Original subtitles

Mummy, can you not do that?

Johannes is picking me up. He's going to pop in and meet the kids.

I'll get it.

No, Mummy, wait. Mum, ju... Ugh.

Howzit? You must be Amanda's sister.

Easy mistake. Mother.

- Thanks, Mummy. - Hi!

Um... I'm nervous.

This is ridiculous. I don't know why I'm so nervous.

Don't be.

I've met loads of my girlfriends' kids.

The trick is not to make a big thing of it.

Hey, guys!

Manus, Georgina, um,

- this is... - We know. He's our new dad.

What are you talking about, Manus?

No! No one is replacing your dad.

Johannes is absolutely not here to replace Dad... - It was a joke.

Yes!

Yes, it was!

That was very, very funny. That's very, very good.

I love that. I love it. So good.

Do you guys like £20 notes?

Yeah.

- Sick. - Ooh...

Oh!

It couldn't have gone better, frankly.

It was very organic. No one made a big thing of it.

Just...absolute success story.

So when are we going to meet this new squeeze?

- Oh... - It must be getting serious

if you're introducing him to the children.

Well, you know... He's a special part of my life now,

and you kind of know after three months, right, Fi?

Don't ask me. I've got terrible boundaries.

I proposed to Della on our second date.

- Oh! Wow! - Yeah.

Chris proposed to me on my 18th birthday. - Oh!

And later on that night, we took each other's virginity.

And then we made love in each one of my friends' parents' double beds,

just... devouring each other's bodies.

But not like now.

I can't even remember the last time Chris and I even brushed hands.

What's in the bag, Anne?

Oh, uh, Fatima's mum lent me a tent for camping this weekend. - Ah.

Yeah. There's still space if you want to join.

I mean, everyone else is coming.

No, Anne, Anne, I'm still a maybe.

No, you're not. You're taking this weekend off.

No, thank you.

The only time I'm setting foot in a tent is if it's a marquee,

and it's at Ascot, and there's Pimm's.

What about a first-aid tent?

Of course I'd go in a first-aid tent.

A gazebo? Would you go in a gazebo?

Yes, I would go in a gazebo.

What about if you got murdered and they put a tent over the crime scene, would you...

Don't you have a whistle to blow or something?

You got our deposit, right, Anne?

- Yes! - Yes.

Me, Ned, Abs, Baby Isla and our main man here.

I bet you're a dab hand at camping, Mal, being a gardener.

Me? No. The only time I've camped was one Glasto with Abs.

Spent most of it behind a falafel stand in a K-hole.

Tell me about it. I got stuck in a cake hole this weekend.

Ate the whole thing.

I am pretty hormonal, though.

I'm not kicking that.

Is that your new boyfriend, Amanda?

- Yeah. - Can I meet him?

- No. - Please?

Just quickly.

- Hey! Hey, you. - Hi.

Wow. Have you been checking my browsing history?

'Cause sexy soccer mom is one of my go-tos.

You must be Amanda's piece of hot stuff.

You can call me Johannes.

Okay, yeah, wow.

It's a pleasure to meet you, your highness.

- Yeah. - No, Anne.

No wonder you kept this on the downlow, dating African royalty.

- It's Johannes. - Johannes.

- Yo-han-ness. - Oh, Yo-han-ness!

Yeah, okay.

Apologies, your grace. Uh...

My name's Anne, AKA the BFF from BITD.

- Back in the day. - Ah.

That's quite an impressive package you're holding there, Anne.

Oh! It's a tent.

Yeah, there's a big gang of us going camping over the weekend.

Oh, camping. I love camping.

My ouma used to have a farm back in Magaliesburg.

We would camp there every summer.

Aww.

I would love a night under canvas. What do you say, Amanda?

Oh, well, you're flogging a dead horse there because, um,

Amanda hates camping.

Twisting my words a bit there, Anne.

I just find tents uncomfy 'cause I have very long legs and back.

Fine, then, I'll get a camper van for you and the kids.

All the mod cons.

It'll be like a hotel room on a campsite. You'll love it.

Yay.

Can't wait.

It's going to be so much fun, your highness.

Thanks, Anne.

All right, right hand down a bit.

That's good, that's good, that's good!

This is so unfair.

Why can't I stay here with Gan-Gan?

Gan-Gan's moving back home.

- I'm not. - You are, Mummy. We talked about this.

Well, my new sauna's got a leak

and so they've turned off the water until Thursday.

