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1
00:00:04,671 --> 00:00:06,139
**
2
00:00:06,172 --> 00:00:08,308
-So the restaurant
is fully booked?
3
00:00:08,341 --> 00:00:09,843
-Oh! Say you're Steve Martin!
4
00:00:09,876 --> 00:00:11,311
-What if I said...
5
00:00:11,344 --> 00:00:14,180
[Nerdy voice]
...I'm Steve Martin?
6
00:00:14,214 --> 00:00:15,548
[Normal voice] Hello?
7
00:00:15,582 --> 00:00:17,283
[ Groans ]
8
00:00:17,317 --> 00:00:19,419
It's impossible to get a weekend
dinner reservation in this city.
9
00:00:19,452 --> 00:00:22,689
I can't keep asking my dates
to come with a full stomach.
10
00:00:22,722 --> 00:00:25,558
It -- It's creepy as hell.
11
00:00:26,493 --> 00:00:30,296
-I finally got into that NYU
study for extreme sleepwalking.
12
00:00:30,330 --> 00:00:32,165
All it took
was security footage of me
13
00:00:32,198 --> 00:00:34,668
in pajamas
driving that city bus.
14
00:00:34,701 --> 00:00:37,337
-So what about you, Judge?
Any fun weekend plans?
15
00:00:37,370 --> 00:00:39,339
-You know she doesn't.
She's just gonna lie
16
00:00:39,372 --> 00:00:42,308
and give us the plot
to a '90s movie.
17
00:00:42,342 --> 00:00:43,810
-So you knewI wasn't coaching
18
00:00:43,843 --> 00:00:46,479
a Jamaican bobsled team
last weekend?
19
00:00:47,614 --> 00:00:49,683
Alright, look.
Jake's out of town,
20
00:00:49,716 --> 00:00:51,618
so my life's been
kind of boring lately,
21
00:00:51,651 --> 00:00:54,788
but next weekend,
I am driving across country
22
00:00:54,821 --> 00:00:56,222
in my blue convertible
23
00:00:56,256 --> 00:00:58,892
with my best friend Thelma
and...
24
00:00:58,925 --> 00:01:00,593
Whatever! Just call court!
25
00:01:00,627 --> 00:01:03,463
-First up,
the People vs. Jane Doe.
26
00:01:03,496 --> 00:01:06,232
-A living Jane Doe.
How refreshing.
27
00:01:06,266 --> 00:01:07,801
-When the defendant
was arrested,
28
00:01:07,834 --> 00:01:09,536
she refused to give her name
29
00:01:09,569 --> 00:01:13,373
and threw her wallet into
the water of a hot-dog cart.
30
00:01:13,406 --> 00:01:15,442
-Please take off
your hat and glasses.
31
00:01:15,475 --> 00:01:19,245
I only allow anonymity in my
courtroom during Secret Santa.
32
00:01:24,250 --> 00:01:27,187
You're Mayim Bialik!
33
00:01:27,220 --> 00:01:30,256
TV's Blossom
is in our courtroom!
34
00:01:30,290 --> 00:01:32,225
-Can we not make
a big deal out of it?
35
00:01:32,258 --> 00:01:33,927
I put my pants on
one leg at a time
36
00:01:33,960 --> 00:01:35,428
just like any other five-time
37
00:01:35,462 --> 00:01:38,331
Emmy-nominated actress
with a PhD.
38
00:01:38,365 --> 00:01:40,433
-You don't understand.
When I was a kid,
39
00:01:40,467 --> 00:01:42,769
I would pretend that I was
best friends with Blossom.
40
00:01:42,802 --> 00:01:46,306
I could do your entire dance
from the opening credits.
41
00:01:47,407 --> 00:01:49,309
Is this like
that "Blossom" episode
42
00:01:49,342 --> 00:01:51,378
where a stolen item
turned up at a garage sale
43
00:01:51,411 --> 00:01:52,946
that you and Six were hosting?
44
00:01:52,979 --> 00:01:54,714
-I physically assaulted a guy.
45
00:01:54,748 --> 00:01:57,751
-Dr. Bialik was dining
in a vegan restaurant
46
00:01:57,784 --> 00:02:00,286
when she attacked the chef
with a tofurken,
47
00:02:00,320 --> 00:02:03,523
which is like a turducken,
but for no one.
48
00:02:04,724 --> 00:02:06,526
-Your Honor, the restaurant
claims to be vegan,
49
00:02:06,559 --> 00:02:08,361
so can you imagine
my client's outrage
50
00:02:08,395 --> 00:02:10,830
when she discovered
the secret menu item,
51
00:02:10,864 --> 00:02:15,301
which was a bacon sandwich
where the bread is steaks?
52
00:02:16,436 --> 00:02:17,937
-Okay.
I-I think I've heard enough.
53
00:02:17,971 --> 00:02:19,472
Um, not guilty.
54
00:02:19,506 --> 00:02:22,575
And I fine the restaurant
$10 million.
55
00:02:23,309 --> 00:02:24,944
-It's a vegan restaurant!
56
00:02:24,978 --> 00:02:27,547
They don't have
that kind of money.
57
00:02:27,580 --> 00:02:29,616
-You're right.
I can't be fair.
58
00:02:29,649 --> 00:02:32,752
But good luck finding a judge
who isn'ta huge "Blossom" fan!
59
00:02:32,786 --> 00:02:39,759
**
60
00:02:39,793 --> 00:02:41,961
-I can't believe
I totally embarrassed myself
61
00:02:41,995 --> 00:02:43,363
in front of Mayim Bialik.
62
00:02:43,396 --> 00:02:44,698
Younger me is so pissed
right now,
63
00:02:44,731 --> 00:02:47,367
she's going through
another goth phase.
