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[APPLAUSE]

One, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight.

Yeah.

Ah, here comes old Bill.

I wonder what he's gonna pull on us today.

Morning, Joseph. Good morning, Bill, you look great today.

That's because I'm wearing makeup.

And how are you, Edna?

Just fine, Bill.

Good, good, good, good.

Edna, you've lost weight.

Seven pounds.

I can't seem to get below 150, though.

I guess I need an incentive.

You've got it.

Lose ten more and I'll marry ya.

Terrific.

Bill is a great way to start the day.

Edna, look!

He is really something.

How is he doing that?

I'm gonna find out.

That's a neat trick, Bill. I'm really into illusion.

We're all into illusion, kid.

May I? Sure, help yourself.

Max Wellington gave me that.

Well, who's Max Wellington?

The world's greatest prestidigitator.

I hope you're impressed.

I am. Good, so am I.

It's the first time I pronounced that word right.

He used this in his act?

No, only when he needed food.

How come I never heard of Max Wellington?

Maybe because he was great.

You never really remember anyone who was great.

It's a sad fact of life, Joe.

The truly great not only go unremembered, they seldom get hired.

It's the mediocre talent that gets all the work.

Nobody expects anything from them

and they're never disappointed.

Well, I don't understand that.

Neither do I, but remember it.

Look, you little bitch,

you'll get your clothes back when I get my stuff.

And don't give any more crap about not making the connection.

And if you didn't make the connection,

then give me back my money.

I want my money or my stuff now!

Open up, police.

We got a report of a disturbance.

What's going on here?

Nobody. Nobody could figure out how Max did it.

There she was, just her head,

sitting in the middle of the table,

with this big smile on it.

And then every few seconds she'd wink at you.

No body, no legs?

No body, no legs. Just her head.

Now that's what I call an illusion.

How was it done, Bill?

With mirrors and black drapes.

Plenty of black drapes.

That's the way they're all done.

Here you are, kid. Here's thirty cents.

Hey, thanks. What's the extra nickel for?

Cost of living increase.

Gee, nobody ever thinks of that.

If they were older, they would.

How's that for a trick?

Wow! How'd you do that?

Mirrors and drapes, that's all there is to it.

Let's put these in the back seat,

I don't wanna scratch the mirrors.

See ya, Joe. See ya, Bill.

What are you staring at?

I forgot. I have to replace that tube.

Well, where are we?

You're in the trunk of my car,

and I'm out here wondering why you're there.

Take me home.

Where do you live?

Your home. Young lady,

what makes you think that I would take you to my home?

If you don't, you're in trouble.

You've got a naked girl in your car and I'm going to scream.

I'll take you home.

I live six blocks from here. Will you be able to breathe?

I can make it if you can.

I'll take you home.

Let me ask you something. I'll scream!

I'll take you home.

Here we are. Welcome.

Do you want me to climb out starkers,

or are you going to get me a robe or something?

Something.

It's occupied.

It belonged to a dear friend.

Where's the rest of him?

Where he shouldn't be.

Whenever you're ready, let me know.

Okay.

Ready.

I don't think so.

Running away from home?

I'm an orphan.

What happened to your folks?

They died.

Went down with the boat. Sank.

I forget the name of it.

Big boat.

Titanic?

Yeah, that's it.

Then your parents died 63 years before you were born.

Which is why I hardly knew them.

Yeah, well, that... That makes sense.

Big place.

Carved it out of a wilderness.

Do you live here alone?

That's right.

What's the matter?

This is scratchy.

You wouldn't have anything else I could put on?

All my clothes are in my bedroom. Come upstairs.

Well?

How do I know you're not some kind of pervert?

Just take a look at me.

Well?

How do I know you're not some kind of pervert?

If I was, I'd have cards printed.

It's been years since I've been a petite, but help yourself.

Thanks.

I missed breakfast. Do you think you could fix me something?

If it isn't too much trouble.

It is. But I'll do it anyway.

How does bacon and eggs hit you?

Neat. Give me 10 minutes.

If I burn the orange juice, it'll be 15.

Shredded coconut?

Why did I buy that?

Eh, I'll make cookies.

I don't like cookies.

The house is not good-looking.

You'll enjoy the cooking.

That's a Wellington lock.

That was created by Max Wellington,

the world's greatest prestitigitator.

No, it's not tigitator, it's digidator.

No, it's not digidator. It's... It's...

He's a magician, that's what he is.

I had it right once today. Why did I fool with it?

That lock could have made Max a millionaire.

It's burglar proof. There's no way anyone can get in.

Unfortunately, there's no way anyone can get out

unless they know the secret.

Come on. I hope you like your bacon crisp.

I told you, it's a secret, kid.

Now tell me, what are we doing here?

Specifically you?

You must be rich.

Nobody must be anything. It's a choice.

What's your name?

Kate. Kate what?

Just Kate.

I'm Bill. Just Bill, Just Kate.

What, um, what's got you scared?

I'm not scared.

Then why did you try to sneak out of the house?

I had to make contact with my pimp.

Oh, so that's your business, huh?

Well, that's better than going to school.

By the way, how is business?

Great, thanks.

Until you got raided. Right.

I could tell by what you weren't wearing.

Actually, I was in my tub.

Good, good, that's good.

In your business it's important to keep clean.

You want more?

No.

Stand up. Why?

Stand up. Come on, up, up, up, up.

Let's see, I think I can do something with that outfit.

Yeah, I can make it a better fit.

Watch the hands.

You're a letch.

Thank you.

I haven't been called that,

January 20th will be 31 years.

You don't make sense.

I'm not supposed to. I'm a senior citizen.

Yeah, I think that'll work. Let me see,

put a couple of darts in the shirt and take a tuck in the pants.

My God, you're a fag.

Come on, let's go upstairs.

That's where I keep my sewing machine.

You have nothing to worry about.

Remember, I'm a fag.

Where is she? Who?

Tell me where she is or you're gonna lose your ass.

Louise. Louise.

Huh? Louise.

Your old lady is out hustlin', fool.

Now you tell me where Kate is or I'll kill you.

