
00:04:02,375 --> 00:04:03,810
But if you say that to people,
90
00:04:03,843 --> 00:04:05,512
they act like there's
something wrong with you.
91
00:04:05,545 --> 00:04:06,913
-Yeah, yeah, yeah,
I get the same reaction
92
00:04:06,946 --> 00:04:08,682
when I tell people
I don't like kittens.
93
00:04:08,715 --> 00:04:12,786
-You don't like kittens?
What's wrong with you?
94
00:04:12,819 --> 00:04:16,456
-They sense death, Abby.
95
00:04:16,489 --> 00:04:19,559
Nothing cute about
the dark magic.
96
00:04:19,592 --> 00:04:21,961
-Yeah, well, babies bring
nothing to the table.
97
00:04:21,995 --> 00:04:23,863
I mean, kids, kids are fun.
98
00:04:23,897 --> 00:04:27,867
They do stuff, but babies just
sit there all high and mighty.
99
00:04:27,901 --> 00:04:29,636
When they cry on planes,
100
00:04:29,669 --> 00:04:31,705
the flight attendant brings
around extra pretzels.
101
00:04:31,738 --> 00:04:34,674
When I cry, they make
me shut off "The Notebook."
102
00:04:36,076 --> 00:04:39,579
I mean, what is anyone
even supposed to do with this...
103
00:04:39,612 --> 00:04:41,915
yummy chummy scrummy?
104
00:04:41,948 --> 00:04:43,583
I was just telling Dan
105
00:04:43,616 --> 00:04:45,485
I want to braise those
little ham hocks in a Crock-Pot
106
00:04:45,518 --> 00:04:48,988
I got at a bargain aisle
at a TJ Maxx.
107
00:04:49,022 --> 00:04:50,957
-Ugh. Can you guys believe it?
108
00:04:50,990 --> 00:04:54,928
My travel pump exploded.
Can't handle my flow.
109
00:04:54,961 --> 00:04:57,597
-And with that, adieu.
110
00:04:59,599 --> 00:05:01,568
-What's his deal?
He still mad
111
00:05:01,601 --> 00:05:03,436
I didn't call him back
after our date?
112
00:05:03,470 --> 00:05:05,705
-When someone is your lawyer,
it doesn't count as a date.
113
00:05:05,739 --> 00:05:07,774
-But --
-I know you're both dressed up.
114
00:05:07,807 --> 00:05:08,942
Still doesn't count.
115
00:05:13,013 --> 00:05:15,749
-Your Honor, my client told
her family for years
116
00:05:15,782 --> 00:05:18,118
that she was in "The Lion King."
So when they came to town,
117
00:05:18,151 --> 00:05:19,919
what choice did she have
118
00:05:19,953 --> 00:05:24,524
but to sneak on stage
dressed as a gnu?
119
00:05:24,557 --> 00:05:27,594
-She caused a stampede
that trampled a father,
120
00:05:27,627 --> 00:05:29,629
forcing his son
to live with a warthog
121
00:05:29,662 --> 00:05:31,898
and his meerkat "boyfriend."
122
00:05:31,931 --> 00:05:34,467
-$100 fine.
123
00:05:34,501 --> 00:05:35,835
Next time, let your parents down
124
00:05:35,869 --> 00:05:39,639
the old-fashioned way,
with a tattoo.
125
00:05:39,673 --> 00:05:42,509
-Deej, let this be a lesson.
That lady's only crime
126
00:05:42,542 --> 00:05:45,011
was getting caught.
127
00:05:45,045 --> 00:05:47,547
-Okay, girls, to get ready
for Dr. Nitelife,
128
00:05:47,580 --> 00:05:50,517
I pushed the rest of
the freaky cases, but be warned,
129
00:05:50,550 --> 00:05:52,552
tomorrow night will be weird.
130
00:05:52,585 --> 00:05:55,588
You're going to want
to put down some tarps.
131
00:05:55,622 --> 00:05:58,124
-Well, I appreciate the help,
Wyatt.
132
00:05:58,158 --> 00:06:00,460
-What? I am being so boring.
133
00:06:00,493 --> 00:06:01,995
We just had "Lion King"
on trial,
134
00:06:02,028 --> 00:06:04,931
and I didn't do one voice,
and I could do all of them.
135
00:06:04,964 --> 00:06:07,033
"Simba."