You don't need water, Mummy.

You entirely exist on sherry and talcum powder.

So lame.

Georgie, please don't be difficult.

Why can't we go to Florida or something?

I really don't want to see Darius.

Come on. We're going to have a nice family holiday.

With our new dad Johannes?

I hate you for making me go!

Ugh!

Hey! Where are your bags?

Ah... When you're a seasoned outdoorsman like I am,

you learn to travel as light as possible.

Isn't he a dish?

How clever that he can fit all his belongings into his pockets.

This isn't the camper I ordered.

Yes, I swapped it.

This'll look way better on the socials. - Right, okay.

I had an ex who had one of these.

Carlos.

We used to drive it back from Spain every summer

with three pounds of hashish stuffed into the seats.

Good times.

Manus, darling, let's go.

Hi. I'm Johannes.

You must be the guy who lives in the basement. - Yeah.

I'm envious already.

The only guy who should be underneath my girlfriend is me.

Uh, you all right? Mal. Okay, fist bumps, yeah.

Uh, Amanda said it's okay if I catch a lift with you guys

- down to the campsite? - Sure, sure.

Anything to keep my chick happy.

Ooh! Sorry about that, mate.

Here you go.

Lovely, mate. Thank you.

- I'll drive, baby. - Okay.

- Okay. Right, seat belts on. - Right, seat belts on, everybody!

Oh, no.

We're right on top of the toilets.

How are ya? You found us all right.

- Are you serious, Anne? - Huh?

We're basically camping on a septic tank!

Oh, um, yeah. Sorry, Amanda.

I would've been here earlier to get a better spot,

but my roof box exploded on the M3.

Right, I'm going to need you to move your tent over there

'cause I need this view behind me for my Insta shots.

Just pop yourself over there.

Yeah, yeah. Um... Yeah, okay.

Uh, yeah, Darius, come on. You heard the woman. Let's move the tent.

- Why? - You go round the other side.

Go on.

Where's Abs and the babs?

Isla has a temperature, so Abs thought it best to stay at home,

so it's just the three of us.

- Lads on tour! - Woo!

Aye! Look at this.

Someone knows what they're doing.

What do you Brits say? "Full-kit wanker"?

That's me. All the gear, no idea.

Hey, Amanda, I really like this guy.

Oh, yeah. That's, uh, uh...

Come on, Anne. Chop chop.

Johannes.

- Oh, JJ. Thanks. - Nice to meet ya.

You too. Now it's just me, it's a bit overkill.

Nah, it's great.

There's plenty of room in my tent if you want to bunk up with me.

Nah, we'll be fine in here, mate.

It's actually more spacious than it seems.

Yeah.

Johannes? Baby?

Where's the loo in this thing?

I don't think the older models have toilets.

The one I ordered had a toilet, but you swapped it.

What? But I thought that was the whole point of a camper van!

I don't do public toilets.

Hi-de-hi, campers!

Sorry we're late. Hey, that's convenient, innit? Right next to the bogs.

I'll just go over here, shall I? - Have you not brought a tent?

Oh, I bought it last night on the internet.

It's in one of these boxes somewhere.

God, I need a sit-down. It's bloody miles from the car park.

Where's that chair?

Oh, bingo.

Mands, can I plug into your camper thingy?

Sorry, Fi, this is actually for my ring light.

Oh, just bosh it over, will ya?

- Morten? - Yeah?

Find them pre-mixed cocktails.

It's much better to build a tent half-cut. - Um...

- Oh, I've found them. - Great!

- Do you want one? - Ooh, yes, please.

Thanks, baby.

Morten, could you try and coax Georgie out of the van, please?

- Yeah. - She's trying to avoid Darius or something.

Hiya!

- Is Della coming? - Yeah, she's going to join us later.

- Great. - One of the freezers at work packed up,

so she's going to get a taxi after service tonight.

Oh, my God!

It's fine, it's fine, it's fine.

I've got Prime. I'll order another one for tomorrow.

- Just got to find my... - Not a real bang.

I wasn't scared.

Right, I'm off to find a tap.

Oh, Jesus.

Anyone want a glug from my bladder?

No, Anne. I'm going to have to drastically reduce my liquid intake

in light of this no-toilet situation.

There's a toilet literally there.

I do not use public toilets, Anne.

Can you move you and your bladder out of my shot?

- Yep. - Move it.

All right, who fancies a kickabout?

Anyone?

