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1
00:00:02,878 --> 00:00:04,087
Hello. Welcome to night court.
2
00:00:04,088 --> 00:00:05,380
What brings you in tonight?
3
00:00:05,381 --> 00:00:08,425
My husband sold
my identity on the dark web.
4
00:00:08,426 --> 00:00:09,926
Wonderful.
5
00:00:09,927 --> 00:00:11,803
Upon exiting,
6
00:00:11,804 --> 00:00:14,139
be sure to stop by our
customer satisfaction kiosk
7
00:00:14,140 --> 00:00:15,515
and press the face button
8
00:00:15,516 --> 00:00:17,434
that best represents
your experience.
9
00:00:17,435 --> 00:00:19,519
And remember,
you're rating us,
10
00:00:19,520 --> 00:00:22,189
not the sketch-bag
you married.
11
00:00:23,232 --> 00:00:24,774
Why does the city think
we need those?
12
00:00:24,775 --> 00:00:26,526
Are they worried
people might take
13
00:00:26,527 --> 00:00:28,946
their public urinations
elsewhere?
14
00:00:29,864 --> 00:00:31,197
And only three buttons?
15
00:00:31,198 --> 00:00:33,867
I mean, I get you need
happy, sad,
16
00:00:33,868 --> 00:00:35,201
and whatever
flat mouth is.
17
00:00:35,202 --> 00:00:38,037
But where's conflicted,
inspired,
18
00:00:38,038 --> 00:00:40,415
wistful with a subtle
tinge of regret?
19
00:00:40,416 --> 00:00:41,542
Hmm
20
00:00:41,917 --> 00:00:43,168
Here comes
our first customer:
21
00:00:43,169 --> 00:00:44,836
The People versus
Pandora Findlay.
22
00:00:44,837 --> 00:00:47,756
She is charged
with destruction of property.
23
00:00:47,757 --> 00:00:50,759
In her latest stab
at TikTok immortality,
24
00:00:50,760 --> 00:00:53,344
Miss Findlay attempted some
dirty dancing
25
00:00:53,345 --> 00:00:56,181
in a local
Tar-zhay.
26
00:00:56,182 --> 00:00:59,225
But when she tried to lift
the mannequin above her head,
27
00:00:59,226 --> 00:01:02,103
she dropped Plastic Swayze
onto an old woman
28
00:01:02,104 --> 00:01:05,274
who did not have the time
of her life.
29
00:01:05,649 --> 00:01:08,568
That movie is so hot.
You come for the Swayze,
30
00:01:08,569 --> 00:01:11,071
but, mm, you stay
for the Orbach.
31
00:01:11,363 --> 00:01:13,448
Your honor, this is nothing
but a childish indiscretion.
32
00:01:13,449 --> 00:01:18,328
I believe Homer said, "In youth
and beauty, wisdom is rare."
33
00:01:18,329 --> 00:01:22,290
Who cares what
Bart Simpson's dad said?
34
00:01:22,291 --> 00:01:23,708
This went viral.
35
00:01:23,709 --> 00:01:24,834
You know what?
Maybe it's best to let
36
00:01:24,835 --> 00:01:26,753
the lawyer do the lawyering.
37
00:01:26,754 --> 00:01:29,924
You wouldn't make it in jail.
They take your phone.
38
00:01:30,382 --> 00:01:32,551
Only if they can find it.
39
00:01:33,385 --> 00:01:36,387
Judge, can I have a lawyer
who gets what I'm about?
40
00:01:36,388 --> 00:01:38,306
Oh, yes.
41
00:01:38,307 --> 00:01:40,099
Oh, who could possibly
understand the vast uniqueness
42
00:01:40,100 --> 00:01:44,103
that is you, Pandora?
Perhaps we should find one
43
00:01:44,104 --> 00:01:46,648
of your wholly original
contemporaries named
44
00:01:46,649 --> 00:01:48,775
Paxton or Astrid
to advocate for you.
45
00:01:48,776 --> 00:01:51,903
Or maybe you could back off
and let me do my job!
46
00:01:51,904 --> 00:01:56,115
I have socks
older than you.
47
00:01:56,116 --> 00:01:58,536
Astrid. Can you
believe this guy?
48
00:02:01,956 --> 00:02:03,581
Is there a button on there
that makes it clear
49
00:02:03,582 --> 00:02:05,167
that those
are for Dan?
50
00:02:12,633 --> 00:02:15,343
Hey, Abby Stoners,
it's your gavel girl.
51
00:02:15,344 --> 00:02:18,012
Reminding you that a career
at night court can be fun,
52
00:02:18,013 --> 00:02:20,724
{\an8}rewarding, and you
probably won't get stabbed.
53
00:02:21,934 --> 00:02:23,685
{\an8}Sorry to interrupt
your influencing,
54
00:02:23,686 --> 00:02:25,478
{\an8}but I just heard
a juicy rumor.
55
00:02:25,479 --> 00:02:27,856
{\an8}Someone here
has a crush on Wyatt.
56
00:02:27,857 --> 00:02:30,401
{\an8}Do they know
he still calls people "Playa"?
57
00:02:31,110 --> 00:02:33,361
{\an8}Ooh. Let's say who we
think it is on three.
58
00:02:33,362 --> 00:02:34,571
{\an8}One, two--
59
00:02:34,572 --> 00:02:35,822
{\an8}Gail, the new
stenographer.
60
00:02:35,823 --> 00:02:37,157
{\an8}...who's super horny.
61
00:02:38,909 --> 00:02:40,243
{\an8}Whenever I ask her
to read something back,
62
00:02:40,244 --> 00:02:42,412
{\an8}she always looks at him
and does it all breathy.