136
00:06:07,067 --> 00:06:08,702
"Dad!"
137
00:06:08,735 --> 00:06:14,007
"And I'm the lion
that's for some reason British."
138
00:06:14,040 --> 00:06:15,975
-But why is Crazy Heather
still here?
139
00:06:16,009 --> 00:06:18,044
I spent a lot of time
weeding out all the nuts
140
00:06:18,078 --> 00:06:19,512
from the gallery.
141
00:06:19,546 --> 00:06:20,980
You, show me your hand.
142
00:06:23,049 --> 00:06:24,818
The other one.
143
00:06:31,591 --> 00:06:33,593
But none of that matters
if Dr. Nitelife gets a video
144
00:06:33,626 --> 00:06:36,062
of me tackling your wild friend
and her baby.
145
00:06:36,096 --> 00:06:37,797
-Fine. I'll ask her to leave.
146
00:06:37,831 --> 00:06:39,666
I'm just waiting for
the right moment.
147
00:06:39,699 --> 00:06:42,202
And she's talking to Dan.
The moment has arrived.
148
00:06:42,235 --> 00:06:44,671
-Hey, Papa Smurf, you look wise.
149
00:06:44,704 --> 00:06:47,073
Any advice for my
little deep dish?
150
00:06:47,107 --> 00:06:49,876
-You can file for emancipation
at age eight.
151
00:06:49,909 --> 00:06:52,612
Do it.
152
00:06:52,645 --> 00:06:54,948
And some advice for you.
Get your phone out of my face.
153
00:06:54,981 --> 00:06:57,083
-Oh. It's actually
DiGiorno's phone.
154
00:06:57,117 --> 00:06:59,919
It's an Android. What a nerd.
155
00:07:01,121 --> 00:07:03,590
-Heather, I can't believe
you're wasting your one night
156
00:07:03,623 --> 00:07:05,558
in the city
cooped up here with a baby.
157
00:07:05,592 --> 00:07:07,227
You should go out, have fun.
158
00:07:07,260 --> 00:07:08,928
-Oh, Abby.
You really don't mind?
159
00:07:08,962 --> 00:07:11,197
-Oh, no. Come on,
get out of here, you.
160
00:07:11,231 --> 00:07:14,668
-Oh, thank you so much.
I really need a night out.
161
00:07:14,701 --> 00:07:17,037
Okay, I'm going to go
to the club
162
00:07:17,070 --> 00:07:19,939
and let these boobs do
what they were made for.
163
00:07:19,973 --> 00:07:23,009
-Oh, no. No, I didn't mean --
-Oh, you're not mean at all.
164
00:07:23,043 --> 00:07:25,712
Real quick.
"Waah!" means he's hungry.
165
00:07:25,745 --> 00:07:30,250
"Waah" means he's sleepy.
And "waah!" means he's happy.
166
00:07:30,283 --> 00:07:32,185
-He screams when he's happy?
167
00:07:32,218 --> 00:07:34,888
-Oh, yeah, he screams all
the time. You're gonna love it.
168
00:07:36,756 --> 00:07:39,993
-Good news.
Got rid of crazy Heather.
169
00:07:40,026 --> 00:07:41,995
[ DiGiorno cries ]
170
00:07:42,028 --> 00:07:44,597
And that's the end
of the good news.
171
00:07:49,602 --> 00:07:51,171
-All right, Wyatt, I lost
Abby to a baby,
172
00:07:51,204 --> 00:07:53,773
so you're going to have to bore
Dr. Nitelife all by yourself.
173
00:07:53,807 --> 00:07:55,642
-I don't know if I'm your guy,
Gurgs.
174
00:07:55,675 --> 00:07:57,711
I just read a pretty
interesting article about
175
00:07:57,744 --> 00:07:59,779
when to marinate
or went to rub your ribs.
176
00:07:59,813 --> 00:08:03,083
Spoiler alert -- always rub.
177
00:08:03,116 --> 00:08:04,918
-Why aren't you asking me
for help?
178
00:08:04,951 --> 00:08:08,188
-Because I need someone normal
for this job.
179
00:08:08,221 --> 00:08:10,557
-You don't think I'm normal?
180
00:08:12,792 --> 00:08:14,961
It's because of my head,
isn't it?
181
00:08:14,994 --> 00:08:19,032
I'm too bald.