That stinkin' broad is ripping me off!

I don't know where she is. I don't.

She hasn't been home in days.

I told Louise. I told her,

we never should have taken her in. She was trouble.

If you're lying to me, old man,

you're dead.

I hate bars.

You got bars on all the windows?

All except the bathroom. And those are not bars. They're grillwork.

Almost finished? Just about.

Oh, that's okay. You don't have to do any more.

You in a hurry to go someplace?

No, no, it's just that that's good enough.

Good enough is never good enough.

Is this you?

Used to be.

What did you do?

Oh, about 40 minutes. Told jokes. Sang. Danced.

How come you sew?

Before I was famous and a household word,

I worked for Mersky and Company,

they made middy blouses. I was a cutter.

Now Mersky had a problem because nobody was...

You, uh, you want these pants?

Yes. Listen to the story.

Mersky had a problem because nobody was buying his blouses.

So I had the idea of sending every store in town 13 dozen

with an invoice that said, "Enclosed, find 12 dozen middy blouses."

Even though they didn't order them, I figured they'd keep them

because they'd figured they were getting 13 dozen for the price of 12.

Mersky was so happy that he gave me a $2 raise.

Two weeks later he calls me into his office.

He says, "I took your advice, kid.

"I sent every store in town 13 dozen blouses.

"They kept the extra dozen and sent back 12."

Okay, here's your pants.

If you want a better fit, get a better tailor.

I made this, I made this tuxedo myself.

Great. Where's the bathroom?

It's down there.

I used to make all my own costumes for the first 10 years.

I made a lot of quick changes on the...

It's the door to the right.

Great audience.

I hope we don't get canceled.

What the hell is that? Where?

Over at Bill Grant's place.

Son of a gun, every day something new.

That was pretty dumb.

You could have hurt yourself. Are you okay?

I'm okay, I'm okay.

I've gotta go. Nothing personal.

It is personal. I'm not good at rejection.

It's not you, really.

I just got to get out of here.

Well, go, but, little girl,

if you've got a problem, you can tell it to me.

I've had them all. Some of them twice.

You're sweating. You hurt yourself when you jumped.

I'm okay. I'm fine.

My foot, my goddamn foot.

I broke my foot.

Here, let me help you. Let me...

Now don't put any pressure on that foot.

We gotta get some ice right away.

You okay? Can we help?

We're okay, we're fine. Keep jogging.

She's just a kid. Yeah, about 14.

Well, he always said he'd never marry anybody his own age again.

That one sure ought to outlast him.

Not if she keeps jumping out the window.

Sorry for the delay.

I had trouble finding these.

I put things away and then 20 years later, I can't find them.

Looking better. Once the swelling goes down, I'll be able to tape it.

What's that? It's for pain.

But first, are you on drugs?

I can't give you these if you're popping pills, might be a bad mix.

I'm not.

I can tell if you are.

You can't spend 40 years working with musicians

and not know about drugs.

I'm not on any drugs.

Every time I played Pittsburgh,

I worked with a band that was so high,

Gabriel played first trumpet.

That last joke was from my act.

It didn't do well in Pittsburgh either.

Okay, take this.

What's it do? It's a prescription.

I told you, it kills pain.

What else does it do?

If you wind it up, it marches around the room.

What the hell is that? Al Jolson.

I thought you said you lived alone.

Jolson was the world's greatest entertainer.

Why is he singing now?

To tell me that it's 09:30.

You are weird.

What's weird about hating alarm clocks and liking Jolson?

Would you pay $8.50 a seat to hear an alarm clock?

Well, it's time for me to visit Max.

Who's Max? Remember? From the locks.

Max Wellington, my best friend.

He's been out of it for a while.

I go there every day to remind him that we're still here.

He's a looney, too.

No, I'm the one who's a looney.

Max is just lost.

I'll be back in a short time.

Look, uh,

I don't know why you're on the lam.

Do they still say that, "on the lam"?

Uh, but my hunch is, it must be the police.

We'll talk about that when I get back.

But don't get any silly ideas.

Even if you could figure out Max's lock,

you're not gonna travel far or fast on that bum foot.

So stay put. Nobody knows you're here,

you're safe.

Safe?

Ah, my present plans don't call for drugging you

or putting you in chains.

Those belong to Max. They were part of his act.

Why are they on the wall?

Memories don't belong in drawers.

I'll leave you with some big-time company.

Sophie Tucker. You'll like Sophie.

Max used to say it amazed him that

he could get out of a straitjacket in 30 seconds

but it took him two hours to get out of Sophie's dressing room.

You must come from Pittsburgh.

Murder.

Good morning, Ben.

Morning, Doc. Good morning, Bill.

How is he? He's Max.

Doc, for swollen ankles,

is it ice the first 24 hours and then heat?

That's what my nurse says.

Hi.

- Good morning. - Hello, Bill.

Good morning.

- Hi. Good morning. - Hi.

Good morning, Max.

How's tricks?

You know who was on TV last night on the Carson Show?

Charlie Davis.

The damned fool got up and danced.

What is Charlie? Seventy-five, 76?

He did all his old routines,

even tap-danced up and down a twelve-foot ladder.

Took a bow, keeled over.

Finally found a finish for his act.

I'm not going to be able to stay as long as I usually do.

Even thought about not coming today,

but who the hell can resist a steady booking these days?

I'm just going to have to cut the visit short.

Why are you cutting it short, Bill?

I've got a house guest, Max.

Fourteen, 15 year old girl.

Looks just like the girl who used to work for you.

What was her name?

Janelle. That's right. Thanks, Max.

A real look-alike. You ought to see her.

You won't believe how we first met, Max.

She was naked in the trunk of my car.

She's got a problem, Max. She's scared.

Damn it, is she scared.

I have to help her.

I have to get her to trust me.

Imagine me having to get someone to trust me.

Unbelievable, you say? Damn right, I say.

I'm the only comic in the business who never stole a joke,

although I did rent a few.

Well, I gotta go, pal. I love ya, you know that.

I wish you'd move back into your head

so you could move back into your house,

or in with me.