63
00:02:42,413 --> 00:02:46,208
{\an8} "And that's when the
dog... jumped out the window."
64
00:02:47,501 --> 00:02:49,168
{\an8}What up, playa?
65
00:02:49,169 --> 00:02:50,879
{\an8}We doing
Gail impressions?
66
00:02:50,880 --> 00:02:55,301
{\an8} "There... was
blood... everywhere."
67
00:02:56,385 --> 00:02:59,179
{\an8}That case was weirdly graphic
for a parking ticket.
68
00:03:00,139 --> 00:03:01,764
{\an8}Hey Gurgs,
you're Chief Bailiff.
69
00:03:01,765 --> 00:03:03,725
{\an8}Can you authorize me
to check out a lie detector?
70
00:03:03,726 --> 00:03:05,768
{\an8}Sure, but don't make
the mistake I did.
71
00:03:05,769 --> 00:03:08,855
{\an8}Clamps go on the fingers,
not the nipples.
72
00:03:08,856 --> 00:03:11,357
{\an8}Okay, so I'll wash the clamps
before I...
73
00:03:11,358 --> 00:03:14,987
{\an8}put them on my daughter.
74
00:03:15,821 --> 00:03:17,405
{\an8}Her lying is getting
out of control.
75
00:03:17,406 --> 00:03:20,117
{\an8}She's eight, but she lies
on a college level.
76
00:03:20,701 --> 00:03:24,246
{\an8}She almost convinced me
she was adopted.
77
00:03:24,538 --> 00:03:25,955
{\an8}Hooking her up
to a lie detector.
78
00:03:25,956 --> 00:03:27,416
{\an8}Maybe she should
be adopted.
79
00:03:27,833 --> 00:03:31,086
{\an8}Oh my God.
She got to you, too.
80
00:03:33,422 --> 00:03:36,341
{\an8}Hello, Mr. Fielding!
I'm Tad Greevy.
81
00:03:36,342 --> 00:03:38,927
{\an8}I'm head of the city's
Satisfaction Initiative.
82
00:03:38,928 --> 00:03:41,721
{\an8}We're the ones behind, uh,
these bad boys.
83
00:03:41,722 --> 00:03:43,890
{\an8}I posed for
the buttons myself.
84
00:03:43,891 --> 00:03:45,643
{\an8}Does this look familiar?
85
00:03:46,352 --> 00:03:47,811
{\an8}That's yellow!
86
00:03:48,979 --> 00:03:51,147
{\an8}This is disinterested.
87
00:03:52,983 --> 00:03:54,859
{\an8}I'm here investigating
a flurry
88
00:03:54,860 --> 00:03:57,362
{\an8}of negative feedback
from last night.
89
00:03:57,363 --> 00:03:59,781
{\an8}The frowns were
so concentrated,
90
00:03:59,782 --> 00:04:03,034
{\an8}we assumed that one
of the kiosks exploded.
91
00:04:03,035 --> 00:04:04,285
{\an8}That's only happened once.
92
00:04:04,286 --> 00:04:05,787
Oh. Yeah.
I hope there was
93
00:04:05,788 --> 00:04:07,580
a functional kiosk nearby
94
00:04:07,581 --> 00:04:08,665
so that you could
tell how people
95
00:04:08,666 --> 00:04:10,458
felt about the explosion.
96
00:04:10,459 --> 00:04:12,503
You're being sarcastic,
but there was.
97
00:04:13,170 --> 00:04:17,132
Anyhoo, your client was
not satisfied.
98
00:04:17,549 --> 00:04:19,676
Do you often find it difficult
relating to people
99
00:04:19,677 --> 00:04:21,302
who are younger than you?
100
00:04:21,303 --> 00:04:22,553
No.
101
00:04:22,554 --> 00:04:24,347
But I do find it difficult
relating to people
102
00:04:24,348 --> 00:04:26,850
who are stupider than me.
103
00:04:27,643 --> 00:04:30,103
Okay, I'm sensing
some hostility.
104
00:04:30,104 --> 00:04:33,272
But when one of our more, uh,
105
00:04:33,273 --> 00:04:38,027
seasoned public defenders
is called "out of touch"--
106
00:04:38,028 --> 00:04:41,030
uhh-- we gotta make sure
he's up to the job.
107
00:04:41,031 --> 00:04:43,408
- Uh-huh.
- You understand that...
108
00:04:43,409 --> 00:04:44,701
right, guy?
109
00:04:44,702 --> 00:04:46,494
Uh. Yeah.
110
00:04:46,495 --> 00:04:48,663
You know what I understand
is that Swift was correct
111
00:04:48,664 --> 00:04:50,665
when he said,
when a true genius appears
112
00:04:50,666 --> 00:04:54,711
that all the dunces will form
a confederacy against him.
113
00:04:54,712 --> 00:04:56,713
Oh, you're a Swiftie?
114
00:04:56,714 --> 00:04:59,924
Jonathan Swift.
115
00:04:59,925 --> 00:05:01,844
Her name is Taylor.
116
00:05:03,512 --> 00:05:05,054
Oh, Wyatt.
117
00:05:05,055 --> 00:05:07,515
I heard a rumor that you're
trying to frighten a child.
118
00:05:07,516 --> 00:05:10,310
Just so you know,
I'm available.
119
00:05:11,103 --> 00:05:12,353
You're too excited
120
00:05:12,354 --> 00:05:15,482
and therefore not allowed
to participate.
121
00:05:15,899 --> 00:05:17,693
Well, I'm gonna
do it anyway.
122
00:05:18,610 --> 00:05:21,738
You know that those face
buttons actually do something?
