Original subtitles

-Must be a glitch in the system.

We got thrown a bunch of extra cases.

-No, I asked for those on purpose.

Now that Jake and I are over, I thought I'd turn my attention

back to my first love.

-Lance Bass?

-Okay, second love -- Lady Justice.

She'd never tell me bye bye bye.

-Well, we can say bye bye bye to ever getting out of here.

Flobert, bring in the rest of the files!

[ Vehicle backup alert beeping ]

-Oh, oh.

Sorry, that was my phone ringing.

I have to take this.

Hello. To continue in English, press one.

Para continuar en Espanol, oprima dos.

-Okay, let's start our never-ending night.

The People versus Alex White and Penny Kristoff.

They are charged with trespassing while skydiving.

-Your Honor, Ms. Kristoff has decided to defend herself,

so technically, Mr. White is my client.

Could you guys "veh-veh-veh"?

-These two are charged with trespassing

when they landed on Gracie Mansion

after a mid-air breakup took them wildly off-course.

-Maybe don't use the "B" word in front of you-know-who?

-I prefer the term kicked to the curb.

Nope, love vomited.

She got love vomited.

-Guys, I'm fine. This is nothing like my breakup.

Jake would never jump out of a plane.

Coward.

Proceed.

-My client proposed while skydiving

and was rejected.

-After we jumped, my life flashed before my eyes,

and he wasn't in it.

-Is it because you met someone else?

Is it that guy strapped to your back?

-Your Honor, this relationship was doomed from the jump.

And I beg you to remain impartial,

even considering your recent...love vomiting.

-$50 fine. Let's take a five.

And thank you for your concern, Mr. Fielding,

but no one needs to worry about me.

I am Jake'ing just fine.

Doing just Jake.

I be good.

-Well, I guess we don't have to worry about her.

She seems to be handling things all right.

[ Abby screams ]

-See? I told you. Totally fine.

-She's single.

[ Knock on door ]

-Hey! I found you more extra work.

They need a substitute judge in...Buffalo.

-Court or wing-eating contest?

Please say both.

-Before you drive north to a place that's somehow the south,

have you considered a rebound?

You know, do something crazy with someone dangerous.

You know they're bad for you,

mm, but the attention feels so good.

-Did somebody order a me?

-You got me an escort?

I don't have the resources to "Pretty Woman" this guy.

-No! This is my friend Sam. We met at the gym.

He's a personal trainer who somehow drives a Maserati.

Oh, he is an escort.

-Thanks, Sam, but I think I'm going to stick

with throwing myself into work.

That is a nice car, so I'm sure you're very good at what you do.

-I also own a boat.

-Bye, Sam.

How is my girl holding up?

-Your girl?

I don't think we've ever made eye contact.

Unless you count that time in the bathroom

when our eyes met through the crack in the stall door.

-What can I say? I-I feel a connection to you.

I too know the cruel sting of rejection.

From what losers have told me.

You'll get through this, but you can't do it alone.

-Please say you're not inviting me to an orgy.

-I am.

An orgy of empowerment. No, it's a support group,

a community of women who -- who are like-minded

and who boost each other up.

-How strict are you on the whole "woman" part?

Because I recently realized my friend group is mostly gigolos.

-Wyatt, you know, this is only for women

who are at a particularly low point in their lives.

But as we like to say, every moment is low

if tomorrow is higher.

-My brain doesn't get it, but, ooh, my heart does.

-There's gonna be a lot more of that at tonight's meeting.

Now, all you need to bring is an open mind.

And me. Uh, I would take an Uber,

but the drivers keep falling in love with me.

-So you said no to a rebound with Sam,

who has abs on his back.

But you might go to a women's group led by an ex-con?

-You said I needed to do something crazy

with someone dangerous.

What's crazier than going to a second location with Julianne?

-Whoa, Dan, nice bag.

You look like a fashionable teen from Japan.

-Security confiscated my briefcase, gave me this.

Now everybody's gonna know I have Toblerone.

-Better than this hunk of junk.

-Hey, what are you -- That's my briefcase.

-Oh, they gave it to me downstairs to hold my knives.

-Hold your --

What is it with the security in this building?

Sometimes it's like Fort Knox.

Sometimes it's just a sign. "Frisk yourself."

