Original subtitles

If you want to create a space like this,

this is my advice, be intentional, and be more with less.

You know, guys, it's funny.

I have this thing I say,

why spend money on material things when space and light is free?

Georgie! Focus, please.

There's something missing.

A flatscreen TV? And something to sit on?

I need an "objet" that speaks to the sincerity of the space.

Hi, Mal.

Ah, come for your post, have you? - Well, I...

Just to clarify, I'm 34. You're 34A.

This makes no sense, I have the front door.

I should be 34 and you should be 34B.

Either way, can you just use the right address

so I don't get all of your deliveries

for perimenopausal skin supplements?

They're for my mother, thank you.

Er, Mal, this is actually a professional call.

You're a landscape person.

Where would I find a branch?

Have you tried a tree?

Oh!

No, Mal, you're grand.

Anne, um, down a bit.

Mm. Yeah, up a bit.

No, down, down a bit.

So, Della, I heard a rumour that you are doing the car boot BBQ.

Oh, yeah, yeah.

My wife kindly volunteered my services.

Because, you know, after a hard week of frying meat in a restaurant,

you really want to fry meat in a car park.

Well, all I might ask is that you don't make anyone sick,

like they were at a certain teenage rampage at your house.

Do you want me to raise funds for your new bog or what, Anne?

It's not my new bog.

It's actually a macerator for the clubhouse toilets.

What, our trusty rusty coat hanger's finally given out, then?

Yeah, I'm afraid so.

It got a real hammering at the crown bowls disco last weekend.

Hi, all! Hi, hello.

- How are ya? - This is Felicity.

- Oh, you brought your mammy! - Yes!

If I'd have known, I'd have brought my mammy. - Aw.

And we could have had a Bring Your Mammy To The Park day.

Right. Er, this is Fi and this is Della, of Shin fame.

- Sinn Fein? - Fame. Shin fame, Mummy.

Famous for her restaurant, Shin.

Fashion?

- Stylist. - Model.

You've still got it, babe.

And are you a big fan of the football, Felicity?

Oh, God, no. No, I'm here for my sportybob, Georgie.

And the shorts.

Sorry, Mal, Mummy's never head of the Me Too movement.

I have, thanks. We used to call it flirting.

Hey, Brat Gurl Summer.

Look at you! Very cute.

- Very demure. - Kill me.

You smell very lush.

Is that, um, Tom Ford?

Nah. It's just me.

Um, you checking out your socials?

You should follow me. Look up "Senuous." - Sensuous?

Sen-u-ous.

- That's it! Yeah! - Is that even a word?

Well, it means sumptuous luxury, also very lithe. Very supple.

I had to create a word to capture me.

I'm very hard to describe.

Tall, blonde, posh.

That's very reductive, Mal.

Anyway, my mantra is minimal, natural, simple.

I'm actually reclaiming the word "simpleton."

Oh, well, if anyone can.

You should follow me, Della. It's a public account, so, yeah.

- I'll give you a follow. - Um... yeah.

- Yeah, sure. - I had to set up an account to keep eyes on Darius.

At the moment it's all Fortnite and Gladiators and, er, UK trap drills.

What about his Finsta?

- What about his what-sta? - "Fake Insta."

It's where the kids put all the stuff

they don't want the olds to read.

Darius doesn't have one of those.

According to Mumsnet, they all do.

Don't go there, Anne. It's a can of worms.

Anyway, er, Senuous is really gaining traction.

I've actually just been approached

to do a piece on minimal living by a magazine.

You might have heard of it, Della. SoHaHighLife? - No.

Ah, the free estate agent's mag? - Yes!

Yeah. We use it for Morten's rabbit hutch.

Yeah, it's gratis, but it's very aspirational.

For rabbits.

So there is a photographer coming on Monday.

Yeah, just some informal shots of me and my crib.

Next stop, Living Etc, probably.

I don't know.