Hey, JJ, want to take a look at my bowie knife?

- Ohhh, sick! - Blimey O'Reilly, that's a big 'un.

I'm pretty sure they're illegal now.

What, this little thing? Nah.

I was gutting gazelles with this when I was, like, eight.

It's so heavy!

All right, well, I'm going to go and find some firewood, then.

Ah, firewood time!

Right, let's make this a little more interesting.

The man who comes back with the biggest log wins 20 quid.

Ooh!

Bit sexist.

Don't you want to include the girls?

Oh, sorry.

Would any of the chicks like to come and collect some firewood?

I rest my case.

Boys, to the woods!

I saw a good copse over there with a fallen tree.

Isn't he the best?

Okay, who's got the biggest log?

Oh, come on, Mal, you can do better than that.

Look at JJ!

Yeah, I'm just going to collect some kindling to start the fire with.

Mal knows he's not going to win.

Yeah, size isn't everything, mate.

Try telling that to your girlfriend, Twiggy.

You all right, JJ?

Y-yeah, sorry, mate.

My craziest time on safari in South Africa was probably

swimming with a hippo.

They're so deadly, but I like that about them.

- Sexy, isn't he? - Hippos have a real big-dick energy.

I am not the person to ask, Amanda.

I'm thinking of doing a hike tomorrow. Anyone want to join me?

There's some standing stones about four miles away.

Right, let's do it.

I think I'm going to hit the hay, big man.

Do you mind if I sleep in JJ's tent, though?

There might be a bit more room, you know what I mean?

Yeah. No, course. Yeah.

Okay, boys, on your feet.

Time for one last duty of the night.

All the males are to piss around the perimeter of the campsite.

- What? Johannes! - No!

It will stop the foxes from ripping up the trash bags

'cause they hate the smell of male piss.

And before any feminists complain, it's biology, I'm sorry.

This is not cool, guys!

Yeah, we could just throw our rubbish in the big bins over there.

That'll stop the foxes too.

A wild piss is one of life's little pleasures, Twiggy.

Can we stop talking about pee?

Yeah, and please don't call me Twiggy.

Ah, it's only a bit of fun, Twiggy.

Can you keep it down, please?

Some of us are trying to sleep! It's 8:15!

- Sorry! - Yeah, I'm out of here.

See you in the morning.

Yeah, yeah.

Look, Diego, just move everything you can to the other freezer

and I'll call the refrigeration company in the morning, all right?

Goodnight.

Great, you made it.

Why does it smell like a Vauxhall piss club out there?

Delivery from The Breakfast Club?

Yeah, great. Three bacon rolls, yeah? - There you go.

No! You're not meant to have fruit in a freezer!

- Thanks, mate. - Thanks.

Dells! Morten! Bacon sarnies are here!

God, do you know, I thought that camping would be tough,

but it's actually really fun, innit?

- Morten! - No, you've got to use the...

Right, I'm off for a shower.

Help yourself to my bladder!

Sorry, wrong shower!

Holy Mother of God.

Okay, boys. Six kilometer hike to the standing stones.

JJ, you can bring up the rear, the little kids can go in the middle,

and I'll lead from the front.

Um, actually, I'll, um... I'll lead if that's okay.

Ah... okay.

Somebody wants to be the head of the pride.

Can you read a map?

I've got my phone, mate. It's the 21st century.

That's not really in the spirit of orienteering, mate.

Who cares as long as we get there?

Let's roll!

- Bye, guys! Have the best time. - Bye, mom.

Right, follow this path, fellas.

See you later, my lady.

Isn't he great?

So, our dilemma was, do we try and cross the piranha-infested river...

Oh, that doesn't sound good. - What?

- You're joking! - Or do we walk back the same track

where we saw the fuckin' crocodile?

- No! - Mmm-mmm.

Okay, we can go right just around here.

Um, Ned, mate, you got your phone on you?

No. Johannes said leave it behind because

"what goes on tour stays on tour."

Oh, shit.

I'll just get your golf clubs.

- Right, thanks. - Can I get one small one as well?

Georgie, come here. Come on. Come over here.

Darling, what is going on? I just want us to have a nice time

and you're making it really remarkably un-fun.

I'm literally on holiday with my ex

and you're rubbing it in my face with your new boyfriend.

Well, newsflash, Georgie, I'm not having the best time either!

I haven't urinated for 26 hours and I have a borderline UTI!

So I would really appreciate it

if you would just stop moaning for 15 minutes,

and try and smash a ball up a windmill.

