Original subtitles

Hello. Welcome to night court.

What brings you in tonight?

My husband sold my identity on the dark web.

Wonderful.

Upon exiting,

be sure to stop by our customer satisfaction kiosk

and press the face button

that best represents your experience.

And remember, you're rating us,

not the sketch-bag you married.

Why does the city think we need those?

Are they worried people might take

their public urinations elsewhere?

And only three buttons?

I mean, I get you need happy, sad,

and whatever flat mouth is.

But where's conflicted, inspired,

wistful with a subtle tinge of regret?

Hmm

Here comes our first customer:

The People versus Pandora Findlay.

She is charged with destruction of property.

In her latest stab at TikTok immortality,

Miss Findlay attempted some dirty dancing

in a local Tar-zhay.

But when she tried to lift the mannequin above her head,

she dropped Plastic Swayze onto an old woman

who did not have the time of her life.

That movie is so hot. You come for the Swayze,

but, mm, you stay for the Orbach.

Your honor, this is nothing but a childish indiscretion.

I believe Homer said, "In youth and beauty, wisdom is rare."

Who cares what Bart Simpson's dad said?

This went viral.

You know what? Maybe it's best to let

the lawyer do the lawyering.

You wouldn't make it in jail. They take your phone.

Only if they can find it.

Judge, can I have a lawyer who gets what I'm about?

Oh, yes.

Oh, who could possibly understand the vast uniqueness

that is you, Pandora? Perhaps we should find one

of your wholly original contemporaries named

Paxton or Astrid to advocate for you.

Or maybe you could back off and let me do my job!

I have socks older than you.

Astrid. Can you believe this guy?

Is there a button on there that makes it clear

that those are for Dan?

Hey, Abby Stoners, it's your gavel girl.

Reminding you that a career at night court can be fun,

rewarding, and you probably won't get stabbed.

Sorry to interrupt your influencing,

but I just heard a juicy rumor.

Someone here has a crush on Wyatt.

Do they know he still calls people "Playa"?

Ooh. Let's say who we think it is on three.

One, two--

Gail, the new stenographer.

...who's super horny.

Whenever I ask her to read something back,

she always looks at him and does it all breathy.

"And that's when the dog... jumped out the window."

What up, playa?

We doing Gail impressions?

"There... was blood... everywhere."

That case was weirdly graphic for a parking ticket.

Hey Gurgs, you're Chief Bailiff.

Can you authorize me to check out a lie detector?

Sure, but don't make the mistake I did.

Clamps go on the fingers, not the nipples.

Okay, so I'll wash the clamps before I...

put them on my daughter.

Her lying is getting out of control.

She's eight, but she lies on a college level.

She almost convinced me she was adopted.

Hooking her up to a lie detector.

Maybe she should be adopted.

Oh my God. She got to you, too.

Hello, Mr. Fielding! I'm Tad Greevy.

I'm head of the city's Satisfaction Initiative.

We're the ones behind, uh, these bad boys.

I posed for the buttons myself.

Does this look familiar?

That's yellow!

This is disinterested.

I'm here investigating a flurry

of negative feedback from last night.

The frowns were so concentrated,

we assumed that one of the kiosks exploded.

That's only happened once.

Oh. Yeah. I hope there was

a functional kiosk nearby

so that you could tell how people

felt about the explosion.

You're being sarcastic, but there was.

Anyhoo, your client was not satisfied.

Do you often find it difficult relating to people

who are younger than you?

No.

But I do find it difficult relating to people

who are stupider than me.

Okay, I'm sensing some hostility.

But when one of our more, uh,

seasoned public defenders is called "out of touch"--

uhh-- we gotta make sure he's up to the job.

- Uh-huh. - You understand that...

right, guy?

Uh. Yeah.

You know what I understand is that Swift was correct

when he said, when a true genius appears

that all the dunces will form a confederacy against him.

Oh, you're a Swiftie?

Jonathan Swift.

Her name is Taylor.

Oh, Wyatt.

I heard a rumor that you're trying to frighten a child.

Just so you know, I'm available.

You're too excited

and therefore not allowed to participate.

Well, I'm gonna do it anyway.

You know that those face buttons actually do something?

Well, because of that TikTok brat last night,

I've got some City Hall stooge complaining

that I can't relate to young people.