123
00:05:21,739 --> 00:05:24,157
Well, because of
that TikTok brat last night,
124
00:05:24,158 --> 00:05:26,159
I've got some City Hall stooge
complaining
125
00:05:26,160 --> 00:05:27,827
that I can't relate
to young people.
126
00:05:27,828 --> 00:05:30,580
You're all young.
You relate to me just fine.
127
00:05:30,581 --> 00:05:32,248
- Absolutely.
- Heck, yeah.
128
00:05:32,249 --> 00:05:34,792
My man.
129
00:05:34,793 --> 00:05:37,253
Oh, please.
You're all lying.
130
00:05:37,254 --> 00:05:39,756
They don't understand half
of what comes out of your mouth.
131
00:05:39,757 --> 00:05:40,757
That's not true.
132
00:05:40,758 --> 00:05:41,924
Dan and I
are completely in sync.
133
00:05:41,925 --> 00:05:43,342
As long as he doesn't
talk Irish poets
134
00:05:43,343 --> 00:05:46,763
or start ranking
the Apollo missions.
135
00:05:46,764 --> 00:05:47,847
Excuse me.
136
00:05:47,848 --> 00:05:49,307
If you didn't understand
my references,
137
00:05:49,308 --> 00:05:50,850
why not just tell me?
138
00:05:50,851 --> 00:05:52,560
Because it's easier to just
nod, squint your eyes,
139
00:05:52,561 --> 00:05:54,187
and pretend
you vaguely remember
140
00:05:54,188 --> 00:05:56,440
some obscure jazz man
you've never heard of.
141
00:05:57,816 --> 00:05:59,525
But, Dan, we love
that you're from the past.
142
00:05:59,526 --> 00:06:01,069
- Ugh!
- It's like being friends
143
00:06:01,070 --> 00:06:03,404
with a museum
that comes alive at night.
144
00:06:03,405 --> 00:06:05,448
That was a movie,
actually three.
145
00:06:05,449 --> 00:06:07,575
Yes, and yet they only
managed to make
146
00:06:07,576 --> 00:06:08,868
"On the Waterfront" once.
147
00:06:08,869 --> 00:06:10,453
My man.
148
00:06:10,454 --> 00:06:11,996
That's it! I don't
want any more
149
00:06:11,997 --> 00:06:13,831
special treatment just
because of my age.
150
00:06:13,832 --> 00:06:17,376
So no more senior discount
at the coffee bar?
151
00:06:17,377 --> 00:06:19,045
All right.
Fine, fine.
152
00:06:19,046 --> 00:06:20,421
I've never said this
in my life, but...
153
00:06:20,422 --> 00:06:22,381
charge me full price!
154
00:06:26,762 --> 00:06:29,222
That wasn't my fault.
Nobody push a button.
155
00:06:34,019 --> 00:06:35,937
New crush theory:
It's Cathy, the security guard.
156
00:06:35,938 --> 00:06:37,688
Wyatt doesn't need
a pat down every time,
157
00:06:37,689 --> 00:06:39,566
you thirsty tramp.
158
00:06:40,859 --> 00:06:42,026
I still think
it's...
159
00:06:42,027 --> 00:06:44,238
Gail.
160
00:06:45,280 --> 00:06:46,614
Care to make
it interesting?
161
00:06:46,615 --> 00:06:48,241
Okay, If I'm right,
you have to be
162
00:06:48,242 --> 00:06:50,368
my tag-team partner in
wrestling class,
163
00:06:50,369 --> 00:06:53,372
and I will turn on you, because
that's what the crowd wants.
164
00:06:53,664 --> 00:06:54,705
Well, when I'm right,
165
00:06:54,706 --> 00:06:56,249
you have to come with me
to trivia night.
166
00:06:56,250 --> 00:07:00,086
And our team name is
"ABSolutely GURGSulous."
167
00:07:00,087 --> 00:07:01,838
I hate trivia.
Like, I don't know where
168
00:07:01,839 --> 00:07:02,964
Scooby-Doo went to college.
169
00:07:02,965 --> 00:07:05,258
That's none of my business.
170
00:07:05,259 --> 00:07:07,635
You might want to study
up on your Scooby,
171
00:07:07,636 --> 00:07:09,137
because when you
lose this bet,
172
00:07:09,138 --> 00:07:11,431
you're going to be like,
"Ruh-Roh."
173
00:07:15,018 --> 00:07:16,145
Ruh-Roh.
174
00:07:17,437 --> 00:07:18,604
Now that I'm seeing
the eight-year-old strapped
175
00:07:18,605 --> 00:07:20,273
to the lie detector,
I feel like
176
00:07:20,274 --> 00:07:22,442
I should have pushed back
harder on this idea.
177
00:07:22,693 --> 00:07:24,944
I'm just showing my daughter
some of the cool equipment here
178
00:07:24,945 --> 00:07:27,406
and how there's
no escape from it.
179
00:07:29,491 --> 00:07:30,491
Nice to meet you.
180
00:07:32,411 --> 00:07:35,289
My feelings are hurt, but at
least we know the machine works.
181
00:07:36,165 --> 00:07:37,749
We'll be out of your way
in a minute.
182
00:07:38,000 --> 00:07:40,501
I'm just gonna ask
a few questions.
183
00:07:40,502 --> 00:07:42,254
The lies stop now.
184
00:07:43,255 --> 00:07:44,589
Whoops.
185
00:07:44,590 --> 00:07:46,382
Did you see where I left
my pad with my questions?
186
00:07:46,383 --> 00:07:48,593
Probably in the bathroom
where you were practicing
187
00:07:48,594 --> 00:07:50,179
your "tough guy" voice.
