Original subtitles

-The defendant is a jilted lover charged

with destruction of property for branding her former partner

with a scarlet letter.

-I'm sorry. Branding?

I think a couple of painted shirts was not only warranted,

but also a classy literary reference.

-According to the defendant,

this is not based on any literary work.

The "A" is for "asshat."

-Regardless, there is nothing innocent about this man,

which this witness will attest to.

This is the TaskRabbit that he hired to dump my client.

-That's right. We do all kinds of odd jobs.

Last week, I dressed up like a ghost to scare a mean old man.

-Time served.

And the next time you have to deliver bad news,

do it like a normal coward -- fake your own death.

Five-minute recess.

I'm sorry, sir,

models for the Nike shoot are down the hall.

-Just wanted to say hi before I head to my pickup game.

-Hi.

-Jake. I didn't know you ball.

That seems kind of risky in those ultra-low tops.

-Well, they're primarily to accommodate my bunions.

I'm in the middle of a blister cycle --

-Say no more.

Please.

-So, what'd you get me?

Our six-month anniversary?

The traditional gift is Tupperware.

-Oh, I'm so sorry. I totally blew it. Stupid!

And I was just at a Tupperware store.

-Just kidding.

People don't celebrate six months of anything.

Unless your doctor only gave you five.

-Well, I didn't know.

This is the longest relationship I've ever been in.

[ Chuckles ]

-Look at me laying tracks on fresh powder.

Anyway, have fun tonight. -Okay.

-Does anyone else think it's weird that...

-He's never been in a relationship

more than six months? Hell, yeah.

-Weirdo. -Big red flag.

-Run.

-Great. So we're all on the same page, then.

**

I'm probably overthinking this-six month thing.

Maybe Jake is just unlucky in love.

-Or maybe something really freaky comes out at six months,

like he wants to make a suit out of your skin.

Or worse -- he's a Disney adult.

-No, I think I would know if Jake was a secret freak.

-What was that? -What was what?

-Call Meryl Streep, Wyatt, because that was Doubt.

-Okay, maybe there's a little bit of doubt,

but that's just because things started out so great.

I met his mom at three weeks.

I stopped pretending to like his guitar playing at five.

And now it feels like we hit a wall.

We haven't even said "I love you."

-Probably 'cause it's weird to say "I love you"

to someone you're gonna make into a suit.

-Jake is definitely hiding something.

His sneakers? Those are not

bunion-accommodating basketball shoes.

These are bunion-accommodating basketball shoes.

-So -- So what are you saying? That he's lying to me

about playing basketball every Thursday?

-I'll put it like this.

My ex-wife took a French cooking class for a year.

Ask me how many quiches I had.

None, Abby. None quiches.

-There's only one way to know for sure.

We tail him and do a stakeout. No --

-A Jake-out. Yeah, we all got there.

I'm not gonna spy on my boy..."Friends"

was a good show.

Monica was the neat one.

-I just popped in to grab a water for the game.

-Oh. Hey. Uh, what if I came by tonight

and watched you hoop it up? -No!

I mean, you can't. They keep spectators out

because there are some pretty big celebrities who play.

-Really? Like who?

-Uh, Ariana Grande

and Everybody Loves Raymond.

Fun fact -- on the court, not everybody loves him.

Anyway, see you later.

-Okay, fine! We'll go on the Jake-out.

-Well, how do you like that, Dan?

Nine wins in a row.

-An entire baseball team being convicted of indecent exposure

is one win, not nine.

-I know it's a long shot, but do you know

where I could get binoculars this time of night?

-Opera or stalking?

-It's not stalking.

I'm just covertly following my lying boyfriend

to see what he's up to.

-So stalking, then.

Try the evidence locker. A lot of peeping toms this week.

It's the weather.

-Ooh! I don't miss those days.

Suspicious of every boyfriend,

eavesdropping on calls,

taking little cat naps on the branch outside their window.

-Yeah, I can't relate, mostly because I'm not insane.

But also I'm a very good judge of character.

-Oh, really?

Because you did ask me out

while I was actively planning your destruction.

Although, in your defense, uh,

you were blinded because of your attraction to me,

and you probably still are.

-Oh, Julianne, this is so exciting.

I've never used this phrase before.

