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Would you like to inspect the original subtitles? These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated: 1 00:00:02,878 --> 00:00:04,087 Hello. Welcome to night court. 2 00:00:04,088 --> 00:00:05,380 What brings you in tonight? 3 00:00:05,381 --> 00:00:08,425 My husband sold my identity on the dark web. 4 00:00:08,426 --> 00:00:09,926 Wonderful. 5 00:00:09,927 --> 00:00:11,803 Upon exiting, 6 00:00:11,804 --> 00:00:14,139 be sure to stop by our customer satisfaction kiosk 7 00:00:14,140 --> 00:00:15,515 and press the face button 8 00:00:15,516 --> 00:00:17,434 that best represents your experience. 9 00:00:17,435 --> 00:00:19,519 And remember, you're rating us, 10 00:00:19,520 --> 00:00:22,189 not the sketch-bag you married. 11 00:00:23,232 --> 00:00:24,774 Why does the city think we need those? 12 00:00:24,775 --> 00:00:26,526 Are they worried people might take 13 00:00:26,527 --> 00:00:28,946 their public urinations elsewhere? 14 00:00:29,864 --> 00:00:31,197 And only three buttons? 15 00:00:31,198 --> 00:00:33,867 I mean, I get you need happy, sad, 16 00:00:33,868 --> 00:00:35,201 and whatever flat mouth is. 17 00:00:35,202 --> 00:00:38,037 But where's conflicted, inspired, 18 00:00:38,038 --> 00:00:40,415 wistful with a subtle tinge of regret? 19 00:00:40,416 --> 00:00:41,542 Hmm 20 00:00:41,917 --> 00:00:43,168 Here comes our first customer: 21 00:00:43,169 --> 00:00:44,836 The People versus Pandora Findlay. 22 00:00:44,837 --> 00:00:47,756 She is charged with destruction of property. 23 00:00:47,757 --> 00:00:50,759 In her latest stab at TikTok immortality, 24 00:00:50,760 --> 00:00:53,344 Miss Findlay attempted some dirty dancing 25 00:00:53,345 --> 00:00:56,181 in a local Tar-zhay. 26 00:00:56,182 --> 00:00:59,225 But when she tried to lift the mannequin above her head, 27 00:00:59,226 --> 00:01:02,103 she dropped Plastic Swayze onto an old woman 28 00:01:02,104 --> 00:01:05,274 who did not have the time of her life. 29 00:01:05,649 --> 00:01:08,568 That movie is so hot. You come for the Swayze, 30 00:01:08,569 --> 00:01:11,071 but, mm, you stay for the Orbach. 31 00:01:11,363 --> 00:01:13,448 Your honor, this is nothing but a childish indiscretion. 32 00:01:13,449 --> 00:01:18,328 I believe Homer said, "In youth and beauty, wisdom is rare." 33 00:01:18,329 --> 00:01:22,290 Who cares what Bart Simpson's dad said? 34 00:01:22,291 --> 00:01:23,708 This went viral. 35 00:01:23,709 --> 00:01:24,834 You know what? Maybe it's best to let 36 00:01:24,835 --> 00:01:26,753 the lawyer do the lawyering. 37 00:01:26,754 --> 00:01:29,924 You wouldn't make it in jail. They take your phone. 38 00:01:30,382 --> 00:01:32,551 Only if they can find it. 39 00:01:33,385 --> 00:01:36,387 Judge, can I have a lawyer who gets what I'm about? 40 00:01:36,388 --> 00:01:38,306 Oh, yes. 41 00:01:38,307 --> 00:01:40,099 Oh, who could possibly understand the vast uniqueness 42 00:01:40,100 --> 00:01:44,103 that is you, Pandora? Perhaps we should find one 43 00:01:44,104 --> 00:01:46,648 of your wholly original contemporaries named 44 00:01:46,649 --> 00:01:48,775 Paxton or Astrid to advocate for you. 45 00:01:48,776 --> 00:01:51,903 Or maybe you could back off and let me do my job! 46 00:01:51,904 --> 00:01:56,115 I have socks older than you. 47 00:01:56,116 --> 00:01:58,536 Astrid. Can you believe this guy? 48 00:02:01,956 --> 00:02:03,581 Is there a button on there that makes it clear 49 00:02:03,582 --> 00:02:05,167 that those are for Dan? 50 00:02:12,633 --> 00:02:15,343 Hey, Abby Stoners, it's your gavel girl. 51 00:02:15,344 --> 00:02:18,012 Reminding you that a career at night court can be fun, 52 00:02:18,013 --> 00:02:20,724 {\an8}rewarding, and you probably won't get stabbed. 53 00:02:21,934 --> 00:02:23,685 {\an8}Sorry to interrupt your influencing, 54 00:02:23,686 --> 00:02:25,478 {\an8}but I just heard a juicy rumor. 55 00:02:25,479 --> 00:02:27,856 {\an8}Someone here has a crush on Wyatt. 56 00:02:27,857 --> 00:02:30,401 {\an8}Do they know he still calls people "Playa"? 57 00:02:31,110 --> 00:02:33,361 {\an8}Ooh. Let's say who we think it is on three. 58 00:02:33,362 --> 00:02:34,571 {\an8}One, two-- 59 00:02:34,572 --> 00:02:35,822 {\an8}Gail, the new stenographer. 60 00:02:35,823 --> 00:02:37,157 {\an8}...who's super horny. 