188
00:07:51,054 --> 00:07:53,557
She's telling the truth.
189
00:07:54,391 --> 00:07:56,518
I'm going to go
track down my questions.
190
00:07:57,227 --> 00:08:01,690
Pro tip: If she's complimenting
you, you've already lost.
191
00:08:03,233 --> 00:08:06,569
Hey. Watch this!
I didn't go through your desk.
192
00:08:08,655 --> 00:08:10,740
We should ask her
about the crush.
193
00:08:10,741 --> 00:08:12,742
Are we talking about
how someone here
194
00:08:12,743 --> 00:08:13,994
has a crush on my dad?
195
00:08:14,286 --> 00:08:15,786
- You know about that?
- Yes.
196
00:08:15,787 --> 00:08:18,331
- And do you know who it is?
- Yes.
197
00:08:18,332 --> 00:08:21,376
Would you tell me who it is
if I gave you some jellybeans?
198
00:08:22,669 --> 00:08:23,921
Deal.
199
00:08:24,796 --> 00:08:26,005
Hold on.
200
00:08:26,006 --> 00:08:27,674
I'm just waiting for
the needle to move.
201
00:08:28,884 --> 00:08:30,344
It's not moving.
202
00:08:30,636 --> 00:08:33,304
Dad said one of his friends
from work has a crush on him.
203
00:08:33,305 --> 00:08:34,805
You're the only one
he talks about.
204
00:08:34,806 --> 00:08:36,098
So it must be you.
205
00:08:36,099 --> 00:08:37,350
Oh, he don't
talk about me?
206
00:08:37,351 --> 00:08:38,726
Right. Could be you.
207
00:08:38,727 --> 00:08:40,102
That's better.
208
00:08:40,103 --> 00:08:41,604
Wait. What?
209
00:08:43,232 --> 00:08:45,734
Uh, black coffee.
Full price.
210
00:08:46,693 --> 00:08:50,071
Mobile order for Tad.
Oh! Hey, champ.
211
00:08:50,072 --> 00:08:53,158
Ordering with your mouth,
I see. That's old school.
212
00:08:53,700 --> 00:08:54,909
Right.
You know what? No.
213
00:08:54,910 --> 00:08:56,702
You know what? Check that.
214
00:08:56,703 --> 00:08:58,829
I'm going to have whatever
my young friend is having.
215
00:08:58,830 --> 00:09:01,290
Well, you are in
for a tasty treat.
216
00:09:01,291 --> 00:09:04,835
This is a peppermint
pumpkin latte, Tad style.
217
00:09:04,836 --> 00:09:07,713
One pump of pep.
Two pumps of pump.
218
00:09:07,714 --> 00:09:09,216
And don't skimp
on the whip.
219
00:09:10,550 --> 00:09:12,093
Tremendous. I love
the dueling flavors
220
00:09:12,094 --> 00:09:14,887
of toothpaste
and squash.
221
00:09:14,888 --> 00:09:16,890
No, no, no, no.
222
00:09:18,183 --> 00:09:21,478
Who is this distinguished
teenager with back problems?
223
00:09:22,062 --> 00:09:25,190
L-O-L, 'cause that's
what I say now.
224
00:09:26,650 --> 00:09:28,777
You know what keeps
me so young, Dan?
225
00:09:29,194 --> 00:09:31,070
I figured it was a potion
226
00:09:31,071 --> 00:09:33,573
you whipped up
with the rest of your coven.
227
00:09:34,741 --> 00:09:37,660
I'm up for anything.
228
00:09:37,661 --> 00:09:39,078
No, I do something new
every day.
229
00:09:39,079 --> 00:09:40,705
Well, not every day.
230
00:09:40,706 --> 00:09:43,207
I once lost a whole week
when I took a pill
231
00:09:43,208 --> 00:09:45,501
I found in the subway,
but--
232
00:09:45,502 --> 00:09:49,880
damn it, I am gonna
live until I die.
233
00:09:49,881 --> 00:09:52,008
I'm up for things.
234
00:09:52,009 --> 00:09:53,884
All right.
Go, test me.
235
00:09:53,885 --> 00:09:56,178
Okay, so hypothetically,
236
00:09:56,179 --> 00:09:59,557
if I said let's
get out of the city this weekend
237
00:09:59,558 --> 00:10:01,976
and go plum picking.
238
00:10:01,977 --> 00:10:05,604
Fight traffic on my day
off to gather a ton of fruit
239
00:10:05,605 --> 00:10:08,734
that I could have easily
gotten at the grocery store.
240
00:10:09,860 --> 00:10:11,695
I wouldn't miss it.
241
00:10:12,863 --> 00:10:15,406
If I had a pit bull
and asked you to watch him?
242
00:10:15,407 --> 00:10:19,618
And before you answer, know that
he has to sleep in your bed.
243
00:10:19,619 --> 00:10:23,205
I could only hope that
he would lick my face all night,
244
00:10:23,206 --> 00:10:25,207
because I believe
that dogs are capable of love
245
00:10:25,208 --> 00:10:27,836
and wouldn't eat me
if things came to that.
246
00:10:28,754 --> 00:10:33,132
There's a music festival
tomorrow outside in the park.
247
00:10:33,133 --> 00:10:36,218
I just hope it's really hot.
248
00:10:36,219 --> 00:10:37,720
You know, I forget--
249
00:10:37,721 --> 00:10:40,639
wh-where-- where do you stand
on electronic dance music?
250
00:10:40,640 --> 00:10:45,644
EDM?
Oh, it's one of my favorites.