64
00:02:47,400 --> 00:02:49,669
-Who cares
what an actor thinks?
65
00:02:49,703 --> 00:02:51,271
Though I guess
if we had paid more attention
66
00:02:51,304 --> 00:02:52,572
to John Wilkes Booth,
67
00:02:52,605 --> 00:02:54,774
things might have
shaken out differently.
68
00:02:55,875 --> 00:02:57,610
-Oh. She's still here.
69
00:02:57,644 --> 00:02:59,879
You think I should talk to her
and try to redeem myself?
70
00:02:59,913 --> 00:03:01,548
-Oh, Abby, yeah.
71
00:03:01,581 --> 00:03:04,250
I -- And I mean this
from the bottom of my heart.
72
00:03:04,284 --> 00:03:05,785
I don't care.
73
00:03:06,653 --> 00:03:08,455
-I just don't want to
sound like some stalker.
74
00:03:08,488 --> 00:03:10,557
-You can't pull off stalker.
75
00:03:10,590 --> 00:03:14,494
I could totally buy you
as lonely Victorian ghost.
76
00:03:15,295 --> 00:03:16,963
-Okay.
I'm gonna introduce myself.
77
00:03:16,996 --> 00:03:19,499
Gonna play it supes cool.
78
00:03:21,334 --> 00:03:25,705
-50 bucks says she passes out
before they make eye contact.
79
00:03:25,739 --> 00:03:27,440
-I don't bet on friends.
80
00:03:27,474 --> 00:03:29,042
Told you I could take
the moral high ground.
81
00:03:29,075 --> 00:03:30,844
Pay up, Sandy.
82
00:03:32,412 --> 00:03:34,447
-Hi, Abby. My name is Mayim.
83
00:03:34,481 --> 00:03:36,383
I mean, your name is Abby.
84
00:03:36,416 --> 00:03:39,486
I mean, I'm Ab-im. No.
No one's Ab-im. Apologies.
85
00:03:39,519 --> 00:03:41,454
-I'm sorry. A-Are you okay?
Do you need help?
86
00:03:41,488 --> 00:03:44,024
I'm a doctor, but not that kind.
87
00:03:44,057 --> 00:03:45,825
-I was just trying
to say hello,
88
00:03:45,859 --> 00:03:48,762
but I'll stop bothering you now.
-You know what? Please don't.
89
00:03:48,795 --> 00:03:50,363
Everyone assumes
when you're famous,
90
00:03:50,397 --> 00:03:51,631
you've got tons going on.
91
00:03:51,664 --> 00:03:53,833
but honestly
my life's pretty boring.
92
00:03:53,867 --> 00:03:57,704
I've stretched out
my skincare routine to 17 steps.
93
00:03:57,737 --> 00:03:59,039
-Mine's at 18!
94
00:03:59,072 --> 00:04:00,607
You know,
sometimes I play a game
95
00:04:00,640 --> 00:04:02,409
where I take a melatonin and see
96
00:04:02,442 --> 00:04:04,544
how many I can get through
before I pass out.
97
00:04:04,577 --> 00:04:07,514
-I play the same game!
-Ohh!
98
00:04:07,547 --> 00:04:09,382
Okay. I'm just
gonna shoot my shot.
99
00:04:09,416 --> 00:04:11,384
Is there any chance
you'd want --
100
00:04:11,418 --> 00:04:13,053
-Do the "Blossom"
opening credits dance with you?
101
00:04:13,086 --> 00:04:16,322
Do you have any idea how many
people ask me to do that?
102
00:04:16,356 --> 00:04:18,391
Zero. I'd love to.
103
00:04:18,425 --> 00:04:19,659
-Amazing!
104
00:04:19,693 --> 00:04:22,896
Um, Siri, play
my wedding processional.
105
00:04:22,929 --> 00:04:25,532
[ "Blossom" theme plays ]
106
00:04:25,565 --> 00:04:29,536
-* Stop all your fussin',
slap on a smile *
107
00:04:29,569 --> 00:04:33,673
* Come out and walk in the sun
for a while *
108
00:04:36,576 --> 00:04:40,447
-Huh. So dancing
canbe nonsexual.
109
00:04:41,748 --> 00:04:43,650
-I can't believe
I danced with Blossom!
110
00:04:43,683 --> 00:04:45,885
-You know, I've actually done a
lot of things besides "Blossom."
111
00:04:45,919 --> 00:04:48,054
"Call Me Kat."
"The Big Bang Theory."
112
00:04:48,088 --> 00:04:49,923
-Huh. You were in that?
113
00:04:50,924 --> 00:04:53,893
I only remember the girl
with the high voice.
114
00:04:53,927 --> 00:04:55,729
She was great.
115
00:04:58,898 --> 00:05:00,700
-Well, that's it!
116
00:05:00,734 --> 00:05:04,404
Society is officially
crumbling!
117
00:05:04,437 --> 00:05:06,373
Time to fill your bathtubs
with water
118
00:05:06,406 --> 00:05:08,742
and melt all your fillings.
119
00:05:08,775 --> 00:05:11,111
-Did someone see
a dog in a sweater?
120
00:05:11,144 --> 00:05:12,879
-Oh! No! Worse than that.
121
00:05:12,912 --> 00:05:15,515
I'm running for the elevator
because the doors are closing.
122
00:05:15,548 --> 00:05:17,684
I yell at the dude inside,
"Hold it!"
123
00:05:17,717 --> 00:05:21,621
He does nothing.
What happened to civility?
124
00:05:21,654 --> 00:05:22,956
You know,
what happened to the days
125
00:05:22,989 --> 00:05:24,591
of three-martini lunches
126
00:05:24,624 --> 00:05:28,762
and - and gentlemen
with big ideas like...war?