61 00:02:38,909 --> 00:02:40,243 {\an8}Whenever I ask her to read something back, 62 00:02:40,244 --> 00:02:42,412 {\an8}she always looks at him and does it all breathy. 63 00:02:42,413 --> 00:02:46,208 {\an8} "And that's when the dog... jumped out the window." 64 00:02:47,501 --> 00:02:49,168 {\an8}What up, playa? 65 00:02:49,169 --> 00:02:50,879 {\an8}We doing Gail impressions? 66 00:02:50,880 --> 00:02:55,301 {\an8} "There... was blood... everywhere." 67 00:02:56,385 --> 00:02:59,179 {\an8}That case was weirdly graphic for a parking ticket. 68 00:03:00,139 --> 00:03:01,764 {\an8}Hey Gurgs, you're Chief Bailiff. 69 00:03:01,765 --> 00:03:03,725 {\an8}Can you authorize me to check out a lie detector? 70 00:03:03,726 --> 00:03:05,768 {\an8}Sure, but don't make the mistake I did. 71 00:03:05,769 --> 00:03:08,855 {\an8}Clamps go on the fingers, not the nipples. 72 00:03:08,856 --> 00:03:11,357 {\an8}Okay, so I'll wash the clamps before I... 73 00:03:11,358 --> 00:03:14,987 {\an8}put them on my daughter. 74 00:03:15,821 --> 00:03:17,405 {\an8}Her lying is getting out of control. 75 00:03:17,406 --> 00:03:20,117 {\an8}She's eight, but she lies on a college level. 76 00:03:20,701 --> 00:03:24,246 {\an8}She almost convinced me she was adopted. 77 00:03:24,538 --> 00:03:25,955 {\an8}Hooking her up to a lie detector. 78 00:03:25,956 --> 00:03:27,416 {\an8}Maybe she should be adopted. 79 00:03:27,833 --> 00:03:31,086 {\an8}Oh my God. She got to you, too. 80 00:03:33,422 --> 00:03:36,341 {\an8}Hello, Mr. Fielding! I'm Tad Greevy. 81 00:03:36,342 --> 00:03:38,927 {\an8}I'm head of the city's Satisfaction Initiative. 82 00:03:38,928 --> 00:03:41,721 {\an8}We're the ones behind, uh, these bad boys. 83 00:03:41,722 --> 00:03:43,890 {\an8}I posed for the buttons myself. 84 00:03:43,891 --> 00:03:45,643 {\an8}Does this look familiar? 85 00:03:46,352 --> 00:03:47,811 {\an8}That's yellow! 86 00:03:48,979 --> 00:03:51,147 {\an8}This is disinterested. 87 00:03:52,983 --> 00:03:54,859 {\an8}I'm here investigating a flurry 88 00:03:54,860 --> 00:03:57,362 {\an8}of negative feedback from last night. 89 00:03:57,363 --> 00:03:59,781 {\an8}The frowns were so concentrated, 90 00:03:59,782 --> 00:04:03,034 {\an8}we assumed that one of the kiosks exploded. 91 00:04:03,035 --> 00:04:04,285 {\an8}That's only happened once. 92 00:04:04,286 --> 00:04:05,787 Oh. Yeah. I hope there was 93 00:04:05,788 --> 00:04:07,580 a functional kiosk nearby 94 00:04:07,581 --> 00:04:08,665 so that you could tell how people 95 00:04:08,666 --> 00:04:10,458 felt about the explosion. 96 00:04:10,459 --> 00:04:12,503 You're being sarcastic, but there was. 97 00:04:13,170 --> 00:04:17,132 Anyhoo, your client was not satisfied. 98 00:04:17,549 --> 00:04:19,676 Do you often find it difficult relating to people 99 00:04:19,677 --> 00:04:21,302 who are younger than you? 100 00:04:21,303 --> 00:04:22,553 No. 101 00:04:22,554 --> 00:04:24,347 But I do find it difficult relating to people 102 00:04:24,348 --> 00:04:26,850 who are stupider than me. 103 00:04:27,643 --> 00:04:30,103 Okay, I'm sensing some hostility. 104 00:04:30,104 --> 00:04:33,272 But when one of our more, uh, 105 00:04:33,273 --> 00:04:38,027 seasoned public defenders is called "out of touch"-- 106 00:04:38,028 --> 00:04:41,030 uhh-- we gotta make sure he's up to the job. 107 00:04:41,031 --> 00:04:43,408 - Uh-huh. - You understand that... 108 00:04:43,409 --> 00:04:44,701 right, guy? 109 00:04:44,702 --> 00:04:46,494 Uh. Yeah. 110 00:04:46,495 --> 00:04:48,663 You know what I understand is that Swift was correct 111 00:04:48,664 --> 00:04:50,665 when he said, when a true genius appears 112 00:04:50,666 --> 00:04:54,711 that all the dunces will form a confederacy against him. 113 00:04:54,712 --> 00:04:56,713 Oh, you're a Swiftie? 114 00:04:56,714 --> 00:04:59,924 Jonathan Swift. 115 00:04:59,925 --> 00:05:01,844 Her name is Taylor. 116 00:05:03,512 --> 00:05:05,054 Oh, Wyatt. 117 00:05:05,055 --> 00:05:07,515 I heard a rumor that you're trying to frighten a child. 118 00:05:07,516 --> 00:05:10,310 Just so you know, I'm available. 119 00:05:11,103 --> 00:05:12,353 You're too excited 120 00:05:12,354 --> 00:05:15,482 and therefore not allowed to participate. 121 00:05:15,899 --> 00:05:17,693 Well, I'm gonna do it anyway. 122 00:05:18,610 --> 00:05:21,738 You know that those face buttons actually do something? 