Original subtitles

- ♪ I RISE TO A COLOR ♪

♪ SOME SHADE BUT ANOTHER ♪

♪ THAN YELLOW, GREEN, OR BLUE ♪

♪ THE SOUNDS OF ♪

♪ HAMMERS BANGING ♪

♪ TICK TOCK ♪

♪ THE CLOCK IS HANGING ♪

♪ IN THE EAR OF ♪

♪ YESTERDAY'S FOOL ♪

♪ I WAIT FOR AN HOUR ♪

♪ JUST TO GET IN THE SHOWER ♪

♪ AND WASH MY FACE IN THE SINK ♪

♪ OUTSIDE IT'S WINTER WEATHER ♪

♪ THE CALENDAR KNOWS BETTER ♪

♪ SOMEHOW IT'S A SUMMER'S DAY ♪

♪ THE CHILL HAS ME FREEZING ♪

♪ THERMOMETER'S BEEN EASING ♪

♪ TO A HUNDRED BELOW ♪

♪ IN THE SHADE ♪

♪ AS RAIN FILLS THE SKY ♪

♪ DON'T ASK ME WHY ♪

♪ IT COULD SNOW IN A MOMENT ♪

♪ I THINK ♪

♪ BUT IT'S A FABULOUS DAY ♪

♪ FABULOUS ♪

- OKAY, PEOPLE.

LET'S REMEMBER WHAT ARISTOTLE

SAID.

THE AIM OF ART IS TO REPRESENT

NOT THE OUTWARD APPEARANCE

OF THINGS BUT THEIR INWARD

SIGNIFICANCE.

ALL RIGHT, DOES ANYBODY HAVE

ANY QUESTIONS?

DYLAN.

- WHERE DO BABIES COME FROM?

- WHAT?

WELL...I...

UH, RIGHT.

YOU KNOW WHAT?

IF THERE AREN'T ANY QUESTIONS

ABOUT ART SPECIFICALLY,

THEN I THINK THAT'S IT

FOR TODAY.

YES, DYLAN, DO YOU HAVE TO GO

TO THE BATHROOM?

- NO, I WANT TO KNOW

WHERE BABIES COME FROM.

- I KNOW.

I HEARD YOU.

BUT WE'RE ALMOST OUT OF TIME.

SO MAYBE WE'LL TACKLE THAT

SUBJECT NEXT WEEK.

- BUT WE STILL HAVE

TWO MINUTES.

- THANK YOU FOR THAT, LUCY.

BUT PLEASE RAISE YOUR HAND

IF YOU WANT TO CONTRIBUTE TO

THE CLASS.

- WE STILL HAVE TWO MINUTES.

- OKAY, DYLAN, UM...

I THINK IT'S BEST IF YOU ASK

YOUR MOM AND DAD ABOUT THAT.

- I'LL TELL YOU LATER, DYLAN.

I KNOW.

- WAIT, NO, NO.

I DON'T THINK THAT'S A GOOD IDEA

EITHER.

- WELL, WHERE DO BABIES

COME FROM?

- YOU'LL NEVER BELIEVE IT WHEN

I TELL YOU.

IT'S WEIRD.

- WHOA, WHOA, IT'S NOT WEIRD.

IT'S NOT WEIRD.

IT'S, UH--IT'S NATURAL.

PLEASE DON'T LISTEN TO REGGIE

ABOUT THIS.

- WHO SHOULD WE LISTEN TO?

- ME, YOU SHOULD LISTEN TO ME.

I'M AN ADULT.

I KNOW ABOUT THESE THINGS.

- WHERE DO BABIES COME FROM?

- I'LL DRAW IT FOR YOU.

- NO, REGGIE, REG--

OKAY, DYLAN, YOU HAVE A MAN

AND A WOMAN, AND--

- WHAT IF IT'S TWO MEN

OR TWO WOMEN?

- THANK YOU AGAIN, LUCY.

BUT PLEASE, RAISE YOUR HAND.

OKAY, SO YOU HAVE A MAN AND

A WOMAN...

- HERE, IT'S LIKE THIS.

- NO, NO, NO, NO, NO.

NO, SORRY.

IT'S LIKE THIS.

PLEASE SIT DOWN, REGGIE.

THERE'S A MAN AND A WOMAN

WHO ARE HUSBAND AND WIFE...

YOUR MOTHER AND YOUR FATHER,

OKAY?

AND THEY HAVE A SPECIAL BOND.

THEY...

THEY HUG DEEPLY.

AND THEN, NINE MONTHS LATER--

- THEY HUG FOR NINE MONTHS?

- NO, THEY'RE LUCKY IF THEY

HUG FOR NINE MINUTES.

BUT THE POINT IS,

BECAUSE OF THIS BOND,

MUCH, MUCH LATER,

A BABY ARRIVES.

- FROM A STORK?

- YES.

YES, DYLAN, FROM A STORK.

- IS A STORK ANOTHER NAME

FOR A VAGINA?

- I THINK BABIES COME FROM...

- UM...

- HMM...

- I DON'T KNOW THAT.

- FROM...

- I THINK THAT BABIES COME FROM

THE SKY.

- FROM A TRUCK.

- I THINK BABIES COME FROM

THEIR MOTHER OR FATHER'S

STOMACH.

- A TRUCK?

THAT'S--THAT'S THE SILLIEST

THING I EVER HEARD.

- I DON'T KNOW, BUT ONE TIME,

I SAW ON THE COMPUTER

A PANDA HAVING A BABY.

AND IT JUST, LIKE, SHOOTS OUT

LIKE--BUUCCH!

AROUND 5 FEET.

AND I THINK THAT'S HOW

BABIES COME FROM.

- YEAH, A TRUCK!

- I THINK BABIES COME FROM

A BABY STORE.

- IF THEY WANT TO BUY THE BABY,

THEN THEY NEED TO JUST

PICK THEM UP.

- BUT--BUT DO WE HAVE SOME--

BUT DO WE--

DID YOU KNOW THAT WE'RE OUT

OF SOAP?

- YEAH.

- YEAH?

YOU KNEW AND YOU DIDN'T SAY

ANYTHING OR GOD FORBID, MAYBE

REPLACE THE SOAP?

- I DID REPLACE IT.

- NO, YOU DIDN'T.

- YEAH, I DID.

- HEY, I WAS JUST IN THE

SHOWER, AND THERE WAS NO SOAP.

- OH, WELL, THAT'S 'CAUSE

I HID IT UNDER THE LOOFAH.

MM-HMM.

- YOU--YOU HIDE SOAP?

- MM-HMM.

- YOU HIDE SOAP FROM ME, WHY?

- PAYBACK.

BESIDES THE FACT THAT YOU NEVER

REPLACE THE SOAP,

YOU NEVER REPLACE

THE TOILET PAPER.

- WELL, I NEVER FINISH--

- LEAVING ONE SQUARE

ON THE ROLL IS FINISHING IT.

- NO, NO, YOU KNOW WHAT?

BY DEFINITION, "FINISHING IT"

IS FINISHING IT.

AND IF I FINISHED IT,

I'D REPLACE IT.

- THE ONLY REASON YOU NEVER

FINISH IT IS BECAUSE YOU USE

KLEENEX INSTEAD OF TOILET PAPER

WHEN IT'S DOWN TO ONE SQUARE.

- HOW'D YOU KNOW THAT?

- BECAUSE I TESTED YOU.

THE LAST TIME THERE WAS

ONE SQUARE LEFT ON THE ROLL,

IT LASTED SIX DAYS.

SO THAT MEANS YOU EITHER WIPED

YOUR BUTT WITH KLEENEX

OR YOU NEED MORE FIBER

IN YOUR DIET.

- SO WHAT DID YOU DO FOR

SIX DAYS WITH NO TOILET PAPER?

- I HID IT BEHIND THE PLUNGER.

- I LOVE YOU.

- YOU SHOULD.

WITHOUT ME, YOU'D BE WALKING

AROUND WITH DINGLEBERRIES

BETWEEN YOUR LEGS.

- YOU'RE DISGUSTING.

- WELL, YOU'RE LAZY.

- WELL, THANK GOD I'M LAZY,

BECAUSE LAZY PEOPLE ARE THE

MOST IMPORTANT PEOPLE

IN THE WORLD.

- OH, YEAH?

- YEAH, YEAH, LAZINESS BREEDS

EFFICIENCY.

IT'S BECAUSE OF THE LAZY PEOPLE

THAT WE HAVE REMOTE CONTROL,

AUTOMATIC TRANSMISSION, GO-GURT.

- GO-GURT?

- IT'S ALL THE HANDIWORK

OF THE LAZIES.

HEY.

I LOVE YOU.

- YEAH.

- YEAH?

I LOVE YOU TOO MAYBE?

EVERY ONCE IN A WHILE WOULD BE

NICE TO HEAR.

- I SHOULD GO.

- WHY, YOU DON'T WANT TO

SPEND THE NIGHT?

- NO, I WANT TO,

BUT I DON'T TRUST YOU

TO KEEP YOUR HANDS TO YOURSELF.

- I SWEAR I WON'T TOUCH YOU.

- YEAH, LAST TIME

YOU SAID THAT, I GOT ABOUT

15 MINUTES OF SLEEP.

- WELL, STAY THE NIGHT AND

I CAN PROMISE YOU AT LEAST 30.

NO, OH, TIFF, PLEASE.

I CAN'T. I CAN'T.

I GOT DEADLINES; I CAN'T.

- OH, YUCK, DEADLINES.

YOU SOUND LIKE MY EX.

- I HAD A GREAT TIME TONIGHT.

- ME TOO.

- BUT I WISH YOU WOULDN'T PAY

FOR DINNER.

- I DIDN'T.

NED DID.

THAT'S THE JOY OF ALIMONY.

- STILL, IF WE WANT THIS TO

WORK OUT, YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO

START TREATING ME LIKE AN ADULT.

- I AGREE.

I UNDERSTAND 100%.

YOU NEED HELP WITH YOUR LACES?

- HA-HA-HA.

SO WHEN DOES JENNA GET BACK FROM

SPRING BREAK?

- DID YOU JUST SAY THAT

TO MAKE ME FEEL OLD?

- NO, NO, I JUST WANT TO KNOW

HOW MUCH LONGER I HAVE YOU

TO MYSELF BEFORE YOUR TEENAGE

DAUGHTER COMES HOME.

- MM-HMM.

I WILL SNEAK YOU IN

THROUGH THE BEDROOM WINDOW.

- OH, MY GOD.

- MM-MM, NO, NO.

NO, I GOT TO--

I KNOW WHAT YOU'RE DOING.

IT'S NOT GONNA WORK.

- WHAT AM I DOING?

- YOU'RE TRYING TO SEDUCE ME,

MRS. MILTON.

- OH, THAT'S A CHEAP SHOT.

RUN ALONG, LITTLE BOY.

GO HOME.

- SEE YOU IN A COUPLE OF DAYS?

WILL?

COULD YOU DO ME A QUICK FAVOR

BEFORE YOU GO?

THERE'S A BOX IN THE STUDY.

COULD YOU JUST CLOSE IT UP

AND PUT IT ON THE TOP SHELF

OF THE CLOSET?

- YEAH, SURE.

- THANKS.

AND DON'T LOOK INSIDE.

- I LOVE THIS NEIGHBORHOOD.

WHEN DID YOU MOVE IN?

- UM, I DON'T KNOW,

ABOUT A MONTH AGO.

I LIKE WHAT YOU'VE DONE

WITH THE PLACE.

- THANKS.

I'M STILL UNPACKING OBVIOUSLY.

CAN I, UM, OFFER YOU SOMETHING

TO DRINK?

AND PLEASE SAY BEER.

IF YOU DON'T SAY BEER,

I CAN ONLY OFFER YOU

SOME RUBBING ALCOHOL

IN THE BATHROOM.

I WOULD LOVE A BEER.

- GREAT.

- SO, UM, I GOT TO TELL YOU,

I DIDN'T KNOW WHAT TO EXPECT.

YOU KNOW, MOST OF MY BLIND DATES

END DISASTROUSLY.

- WELL, WE STILL HAVE TIME.

SO WHAT DID WENDY TELL YOU

ABOUT ME?