127
00:05:30,163 --> 00:05:31,998
-You're not wrong.
Ever try to get
128
00:05:32,032 --> 00:05:34,000
the new Travis Scott Nikes?
129
00:05:34,034 --> 00:05:35,068
Hm?
130
00:05:35,101 --> 00:05:37,037
Forgot who I was talking to.
131
00:05:37,904 --> 00:05:39,873
But that's the world.
What can you do?
132
00:05:39,906 --> 00:05:41,675
-Oh, no. I'm gonna do
something, you know.
133
00:05:41,708 --> 00:05:43,810
Because as those doors
were closing, I reached in
134
00:05:43,843 --> 00:05:46,713
to try and stop them,
grabbed this.
135
00:05:46,746 --> 00:05:49,716
When I find the owner
of this pocket square,
136
00:05:49,749 --> 00:05:53,620
there will be...a reckoning.
137
00:05:53,653 --> 00:05:55,055
-This gets a reckoning,
138
00:05:55,088 --> 00:05:57,957
but when someone pants'ed me
in court, nothing?
139
00:05:58,792 --> 00:06:01,895
-Guess who just had the most
fun weekend of their life.
140
00:06:01,928 --> 00:06:05,031
-It wasn't me. I couldn't
get a dinner reservation,
141
00:06:05,065 --> 00:06:06,866
so I put a chef's hat on my mom
142
00:06:06,900 --> 00:06:09,569
and pretended
her apartment was a pop-up.
143
00:06:09,602 --> 00:06:11,137
But then word got out
and I couldn't get
144
00:06:11,171 --> 00:06:13,773
a reservation there, either.
145
00:06:13,807 --> 00:06:15,775
-It was me.
I had the fun weekend.
146
00:06:15,809 --> 00:06:17,544
-Oh.
Did you finally start
147
00:06:17,577 --> 00:06:20,013
that "Little House on
the Prairie" OnlyFans?
148
00:06:21,081 --> 00:06:23,683
-Mayim and I hung out,
and we had the best time.
149
00:06:23,717 --> 00:06:25,852
We went shopping.
We prank-called Joey Lawrence.
150
00:06:25,885 --> 00:06:27,554
She snuck me
into a Mensa meeting.
151
00:06:27,587 --> 00:06:29,723
I got to wear glasses.
152
00:06:30,623 --> 00:06:33,660
-We have different ideas
of what makes a fun weekend.
153
00:06:34,494 --> 00:06:37,197
-So you and your new
celebrity friend
154
00:06:37,230 --> 00:06:38,732
spent the whole weekend
together?
155
00:06:38,765 --> 00:06:40,133
-Yeah, and some of this morning.
156
00:06:40,166 --> 00:06:41,601
She was at my apartment
when I woke up.
157
00:06:41,634 --> 00:06:43,937
-Ah.
-She came by with a gift.
158
00:06:43,970 --> 00:06:45,705
-Oh.
159
00:06:45,739 --> 00:06:49,642
It's a picture of you --
fast asleep.
160
00:06:49,676 --> 00:06:51,578
Taken without your knowledge.
161
00:06:52,112 --> 00:06:55,048
Oh, this doesn't raise
any red flags, does it?
162
00:06:56,216 --> 00:06:58,251
-She brought me a gift
and wants to be around me?
163
00:06:58,284 --> 00:06:59,786
No. It's flattering.
164
00:06:59,819 --> 00:07:01,588
I mean, if she's obsessed
with me at all,
165
00:07:01,621 --> 00:07:03,690
it's in a totally normal
and healthy way.
166
00:07:03,723 --> 00:07:05,191
[ Electricity crackles ]
167
00:07:05,225 --> 00:07:07,027
-Hey! Just a reminder!
168
00:07:07,060 --> 00:07:10,663
Even in the dark,
we can hear your zippers!
169
00:07:11,564 --> 00:07:13,066
-Abby?! Are you okay?!
170
00:07:13,099 --> 00:07:14,868
-This feels healthy.
171
00:07:15,902 --> 00:07:17,570
-Mayim.
What are you doing here?
172
00:07:17,604 --> 00:07:19,005
-Well, I was just
in the neighborhood,
173
00:07:19,039 --> 00:07:20,573
and it's a good thing I was
'cause it looks like
174
00:07:20,607 --> 00:07:22,776
my best friend needs a lantern!
175
00:07:22,809 --> 00:07:24,711
And on the bright side,
now you can't work,
176
00:07:24,744 --> 00:07:27,647
so there's nothing
to keep us apart.
177
00:07:31,284 --> 00:07:34,220
-Great. It's like a snow day.
178
00:07:34,254 --> 00:07:36,623
Except everyone is scared.
179
00:07:36,656 --> 00:07:38,858
-Hey. Where's your hat?
180
00:07:49,302 --> 00:07:51,705
[ Knock on door ]
181
00:07:51,738 --> 00:07:53,106
-You wanted to talk?
182
00:07:53,139 --> 00:07:55,909
Is this about
my not wearing a bra to work?
183
00:07:55,942 --> 00:07:59,713
Because I have a doctor's note
saying that I don't need one.
184
00:07:59,746 --> 00:08:01,548
-I actually just wanted
to circle back
185
00:08:01,581 --> 00:08:03,049
on the stuff
you were saying about Mayim.
186
00:08:03,083 --> 00:08:06,152
-Oh, you mean the fact
that she's a textbook stalker?
187
00:08:06,186 --> 00:08:08,088
-Well, I wouldn't go that far.