123 00:05:21,739 --> 00:05:24,157 Well, because of that TikTok brat last night, 124 00:05:24,158 --> 00:05:26,159 I've got some City Hall stooge complaining 125 00:05:26,160 --> 00:05:27,827 that I can't relate to young people. 126 00:05:27,828 --> 00:05:30,580 You're all young. You relate to me just fine. 127 00:05:30,581 --> 00:05:32,248 - Absolutely. - Heck, yeah. 128 00:05:32,249 --> 00:05:34,792 My man. 129 00:05:34,793 --> 00:05:37,253 Oh, please. You're all lying. 130 00:05:37,254 --> 00:05:39,756 They don't understand half of what comes out of your mouth. 131 00:05:39,757 --> 00:05:40,757 That's not true. 132 00:05:40,758 --> 00:05:41,924 Dan and I are completely in sync. 133 00:05:41,925 --> 00:05:43,342 As long as he doesn't talk Irish poets 134 00:05:43,343 --> 00:05:46,763 or start ranking the Apollo missions. 135 00:05:46,764 --> 00:05:47,847 Excuse me. 136 00:05:47,848 --> 00:05:49,307 If you didn't understand my references, 137 00:05:49,308 --> 00:05:50,850 why not just tell me? 138 00:05:50,851 --> 00:05:52,560 Because it's easier to just nod, squint your eyes, 139 00:05:52,561 --> 00:05:54,187 and pretend you vaguely remember 140 00:05:54,188 --> 00:05:56,440 some obscure jazz man you've never heard of. 141 00:05:57,816 --> 00:05:59,525 But, Dan, we love that you're from the past. 142 00:05:59,526 --> 00:06:01,069 - Ugh! - It's like being friends 143 00:06:01,070 --> 00:06:03,404 with a museum that comes alive at night. 144 00:06:03,405 --> 00:06:05,448 That was a movie, actually three. 145 00:06:05,449 --> 00:06:07,575 Yes, and yet they only managed to make 146 00:06:07,576 --> 00:06:08,868 "On the Waterfront" once. 147 00:06:08,869 --> 00:06:10,453 My man. 148 00:06:10,454 --> 00:06:11,996 That's it! I don't want any more 149 00:06:11,997 --> 00:06:13,831 special treatment just because of my age. 150 00:06:13,832 --> 00:06:17,376 So no more senior discount at the coffee bar? 151 00:06:17,377 --> 00:06:19,045 All right. Fine, fine. 152 00:06:19,046 --> 00:06:20,421 I've never said this in my life, but... 153 00:06:20,422 --> 00:06:22,381 charge me full price! 154 00:06:26,762 --> 00:06:29,222 That wasn't my fault. Nobody push a button. 155 00:06:34,019 --> 00:06:35,937 New crush theory: It's Cathy, the security guard. 156 00:06:35,938 --> 00:06:37,688 Wyatt doesn't need a pat down every time, 157 00:06:37,689 --> 00:06:39,566 you thirsty tramp. 158 00:06:40,859 --> 00:06:42,026 I still think it's... 159 00:06:42,027 --> 00:06:44,238 Gail. 160 00:06:45,280 --> 00:06:46,614 Care to make it interesting? 161 00:06:46,615 --> 00:06:48,241 Okay, If I'm right, you have to be 162 00:06:48,242 --> 00:06:50,368 my tag-team partner in wrestling class, 163 00:06:50,369 --> 00:06:53,372 and I will turn on you, because that's what the crowd wants. 164 00:06:53,664 --> 00:06:54,705 Well, when I'm right, 165 00:06:54,706 --> 00:06:56,249 you have to come with me to trivia night. 166 00:06:56,250 --> 00:07:00,086 And our team name is "ABSolutely GURGSulous." 167 00:07:00,087 --> 00:07:01,838 I hate trivia. Like, I don't know where 168 00:07:01,839 --> 00:07:02,964 Scooby-Doo went to college. 169 00:07:02,965 --> 00:07:05,258 That's none of my business. 170 00:07:05,259 --> 00:07:07,635 You might want to study up on your Scooby, 171 00:07:07,636 --> 00:07:09,137 because when you lose this bet, 172 00:07:09,138 --> 00:07:11,431 you're going to be like, "Ruh-Roh." 173 00:07:15,018 --> 00:07:16,145 Ruh-Roh. 174 00:07:17,437 --> 00:07:18,604 Now that I'm seeing the eight-year-old strapped 175 00:07:18,605 --> 00:07:20,273 to the lie detector, I feel like 176 00:07:20,274 --> 00:07:22,442 I should have pushed back harder on this idea. 177 00:07:22,693 --> 00:07:24,944 I'm just showing my daughter some of the cool equipment here 178 00:07:24,945 --> 00:07:27,406 and how there's no escape from it. 179 00:07:29,491 --> 00:07:30,491 Nice to meet you. 180 00:07:32,411 --> 00:07:35,289 My feelings are hurt, but at least we know the machine works. 181 00:07:36,165 --> 00:07:37,749 We'll be out of your way in a minute. 182 00:07:38,000 --> 00:07:40,501 I'm just gonna ask a few questions. 183 00:07:40,502 --> 00:07:42,254 The lies stop now. 184 00:07:43,255 --> 00:07:44,589 Whoops. 185 00:07:44,590 --> 00:07:46,382 Did you see where I left my pad with my questions? 186 00:07:46,383 --> 00:07:48,593 Probably in the bathroom where you were practicing 187 00:07:48,594 --> 00:07:50,179 your "tough guy" voice. 