Not that the cost of this damn place bothers me.

Thank God when Jolson told me he was going to make a talkie,

I bought all that stock in the company.

Even though I didn't believe in talkies. Still don't.

Max, it's still fun outside.

Even at our age.

I wish I could get you to take another look.

Whatcha say, Roy, boy?

Where's Kate?

I don't know.

It don't figure, your not knowin'.

She didn't come to school today.

Well, where does she go when she don't come to school?

Well, your guess is as good as mine.

My guess is your place. She's your broad.

Knock it off, Demesta. She's my friend,

and she's just a kid, an innocent kid.

An innocent kid, bullshit, man!

That's some sort of act. She's an operator.

Now where is she?

Listen to me, Roy, boy,

get this message and get it straight,

'cause I'm only going to say it once.

I'm gonna find her. Hmm?

But it would be a whole lot better

if she found me first. Understand?

Good boy.

No! No!

No, John, no! No, John!

Kate!

No, no, John, no!

Kate, Kate, Kate. It's Bill, honey.

Kate, it's Bill. It's Bill.

I knew it.

The first chance you got, you'd try something.

Damn your pill!

Kate, you were having a bad dream

and his name was John.

Who is John?

My ex-husband.

Sorry about the pill bottle. I would have picked it up if I could.

No problem. How's your foot?

It hurts.

The swelling's gone down. Wiggle your toes.

What does that mean?

It's not broken.

How would you know?

I'm an authority.

There was this acrobatic act, the Flying Crovneys.

Every time I played on the bill with them,

there wasn't a day I didn't tape up one of their ankles.

They flew well, but landed poorly.

When do you think I can walk?

They flew well, but landed poorly.

When do you think I can walk?

Walk or run?

Look, I don't like these one-sided relationships.

You've already learned more about me than anyone in a long time.

I'm owed a couple of answers.

Who's after you?

Why are you running? Why were you naked on the street?

A Salvation Army truck came by

and I'm a compulsive do-gooder.

Kate, you need help.

I may not be qualified for the job,

but I'm the only one around.

Trust me.

Were you running from the police?

Yes. I guess so.

In a second-hand way.

I was running from someone who was running from the cops.

John?

Yeah. John Demesta.

He's a pusher. And he's...

I don't talk.

Listen, if I'd been Paul Revere,

this country still wouldn't know the British were coming.

I'm in Pittsburgh again. Go ahead.

He gave me some money to pick up some stuff for him.

Did you?

Yes, but then I got nervous.

I dropped the stuff in a sewer.

I was going to leave town,

but he caught me.

He took me to his place and stripped me.

Of course, he couldn't find the stuff.

Then the cops busted us.

I barely escaped. And that's it.

Pretty rough.

Yeah. Just telling the story makes me nervous.

I gotta go to the john.

No, don't put any pressure on that foot.

Let me help you.

No, wait, I got a better idea, I'll be right back.

I don't need a hat.

They're from my soft shoe number. They go together.

You can't break up the set.

The powder room is right down there.

You expecting someone? What?

A car is pulling up in front of your house.

It's John, he's found me.

Relax, relax.

I don't get it. It's my daughter, Shirley, and her husband.

What's she doing here? It's out of character.

Shirl and I argue.

We don't see eye to eye.

It's more of a mouth-to-mouth relationship.

You just stay in the bathroom until she's gone.

No, it's better if she doesn't come in at all.

She sometimes checks to see if everything is neat.

That's her thing.

You just stay in there until I come back for you.

The light's on the right.

There's a Variety in the rack.

You read it, you don't color it.

It's almost a dent.

Will you stop worrying about your hubcaps? Daddy!

Shirl! What a surprise!

Harris. Hello, Dad.

Dad, we have to talk to you.

I wish I had time. I'm just leaving.

But this is very important. It'll only take a few minutes.

Could we please go back to the house? No.

No? Only not for so many words.

Dad, I have this card that we want you to sign.

I'm sorry, I don't sign anything unless I can read it.

I can't read without my reading glasses.

Well, let's go get them.

I haven't seen them in days.

If I don't find them soon, they're going to kick me

out of the Book of the Month Club.

It's very simple, you do not have to read it,

I will explain it to you.

All it says is that I have to co-sign

all future withdrawals from your savings account.

That's all that says? Absolutely.

Well, you should have told me that right away.

Give me the card. Thank you.

You're welcome. Here's your half.

Harris will just go to the bank and get another one.

Harris, get several, it'll save trips.

Daddy, last month you gave Belle Tyerson $3,700.

Belle Tyerson was the greatest high wire performer

who ever lived, until she fell.

You cannot be giving handouts to everyone who asks for it.

Belle didn't ask for it.

And Max. You're spending a fortune on him.

Max is my best friend. Max doesn't even talk.

Some people can learn from that.

Daddy, you are throwing away all our money.

Ah, but look at all the fun we're having throwing away our money.

Sometimes I think you don't realize what's going on.

I think sometimes you're getting... Senile?

That's the operative word nowadays, isn't it, Shirl?

You know, it's funny.

When I was young, I was called a rugged individualist.

When I was in my 50s, I was considered eccentric.

Here I am, doing and saying the same things that I did then,

and I'm labeled senile. Daddy, I didn't...

I wonder what my billing is going to be 10 years from now.

But I didn't say you were. I'd really like to stay and talk, Shirl,

but I have a very busy calendar today.

Harris, say something.

Goodbye, Dad.

A man of very few words, but they're all beauties.

Goodbye, Harris.

I never understand him. He should come with a set of instructions.

I am worried about him.

At times he seems rational and then... What do you think?

Well, I think he's changing.

Harris, you're a photographer.

What do you see in his face?

Shirl, I take pictures of weddings, graduations, babies...

What do I know?

Harris, maybe some day you'll have an opinion.

If we don't help him, he's going to end up destitute.

Bill, destitute? Nah.

Harris, I wish you understood these things better.

I'm just going to have to go wherever one goes, to court,

and have them appoint me conservatrix.

Conservatrix? Sounds like you've already been to court.

