Original subtitles

**

-This is nice. Just the boys.

-And you ruined it.

-All right, people, we knew this day was coming, and it's here.

Straighten your ties and cover your thighs.

-Oh, no, I have a note from my doctor

that says my thighs can be uncovered in the workplace.

-Unh-unh. Not tonight.

Gurgs just told me that Dr. Nitelife is coming.

And since I take on other people's energies,

I'm freaking out. -Who's Dr. Nitelife?

-Dr. Nitelife... -Not a real name.

-...is an obnoxious TikTok influencer...

-Not a real job.

-...who goes around making fun of places.

-Not a -- [ Laughs ] Not a bad way to spend a day.

-Last time he was here, he put us on the list

of New York's biggest circuses.

We were ahead of a real circus.

-I mean, he's not wrong. We do have Sheila.

-I bet that's a macchia-toe. [ Snorts ]

Come on, guys, that was a good one.

Sheila gotta go, along with everything else

that makes this place weird.

I can't end up on that list again.

-Gurgs, aren't you taking this a little personally?

-None of you were here. You don't understand.

He called me a fail-iff, Dan, fail-iff!

-Okay, I say this as your friend.

I'm probably going to use that.

-#fail-iff was huge.

Is this video you trying to tackle a streaker

covered in butter?

-He tasted like a lobster roll.

But that's not going to happen this year.

I'm locking down our crazy.

We're going to have a nice,

bland evening on account of my secret weapon.

-It's me. I'm a secret weapon. -[ Giggles ] More of that.

Influencers hate genuine enthusiasm.

Almost as much as they hate my other secret weapon.

Lame dads.

-Would a lame dad have this cool leather bracelet?

-Look, I love this place,

but sometimes I'd like it if it were a little less this place.

So, for one night only, let's have no big surprises.

-Nobody move! I have a bomb!

JK. I'm just here to pick something up.

-Put me down, Heather. I'm a secret weapon.

-Wow. Crazy Heather's still alive.

I owe you guys $50.

-The only thing I'm crazy about is my new baby.

Oh, shoot. I left him strapped to the changing table.

Mom brain. BRB.

So, no one's gonna ask about my cool bracelet?

**

-So this is your baby? Like, you gave birth to him?

This isn't a finders keepers situation?

-Nope. He's mine. His name is DiGiorno.

I named him after the pizza I was eating

when he was conceived.

-Guess this is why I haven't heard from you in nine months.

I thought maybe you were mad at me

for throwing your whale tail in jail.

-You throwing my whale tail in jail

was just the wake-up call I needed.

I realized I had to start acting like a grown-up.

And what's more grown up than getting pregnant?

-I might have started with Sudoku.

You don't have to keep Sudoku alive.

-Ooh, my boobs are barking.

I got to pop off another couple dozen bottles for this bruiser.

He eats like The Rock on cheat day.

You're good with babies, right?

-Oh, yeah. Me likey the babies.

-Oh, there's one spot on his head that will kill him.

Don't touch it. Bye!

-So, um, what kind of books are you into?

-Wow. You finally meet a man who's shorter than you,

and you're blowing it.

-I just don't know how to start a conversation with a baby.

-That's surprising.

I figured you'd be a pile of mush by now.

Yeah, who's Abby's little yummy, scrummy chummy?

Things of that nature.

-Just because I look like Dawn

from "The Baby-Sitters Club" doesn't mean I love babies.

The truth is, I just don't get the whole baby thing.

But if you say that to people,

they act like there's something wrong with you.

-Yeah, yeah, yeah, I get the same reaction

when I tell people I don't like kittens.

-You don't like kittens? What's wrong with you?

-They sense death, Abby.

Nothing cute about the dark magic.

-Yeah, well, babies bring nothing to the table.

I mean, kids, kids are fun.

They do stuff, but babies just sit there all high and mighty.

When they cry on planes,

the flight attendant brings around extra pretzels.

When I cry, they make me shut off "The Notebook."

I mean, what is anyone even supposed to do with this...

yummy chummy scrummy?

I was just telling Dan

I want to braise those little ham hocks in a Crock-Pot

I got at a bargain aisle at a TJ Maxx.

-Ugh. Can you guys believe it?

My travel pump exploded. Can't handle my flow.

-And with that, adieu.

-What's his deal? He still mad

I didn't call him back after our date?