188 00:07:51,054 --> 00:07:53,557 She's telling the truth. 189 00:07:54,391 --> 00:07:56,518 I'm going to go track down my questions. 190 00:07:57,227 --> 00:08:01,690 Pro tip: If she's complimenting you, you've already lost. 191 00:08:03,233 --> 00:08:06,569 Hey. Watch this! I didn't go through your desk. 192 00:08:08,655 --> 00:08:10,740 We should ask her about the crush. 193 00:08:10,741 --> 00:08:12,742 Are we talking about how someone here 194 00:08:12,743 --> 00:08:13,994 has a crush on my dad? 195 00:08:14,286 --> 00:08:15,786 - You know about that? - Yes. 196 00:08:15,787 --> 00:08:18,331 - And do you know who it is? - Yes. 197 00:08:18,332 --> 00:08:21,376 Would you tell me who it is if I gave you some jellybeans? 198 00:08:22,669 --> 00:08:23,921 Deal. 199 00:08:24,796 --> 00:08:26,005 Hold on. 200 00:08:26,006 --> 00:08:27,674 I'm just waiting for the needle to move. 201 00:08:28,884 --> 00:08:30,344 It's not moving. 202 00:08:30,636 --> 00:08:33,304 Dad said one of his friends from work has a crush on him. 203 00:08:33,305 --> 00:08:34,805 You're the only one he talks about. 204 00:08:34,806 --> 00:08:36,098 So it must be you. 205 00:08:36,099 --> 00:08:37,350 Oh, he don't talk about me? 206 00:08:37,351 --> 00:08:38,726 Right. Could be you. 207 00:08:38,727 --> 00:08:40,102 That's better. 208 00:08:40,103 --> 00:08:41,604 Wait. What? 209 00:08:43,232 --> 00:08:45,734 Uh, black coffee. Full price. 210 00:08:46,693 --> 00:08:50,071 Mobile order for Tad. Oh! Hey, champ. 211 00:08:50,072 --> 00:08:53,158 Ordering with your mouth, I see. That's old school. 212 00:08:53,700 --> 00:08:54,909 Right. You know what? No. 213 00:08:54,910 --> 00:08:56,702 You know what? Check that. 214 00:08:56,703 --> 00:08:58,829 I'm going to have whatever my young friend is having. 215 00:08:58,830 --> 00:09:01,290 Well, you are in for a tasty treat. 216 00:09:01,291 --> 00:09:04,835 This is a peppermint pumpkin latte, Tad style. 217 00:09:04,836 --> 00:09:07,713 One pump of pep. Two pumps of pump. 218 00:09:07,714 --> 00:09:09,216 And don't skimp on the whip. 219 00:09:10,550 --> 00:09:12,093 Tremendous. I love the dueling flavors 220 00:09:12,094 --> 00:09:14,887 of toothpaste and squash. 221 00:09:14,888 --> 00:09:16,890 No, no, no, no. 222 00:09:18,183 --> 00:09:21,478 Who is this distinguished teenager with back problems? 223 00:09:22,062 --> 00:09:25,190 L-O-L, 'cause that's what I say now. 224 00:09:26,650 --> 00:09:28,777 You know what keeps me so young, Dan? 225 00:09:29,194 --> 00:09:31,070 I figured it was a potion 226 00:09:31,071 --> 00:09:33,573 you whipped up with the rest of your coven. 227 00:09:34,741 --> 00:09:37,660 I'm up for anything. 228 00:09:37,661 --> 00:09:39,078 No, I do something new every day. 229 00:09:39,079 --> 00:09:40,705 Well, not every day. 230 00:09:40,706 --> 00:09:43,207 I once lost a whole week when I took a pill 231 00:09:43,208 --> 00:09:45,501 I found in the subway, but-- 232 00:09:45,502 --> 00:09:49,880 damn it, I am gonna live until I die. 233 00:09:49,881 --> 00:09:52,008 I'm up for things. 234 00:09:52,009 --> 00:09:53,884 All right. Go, test me. 235 00:09:53,885 --> 00:09:56,178 Okay, so hypothetically, 236 00:09:56,179 --> 00:09:59,557 if I said let's get out of the city this weekend 237 00:09:59,558 --> 00:10:01,976 and go plum picking. 238 00:10:01,977 --> 00:10:05,604 Fight traffic on my day off to gather a ton of fruit 239 00:10:05,605 --> 00:10:08,734 that I could have easily gotten at the grocery store. 240 00:10:09,860 --> 00:10:11,695 I wouldn't miss it. 241 00:10:12,863 --> 00:10:15,406 If I had a pit bull and asked you to watch him? 242 00:10:15,407 --> 00:10:19,618 And before you answer, know that he has to sleep in your bed. 243 00:10:19,619 --> 00:10:23,205 I could only hope that he would lick my face all night, 244 00:10:23,206 --> 00:10:25,207 because I believe that dogs are capable of love 245 00:10:25,208 --> 00:10:27,836 and wouldn't eat me if things came to that. 246 00:10:28,754 --> 00:10:33,132 There's a music festival tomorrow outside in the park. 247 00:10:33,133 --> 00:10:36,218 I just hope it's really hot. 248 00:10:36,219 --> 00:10:37,720 You know, I forget-- 249 00:10:37,721 --> 00:10:40,639 wh-where-- where do you stand on electronic dance music? 250 00:10:40,640 --> 00:10:45,644 EDM? Oh, it's one of my favorites. 