Your words, not mine.
182
00:08:21,768 --> 00:08:26,606
-The doctor is in,
and I need 10 cc of rizz.
183
00:08:26,639 --> 00:08:29,609
Luckily, we just got to the
dumbest place I've ever seen.
184
00:08:29,642 --> 00:08:33,346
Oh, and here's our
favorite fail-iff!
185
00:08:33,380 --> 00:08:35,048
[ Laughs ]
186
00:08:35,081 --> 00:08:38,785
What kind of circus
do you have for me this year?
187
00:08:38,818 --> 00:08:40,820
Why is it boring in here?
188
00:08:40,854 --> 00:08:44,357
Where are my tweakers, freakers,
and hot-butted streakers?
189
00:08:44,391 --> 00:08:46,359
-Well, Doc,
sorry to disappoint you,
190
00:08:46,393 --> 00:08:49,295
but I don't think you'll be
seeing anything freaky tonight.
191
00:08:49,329 --> 00:08:51,898
Certainly not behind you.
192
00:08:53,700 --> 00:08:56,236
-Hi.
-Hi. Hi. I'm Wyatt.
193
00:08:56,269 --> 00:08:57,971
I'll be giving you a tour
of this courthouse.
194
00:08:58,004 --> 00:08:59,939
Let's start in the hallway.
195
00:08:59,973 --> 00:09:02,308
Did you know that hallways
weren't invented until 1597?
196
00:09:02,342 --> 00:09:04,210
I learned that on a documentary
197
00:09:04,244 --> 00:09:07,013
that Ken Burns called
his greatest mistake.
198
00:09:10,183 --> 00:09:11,918
-Get a room, you two.
199
00:09:11,951 --> 00:09:15,088
And when you're done, put those
things through the wash on hot.
200
00:09:17,290 --> 00:09:18,925
[ DiGiorno crying ]
201
00:09:18,958 --> 00:09:22,662
-Do you like this?
Is this fun for you?
202
00:09:22,696 --> 00:09:26,700
Okay, okay. It's not my fault
you're too dumb for fun toys.
203
00:09:26,733 --> 00:09:29,302
-I got to say, I sure hope this
goes better
204
00:09:29,336 --> 00:09:32,739
than when you fostered
that little squirrel.
205
00:09:32,772 --> 00:09:34,240
I've never seen
an animal so willing to jump
206
00:09:34,274 --> 00:09:36,076
in front of a garbage truck.
207
00:09:36,109 --> 00:09:40,046
-That was not my fault.
Zippers was born sad.
208
00:09:40,080 --> 00:09:41,948
-I hate to be
a backseat babysitter,
209
00:09:41,981 --> 00:09:44,417
but you plan on doing
anything about the crying?
210
00:09:44,451 --> 00:09:46,853
-I don't get it.
I fed him, I changed him.
211
00:09:46,886 --> 00:09:49,823
He has his phone.
212
00:09:49,856 --> 00:09:51,825
-I'm starting to believe
that you don't like babies
213
00:09:51,858 --> 00:09:55,929
because babies
don't-a like-a you.
214
00:09:55,962 --> 00:09:58,064
-I've met tons of babies
who love me.
215
00:09:58,098 --> 00:10:02,102
-Oh, oh, hey. Got a fun game.
Name one.
216
00:10:04,037 --> 00:10:06,106
-Um, well, um,
there was this baby
217
00:10:06,139 --> 00:10:08,041
at a beach once who shot
me a look
218
00:10:08,074 --> 00:10:11,311
when a dog was trying to pull
down its swim trunks, so...
219
00:10:11,344 --> 00:10:13,747
-That's a Coppertone ad.
220
00:10:13,780 --> 00:10:15,749
-Okay.
221
00:10:15,782 --> 00:10:17,183
So I've never met a baby
who likes me,
222
00:10:17,217 --> 00:10:19,285
but that's just
because I haven't tried.
223
00:10:19,319 --> 00:10:23,223
If I turned on the charm, this
baby would be obsessed with me.
224
00:10:23,256 --> 00:10:25,458
Watch.
225
00:10:25,492 --> 00:10:28,795
Where's Aunt Abby?
There I am.
226
00:10:28,828 --> 00:10:31,364
-[ Screams ]
-Oh, jeez! [ Gasps ]
227
00:10:31,398 --> 00:10:33,266
-I thought you disappeared.