188
00:08:08,121 --> 00:08:09,789
Yeah, she's a little clingy,
189
00:08:09,823 --> 00:08:11,758
and I'm pretty sure she chewed
through a power line
190
00:08:11,791 --> 00:08:13,059
and blamed it
on a family of rats,
191
00:08:13,093 --> 00:08:15,995
but "stalker"
makes her sound crazy.
192
00:08:16,029 --> 00:08:19,933
-The question is,
what typeof stalker? Hmm.
193
00:08:19,966 --> 00:08:21,634
Does she want you
all to herself,
194
00:08:21,668 --> 00:08:23,203
like in "Fatal Attraction"?
195
00:08:23,236 --> 00:08:26,172
Is it a "Single White Female"
where she wants to be you?
196
00:08:26,206 --> 00:08:28,808
Or is it the Julianne Special
197
00:08:28,842 --> 00:08:31,111
where she just wants
your whole life destroyed
198
00:08:31,144 --> 00:08:33,646
while looking fabulous doing it?
199
00:08:34,948 --> 00:08:36,883
-I think we just need to have
a conversation about boundaries.
200
00:08:36,916 --> 00:08:38,651
I mean,
how is shesupposed to know
201
00:08:38,685 --> 00:08:40,120
I don't want her
digging through my trash?
202
00:08:40,153 --> 00:08:42,222
She's not a mind-reader.
203
00:08:42,255 --> 00:08:44,691
-Let me talk to Mayim.
204
00:08:44,724 --> 00:08:46,192
Now, I have a little free time
205
00:08:46,226 --> 00:08:50,697
since the oligarch I'm dating
was poisoned -- again.
206
00:08:50,730 --> 00:08:52,232
But, you know, the good news is,
207
00:08:52,265 --> 00:08:54,868
if she isa stalker,
you really don't have to worry
208
00:08:54,901 --> 00:08:57,937
until she infiltrates
your social circle.
209
00:08:59,139 --> 00:09:00,874
[ All laughing ]
210
00:09:00,907 --> 00:09:03,977
-We are so excited to welcome
you into our social circle.
211
00:09:04,010 --> 00:09:06,746
-Well, I am so excited
to bewelcomed.
212
00:09:06,780 --> 00:09:09,349
And I'm really sorry
about your sleep issues.
213
00:09:09,382 --> 00:09:11,785
I'm a neuroscientist,
so I can get you
214
00:09:11,818 --> 00:09:13,620
into the sleep study
all the celebrities use.
215
00:09:13,653 --> 00:09:14,888
-That would be incredible.
216
00:09:14,921 --> 00:09:16,189
I can't keep
waking up in Delaware.
217
00:09:16,222 --> 00:09:17,957
-Ohh!
218
00:09:17,991 --> 00:09:20,960
And, Wyatt, if you ever need
to impress a date, let me know.
219
00:09:20,994 --> 00:09:23,029
I'm a neuroscientist,
so I can get you
220
00:09:23,063 --> 00:09:25,298
into all the best restaurants
under the city.
221
00:09:25,331 --> 00:09:26,733
-Don't you mean inthe city?
222
00:09:26,766 --> 00:09:27,834
-[Whispers] No.
223
00:09:27,867 --> 00:09:31,004
-[ Gasps ] What...
224
00:09:31,037 --> 00:09:32,806
That's so nice!
225
00:09:32,839 --> 00:09:34,407
And if there's anything
we can do for you...
226
00:09:34,441 --> 00:09:37,177
-Well, actually, I'd love to
pick your brains about Abby.
227
00:09:37,210 --> 00:09:39,112
You know, small stuff
like favorite foods,
228
00:09:39,145 --> 00:09:42,682
allergies,
reaction time when startled.
229
00:09:42,716 --> 00:09:45,352
-Are you throwing her
a surprise party?
230
00:09:45,385 --> 00:09:47,153
-Sure.
231
00:09:47,187 --> 00:09:49,189
So just put all those tidbits
in a list.
232
00:09:49,222 --> 00:09:51,424
And if there's anything she's
touched, that would be great
233
00:09:51,458 --> 00:09:53,360
'cause I could use
her fingerprints.
234
00:09:53,393 --> 00:09:55,829
Uh, for the party!
235
00:09:56,896 --> 00:10:00,700
-I just need security footage
from one elevator.
236
00:10:00,734 --> 00:10:03,970
Well, if you don't have
access to it, who does?
237
00:10:04,004 --> 00:10:06,806
What do you mean
"the highest bidder"?
238
00:10:08,041 --> 00:10:09,776
-That's a beautiful
pocket square.
239
00:10:09,809 --> 00:10:12,212
-Oh, yeah, it belongs
to a Grade-A jackass
240
00:10:12,245 --> 00:10:14,748
who doesn't hold elevators.
241
00:10:14,781 --> 00:10:16,449
-When the small niceties
crumble,
242
00:10:16,483 --> 00:10:18,351
is society so far behind?
243
00:10:18,385 --> 00:10:20,720
-That's exactlywhat I said!
244
00:10:20,754 --> 00:10:22,956
But he remains at large,
looking ridiculous
245
00:10:22,989 --> 00:10:27,193
without a --
without a single pop of color.
246
00:10:27,227 --> 00:10:29,029
-Well, maybe I can help.
247
00:10:29,062 --> 00:10:30,930
You know, as a neuroscientist,
248
00:10:30,964 --> 00:10:33,400
I studied the effects
of sewing on the brain.
249
00:10:33,433 --> 00:10:38,838
This was clearly stitched
by a man in his early 80s,
250
00:10:38,872 --> 00:10:40,340
French-Canadian.
251
00:10:40,373 --> 00:10:43,043
Straddling two worlds
but belonging in neither.