If you have any bric-a-brac

that you want to off-load for the car-boot sale tomorrow?

I mean, maybe like a single candle or something, Anne.

What about all the stuff you dumped in my garage

when Johnny stopped paying for your storage?

Hardly bric-a-brac, Mummy,

like, a couple of curated items from my style archive.

Does SoHaHighLife know you're a secret hoarder?

We're going to need a bigger boot.

Anne, focus. Mal needs a hand.

Oh, sorry.

Look, Amanda, I found your high horse!

Very amusing, Mal.

This was actually the focal point of my old extension.

Can I keep this here, Mummy?

No, darling, I'm converting this into a home sauna.

I haven't got space for it elsewhere.

You have four bedrooms and two receptions and a conservatory.

It's not my fault I got to keep the house in my divorce.

Yes, I am single.

Don't worry, she has a carer to keep her company.

She was not a carer, she was my PA.

I had to let her go when I found her wrist deep in my Creme De La Mer.

This is great, actually.

It's really good, yeah.

No, I'm so ready to streamline all these investment pieces.

Hello, Anne? Could you doomscroll on your own time?

OK, it's just that the way to find a kid's Finsta

is through his Rinsta followers.

And I've just noticed that Darius is being followed by Pierce Brosnan!

Oh!

- Actually, no, sorry. - It's, um, Percy Bronsan.

Right.

He's my uncle and he's a GP in Kildare. - OK.

Did you used to live in a stately home?

Mal, no! Don't be silly.

No, this was my last-minute mirror for touch-ups by the front door.

Right, what about you, Felicity? You carbooting?

Do you want to stick anything in the van?

Sadly, no, I've got to say goodbye to my darling friend Bunny tomorrow.

Oh, nice. Where's she off to?

The afterlife, if there is such a thing.

Actually, Bunny was an atheist, so probably not for her.

- Shit. Sorry. - Who's Bunny?

We modelled together in the '80s. - Aw.

She had an incredible right leg

and my left was a standout,

so we often got booked together for hosiery shoots.

- Oh, sweet! - Yes.

Anyway, dead now.

Does Amanda actually make any money from this Senuous stuff?

Oh, God, no.

Her ex, Johnny, he covers the mortgage and the child support.

And her aunt died a couple of years ago and left her a bit,

but she's probably come to the end of that now...

- Oh! - What?

I've just found it! Darius' Finsta!

Ha! It wasn't even that difficult. -

Holy Christ!

What?!

It says he's in a relationship! What does that mean?

Darius has a girlfriend. Or boyfriend.

Who is she? I mean, it doesn't say. How do I find her?

- Or him. - I've just run out of juice.

Get me a cable. Don't just sit there, Mal, I need juice!

All right, calm down!

Here, breathe into this.

I told you not to go there.

I've just inhaled a crisp crumb.

Sorry, oh!

Ah, look at those, uh...

...grassy basket things you've made.

They're fantastic.

Shall I hang some around your table?

Yep, but I wouldn't want them to catch on fire, you see.

- I'll be over there, setting up. - Yeah, go.

Looking good, babes.

Yep. Bring her in.

Bring her in.

Yep, Keep going.

Bring her in.

Whoa! OK, yeah.

You're grand there.

Mal!

Still no obvious signs of arousal or flirtation.

And a top of the morning to you too, Anne.

I've been watching Darius like a hawk

and I'm still none the wiser about his secret girlfriend.

- Or boyfriend. - Do you know who he's getting with, Ned?

Is it a girl at school? Who's he shifting? - Anne!

What? It only means kissing with tongues.

Ugh!

Where shall I park, Anne, please? - Oh, right, yeah, uh...

...just, uh, follow the cones all the way down to the end

and the Under-12s' goalie will find a space.

Hey, Amanda! Just follow the cones down

and the Under-12s' goalie will show you the way.

Amanda! Amanda.

Amanda!