228
00:10:33,299 --> 00:10:35,201
Don't ever do that again.
229
00:10:37,337 --> 00:10:39,906
-Interesting fact
about this courthouse.
230
00:10:39,939 --> 00:10:41,474
You know "12 Angry Men"?
231
00:10:41,508 --> 00:10:43,343
"Runaway Jury"?
"Legally Blonde"?
232
00:10:43,376 --> 00:10:45,812
None of them were shot here.
233
00:10:45,845 --> 00:10:48,948
-This is the most boring tour
I've ever been on,
234
00:10:48,982 --> 00:10:50,950
and I just got back from
the "Sex and the City" tour
235
00:10:50,984 --> 00:10:53,119
that was all Steve.
236
00:10:53,153 --> 00:10:56,222
-Sorry this isn't going the way
you wanted to, Doc.
237
00:10:56,256 --> 00:10:58,758
Might want to call it
an early night...life.
238
00:10:58,792 --> 00:11:00,093
[ Laughs ]
239
00:11:00,126 --> 00:11:01,828
See, I can use your name
against you, too.
240
00:11:01,861 --> 00:11:03,830
Am I right...life?
241
00:11:03,863 --> 00:11:05,231
-I don't know.
242
00:11:05,265 --> 00:11:07,467
The bald guy with wigs
for hand seems promising.
243
00:11:07,500 --> 00:11:11,771
-Gurgs, I have a decision
that is life or death.
244
00:11:11,805 --> 00:11:14,207
-It'll be death if you don't
get back in that courtroom.
245
00:11:17,344 --> 00:11:20,213
Wyatt, why don't you tell
the doctor
246
00:11:20,246 --> 00:11:23,016
that never-ending anecdote you
had about print media?
247
00:11:23,049 --> 00:11:24,784
-Oh.
-[ Laughs ]
248
00:11:24,818 --> 00:11:26,453
-[ Chuckling giddily ]
249
00:11:26,486 --> 00:11:28,388
Yeah. To get the full context,
250
00:11:28,421 --> 00:11:30,523
you'll need a list of my
favorite magazine subscriptions
251
00:11:30,557 --> 00:11:32,792
in order
of publishing frequency.
252
00:11:32,826 --> 00:11:36,396
"People."
That's once a week.
253
00:11:36,429 --> 00:11:38,131
-Why do you have wigs?
254
00:11:38,164 --> 00:11:42,335
-Because I heard you loud
and clear about my weird head.
255
00:11:42,369 --> 00:11:43,903
-Get to the point, Murray.
256
00:11:43,937 --> 00:11:45,839
-Oh, which hair is
the most normal?
257
00:11:45,872 --> 00:11:48,875
Don King or Larry King?
258
00:11:49,943 --> 00:11:51,978
-Neither.
Just look like a lawyer.
259
00:11:52,012 --> 00:11:55,248
-This would have been
helpful to know $3,000 ago.
260
00:11:56,983 --> 00:11:59,819
-Now, "Bon Appétit,"
that's once a month.
261
00:11:59,853 --> 00:12:02,522
-Look, I know the fail-iff's
only using you
262
00:12:02,555 --> 00:12:04,190
as some boring smokescreen,
263
00:12:04,224 --> 00:12:06,860
but you don't want to be
this way.
264
00:12:06,893 --> 00:12:08,395
-I don't?
265
00:12:08,428 --> 00:12:10,363
-Let me guess.
The lady at the store said
266
00:12:10,397 --> 00:12:13,199
that bracelet would make
you look so cool?
267
00:12:14,334 --> 00:12:17,537
-I knew it was a risk,
but she had a nose ring.
268
00:12:17,570 --> 00:12:19,539
-You show me the good stuff,
269
00:12:19,572 --> 00:12:22,876
and I'll show you things people
want to hear you talk about.
270
00:12:22,909 --> 00:12:26,312
Like an underground rooftop.
271
00:12:26,346 --> 00:12:29,549
A nudie pumpkin patch
that's only open in July.
272
00:12:29,582 --> 00:12:32,585
A fight club where you
can fight a real Ninja Turtle.
273
00:12:32,619 --> 00:12:34,487
-[ Gasps ]
274
00:12:34,521 --> 00:12:36,456
-You'd like that, wouldn't you?