Shirl, I just don't think that Dad's been acting that strange.

He's back.

Did I say goodbye?

Good. Thank you.

That's not strange?

That's strange.

Coast is clear.

It wasn't easy. Shirl can be difficult.

Why don't you get along with her?

Who said that I didn't? You.

You've got to have a more reliable source than that.

As long as we're into airing the family linen,

where do you hang your T-shirts these days?

Look, isn't somebody going to worry if they don't hear from you?

No. It's a sad fact of life, Bill,

but I'm a rent-a-kid.

You have foster parents.

Have. Had. Will have.

It didn't work out? Not for me.

Ever? No.

Well, once.

And if I have to answer any further questions, Officer,

I'd like to see some I.D.

That's not a bad idea.

What's not? We can get a hold of a police officer.

He could help us.

The cops? Are you out of your mind?

They're after Demesta, not you. You're a minor.

I shouldn't have told you anything.

Kate, you dumped the stuff down the sewer.

All you got to do is cooperate,

show them where you dumped it.

Do you know what the cops'll do?

They'll haul my ass into prison,

they'll put me in a detention hall, behind bars!

And then, when I come out, there's Demesta.

I was stupid to trust you.

Okay, okay, so I made a mistake.

But don't forget, I'm new on the job.

Kate... Stay away from me.

Kate, I'm trying to help you.

You don't want to help me. You just want an audience.

Kate, are you all right?

Look, kid, I didn't mean to make you cry.

You didn't make me cry. It's my friggin' ankle.

Stan!

Stan!

Stan! I'm here.

What took you so long? I was in the john.

What's the matter? He's attacking the kid.

Where? Well, right...

Ah, they moved.

You can't see them now.

Damn!

She was holding him off with a stick or something.

You better go over there and find out what's going on.

You just told me what's going on.

Stanley. Maybe it's some kind of a game.

Then go in and find out what the rules are.

You really think I should?

Stanley, a 14-year-old girl is being raped.

Yeah, yeah, maybe I should.

We have an option.

This is not going to be an easy decision.

We can put this here.

Or we can put it here.

Or we can put it on the couch.

They flew well but landed poorly.

Who's that? It's the back door.

Most likely my next door neighbor, Stan, unfortunately.

He's boring. He's a fullback.

That's redundant.

You're not going to let him in?

No. But I'm not going for another ride around the block either.

Hiya, Stan. Hi, Bill. Can I come in?

Just on my way to clip the ivy.

Well, that's what Sue is doing.

What can I do for you, Stan?

Well, Bill, I'm sorry to disturb you,

but Sue and I were wondering about the kid.

Your, uh, house guest.

Sue saw the two of you fighting, and, uh...

Well, remember, Bill, we all saw the kid

jump out of the window.

Yeah, I saw that, too.

Well, I mean, Bill, there's got to be an explanation.

Right. Let's hear it.

Sue said the kid was holding you off with a stick.

Stan, Stan, Rebecca in there is an actress.

We're rehearsing. Rehearsing?

Yeah, we're going to do... Damn, I told you too much.

You haven't told me anything, Bill.

Okay, Stan, I know you can keep a secret.

You can, can't you?

Well, sure, Bill, you bet.

Well, Rebecca and I are rehearsing for a new movie.

It's called All Wives Die.

It's about this old man and young girl who butcher his wife.

It's going to be bigger than Close Encounters.

You're making a movie? Wow!

Well, it's not set yet, which is why we have to keep it a secret.

The studio wants to see how Rebecca and I look together.

Uh, we're shooting a screen test Friday.

And then by Tuesday we know.

But interruptions don't help.

I just hope Rebecca will be able to pick up where we left off.

God knows it's not easy reaching those heights.

Tell me, Stan, did you believe her

when she dropped out that window?

Believe her?

Yes, it's very important for Rebecca to make anything she does look real.

Did her jump look real to you?

Yeah. Real. Real-real.

Real-real. I can't wait to tell her. Thanks, Stan.

I thought you were going to go clip the ivy.

You said Sue was doing that. It's the same ivy.

Sue.

Well? Well, it's not what it seems.

They're rehearsing.

Rehearsing for what?

They're making a movie. Oh, I wasn't supposed to tell. It's a secret.

I won't tell a soul.

Okay. Rebecca's an actress.

Rebecca?

Yeah. The kid. Rebecca.

And if everything works out just right,

the movie's going to star Bill and Rebecca.

Oh, Stanley, Rebecca is not the name of a movie star,

Rebecca's someone's grandmother.

It sounds like a great movie.

It sounds like a movie he made up.

What's it called? All Wives Die.

You made that up? No, I didn't.

Stan, I don't like what's going on over there.

I'm calling his daughter.

Let her review his movie.

Like I said, there's no reason to be nervous.

Too many people come to this house.

Which proves I'm still doing business.

But relax, we're finished with unexpected visitors.

You wanted to see me, Mr. Woodrow?

Yes, about two hours ago.

I've had problems. We got busted.

So I've heard.

I thought you picked a kid that didn't know what was going on?

Well, you see, sir, she got frightened.

She split, but no sweat.

Everything's relative, isn't it?

What?

You gave the kid $20,000 to pick up a package.

She doesn't come back with the package.

To you that's no sweat.

To me, you're in terrible trouble.

I'm gonna find her.

Demesta, the girl was naked.

She shouldn't be hard to locate.

Somebody must have seen her.

A cab driver, a guy opening up a store.

Check around.

I will do that, Mr. Woodrow.

You'd better. You don't have much time.

Part of the equal rights movement.

You listen to my stuff, I figured it's only fair that I listen to yours.

The ice isn't helping, huh?

A little. I'm hot.

Probably a reaction to the pain.

Fresh air might help.

If there's any out there.

I need another one of those pills.

That was the only one.

Don't you have something else for pain? Aspirin?

No. I don't keep medicine in the house.

Can you call a drugstore? No.

No? Don't have a phone.

You don't have a phone?

I had a little disagreement with the phone company.

They taxed me twice on my bill.