- UH, THAT YOU HAD A GREAT

PERSONALITY.

- UGH, AND YOU STILL WANTED

TO GO OUT WITH ME?

- AND THAT YOU WERE EASY.

I AM NOT EASY.

I'M JUST--I'M HIGHLY AMENABLE.

WHATEVER YOU DO, DON'T KISS ME.

- SHOULD WE DO IT NOW?

- NO, LET'S WAIT.

- WHAT'S WRONG?

- NOTHING.

- AM I STILL WAITING?

- MM-HMM.

- OKAY.

- OKAY, THIS IS GONNA HURT ME

A LOT MORE THAN IT'S GONNA

HURT YOU.

- JUST--LET'S DO THIS.

- OKAY.

I'M REALLY AFRAID I'M NOT GONNA

BE VERY GOOD AT THIS.

- I--I'M A LITTLE AFRAID OF

THAT TOO, BUT I THINK

WE CAN DO IT.

- WHOO, OH, GOD.

- OKAY?

- WHAT DO I DO?

DO I JAM THE WHOLE THING IN?

- HOLD IT LIKE A PENCIL.

- THE TIP?

- HOLD IT LIKE A PENCIL.

HOLD IT AT A 90-DEGREE ANGLE

TO MY SKIN AND THEN YOU JUST--

JUST DO IT REALLY QUICKLY

LIKE A DART, LIKE A DART.

- OKAY, BUT I DON'T

THROW IT IN.

- I'M--SHOULD I JUST GET BETSY

TO DO THIS AT THE OFFICE?

BECAUSE...

- NO, NO, I CAN DO THIS.

- AND DON'T FORGET.

WHEN YOU PUT THE--

AFTER YOU PUT THE NEEDLE IN,

JUST PULL IT OUT A TINY BIT,

CHECK FOR BLOOD.

IF THERE'S NO BLOOD,

THEN PUT THE MEDICINE IN, OKAY?

- OKAY, BUT IF THERE'S BLOOD,

YOU KNOW, LIKE I MIGHT--

I MIGHT PASS OUT.

- I KNOW.

- LIKE, FOR REAL.

- THERE'S NOT GONNA BE BLOOD.

- OKAY, BUT IF THERE IS,

YOU'RE GONNA HAVE A NEEDLE STUCK

IN YOUR BUTT, AND I'M GONNA BE

PASSED OUT ON THE GROUND.

MAYBE I SHOULD PUT SOME PILLOWS

DOWN OR SOMETHING

LIKE A STUNTMAN HAS.

- YOU KNOW WHAT?

AM I JUST GONNA DO THIS?

- I DON'T WANT TO HURT MYSELF.

- GIVE ME THE NEEDLE.

GIVE ME THE NEEDLE.

- OH, NO-NO, NO.

I'M GONNA DO THIS.

LET'S GO.

I'M READY.

- I KNOW; YOU CAN DO THIS.

- ON THREE.

- MM-HMM.

- ONE.

- YEAH.

- TWO.

- OKAY.

- TWO AND A HALF.

- BRIAN.

OW, OW!

- SORRY, I'M SORRY.

- FUCKER!

THAT HURTS.

- YOU SAID LIKE A DART.

- WELL, NOT LIKE A FRICKIN'

JAVELIN.

- WELL, I'M SORRY.

WHAT DO I DO NOW?

- UGH, PULL IT OUT A LITTLE

BIT, SEE IF THERE'S BLOOD.

- OKAY.

- OH, THAT'S HURTING ME.

- OKAY, OKAY, OKAY, OKAY.

NO--THERE'S NO BLOOD.

- GOOD, THEN WOULD YOU PUSH

THE MEDICINE IN?

- OKAY, I'M GO--

- UGH.

- CAN YOU BE NICE TO ME?

- CAN--

I HAVE GOT A NEEDLE IN MY ASS

RIGHT NOW!

- OKAY, OKAY, HERE WE GO.

READY?

- OH, OW!

- EWW, GROSS.

OKAY, IT'S SO GROSS.

OKAY, OKAY.

THE MEDICINE'S IN.

- OKAY, GREAT, GREAT.

WHAT ARE YOU DOING?

- I DON'T KNOW.

I'M WAITING.

WHAT DO I DO NOW?

- GET YOURSELF A HAM SANDWICH.

PULL IT OUT!

ACH.

- OH, THERE'S BLOOD, BABE.

OH, THERE'S BLOOD.

- OF COURSE THERE'S BLOOD,

YOU FRICKIN' STABBED ME.

- OH, I DON'T FEEL GOOD.

- FOR GOD'S SAKE.

- ARE YOU OKAY?

- YES!

- ARE YOU OKAY?

I'M SORRY.

I'M SORRY, BABE.

- AHH.

THIS IS NOT GONNA WORK.

- SO MUCH BLOOD, BABE.

- NEXT TIME, I'M JUST DOING IT

MYSELF.

- THERE WAS SO MUCH BLOOD.

- UGH, YOU ARE A CHAMP.

- SHH, COME ON, COME ON.

COME ON, COME ON.

UH, HONEY?

- IN THE BATHROOM.

- YEAH, I THINK HE'S HUNGRY.

- MAYBE YOU DIDN'T HEAR ME,

SWEETIE.

I SAID I'M IN THE BATHROOM.

- YEAH.

- YOU THINK YOU COULD DEAL WITH

OUR KID FOR, LIKE, ONE SECOND?

- YEAH, I GOT HIM.

I'M JUST SAYING...

OH, SHH.

OH, SHH.

OH, SHH.

HEY, HEY, HEY.

SHE'S GONNA BE HERE ANY MINUTE.

SAMMY, COME ON.

COME ON.

BABY?

AH.

SHH, HERE SHE COMES.

- COME HERE.

- MORNING.

- HEY, DID YOU TAKE A SHOWER?

- WHY?

- WHAT DO YOU MEAN, "WHY?"

YOU WERE JUST ALL SWEATY.

- I'M NOT SWEATY ANYMORE.

- WELL, YOU--STILL ON YOU.

- YOU KNOW, WE SWEAT IN THIS

BED MORE THAN WE SLEEP IN IT.

- THAT'S SEX SWEAT,

NOT BASKETBALL SWEAT.

- THERE'S A DIFFERENCE?

- YES, DID YOU TAKE A SHOWER?

- DID YOU HEAR ME

TAKE A SHOWER?

- GO TAKE A FUCKING SHOWER,

HON.

- BABE, I'M NOT SWEATY.

I'M NOT SWEATY.

MMM.

- YOU TASTE SWEATY.

- WHAT DOES SWEAT TASTE LIKE?

- SALT, YOU TASTE SALTY.

- MAYBE IT IS SALT.

- MMM?

- MAYBE I SALTED MY WHOLE BODY

BEFORE I CAME IN HERE.

- AH, DID YOU?

- NO.

- NO, YOU DIDN'T, NO.

SO WHY DON'T YOU...

- MMM.

- GO TAKE A SHOWER?

OKAY.

PAIN IN MY ASS.

- I LOVE YOU.

THANK YOU.

- FUCK YOU!

- YOU DANCING?

BA-BA-BA-BA.

- ♪ AS WE CUT OFF ♪

♪ OUR LEGS AND HEADS ♪

♪ PEOPLE LOOK ROUND ♪

- CAN I TAKE YOUR ORDER?

- HI.

WHAT DO YOU WANT?

- UM, COKE, FRIES, A BURGER

WITH EVERYTHING.

- ALL RIGHT.

WILL THAT BE ALL?

- COULD YOU GIVE US ONE SECOND?

BEFORE YOU ORDER THAT,

I WOULD LIKE TO POINT OUT

THAT WHEN COWS ARE SLAUGHTERED,

THEY ARE SHOCKED WITH ELECTRIC

PRODS AND HERDED ONTO

THE KILLING FLOOR.

THEN THEY ARE HOISTED UP

BY ONE LEG AND HUNG ON

A PROCESSING LINE.

THEN THEIR NECKS ARE SLIT OPEN,

CUTTING THE JUGULAR VEIN

AS THEY SLOWLY BLEED TO DEATH.

- HELLO, CAN I TAKE YOUR ORDER?

- IF--IF THEY HAPPEN TO SOMEHOW

MIRACULOUSLY CHEAT DEATH,

THEN THE ANIMALS ARE FULLY

CONSCIOUS AS THEY REACH

THE SCALDING TANK, AS THEY MOO

FOR MERCY WHILE THEY'RE BEING

BOILED ALIVE.

SO TELL ME,

DO YOU WANT TO

CHANGE YOUR ORDER?

- DEFINITELY CHANGING MY ORDER.

UM, COULD YOU HOLD THE MAYO?

- AND YOU?

- SORRY ABOUT THAT.

SO WE'LL TAKE A COMBINATION

NUMBER ONE, NO MAYO,

AND A CAESAR SALAD,

DRESSING ON THE SIDE WITH

A DIET COKE, THANKS.

- CHICKEN CAESAR?

- HEY, BABY.

WHAT THE FUCK?

- GET YOUR SHIT OUT!

- PUT THE FUCKING BAT DOWN.

- SHUT UP!

JUST SHUT UP AND GET OUT!

I DON'T EVEN WANT TO

LOOK AT YOU RIGHT NOW.

- THAT WAS A $900 TV.

- GET OUT, ERIC.

- JESUS CHRIST, CARLA,

WOULD YOU LOOK WHAT YOU DID

TO THE TV?

THAT'S MY BAT.

THAT'S MY SIGNED YANKEES BAT.

YOU KNOW WHAT?

I'M NOT EVEN GONNA MENTION

THE FUCKIN' BAT RIGHT NOW!

- GET OUT, ERIC.

GET OUT!

DON'T TALK TO ME.

DON'T LOOK AT ME.

JUST GET OUT.

IT'S OVER, GOOD-BYE.

- ♪ GUITAR ON THE FLOOR ♪

♪ AND MY GIRL ON HIS LAP ♪

♪ SO I TAPPED OFF ♪

- YOU DIDN'T EVEN ASK ME WHY?

WHY DID I FUCK UP

THE TELEVISION?

YOU JUST SAID,

THAT'S A $900 TV.

THAT'S ALL YOU CAN SAY.

NOT, "CARLA, CLEARLY SOMETHING

IS WRONG.

LET'S TALK ABOUT THIS."

NO, "THAT WAS A $900 TV."

OH, "YOU RUINED MY BAT"?

- WE--

- ERIC, I AM SICK OF IT, ERIC.

I AM SICK OF YOUR SELFISH--

ME, ME, ME, ME--ALL THE TIME.

IF JUST ONCE

YOU THOUGHT OF ME FIRST.

IF JUST ONCE YOU SAID

THE RIGHT THING,

DID THE RIGHT THING FOR ME.

IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?

- WHOA, WHOA, WHOA,

WAIT A MINUTE.

OF COURSE, I AM GONNA MAKE A BIG

DEAL ABOUT THIS.

YOU JUST DEEP TO THE OUTFIELD

WITH THE FUCKIN' FLAT SCREEN.

NOW, WHAT IS WRONG?

- YOU.

YOU ARE WRONG.

- WHY ME?

- THE MONEY.

YOU TOOK MY MONEY.

- NO, NO, NO, NO.

OUR MONEY--IT IS OUR BANK

ACCOUNT.

- WHO PUT THAT MONEY INTO

OUR BANK ACCOUNT?

- THAT'S NOT THE POINT.

- ERIC, I HAD BEEN SAVING

THAT MONEY FOR TWO YEARS.

WHAT WAS IT?

BASKETBALL?

FOOTBALL?

FUCKING ICE SKATING?

- LOOK, I WILL GET IT BACK.

- GREAT.

YOU CAN MAIL ME THAT MONEY

FROM YOUR NEW ADDRESS.

- I'LL GET IT BACK.

I PROMISE.

- I AM NOT BETTING ON YOU

ANYMORE, ERIC.

- ♪ I KILLED ROBERT JOHNSON ♪

♪ WITH STRYCHNINE ♪

♪ RODE DOWN, RODE DOWN ♪

♪ RODE DOWN ♪

- WHAT IS THIS?

- UH, A VIDEO CAMERA.

- VHS.