275
00:12:36,489 --> 00:12:39,926
-I can't.
I told Gurgs I would help her.
276
00:12:39,959 --> 00:12:42,228
-I think it's time
you help yourself.
277
00:12:42,262 --> 00:12:45,198
-That's what
the nose ring girl said!
278
00:12:50,503 --> 00:12:52,172
-[ DiGiorno crying ]
-All right, baby,
279
00:12:52,205 --> 00:12:54,307
I don't like you,
and you don't like me.
280
00:12:54,341 --> 00:12:57,210
It says here babies
like high contrast.
281
00:12:57,243 --> 00:13:00,213
So get ready to be dazzled.
282
00:13:02,549 --> 00:13:05,251
Your cradle will rock!
283
00:13:05,285 --> 00:13:07,053
-[ Laughs ]
284
00:13:07,087 --> 00:13:09,289
-Oh! Oh, you like that.
285
00:13:09,322 --> 00:13:12,125
-[ Whines ]
286
00:13:12,158 --> 00:13:15,295
-Uh-oh, put the mask back on.
Your face is upsetting it.
287
00:13:16,496 --> 00:13:18,164
-So nice of you to weigh in
288
00:13:18,198 --> 00:13:21,001
when I've been raising
this baby all by myself.
289
00:13:21,034 --> 00:13:23,103
I had dreams, too, you know.
290
00:13:23,136 --> 00:13:26,006
It was going to be a dancer.
291
00:13:26,039 --> 00:13:27,407
-What are you talking about?
292
00:13:27,440 --> 00:13:29,109
-I don't know.
293
00:13:29,142 --> 00:13:31,011
I'm more tired
than I've ever been.
294
00:13:31,044 --> 00:13:32,412
Nothing is working.
295
00:13:32,445 --> 00:13:34,881
You know,
this has to be Heather's fault.
296
00:13:34,914 --> 00:13:37,150
She's crazy.
She spawned a crazy baby.
297
00:13:37,183 --> 00:13:39,386
This baby wouldn't like anyone.
298
00:13:39,419 --> 00:13:41,621
[ DiGiorno giggles ]
299
00:13:41,654 --> 00:13:43,656
-Seems to like me.
300
00:13:43,690 --> 00:13:45,992
-What? Huh? How?
301
00:13:46,026 --> 00:13:47,660
You did nothing
to deserve that giggle.
302
00:13:47,694 --> 00:13:51,564
-Maybe this baby is just
a very good judge of character.
303
00:13:51,598 --> 00:13:54,401
-Please. He's just smiling at
you because you're a novelty.
304
00:13:54,434 --> 00:13:57,137
He barely sees you.
You're never home.
305
00:13:58,471 --> 00:14:00,674
-You know what I think?
Aunt Abby might be jealous.
306
00:14:00,707 --> 00:14:02,375
Yes. You know what?
307
00:14:02,409 --> 00:14:05,645
She's having
an existential crisis.
308
00:14:05,679 --> 00:14:07,347
-I am not jealous.
309
00:14:07,380 --> 00:14:09,382
And if I were
to have an existential crisis,
310
00:14:09,416 --> 00:14:11,317
it would have been
when the dentist told me
311
00:14:11,351 --> 00:14:13,420
that my mouth was too small
for Invisalign.
312
00:14:14,654 --> 00:14:18,058
-You know what? I can't believe
how soft his little feet are.
313
00:14:18,091 --> 00:14:20,527
The wonderful smell.
[ Sniffs ]
314
00:14:20,560 --> 00:14:22,228
That is coming from him!
315
00:14:22,262 --> 00:14:24,197
-Well, you have fun hanging out
316
00:14:24,230 --> 00:14:26,166
when you don't even
know about the spot on his head
317
00:14:26,199 --> 00:14:28,435
that could kill him.
-You mean the fontanelle?
318
00:14:28,468 --> 00:14:30,337
-"Ooh. I'm Dan.
319
00:14:30,370 --> 00:14:32,138
I know all about parts
of the head
320
00:14:32,172 --> 00:14:34,574
because I dated
pediatric nurses in the '80s."
321
00:14:37,077 --> 00:14:39,346
-Kimberly was my favorite.
322
00:14:42,115 --> 00:14:43,683
-Can I get you a coffee
to stay awake?