You're all young. You relate to me just fine.

- Absolutely. - Heck, yeah.

My man.

Oh, please. You're all lying.

They don't understand half of what comes out of your mouth.

That's not true.

Dan and I are completely in sync.

As long as he doesn't talk Irish poets

or start ranking the Apollo missions.

Excuse me.

If you didn't understand my references,

why not just tell me?

Because it's easier to just nod, squint your eyes,

and pretend you vaguely remember

some obscure jazz man you've never heard of.

But, Dan, we love that you're from the past.

- Ugh! - It's like being friends

with a museum that comes alive at night.

That was a movie, actually three.

Yes, and yet they only managed to make

"On the Waterfront" once.

My man.

That's it! I don't want any more

special treatment just because of my age.

So no more senior discount at the coffee bar?

All right. Fine, fine.

I've never said this in my life, but...

charge me full price!

That wasn't my fault. Nobody push a button.

New crush theory: It's Cathy, the security guard.

Wyatt doesn't need a pat down every time,

you thirsty tramp.

I still think it's...

Gail.

Care to make it interesting?

Okay, If I'm right, you have to be

my tag-team partner in wrestling class,

and I will turn on you, because that's what the crowd wants.

Well, when I'm right,

you have to come with me to trivia night.

And our team name is "ABSolutely GURGSulous."

I hate trivia. Like, I don't know where

Scooby-Doo went to college.

That's none of my business.

You might want to study up on your Scooby,

because when you lose this bet,

you're going to be like, "Ruh-Roh."

Ruh-Roh.

Now that I'm seeing the eight-year-old strapped

to the lie detector, I feel like

I should have pushed back harder on this idea.

I'm just showing my daughter some of the cool equipment here

and how there's no escape from it.

Nice to meet you.

My feelings are hurt, but at least we know the machine works.

We'll be out of your way in a minute.

I'm just gonna ask a few questions.

The lies stop now.

Whoops.

Did you see where I left my pad with my questions?

Probably in the bathroom where you were practicing

your "tough guy" voice.

She's telling the truth.

I'm going to go track down my questions.

Pro tip: If she's complimenting you, you've already lost.

Hey. Watch this! I didn't go through your desk.

We should ask her about the crush.

Are we talking about how someone here

has a crush on my dad?

- You know about that? - Yes.

- And do you know who it is? - Yes.

Would you tell me who it is if I gave you some jellybeans?

Deal.

Hold on.

I'm just waiting for the needle to move.

It's not moving.

Dad said one of his friends from work has a crush on him.

You're the only one he talks about.

So it must be you.

Oh, he don't talk about me?

Right. Could be you.

That's better.

Wait. What?

Uh, black coffee. Full price.

Mobile order for Tad. Oh! Hey, champ.

Ordering with your mouth, I see. That's old school.

Right. You know what? No.

You know what? Check that.

I'm going to have whatever my young friend is having.

Well, you are in for a tasty treat.

This is a peppermint pumpkin latte, Tad style.

One pump of pep. Two pumps of pump.

And don't skimp on the whip.

Tremendous. I love the dueling flavors

of toothpaste and squash.

No, no, no, no.

Who is this distinguished teenager with back problems?

L-O-L, 'cause that's what I say now.

You know what keeps me so young, Dan?

I figured it was a potion

you whipped up with the rest of your coven.

I'm up for anything.

No, I do something new every day.

Well, not every day.

I once lost a whole week when I took a pill

I found in the subway, but--

damn it, I am gonna live until I die.

I'm up for things.

All right. Go, test me.

Okay, so hypothetically,

if I said let's get out of the city this weekend

and go plum picking.

Fight traffic on my day off to gather a ton of fruit

that I could have easily gotten at the grocery store.

I wouldn't miss it.

If I had a pit bull and asked you to watch him?

And before you answer, know that he has to sleep in your bed.

I could only hope that he would lick my face all night,

because I believe that dogs are capable of love

and wouldn't eat me if things came to that.

There's a music festival tomorrow outside in the park.

I just hope it's really hot.

You know, I forget--

wh-where-- where do you stand on electronic dance music?

EDM? Oh, it's one of my favorites.

I just hope they play my favorite song:

"Boom, Boom, Wop, Wop."

Ah. You really are up for anything, you know.