-Hmm? -As if.

-Oh, really? So you have no feelings for me whatsoever?

Even if I stroked your arm...

...and looked into your eyes

and listened while you explained

how the Brooklyn Bridge was built?

You wouldn't feel anything?

-Oh, Julianne,

you're gonna have to do a lot better than that.

Unlike the Brooklyn Bridge,

[New York accent] you ain't that hard to get over.

**

-You know, when I agreed to do a stakeout,

I didn't realize that we'd be in a car the color of the sun

with a license plate that says "GURGS."

-Don't worry. We know what we're doing.

He's getting out of his car! Get down!

-Oh, he's getting something out of the trunk.

Oh, it's a duffle bag.

-See? The story checks out.

He's parked outside a gym with a bag full of basketballs.

-Those aren't basketballs.

And as the returning champion of an unaired game show

called "What's In That Bag," I would know.

-You're crazy. -Sorry, Abby.

I gotta know... What's! In! That! Bag!

-Gurgs, get back here.

Oh, no. I'm not here. I'm not seeing this.

-Uh, no one's seeing anything.

I think Gurgs just dropped a smoke bomb for cover.

-What?!

What did you do?! You -- You took his bag?

-I was in and out. Burn rubber, Wyatt!

-I'm in the back seat. -Oh. [ Chuckles ]

These goggles don't work. I can't see.

[ Tires screech ]

-I think we may have figured out

why Jake can't hold on to a girlfriend.

-I'm gonna say it.

-Okay, there has to be an explanation

for why Jake has this doll. -There is.

You're not getting it done in the bedroom.

-We don't know it's that kind of doll.

Maybe he uses it as a companion.

-So he's in the friend zone with a sex doll?

[ Knock on door ]

-Abs? It's Jake.

Why is the door locked?

-Here I come. Um...

I was just, uh, fighting off a dog!

-Woof-woof! -[ High-pitched ] Yip, yip!

-I said adog, not two dogs.

Just get rid of it!

-Wh-- Are you all right?

It sounded like you were fighting off two dogs.

-Oh, yeah. It's okay. Wyatt threw them out the window

when he could have easily just put them in the closet!

Have a good hoop sesh, babe? -No, I was robbed.

Someone smoked-bombed me and took my bag.

[ All gasping ]

-Do you have any idea who did it

or how yellow their car was?

-Come on, Gurgs, we should go down to the alley

and check on our friend.

-She's no friend of mine.

She's sleeping with my friend's boyfriend.

-So sorry about your bag,

but the main thing is you're okay.

-Yeah. I-I'm fine.

Actually, no, I'm not fine.

And I'm tired of lying to you.

Someone important to me was in that bag,

someone I should have told you about a long time ago.

-Oh, oh, you don't need to.

I'm sure I'll learn about her eventually,

at which point I'd either be ready to get weird

or just tag out and come back for cuddles.

-The truth is, I don't play basketball every week.

I'm...

a cheerleader.

I was on my way to cheer tonight

when my training dummy got stolen.

I use her to practice lifts and throws.

-[ Laughs ] Of course! It was a training dummy

you use to practice lifts and throws.

What else would you do with a life-sized rubber woman?

-You're really not freaked out?

Because the cheerleading thing has been

a dealbreaker for other women.

-Well, those women clearly didn't consider

the more perverted alternatives.

-I am just so happy this is finally out in the open.

Ah, yes! Ah! Ah!

-So Jake's a male cheerleader?

Yeah, that explains why he needs a pretend lady in a duffel bag.

-No, he uses her for lifts and throws.

-Abby, I have two kids.

You don't have to tell me how sex works.

-This would have been nice to know

before you stole his doll and lost it.

-Lost it? Doris is missing?

-She has a name? -Yes, it's Doris,

and we're all fine with it.

-Well, Doris was gone when we got to the alley.

I don't know what you were thinking

when you threw her out the window.

Y-You really panicked.

-Well, we have to find her, or else Jake won't be able

to train for the second-biggest adult-cheerleading competition

in Central Florida.

-Man, can't anybody be a good, old-fashioned sicko anymore?

-What? -[ Chuckles ]

Your sexy dress.

What is this, another move in your little seduction game?