323
00:14:43,717 --> 00:14:45,518
Because nothing exciting
is coming.
324
00:14:45,552 --> 00:14:46,953
I made sure of that.
325
00:14:46,986 --> 00:14:48,355
-Well, first of all,
326
00:14:48,388 --> 00:14:51,424
I don't sleep on account
of horse cocaine.
327
00:14:51,458 --> 00:14:54,027
Second, I think things
could be freaking up.
328
00:14:54,060 --> 00:14:55,362
A baby just walked in
329
00:14:55,395 --> 00:14:57,497
with a golden bachelor
strapped to him.
330
00:15:00,667 --> 00:15:02,202
-What the hell is going on?
331
00:15:02,235 --> 00:15:03,536
Why is Dan doing court
with Heather's baby?
332
00:15:03,570 --> 00:15:06,206
-Because Heather's
baby prefers Dan to me.
333
00:15:06,239 --> 00:15:08,041
But that's fine, I don't care.
334
00:15:08,074 --> 00:15:11,011
I hope they smell each other's
heads until they choke on it.
335
00:15:12,212 --> 00:15:16,249
-Shh. The baby's happier
when he thinks you aren't here.
336
00:15:16,282 --> 00:15:18,585
-Cut it out.
This is all too interesting.
337
00:15:18,618 --> 00:15:22,155
-Don't worry, Gurgs,
I understood the assignment.
338
00:15:27,660 --> 00:15:29,129
-Why?
339
00:15:29,162 --> 00:15:31,264
-You told me
to look like a lawyer.
340
00:15:31,297 --> 00:15:34,601
She's called "lawyer."
341
00:15:34,634 --> 00:15:38,071
-I think we found your look.
342
00:15:38,104 --> 00:15:39,472
-Please tell me
this next case won't make
343
00:15:39,506 --> 00:15:42,275
us look like a circus.
-Sure.
344
00:15:42,308 --> 00:15:45,245
Just know,
if I ever were to betray you,
345
00:15:45,278 --> 00:15:47,313
it would be for a good reason.
346
00:15:48,715 --> 00:15:50,617
The people versus Bill Johnson.
347
00:15:50,650 --> 00:15:53,420
-This is a run-of-the-mill
parking violation.
348
00:15:53,453 --> 00:15:55,321
-Well, Your Honor, actually,
349
00:15:55,355 --> 00:15:57,290
the van that Mr. Johnson owns
is his place of business.
350
00:15:57,323 --> 00:15:59,192
-[ DiGiorno fussing ]
-Oh, yes, it is.
351
00:15:59,225 --> 00:16:01,728
It's a place of work.
352
00:16:01,761 --> 00:16:04,664
-Could the Counselor please use
his big boy voice in court?
353
00:16:04,698 --> 00:16:08,034
I'm sure it would be much
appreciated by the prosecutor.
354
00:16:08,068 --> 00:16:10,370
-What wig?
355
00:16:10,403 --> 00:16:12,439
-Judge, Mr. Johnson brought
witnesses.
356
00:16:12,472 --> 00:16:16,576
-Your Honor, Mr. Pecks
is an employee of Mr. Johnson.
357
00:16:16,609 --> 00:16:19,446
-You won't believe your eyes
when you see
358
00:16:19,479 --> 00:16:23,183
how much he can lift
with his nipples!
359
00:16:25,085 --> 00:16:28,188
-Wyatt, why is there
nipple talk?
360
00:16:30,357 --> 00:16:32,659
This guy runs an actual circus?
361
00:16:32,692 --> 00:16:34,327
-I'm sorry, Gurgs.
362
00:16:34,361 --> 00:16:36,262
Dr. Nitelife said he
would take me to cool places.
363
00:16:36,296 --> 00:16:39,499
A man can only build
so many bears.
364
00:16:40,467 --> 00:16:42,802
-Judge, I would like
to request a recess
365
00:16:42,836 --> 00:16:47,474
due to an unforgivable betrayal
by a spineless weasel.
366
00:16:47,507 --> 00:16:50,543
-Your honor, I seem
to have a situation, as well.
367
00:16:50,577 --> 00:16:52,479
A diaper situation.
368
00:16:52,512 --> 00:16:55,181
And I know
that your friend buys generic,
369
00:16:55,215 --> 00:16:57,617
so time is of the essence.