- YOU KNOW WHAT VHS IS?

- YES, I ONCE HEARD

MY FOREFATHERS SPEAK OF SUCH

A DEVICE.

QUESTION IS, WHAT ARE YOU DOING

WITH IT?

- I FOUND IT IN THE ATTIC.

I WAS JUST, YOU KNOW,

REMINISCING, LOOKING AT SOME

OLD VIDEO.

- VIDEO?

WHAT KIND OF VIDEO?

- PERSONAL VIDEO.

- A SEX TAPE?

- I THOUGHT YOU HAD TO GET

TO WORK.

- ANSWER THE QUESTION.

- YES, WILL, I WAS LOOKING AT

OLD SEX TAPES.

- TAPES?

WELL, HOW MANY HAVE YOU...MADE?

- A FEW...

DOZEN.

WHAT?

OH, COME ON, IT'S NOT

A COMPETITION.

LIKE, YOU'VE NEVER MADE

A SEX TAPE.

- YEAH, YOU KNOW, I SEXTED

A GIRL IN HIGH SCHOOL ONCE.

- SEXTED?

- YEAH, I TEXTED HER A PICTURE

OF MY DICK, AND SHE SENT ME

A PICTURE OF HER BOOBS.

- WOW, THAT SOUNDS FUN.

- OH, THAT'S IT.

IT'S ON.

- WHAT?

WHAT IS ON?

- OH, WE'RE GONNA MAKE

A SEX TAPE.

AND IT'S GONNA BE SO HOT

THAT THE NEXT TIME SOMEBODY ASKS

YOU HOW MANY SEX TAPES YOU'VE

MADE, YOU'RE ONLY GONNA BE ABLE

TO THINK OF ONE.

- OH, MAKING BABIES IS HARD.

HOW OFTEN DO WE HAVE TO DO THIS?

- THREE TIMES A WEEK.

- OOH, NO, NO, ACTUALLY

THAT'S NOT GOOD.

- OH, I KNOW.

THAT'S WHAT I'M THINKING.

- I THINK YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO

FIND A DIFFERENT LIFE PARTNER.

- I KNOW.

I THINK YOU MIGHT BE RIGHT.

- OH.

- WELL, YOU'LL BE HAPPY TO KNOW

NOW WE GET TO DO THE FUN PART.

- YOU'RE GONNA WATCH ME

PLAY VIDEO GAMES?

- NO, I'M OVULATING.

WE'RE GONNA HAVE SEX.

- OH, NO.

- WHAT?

- OH, SHIT.

- WHAT?

- I DID IT A LITTLE WHILE AGO

WITH MYSELF IN THE BATHROOM.

- BABE!

YOU MASTURBATED?

- I HAD TO.

- YOU CANNOT MASTURBATE WHILE

WE ARE TRYING TO GET PREGNANT.

- WHY NOT?

I DIDN'T KNOW.

- I'M OVULATING!

I ONLY HAVE, LIKE, 12 HOURS!

THIS IS IT.

- WELL, I FORGOT--12 HOURS.

- I DON'T CARE.

YOU KNOW WHAT?

TAKE YOUR FRICKIN' CLOTHES OFF.

WE'RE FUCKING.

- I HAVE TO TAKE A RAIN CHECK.

- NOPE.

- RESPECTFULLY, I HAVE TO TAKE

A RAIN CHECK.

- YOU CANNOT TAKE A RAIN CHECK.

TAKE YOUR CLOTHES OFF.

YOU ARE FUCKING ME RIGHT NOW.

- HONEY?

- AH, YEAH?

- YOU FEEL ME WET INSIDE YOU?

- YEAH, YEAH, OH, BABY.

- IT'S SO WET ON TOP OF YOU.

- YEAH.

- SO WET INSIDE YOU.

- GOD, YEAH.

- SO WHAT'S THE FUCKIN'

BIG DEAL?

WHY DO I GOT TO TAKE A SHOWER?

- OH, MY GOD.

YOU--YOU HAVE TEN SECONDS

TO DROP THIS SHIT AND MOVE ON.

- OR WHAT?

- OR YOU'LL BE FINISHING

YOURSELF OFF WITH YOUR HAND

ON THE COUCH.

- I'M JUST SAYING.

I JUST WANT TO FUCKIN' KNOW.

LOOK, YOU'RE SWEATIER THAN I

EVER WAS AT MY SWEATIEST, BABY,

AND WE'RE IN BED.

SO I JUST WANT TO KNOW:

WHY DO I GOT TO TAKE A SHOWER?

- TEN, NINE, EIGHT--

- YOU KNOW WHAT?

YOU GO COUNT ALL YOU WANT.

- SEVEN.

- I'LL GO FINISH MYSELF OFF

ON THE COUCH.

I HAVE MORE FUN WITHOUT YOU.

- FIVE?

- YEAH.

- FOUR.

THREE.

- COME ON, GINA, DON'T BE

A BITCH.

- ONE.

- FORGET IT.

OH, YOU FUCKING SUCK.

YOU KNOW THAT?

- I KNOW.

- WHAT'S THE DEAL?

- WHAT DEAL?

- THE STICKY NOTE?

SWEETIE, ON THE MIRROR.

I 'HEART' YOU?

SERIOUSLY?

- MM-HMM, 'CAUSE I DO.

- HMM.

- WHAT?

I--IT'S A SWEET NOTHING.

- A SWEET NOTHING?

MARK, COME ON.

- WHAT?

- HONEY, NEVER ONCE IN 11 YEARS

HAVE YOU LEFT ME

A SWEET NOTHING.

- I CAN'T BELIEVE THIS.

YOU'RE ANGRY AT ME BECAUSE

I LEFT YOU A LOVE NOTE.

- NO, NO, NO, I'M NOT ANGRY.

I'M SUSPICIOUS.

- WELL, I'LL THINK OF THAT

THE NEXT TIME I FEEL LIKE DOING

SOMETHING NICE.

- OH, OKAY.

SO WHAT'D YOU DO?

WHAT DO YOU WANT?

- YOU'RE CRAZY.

- NO, I'M NOT CRAZY.

YOU--ONE OF TWO THINGS IS GOING

ON HERE: EITHER YOU DID

SOMETHING, SOMETHING STUPID,

AND THAT'S A PREEMPTIVE MOVE

TO MAKE SURE THAT I DON'T

GET MAD LATER;

OR YOU WANT SOMETHING.

- YOU'RE DERANGED.

- REALLY, I AM?

OKAY, WHAT'D YOU DO?

WHAT DO YOU WANT?

- I DIDN'T DO ANYTHING.

I DON'T WANT ANYTHING.

YOU'RE PARANOID.

- I BETTER BE.

- YOU ARE.

- OKAY.

- I'M CONCERNED.

- UH-HUH.

OKAY.

- OKAY.

HONEY?

THANK YOU FOR THE NICE...

STICKY NOTE.

- YOU'RE WELCOME.

- I JUST WANT TO KNOW THAT

YOU'RE OKAY WITH IT BEING ME.

- SWEETIE, WE DISCUSSED THIS.

IT'S BETTER IF IT'S YOU.

- I KNOW, BUT I JUST FEEL LIKE

I FORCED YOU INTO THE DECISION.

- OKAY, SO HOW IS THAT

DIFFERENT FROM EVERY OTHER

DECISION WE EVER MAKE

AS A COUPLE?

- I JUST DON'T--

- SWEETIE, IT'S GOOD.

THIS FEELS RIGHT.

BESIDES, IF I HAVE A BABY,

I'M GONNA DIE.

HAVE YOU SEEN MY HIPS?

- WHAT ARE YOU SAYING ABOUT

MY HIPS?

- I LOVE YOUR HIPS.

- I KNOW, BUT IF YOU JUST WANT

TO DISCUSS IT, THEN WE CAN TALK

ABOUT IT RIGHT NOW.

- I'M HAPPY, NIK, REALLY.

- I KNOW, BUT I JUST DON'T

WANT YOU TO RESENT ME.

- I LIKE IT THIS WAY.

OKAY, UH,

LET ME JUST LOOK AT IT:

VOMITING, BLOATING, NAUSEA,

NO ALCOHOL, CANKLES,

FLINTSTONE FEET, HEMORRHOIDS,

INSOMNIA, STRETCH MARKS,

MEMORY LOSS, BACK ACHES,

PELVIC PAIN, POSTPARTUM

BLEEDING, POSTPARTUM DEPRESSION,

NIPPLE BLISTERS,

HAVING TO WEAR A SUPPORT BRA

FOR THE NEXT TWO YEARS.

YOU KNOW WHAT?

I THINK I'M ALL SET.

YOU'RE REALLY NOT GONNA GET

ANY RESENTMENT FROM ME.

- THANK YOU, BABY.

IT'S SO SWEET.

THANK YOU.

- YOU'RE GONNA BE AMAZING.

- WHAT IF THAT STUFF HAPPENS

TO ME, THOUGH?

- WHAT ARE YOU WORRIED ABOUT?

HALF THOSE THINGS HAPPEN

TO YOU ALREADY.

- I DO NOT GET NIPPLE BLISTERS.

- OKAY, SO WE'LL BOTTLE-FEED.

- OH, NO, NO, NO.

HEALTH--HEALTH-WISE, IT'S BETTER

TO JUST, YOU KNOW, FROM

THE BREAST.

GOOD FOR THE IMMUNE SYSTEM.

GOOD FOR BONDING.

- BABY, IT'S GONNA BE FINE.

YOU'RE GONNA BE FINE.

THE BABY'S GONNA BE FINE.

SHOULD WE?

- NO, NO, NO, I'M NOT READY.

NOT YET.

- OKAY, OKAY.

- IT'S AMAZING, HUH?

- WHAT, THAT HE'S ACTUALLY

QUIET?

- NO, THAT HE'S SIX WEEKS OLD,

TODAY, EXACTLY SIX WEEKS

OLD TODAY.

FUCK YOU, MARK.

I AM NOT HAVING SEX WITH YOU.

- WHAT?

- THAT'S WHAT THIS WAS ABOUT?

THE STICKY NOTE?

I 'HEART' YOU.

BECAUSE YOU WANT TO HAVE SEX

TONIGHT?

- I MEAN, I'VE BEEN THINKING.

- UH-HUH.

- BUT THE TWO THINGS AREN'T

ANYTHING TO DO WITH ONE ANOTHER.

SEX AND THE NOTE--

THEY'RE MUTUALLY EXCLUSIVE.

- YOU ARE SO FULL OF SHIT.

- COULD YOU NOT IN FRONT OF

THE BABY?

WHAT DO YOU THINK HE'S THINKING

RIGHT NOW?

- I THINK HE'S THINKING THAT

HIS DAD'S A SELFISH DOUCHE BAG.

- OKAY, ALL--ALL I'M SAYING

IS THAT THE DOCTOR SAID

WAIT FOUR TO SIX WEEKS

FOR CLEARANCE.

- DID YOU SEE WHAT WENT ON

DOWN THERE SIX WEEKS AGO, MARK?

- DID I ASK YOU AT WEEK FOUR?

NO.

- IT WAS LIKE A GRENADE

WENT OFF.

- DID I ASK YOU AT WEEK FIVE?

NO.

- I CAN'T BELIEVE YOU.

GOD.

- BABE, I MISS YOU.

I WANT TO MAKE LOVE TO YOU

AGAIN.

- OKAY, SAVE IT, MARK.

SERIOUSLY, IT'S NOT HAPPENING,

REALLY.

- OKAY.

- OKAY.

- I JUST WANT YOU TO KNOW

THAT I'M READY WHENEVER YOU ARE.

- OH, OKAY.

THANK YOU.

I WILL--I WILL CAREFULLY

CONSIDER THAT THE NEXT TIME

THAT I AM FEELING

EVEN REMOTELY SEXUAL, OKAY?

- BABE, FROM NOW ON, NO MORE

JERKING OFF.

- ALL RIGHT.

- WHAT'D YOU HAVE FOR LUNCH

TODAY?

- HOT DOGS.

- NO, YOU CAN'T DO THAT

ANYMORE.

YOU GOT TO START EATING REALLY,

REALLY WELL.

YOU GOT TO HAVE A DIET

HIGH IN ZINC AND ANTIOXIDANTS.