I told them unless they adjusted the bill they could take the phone out.

They did. It's been three years now.

But they'll come around.

I'm sort of teaching them a little lesson.

I'll take this to the drug store and get it refilled.

But stay off that foot.

Ah, just thought of a very funny exit.

No, it won't work. I'll be right back.

May I help you?

I'm looking for Doc Faulkner.

That's me. Congratulations.

That's the best sex change operation I've ever seen.

You want my father.

Not anymore. Wait a minute.

You can't be Nancy. Mmm-hmm.

Why, I remember you when you were... When you were this big.

And you're still growing.

Where's Dad?

He's retired. He finally went fishing.

He hates it.

It's Mr. Grant, right?

Mr. Grant? You never called me Mr. Grant.

Okay. Uncle Bill.

That's better. I need this refilled.

Oh, the expiration date on this is December, 1960.

Well, you can see I'm not addicted.

Well, I can't refill it. The company stopped making it.

It figures. It worked.

Shall we call Dr. Defoe? He might be able to suggest something else.

We can try, but I don't think he'll answer. He's dead.

Do you have another doctor?

No. I gave them up when I decided to try for old age.

Well, I think I can give you a non-prescriptive drug

that will be equally effective.

Will that do, Uncle Bill?

You're the doctor.

Don't ring the bell.

Why? I may be sleeping.

Two visits in one day. I'm flattered.

I want to know what's going on in that house, Daddy.

Nothing.

Well, then let me in. Let me see for myself.

Why? You've seen nothing before.

Daddy, you have a child in there.

My only child is out here.

There've been some paternity suits, of course.

Any man in my position expects a few of those.

But the only woman who ever won was your mother.

She proved conclusively that you are my child.

You have a 14-year-old girl in there. A minor!

Shirl, hold it down. The Waterman's are on watch duty.

The Waterman's are watching because they called me.

That did it.

I'm going to move. I'll move to the Valley.

Bob Hope's lived there all his life.

Nothing to be ashamed of.

Daddy, I demand to be let in that house. Let me in that house!

Shirl, you don't want to see the body.

What did you say?

The body.

Poor little thing, struck down in her prime.

Couldn't keep up with me, sexually.

It seems that I was, if you'll pardon the expression,

too much for her.

A pity, too, because we were planning to be married.

She'd have been your new mother, Shirl.

Daddy, you scare the hell out of me.

It's one thing to do supermarket magic,

to wage war against the telephone company,

to diaper your car,

but to keep a 14-year-old girl prisoner,

that can't be explained as an eccentricity.

That's something you could be put away for. Committed.

If you don't tell, I won't.

Daddy, you're leaving me no choice.

If I don't see that girl, I'm going to be forced to...

Forced to do what, Shirl?

To call the police before something happens.

Oh, Daddy. Daddy, please.

Let me see the girl.

No. Okay!

I will be back with the police. With the police.

Well, that's it.

Next show at 8:30 tonight. Until then...

Thank you.

I'll be with you.

What the hell are you doing?

I'm getting out of here.

You're not going to stop me.

Where you going?

Any place is better than here.

Why?

Your daughter is bringing the cops.

No, she's not. Why'd she say she was?

Because she didn't know how to get off. She needed an exit line.

You're safe here. Wrong.

Too many people know I'm here. That's trouble.

If Demesta finds me here, he'll kill me.

He'll kill you, too.

You're too old to die.

Now get out of the way.

Your thinking is muddled. You're in pain.

Demesta is not going to find you here. Stay back.

What are you going to do, kill a friend?

I don't have friends. Never had a friend.

Surprise. You got one now.

Son of a bitch.

Now here's what we're going to do.

We? Okay, here's what you're going to do.

You're going to stay off that foot for a while.

Who's that?

It's 3:00.

You've got the damnedest way of telling time in this house.

The No-Shirt Gang.

The what? The No-Shirt Gang.

It's my card game.

Most of the players are magicians.

So many tricks up their sleeves,

they won't play poker with each other

unless everybody takes off his shirt.

And they're playing here? Great.

Nothing to worry about.

Like I said, they're magicians.

Magicians don't give away secrets.

I'm taking some away this time.

Hiya, fellas.

Come right in. Look at me, I feel lucky today.

Boys, we'll have to watch our language. Huh?

I have a house guest. Gentlemen, this is Kate.

And, Kate, let me introduce to you

Manduke the Magnificent.

How do you do?

Dr. Device.

Delighted.

Reinhoff the Remarkable.

Charmed. And Tom.

Hi.

Hi.

Where are you from, my dear?

Pittsburgh.

Oh, are you related to Bill? Could be.

Bill played Pittsburgh.

How did you hurt your foot?

I jumped out a window.

She's got a great sense of humor.

Look, you fellas get things set up and I'll join you in a moment.

I'll check the cards.

See you later, Kate. Bye-bye.

Bye, Kate. Very pretty.

Look, kid, you just take two of these.

They may make you a little drowsy.

But I figure, in your case, it's a plus.

You can use the rest.

And I'll come back and check you from time to time.

And if you need anything, just call out.

And don't worry about the No-Shirt Gang,

none of them will sing.

Do they still say that?

None of them will give you away.

To tell you the truth they have no idea what you look like.

There isn't a pair of eyes in that group that can see beyond a poker hand.

Who's the oldest? The guy with the beard?

Me. You'd never guess it.

I had no idea it was your sister.

Yeah, well, uh, you can understand why I'm so upset.

Well, I had no idea. I thought it was one of his tricks.

You see a naked girl and right away you assume Bill's up to his...

Whoa, whoa, whoa! Bill? Bill who?

I don't know his last name.

But he comes here about once or twice every week and he plays...

Okay, okay, where does he live?

Sorry, I don't know that either.

Off in that direction, I guess.

At least that's where he always heads.

He drives an old car, a Pierce Arrow, I think.

Pierce Arrow?

A Pierce Arrow.

I saw him. I saw him.

Yeah, where, where, where, where, where?

How did Miss Kate get mixed up with this guy?

I don't know.

Any idea where she lives?

No, not yet.