251
00:10:45,645 --> 00:10:47,063
I just hope they play my
favorite song:
252
00:10:47,064 --> 00:10:48,647
"Boom, Boom,
Wop, Wop."
253
00:10:48,648 --> 00:10:52,026
Ah. You really are up
for anything, you know.
254
00:10:52,027 --> 00:10:55,154
And that's good
because that last one was real.
255
00:10:55,155 --> 00:10:57,782
So you owe me $170
for the ticket,
256
00:10:57,783 --> 00:11:00,576
and I'll see you tomorrow
in Flushing.
257
00:11:00,577 --> 00:11:03,080
Can I just have
the pit bull eat my face?
258
00:11:03,955 --> 00:11:05,623
This is crazy.
259
00:11:05,624 --> 00:11:06,999
Wyatt's not even my type.
260
00:11:07,000 --> 00:11:09,752
He doesn't look anything
like Jerry Orbach.
261
00:11:09,753 --> 00:11:11,670
I don't have
a crush on him either.
262
00:11:11,671 --> 00:11:15,091
I'm taking a break from romance
since I dumped the Duke.
263
00:11:15,092 --> 00:11:17,593
Got real messy.
Even the royal guard
264
00:11:17,594 --> 00:11:20,222
that brought back my underwear
was crying.
265
00:11:20,597 --> 00:11:23,349
I can't believe Wyatt thinks
we have a crush on him.
266
00:11:23,350 --> 00:11:25,226
I mean, do other people
think that?
267
00:11:25,227 --> 00:11:26,811
Are other people
betting on us?
268
00:11:26,812 --> 00:11:29,563
Are we the Gail?
269
00:11:29,564 --> 00:11:31,107
Well, I don't mind
judging others,
270
00:11:31,108 --> 00:11:33,025
but I don't like it
turned around on me.
271
00:11:33,026 --> 00:11:36,153
How could anyone think
I have a crush on Wyatt?
272
00:11:36,154 --> 00:11:38,572
I mean, you I get. You're always
complimenting his clothes.
273
00:11:38,573 --> 00:11:39,990
I wear the same thing
every day.
274
00:11:39,991 --> 00:11:41,993
I'm jealous of anyone
who doesn't.
275
00:11:43,120 --> 00:11:44,036
You never compliment my
clothes.
276
00:11:44,037 --> 00:11:45,831
Be serious, Abby.
277
00:11:47,791 --> 00:11:50,292
Besides, you're the one always
laughing at his dumb jokes.
278
00:11:50,293 --> 00:11:51,752
That doesn't
mean anything.
279
00:11:51,753 --> 00:11:53,879
I laugh at Beaker
from the Muppets.
280
00:11:53,880 --> 00:11:55,548
I don't have a crush
on him...
281
00:11:55,549 --> 00:11:56,800
anymore.
282
00:11:57,384 --> 00:11:58,717
Okay? It was one sex dream,
283
00:11:58,718 --> 00:12:01,512
but I had a lot of pie
before bed.
284
00:12:01,513 --> 00:12:02,471
You know what?
285
00:12:02,472 --> 00:12:04,265
I'm changing my bet
to you.
286
00:12:04,266 --> 00:12:06,851
Because your eyes are
always on his butt.
287
00:12:06,852 --> 00:12:09,437
I'm down here.
I can't help it.
288
00:12:09,438 --> 00:12:12,565
All I see are butts.
Butts are my faces!
289
00:12:18,321 --> 00:12:19,822
There he is, my colleague
290
00:12:19,823 --> 00:12:21,532
you claim to have
no feelings for.
291
00:12:21,533 --> 00:12:23,200
Double or nothing,
you can't help
292
00:12:23,201 --> 00:12:24,910
but compliment
his outfit.
293
00:12:24,911 --> 00:12:26,120
We can't double our bet.
What are you gonna do?
294
00:12:26,121 --> 00:12:27,913
Run two trivia teams?
295
00:12:27,914 --> 00:12:30,040
I could run as many teams
as I have names for,
296
00:12:30,041 --> 00:12:31,793
and I'm up to eight.
297
00:12:32,669 --> 00:12:34,379
- Hey, guys.
- I hate your sweater.
298
00:12:35,672 --> 00:12:37,131
It's ugly and dumb
and-and I don't find
299
00:12:37,132 --> 00:12:39,718
the pattern bold
or surprising.
300
00:12:39,968 --> 00:12:41,051
Should I take it off?
301
00:12:41,052 --> 00:12:42,761
No.
We hate your body.
302
00:12:42,762 --> 00:12:44,890
Especially the parts you can
bounce quarters off of.
303
00:12:46,641 --> 00:12:48,894
Oh, Julianne
brought her dad.
304
00:12:49,895 --> 00:12:51,771
Oh, my God, it's Dan.
305
00:12:53,565 --> 00:12:56,108
Hi, Dan from 20 years
in the future.
306
00:12:56,109 --> 00:12:57,736
What are you here
to warn us about?
307
00:12:59,112 --> 00:13:00,279
She dragged me
to a music festival!
308
00:13:00,280 --> 00:13:01,655
Why are you yelling?
309
00:13:01,656 --> 00:13:03,699
We were a little close
to the speakers.
310
00:13:03,700 --> 00:13:04,825
So now he's deaf.
311
00:13:04,826 --> 00:13:06,786
I'm a little deaf!
312
00:13:07,204 --> 00:13:08,913
I slipped on some mud,
313
00:13:08,914 --> 00:13:10,916
inadvertently started
a mosh pit.
314
00:13:11,958 --> 00:13:14,126
Oh, yeah.
He got moshed real good.