WE NEED TO UP YOUR CALCIUM

INTAKE, YOUR VITAMIN "D"

INTAKE--ALL OF THAT

INCREASES TESTOSTERONE

AND SPERM COUNT.

- OKAY, GOOD,

I CAN EAT ALL THAT.

- AND NO MORE DRINKING.

NO MORE ALCOHOL.

NO MORE CAFFEINE.

NO MORE SODAS.

- WHAT?

- YES.

- REALLY?

- YEAH, SERIOUSLY.

SUGAR IS BAD.

HERBS, FLAX SEED, ALL THAT.

- BABE, I LOVE FLAX SEED.

- BABE, YOU DON'T EVEN KNOW

WHAT FLAX SEED IS.

AND YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO

SWITCH TO BOXERS.

- WHAT, NO.

THAT'S A NO-GO, BABE.

I WEAR BRIEFS.

I NEED SUPPORT.

- NOPE.

OVERHEATED TESTICLES INHIBIT

SPERM PRODUCTION.

- I KNOW YOU HAVE TO SAY THAT

AT THE HOSPITAL 'CAUSE YOU'RE

A NURSE, BUT AT HOME,

COULD YOU CALL THEM BALLS?

- NO.

- CAN'T YOU SAY LIKE,

YOUR HOT BALLS AREN'T GOOD FOR

MAKIN' BABIES?

- NO, NO HOT BALLS.

NO HOT SAUNAS.

NO HOT BATHS.

NO BIKING.

- WHAT, BABE, I BIKE TO LIVE.

BABE, SERIOUSLY, I HAVE TO WEAR

BRIEFS BECAUSE OTHERWISE,

MY BALLS WILL START SAGGING.

HAVE YOU EVER SEEN MY DAD'S

BALLS?

- BABE, DON'T TALK TO

ME ABOUT YOUR DAD'S BALLS.

I HAVE TO FUCK YOU RIGHT NOW.

IT'S ONLY FOR

A COUPLE OF MONTHS.

- WOULD YOU GO WITHOUT A BRA

FOR A COUPLE OF MONTHS?

- IF IT GOT ME PREGNANT.

- ALL RIGHT, FINE.

YOU DON'T HAVE TO SCREAM AT ME.

- YOU KNOW, BRIAN, YOU'RE

REALLY STRESSING ME OUT.

AND I'M NOT SUPPOSED TO BE

STRESSED.

IT CAN GET IN THE WAY OF

THE CYCLE OF OVULATION.

- WELL, I'M SORRY, I GUESS

I DIDN'T REALIZE THIS WHOLE

OVULATION THING WAS HAPPENING

RIGHT NOW.

- YEAH, IN THE NEXT COUPLE

DAYS.

- WAIT, IF IT'S IN THE NEXT

COUPLE DAYS, WHAT'S THE HURRY?

- NO, NO, NO, IT'S REALLY

GOOD TO HAVE INTERCOURSE

BEFORE YOU OVULATE BECAUSE IT

INCREASES THE CHANCES

FOR PREGNANCY.

THOSE LITTLE GUYS CAN LIVE

UP THERE FOR, LIKE, FOUR OR

FIVE DAYS.

- EWW, REALLY?

THAT'S KIND OF CREEPY.

- WHAT ARE YOU WAITING FOR?

- OH, I DON'T KNOW.

I THOUGHT YOU'RE GONNA HELP ME

GET THIS PARTY STARTED.

- NO, NO, NO, NO, NO.

WE GOT TO DO MISSIONARY

POSITION, BABE.

YOU GOT TO BE ON TOP.

IT'S BETTER FOR PENETRATION.

- UH, THAT JUST SOUNDS LAZY

ON YOUR PART, TO BE HONEST.

- AND, BIG GUY, I GOT

A NEWS FLASH FOR YOU:

I HAVE TO HAVE AN ORGASM BECAUSE

THE CONTRACTION HELPS GET

THE SPERM UP INTO THE CERVIX.

- I'D LIKE TO SEE PROOF OF THAT

IN WRITING, PLEASE.

- BABE...

- WHAT ARE YOU DOING?

- SHH.

- DO NOT SHUSH ME.

- I AM FANTASIZING.

TRY TO PRETEND THAT YOU'RE NOT

HERE.

BABE, I CAN DO THAT FOR YOU

IF YOU WANT.

- WE HAVE TO BE AT THE

JACOBSONS IN 35 MINUTES, OKAY?

I'M GONNA HAVE TO LIE HERE WITH

MY HIPS ELEVATED FOR 20 MINUTES.

IT TAKES NINE MINUTES

TO GET OVER THERE,

WHICH MEANS WE HAVE EXACTLY

SIX MINUTES TO GET THIS DONE.

- OH, BABE.

- MMM.

- ALL THIS SEXY SCHEDULE TALK

HAS GOT ME ROCK HARD.

LET'S DO THIS.

ARE YOU REALLY NOT GONNA HELP?

ALL RIGHT, FINE.

TWO CAN PLAY AT THIS GAME.

- DID YOU FART?

- THIS IS REALLY ROMANTIC,

BY THE WAY.

SUPER--

- SHH.

- SEXY.

- SHH.

- ♪ HA-HA-HA-HA ♪

♪ EASY BABY ♪

- HEY, YOU WANT TO, UH...

YOU WANT TO DO IT?

- DO IT?

- YEAH, YOU WANT TO?

YOU WANT TO DO IT?

- WHAT ARE YOU, 12?

- WHAT, I CAN'T SAY, "DO IT"?

- NO, NOT UNLESS YOU JUST

TOOK ME TO THE PROM.

- OKAY, YOU WANT TO, UH...

YOU WANT--YOU WANT TO FUCK?

- COULD YOU JUST COME UP WITH

A HAPPY MEDIUM BETWEEN

DO IT AND "FUCK"?

- WELL, CONGRATULATIONS.

I'M NO LONGER IN THE MOOD.

OKAY, LET'S DO IT.

- SORRY.

- LAST CHANCE, GOING ONCE--

- YOU KNOW, MAYBE WHEN

I LEARN HOW TO PROPERLY--

- GOING TWICE,

GOING THREE TIMES,

FOUR, FIVE, SIX, REALLY?

COME ON, REALLY?

- OKAY.

LET'S DO IT.

- WOW, YOU REALLY DON'T SEEM

LIKE YOU WANT TO.

- I DON'T--I DON'T UNDERSTAND.

I DON'T WANT TO WHAT?

- OH, MY GOD.

WE'RE GONNA DO THIS AGAIN?

- NO, I WANT TO KNOW.

I JUST WANT TO KNOW HOW YOU

ARE SUPPOSED TO PROPERLY ASK

YOUR SPOUSE--

- HAVE SEX.

DO YOU WANT TO HAVE SEX?

- YES.

CAN I JUST FINISH THIS CHAPTER

FIRST?

I'M, LIKE, A PAGE AND A HALF.

- SURE.

- THANKS.

- J.T., IT REALLY BOTHERS ME

THAT YOU EAT MEAT.

- WHAT DO YOU WANT FROM ME?

ALL RIGHT, IT'S MEAT.

IT'S A FOOD GROUP.

- NO, IT'S NOT.

PROTEIN IS A FOOD GROUP.

MEAT IS MURDER.

- NO, A FOOD GROUP:

BEEF, POULTRY, FISH.

- DRIED BEANS, EGGS, TOFU,

NUTS.

ALL PROTEIN, ALL IN THE SAME

FOOD GROUP.

- LOOK, ALL RIGHT, I'VE BEEN

EATING MEAT SINCE I WAS TWO.

OKAY, I CAN'T JUST STOP NOW.

- WHAT IF I GAVE YOU

AN INCENTIVE?

WHAT IF I MOTIVATED YOU?

- HOW?

- WHAT IF I SLEPT WITH YOU?

YOU MEAN, WE--WE CAN HAVE SEX.

- IF YOU STOP EATING MEAT,

YEAH.

- WHEN?

- TONIGHT.

- OKAY, ARE YOU MESSING

WITH ME?

OKAY, YOU'RE MESSING WITH ME.

- NO, I'M NOT MESSING WITH YOU.

I WOULDN'T BE MESSING ABOUT

SOMETHING LIKE THIS.

IF YOU STOP EATING MEAT,

I'LL HAVE SEX WITH YOU...

TONIGHT AFTER DINNER.

- YEAH, HEY, HEY, CAN YOU--

CAN YOU CHANGE THAT COMBO

NUMBER ONE TO A CAESAR SALAD?

NO CHICKEN.

THANK YOU.

- SO IS THAT, LIKE, THE MOST

INCREDIBLE CHAPTER IN

THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD,

OR AM I JUST THE MOST

BORING LAY EVER?

- NO, NO, NO, NO.

IT'S JUST--I'M ALMOST DONE.

IF I STOP NOW, I GOT TO PICK IT

UP ALL THE WAY--

- OH, YEAH, NO, TOTALLY, HONEY.

I TOTALLY GET IT.

- YOU KNOW, IF YOU'D JUST LET

ME FINISH, I'D BE DONE BY NOW.

- IF WE'D HAD SEX,

YOU'D PROBABLY BY NOW TOO.

- WOW, OKAY.

BOOK'S DOWN.

TOP OR BOTTOM?

WHAT, YOU WANT TO FLIP FOR IT?

ROCK, PAPER, SCISSORS?

WHAT HAPPENED TO US?

- WHAT, WHAT DO YOU MEAN,

WHAT HAPPENED?

- I MEAN, WHEN DID...

HAVING SEX BECOME SUCH A CHORE?

- CH--IT'S NOT A CHORE.

I LOVE HAVING SEX WITH YOU.

- YEAH, WELL, WE'RE DOING IT,

HONEY, BUT I MEAN, WHEN DID

GETTING THERE BECOME ONE?

THIS IS SO SAD.

WE SHOULD JUST PUT IT ON

THE CHORE WHEEL.

UNLOAD THE DISHWASHER.

TAKE OUT THE GARBAGE.

HAVE SEX.

- THAT'S RIDICULOUS.

- IS IT?

- YEAH, THERE'S NOTHING I LIKE

MORE THAN HAVING SEX WITH YOU.

- MASTURBATING.

- WHAT ABOUT IT?

- WHEN WAS THE LAST TIME

WE HAD SEX?

- I DON'T KNOW.

- EXACTLY, AND WHEN WAS

THE LAST TIME YOU MASTURBATED?

- I DON'T KNOW.

- OH, YEAH, YOU DO KNOW

BECAUSE IT WAS THIS MORNING

IN THE SHOWER.

- OH, NO, DON'T DENY IT.

NO ONE GOES THROUGH THAT MUCH

CONDITIONER IN ONE WEEK.

- ALL RIGHT, FINE, YOU GOT ME.

I...I LIKE JERKING OFF.

I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO SAY.

- OKAY, WELL, I--LOOK, HONEY,

I HAVE NO PROBLEM WITH THAT.

BUT YOU JUST SAID,

THERE'S NOTHING I LIKE MORE

THAN HAVING SEX WITH YOU.

AND I WOULD ARGUE THAT YOU

ACTUALLY ENJOY MASTURBATING MORE

THAN HAVING SEX WITH ME.

- I DON'T ENJOY IT MORE.

IT'S JUST--

IT'S QUICKER.

IT'S EASIER.

IT'S CLEANER.

- IT'S CLEANER.

BECAUSE OF ALL THE HAIR PRODUCTS

YOU USE?

- ARE YOU GONNA START HIDING

THE CONDITIONER FROM ME NOW?

- OH, GOD.

HONEY, LOOK, I GET IT.

I'M NOT TRYING TO MAKE YOU

FEEL BAD FOR JERKING OFF

ONCE IN A WHILE.

- WELL, YOU ARE.

- I DON'T KNOW.

I--I THINK ABOUT HOW WE USED TO

BE, YOU KNOW?

- ALL RIGHT.

WELL, THINK ABOUT IT THIS WAY,

THINK OF--THINK OF ALL THE TIMES

WE FIGHT AND ALL THE TIMES

WE ARGUE,

WHEN WE WERE PLANNING OUR

WEDDING, WHEN WE TRY AND FIGURE

OUT A TRIP TO SEE YOUR MOM

OR WHO'S GONNA WALK THE DOGS--

I MEAN, ALL THE TIMES I'M NOT

JERKING OFF.