252
00:10:43,076 --> 00:10:45,812
-Wait a minute. That describes
only one haberdasher
253
00:10:45,845 --> 00:10:47,180
in New York --
Jacques Bernard!
254
00:10:47,213 --> 00:10:49,983
But he's never gonna
reveal his client list.
255
00:10:50,016 --> 00:10:52,819
-Well, he would
if we had his granddaughter.
256
00:10:54,421 --> 00:10:56,956
Just hypothetically.
257
00:10:57,857 --> 00:11:01,728
I-I'll get us some coffee.
We'll find his weakness.
258
00:11:01,761 --> 00:11:04,464
-And maybe a Danish?
259
00:11:04,497 --> 00:11:06,166
-Two coffees, please.
260
00:11:06,199 --> 00:11:08,201
-Hello, Mayim.
261
00:11:08,234 --> 00:11:11,004
Interesting to see you spending
so much time in a place
262
00:11:11,037 --> 00:11:13,873
that's basically
an indoor bus stop.
263
00:11:13,907 --> 00:11:15,809
You must really care about Abby.
264
00:11:15,842 --> 00:11:18,011
-Well, who wouldn't?
She's a special person.
265
00:11:18,044 --> 00:11:20,146
-Alright. Spare me, stalker.
266
00:11:20,180 --> 00:11:24,184
I know that you are nuttier
than a bag of trail mix.
267
00:11:24,217 --> 00:11:27,320
-Uh, Julianne,
you have me all wrong.
268
00:11:27,354 --> 00:11:30,824
I'm not a stalker.
I'm just a regular gal.
269
00:11:30,857 --> 00:11:34,427
Where would I even find
a woman-sized birdcage?
270
00:11:35,261 --> 00:11:38,231
It would take the type of money
that only a regular cast member
271
00:11:38,264 --> 00:11:40,867
on several genre-defining
sitcoms could afford.
272
00:11:40,900 --> 00:11:43,003
Am I right, girlfriend?
273
00:11:48,308 --> 00:11:49,943
-Hey, Dan.
Have you seen Julianne?
274
00:11:49,976 --> 00:11:51,978
I haven't been able
to reach her.
275
00:11:52,012 --> 00:11:53,913
-Have you tried a step stool?
276
00:11:53,947 --> 00:11:56,082
-Good news, Dan!
I got the lab results and --
277
00:11:56,116 --> 00:11:58,451
Oh. Hi, Abby.
-Mayim. You're here.
278
00:11:58,485 --> 00:12:01,254
Right in the bull's-eye
of my social circle.
279
00:12:01,287 --> 00:12:02,922
-She's using science
to help me track down
280
00:12:02,956 --> 00:12:04,457
the owner
of the pocket square.
281
00:12:04,491 --> 00:12:07,994
Probably better than my method,
just screaming at strangers.
282
00:12:08,028 --> 00:12:10,096
-I analyzed the fabric
and found traces
283
00:12:10,130 --> 00:12:12,065
of egg, sausage,
and horseradish.
284
00:12:12,098 --> 00:12:15,001
-Horseradish. That is the
sandwich at the cafeteria!
285
00:12:15,035 --> 00:12:16,302
They use the horseradish
286
00:12:16,336 --> 00:12:19,005
to mask the taste
of the salmonella!
287
00:12:19,039 --> 00:12:21,041
You know what?
I'm gonna call the local E.R.
288
00:12:21,074 --> 00:12:23,209
See who they've admitted today.
289
00:12:24,210 --> 00:12:26,980
-[ Chuckles ]
That Dan is really something.
290
00:12:27,013 --> 00:12:28,948
I know all you see
is a gruff curmudgeon,
291
00:12:28,982 --> 00:12:30,483
but give him a chance.
292
00:12:30,517 --> 00:12:32,218
He'll really surprise you.
293
00:12:32,252 --> 00:12:34,020
-Hey!
I'm always surprised by Dan!
294
00:12:34,054 --> 00:12:36,022
If I was one of those goats
that fainted
295
00:12:36,056 --> 00:12:39,059
whenever they were surprised,
I'd never be awake!
296
00:12:39,092 --> 00:12:42,262
-Whoa, whoa, whoa. I know
what you're worried about.
297
00:12:42,295 --> 00:12:43,496
-You do?
298
00:12:43,530 --> 00:12:45,398
-You're not gonna lose me.
299
00:12:46,232 --> 00:12:50,003
In fact, let's find brothers
and marry them right now.
300
00:12:51,404 --> 00:12:54,007
-I would, but I -- I really
need to find Julianne.
301
00:12:54,040 --> 00:12:57,544
-Julianne? Tall woman, slim,
not a neuroscientist?
302
00:12:57,577 --> 00:13:00,280
She mentioned something about
wanting to take some time off
303
00:13:00,313 --> 00:13:02,982
and not wanting anyone
to bother her.
304
00:13:03,016 --> 00:13:06,419
If I were you,
I'd never think about her again.
305
00:13:11,424 --> 00:13:13,126
-There's something
I need to tell you guys.
306
00:13:13,159 --> 00:13:15,595
It's gonna sound crazy.
Just hear me out.
307
00:13:15,628 --> 00:13:18,164
I think
Mayim kidnapped Julianne.
308
00:13:18,198 --> 00:13:20,266
-My Mayim?
-She's myMayim.
309
00:13:20,300 --> 00:13:22,969
-What? She's not your Mayim
or yourMayim.
310
00:13:23,003 --> 00:13:25,005
She's my Mayim,
and she's only talking to you
311
00:13:25,038 --> 00:13:26,306
to get closer to me!
312
00:13:26,339 --> 00:13:28,441
-Someoneis
full of themselves.
313
00:13:28,475 --> 00:13:30,910
-Judge, should we
be worried about you?