370
00:16:59,552 --> 00:17:01,454
-I really wish we could take
a break,
371
00:17:01,488 --> 00:17:03,356
but we need to get through
these witnesses.
372
00:17:03,390 --> 00:17:05,625
So send in the clowns.
373
00:17:05,658 --> 00:17:08,161
[ Circus music playing,
laughter ]
374
00:17:08,194 --> 00:17:11,598
[ Horns honking ]
375
00:17:15,402 --> 00:17:17,270
-Y'all get out of here
right now.
376
00:17:17,303 --> 00:17:18,605
I can tell by your space work
377
00:17:18,638 --> 00:17:20,774
none of you
are classically trained.
378
00:17:20,807 --> 00:17:26,246
-We got nips, we got flips,
we got exploding diapers!
379
00:17:26,279 --> 00:17:28,214
And who's right in the middle?
380
00:17:28,248 --> 00:17:31,785
The fail-iff!
Rock bottom alert.
381
00:17:31,818 --> 00:17:35,355
If you like this content, please
remember to like and follow.
382
00:17:35,388 --> 00:17:37,123
-You really have to take
this baby.
383
00:17:37,157 --> 00:17:39,526
The odor actually
has a heat.
384
00:17:39,559 --> 00:17:41,494
-Yeah, well, maybe the smell
wouldn't be that bad
385
00:17:41,528 --> 00:17:43,563
if you weren't constantly
kissing that baby's ass.
386
00:17:43,596 --> 00:17:45,331
-You know what?
Why do you have to be
387
00:17:45,365 --> 00:17:46,666
more of a baby than the baby?
388
00:17:46,700 --> 00:17:48,134
-I have nothing in common
with that baby.
389
00:17:48,168 --> 00:17:49,402
That baby sucks!
390
00:17:49,436 --> 00:17:51,671
-[ Gasps ] You think
my baby sucks?
391
00:17:51,705 --> 00:17:55,241
You know what, Abby? You suck!
-No, don't!
392
00:18:00,780 --> 00:18:05,251
-Get your antibiotics,
'cause this is going viral!
393
00:18:06,720 --> 00:18:09,622
-Now your mommy has
two messes to clean up.
394
00:18:17,664 --> 00:18:21,401
-Heather, you're back.
How was the "clerb"?
395
00:18:22,502 --> 00:18:24,204
I'm sorry I said
that about the baby.
396
00:18:24,237 --> 00:18:25,472
Please don't be angry.
397
00:18:25,505 --> 00:18:27,440
-Why would you say
DiGiorno sucks?
398
00:18:27,474 --> 00:18:29,209
-Because there's something
wrong with me.
399
00:18:29,242 --> 00:18:31,344
I tried everything and
I couldn't get him to like me.
400
00:18:31,378 --> 00:18:32,712
When I'm with a baby,
401
00:18:32,746 --> 00:18:34,314
I don't know what
the hell to do.
402
00:18:34,347 --> 00:18:35,749
-No one does.
403
00:18:35,782 --> 00:18:38,284
Why do you think I was
so desperate for a break?
404
00:18:38,318 --> 00:18:39,686
I didn't even do anything fun.
405
00:18:39,719 --> 00:18:43,490
I just went to the park
and ate a hot dog.
406
00:18:43,523 --> 00:18:45,258
Then I got two more.
407
00:18:45,291 --> 00:18:47,861
Okay, I had four!
408
00:18:47,894 --> 00:18:50,697
I'm the worst mom in the world.
-Are you kidding?
409
00:18:50,730 --> 00:18:53,233
From what I've seen,
you're a...
410
00:18:53,266 --> 00:18:56,202
surprisingly okay-ish mom.
411
00:18:56,236 --> 00:18:59,239
-You're just trying to be nice.
412
00:18:59,272 --> 00:19:01,274
Would a surprisingly
okay-ish mom
413
00:19:01,307 --> 00:19:03,810
have four more hot dogs
in her purse?
414
00:19:05,412 --> 00:19:07,280
-If one of them is for me,
415
00:19:07,313 --> 00:19:09,582
I'd upgrade you to
downright not bad.
416
00:19:09,616 --> 00:19:11,618
You must be doing
something right.
417
00:19:11,651 --> 00:19:15,355
You're raising a baby
that Dan Fielding likes.