315
00:13:14,127 --> 00:13:16,420
Hence the cane
and this lovely ensemble
316
00:13:16,421 --> 00:13:18,881
from the Lost and Found
collection.
317
00:13:18,882 --> 00:13:21,134
Found this in
the lost and found!
318
00:13:22,677 --> 00:13:26,263
Those punks are lucky that
Skrillex intervened when he did!
319
00:13:26,264 --> 00:13:29,518
Or they'd be tripping balls
in hell right now!
320
00:13:31,228 --> 00:13:32,811
Hello again, Mr. Fielding.
321
00:13:32,812 --> 00:13:34,063
Oh, who's that? Oh.
322
00:13:34,064 --> 00:13:37,901
Oh, no. He doesn't
remember who I am.
323
00:13:38,235 --> 00:13:39,401
He's lucky to have you.
324
00:13:39,402 --> 00:13:41,278
What are you
doing here, Tad?
325
00:13:41,279 --> 00:13:43,405
Well, I told my boss
about our little gab sesh
326
00:13:43,406 --> 00:13:45,866
and how you were cranky
and confused,
327
00:13:45,867 --> 00:13:48,953
and she suggested that I give
you a full performance review.
328
00:13:48,954 --> 00:13:51,956
So I'm here to watch
the mighty silverback
329
00:13:51,957 --> 00:13:53,457
in his natural habitat.
330
00:13:53,458 --> 00:13:56,001
Is a performance review
really necessary?
331
00:13:56,002 --> 00:13:59,129
He's an amazing lawyer who can
feel the weather in his bones.
332
00:13:59,130 --> 00:14:01,550
What's younger than that?
333
00:14:02,425 --> 00:14:04,760
A performance review is
really no biggie.
334
00:14:04,761 --> 00:14:06,637
It just determines
if you keep working
335
00:14:06,638 --> 00:14:08,597
and if you get benefits.
336
00:14:08,598 --> 00:14:12,727
And if you get invited
to Tad's big birthday brunch.
337
00:14:13,103 --> 00:14:14,854
There are stairs.
338
00:14:15,689 --> 00:14:16,939
I take it that's the guy
you don't want to
339
00:14:16,940 --> 00:14:18,274
seem old in front of?
340
00:14:18,275 --> 00:14:19,358
Yeah, probably
not the best time
341
00:14:19,359 --> 00:14:20,734
to look like you're about
342
00:14:20,735 --> 00:14:22,236
to give a fireside chat
about polio.
343
00:14:22,237 --> 00:14:24,072
Can we just
do our jobs now?
344
00:14:25,574 --> 00:14:27,658
You know, when I was
picking you up off the ground,
345
00:14:27,659 --> 00:14:29,076
I found some pills.
346
00:14:29,077 --> 00:14:31,912
You wanna take one and
just wake up when this is over?
347
00:14:31,913 --> 00:14:34,039
Thank you. But no,
I had enough floor in my mouth
348
00:14:34,040 --> 00:14:35,583
when those kids
were dancing on me.
349
00:14:35,584 --> 00:14:37,042
Let's just hope that
the next defendant
350
00:14:37,043 --> 00:14:38,586
is someone young
351
00:14:38,587 --> 00:14:40,922
so I can show Tad
how good I can relate.
352
00:14:41,172 --> 00:14:43,758
The people versus
Winston Cradley.
353
00:14:47,137 --> 00:14:48,512
Dagnabbit!
354
00:14:48,513 --> 00:14:50,849
Uh, I mean FML.
355
00:14:52,142 --> 00:14:54,935
Mr. Bradley threatened
children with a rake
356
00:14:54,936 --> 00:14:58,105
after their Frisbee landed
on his property.
357
00:14:58,106 --> 00:15:00,399
My client did offer plenty
of warnings.
358
00:15:00,400 --> 00:15:02,026
What was the nature
of these warnings?
359
00:15:02,027 --> 00:15:04,069
Eh?
360
00:15:04,070 --> 00:15:05,195
What did he say?
361
00:15:05,196 --> 00:15:06,948
Oh, dear.
362
00:15:07,574 --> 00:15:09,074
"Beat it, you young
whippersnapper,"
363
00:15:09,075 --> 00:15:12,703
"Get a job, hippie,"
and "Get off my lawn!"
364
00:15:12,704 --> 00:15:15,582
It's like looking
in a mirror.
365
00:15:17,083 --> 00:15:19,084
No, it's not.
I'm so much younger--
366
00:15:19,085 --> 00:15:21,962
I like young things.
Look [ Laughs ] like this toy.
367
00:15:21,963 --> 00:15:24,132
I like-- Oh.
368
00:15:24,466 --> 00:15:25,966
Wyatt, maybe get that
for Dan.
369
00:15:25,967 --> 00:15:28,052
Oh, you'd like him to bend
over, wouldn't you, judge?
370
00:15:28,053 --> 00:15:29,845
You getting this, Gail?
371
00:15:29,846 --> 00:15:33,600
No. I can do things, for
God's-- Ow! Oh! Jeez.
372
00:15:34,017 --> 00:15:35,977
Been there, Bro.
373
00:15:37,979 --> 00:15:41,982
I want it on record
that I met Skrillex today.
374
00:15:41,983 --> 00:15:43,484
Okay.
375
00:15:43,485 --> 00:15:45,402
There's only one logical way
to settle
376
00:15:45,403 --> 00:15:47,571
which of us
has a crush on Wyatt.
377
00:15:47,572 --> 00:15:49,823
I hope you're ready
to wear this
378
00:15:49,824 --> 00:15:53,119
and explain why it's super
clever to confused strangers.