-When someone is your lawyer, it doesn't count as a date.

-But -- -I know you're both dressed up.

Still doesn't count.

-Your Honor, my client told her family for years

that she was in "The Lion King." So when they came to town,

what choice did she have

but to sneak on stage dressed as a gnu?

-She caused a stampede that trampled a father,

forcing his son to live with a warthog

and his meerkat "boyfriend."

-$100 fine.

Next time, let your parents down

the old-fashioned way, with a tattoo.

-Deej, let this be a lesson. That lady's only crime

was getting caught.

-Okay, girls, to get ready for Dr. Nitelife,

I pushed the rest of the freaky cases, but be warned,

tomorrow night will be weird.

You're going to want to put down some tarps.

-Well, I appreciate the help, Wyatt.

-What? I am being so boring.

We just had "Lion King" on trial,

and I didn't do one voice, and I could do all of them.

"Simba."

"Dad!"

"And I'm the lion that's for some reason British."

-But why is Crazy Heather still here?

I spent a lot of time weeding out all the nuts

from the gallery.

You, show me your hand.

The other one.

But none of that matters if Dr. Nitelife gets a video

of me tackling your wild friend and her baby.

-Fine. I'll ask her to leave.

I'm just waiting for the right moment.

And she's talking to Dan. The moment has arrived.

-Hey, Papa Smurf, you look wise.

Any advice for my little deep dish?

-You can file for emancipation at age eight.

Do it.

And some advice for you. Get your phone out of my face.

-Oh. It's actually DiGiorno's phone.

It's an Android. What a nerd.

-Heather, I can't believe you're wasting your one night

in the city cooped up here with a baby.

You should go out, have fun.

-Oh, Abby. You really don't mind?

-Oh, no. Come on, get out of here, you.

-Oh, thank you so much. I really need a night out.

Okay, I'm going to go to the club

and let these boobs do what they were made for.

-Oh, no. No, I didn't mean -- -Oh, you're not mean at all.

Real quick. "Waah!" means he's hungry.

"Waah" means he's sleepy. And "waah!" means he's happy.

-He screams when he's happy?

-Oh, yeah, he screams all the time. You're gonna love it.

-Good news. Got rid of crazy Heather.

[ DiGiorno cries ]

And that's the end of the good news.

-All right, Wyatt, I lost Abby to a baby,

so you're going to have to bore Dr. Nitelife all by yourself.

-I don't know if I'm your guy, Gurgs.

I just read a pretty interesting article about

when to marinate or went to rub your ribs.

Spoiler alert -- always rub.

-Why aren't you asking me for help?

-Because I need someone normal for this job.

-You don't think I'm normal?

It's because of my head, isn't it?

I'm too bald. Your words, not mine.

-The doctor is in, and I need 10 cc of rizz.

Luckily, we just got to the dumbest place I've ever seen.

Oh, and here's our favorite fail-iff!

[ Laughs ]

What kind of circus do you have for me this year?

Why is it boring in here?

Where are my tweakers, freakers, and hot-butted streakers?

-Well, Doc, sorry to disappoint you,

but I don't think you'll be seeing anything freaky tonight.

Certainly not behind you.

-Hi. -Hi. Hi. I'm Wyatt.

I'll be giving you a tour of this courthouse.

Let's start in the hallway.

Did you know that hallways weren't invented until 1597?

I learned that on a documentary

that Ken Burns called his greatest mistake.

-Get a room, you two.

And when you're done, put those things through the wash on hot.

[ DiGiorno crying ]

-Do you like this? Is this fun for you?

Okay, okay. It's not my fault you're too dumb for fun toys.

-I got to say, I sure hope this goes better

than when you fostered that little squirrel.

I've never seen an animal so willing to jump

in front of a garbage truck.

-That was not my fault. Zippers was born sad.

-I hate to be a backseat babysitter,

but you plan on doing anything about the crying?

-I don't get it. I fed him, I changed him.

He has his phone.

-I'm starting to believe that you don't like babies

because babies don't-a like-a you.

-I've met tons of babies who love me.

-Oh, oh, hey. Got a fun game. Name one.

-Um, well, um, there was this baby

at a beach once who shot me a look

when a dog was trying to pull down its swim trunks, so...

-That's a Coppertone ad.

-Okay.

So I've never met a baby who likes me,

but that's just because I haven't tried.