Ugh!

Right. Who's next?

Can I have one of those, please?

- Yeah. - Sure.

Thank you.

Uh, sorry, can we just have two of those, please? - Sure. There you go.

Thank you.

That's the stump we passed before.

Whoa, whoa, whoa. Are we lost, Twiggy?

No. It's fine. I think if we just keep heading up this track here...

Okay, everybody, stop.

JJ, hand me the map.

I know where we are.

Well, you obviously don't because we keep doing loop-the-loops.

Show me where you think we are on your phone.

Yeah, well, I...

I can't, because the battery's out.

Aaah!

Twiggy! That is too funny.

- Oh, my God! - You've got to be kidding me!

Why didn't you say anything, Dad?

It's okay, it's fine, it's fine. I'll lead. It's this way.

Onwards!

Yeah, you lot...carry on ahead.

I'm going to go back to the campsite.

Okay, Twiggy! Don't get lost!

Thirty five.

Thirty six.

Thirty seven. Oh, God.

Don't look at him.

Just concentrate.

Thirty eight. Oh, fuck!

Yeah, I just sent you a video on how to reset the thermostat, Diego.

Della! Dels! Are you playing or what?

I'll call you back, okay? Yeah, yeah, yeah.

- Isn't camping lush? - Yep.

You know, I was thinking that we could take the summer holidays off

and do a bit of road trip round Italy... - Are you mad?

How do you think I can take six weeks off the restaurant?

Just do it. You're the boss.

Yeah. Exactly.

I'm the boss. I'm in charge.

Do you know, some of the shit you come out with sometimes.

I just thought it'd be fun.

If I'm not at Shin or Double Shin, it's a shitstorm, Fiona.

Look what a mess it is and I'm only away for one night.

I don't think you appreciate

how difficult it is to do my job sometimes. Or any job!

Well, I'm sorry.

I thought it'd be a nice, fun family holiday.

Maybe you should have stayed in your bloody kitchen

overcooking your overpriced burgers. -

It's not even real golf!

Focus.

Hundred fifty-six.

Hundred fifty-seven.

- Hundred fifty-eight. - Anne.

I think you need to step away from that alligator's hole.

Yeah, I'm just going to...

go back to my tent and have a lie-down. - Yeah.

Still got it.

Can I have a word?

- You all right? - I should never have come on this stupid trip.

Yeah, I know how you feel.

I'm having a bit of a shocker myself.

I think my business is about to close.

Oh, shit.

I massively overstretched myself with Double Shin.

We're hemorrhaging money.

I think we've four, maybe five weeks left.

I'm shitting my pants.

- Have you told Fi? - No.

I can't tell her.

Do you want to split this antique ecstasy pill with me?

- Where did you get that? - Found it in my tent.

Probably been there since the last time I went to Glastonbury, so...

God knows if it still works.

Mmm.

Oh, my God! Oh, my bladder!

Thank you for the lift.

I'm a pervert.

I've been given a formal warning for ogling men.

I can't stop myself.

Oh, Anne.

God, I've spent all these years

repressing the fact that I should have been out there sowing my oats

instead of marrying the first man who came along and now

it's all just bubbling over and I can't help myself.

Stop this, Anne. You're peri-meni. We all are.

Oh, speak for yourself, Fi.

Is that what this is?

It's your body getting rid of the last of your eggs.

You're looking for anybody to impregnate you.

It makes you an absolute horndog.

Well, that actually makes a lot of sense.

Thanks, Fi.

That's a relief.

I don't even care about cock. It's got me too.

Wow.

Must be really hard for you being around Johannes, Anne.

You know, because...

he's so sexy.

Actually, no.

He's the only man who doesn't arouse me.

Oh, for God's sakes.

Would you stop drinking in front of me, Anne?

Oh, come on now.

Look, if you won't use the campsite loos, so be it,

but at least try and have a wee in that copse over there.

- No one's going to see you. - Just go!

- I'm so desperate. - Go on now!

Oh, God!

- Do you feel anything? - Nope.

What was that?

I'll go check.

Ah, cool.

- Baby, you okay? - Mom?

Snake. Snake!

Snake. It's a snake!

- Snake! - Wow. Cool!

That's sick.

This isn't a snake. This is an earthworm with a leather jacket.

- What's all the screaming? - Look, you seen this, boys?

Yeah, I'd put that down if I was you, mate. That's an adder.