And that's good because that last one was real.

So you owe me $170 for the ticket,

and I'll see you tomorrow in Flushing.

Can I just have the pit bull eat my face?

This is crazy.

Wyatt's not even my type.

He doesn't look anything like Jerry Orbach.

I don't have a crush on him either.

I'm taking a break from romance since I dumped the Duke.

Got real messy. Even the royal guard

that brought back my underwear was crying.

I can't believe Wyatt thinks we have a crush on him.

I mean, do other people think that?

Are other people betting on us?

Are we the Gail?

Well, I don't mind judging others,

but I don't like it turned around on me.

How could anyone think I have a crush on Wyatt?

I mean, you I get. You're always complimenting his clothes.

I wear the same thing every day.

I'm jealous of anyone who doesn't.

You never compliment my clothes.

Be serious, Abby.

Besides, you're the one always laughing at his dumb jokes.

That doesn't mean anything.

I laugh at Beaker from the Muppets.

I don't have a crush on him...

anymore.

Okay? It was one sex dream,

but I had a lot of pie before bed.

You know what?

I'm changing my bet to you.

Because your eyes are always on his butt.

I'm down here. I can't help it.

All I see are butts. Butts are my faces!

There he is, my colleague

you claim to have no feelings for.

Double or nothing, you can't help

but compliment his outfit.

We can't double our bet. What are you gonna do?

Run two trivia teams?

I could run as many teams as I have names for,

and I'm up to eight.

- Hey, guys. - I hate your sweater.

It's ugly and dumb and-and I don't find

the pattern bold or surprising.

Should I take it off?

No. We hate your body.

Especially the parts you can bounce quarters off of.

Oh, Julianne brought her dad.

Oh, my God, it's Dan.

Hi, Dan from 20 years in the future.

What are you here to warn us about?

She dragged me to a music festival!

Why are you yelling?

We were a little close to the speakers.

So now he's deaf.

I'm a little deaf!

I slipped on some mud,

inadvertently started a mosh pit.

Oh, yeah. He got moshed real good.

Hence the cane and this lovely ensemble

from the Lost and Found collection.

Found this in the lost and found!

Those punks are lucky that Skrillex intervened when he did!

Or they'd be tripping balls in hell right now!

Hello again, Mr. Fielding.

Oh, who's that? Oh.

Oh, no. He doesn't remember who I am.

He's lucky to have you.

What are you doing here, Tad?

Well, I told my boss about our little gab sesh

and how you were cranky and confused,

and she suggested that I give you a full performance review.

So I'm here to watch the mighty silverback

in his natural habitat.

Is a performance review really necessary?

He's an amazing lawyer who can feel the weather in his bones.

What's younger than that?

A performance review is really no biggie.

It just determines if you keep working

and if you get benefits.

And if you get invited to Tad's big birthday brunch.

There are stairs.

I take it that's the guy you don't want to

seem old in front of?

Yeah, probably not the best time

to look like you're about

to give a fireside chat about polio.

Can we just do our jobs now?

You know, when I was picking you up off the ground,

I found some pills.

You wanna take one and just wake up when this is over?

Thank you. But no, I had enough floor in my mouth

when those kids were dancing on me.

Let's just hope that the next defendant

is someone young

so I can show Tad how good I can relate.

The people versus Winston Cradley.

Dagnabbit!

Uh, I mean FML.

Mr. Bradley threatened children with a rake

after their Frisbee landed on his property.

My client did offer plenty of warnings.

What was the nature of these warnings?

Eh?

What did he say?

Oh, dear.

"Beat it, you young whippersnapper,"

"Get a job, hippie," and "Get off my lawn!"

It's like looking in a mirror.

No, it's not. I'm so much younger--

I like young things. Look [ Laughs ] like this toy.

I like-- Oh.

Wyatt, maybe get that for Dan.

Oh, you'd like him to bend over, wouldn't you, judge?

You getting this, Gail?

No. I can do things, for God's-- Ow! Oh! Jeez.

Been there, Bro.

I want it on record that I met Skrillex today.

Okay.

There's only one logical way to settle

which of us has a crush on Wyatt.

I hope you're ready to wear this

and explain why it's super clever to confused strangers.

Well, I hope you're ready to wear this,

because on our tag team, I'm the face.