Let's play cards.

From what you say, she's a bright kid.

Got a great sense of humor.

And a very colorful vocabulary.

Let's play cards.

She probably opted to acquire knowledge.

The way I see it,

everyone has options and that includes kids.

That's enough. I'm going home.

You came in my car.

- Let's play cards. - Tom is right.

If all we're going to do is talk,

why don't we invite ladies to the game?

He got another shot of vitamin E today.

Are you in? Or are you out?

Out. I'm going to check on the kid.

Oh, okay.

Let's play cards.

Officers...

Officers, uh, I'm Mrs. Sloane. I'm the lady who called.

It's about my father.

Let me see if I can explain to you what happened.

These people, they're my father's neighbors...

She did it. Like she said she would.

Who? Shirl.

She brought the police.

I gave the kid my word she'd be safe here.

I never go back on my word. And you won't.

Can we get her out of the house?

No! She's immobilized.

We've got to hide her.

Is this Max's old cabinet with the secret compartment?

Yeah.

Why don't we hide her in there?

No, no, no, that'll never work.

That's the first place Shirl will look.

I used to hide from her in there.

Ha!

Some kind of levitation!

Yes. Plus misdirection.

Ah-ha.

This room is perfect.

We'll need some ropes.

Bill, do you have any? Yeah, Max's ropes.

They're in the hall closet and some are in the pantry.

Marvelous. Reinhoff, come on, help me.

I'll check the beam. You hold the chair.

And I'll go out and stall Shirl and the cops.

We'll let you know as soon as we're ready.

Okay. And we'll get rid of the money.

Please.

There he is. That's my father.

He doesn't jog.

Well, give him credit for trying.

Another one of his tricks.

Daddy!

Daddy!

Daddy!

Hiya, Shirl, what's new?

Daddy, I want you to know I don't like myself for doing this,

but I have no choice. We have to get into the house.

Why? Sir, we understand you've got a girl in there.

That's right. She comes in twice a week.

Sorry you missed her. Awfully nice.

Keeps the place as neat as a pin.

Uh, sir, we're talking about a teenager.

We'd like to search the premises.

Okay. But first I gotta finish my jogging.

No, first we go in the house.

Shirl, I like to jog before it gets dark.

I don't want to get mugged.

If you gentlemen were doing a better job, I wouldn't have to worry.

Mr. Grant, jog in the morning. The air's better.

Sir, may we go into the house?

Okay, but I'm telling you, it's all a waste of your time.

It's that way.

Right. My memory always goes on Fridays.

Daddy, it's Thursday.

It's even worse than I thought.

I'm tired from jogging.

Kate. Kate.

My dear. Uh, Bill's daughter is outside.

She's brought the police.

We're going to have to hide you in the card room.

What? Don't worry. We have a plan.

Do you mind if we carry you in there? It'll be faster.

Yes.

Will it?

I think I left my key inside.

Maybe I dropped it back there. Daddy.

Hey, Bill, are you going to play or not, you're holding up...

What... What's the matter?

Now, look, uh, we... We don't play for money,

we just play for fun, honest.

Relax, relax, they're not here about the card game.

Oh, then what's wrong?

They think I have a girl in the house.

If you've got a girl in the house, she's perfectly hidden.

Shirley, Officers,

you may search the premises.

You take upstairs.

Why don't you follow me?

I think I know where she is.

It's a raid!

We don't play for money, just chips.

We've been playing together about fourteen years, you know...

Boys, boys, boys, relax.

There's nothing to worry about.

The police are not interested in our card game.

They're looking for a young lady.

Aren't we all?

Officer, she's in that cabinet.

I want to show you how this works.

Let me help you. I can do it myself, Daddy.

It opens better if you're there.

You open it the first time,

and there's nothing.

Nothing. Nothing in there.

Now... Now.

You open it the second time.

And there's still nothing. Nothing.

Where is she?

Nothing. Where is she?

Daddy, I want an answer.

Then change the question.

Do you realize what you're doing?

You're hiding an under-aged girl in here.

There are serious consequences to such an action.

Shirl, I think it's up to the officer to read me my rights.

Daddy! Oh! She's mad. She's mad.

No one up here. What about the back?

Let's check.

Daddy, is that girl really gone?

Or have you and that Geritol posse hidden her someplace in this house?

Someday, I would like something resembling the truth.

I've had enough evasive answers to last me a lifetime.

The question behind your question, Shirl, is,

am I all there?

The answer is yes.

I'm as sound as I've always been.

How do you think I've survived all these years?

I'm careful.

Then how come you've had three paternity suits?

A man has to ad lib once in a while.

You find anything?

It's a nice house. Nice and empty.

Sorry we bothered you, sir.

No bother at all.

You did what you had to do even though I told you you didn't have to do it.

Goodbye, girls.

I gotta get back to the game.

Which one, Daddy?

Boys, they're gone. We did it.

Now, we'll let you down

if you promise never to tell how we do this.

Okay. But how do you do it?

Goodnight, fellas.

Goodnight. Goodnight.

Hold it down, hold it down, Kate is sleeping.

Well, how'd you do?

I'm leaving with more than I came with.

And you? I won a few.

Oh, how'd you make out?

Oh, made a couple of bucks. And you, Manduke?

I'm a winner.

Another great game. Not a single loser.

Goodnight, fellas. Goodnight, fellas.

Oh, boy, this night air feels great.

Hey, what time is it? 12:30.

12:30. How about that?

The first time in three years

we've stopped playing at our normal quitting time.

Goodnight. Same time tomorrow. Same time.

Goodnight.

Harris, are you asleep?

Of course not. I never sleep. You know that.

They used magic on me, that's how they hid her. Mmm.

She's still in the house I'm sure of it.

Harris, is Daddy certifiable?

Who's not?

I'm not. You're not.

He's got a 14-year-old girl locked up in there.

Shirl, would it make you feel better

if Dr. Mellentyne examined him and told you he was okay?

Yes.

Then have him do it.

Well, what if he says Daddy's not okay,

and what if he says Daddy should be institutionalized?

What if?