251 00:10:45,645 --> 00:10:47,063 I just hope they play my favorite song: 252 00:10:47,064 --> 00:10:48,647 "Boom, Boom, Wop, Wop." 253 00:10:48,648 --> 00:10:52,026 Ah. You really are up for anything, you know. 254 00:10:52,027 --> 00:10:55,154 And that's good because that last one was real. 255 00:10:55,155 --> 00:10:57,782 So you owe me $170 for the ticket, 256 00:10:57,783 --> 00:11:00,576 and I'll see you tomorrow in Flushing. 257 00:11:00,577 --> 00:11:03,080 Can I just have the pit bull eat my face? 258 00:11:03,955 --> 00:11:05,623 This is crazy. 259 00:11:05,624 --> 00:11:06,999 Wyatt's not even my type. 260 00:11:07,000 --> 00:11:09,752 He doesn't look anything like Jerry Orbach. 261 00:11:09,753 --> 00:11:11,670 I don't have a crush on him either. 262 00:11:11,671 --> 00:11:15,091 I'm taking a break from romance since I dumped the Duke. 263 00:11:15,092 --> 00:11:17,593 Got real messy. Even the royal guard 264 00:11:17,594 --> 00:11:20,222 that brought back my underwear was crying. 265 00:11:20,597 --> 00:11:23,349 I can't believe Wyatt thinks we have a crush on him. 266 00:11:23,350 --> 00:11:25,226 I mean, do other people think that? 267 00:11:25,227 --> 00:11:26,811 Are other people betting on us? 268 00:11:26,812 --> 00:11:29,563 Are we the Gail? 269 00:11:29,564 --> 00:11:31,107 Well, I don't mind judging others, 270 00:11:31,108 --> 00:11:33,025 but I don't like it turned around on me. 271 00:11:33,026 --> 00:11:36,153 How could anyone think I have a crush on Wyatt? 272 00:11:36,154 --> 00:11:38,572 I mean, you I get. You're always complimenting his clothes. 273 00:11:38,573 --> 00:11:39,990 I wear the same thing every day. 274 00:11:39,991 --> 00:11:41,993 I'm jealous of anyone who doesn't. 275 00:11:43,120 --> 00:11:44,036 You never compliment my clothes. 276 00:11:44,037 --> 00:11:45,831 Be serious, Abby. 277 00:11:47,791 --> 00:11:50,292 Besides, you're the one always laughing at his dumb jokes. 278 00:11:50,293 --> 00:11:51,752 That doesn't mean anything. 279 00:11:51,753 --> 00:11:53,879 I laugh at Beaker from the Muppets. 280 00:11:53,880 --> 00:11:55,548 I don't have a crush on him... 281 00:11:55,549 --> 00:11:56,800 anymore. 282 00:11:57,384 --> 00:11:58,717 Okay? It was one sex dream, 283 00:11:58,718 --> 00:12:01,512 but I had a lot of pie before bed. 284 00:12:01,513 --> 00:12:02,471 You know what? 285 00:12:02,472 --> 00:12:04,265 I'm changing my bet to you. 286 00:12:04,266 --> 00:12:06,851 Because your eyes are always on his butt. 287 00:12:06,852 --> 00:12:09,437 I'm down here. I can't help it. 288 00:12:09,438 --> 00:12:12,565 All I see are butts. Butts are my faces! 289 00:12:18,321 --> 00:12:19,822 There he is, my colleague 290 00:12:19,823 --> 00:12:21,532 you claim to have no feelings for. 291 00:12:21,533 --> 00:12:23,200 Double or nothing, you can't help 292 00:12:23,201 --> 00:12:24,910 but compliment his outfit. 293 00:12:24,911 --> 00:12:26,120 We can't double our bet. What are you gonna do? 294 00:12:26,121 --> 00:12:27,913 Run two trivia teams? 295 00:12:27,914 --> 00:12:30,040 I could run as many teams as I have names for, 296 00:12:30,041 --> 00:12:31,793 and I'm up to eight. 297 00:12:32,669 --> 00:12:34,379 - Hey, guys. - I hate your sweater. 298 00:12:35,672 --> 00:12:37,131 It's ugly and dumb and-and I don't find 299 00:12:37,132 --> 00:12:39,718 the pattern bold or surprising. 300 00:12:39,968 --> 00:12:41,051 Should I take it off? 301 00:12:41,052 --> 00:12:42,761 No. We hate your body. 302 00:12:42,762 --> 00:12:44,890 Especially the parts you can bounce quarters off of. 303 00:12:46,641 --> 00:12:48,894 Oh, Julianne brought her dad. 304 00:12:49,895 --> 00:12:51,771 Oh, my God, it's Dan. 305 00:12:53,565 --> 00:12:56,108 Hi, Dan from 20 years in the future. 306 00:12:56,109 --> 00:12:57,736 What are you here to warn us about? 307 00:12:59,112 --> 00:13:00,279 She dragged me to a music festival! 308 00:13:00,280 --> 00:13:01,655 Why are you yelling? 309 00:13:01,656 --> 00:13:03,699 We were a little close to the speakers. 310 00:13:03,700 --> 00:13:04,825 So now he's deaf. 311 00:13:04,826 --> 00:13:06,786 I'm a little deaf! 312 00:13:07,204 --> 00:13:08,913 I slipped on some mud, 313 00:13:08,914 --> 00:13:10,916 inadvertently started a mosh pit. 314 00:13:11,958 --> 00:13:14,126 Oh, yeah. He got moshed real good. 315 00:13:14,127 --> 00:13:16,420 Hence the cane and this lovely ensemble 316 00:13:16,421 --> 00:13:18,881 from the Lost and Found collection. 