If I turned on the charm, this baby would be obsessed with me.

Watch.

Where's Aunt Abby? There I am.

-[ Screams ] -Oh, jeez! [ Gasps ]

-I thought you disappeared.

Don't ever do that again.

-Interesting fact about this courthouse.

You know "12 Angry Men"?

"Runaway Jury"? "Legally Blonde"?

None of them were shot here.

-This is the most boring tour I've ever been on,

and I just got back from the "Sex and the City" tour

that was all Steve.

-Sorry this isn't going the way you wanted to, Doc.

Might want to call it an early night...life.

[ Laughs ]

See, I can use your name against you, too.

Am I right...life?

-I don't know.

The bald guy with wigs for hand seems promising.

-Gurgs, I have a decision that is life or death.

-It'll be death if you don't get back in that courtroom.

Wyatt, why don't you tell the doctor

that never-ending anecdote you had about print media?

-Oh. -[ Laughs ]

-[ Chuckling giddily ]

Yeah. To get the full context,

you'll need a list of my favorite magazine subscriptions

in order of publishing frequency.

"People." That's once a week.

-Why do you have wigs?

-Because I heard you loud and clear about my weird head.

-Get to the point, Murray.

-Oh, which hair is the most normal?

Don King or Larry King?

-Neither. Just look like a lawyer.

-This would have been helpful to know $3,000 ago.

-Now, "Bon Appétit," that's once a month.

-Look, I know the fail-iff's only using you

as some boring smokescreen,

but you don't want to be this way.

-I don't?

-Let me guess. The lady at the store said

that bracelet would make you look so cool?

-I knew it was a risk, but she had a nose ring.

-You show me the good stuff,

and I'll show you things people want to hear you talk about.

Like an underground rooftop.

A nudie pumpkin patch that's only open in July.

A fight club where you can fight a real Ninja Turtle.

-[ Gasps ]

-You'd like that, wouldn't you?

-I can't. I told Gurgs I would help her.

-I think it's time you help yourself.

-That's what the nose ring girl said!

-[ DiGiorno crying ] -All right, baby,

I don't like you, and you don't like me.

It says here babies like high contrast.

So get ready to be dazzled.

Your cradle will rock!

-[ Laughs ]

-Oh! Oh, you like that.

-[ Whines ]

-Uh-oh, put the mask back on. Your face is upsetting it.

-So nice of you to weigh in

when I've been raising this baby all by myself.

I had dreams, too, you know.

It was going to be a dancer.

-What are you talking about?

-I don't know.

I'm more tired than I've ever been.

Nothing is working.

You know, this has to be Heather's fault.

She's crazy. She spawned a crazy baby.

This baby wouldn't like anyone.

[ DiGiorno giggles ]

-Seems to like me.

-What? Huh? How?

You did nothing to deserve that giggle.

-Maybe this baby is just a very good judge of character.

-Please. He's just smiling at you because you're a novelty.

He barely sees you. You're never home.

-You know what I think? Aunt Abby might be jealous.

Yes. You know what?

She's having an existential crisis.

-I am not jealous.

And if I were to have an existential crisis,

it would have been when the dentist told me

that my mouth was too small for Invisalign.

-You know what? I can't believe how soft his little feet are.

The wonderful smell. [ Sniffs ]

That is coming from him!

-Well, you have fun hanging out

when you don't even know about the spot on his head

that could kill him. -You mean the fontanelle?

-"Ooh. I'm Dan.

I know all about parts of the head

because I dated pediatric nurses in the '80s."

-Kimberly was my favorite.

-Can I get you a coffee to stay awake?

Because nothing exciting is coming.

I made sure of that.

-Well, first of all,

I don't sleep on account of horse cocaine.

Second, I think things could be freaking up.

A baby just walked in

with a golden bachelor strapped to him.

-What the hell is going on?

Why is Dan doing court with Heather's baby?

-Because Heather's baby prefers Dan to me.

But that's fine, I don't care.

I hope they smell each other's heads until they choke on it.

-Shh. The baby's happier when he thinks you aren't here.

-Cut it out. This is all too interesting.

-Don't worry, Gurgs, I understood the assignment.

-Why?

-You told me to look like a lawyer.

She's called "lawyer."

-I think we found your look.

-Please tell me this next case won't make

us look like a circus. -Sure.

Just know, if I ever were to betray you,

it would be for a good reason.