You're assuming the girl is locked up in that house against her will.

The neighbors saw her trying to escape.

Yeah, but we haven't heard Bill's side of the story.

What could it be?

I don't know.

But whatever it is, it'll probably be funny.

Mmm, yes, that's the way you see him, funny.

Hey, you weren't with us in Pittsburgh when he bombed.

When he tried a comeback and nobody noticed.

He never put you on the stage to make you sing or tell a joke,

except you couldn't sing and couldn't tell a joke.

He wasn't funny.

Definitely not funny.

Maybe he's keeping her there because she can sing and dance.

Shirl...

Harris, go back to sleep.

Can't sleep, huh, kid?

No.

Look, when I was in vaudeville I sang a song to a girl, Rosie.

I think that'll put you to sleep,

because that's what it did to the audience.

Good morning. Good morning.

What time's your first class today?

Oh, not until 10.

Then you can deliver these now. The rest can go after three.

Okay, I'm gonna have to bike it this afternoon.

So if you've got anything that's a trip,

you'd better give me now, my car's going into the shop.

Okay.

See you later.

That's all, huh? Thank you. Uh-huh.

Yes, sir, can I help you? I, uh, hope so.

I'm looking for someone.

Uh, you see, I'm a car freak.

And I collect cars, antique cars.

Now, yesterday I saw an old guy with a Pierce Arrow...

Oh, no, no, I didn't work yesterday.

You want to talk with Doc Faulkner, she'll be in in about an hour.

Okay.

Mr. Rogers... Mmm-hmm?

This doesn't have an address.

Oh.

What did he want? Who?

That guy who was just in here.

Oh, he was looking for some old guy that owns a Pierce Arrow.

He wants to buy it.

Demesta, buy it?

Yeah. Steal it, yeah.

I found the bandage.

I found the bandage.

What?

I'll give you a dime. For what?

Your thoughts.

It used to be a penny, but with inflation I think that's the going rate.

Your daughter must have been pretty pissed off at you yesterday

to have called the cops.

That's what you were thinking?

I've been giving that a lot of thought, too.

I don't see it that way.

The way I see it, Shirl was worried about us.

She thought she was saving you and me from me.

You mean, she thinks you're a dirty old man.

At least an apprentice.

She called the police because she didn't want me to get into trouble.

She cared. You really believe that?

Yes, of course.

Give me your foot.

Hey, it's still swollen.

Maybe we'd better wait and tape it later.

I'd feel better if you'd do it now,

get it over with.

Okay.

Don't you think it's about time you made a call

and let someone know where you are,

that you're okay?

You don't have a phone. Remember?

I'll make the call when I go out.

Who do I call?

Your answer must be postmarked by midnight tonight

to be eligible for the grand prize.

There's no one to call. They drink.

They probably don't even know I'm missing.

How many homes have you been in?

Six.

Rough.

Um, how'd you like to live with me?

No quick answers. Give it some thought.

Bill, you have to be a certain age to be a foster parent.

I'm not old enough?

9:30. Here, help me with this.

Okay.

Up and at 'em.

Now, put some weight on it.

Now walk.

Hurt? No.

It's okay. Good. I won't be gone long.

Do you really go every day

and talk to a guy that doesn't even know you're there?

Uh-huh.

Why don't you send a tape and save yourself a trip?

Because Max counts on me showing up.

What happens one day when you don't show up?

That's another one of those questions within a question.

What you're really asking is if you can trust me.

No, I'm not.

I'll always be there for you, Kate.

You can count on me.

I know you've had some lousy relationships in the past.

Big disappointments.

But it doesn't necessarily follow what happened before is going to happen again.

In this case, it couldn't.

Your future is bright. It's me.

I'll see you in an hour or so.

Maybe sometimes if you didn't go,

Max would call for help.

You, uh... You know something?

There was this kid in the detention home.

He didn't talk.

Not because he couldn't, but because he didn't want to.

We stopped paying attention to him and he started talking.

That's very interesting, Doctor.

When I get back, we'll talk about that.

And we'll talk about how to get rid of Demesta.

And what to do about the rest of your life.

Set aside at least 20 minutes.

Good to see you up and around, Max.

I always say you never can make a dollar in bed.

I had a helluva day at the house yesterday.

Remember that kid I told you about?

The police were after her, we had to hide her.

The "we" is me and the No-Shirts Gang.

We used all your equipment.

Keep it in shape, you know.

Ready to be used whenever you decide to cancel this engagement.

Damn it, Max, you can walk away from me,

but you can't walk away from yourself.

Remember, everywhere you go, you go along and spoil everything.

Max, you make me feel older than anybody I know.

Get a grip on yourself, so I can get a grip on myself.

Max, I was talking to a very learned person this morning.

Practically a psychiatrist.

And she said the reason you didn't talk is because you didn't want to.

I guess what she was saying is that you're afraid it would change things.

Well, it would change things.

It'd make them better.

We could talk, work things out, get you out of here.

Okay, pal, that's how you're gonna play,

that's how I'll play.

You quit the world and I quit you.

I'm not coming to see you anymore, Max.

I mean it.

Never again.

This is so long, forever.

Bill!

Don't go!

You must be talking about Bill Grant.

Yeah, yeah.

He's had that car since I was a kid.

How do I get in touch with him?

I don't know.

Well, he's a customer here, don't you keep records?

Well, we haven't written a prescription for him in 15 years

and we only keep our records for five.

Maybe I can look him up in the phone book.

What did you say his name was?

Bill Grant.

And he lives on Valley Spring Lane.

Kate, Max talked!

Kate? Kate!

Kate! Max talked!

Kate!

Kate, it worked.

Kate!

Kate?

Forget William, try Bill Grant.

Nothing on Valley Spring Lane?

Hey, hey, uh...

Do you know where Valley Spring Lane is?

Uh, yeah, it's about three blocks down that way.

It runs east and west.

East and west. How far?

Oh, a little more than four miles.

Roy!

Roy!

Hey, Kate.

Are you okay? Yeah.

What did you do to your foot?

I tripped.

Roy, I need your help. I've got to get away from here.