-That sign's creating a lot of problems.

It's a mess down there ever since the Chief Bailiff quit.

-You should have that job.

I mean, you're the most qualified bailiff here.

You keep me in line, and I am a real wild card.

-A raise would be nice.

I'm wildly underpaid for the amount of naked people I tackle.

-Gurgs, go for it. There's a power vacuum.

Seize it! Ah, ah, together,

you and I shall rule this courthouse.

And we will drown our enemies

in a storm of fire and blood.

Sorry. I've been watching that dragon show on HBO.

Pretty sexy.

-They'll probably hire some fancy-ass college kid

who knows what to say in an interview.

-If you're worried about the interview, I can help you.

-Oh, me, too. No one has landed more jobs than I have.

I've been a lawyer, a clerk, and of course, a judge,

both here and for children's beauty pageants.

I have crushed dreams.

But honestly, a lot of little girls cannot dance.

-You know, if Flobert can get a million jobs, I can get one.

Let's do it. -Yes.

-Oh, perfect! Yes!

You shall be Gurgs, mother of bailiffs.

I shall be Dan, skipper of security lines,

keeper of the briefcase.

I think that sexy dragon show has broken my brain.

-Oh.

-And he just dumped you?

I want to murder him. I've only known you 20 minutes,

and I can't imagine ever letting you out of my sight.

-Thank you. It is so nice to hear some positive words

in between the non-stop Adele I've been blasting.

-Well, look at you. The belle of the ball.

-Julianne, you were so right.

This is just what I needed. These women are incredible.

And this cave-aged cheese is next level.

If I found food in a cave, I would never eat it.

Shows what I know.

-Get ready, because the best is yet to come.

[ Whistles shrilly ]

Oh, ladies, it is so nice to have you all here tonight

sharing in our collective flame.

Now, as you know, we have a very special guest tonight.

One who we are all very excited about.

She's gorgeous, she smells amazing,

and she lasts longer than 40 hours.

-I don't know where she gets her information,

but that last part is way off.

-Say hello to our newest... candle,

Peaches and Clean.

You know, these are guaranteed to move,

so you grab your inventory and get out there and sell

like your membership to this group depends on it,

because it does.

-Wait, you tricked me. This isn't a self-help group.

It's a pyramid scheme.

-Oh, it's both. More cheese?

-This is not what I signed up for. I'm so mad.

And not because I'm just now realizing the peaches

I've been smelling all night are not a delicious cobbler!

-So our resident ex-con is involved in a pyramid scheme.

Make sense. It's shady, but not illegal.

Like bringing a fork-and-knife meal to the movies.

-It's just so annoying, because before the candle stuff,

I was having a great time.

Those ladies made me feel so good about myself,

like a flattering dressing room mirror,

but sometimes that mirror sends you home

with a bag of mesh shirts.

-Wait, so you know the group is wrong for you,

but it felt so right.

Don't you see what this is? -Yeah, it's a problem.

Julianne won't let me in unless I sell candles,

which I don't want to do.

-No, it's a rebound.

A non-sexual rebound, which is missing the whole point.

-It's not a rebound.

It's just a fun, new relationship

that gives me emotional validation

during a vulnerable period

and -- okay, fine, it's a rebound.

-Maybe it's good Julianne won't let you back in,

because when it comes to rebounds,

you never go back for seconds.

I don't care if it's a hot guy with a Maserati

or 20 ladies in capri pants hopped up on Pinot "Greej."

-You don't know what you're talking about.

It was white Zinfandel, and they were wearing all kinds of pants.

-Okay, Gurgs, what is the number one mistake

people make on job interviews?

-Complimenting a picture of the interview guy

with his daughter, but it turns out to be his wife.

-It's talking.

Silence is the most powerful weapon in your arsenal.

You must become one with the quiet.

Now, watch. Ask me an interview question.

-Okay. Why do you think you would make a good Chief Bailiff?

-Because I possess the skills and the experience

that make me the perfect candidate.

-Is that it? You didn't really say anything.

But you do seem very confident.

Okay. You're hired. [ Laughs ] Here's my wallet.

Oh, my God! It worked!

-Ready to learn tricks that will land you the job of your dreams?

Rule number one -- enter with a flourish.