I JERK OFF FOR PEACE.

I JERK OFF FOR HARMONY.

I DON'T JUST JERK OFF FOR ME.

I JERK OFF FOR US.

SO I'M ASKING YOU, PLEASE,

I WOULD LOVE TO HAVE SEX

WITH MY WIFE.

- NOT NOW.

- OH, MY GOD, WHY?

- WELL, HONEY, I'M NOT

A CHARITY, YOU KNOW--

- CHARITY?

- THAT'S JUST HUMILIATING.

- I'M NOT--THERE'S NO CHAR--

THERE'S NOTHING I LIKE MORE

THAN HAVING SEX WITH YOU.

- EXCEPT FOR FINISHING

CHAPTER NINE OF

HARRIET TUBMAN'S BIOGRAPHY.

- SCREW HER.

- MMM, OKAY, WAIT, WAIT,

WAIT, WAIT, WAIT, WAIT.

HONEY, LET'S JUST DO IT

IN THE MORNING, OKAY?

TOMORROW MORNING--

WHEN WAS THE LAST TIME WE HAD

SEX IN THE MORNING?

- WE NEVER HAVE SEX

IN THE MORNING.

I THINK KENNEDY WAS PRESIDENT.

- WELL, THEN THERE YOU GO.

SEX IN THE MORNING.

IT'S A DATE.

- OKAY, WE GOT A DATE.

- MM-HMM.

WAIT, YOU'RE NOT EVEN GONNA

FINISH YOUR CHAPTER?

- NO, THE SOONER WE GO

TO SLEEP, THE SOONER WE WAKE UP,

AND THEN THE SOONER

WE CAN DO IT.

- CARLA, I'M NOT WALKING OUT

THAT DOOR TILL YOU LOOK ME

IN THE EYES AND TELL ME YOU--

- I REALLY WANT YOU TO LEAVE.

- I DON'T BELIEVE YOU.

- WELL, MAYBE YOU'LL BELIEVE

ME IF I CALL THE COPS.

- YOU'RE NOT GONNA

CALL THE COPS.

- WATCH ME.

- WELL, I STILL DON'T

BELIEVE YOU.

- HI, THIS IS CARLA WATKINS.

I LIVE AT 4242 JEFFERSON STREET,

APARTMENT NUMBER "C,"

AND I HAVE AN INTRUDER.

- I'M NOT AN INTRUDER.

CARLA, HANG UP THE PHONE.

- HE HAS A KNIFE.

- A KNIFE?

OH, GREAT, A KNIFE.

- YOU MIGHT WANT TO LEAVE NOW

BEFORE YOU GET SHOT.

- WELL, THAT IS REALLY ADULT,

CARLA, NICE.

- REALLY, YOU'RE GONNA TEACH ME

HOW TO BE AN ADULT NOW?

OKAY, WELL, I WILL SIT DOWN

AND TAKE NOTES WHILE YOU EXPLAIN

TO ME HOW TO BE AN ADULT.

- THIS ISN'T ABOUT THE BANK

ACCOUNT.

THIS IS ABOUT SOMETHING ELSE.

- BECAUSE ME BEING UPSET ABOUT

GETTING ROBBED WOULD BE SO

IMMATURE?

- ARE YOU SEEING SOMEONE ELSE?

IS THAT WHAT THIS IS ABOUT?

- WHAT?

SEEING SOMEBODY ELSE, ME?

- YES, THAT'S THE QUESTION.

- NO, I'M NOT SEEING SOMEBODY

ELSE, YOU FUCKING RETARD.

- WELL, DO YOU THINK

I'M CHEATING ON YOU?

IS THAT WHAT THIS IS ABOUT?

- NO, YOU'RE TOO UNAMBITIOUS

TO CHEAT.

THAT WOULD REQUIRE HAVING

A CONVERSATION WITH SOMEBODY.

- CARLA, I LOVE YOU.

I WOULD DO ANYTHING FOR YOU.

- GREAT, LEAVE!

- FINE, YOU WANT ME TO LEAVE?

- YES.

- I'LL LEAVE.

I'M FUCKIN' LEAVING.

- OKAY, GREAT, AND DON'T FORGET

YOUR FUCKING BAT!

- SAYONARA, BITCH.

- YOU KNOW WHAT, ERIC?

I WILL GET DOWN ON MY KNEES AND

BLOW YOU RIGHT NOW IF YOU CAN

TELL ME WHAT LANGUAGE THAT IS.

- IT'S HONG KONG.

- YOU ARE A RETARD.

- FUCKIN' CHINESE.

- I THOUGHT YOU WERE LEAVING.

YOU CAN'T EVEN DO THAT RIGHT.

- FINE, OKAY, YOU WANT ME

TO ASK SOME QUESTIONS?

I WOULD REALLY LIKE TO KNOW

WHAT'S WRONG.

- BESIDES YOU STEALING

FROM ME.

- I DIDN'T STEAL FROM YOU.

- WHAT WOULD YOU CALL THAT,

ERIC?

I HAD MONEY, AND YOU TOOK IT

WITHOUT ASKING.

WHAT WOULD YOU CALL THAT?

- RELAX, OKAY?

- DON'T YOU TELL ME TO RELAX.

DON'T EVER TELL ME TO RELAX.

DO YOU HEAR ME?

- LOOK, I AM SORRY.

- DON'T YOU FUCKING TOUCH ME.

DON'T TOUCH ME.

WE'RE NOT KIDS ANYMORE, ERIC.

I WAS SITTING AT THIS STOPLIGHT

YESTERDAY.

AND I REALIZED EVERYBODY WAS

WALKING OR DRIVING OR GOING

SOMEWHERE BUT ME.

I WAS JUST SITTING STILL.

- WELL, THAT'S WHAT YOU DO

AT A RED LIGHT.

- WE, ERIC.

WE ARE SITTING STILL.

- YOU KNOW, I DON'T KNOW

WHY YOU HATE ME SO MUCH.

- I DON'T HATE YOU, ERIC.

THAT'S THE PROBLEM.

I WISH I COULD FUCKING HATE YOU.

OH, DON'T EVEN.

- I AM SO EXHAUSTED.

HOW COULD SOMETHING SO TINY

MAKE ME SO TIRED?

- DO YOU NEED ME TO GET YOU

ANYTHING?

- OH, MY GOD.

I AM NOT HAVING SEX WITH YOU.

- I JUST ASKED YOU IF YOU

WANTED ME TO GET YOU ANYTHING.

- I COULD HEAR THE SUBTEXT.

- THERE WAS NO SUBTEXT.

- THERE WAS SUBTEXT.

- SO ANYTIME I SAY SOMETHING

NICE, YOU'RE JUST GOING TO

AUTOMATICALLY THINK I HAVE

AN ULTERIOR MOTIVE?

- HONEY, I LOVE YOU, I DO,

OKAY?

BUT I GOT TO GET SOME SLEEP.

- THAT IS SO HOT.

- WHAT?

- THE MOON.

- OH, MY GOD, MARK, COME ON.

JUST STOP IT, ALL RIGHT?

LEAVE ME ALONE.

- I HAVE BEEN LEAVING YOU ALONE

FOR SIX WEEKS.

- OKAY, YOU KNOW WHAT?

I'LL JERK YOU OFF, HMM?

LET'S DO THAT.

IT'LL BE FUN.

- THAT'S NOT WHAT THIS IS

ABOUT.

- IT'S GONNA BE FUN, COME ON.

- NO, NO, NO, NO, NO.

YOU'RE MISSING THE POINT.

THIS IS NOT--I'M NOT--

THIS IS NOT--

- WHAT, YOU'RE NOT WHAT?

YOU'RE NOT TURNED ON ANYMORE?

WHAT HAPPENED?

IS IT--OH, IT WAS THIS,

WAS WHAT YOU LIKED?

- NO.

- THAT'S THE THING.

THAT'S WHAT YOU NEED TO--

THAT'S GOOD?

- NO.

- NO?

- WAIT, IT'S--YEAH, ACTUALLY,

THAT'S HOT.

- OKAY, GOOD.

SO WHAT DO YOU THINK?

A LITTLE JOURNEY?

A LITTLE NIGHT RANGER?

- VERY WEIRD.

- I PUT SOME CHARLIE PERFUME

ON, GET YOU GOING?

- WAIT, WAIT, WAIT, WAIT, NO.

I WANT TO MAKE LOVE.

- MY GOD.

- COME ON.

MARK, I CAN'T.

- WHY?

- I CAN'T.

I FEEL--I FEEL DISGUSTING, OKAY?

I FEEL FAT.

AND I JUST--I FEEL LIKE THERE'S

LIKE AN APRON OF SKIN

AROUND MY WAIST.

IT'S--I DON'T FEEL SEXY.

- I THINK YOU'RE SEXY.

- YEAH, WELL, THAT'S 'CAUSE

YOU HAVEN'T HAD SEX WITH ME YET.

TRUST ME, ONCE YOU HAVE SEX

WITH ME, YOU WILL SEE HOW

DISGUSTING I AM.

- YOU'RE NOT DISGUSTING.

YOU'RE PERFECT.

- I AM.

I HAVE STRETCH MARKS EVERYWHERE,

ON MY LEGS, MY BUTT, MY BOOBS,

MY--HAVE YOU SEEN MY STOMACH?

- YEAH.

- IT'S LIKE AN ATLAS.

IT'S--

I'M NEVER GONNA BE THE SAME.

MY BODY IS NEVER GONNA LOOK

THE SAME.

NO, DON'T--

- LOOK, I LOVE THESE MARKS.

I DO.

I LOVE THE WAY THEY FEEL.

THEY'RE LIKE--THEY'RE LIKE

GUIDES.

IT'S LIKE--LIKE A BLUEPRINT

SHOWING ME THE WAY ACROSS

YOUR BODY.

- I LOVE THEM. I DO.

OH.

- HMM?

- THANKS FOR THE EFFORT.

- WELL, GET SOME SLEEP, BABE.

- IF I TELL YOU TO STOP,

YOU HAVE TO STOP RIGHT AWAY.

AND ALSO, IF YOU WAKE UP

THAT BABY...

- UH-HUH.

- I WILL KILL YOU.

- I'M NOT GONNA WAKE UP

THE BABY.

- OKAY.

- I'M GONNA GO SLOW.

- AND YOU CAN'T TOUCH MY BOOBS

AT ALL 'CAUSE THEY'RE REALLY,

REALLY SORE.

- I KNOW, BUT IT'S OKAY.

- NO, NO.

AND DON'T TOUCH ME THERE.

- WHERE CAN I TOUCH YOU?

COME HERE.

MMM.

OH, MY GOD.

OH, MY GOD.

- HOW'S YOUR DINNER?

- IT'S INCREDIBLE.

- YOU'LL GET USED TO IT.

- CAN I EAT FISH?

- SURE, TO-FISH.

- TO-FISH?

- MM-HMM, TOFU FISH.

YOU CAN ALSO HAVE TOFURKY,

TOFU BURGERS, AND SOYSAGE.

- S-SOYSAGE?

IS THAT--IS THAT LIKE

SOY SAUSAGE?

OH, SOUNDS REALLY GOOD.

- THE RULE OF THUMB IS THAT

IF IT HAS A HEARTBEAT OR A FACE,

YOU CAN'T EAT IT.

- I SAW ON EBAY ONCE

THERE WAS THIS GRILLED CHEESE

SANDWICH THAT HAD THE VIRGIN

MARY'S FACE GRILLED INTO IT.

WHAT ABOUT THAT?

- I'D ALLOW IT.

YEAH, I HATE SALAD,

JUST SO YOU KNOW.

- YOU'LL GROW TO LIKE IT.

- THAT FEELS GOOD.

- WHOO.

GOOD.

- FURTHER DOWN.

RIGHT THERE.

OH, RIGHT THERE.

MMM.

FURTHER DOWN.

- BABE, I THINK I'M AT

THE RIGHT SPOT.

- MMM, GO FURTHER TO MY FEET.

RUB MY FEET.