I've gotta get to Arizona. Arizona? Why?

Demesta? Yeah, how'd you know?

He was looking for you yesterday.

Kate, why is he after you?

Can we talk later?

Where's your car? In the shop.

What's wrong? Carburetor.

How long will it take to fix?

Well, I told them not to rush.

I won't have the money until this weekend.

I'll give you the money.

Come on, Kate, it's 50 bucks.

That's okay.

Where'd you get that kind of money?

You ripped off Demesta!

Kate, how much did you take?

How much?

Twenty thousand.

Twenty thousand! Kate, you gotta give him back the money!

He'll kill you. Give him back the money,

that's all he wants. You'll be okay.

The only way I'll be okay is if I'm on my own.

No way, Kate. The guy's got connections.

He'll find you.

I saw him this morning.

Do you know an old guy with a Pierce Arrow?

Bill.

He's found you, Kate.

No, he hasn't. I'm not going back to Bill's.

And Bill doesn't know where I am.

That crazy guy could kill that old man.

Everyone's on his own.

Kate!

Roy, can I talk to you a second? In a second.

That's what I thought.

You went home and changed.

I lied to you.

I never picked up that package.

I kept Demesta's money.

It's here.

All but four bucks for the cab.

Why did you come back?

Demesta knows about you. He's crazy.

I don't want anything to happen to you.

Nothing's going to happen.

Not now.

Can't. Right.

When he comes I'll just give him the money.

That won't work.

That's all he wants, the money.

He'll leave me alone.

They never leave you alone, Kate.

Then what do I do?

You turn the money over to the police.

Okay?

Okay.

Thank you.

I love you, Kate.

Do they still say that, I love you?

Yes.

But right now we'd better get the hell out of here.

And I mean fast.

That's practical. My car's out front.

Where's my stuff?

I don't have it. Bull!

I want it, quick.

It... Don't tell him, Kate.

Shut up, Pop, or you're dead.

Oh, I'm going to kill you, old man.

Get your ass out of there.

You are through screwing me around.

Drop the knife.

Put down that knife.

Drop it or you're a shish kabob!

You'd better. He's nuts.

Drop it. Drop it!

Just in time.

Now go upstairs,

there's a large cloth sack in the second bedroom.

It's got chains on it. It's Max's escape sack.

Get it. Okay.

You won't do anything to him while I'm gone, will you?

I hope I don't have to. He's a good-looking kid.

I don't want to kill him.

Turn around.

I want your back towards me. Stay that way.

Look, Pop, why... Don't call me Pop.

Nobody calls me Pop but my daughter

and I don't allow her to call me Pop.

I wasn't gonna hurt the kid.

You've hurt the kid enough already.

Stand still and shut up.

Look, can't we make some kind of deal?

Not even if you were Monty Hall.

I got it. Good.

Now put it on the floor.

Spread it out as far as possible.

That's fine.

Now I want you to move,

slowly to the center of the sack.

Squat.

What? Squat.

Oh, Jesus.

Now put both hands on that sack.

Lift it slowly.

Above your shoulders.

Now, Kate, grab those cords and pull them tight.

Put your hands down in the sack.

Make a strong knot.

Lie down.

Listen, old man,

I'm not in this alone.

There are important people involved.

Very important people!

Sure, sure.

Tighten the chains and lock him in the sack.

You're making a big mistake.

Please shut up.

How's that? Good.

Now we don't need this anymore.

Oh, shit!

Now all we gotta do is call the police.

No phone.

We'll go next door and use the Waterman's phone. They'll love it.

They'll dine out on this story for a month.

Sorry to give you this problem, boys,

this is a Wellington lock.

Nobody knows how to open it.

Can he breathe?

Oh, sure. It's designed for escape artists,

of which, obviously, he's not one.

Thank you, boys.

Yeah, okay, Mr. Grant. We'll handle it.

As advertised,

Demesta has been taken care of.

You did it, Bill.

No, Pittsburgh, we did it.

We sure did.

Just you and me, kid.

Let's celebrate with a split of tomato juice.

Well, Daddy just will have to understand about the doctor.

My God, the police!

You hungry? Uh-huh.

Okay, kid, pick anything you want. You cook lunch.

Thank God you're all right.

Shirl, I've always been all right.

Harris.

Daddy, why were the police here?

They arrested the degenerate who was trying to harm the girl, Kate.

You must be relieved to learn it wasn't me.

Dad, Shirl didn't think it was you.

Nice try, Harris. But if I know Shirl...

Daddy, you don't know me any better than I know you.

Right. And that's what we have to correct.

We should go on a vacation.

The three of us. Take a cruise.

Spend a little time together.

Do some soul searching.

Do you really want to do that?

Hell, no.

But there's something I want you to do for me.

I'm trying to win you over.

What is it you want?

I've just had this crazy idea.

No, that's not true.

I had it a couple of hours ago.

It's a born-again crazy idea.

And when you hear it, I know what you're going to say.

It's a crazy idea. You're gonna resist it.

You're gonna turn it down. But once you think about it,

you'll find it appealing. Very intriguing.

All I ask is don't be so stubborn,

so obstinate that you won't admit it's a good idea.

Daddy, what is this leading up to?

Shirley, you're gonna be a mother.

The kid won Harris over in 10 minutes.

Maybe less.

But with Shirl it took a little longer, five days.

Are they friends now?

Kate is living at Shirl's. We get her on weekends.

You do work miracles, Bill.

That's my job.

I can't wait to meet Kate.

If you ever get your act together, you will.

She's downstairs.

Why didn't you bring her up?

She's protecting my car.

What happened to your rubber cones?

They were taken.

You should report that to the police.

It was the police that took 'em.

I'm ready.

Okay, let's go.

I'll bet you're glad to finally be leaving this place.

Ha!

Kate.

Kate, this is Max.

And, Max, this is Kate.

Hello. Hi.

Well, you're prettier than I was told.

So are you.

Well, let's go home.

Is this okay in the backseat

or do you want it in the trunk?

The back.

The trunk is for surprises.

Thank you.