317 00:13:18,882 --> 00:13:21,134 Found this in the lost and found! 318 00:13:22,677 --> 00:13:26,263 Those punks are lucky that Skrillex intervened when he did! 319 00:13:26,264 --> 00:13:29,518 Or they'd be tripping balls in hell right now! 320 00:13:31,228 --> 00:13:32,811 Hello again, Mr. Fielding. 321 00:13:32,812 --> 00:13:34,063 Oh, who's that? Oh. 322 00:13:34,064 --> 00:13:37,901 Oh, no. He doesn't remember who I am. 323 00:13:38,235 --> 00:13:39,401 He's lucky to have you. 324 00:13:39,402 --> 00:13:41,278 What are you doing here, Tad? 325 00:13:41,279 --> 00:13:43,405 Well, I told my boss about our little gab sesh 326 00:13:43,406 --> 00:13:45,866 and how you were cranky and confused, 327 00:13:45,867 --> 00:13:48,953 and she suggested that I give you a full performance review. 328 00:13:48,954 --> 00:13:51,956 So I'm here to watch the mighty silverback 329 00:13:51,957 --> 00:13:53,457 in his natural habitat. 330 00:13:53,458 --> 00:13:56,001 Is a performance review really necessary? 331 00:13:56,002 --> 00:13:59,129 He's an amazing lawyer who can feel the weather in his bones. 332 00:13:59,130 --> 00:14:01,550 What's younger than that? 333 00:14:02,425 --> 00:14:04,760 A performance review is really no biggie. 334 00:14:04,761 --> 00:14:06,637 It just determines if you keep working 335 00:14:06,638 --> 00:14:08,597 and if you get benefits. 336 00:14:08,598 --> 00:14:12,727 And if you get invited to Tad's big birthday brunch. 337 00:14:13,103 --> 00:14:14,854 There are stairs. 338 00:14:15,689 --> 00:14:16,939 I take it that's the guy you don't want to 339 00:14:16,940 --> 00:14:18,274 seem old in front of? 340 00:14:18,275 --> 00:14:19,358 Yeah, probably not the best time 341 00:14:19,359 --> 00:14:20,734 to look like you're about 342 00:14:20,735 --> 00:14:22,236 to give a fireside chat about polio. 343 00:14:22,237 --> 00:14:24,072 Can we just do our jobs now? 344 00:14:25,574 --> 00:14:27,658 You know, when I was picking you up off the ground, 345 00:14:27,659 --> 00:14:29,076 I found some pills. 346 00:14:29,077 --> 00:14:31,912 You wanna take one and just wake up when this is over? 347 00:14:31,913 --> 00:14:34,039 Thank you. But no, I had enough floor in my mouth 348 00:14:34,040 --> 00:14:35,583 when those kids were dancing on me. 349 00:14:35,584 --> 00:14:37,042 Let's just hope that the next defendant 350 00:14:37,043 --> 00:14:38,586 is someone young 351 00:14:38,587 --> 00:14:40,922 so I can show Tad how good I can relate. 352 00:14:41,172 --> 00:14:43,758 The people versus Winston Cradley. 353 00:14:47,137 --> 00:14:48,512 Dagnabbit! 354 00:14:48,513 --> 00:14:50,849 Uh, I mean FML. 355 00:14:52,142 --> 00:14:54,935 Mr. Bradley threatened children with a rake 356 00:14:54,936 --> 00:14:58,105 after their Frisbee landed on his property. 357 00:14:58,106 --> 00:15:00,399 My client did offer plenty of warnings. 358 00:15:00,400 --> 00:15:02,026 What was the nature of these warnings? 359 00:15:02,027 --> 00:15:04,069 Eh? 360 00:15:04,070 --> 00:15:05,195 What did he say? 361 00:15:05,196 --> 00:15:06,948 Oh, dear. 362 00:15:07,574 --> 00:15:09,074 "Beat it, you young whippersnapper," 363 00:15:09,075 --> 00:15:12,703 "Get a job, hippie," and "Get off my lawn!" 364 00:15:12,704 --> 00:15:15,582 It's like looking in a mirror. 365 00:15:17,083 --> 00:15:19,084 No, it's not. I'm so much younger-- 366 00:15:19,085 --> 00:15:21,962 I like young things. Look [ Laughs ] like this toy. 367 00:15:21,963 --> 00:15:24,132 I like-- Oh. 368 00:15:24,466 --> 00:15:25,966 Wyatt, maybe get that for Dan. 369 00:15:25,967 --> 00:15:28,052 Oh, you'd like him to bend over, wouldn't you, judge? 370 00:15:28,053 --> 00:15:29,845 You getting this, Gail? 371 00:15:29,846 --> 00:15:33,600 No. I can do things, for God's-- Ow! Oh! Jeez. 372 00:15:34,017 --> 00:15:35,977 Been there, Bro. 373 00:15:37,979 --> 00:15:41,982 I want it on record that I met Skrillex today. 374 00:15:41,983 --> 00:15:43,484 Okay. 375 00:15:43,485 --> 00:15:45,402 There's only one logical way to settle 376 00:15:45,403 --> 00:15:47,571 which of us has a crush on Wyatt. 377 00:15:47,572 --> 00:15:49,823 I hope you're ready to wear this 378 00:15:49,824 --> 00:15:53,119 and explain why it's super clever to confused strangers. 