- NO, BORING.

- PLEASE RUB MY FEET.

- GRR.

YOU'RE TICKLING.

I SWEAR YOU DO THAT ON PURPOSE

SO YOU DON'T HAVE TO

RUB MY FEET.

- IT'S NOT TRUE.

- IF WE HAVE ANY CHANCE OF

LASTING, YOU ARE GONNA HAVE TO

LEARN TO GIVE ME A PROPER

FOOT MASSAGE.

- OH, ARE WE AT RISK OF

FAILING?

- TEN YEARS AND YOU STILL DON'T

KNOW HOW TO RUB MY FEET

PROPERLY.

I JUST--I DON'T KNOW IF

11'S GONNA HAPPEN, BABE.

- OH.

- 12 YEARS, BE A STRETCH.

- MM-HMM.

- 13 IF YOU'RE LUCKY.

OKAY, LET'S MAKE A BABY.

- SO ARE YOU READY?

- UH, READY--READY FOR WHAT?

- TO GO BUY CONDOMS.

- OH, I HAVE ONE.

- YOU HAVE ONE?

- YEAH, I HAVE ONE.

- WHY DO YOU HAVE ONE?

- JUST IN CASE.

- OH, JUST IN CASE

SUSIE RINKMEYERS WANTS TO

TAKE YOU BEHIND THE BLEACHERS?

- NO, YOU KNOW, JUST IN CASE

YOU AND I EVER HAD SEX.

- SO YOU BOUGHT IT FOR ME?

- YEAH.

WELL, NO, I'VE ACTUALLY HAD IT

IN MY WALLET SINCE THE SIXTH

GRADE.

- SO YOU'VE BEEN CARRYING IT

AROUND FOR FOUR YEARS

IN YOUR WALLET.

- YEAH, IT'S GOT

AN EXPIRATION DATE ON IT.

LISTEN, BABE, WE DON'T HAVE

TO DO THIS.

OKAY, WE CAN--WE CAN GO SEE

A MOVIE.

- NO, I WANT TO.

I DO.

- OKAY.

- JUST GIVE ME A SECOND HERE.

WELL, THIS GOES SLOW.

ARE YOU GONNA TAKE OFF

YOUR PANTS?

- OH, RIGHT, THAT WOULD HELP.

- YEAH, RIGHT.

WAIT, UM, WE SHOULD PROBABLY...

WE SHOULD PROBABLY PUT SOMETHING

DOWN ON THE SEAT.

YEAH.

- THIS IS SO FUCKING WEIRD.

- RIGHT?

DO YOU WANT ME TO TAKE

MY DRESS OFF?

- YES.

- OKAY.

- OKAY, WAIT.

SOMEONE MIGHT WALK BY.

- YEAH, OKAY.

JUST WAITIN' ON YOU, SO...

ANYTIME.

- RIGHT.

HERE WE GO.

- HERE WE GO.

- WHAT'S YOUR FAVORITE COLOR?

- I'M NOT PICKY.

- LET'S START WITH RED.

WE CAN WORK OUR WAY

THROUGH THE RAINBOW.

- WHY DON'T WE MOVE ONTO

THE BED?

- NO, I LIKE IT HERE.

- YOU LOOK GOOD IN RED.

- HUH, THANK YOU.

- ♪ GET IT INTO YOUR HEAD ♪

♪ THAT I LIVE IN A ♪

♪ BUBBLE BELOW ♪

♪ GET IT INTO YOUR HEAD ♪

- DO ME A FAVOR.

- ANYTHING.

- REMIND ME TO THANK WENDY.

- ♪ GET IT INTO YOUR HEAD ♪

♪ THAT I AM AN ADVENTURER ♪

♪ GET IT INTO YOUR HEAD ♪

- ARE YOU SURE WE CAN

TAPE OVER THIS?

- YEAH, OF COURSE, WHY NOT?

- IT'S YOUR DAUGHTER'S BALLET

RECITAL.

- MY DAUGHTER HATES BALLET.

- OH.

SO...

- SO...

ARE WE ROLLING?

- YEAH, WE'RE ROLLING.

- MM, I DON'T KNOW IF THIS

IS A GOOD IDEA TO HAVE ON TAPE.

- REALLY, AND WHY'S THAT?

- WELL, IT COULD BE USED

AGAINST ME IN THE TRIAL.

- AND WHAT WOULD YOU BE

ON TRIAL FOR?

FUCKING YOU TO DEATH.

OH, WAIT, WAIT, WAIT, WAIT.

I DIDN'T CALL ACTION.

- OH, THAT'S MEAN.

- WHAT'S OUR FRAMING LIKE?

ARE WE IN A WIDE SHOT

OR A CLOSE-UP--WHAT?

- UH, IT'S A WIDE SHOT.

- WHO'S GONNA WATCH

A SEX TAPE IN A WIDE SHOT?

- NOBODY.

- NOBODY.

- NO ONE'S GONNA WATCH IT.

RIGHT?

- WELL, YOU NEVER KNOW.

THESE DAYS WITH THE INTERNETS

AND THE KIDS AND THEIR SEXTING,

IT COULD GET OUT THERE.

- YOU JUST FUCKING WITH ME?

- I DON'T KNOW; AM I?

AM I?

LET ME GET THE CAMERA.

- BABY, I THINK IT'S TIME.

- OKAY.

- OKAY.

- OH, THAT'S A LOT OF SEMEN.

- WELL, IT'S MIXED WITH

PRESERVATION FLUID TO PROMOTE

MOTILITY.

- MMM.

OKAY.

ARE YOU DOING IT RIGHT NOW?

- NOW I AM.

- MMM, THIS IS NOT HOW

I IMAGINED IT AS A GIRL.

NOT AT ALL.

- HOW DID YOU IMAGINE IT, BABY?

- IT WAS MY WEDDING NIGHT

AFTER A ELECTRIC COURTSHIP

AT A CLIFFSIDE WEDDING.

- WAIT, DON'T MOVE.

YOU HAVE TO STAY ON YOUR BACK

FOR A FEW MINUTES.

- OKAY.

GOOD?

- YEAH, OKAY, KEEP GOING.

YOUR WEDDING?

- UH, AND IT WAS A HUGE

CEREMONY WITH THESE FOUNTAINS

OF FLOWING CHAMPAGNE

AND FLOWING SILK.

AND THEY WERE SERVING LOBSTER

BISQUE.

AND OH, THERE WERE WHITE LITTLE

DOVES WITH MY TRAIN IN THEIR

BEAKS FLYING LIKE IN SNOW WHITE.

AND, UH, YEAH, A LONG PARADE

OF NAKED BRIDESMAIDS.

- NAKED BRIDESMAIDS.

- YEAH, I DIDN'T FIGURE THAT

ONE OUT UNTIL I WAS LATE

INTO HIGH SCHOOL.

THEY WERE THERE AT MY WEDDING.

- AND, UH, AFTER THE WEDDING?

- OH, WELL, OF COURSE

MY GRAY-BEARDED HUSBAND

WHISKED ME OFF INTO THIS

HORSE-DRAWN CARRIAGE, AND WE GO

TO OUR CASTLE.

AND THE EVENING CULMINATES

INTO THE ULTIMATE ACT OF LOVE.

THEN NINE MONTHS LATER...

BABY.

- PLEASE, PLEASE DON'T MAKE ME

STOP A SECOND TIME.

- WHAT--WHAT'S THE MATTER?

- THE WATER.

- WHAT IS IT TOO HOT?

- NO, IT JUST DOESN'T WORK

IN HERE.

- SORRY.

OH, BABY, YOU SHOULD'VE SAID

SOMETHING.

- YEAH, OKAY.

I'M READY.

- WHOA.

WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING?

- WHAT?

- BABY, THAT'S DISGUSTING.

YOU GOT TO BE KIDDING ME.

YOU SPIT ON YOUR DICK EVERY TIME

WE HAVE SEX.

- IT'S MY SPIT.

OKAY, OKAY, NO, GO AHEAD.

- GO AHEAD.

OH, YEAH.

OH, MY GOD.

GOD, I LOVE YOU.

- WHAT?

- MORE SPIT.

- WHY?

- 'CAUSE IT TURNED ME ON.

- I THOUGHT IT DISGUSTED YOU.

- THAT'S WHY YOU TURN ME ON.

OH, YEAH.

OKAY, STOP, STOP, STOP, STOP.

- WAIT, WHAT?

NO, YOU SAID YOU HAD TO ORGASM.

- I KNOW. I JUST DID.

- NO, I DON'T THINK SO.

USUALLY WHEN YOU ORGASM,

IT'S REALLY LOUD AND YOU SWEAR

A LOT.

- I KNOW, BUT THAT'S--

THAT'S JUST FOR SHOW, YOU KNOW.

I JUST--I DIDN'T WANT TO MAKE

ANY NOISE AND PUSH ALL THE SEMEN

OUT.

- WHAT DO YOU MEAN

IT'S FOR SHOW?

- I MEAN, 'CAUSE YOU LIKE IT.

- WELL, YEAH--UH...

THIS JUST KEEPS GETTING

BETTER AND BETTER.

- OKAY, GET OUT OF ME.

GET OUT OF ME.

WOULD YOU GET ME A PILLOW

PLEASE?

PUT IT UNDER MY HIPS.

I NEED TO KEEP MY HIPS ELEVATED.

- ALL RIGHT.

- AT A 30-DEGREE ANGLE

FOR 20 MINUTES.

- WHY?

- TO KEEP THE SEMEN IN.

- OH, OF COURSE.

GOT TO KEEP THAT SEMEN--

- WHAT ARE YOU DOING THERE?

- I'M TRYING TO RELAX

MY VAGINAL MUSCLES,

EASING THE CERVICAL MUCUS FLOW

SO THAT THE SPERM GETS TO

THE EGG MORE QUICKLY

AND EFFECTIVELY.

- COOL.

HEY, COULD YOU DO ME A FAVOR?

- CAN YOU NEVER USE THE PHRASE

CERVICAL MUCUS FLOW AROUND ME

AGAIN?

THAT'D BE AWESOME.

- DON'T--DON'T MAKE ME LAUGH.

I DON'T WANT TO SPEW OUT

ALL YOUR SPLOOGE.

- WAIT, SO YOU'LL SAY SPLOOGE

BUT YOU WON'T SAY BALLS?

THAT DOESN'T MAKE ANY SENSE.

- SHOULD I GO GET DRESSED

OR IS THAT GONNA RUIN

THIS INCREDIBLY ROMANTIC MOMENT

WE'RE HAVING TOGETHER?

- BABE, I'M SORRY.

I KNOW THIS IS ALL WEIRD

AND CRAZY.

I JUST REALLY WANT TO HAVE

A BABY.

- I KNOW.

ME TOO.

ME TOO.

WE'RE FIGURING IT OUT.

I THINK THIS WAS THE ONE.

- YOU DO?

- I'M PRETTY SURE I JUST

DUMPED A BABY INSIDE YOU.

- I HOPE SO.

- ME TOO.

ALL RIGHT, I'M GONNA GO

GET DRESSED.

OKAY--

- NO, STAY, STAY, STAY.

- OKAY.

- I DIDN'T GAMBLE THE MONEY.

- ♪ NEVER WANT ♪

♪ TO SAY GOOD-BYE ♪

♪ JUST HELLO AGAIN ♪

♪ BIRTHDAY CARDS AND ♪

♪ THE WISHES THAT YOU SEND ♪

♪ THINGS ARE ALL ♪

- WHOA.

I FUCKING HATE YOU.

- WHY DIDN'T YOU TELL ME?

- WELL, AFTER YOU BEAT DOWN

THE TELEVISION,

I WAS RECONSIDERING.

SO...

WILL YOU MARRY ME?

- NO.

ABSOLUTELY NOT.

- I WOULD DIE FOR YOU.

- I KNOW.

THAT'S MORBID.

IT'S SWEET, THOUGH.

- I WOULD. I WOULD DIE FOR YOU.

- I'LL KEEP THAT IN MIND

IF THE OPPORTUNITY EVER

PRESENTS ITSELF.

COME MAKE LOVE TO ME.

- IS IT KOREAN?

- OH, SHUT UP BEFORE I CHANGE

MY MIND.