You thought you'd just throw that on and I'd be all,

"Awoooga! Awooga!"?

Grow up.

-It's just a dress.

But it's pretty telling that you called it sexy.

-It is objectively wanton. Gurgs.

How would you describe her dress?

-I don't know. Black?

-If I am a little more dressed up tonight,

it's because I am seeing my boyfriend.

-Oh, your boyfriend! Yes.

Who I'm hearing about for the very first time right now.

Just admit what you're doing.

You don't have to go make up fake --

-Julianna! -Oh!

-I know I've arrived too soon.

But I couldn't wait to see you.

-Mm. -Ah.

-Ew. Eh?

-Oh, this is my boyfriend, Rodrigo.

And then this is my coworker, uh, uh...

Dan. That's right.

-Oh, yes, the sad, lonely man who still has amorfor you.

-Mm. -I can set you up with my sister.

She's unwanted, but she has many extra teeth.

-All right, look, I don't have to be set up

with no shark-mouth sister, okay?

Hey, I've got a girlfriend.

Matter of fact, she's coming here tonight.

-My sister will be disappointed,

but this is nothing new to her.

She's cursed.

-Well, we're having dinner in the cafeteria.

Why don't you come by and say hello?

Otherwise, someone might think you made your girlfriend up.

-Pretty sexy dress for court, huh?

-Where were you five minutes ago?

-Okay! We're strong. We're tough.

We'll stab your team in the gut.

We're mean. We're rough.

We'll pull your spine out your butt!

-Ah! Thank you so much for helping me train for Tampa.

-Sure, it was a lucky break

that I fit into all of Doris's clothes.

You always had her wear clothes, right?

-Okay, so what do you think? Should we do the full routine?

-In the words of Doris...

-Let's do this.

-* Na-na-na-na-ah-ah*

* Get on the floor*

* Everybody go feel that beat*

* Give me more*

* Move that body and stomp those feet*

* Show me what you got, sing it out, ah-la-la-la*

* Clap one, two, three*

* Come on and stomp all those feet*

* Na-na-na-na-ah-ah*

* Stomp those feet*

* Na-na-na-na-ah-ah*

* Stomp those feet*

-Hey! -Hey!

-Ah! -Ah! That was amazing.

-Oh, so much better than the doll.

Your bones and organs really add to the experience.

-Oh. I'm blushing.

Oh, because of my real blood!

-This might be the happiest I've ever been.

Abby, I love you.

-I love you, too.

[ Tense music plays ]

**

-Marge, listen, I'm hiring you under the table

because I suspect this is not a rabbit-sanctioned task, okay?

I need you to pretend to be my girlfriend.

Nothing untoward. Just a quick hello,

prove you're real, and then leave.

-It's your 45 minutes.

-You don't even have to be funny, and yet you are.

-Oh, hi, Julianne.

I like to introduce you to Marge.

As you can see, you're on a date with your boyfriend,

and I'm on a date with my girlfriend.

So if this...was a contest, we'd be even.

-Uh, aren't you the TaskRabbit from our case?

-Oh, yes. Yes. Well, nothing wrong with that.

The Obamas met at work, too.

-Why don't you two join us for dinner?

-Oh, no, no, no, no, we wouldn't want to --

-Great. I am starving.

FYI, I can't chew my food because of a gum condition,

so I swallow things whole like a snake.

-[ Snorts ] Whatever my princess wants.

**

-We found her in FAO Schwarz lying on the Tom Hanks piano.

-She was facedown on a G-flat like...

* Bong *

So I guess we'll just drop her off at the gym,

and Jake and start training with her again.

-Orhere's another idea.

We don't.

Ever since Doris has been gone,

things have been going really good with me and Jake.

He's not holding back anymore.

-So what are you saying? [ Gasps ]

You want us to send Doris to the big duffel bag in the sky?

-No, but just hang on to her for a few days.

Clean her up. Maybe give her a bath.

-I don't want to give her a bath.

What if we connect? I can't afford that right now.

-You guys, just help me out here.

He told me he loves me.

-You know, this makes sense.

It's called transference.

Jake came to emotionally rely on the doll,

and now that it's gone,

he's transferred all those feelings to you.

-Exactly. -Not exactly!

I was being sarcastic. That's insane!