379
00:15:53,536 --> 00:15:55,663
Well, I hope you're
ready to wear this,
380
00:15:55,664 --> 00:15:59,042
because on our tag team,
I'm the face.
381
00:16:00,293 --> 00:16:02,795
All right, let's ask
some baseline questions.
382
00:16:02,796 --> 00:16:04,380
Is your name Abby Stone?
383
00:16:04,381 --> 00:16:07,716
Yes.
Is your name Donna Gurganous?
384
00:16:07,717 --> 00:16:09,176
No.
385
00:16:09,177 --> 00:16:11,846
But if I told you my real name,
it would blow your mind.
386
00:16:12,430 --> 00:16:13,889
All right. Looks like
we've got our baseline.
387
00:16:13,890 --> 00:16:17,142
Did you ever have sex
with Jake in here?
388
00:16:17,143 --> 00:16:18,977
Um, okay.
389
00:16:18,978 --> 00:16:22,023
Yes, but I work at night,
and that's when sex happens.
390
00:16:22,899 --> 00:16:24,483
Okay. We're doing this?
391
00:16:24,484 --> 00:16:26,193
Did you really miss
my Friendsgiving
392
00:16:26,194 --> 00:16:27,487
'cause your Aunt Terri
was sick?
393
00:16:27,946 --> 00:16:29,613
Yes. She was sick--
394
00:16:29,614 --> 00:16:31,991
of not being
in Atlantic City.
395
00:16:33,076 --> 00:16:35,119
We had odd numbers
for charades because of you.
396
00:16:35,120 --> 00:16:36,328
Well, you would have lost
anyway.
397
00:16:36,329 --> 00:16:37,746
You always mouth
the answers.
398
00:16:37,747 --> 00:16:39,623
No, I don't.
399
00:16:39,624 --> 00:16:41,166
Okay, fine.
Well, you know what?
400
00:16:41,167 --> 00:16:42,627
You over-sing at karaoke.
401
00:16:44,212 --> 00:16:45,505
Oh, you do a lot of white rap,
and it makes me uncomfortable.
402
00:16:47,048 --> 00:16:48,716
Yeah, well, your choice of
deep cuts alienates the crowd.
403
00:16:48,717 --> 00:16:50,384
I'm lying.
404
00:16:50,385 --> 00:16:52,220
The crowd loves it,
and I'm jealous.
405
00:16:53,138 --> 00:16:56,223
All right, now let's ask
the real question.
406
00:16:56,224 --> 00:16:58,183
Do you have a crush on Wyatt?
407
00:16:58,184 --> 00:17:00,144
No. Do you have
a crush on Wyatt?
408
00:17:00,145 --> 00:17:01,854
No.
409
00:17:01,855 --> 00:17:04,231
All right. It's official.
Nobody here likes Wyatt.
410
00:17:04,232 --> 00:17:07,944
Oh. Hey, buddy.
411
00:17:08,778 --> 00:17:10,237
Girl, I know you
had something to do with this.
412
00:17:10,238 --> 00:17:12,322
I just told them the truth.
413
00:17:12,323 --> 00:17:15,117
You said a friend at work
has a crush on you.
414
00:17:15,118 --> 00:17:17,953
Whaaat?
415
00:17:17,954 --> 00:17:19,997
Don't listen to her.
Uh, she's a liar.
416
00:17:19,998 --> 00:17:21,623
Okay. Yes.
417
00:17:21,624 --> 00:17:23,500
I totally said someone had a
crush on me, but it's not true.
418
00:17:23,501 --> 00:17:25,294
I knew your mom
was listening to us on FaceTime,
419
00:17:25,295 --> 00:17:26,378
and I wanted her to be jealous
420
00:17:26,379 --> 00:17:29,340
because I'm a petty man!
421
00:17:29,674 --> 00:17:32,677
Wow, Dad...
Wow.
422
00:17:33,011 --> 00:17:35,304
Lying doesn't seem
so cool now, does it, Megan?
423
00:17:35,305 --> 00:17:38,516
There's nothing cool
about any of this.
424
00:17:39,684 --> 00:17:41,268
Well, I don't care
what you guys think.
425
00:17:41,269 --> 00:17:45,356
I know I'm cool.
426
00:17:46,107 --> 00:17:47,775
It's a shame
no one won the bet.
427
00:17:47,776 --> 00:17:50,194
I'd make a pretty intimidating
tag team partner.
428
00:17:50,195 --> 00:17:52,488
How does it know I'm lying?
429
00:17:52,489 --> 00:17:54,574
I'm not even hooked up
to the machine.
430
00:18:00,038 --> 00:18:01,538
Hi, Mr. Fielding,
I'm just finishing up
431
00:18:01,539 --> 00:18:03,040
your performance review.
432
00:18:03,041 --> 00:18:04,917
I just gotta dot the i's
and cross the t's
433
00:18:04,918 --> 00:18:07,921
and circle your last day
on the calendar.
434
00:18:08,338 --> 00:18:09,671
Uh, actually, Tad, we're here
435
00:18:09,672 --> 00:18:12,174
to give you
a performance review.
436
00:18:12,175 --> 00:18:14,927
You're young,
so please explain this to me.
437
00:18:14,928 --> 00:18:17,471
With all of humanity's
greatest art and culture
438
00:18:17,472 --> 00:18:19,014
at your fingertips,
439
00:18:19,015 --> 00:18:21,642
why do you spend
so much time watching this?
440
00:18:21,643 --> 00:18:25,103
I believe it's called
"Dancing Grannies."
441
00:18:25,104 --> 00:18:29,025
Oh, yeah. I love those vids.
So funny.
442
00:18:29,651 --> 00:18:31,443
Is it all dancing
you find funny?