All right, let's ask some baseline questions.

Is your name Abby Stone?

Yes. Is your name Donna Gurganous?

No.

But if I told you my real name, it would blow your mind.

All right. Looks like we've got our baseline.

Did you ever have sex with Jake in here?

Um, okay.

Yes, but I work at night, and that's when sex happens.

Okay. We're doing this?

Did you really miss my Friendsgiving

'cause your Aunt Terri was sick?

Yes. She was sick--

of not being in Atlantic City.

We had odd numbers for charades because of you.

Well, you would have lost anyway.

You always mouth the answers.

No, I don't.

Okay, fine. Well, you know what?

You over-sing at karaoke.

Oh, you do a lot of white rap, and it makes me uncomfortable.

Yeah, well, your choice of deep cuts alienates the crowd.

I'm lying.

The crowd loves it, and I'm jealous.

All right, now let's ask the real question.

Do you have a crush on Wyatt?

No. Do you have a crush on Wyatt?

No.

All right. It's official. Nobody here likes Wyatt.

Oh. Hey, buddy.

Girl, I know you had something to do with this.

I just told them the truth.

You said a friend at work has a crush on you.

Whaaat?

Don't listen to her. Uh, she's a liar.

Okay. Yes.

I totally said someone had a crush on me, but it's not true.

I knew your mom was listening to us on FaceTime,

and I wanted her to be jealous

because I'm a petty man!

Wow, Dad... Wow.

Lying doesn't seem so cool now, does it, Megan?

There's nothing cool about any of this.

Well, I don't care what you guys think.

I know I'm cool.

It's a shame no one won the bet.

I'd make a pretty intimidating tag team partner.

How does it know I'm lying?

I'm not even hooked up to the machine.

Hi, Mr. Fielding, I'm just finishing up

your performance review.

I just gotta dot the i's and cross the t's

and circle your last day on the calendar.

Uh, actually, Tad, we're here

to give you a performance review.

You're young, so please explain this to me.

With all of humanity's greatest art and culture

at your fingertips,

why do you spend so much time watching this?

I believe it's called "Dancing Grannies."

Oh, yeah. I love those vids. So funny.

Is it all dancing you find funny?

Because we looked through your likes and

it's mostly grannies.

And it's not just grannies dancing,

it's grannies falling down

and some grannies being scared by Halloween decorations

that turn out to be people.

I think you might be ageist.

No, I'm not ageist.

I just think it's funny when you people dance.

You people?

Okay, that was a slip.

But I-I-I love the elderly.

I'm the grandson of two memaws and a pop-pop.

So you can't be ageist because you have old friends.

Tad, Tad, Tad.

When I hear things like that, I don't feel--

Oh, Julianne, what's the word?

Satisfied?

No, don't do anything crazy.

I've never been red button-ed before.

Those frowns go straight to the mayor.

Okay. Wait. Just listen up.

My generation went to the moon.

We invented the computer and the cell phone.

We were the Beatles and David Foster Wallace and

Margaret Atwood and Viagra and the hula hoop.

And I have earned the right to identify with you

as little as I want.

Forget the review. You can have your job.

Just keep me green. I'll do whatever you want.

We want you to dance, Tad.

Thank you for doing this, Julianne.

You know me. I'm up for anything.

Also, I took one of those pills I found,

so you might have to carry me home.

Tad, that's not dancing. Don't skip the whip.

You guys are so mean.

I wish you were my Peloton instructor.

I'm a good rapper.

Damn it!

Good news. Tad had a change of heart.

Seems like I'm qualified to keep my job as a free lawyer.

Why did you let that guy get to you?

You never care what people think.

No, I didn't care what Tad thinks.

Care what you think.

Hearing that you guys are just humoring me,

that you think of me as the old man,

that hurt a little.

You don't know what it's like, but you will.

No wise man ever wished to be younger.

Jonathan Swift reference?

I didn't know you were a Swiftie.

I Google all the old-timey crap you say.

It's led to a lot of targeted ads for reverse mortgages

and a device that helps you put on your socks.

I have that. It's good.

I want to be just like you when I grow up.

Uh-huh. Well, I want to be just like you

if I grow down.

Oh, you want to see a video of Tad dancing?

Also happens to be a video of Tad crying.

It's funny.