314
00:13:30,944 --> 00:13:34,014
Are you chewing nicotine gum
instead of regular gum again?
315
00:13:34,047 --> 00:13:37,150
Because you know
that gives you the zoomies.
316
00:13:37,183 --> 00:13:39,252
-Nicotine gum. Remember
to add that to Mayim's list
317
00:13:39,285 --> 00:13:42,222
under "Frequent Blunders."
-What list?
318
00:13:42,255 --> 00:13:44,524
-Well, it was supposed
to be a surprise,
319
00:13:44,557 --> 00:13:46,359
but she has a list of things
she wants to know about you.
320
00:13:46,393 --> 00:13:49,029
-That's right. The woman
you accused of being insane
321
00:13:49,062 --> 00:13:50,397
actually cares
so much about you,
322
00:13:50,430 --> 00:13:52,265
she wants to know your
Social Security number,
323
00:13:52,298 --> 00:13:54,634
the duration of
your menstrual cycle...
324
00:13:54,668 --> 00:13:57,170
Oh. Now I hear it.
325
00:14:00,140 --> 00:14:02,042
-I don't feel good about
breaking into Mayim's apartment.
326
00:14:02,075 --> 00:14:03,543
-We're not breaking in.
327
00:14:03,576 --> 00:14:06,279
We're entering with permission
and snooping without.
328
00:14:06,312 --> 00:14:09,049
-I don't want to upset Mayim.
She got me in to see the doctor
329
00:14:09,082 --> 00:14:11,985
that cured Usain Bolt's
restless legs syndrome.
330
00:14:12,018 --> 00:14:15,021
Imagine how fast
that leg was going.
331
00:14:15,055 --> 00:14:17,190
-And I have dinner reservations
under her name.
332
00:14:17,223 --> 00:14:18,391
I don't want to
burn any bridges.
333
00:14:18,425 --> 00:14:19,926
-You don't want to
burn any bridges
334
00:14:19,959 --> 00:14:21,494
with a kidnapping stalker?!
335
00:14:21,528 --> 00:14:23,396
-Not until Sunday.
336
00:14:23,430 --> 00:14:25,065
-Okay. We'll be subtle.
337
00:14:25,098 --> 00:14:27,067
Mayim can't have any clue
we're onto her.
338
00:14:27,100 --> 00:14:28,268
-What are you guys --
-[ All scream ]
339
00:14:28,301 --> 00:14:30,470
-Hey! Hey!
-This wasn't my choice!
340
00:14:30,503 --> 00:14:32,505
I'm sleepwalking!
341
00:14:34,107 --> 00:14:37,177
-Um, you know, we were just, uh,
stopping by to tell you
342
00:14:37,210 --> 00:14:39,346
that I found brothers
for us to marry.
343
00:14:39,379 --> 00:14:41,047
-I'd love to
hear more about it.
344
00:14:41,081 --> 00:14:42,449
Why don't you come in?
345
00:14:42,482 --> 00:14:45,685
And, uh, pardon the mess.
I just remodeled.
346
00:14:46,386 --> 00:14:48,288
-Huh. It's super dark in here.
347
00:14:48,321 --> 00:14:50,457
-Oh. I'll get the lights.
348
00:14:50,490 --> 00:14:52,525
-[ Gasps ]
349
00:14:54,060 --> 00:14:55,995
Whoa!
350
00:14:56,996 --> 00:14:59,299
-Well, this is cozy.
351
00:14:59,332 --> 00:15:02,369
-You see? She turned her
apartment into my office.
352
00:15:02,402 --> 00:15:04,404
Except better!
353
00:15:05,372 --> 00:15:08,174
Oh. Julianne.
You're safe and alive.
354
00:15:08,208 --> 00:15:09,542
You're alive and you're alive,
355
00:15:09,576 --> 00:15:12,512
and we're all gonna
stay that way, right?
356
00:15:12,545 --> 00:15:14,481
-You're so clever.
357
00:15:14,514 --> 00:15:17,384
I'm gonna drop this
in the kitchen.
358
00:15:18,418 --> 00:15:20,220
-Don't worry.
We're here to save you.
359
00:15:20,253 --> 00:15:23,089
-Save me?
I'm having a wonderful time.
360
00:15:23,123 --> 00:15:25,692
You know, Mayim is
deliciously bonkers.
361
00:15:26,426 --> 00:15:28,461
-Wait. So this isn't
as bad as it seems?
362
00:15:28,495 --> 00:15:31,498
-Oh, no. It is.
You're not safe here.
363
00:15:31,531 --> 00:15:33,166
Didn't you get my texts?
364
00:15:33,199 --> 00:15:35,301
-Ah. Yeah, I got 'em,
and I came to Crazytown anyway!
365
00:15:35,335 --> 00:15:37,671
Of course
I didn't get the texts!
366
00:15:37,704 --> 00:15:39,406
-Ah. They didn't go through.
367
00:15:39,439 --> 00:15:41,608
-Sorry. Your devices
won't work in here.
368
00:15:41,641 --> 00:15:43,710
This is a cellular dead zone.
369
00:15:43,743 --> 00:15:45,412
I don't like distractions.
370
00:15:45,445 --> 00:15:48,581
The only downside is if
something terrifying happens,
371
00:15:48,615 --> 00:15:51,051
you can't call for help.
372
00:15:52,352 --> 00:15:56,222
-Mayim! Look! So listen. The
cafeteria gave me all their --
373
00:15:58,091 --> 00:16:00,360
[ Chuckles ] Just a sec.
374
00:16:02,295 --> 00:16:03,463
[ Knock on door ]
375
00:16:03,496 --> 00:16:06,199
So, hey, Mayim!
Nope. Still weird.