443
00:18:31,444 --> 00:18:34,404
Because we looked through your
likes and
444
00:18:34,405 --> 00:18:36,031
it's mostly grannies.
445
00:18:36,032 --> 00:18:38,325
And it's not just
grannies dancing,
446
00:18:38,326 --> 00:18:40,369
it's grannies
falling down
447
00:18:40,370 --> 00:18:43,580
and some grannies being scared
by Halloween decorations
448
00:18:43,581 --> 00:18:45,834
that turn out
to be people.
449
00:18:46,876 --> 00:18:48,253
I think you might be ageist.
450
00:18:48,837 --> 00:18:50,337
No, I'm not ageist.
451
00:18:50,338 --> 00:18:52,464
I just think it's funny
when you people dance.
452
00:18:52,465 --> 00:18:54,258
You people?
453
00:18:54,259 --> 00:18:56,385
Okay, that was a slip.
454
00:18:56,386 --> 00:18:58,762
But I-I-I love the elderly.
455
00:18:58,763 --> 00:19:01,807
I'm the grandson of two memaws
and a pop-pop.
456
00:19:01,808 --> 00:19:05,727
So you can't be ageist
because you have old friends.
457
00:19:05,728 --> 00:19:09,147
Tad, Tad, Tad.
458
00:19:09,148 --> 00:19:11,608
When I hear things like that,
I don't feel--
459
00:19:11,609 --> 00:19:14,194
Oh, Julianne,
what's the word?
460
00:19:14,195 --> 00:19:16,196
Satisfied?
461
00:19:16,197 --> 00:19:17,906
No, don't do
anything crazy.
462
00:19:17,907 --> 00:19:19,324
I've never been
red button-ed before.
463
00:19:19,325 --> 00:19:21,577
Those frowns go
straight to the mayor.
464
00:19:21,578 --> 00:19:23,328
Okay. Wait.
Just listen up.
465
00:19:23,329 --> 00:19:24,872
My generation
went to the moon.
466
00:19:24,873 --> 00:19:27,124
We invented the computer
and the cell phone.
467
00:19:27,125 --> 00:19:30,252
We were the Beatles
and David Foster Wallace and
468
00:19:30,253 --> 00:19:33,714
Margaret Atwood and Viagra
and the hula hoop.
469
00:19:33,715 --> 00:19:37,259
And I have earned the right
to identify with you
470
00:19:37,260 --> 00:19:39,804
as little as I want.
471
00:19:40,763 --> 00:19:42,764
Forget the review.
You can have your job.
472
00:19:42,765 --> 00:19:44,893
Just keep me green.
I'll do whatever you want.
473
00:19:45,143 --> 00:19:47,395
We want you
to dance, Tad.
474
00:19:51,190 --> 00:19:52,900
Thank you for doing this,
Julianne.
475
00:19:52,901 --> 00:19:55,068
You know me.
I'm up for anything.
476
00:19:55,069 --> 00:19:57,029
Also, I took one
of those pills I found,
477
00:19:57,030 --> 00:19:59,282
so you might have to carry
me home.
478
00:20:00,325 --> 00:20:04,996
Tad, that's not dancing.
Don't skip the whip.
479
00:20:05,538 --> 00:20:07,331
You guys are so mean.
480
00:20:07,332 --> 00:20:09,584
I wish you were
my Peloton instructor.
481
00:20:11,753 --> 00:20:13,128
I'm a good rapper.
482
00:20:13,129 --> 00:20:15,505
Damn it!
483
00:20:17,008 --> 00:20:18,467
Good news.
Tad had a change of heart.
484
00:20:18,468 --> 00:20:22,096
Seems like I'm qualified
to keep my job as a free lawyer.
485
00:20:23,014 --> 00:20:24,723
Why did you let
that guy get to you?
486
00:20:24,724 --> 00:20:26,058
You never care what
people think.
487
00:20:26,059 --> 00:20:28,393
No, I didn't care
what Tad thinks.
488
00:20:28,394 --> 00:20:29,770
Care what you think.
489
00:20:29,771 --> 00:20:31,647
Hearing that you guys
are just humoring me,
490
00:20:31,648 --> 00:20:33,273
that you think of me
as the old man,
491
00:20:33,274 --> 00:20:36,027
that hurt a little.
492
00:20:36,402 --> 00:20:39,197
You don't know what it's like,
but you will.
493
00:20:43,993 --> 00:20:46,828
No wise man ever wished
to be younger.
494
00:20:46,829 --> 00:20:48,330
Jonathan Swift reference?
495
00:20:48,331 --> 00:20:50,207
I didn't know
you were a Swiftie.
496
00:20:51,834 --> 00:20:55,088
{\an8}I Google all
the old-timey crap you say.
497
00:20:56,172 --> 00:20:59,341
{\an8}It's led to a lot of targeted
ads for reverse mortgages
498
00:20:59,342 --> 00:21:02,470
{\an8}and a device that helps
you put on your socks.
499
00:21:03,471 --> 00:21:05,723
{\an8}I have that.
It's good.
500
00:21:07,100 --> 00:21:09,017
{\an8}I want to be just like you
when I grow up.
501
00:21:09,018 --> 00:21:10,644
{\an8}Uh-huh. Well, I want to be
just like you
502
00:21:10,645 --> 00:21:12,939
{\an8}if I grow down.
503
00:21:14,232 --> 00:21:17,442
{\an8}Oh, you want to see a video
of Tad dancing?
504
00:21:17,443 --> 00:21:20,320
{\an8}Also happens to be a video
of Tad crying.
505
00:21:23,533 --> 00:21:25,325
{\an8}It's funny.
37871
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