379 00:15:53,536 --> 00:15:55,663 Well, I hope you're ready to wear this, 380 00:15:55,664 --> 00:15:59,042 because on our tag team, I'm the face. 381 00:16:00,293 --> 00:16:02,795 All right, let's ask some baseline questions. 382 00:16:02,796 --> 00:16:04,380 Is your name Abby Stone? 383 00:16:04,381 --> 00:16:07,716 Yes. Is your name Donna Gurganous? 384 00:16:07,717 --> 00:16:09,176 No. 385 00:16:09,177 --> 00:16:11,846 But if I told you my real name, it would blow your mind. 386 00:16:12,430 --> 00:16:13,889 All right. Looks like we've got our baseline. 387 00:16:13,890 --> 00:16:17,142 Did you ever have sex with Jake in here? 388 00:16:17,143 --> 00:16:18,977 Um, okay. 389 00:16:18,978 --> 00:16:22,023 Yes, but I work at night, and that's when sex happens. 390 00:16:22,899 --> 00:16:24,483 Okay. We're doing this? 391 00:16:24,484 --> 00:16:26,193 Did you really miss my Friendsgiving 392 00:16:26,194 --> 00:16:27,487 'cause your Aunt Terri was sick? 393 00:16:27,946 --> 00:16:29,613 Yes. She was sick-- 394 00:16:29,614 --> 00:16:31,991 of not being in Atlantic City. 395 00:16:33,076 --> 00:16:35,119 We had odd numbers for charades because of you. 396 00:16:35,120 --> 00:16:36,328 Well, you would have lost anyway. 397 00:16:36,329 --> 00:16:37,746 You always mouth the answers. 398 00:16:37,747 --> 00:16:39,623 No, I don't. 399 00:16:39,624 --> 00:16:41,166 Okay, fine. Well, you know what? 400 00:16:41,167 --> 00:16:42,627 You over-sing at karaoke. 401 00:16:44,212 --> 00:16:45,505 Oh, you do a lot of white rap, and it makes me uncomfortable. 402 00:16:47,048 --> 00:16:48,716 Yeah, well, your choice of deep cuts alienates the crowd. 403 00:16:48,717 --> 00:16:50,384 I'm lying. 404 00:16:50,385 --> 00:16:52,220 The crowd loves it, and I'm jealous. 405 00:16:53,138 --> 00:16:56,223 All right, now let's ask the real question. 406 00:16:56,224 --> 00:16:58,183 Do you have a crush on Wyatt? 407 00:16:58,184 --> 00:17:00,144 No. Do you have a crush on Wyatt? 408 00:17:00,145 --> 00:17:01,854 No. 409 00:17:01,855 --> 00:17:04,231 All right. It's official. Nobody here likes Wyatt. 410 00:17:04,232 --> 00:17:07,944 Oh. Hey, buddy. 411 00:17:08,778 --> 00:17:10,237 Girl, I know you had something to do with this. 412 00:17:10,238 --> 00:17:12,322 I just told them the truth. 413 00:17:12,323 --> 00:17:15,117 You said a friend at work has a crush on you. 414 00:17:15,118 --> 00:17:17,953 Whaaat? 415 00:17:17,954 --> 00:17:19,997 Don't listen to her. Uh, she's a liar. 416 00:17:19,998 --> 00:17:21,623 Okay. Yes. 417 00:17:21,624 --> 00:17:23,500 I totally said someone had a crush on me, but it's not true. 418 00:17:23,501 --> 00:17:25,294 I knew your mom was listening to us on FaceTime, 419 00:17:25,295 --> 00:17:26,378 and I wanted her to be jealous 420 00:17:26,379 --> 00:17:29,340 because I'm a petty man! 421 00:17:29,674 --> 00:17:32,677 Wow, Dad... Wow. 422 00:17:33,011 --> 00:17:35,304 Lying doesn't seem so cool now, does it, Megan? 423 00:17:35,305 --> 00:17:38,516 There's nothing cool about any of this. 424 00:17:39,684 --> 00:17:41,268 Well, I don't care what you guys think. 425 00:17:41,269 --> 00:17:45,356 I know I'm cool. 426 00:17:46,107 --> 00:17:47,775 It's a shame no one won the bet. 427 00:17:47,776 --> 00:17:50,194 I'd make a pretty intimidating tag team partner. 428 00:17:50,195 --> 00:17:52,488 How does it know I'm lying? 429 00:17:52,489 --> 00:17:54,574 I'm not even hooked up to the machine. 430 00:18:00,038 --> 00:18:01,538 Hi, Mr. Fielding, I'm just finishing up 431 00:18:01,539 --> 00:18:03,040 your performance review. 432 00:18:03,041 --> 00:18:04,917 I just gotta dot the i's and cross the t's 433 00:18:04,918 --> 00:18:07,921 and circle your last day on the calendar. 434 00:18:08,338 --> 00:18:09,671 Uh, actually, Tad, we're here 435 00:18:09,672 --> 00:18:12,174 to give you a performance review. 436 00:18:12,175 --> 00:18:14,927 You're young, so please explain this to me. 437 00:18:14,928 --> 00:18:17,471 With all of humanity's greatest art and culture 438 00:18:17,472 --> 00:18:19,014 at your fingertips, 439 00:18:19,015 --> 00:18:21,642 why do you spend so much time watching this? 440 00:18:21,643 --> 00:18:25,103 I believe it's called "Dancing Grannies." 441 00:18:25,104 --> 00:18:29,025 Oh, yeah. I love those vids. So funny. 442 00:18:29,651 --> 00:18:31,443 Is it all dancing you find funny? 