-So let me be insane!

Love makes you do crazy things.

-No, youmake us do crazy things.

Come on, Wyatt, let's take the big fake lady down to the morgue

for a makeover because loveasked us to.

**

-So, anyway, I said, "Oh, you must be a model."

And you said, "No, I am one of the foremost

pediatric heart surgeons in the country.

That's why I'm in so many magazines."

-[ Chuckles ]

-I am. Always in a stethoscope.

No shirt. -Mm.

-You know it's a good story when it's not funny or interesting.

-But enough about us.

I-I'm just fascinated with your relationship.

I mean, this connection just feels so real.

You have to tell me, what's your secret?

-Oh, want to know what I like about Marge?

She has such a gentle soul.

-Roach!

When you go to Hell, tell 'em Marge sent ya!

-She's so spiritual.

-I'm very happy for you.

[ Cellphone chimes ]

-Oh, gotta motor.

Just got pinged for another task.

-Uh, well, all right. Goodbye, my hardworking duchess.

Oh, no kiss!

Once we start...

-Hey, it says my task is here.

Does anybody know a Julianne?

-That's me. -What a coincidence.

-Two tasks -- tell me if this relationship is real,

and I need you to hang a flatscreen.

-No, it's not real.

And let me get my back brace.

-Zero stars, Marge! Zero stars!

-I think we're ready to practice outside.

After all, if you're coming to Tampa,

you gotta get used to falling on concrete.

-Are you serious? You want me to come to Tampa?

I feel like my heart is doing a switch-kick

double-twist basket right now.

-I'm just so glad I don't have to hide anything

from you anymore. [ Elevator bell dings ]

-I'm sorry, ma'am, is this your floor?

-So you've been lying to me this whole time?

-Yes, but keep in mind that when I thought she was a sex doll,

I could have run screaming,

but instead, I took good care of her.

And the guys at the morgue gave her a top-to-toe makeover.

-I don't know what to say. I'm really hurt.

It feels like you've ripped my heart out my butt.

-I know I was wrong, but in my defense,

you weren't totally honest with me.

-But when I told you everything,

you had so many chances to come clean, and you didn't.

Now I just don't know how to trust you.

-I think I know what's going on.

You're pulling away because we said "I love you,"

and that feels scary.

-No, I'm pulling away because you and your friends stole

my $4,000 doll and threw her out a window.

-$4,000? Really?

For that, you should be having sex with her.

-I'm sorry, I just -- I can't do this.

-Wait, wait. Are you breaking up with me?

-Yeah, I am. -Jake, this wasn't that bad.

-Did you give her a boob job?

-No!

The guys at the morgue did.

**

-I forgot my coat.

-Where's Rodrigo?

-Oh, he, uh, got paged. He's a pediatric --

-Oh, my God! You mentioned.

-So, hiring a mashed-potato monster to be your girlfriend.

At least get a high-end escort. This is New York City.

-The prices are astronomical.

And when you throw in the tip? Ugh! Mnh-mnh.

I gotta say, I thought your date was fake, also.

Dr. Rodrigo? I mean, that sounds more like a guy

who would separate you from your evil twin on a telenovela.

-Well, I hope that now you can see that I wasn't playing games.

Rodrigo and I have something very real.

Did I mention that he smells like gourmet tapenade?

-Funny. He's not the kind of guy I pictured you with.

-Oh, really? [ Snorts ]

And who did you picture with?

-I don't know. I figured you'd go for somebody

with a little more edge, someone who challenged you,

someone who got under your skin.

You're saying that if someone like that came along,

that you would not feel... anything?

-Nice try, Dan. -Ha! Ha!

I almost had you.

-Yeah, yeah, yeah. -All right. See you tomorrow.

Destroy you in court. -Ah, you, too.

-What the hell, lady?

No tip?

Just because we didn't make love doesn't mean

you didn't use my body.

-Ugh. All right, fine.

I'll give you an extra $20 if you unzip me.

Ugh. This thing is so tight that I'm pretty sure

one of my ribs punctured my lung.

-Your zipper has more teeth than my sister.

-Come on! Isn't taking clothes off what you do for a living?

-All right, so I guess we're even after all.

Good night, Jake. Good night, Abby.

Child: It's funny.