Rule number two -- Be disarmingly casual.

Mahalo, boss lady.

You hiring or just vibing?

-Murray, please, please, please. I was just about to teach Gurgs

the three most important listening sounds.

Mm. Hmm.

[ Gasps ] Uh-huh.

-Ugh. Rule number three --

say all your ideas into a tape recorder.

[ Clears throat ] Urinals for women on the go.

"Her-inals." [ Chuckling ]

Horrible idea, right? Doesn't matter.

Shows my brain is always working.

-I'm not sure your brain is working.

Anybody can have horrible --

Diapers for cats. Hats for water bottles.

-Whoa, whoa, whoa! Dan, Dan, save it for the recorder.

-So now I'm confused.

Should I be constantly talking or not saying anything at all?

-I think I can answer that question.

-Damn, he makes a good point.

-I know I've been sharing a lot of wisdom with you lately,

but it's not reflecting in your sales.

Excuse me for a moment while you wallow in your failure.

-Hey, ladies. I'm so sorry I had to run the other night.

I don't want you to think I was one of those women

that uses you for snacks and then never calls again.

-You smell so nice. What is that scent?

-Oh, it's just the very latest from Paris.

It's called, um,

[French accent] "Multi-purpose Cleaner by Lee-sol."

-And she speaks French? Uh, marry us.

[ Laughter ] -What are you doing here,

and why do you smell like a bathroom?

This meeting is for earners only.

-Come on, Julianne, just because I'm not selling candles

doesn't make me any less deserving

of the collective flame.

-Careful. You use candle metaphors,

you might get burned.

-Abby has a point. The theme of last week's meeting was,

"We all deserve the light." Was that a lie?

'Cause if it was, then this tattoo is a lie.

-Okay, ladies.

No, no need to start thinking for ourselves.

A word? -Is that word "Welcome"?

Look, can't you just make one exception? I need this group.

I mean, you know I'm going through a hard time.

-Oh, because of your breakup? Oh, please.

Kelly is a top three earner,

and her husband's been missing for months.

-Fine. Put me down for 10 candles.

-The minimum is a thousand.

-Deal. You belong in jail.

-One for you.

One for me.

-Hey, Wyatt.

-No, you're stealing paper!

-Can I interest you in a candle called Carnival Breeze?

It smells like popcorn and wet hay.

-So not only did you get back with your rebound,

you're paying its way through DJ school.

You realize best case scenario is they become DJs.

-You know what goes great

with the smug satisfaction of being right?

One from our solo holiday collection.

It's called Bold and Alone.

-Abby, we need to talk to you.

-I'll leave you to your clump of women.

-The ladies and I have been talking,

and we think you should be running the group

instead of Julianne. -Oh, I am so flattered.

But you're with Julianne, and I can't be the other woman.

I wear full-bottom underwear.

-Things with Julianne haven't been great for a while.

We're just going through the motions.

-Okay, but we have to break it to her lightly.

She can't know we're going behind her back like this.

-Yeah, if Julianne finds out, she'll be furious.

-Yeah, good call, Julianne. Julianne!

I didn't do anything. They came on to me.

-You know what? Take them.

It's all sexy when it's new.

But just wait until the compliments stop.

And then you're eating cheese with a bunch of women

who can't shut up about their missing husbands.

-Oh, they actually found a body --

-Not the time, Kelly.

Good luck.

-Wait. Is she still in there?

-Yeah. What's with the gifts?

This is a job interview, not a tap recital.

-Oh. This is bad. She should have been out by now.

-Uh-huh. You know what?

You can blame your asinine guidance.

It had no overarching theme.

It's like a fusion restaurant.

Do one thing. Do it well.

-Oh, please.

Silence is a powerful weapon?

Spoken like someone who's never been in a rap battle.

Oh, you're doing the no-talking thing.

Well, it's not going to work on me.

As if I were so weak-minded

that a little silence could bring me to my knees.

Speak to me, Dan!

Can you not hear me?

Am I a ghost?

Oh, my God. I can't see myself in that mirror!

-It's a wall!

-Will the two of you stop yelling?

-Okay, I'm sorry, but the man only responds

to chocolate and screams.

-Listen. I need the two of you to take a breath,

turn, and walk away. Because if you don't,

I will reach into your mouths and pull out your skeletons.