The people versus Bill Johnson.

-This is a run-of-the-mill parking violation.

-Well, Your Honor, actually,

the van that Mr. Johnson owns is his place of business.

-[ DiGiorno fussing ] -Oh, yes, it is.

It's a place of work.

-Could the Counselor please use his big boy voice in court?

I'm sure it would be much appreciated by the prosecutor.

-What wig?

-Judge, Mr. Johnson brought witnesses.

-Your Honor, Mr. Pecks is an employee of Mr. Johnson.

-You won't believe your eyes when you see

how much he can lift with his nipples!

-Wyatt, why is there nipple talk?

This guy runs an actual circus?

-I'm sorry, Gurgs.

Dr. Nitelife said he would take me to cool places.

A man can only build so many bears.

-Judge, I would like to request a recess

due to an unforgivable betrayal by a spineless weasel.

-Your honor, I seem to have a situation, as well.

A diaper situation.

And I know that your friend buys generic,

so time is of the essence.

-I really wish we could take a break,

but we need to get through these witnesses.

So send in the clowns.

[ Circus music playing, laughter ]

[ Horns honking ]

-Y'all get out of here right now.

I can tell by your space work

none of you are classically trained.

-We got nips, we got flips, we got exploding diapers!

And who's right in the middle?

The fail-iff! Rock bottom alert.

If you like this content, please remember to like and follow.

-You really have to take this baby.

The odor actually has a heat.

-Yeah, well, maybe the smell wouldn't be that bad

if you weren't constantly kissing that baby's ass.

-You know what? Why do you have to be

more of a baby than the baby?

-I have nothing in common with that baby.

That baby sucks!

-[ Gasps ] You think my baby sucks?

You know what, Abby? You suck! -No, don't!

-Get your antibiotics, 'cause this is going viral!

-Now your mommy has two messes to clean up.

-Heather, you're back. How was the "clerb"?

I'm sorry I said that about the baby.

Please don't be angry.

-Why would you say DiGiorno sucks?

-Because there's something wrong with me.

I tried everything and I couldn't get him to like me.

When I'm with a baby,

I don't know what the hell to do.

-No one does.

Why do you think I was so desperate for a break?

I didn't even do anything fun.

I just went to the park and ate a hot dog.

Then I got two more.

Okay, I had four!

I'm the worst mom in the world. -Are you kidding?

From what I've seen, you're a...

surprisingly okay-ish mom.

-You're just trying to be nice.

Would a surprisingly okay-ish mom

have four more hot dogs in her purse?

-If one of them is for me,

I'd upgrade you to downright not bad.

You must be doing something right.

You're raising a baby that Dan Fielding likes.

Are you cutting my hot dog?

-I don't want you to choke. I can lift you,

but I can't flip you over and slap you on the back.

Holy crap. I ama great mom.

I should teach a class.

-Yeah. People would learn a lot.

Like a field trip to a prison.

-Just came to say good-bye.

-Aww. -Oh, no, no, no, no, no, no.

-Okay.

-Ciao, DiGiorno.

And, listen, if you tell anybody that we did this,

I will just simply deny it.

Boop.

-All right, Deej,

don't let the door hit you in the diap on the way out.

[ Raspberries ] -[ Laughs ]

-Ah! [ Raspberries ] -[ Laughing ]

-I did it! I won! He likes me.

-Oh. Good job. Boop!

**

-Shoo, shoo.

These clowns are worse than the rats.

I have to go get some more traps.

I'm sure #fail-iff is trending by now.

I don't want to be a Halloween costume again.

-I do.

I heard him call me a "pros-e-cutie."

[ Chuckles ]

Makes me blush when I think about it.

-Well, Dr. Nitelife blew me off.

He double-tapped me and said, "Unsubscribe."

-Congrats on blowing up my TikTok again, Gregs.

Check out the video. Get ready to binge cringe.

-I can't watch, but I can't not.

[ Cacophony on video ]

Wait, this is nothing like the last time.

That was me looking crazy all by myself.

This is us looking crazy all together.

It's perfect. -No, it's not perfect.

It's embarrassing to you. If it doesn't make you feel bad,

how am I supposed to feel good? I'm 35.

It's too late for me to learn how to love myself.

-You know what? Make all the videos you want.

We've got nothing to hide.

-And neither do I.

**

-It's funny.

**