- BABY, THIS IS SO--

- OH!

- OH, TELL ME YOU LOVE ME.

- I LOVE YOU, BABY.

- OH, OH, LOUDER!

- I LOVE YOU, BABY.

- OH, BABY.

OH, MY GOD.

OH, MY GOD.

- WHY ELSE?

- WHAT?

- WHY ELSE DO YOU LOVE ME?

- I CAN'T HELP IT.

YOU ARE THE GIRL OF MY DREAMS.

YOU'RE THE GIRL I USED TO

FANTASIZE ABOUT AS A KID.

AND NOW, I GOT YOU.

I GOT YOU.

I FUCKING LOVE YOU.

- I LOVE YOU.

- LET'S GO TO BED.

- YEAH.

RIGHT AFTER YOU TAKE A SHOWER.

- OKAY, LET'S HEAR IT.

- HEAR WHAT?

- YOUR SEX TALK.

- MY WHAT?

- MMM, YEAH, I WANT TO HEAR YOU

TALK DIRTY TO ME.

- OH, OKAY.

UM, OKAY, JUST GIVE A SECOND.

- MM-HMM.

- ALL RIGHT, I'LL JUMP-START

YOU, OKAY.

- THANK YOU.

- MMM, OH, THAT FEELS GOOD.

- OH, OKAY, YEAH, OH, YEAH.

OH, YOUR BOOBS--

YES, I LOVE IT WHEN YOU BOUNCE

YOUR BOOBS LIKE THAT, LIKE A--

LIKE A BOUNCY HOUSE, YEAH!

OKAY, CAN I START AGAIN?

- PLEASE.

OKAY.

- YEAH.

YEAH, OKAY, THAT'S GOOD.

FUCK ME.

FUCK ME HARD.

FUCK ME HARD!

FUCK ME HARDER THAN HARD.

YEAH!

FUCK ME HARD.

FUCK ME HARD, HARD, HARD.

FU--HARDER...

- THAT WAS GOOD.

- MAYBE I SHOULD HOLD

THE CAMERA.

- YEAH, GOOD IDEA.

HERE, HANG ON, HANG ON, HANG ON.

OKAY.

- WHAT'S WRONG?

- SHH-SHH-SHH-SHH-SHH.

- WHAT?

WHAT DO YOU HEAR?

IS IT YOUR EX?

- OH, DON'T BE SO JUMPY.

I'M GOING OVER MY LINES

IN MY HEAD.

- YOUR LINES?

YOU HAVE LINES?

- OKAY, OKAY.

OH.

OH, GOD, THAT'S RIGHT.

THAT'S THE SPOT.

THAT'S THE SPOT.

THAT FEELS SO GOOD.

THAT FEELS SO GOOD.

GOD, I LIKE IT

WHEN YOU FUCK ME LIKE THAT.

DO YOU KNOW HOW MUCH I LIKE IT

WHEN YOU FUCK ME LIKE THAT?

FEELS SO GOOD.

- UH, IS THAT REAL,

OR ARE THOSE YOUR LINES?

- PRETTY GOOD, AREN'T I?

- OH.

- COME ON, GIMME THIS.

- I THOUGHT I WAS HOLDING

THE CAMERA.

- NO, NO, I NEED YOU TO HOLD

THE PROP.

HERE.

OKAY, TURN IT ON.

- OH, MY GOD, THAT IS LOUD.

- OH, YEAH.

OH, OH, THAT FEELS GOOD.

- THAT IS, LIKE,

LAWN MOWER LOUD.

- OH, IT'S WORKING.

- IF IT WASN'T WORKING,

I WOULD BE VERY CONCERNED.

- OH, JUST MOVE IT SLOW, SLOW,

SLOW, SLOW, SLOW, SLOW!

SLOW.

- WHEN YOU'VE USED THIS BEFORE,

HAVE THE NEIGHBORS EVER CALLED

TO COMPLAIN?

- OKAY, YOU KNOW WHAT?

YOU HOLD THIS.

HANG ON.

- WHOA.

- MM-HMM.

THAT'S RIGHT.

- HERE, COME ON.

- UH, YOU GOT LUBE ON YOUR

HANDS.

YOU MIGHT NOT WANT TO--

- OKAY, I WANT YOU TO FOCUS ON

THE SEX, AND I WILL FOCUS

ON THE TAPE.

- OKAY, I'M JUST SAYING,

YOU MIGHT WANT TO USE TWO HANDS.

- I KNOW.

YOU THINK I'M NOT CAPABLE

OF HOLDING ON--

- OH, FUCK ME!

- OH, YEAH, THERE IT IS.

- FUCK ME!

- I KNEW YOU HAD IT IN YOU.

OH, GOD.

OH, GOD, I'VE GOT TO GET

SOME ICE.

- WHAT?

- SWEETIE, YOUR NOSE

IS BLEEDING.

- OH, SHIT.

I'M OKAY.

I'M OKAY.

- I'M--I'M SORRY.

I'M TRYING TOO HARD.

JUST...

I SHOULD GET YOU SOME ICE.

- WAIT.

NOT YET.

- NOT YET.

THAT'S THE SEXIEST THING YOU'VE

SAID ALL DAY.

- MM, MM.

MM?

- OH.

- MM-HMM.

- MMM.

MMM.

- MORNING.

- MMM, GOOD MORNING.

YOU REMEMBERED.

- YEAH, MM-HMM.

BABY?

- MM-HMM?

- DID YOU EAT A SHIT SANDWICH

LAST NIGHT?

- OH, MY GOD, REALLY?

IS IT REALLY BAD?

- WELL, YOUR BREATH TASTES LIKE

DOG POO.

IS THAT BAD?

- WELL, THEN DON'T KISS ME.

- OH, NO, NO, I DIDN'T SAY

I DIDN'T WANT TO KISS YOU.

- I'M SO GROSS.

- OKAY, I DON'T WANT

TO KISS YOU.

I'M GONNA HURL.

- WAY TO KILL THE MOOD.

- HEY, HEY, HEY, HEY, HEY, HEY.

WHERE ARE YOU GOING?

- I'M GONNA BRUSH MY TEETH.

- OH, NO, IT'LL TAKE TOO LONG.

- HONEY, I GOT TO PEE.

- WELL, YOU SHOULD'VE THOUGHT

OF THAT BEFORE.

- DO YOU WANT ME TO PEE ON YOU?

- YEAH, NOW YOU'RE TALKING.

- SERIOUSLY, I GOT TO GO.

SEXY NOSE STRIPS BY THE WAY.

- HEY, I WEAR THESE THINGS

FOR YOU.

- HEY, ARE YOU STARTING

WITHOUT ME?

- IT'S MY TOOTHBRUSH, ASSHOLE.

- HEY, COME ON, HONEY.

I'VE BEEN WAITING ALL NIGHT.

- WELL, YOU CAN WAIT A FEW

MORE MINUTES.

- I HAVE TO GO BACK TO SLEEP.

GOD HELP YOU IF I START READING

THIS BOOK AGAIN.

LINCOLN JUST FREED THE SLAVES.

IT'S STARTING TO GET GOOD.

- YOU READY?

- YEAH, I'M READY.

I'M READY.

I'M ABOUT TO SEND IN

A SEARCH PARTY.

WOW.

- I STASHED IT IN THE BATHROOM

LAST NIGHT.

- I FIGURED, YOU KNOW, SINCE

IT'S BEEN A WHILE...

- IT'S ABOUT TO GO A LOT FASTER

NOW.

- OOH, DON'T THREATEN ME WITH

A GOOD TIME.

- OH, MY GOD.

HONEY?

- YEAH?

- I DEFINITELY WANT TO ADD

THIS TO OUR CHORE WHEEL.

- WE NEVER MADE IT TO YELLOW.

- HMM, NEXT TIME.

I MEAN, IF THERE'S A NEXT TIME.

NO PRESSURE.

- NO, NO, I'D LIKE THAT.

- GREAT, I LOOK FORWARD TO IT.

- ME TOO.

- I CAN'T FEEL MY FEET.

- I'M SORRY IF I'M SQUISHING

YOU OR ANYTHING.

- WHAT?

WHAT IS IT?

WHAT?

- THE CONDOM.

- DID IT BREAK?

- I DON'T KNOW.

IT'S NOT HERE.

- WHAT DO YOU MEAN, "NOT HERE"?

- I--I MEAN, I THINK

IT FELL OFF.

- NO, NO-NO-NO, DON'T SAY THAT.

DON'T SAY THAT.

DON'T TELL ME.

DON'T SAY THAT.

- IT'S NOT HERE.

- FUCK.

- I'M SORRY.

I FELL ASLEEP.

- FUCK, FUCK, FUCK.

- DO YOU WANT ME TO, UH,

HELP YOU LOOK FOR IT?

- OH, THE BATHROOM?

- RIGHT THERE.

- OKAY.

- UH...

- OH, FUCK, FUCK.

- OH...UM...

IT...

WELL, IS IT IN THERE?

- FUCK.

- IS THAT A YES?

- IT'S SLIPPERY.

I CAN'T GET A HOLD OF IT.

- OH, THAT IS NOT GOOD.

UM...UM...

DO YOU WANT ME TO GET YOU

SOME...TWEEZERS?

OR, UH...

OH, THIS IS BAD, ISN'T IT?

- IT'S NOT GOOD.

- ARE YOU ON THE PILL?

- IT'S REALLY HARD TO GET

PREGNANT.

- IT IS, ISN'T IT?

- I MEAN, REALLY HARD.

SOME PEOPLE, THEY TRY FOR YEARS,

AND THEY CAN'T.

- RIGHT, IT'S HARD.

- SO WHAT ARE THE CHANCES,

RIGHT?

- CLOSE TO NONE.

PROBABLY NONE.

- YEAH.

- YEAH.

- ALL RIGHT, WELL, I THINK

I BETTER GO.

- NO, NO, YOU KNOW, YOU DON'T

HAVE TO.

- YEAH, I SHOULD GO.

IT'S LATE.

- WELL, OKAY.

- I HAD A REALLY, REALLY

GOOD TIME.

- YEAH, SO DID I.

- I'M REALLY SORRY I SCARED

YOU THAT WAY.

- NO, NO, YOU DIDN'T SCARE ME.

I'M THE ONE WHO SHOULD APOLOGIZE

TO YOU.

I'M SORRY.

- IT'S FINE, HONESTLY.

- BUT I MEAN--

- NO, IT'S FINE.

NOT A DOUBT IN MY MIND.

REALLY, IT'S FINE.

I'M SURE OF IT.

- OKAY.

- OKAY.

WELL...

BYE.

- BYE.

- HMM, YOU STILL WANT TO?

- SHH, GO BACK TO SLEEP.

- COME ON.

WE CAN.

LET'S TRY IT.

GENTLY, HUH?

- BABY, I DON'T WANT TO MAKE

YOU DO THIS.

- NO, I WANT TO.

IF IT HURTS, WE'LL STOP.

OKAY?

- I'LL GET A CONDOM.

- NO, YOU DON'T NEED ONE.

I'M BREAST-FEEDING.

I CAN'T GET PREGNANT.

- YOU CAN'T?

- YEAH.

WHOA, WHOA, WHOA, NO, NO, NO.

WE CAN'T DO THAT.

HAVEN'T YOU EVER HEARD

OF AN AIR EMBOLISM?

- WHAT?

- AN AIR EMBOLISM.

IF AIR GETS TRAPPED IN THE

BLOOD VESSELS, I COULD DIE.

- BUT THAT'S, LIKE, JUST FOR

THE FIRST FEW DAYS, RIGHT?

- DO YOU REALLY WANT

TO TEST IT?

- COME ON, GET BACK UP HERE.

- WELL, I MEAN, THAT'S--

- WHAT--WHAT ARE YOU DOING?

- YEAH.

- I REALLY, REALLY, REALLY

WANT TO WAIT.

- WHY?

- UNTIL YOU'RE READY.

- WELL, I'M NEVER GONNA BE

READY.

- OH.

- LOOK, HONEY, THIS ISN'T

SO MUCH ABOUT ME NEEDING

TO HEAL, OKAY.

I--I JUST...