418
00:19:15,388 --> 00:19:17,424
Are you cutting my hot dog?
419
00:19:17,457 --> 00:19:19,492
-I don't want you to choke.
I can lift you,
420
00:19:19,526 --> 00:19:22,462
but I can't flip you over
and slap you on the back.
421
00:19:24,464 --> 00:19:27,267
Holy crap. I ama great mom.
422
00:19:27,300 --> 00:19:29,569
I should teach a class.
423
00:19:29,602 --> 00:19:31,871
-Yeah. People would learn a lot.
424
00:19:31,905 --> 00:19:33,873
Like a field trip to a prison.
425
00:19:33,907 --> 00:19:35,775
-Just came to say good-bye.
426
00:19:35,809 --> 00:19:37,644
-Aww.
-Oh, no, no, no, no, no, no.
427
00:19:37,677 --> 00:19:39,412
-Okay.
428
00:19:41,314 --> 00:19:42,716
-Ciao, DiGiorno.
429
00:19:42,749 --> 00:19:44,918
And, listen, if you tell
anybody that we did this,
430
00:19:44,951 --> 00:19:47,320
I will just simply deny it.
431
00:19:47,354 --> 00:19:49,322
Boop.
432
00:19:49,356 --> 00:19:50,890
-All right, Deej,
433
00:19:50,924 --> 00:19:53,293
don't let the door hit you
in the diap on the way out.
434
00:19:53,326 --> 00:19:54,794
[ Raspberries ]
-[ Laughs ]
435
00:19:54,828 --> 00:19:57,330
-Ah! [ Raspberries ]
-[ Laughing ]
436
00:19:57,364 --> 00:19:59,866
-I did it! I won!
He likes me.
437
00:19:59,899 --> 00:20:02,535
-Oh. Good job. Boop!
438
00:20:04,637 --> 00:20:07,474
**
439
00:20:07,507 --> 00:20:09,642
-Shoo, shoo.
440
00:20:14,714 --> 00:20:18,485
These clowns are worse
than the rats.
441
00:20:18,518 --> 00:20:20,787
I have to go get
some more traps.
442
00:20:22,522 --> 00:20:24,624
I'm sure #fail-iff is trending
by now.
443
00:20:24,657 --> 00:20:26,926
I don't want to be
a Halloween costume again.
444
00:20:26,960 --> 00:20:28,628
-I do.
445
00:20:28,661 --> 00:20:30,730
I heard him call me
a "pros-e-cutie."
446
00:20:30,764 --> 00:20:31,865
[ Chuckles ]
447
00:20:31,898 --> 00:20:34,634
Makes me blush
when I think about it.
448
00:20:35,769 --> 00:20:37,637
-Well, Dr. Nitelife
blew me off.
449
00:20:37,671 --> 00:20:40,874
He double-tapped me
and said, "Unsubscribe."
450
00:20:40,907 --> 00:20:44,511
-Congrats on blowing up
my TikTok again, Gregs.
451
00:20:44,544 --> 00:20:48,615
Check out the video.
Get ready to binge cringe.
452
00:20:48,648 --> 00:20:51,084
-I can't watch, but I can't not.
453
00:20:51,117 --> 00:20:54,020
[ Cacophony on video ]
454
00:20:54,054 --> 00:20:57,657
Wait, this is nothing
like the last time.
455
00:20:57,691 --> 00:21:00,927
That was me looking
crazy all by myself.
456
00:21:02,429 --> 00:21:05,532
This is us looking
crazy all together.
457
00:21:06,499 --> 00:21:08,868
It's perfect.
-No, it's not perfect.
458
00:21:08,902 --> 00:21:11,504
It's embarrassing to you.
If it doesn't make you feel bad,
459
00:21:11,538 --> 00:21:13,773
how am I supposed to feel good?
I'm 35.
460
00:21:13,807 --> 00:21:16,810
It's too late for me to learn
how to love myself.
461
00:21:17,711 --> 00:21:20,580
-You know what?
Make all the videos you want.
462
00:21:20,613 --> 00:21:22,082
We've got nothing to hide.
463
00:21:22,115 --> 00:21:24,651
-And neither do I.
464
00:21:26,720 --> 00:21:29,989
**
465
00:21:30,023 --> 00:21:31,991
-It's funny.
466
00:21:32,025 --> 00:21:35,795
**
35474
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