376
00:16:07,267 --> 00:16:09,302
-Okay. Well, I guess
we should be going.
377
00:16:09,336 --> 00:16:10,503
-Oh.
378
00:16:11,604 --> 00:16:14,741
-No. Please.
Make yourselves comfortable.
379
00:16:14,774 --> 00:16:17,077
[ Locks clicking ]
380
00:16:17,744 --> 00:16:22,182
In my opinionation, you're
gonna be here a longtime.
381
00:16:27,387 --> 00:16:29,356
[ "Blossom" theme playing ]
382
00:16:29,389 --> 00:16:31,124
-* Stop all your fussin' *
383
00:16:31,157 --> 00:16:32,459
-Abby, isn't this fun?
384
00:16:32,492 --> 00:16:34,260
This is your dream, right?
385
00:16:34,294 --> 00:16:36,796
-It's everything I wanted.
[ Chuckles nervously ]
386
00:16:36,830 --> 00:16:39,132
-You know what? Actually...
387
00:16:39,165 --> 00:16:40,533
-[ Music shuts off ]
-Let's take a break.
388
00:16:40,567 --> 00:16:42,669
It's time for my surprise.
Don't go anywhere.
389
00:16:42,702 --> 00:16:45,372
Kidding. You can't.
390
00:16:45,405 --> 00:16:46,840
-Okay. We don't know
how much time we have
391
00:16:46,873 --> 00:16:49,175
to find a way out of here.
-Yeah, yeah. Come on.
392
00:16:49,209 --> 00:16:51,511
[ Rattling ]
Listen. We can take her!
393
00:16:51,544 --> 00:16:54,214
There's only one of her,
and there's...
394
00:16:54,247 --> 00:16:56,249
four and a half of us!
395
00:16:56,282 --> 00:16:57,650
-Really?
We're in mortal danger,
396
00:16:57,684 --> 00:16:59,419
and you're still making
height jokes?
397
00:16:59,452 --> 00:17:02,655
-Oh, the unexpected timing
makes it funnier.
398
00:17:02,689 --> 00:17:05,558
-Maybe we can go
through the window!
399
00:17:05,592 --> 00:17:06,693
[ Chuckles ]
400
00:17:06,726 --> 00:17:08,395
-[ Gasps ]
401
00:17:08,428 --> 00:17:11,297
-Maybe we can go through
the brick wall!
402
00:17:11,331 --> 00:17:13,433
-No need, Wyatt.
If I can sleepwalk my way
403
00:17:13,466 --> 00:17:15,835
into the Met Gala, I can
sleepwalk us out of here.
404
00:17:15,869 --> 00:17:17,671
Now, hush!
405
00:17:19,839 --> 00:17:23,710
Oh, shoot. I can't sleep
without my retainer!
406
00:17:23,743 --> 00:17:26,212
-Okay. The remote is
the only way out of here.
407
00:17:26,246 --> 00:17:27,580
We just need to figure out a way
408
00:17:27,614 --> 00:17:29,816
to distract her long enough
to steal it.
409
00:17:29,849 --> 00:17:32,252
-So how do I look?
410
00:17:35,455 --> 00:17:38,558
-So it is"Single White Female."
411
00:17:38,591 --> 00:17:41,795
I read you as
"Fatal Attraction."
412
00:17:41,828 --> 00:17:44,330
Oh. My bad. [ Snorts ]
413
00:17:44,364 --> 00:17:46,232
-Mayim,
what do you want from me?
414
00:17:46,266 --> 00:17:48,702
-Isn't it obvious, Abby?
I want your life.
415
00:17:48,735 --> 00:17:51,438
-Excuse me. You could pick
any life in the city,
416
00:17:51,471 --> 00:17:53,773
and you chose hers?
417
00:17:54,941 --> 00:17:57,744
You know Kelly Ripa lives here?
418
00:17:57,777 --> 00:17:59,279
-Abby has it all.
419
00:17:59,312 --> 00:18:00,747
I want a coworker best friend,
420
00:18:00,780 --> 00:18:04,451
a debonair surrogate dad,
a hot nerd,
421
00:18:04,484 --> 00:18:05,852
a "will they, won't they"
with a cougar
422
00:18:05,885 --> 00:18:08,355
fresh out of her cage.
423
00:18:09,522 --> 00:18:11,558
-I think you're misreading
that relationship.
424
00:18:11,591 --> 00:18:13,727
-Oh, she's not.
425
00:18:13,760 --> 00:18:16,363
-Oh. Best-friend selfie?
426
00:18:17,530 --> 00:18:18,732
-I can get the remote
427
00:18:18,765 --> 00:18:21,201
just like snatching
a pocket square
428
00:18:21,234 --> 00:18:22,602
from that jerk in the elevator.
429
00:18:22,635 --> 00:18:24,237
You know, Mayim,
I gotta be honest with you.
430
00:18:24,270 --> 00:18:25,472
I don't care anymore.
431
00:18:25,505 --> 00:18:27,340
I don't care
what you do to Abby.
432
00:18:27,374 --> 00:18:30,877
You can be her.
You can cook her. I don't care.
433
00:18:30,910 --> 00:18:34,748
All I care about is the
vulgarian who took my dignity.
434
00:18:34,781 --> 00:18:37,751
Now, will you help me go through
these receipts or not?
435
00:18:37,784 --> 00:18:41,454
-I think that would be kind of
rude to my other prisoners.
436
00:18:41,488 --> 00:18:42,856
-Yes, we could ask someone
437
00:18:42,889 --> 00:18:44,724
who's nota neuroscientist
to do it.
438
00:18:44,758 --> 00:18:47,494
-Well, that's dumb.
Give me those.