WHEN I LOOK AT WHAT THIS DID

TO MY BODY AND MY MIND

AND MY SANITY, I JUST KIND OF...

I DON'T KNOW.

I'M FREAKING OUT A LITTLE,

YOU KNOW?

- WELL, YOU KNOW WHAT

THEY SAY.

- WHAT DO THEY SAY?

- GOT TO GET BACK UP

ON THAT HORSE.

- OH, REALLY, HORSE?

- THAT'S WHAT THEY SAY.

- YOU THINK YOU'RE MAYBE

FLATTERING YOURSELF A LITTLE?

- IT'S WHAT THEY SAY.

I'M JUST--I'M JUST REPEATING.

- OKAY.

NO, YOU'RE RIGHT, THOUGH.

IF WE DON'T DO IT NOW,

IT'S JUST GONNA BE TWICE AS HARD

TOMORROW.

- YEAH.

THINK ABOUT IT IN A WEEK.

- IT'LL BE BRUTAL.

OKAY, COME HERE, COME HERE.

HEY, BABY?

- YEAH?

- THANKS FOR LOVING ME

EVEN THOUGH I'M FALLING APART.

- I DON'T THINK I'VE EVER LOVED

YOU MORE THAN RIGHT NOW...

- OOH.

- IN THIS MOMENT.

- REALLY?

- YEAH.

- AWW.

- ♪ HE DOESN'T KNOW ♪

♪ ANY BETTER ♪

- ARE YOU GONNA MISS EATING

MEAT?

- NO, NOT AT ALL.

ARE YOU OKAY?

BABY, DOES IT STILL HURT?

- IT'S NOT THAT.

THAT'S NOT WHY I'M CRYING.

- WHAT IS IT?

- NO, I'M JUST--I'M HAPPY.

- YOU DON'T LOOK HAPPY.

- I AM.

J.T., I'M--I'M NOT DELUSIONAL.

I KNOW WE'RE NOT GONNA GET

MARRIED ONE DAY.

WE HAVE OUR WHOLE LIVES AHEAD

OF US.

AND LIFE, COLLEGE,

AND EVERYTHING THAT'S GONNA

PULL US APART.

- HEY, YOU DON'T KNOW THAT.

- NO, I KNOW THAT.

I KNOW THAT AS MUCH AS

I KNOW YOU'RE GONNA EAT

ANOTHER HAMBURGER.

- I'M NOT.

OKAY, I SWEAR.

- BABY, IT'S FINE.

ALL I'M SAYING IS...

I'M GLAD THIS WAS WITH YOU.

- TRACEY, WHAT ARE YOU TALKING

ABOUT?

ALL RIGHT, YOU'RE STARTING

TO SCARE ME.

- JUST PROMISE ME

THAT WHEN YOU'RE MARRIED TO

SOME LUCKY WOMAN WHO ISN'T ME,

AND YOU HAVE THREE KIDS,

BIG HOUSE, CAR, AND A GREAT JOB,

I NEED...

JUST PROMISE ME YOU'LL THINK

ABOUT ME ONCE IN A WHILE.

- BABY, I'M GONNA BE WITH YOU.

- WHAT'S MY HUSBAND GONNA THINK

ABOUT THAT?

- SHUT UP, OKAY?

YOU'RE JUST BEING STUPID.

COME HERE.

- ♪ HE DOESN'T FEEL ♪

♪ MUCH LIKE HANGING OUT ♪

♪ HE DOESN'T EVEN ♪

♪ THINK TO CALL HER ♪

- I'M SORRY THAT THIS WASN'T

AS ROMANTIC AS YOUR CHILDHOOD

DREAM.

- NO, THIS IS BETTER

'CAUSE YOU'RE HERE.

- BABY.

I LOVE YOU.

REALLY, THAT'S THE FACE YOU MAKE

WHEN I SAY THAT?

- NO, NO, I'M LEAKING.

- OH, NO, THAT'S NORMAL.

ALL WE NEED IS ONE

MOTIVATED SPERM.

IT'S GOOD.

- MEN ARE MESSY.

I DON'T KNOW HOW WOMEN DO IT.

- 15 MORE MINUTES, OKAY?

- OKAY.

- WHAT DO YOU THINK OF SAM?

- FOR A BOY OR A GIRL?

- EITHER, SAMANTHA OR SAMUEL.

- MMM, I DON'T THINK SO.

MY TOP THREE BOY NAMES ARE

BRANDON, STUART, AND GREGORY.

- WELL, SAMUEL'S IN MY TOP

THREE.

- NAH, I DON'T THINK SO.

- WHAT GIVES YOU A SAY IN

MY TOP THREE?

- TASTE.

- OKAY, BABY.

WHAT ABOUT GIRLS?

SO, MOM, DAD...

I WANTED YOU BOTH TO KNOW THAT

I'M PREGNANT.

- PREGNANT, HOW?

I DIDN'T KNOW YOU HAD

A BOYFRIEND.

- WELL, ACTUALLY, I WENT TO

A FERTILITY CLINIC, AND I GOT

ARTIFICIALLY INSEMINATED.

- THIS CANNOT BE HAPPENING.

THIS CANNOT BE HAPPENING.

I AM RELIGIOUS ABOUT THAT PILL.

I MEAN, I AM A BIRTH CONTROL

JUNKIE.

THAT'S A NICE TRY.

AH, THAT'S FUNNY.

- SUSAN SAID THAT WHEN SHE

GAVE BIRTH, THE DOCTOR TOLD HER

TO PUSH SO HARD, SHE--

SHE JUST TOOK A GIANT SHIT

ALL OVER THE DELIVERY ROOM

TABLE.

- REALLY?

- YEAH.

- OH-HO-HO-HO.

- THROUGHOUT MY ENTIRE FRESHMAN

YEAR AT COLLEGE...

DIDN'T MEAN I WAS PREGNANT.

- WHAT IS THAT?

- IT'S A TUMOR.

- NO, IT'S NOT.

- I KNOW IT'S NOT.

- IS THAT BLUE?

- NO, IT'S NOT BLUE.

IT'S NOT EVEN A SHADE OF BLUE.

IT'S MORE LIKE A LAVENDER.

- BUT IS IT MORE BLUE THAN RED?

- YES, IT'S MORE BLUE THAN RED.

- SHIT.

- I DON'T KNOW YOUR MIDDLE NAME

OR YOUR FAVORITE FOOD

OR YOUR FAVORITE BOOK.

I DON'T KNOW WHAT KIND OF

TOOTHPASTE YOU USE.

OR DO YOU SURF?

'CAUSE YOU--YOU'RE LOOKING LIKE

A SURFER, AND I'M NOT.

- OKAY, YOU ARE CLEARLY NOT

FOLLOWING ME.

I AM PREGNANT.

WE ARE PREGNANT.

HOLY SHIT, HOW DID THIS HAPPEN?

- MAYBE WE SHOULD WATCH

THE TAPE AND FIND OUT.

- GWEN.

GWEN, TELL ME

YOU'RE FULL OF CRAP.

- THAT'S RIGHT!

THAT'S WHAT I'M TALKING ABOUT!

- YEAH!

- NAILED IT!

AHH, HA-HA!

- UH, ALL RIGHT.

DON'T FORGET TO TAKE YOUR

ART PROJECTS HOME.

- YAY!

- MOM, WHERE DO BABIES

COME FROM?

- ♪ MORNING BREAKS ♪

♪ WITH A SHATTER ♪

♪ AS WE PUT IT BACK TOGETHER ♪

- CAREFUL, GUYS.

- ♪ PIECE BY PIECE ♪

♪ WE'RE SIDE BY SIDE ♪

♪ IT'S THE LAST PLACE ♪

♪ THE NIGHT LEFT US ♪

♪ WHEN WE FELL ASLEEP ♪

♪ IN ITS ARMS ♪

♪ AND LIKE YOU ♪

♪ I'M LOST AND LONELY ♪

♪ WE EMBRACED ♪

♪ YES, YOU AND I ♪

- I THINK BABIES COME FROM...

- I THINK BABIES COME FROM

THE SKY.

- I KNOW WHERE BABIES COME

FROM, AND IT'S MOMMY'S VAGINA.

- I THINK BABIES COME FROM...

VAGINAS.

- WHY WOULD YOU ASK ME

THAT QUESTION?

MAYBE THEY COME FROM--

I DON'T KNOW--LIKE, AN EGG?

- I THINK BABIES COME FROM

MOMMY'S STOMACH.

I THINK THEY JUST APPEAR.

THEY JUST GROW.

- THEY CUT THE BELLY,

AND THEN THEY TAKE THE BABY OUT.

AND THEN IT STARTS TO BE

A BROTHER.

- I THINK GOD PUTS THEM IN

A MOMMY'S TUMMY.

AND THEN THEY JUST SWIM AROUND

IN THE WATER THAT SHE'S DRUNK.

- SO FIRST THE BABY IS IN

THE MOMMY'S BELLY.

THEN SHE HAS TO GO TO

THE BATHROOM.

SHE POOPS THE BABY OUT,

AND THAT'S WHY WE ALWAYS STINK.

- THE DOCTOR OPENS UP

THE ZIPPER, AND THEN THEIR BABY

COMES OUT, AND THEN

THEY SEW IT BACK TOGETHER.

- AND THEN WHEN THE BABY'S

TIRED OF SWIMMING,

THE DOCTOR JUST TICKLES THE

MOMMY AS MUCH AS HE CAN UNTIL

THE BABY JUST POPS RIGHT OUT.

- I SAW ON THE COMPUTER

A DOG HAVING A BABY.

AND--AND IT DOESN'T COME OUT

THE DOOKIE HOLE.

I THINK IT COMES OUT OF

ANOTHER HOLE.

AND--AND IT'S LIKE POO,

LIKE, UH!

ARR!

- THEY HAVE SEX.

THAT MEANS THAT THEY MAKE OUT...

NUDE.

- OUT OF THE BOOBY BOOBY,

HEE-YOW!

- WHY ARE YOU TAKING A--

- WHO'S BIGGER THAN US?

- WHEN ARE YOU TAKING

THE PICTURE?

- AND--AND WE'RE NOT,

AND WE'RE NOT...

- WHEN ARE GONNA TAKE THE--

- A BABY ANYMORE

BECAUSE WE'RE BIG, BIG BOYS.

SEE?

- MARK.

I'LL HOLD THIS.

I'LL HOLD THIS.

I'LL HOLD IT.

I'M JUST GONNA PUT IT RIGHT HERE

SO WE CAN--

- ♪ SHINING STARS ♪

♪ WELL, I KNOW THEY ARE ♪

♪ SHINING IN YOUR EYES ♪

♪ YOU HOLD THEM WITH GRACE ♪

♪ AND ELEGANCE AND SWEET POISE ♪

♪ NOW THAT I KNOW THOSE ♪

♪ SHINING STARS ♪

♪ WELL, I KNOW THEY ARE ♪

♪ SHINING IN YOUR EYES ♪

♪ GIRL, I CAN SEE ♪

♪ OOH, BABY, I CAN SEE ♪

♪ OH, OH-OH, OH, OH ♪

♪ OH-OH-OH-OH, OH-OH ♪

♪ OH, OH-OH, OH, OH ♪

♪ OH-OH-OH-OH, OH-OH ♪

♪ OH, OH-OH, OH, OH ♪

♪ OH-OH-OH-OH, OH-OH ♪

♪ OH, OH-OH, OH, OH ♪

♪ OH-OH-OH-OH, OH-OH ♪

♪ OH, OH-OH, OH, OH ♪

♪ OH-OH-OH-OH, OH-OH ♪

♪ OH, OH-OH, OH, OH ♪

♪ OH-OH-OH-OH, OH-OH ♪

♪ OH, OH-OH, OH, OH ♪

♪ OH-OH-OH-OH, OH-OH ♪

♪ OH, OH-OH, OH, OH ♪

♪ OH-OH-OH-OH, OH-OH ♪

♪ OH, OH-OH, OH, OH ♪

♪ OH-OH-OH-OH, OH-OH ♪

♪ OH, OH-OH, OH, OH ♪

♪ OOH, SAID, BABY, I CAN SEE ♪

♪ OOH, BABY, I CAN SEE ♪