You want to see a real adder,

you should see the puff adders back in Kruger...

Oh, my God! Johannes!

- Little shit bit me. - Right.

We need to get you to hospital. - What?

Keep your hair on, Twiggy. It's only a silly little baby snake.

- It's poisonous, Johannes. - What?

Oh, it's poisonous, is it? Right, fine.

Okay, well, better suck the poison out, then, hadn't I?

No, Johannes, don't. Johannes, please, stop. - Are you filming this?

Now you're just putting poison in your mouth.

You should listen to him, Johannes.

Mal's a gardener. He knows about snakes.

- Shut up, JJ. - Okay!

See? It's abtholutely fine.

Oh, my tongue's gone flat.

Oh, for God's sakes, Johannes! Right, come on.

- We're going to hospital. - I don't need to go to the hospital.

You do. Mal, will you come with us, please?

Uh, I don't know if that's a good idea.

Just to sit in the back with him, please.

Just go.

- Please come with us. - I don't need to go to hobbital.

Fine. okay, it's okay.

Don't panic, guys, don't panic! Everything's okay.

Johannes, hang in there. We're nearly there.

Mal, are you all right?

- Mal? Mal! - Yeah.

Yeah, I'm fine.

Can you turn that music up a bit?

- What? There isn't any music. - Oh.

Cool.

Thought you'd bogged off back to Shin.

- Let's go to Morocco! - Yeah, right.

No, I'm serious. Let's go at half term.

You, me and Morten.

Let's just go and eat tagine and go to the souk and ride camels

and it'll be amazing because it'll only be three of us

and we won't be anywhere near the restaurant

and I'll turn my phone off and it'll be amazing.

You've never turned your phone off.

Fuck my phone, fuck work. Fuck everything.

Oh, you were right.

- I love you so much, baby. - Are you serious?

Here, take my credit card. Book it.

Casablanca, here we come!

Yeah, so I'm going to get my phone

because it has all my passwords and photographs in it, so...

- Where is it? - You lobbed it in that bush, mate.

Sick!

Stinks of piss over here.

I think there's bound to be clean toilets in the Bupa wing, don't you?

You shouldn't be with Johannes.

What?

He's not good enough for you, Amanda.

Well, I think you're in the minority there, Mal,

because everyone clearly adores Johannes.

God, sorry, your...

Your hair is like it's made of golden beams of light.

Can I bob your hair?

Oh, great.

Johannes says, "You can pop in and see me now." Great.

Right. I shall pop in.

- Hey! - Hi!

They need to keep me in overnight.

They said the venom from the snake that bit me

was more akin to that of a king cobra.

- Isn't that something? - Yeah.

Do you mind if I use your loo quickly, Johannes? - No, of course.

I will be safe to travel back to London in the morning.

The only thing is, it takes some time for the poison

to leave your system.

So is it okay if I stay with you?

- Amanda? - Of course.

Amazing!

It'll only be for a couple of weeks, a month max. Is that okay, baby?

Great!

Keep at it. Ha! The brave soldier returns!

How are you feeling, Your Highness? - Ohh.

It was actually the worst they've ever seen, Anne. - Wow.

But they said my body reacted so powerfully to it

because I have such a strong immune system.

- Right. - Yeah.

We could get a guide to take us up the Atlas mountains.

And I've enquired about that riad

that Damon Albarn uses every Christmas.

And then I reckon that we just spend, like, ages by the pool

- just doing nothing. - Ned, um, you don't have to do that, mate.

No, it's all right, Dad. I actually slept in here last night.

What? Is everything all right, Dad?

Yeah, no, I'm good. I'm just a little bit emotional today.

- Yeah? - I'm good, I'm good. That really touched me.

Do you want a hug or something?

Yeah.

- Good man. - Listen.

Johannes is going to come and stay with us for a couple of weeks

while he recovers from his bite.

But if you feel in any way uncomfortable about that...

No, I think that's a nice thing to do.

And if he's your boyfriend, then... - Yeah.

So you're sure that you definitely don't mind

and you don't want me to ask him to go?

Because just say, and I could easily break up with him.

Nah, he's all right. And he'll probably give us money, so...

- Right. - Hey, boys! Come and say goodbye.

Stay strong.

You're a legend.

Good man. Spend it wisely.

I'm proud of all of you boys!

- Appreciate it. - That's okay.

Georgie! Come on, we're going!

- Bye. - Bye.

I hate you for making me leave!