439
00:18:47,527 --> 00:18:50,196
-Okay. Good. You know,
there was an interesting one...
440
00:18:50,230 --> 00:18:51,965
-Ohh!
-Yeah, yeah, I got it!
441
00:18:51,998 --> 00:18:53,500
-What are you --
-Abby! Here!
442
00:18:53,533 --> 00:18:54,701
-We're getting out of here!
443
00:18:54,734 --> 00:18:56,636
See you in hell, Bialik.
-Come on.
444
00:18:56,670 --> 00:18:59,205
[ Sour alert tones]
445
00:18:59,239 --> 00:19:00,373
-[ Shrieks ]
-Sorry.
446
00:19:00,407 --> 00:19:01,775
Only works with my fingerprints.
447
00:19:01,808 --> 00:19:04,744
Come on.
That's, like, Evil Genius 101.
448
00:19:05,745 --> 00:19:09,516
Abby, I thought
you were my friend.
449
00:19:09,549 --> 00:19:12,686
But if you're not my friend,
then you're my enemy.
450
00:19:12,719 --> 00:19:16,489
And there's only one thing
to do to an enemy.
451
00:19:16,523 --> 00:19:19,426
And scene! Scene. Scene.
452
00:19:20,293 --> 00:19:21,695
-That was amazing!
How did it feel?
453
00:19:21,728 --> 00:19:23,997
-It felt good.
It felt really, really right.
454
00:19:24,030 --> 00:19:25,665
-Can someone explain
what's going on?
455
00:19:25,699 --> 00:19:27,801
-Oh. Everybody, this is Bryan.
456
00:19:27,834 --> 00:19:29,836
He's my acting coach.
457
00:19:30,704 --> 00:19:33,506
This whole thing has been
character research
458
00:19:33,540 --> 00:19:36,910
for playing the role
of a stalker in a new play.
459
00:19:39,846 --> 00:19:41,748
-"The Cable Gal." What?!
460
00:19:41,781 --> 00:19:43,917
Why? Who wants this?
461
00:19:44,984 --> 00:19:46,986
-I'm really sorry
for the inconvenience,
462
00:19:47,020 --> 00:19:48,788
but I had no choice.
463
00:19:48,822 --> 00:19:51,825
It was the only way I could get
authentic reactions from you.
464
00:19:51,858 --> 00:19:53,827
-Chills. I have chills.
465
00:19:54,928 --> 00:19:56,930
-All this for a play?
466
00:19:56,963 --> 00:19:59,899
Rich people really
do love to waste money.
467
00:19:59,933 --> 00:20:01,568
-I've got to tell you, Mayim.
468
00:20:01,601 --> 00:20:03,870
As far as actors go, I mean,
you've got my respect.
469
00:20:03,903 --> 00:20:05,338
You had me the whole time.
470
00:20:05,372 --> 00:20:06,873
Uh, except when
you called Wyatt hot.
471
00:20:06,906 --> 00:20:09,442
Then I -- [Trumpets lips]
got out of it a little bit.
472
00:20:09,476 --> 00:20:11,544
But just a little bit.
473
00:20:12,345 --> 00:20:13,780
-I do feel much better.
474
00:20:13,813 --> 00:20:15,849
Weirdly not as much
as I should.
475
00:20:15,882 --> 00:20:18,518
I'm kind of disappointed
you don't want my life.
476
00:20:18,551 --> 00:20:20,620
-Oh. Don't take it personally.
477
00:20:20,653 --> 00:20:23,023
I'm sure there's a lot of people
who would want to be you.
478
00:20:23,056 --> 00:20:24,624
Just not me.
479
00:20:24,657 --> 00:20:27,360
Because, I mean, come on.
I'm Mayim Bialik.
480
00:20:30,830 --> 00:20:34,300
-You know what? It was nice of
Mayim to get us into previews.
481
00:20:34,334 --> 00:20:36,603
Hey. Two coffees. She's got it.
482
00:20:37,470 --> 00:20:38,805
Well, I'm just gonna
go ahead and say it.
483
00:20:38,838 --> 00:20:39,839
The play was bad.
484
00:20:39,873 --> 00:20:42,676
-The nudity
did notserve the story.
485
00:20:42,709 --> 00:20:45,378
-[ Gasps ] Abby, be cool.
486
00:20:45,412 --> 00:20:46,479
-You know I can't!
487
00:20:46,513 --> 00:20:48,748
-Just -- Shh! That navy suit.
488
00:20:48,782 --> 00:20:51,484
Look. That's what goes
with this pocket square.
489
00:20:51,518 --> 00:20:53,486
Yeah. Alright, Elevator scum.
Why don't --
490
00:20:53,520 --> 00:20:55,321
[ Shrieks ]
491
00:20:55,355 --> 00:20:56,656
[ Head rattling ]
492
00:20:56,690 --> 00:21:00,360
Oh. This box.
It's for you, Abby.
493
00:21:00,393 --> 00:21:03,296
-Oh. It's from Mayim.
494
00:21:03,930 --> 00:21:07,067
Aww. She got me a hat.
Oh. There's a card.
495
00:21:07,100 --> 00:21:09,769
It says "I'm so sorry...
496
00:21:09,803 --> 00:21:11,004
-Aww.
497
00:21:11,037 --> 00:21:13,840
-...I didn't kill you
when I had the chance."
498
00:21:14,774 --> 00:21:18,044
-So was Mayim behind the
pocket square the whole time?
499
00:21:18,078 --> 00:21:22,882
Or is this just her way to play
mind games to get attention?
500
00:21:22,916 --> 00:21:26,786
[Dramatically] I'm gonna
tell you! I hate actors!
501
00:21:30,523 --> 00:21:31,925
It's funny!
38002
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