Do you understand?

-You know what? If she took a break during the interview

to come out here and yell at us, that must be a good sign, right?

-Oh, yeah. -It's not!

-Yeah. -Yeah, I'm going to go this way.

-This is so nice. Now without the pyramid,

we can just focus on supporting each other.

Who has a problem they need help with?

-Where to begin? I've got a DUI, a UTI,

and I'm trying to get into DIY,

but I have a lifetime ban from Michaels.

-Okay, big share.

I thought we'd start with, "Has anyone tried keto?"

-Oh, and look at all of you,

connecting without complicated power dynamics.

-We're just one big, happy -- -Murder club.

-What? No, I was gonna say family.

-Oh, you can murder your family.

-But you shouldn't, Kelly.

I'm gonna go on record saying you shouldn't.

-You know, Abby, I was wrong. I thought I was helping

by giving these women a goal they could focus on,

but clearly, they don't need it,

because now they can focus all that energy on you.

-So cool. Excuse me.

Um, so, when you say energy,

are we talking drum bunny or '70s mom on diet pills?

-[ Chuckles ] Oh, you'll see.

Now, if you'll excuse me, I got to see a man about a boat.

-I just realized, where's the cheese?

-Oh, well, it was kind of a last minute thing, so I didn't --

-Julianne always brought the cheese.

Hmm. I'm changing my problem from UTIs

to, "You forgot the cheese."

-[ Chanting ] Cave-aged cheese. Cave-aged cheese!

Cave-aged cheese! -Why are you chanting?

I'm standing right here! -Cave-aged cheese!

Cave-aged cheese!

-You better work it, girl,

or I'll find a younger bottle who will.

-Idea for Murray -- Get professional help.

-Everybody, be on your best behavior.

Oh, the Chief Bailiff is here.

And it's me! -Oh!

Gurgs!

Congratulations, Gurgs.

I take it you dazzled them with silence.

-Get real, Fielding. She idea'ed them into submission.

-Actually, he was so impressed

by the way I handled two problematic individuals

yelling in the hallway that he offered me the job.

Thank you very much. -Mm-hmm.

-Flourish.

-Okay, now, your first official act as Chief Bailiff

is to buy me a coffee.

-How was the weekend, Judge?

-I didn't have a weekend. These women

are the most problematic relationship I've ever been in.

I'm everyone's emergency contact,

and they're all getting elective surgeries.

-I told you to keep the rebound light

and run while it's still fun.

-You definitely didn't say that. I would have remembered.

It rhymes.

-As I see it, there are two ways out of this.

-I'm not setting any apartments on fire.

-There is one way out of this.

You have to dump them. -No. I just got dumped.

I can't turn around and dump 12 people.

-Well, then you're going to have to get them to dump you.

-Okay, I'll do it.

I spend a lot of time on the Staten Island ferries,

so I know how to be a douche you want to dump.

[ Knock on door ]

Sup?

-Where have you been?

You haven't answered any of our texts.

We've been worried sick about you.

-Oh, babe, babe, you're at a 10.

I'm gonna need you at a 3.

-You already ate? But we have all these snacks.

-So eat then. You don't need my permission.

God.

-Abby, what is going on with you?

Did you even remember that it's our 48-hour anniversary?

-[ Mumbling ] "Our 48-hour anniversary?"

That's you. [ Knock on door ]

Babe, door. While you're up, get me a beer.

-Julianne, what are you doing here?

-I'm not here to interrupt anything.

I just came to pick up my fondue set.

-Yo, yo, zip it. The football players

are about to do a touchdown.

-I think we made a mistake.

We were looking for a spark with somebody new.

But what we had with you was a reliable, low-burning fire.

-Mm, sorry. I got out of the candle game.

They're too heavy.

But I started a new venture.

Scrunchies for mature women. They're called Brunchies.

-Oh, my God. I feel like my hair is drinking a mimosa.

-I know. And as luck would have it,

there's a truck-full outside that needs unloading.

Remember, ladies. Lift with your legs.

-Thank you.

-Well, you did help me rebound

after my 3- to 6-month relationship with prison, so...

-So we're even? -Oh, not even close.

[ Door shuts ] -[ Sighs ]

Wait, this isn't my apartment.