443 00:18:31,444 --> 00:18:34,404 Because we looked through your likes and 444 00:18:34,405 --> 00:18:36,031 it's mostly grannies. 445 00:18:36,032 --> 00:18:38,325 And it's not just grannies dancing, 446 00:18:38,326 --> 00:18:40,369 it's grannies falling down 447 00:18:40,370 --> 00:18:43,580 and some grannies being scared by Halloween decorations 448 00:18:43,581 --> 00:18:45,834 that turn out to be people. 449 00:18:46,876 --> 00:18:48,253 I think you might be ageist. 450 00:18:48,837 --> 00:18:50,337 No, I'm not ageist. 451 00:18:50,338 --> 00:18:52,464 I just think it's funny when you people dance. 452 00:18:52,465 --> 00:18:54,258 You people? 453 00:18:54,259 --> 00:18:56,385 Okay, that was a slip. 454 00:18:56,386 --> 00:18:58,762 But I-I-I love the elderly. 455 00:18:58,763 --> 00:19:01,807 I'm the grandson of two memaws and a pop-pop. 456 00:19:01,808 --> 00:19:05,727 So you can't be ageist because you have old friends. 457 00:19:05,728 --> 00:19:09,147 Tad, Tad, Tad. 458 00:19:09,148 --> 00:19:11,608 When I hear things like that, I don't feel-- 459 00:19:11,609 --> 00:19:14,194 Oh, Julianne, what's the word? 460 00:19:14,195 --> 00:19:16,196 Satisfied? 461 00:19:16,197 --> 00:19:17,906 No, don't do anything crazy. 462 00:19:17,907 --> 00:19:19,324 I've never been red button-ed before. 463 00:19:19,325 --> 00:19:21,577 Those frowns go straight to the mayor. 464 00:19:21,578 --> 00:19:23,328 Okay. Wait. Just listen up. 465 00:19:23,329 --> 00:19:24,872 My generation went to the moon. 466 00:19:24,873 --> 00:19:27,124 We invented the computer and the cell phone. 467 00:19:27,125 --> 00:19:30,252 We were the Beatles and David Foster Wallace and 468 00:19:30,253 --> 00:19:33,714 Margaret Atwood and Viagra and the hula hoop. 469 00:19:33,715 --> 00:19:37,259 And I have earned the right to identify with you 470 00:19:37,260 --> 00:19:39,804 as little as I want. 471 00:19:40,763 --> 00:19:42,764 Forget the review. You can have your job. 472 00:19:42,765 --> 00:19:44,893 Just keep me green. I'll do whatever you want. 473 00:19:45,143 --> 00:19:47,395 We want you to dance, Tad. 474 00:19:51,190 --> 00:19:52,900 Thank you for doing this, Julianne. 475 00:19:52,901 --> 00:19:55,068 You know me. I'm up for anything. 476 00:19:55,069 --> 00:19:57,029 Also, I took one of those pills I found, 477 00:19:57,030 --> 00:19:59,282 so you might have to carry me home. 478 00:20:00,325 --> 00:20:04,996 Tad, that's not dancing. Don't skip the whip. 479 00:20:05,538 --> 00:20:07,331 You guys are so mean. 480 00:20:07,332 --> 00:20:09,584 I wish you were my Peloton instructor. 481 00:20:11,753 --> 00:20:13,128 I'm a good rapper. 482 00:20:13,129 --> 00:20:15,505 Damn it! 483 00:20:17,008 --> 00:20:18,467 Good news. Tad had a change of heart. 484 00:20:18,468 --> 00:20:22,096 Seems like I'm qualified to keep my job as a free lawyer. 485 00:20:23,014 --> 00:20:24,723 Why did you let that guy get to you? 486 00:20:24,724 --> 00:20:26,058 You never care what people think. 487 00:20:26,059 --> 00:20:28,393 No, I didn't care what Tad thinks. 488 00:20:28,394 --> 00:20:29,770 Care what you think. 489 00:20:29,771 --> 00:20:31,647 Hearing that you guys are just humoring me, 490 00:20:31,648 --> 00:20:33,273 that you think of me as the old man, 491 00:20:33,274 --> 00:20:36,027 that hurt a little. 492 00:20:36,402 --> 00:20:39,197 You don't know what it's like, but you will. 493 00:20:43,993 --> 00:20:46,828 No wise man ever wished to be younger. 494 00:20:46,829 --> 00:20:48,330 Jonathan Swift reference? 495 00:20:48,331 --> 00:20:50,207 I didn't know you were a Swiftie. 496 00:20:51,834 --> 00:20:55,088 {\an8}I Google all the old-timey crap you say. 497 00:20:56,172 --> 00:20:59,341 {\an8}It's led to a lot of targeted ads for reverse mortgages 498 00:20:59,342 --> 00:21:02,470 {\an8}and a device that helps you put on your socks. 499 00:21:03,471 --> 00:21:05,723 {\an8}I have that. It's good. 500 00:21:07,100 --> 00:21:09,017 {\an8}I want to be just like you when I grow up. 501 00:21:09,018 --> 00:21:10,644 {\an8}Uh-huh. Well, I want to be just like you 502 00:21:10,645 --> 00:21:12,939 {\an8}if I grow down. 503 00:21:14,232 --> 00:21:17,442 {\an8}Oh, you want to see a video of Tad dancing? 504 00:21:17,443 --> 00:21:20,320 {\an8}Also happens to be a video of Tad crying. 505 00:21:23,533 --> 00:21:25,325 {\an8}It's funny. 37871

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