Della, hi! Is this spot free?

- No, that's the fire break. - OK, thanks.

- Hi, Amanda. I'm sorry... - Hi, Anne!

I'm sorry, that's not a spot.

I'll have to put you in the overspill. - No, here's great.

- Fi! - Hiya, Mands.

Hey, kids!

Um, your parasol is encroaching on the walkway.

- Is it, though? - It's a trip hazard, and that is a naked flame.

And this whole scenario is like the opening sequence

of an episode of Casualty.

Happy?

I'm going to check out the stalls. - OK.

Oh, Manus, nothing that won't fit in a drawer or the bin, please!

Amanda!

- Come and get your stuff! - Yeah, bring it over!

I said, come and get it!

Yes! Bring it over!

You getting rid of all your crap?

I wouldn't call it crap.

But, um, yeah, as it says on my profile, I don't amass, I eschew.

Bless you.

You know, I Stacey Solomoned my basement. - Oh!

I need to make room for my new workshop.

You know, I really believe that there is money to be made in this.

- Here, for you. - Ah!

- Is it kindling? - No.

I did a wicker weaving workshop.

- Ah. - I can't stop.

You've got to get into basketry, babe. It's like pure mindfulness.

And you get a rattan coaster at the end. - Wow.

- Thanks, Fi. - You're welcome.

I'm sorry!

Sorry, sorry, I've not arranged everything yet.

Could you just not touch the...

I'm looking for a hoover. Have you got one?

Do I look like I sell hoovers?

I don't think so, no.

- What's this? - A candle snuffer.

To snuff out candles at the end of a dinner party.

- 20p? - Please, move on.

We haven't even officially opened.

I literally owned it, then!

Ooh! Is this a scythe?

Um, no.

God, man, you really know your tools.

Here, I did a coffee run.

Thought you could do with a caffeine injection. - Oh, thanks, JJ.

- You got a good spot? - Oh, yeah.

Got here at 6am.

Had the whole car park to myself for an hour and a half.

You would not believe how many seagulls there are

at that time in the morning.

And this is London!

Yeah, black-headed, not herring, but still.

- How are you, JJ? - Hey, Anne.

Ready to raise some serious masticator money.

Abs has had me emptying out the loft all week.

Oh! Are you extending up?

JJ's building me a mini gym.

Yeah, but I'll probably eff it up!

I'm not good with my hands, not like your dad.

Oh, yeah, you be careful.

My cousin Gerard, he fell off the roof when he was doing our loft.

Yeah. Landed on the barbecue,

got a shashlik skewer right through the thigh.

Missed his testicle by a whisker.

I would recommend him for your loft but, um,

he has flashbacks every time he sees a ladder.

And also, he's just moved to Canada.

- Oh. - Yes...

Oh, come for your high horse, Amanda?

Yes, you've done that joke, Mal.

Anne, could you give me a hand, please?

Yeah, yeah, I'd love to.

It's just, I do need to keep eyes on Darius, though.

Anne, leave him be! He'll tell you when he's ready.

- I told my mammy everything. - Yeah?

First period, first shift,

the time I thought I broke my hymen on a see-saw.

If I asked Mummy anything personal,

she just steered me to the Just Seventeen problem page. - Oh.

That's kind of sad, Amanda.

Yes, that's a bolster. Isn't it lovely?

It matched the blinds in my second spare bedroom.

It's, uh, silk from a kimono.

- Would you take 50p? - No.

Um, I was thinking more in the region of £85.

Mummy?

What are you doing here?

Oh. I decided I needed a clear-out after all.

How was the funeral?

It was a riot, Amanda.

No, it was bloody depressing.

I got away as soon as I could.

Just a lot of old people crying.

- Oh, Mummy. - Is this still drinkable?

Oh, I wouldn't, Mum. It's probably been in there... a while.

Who's the biftek hache on bao?

- Here. - Yep, thank you.

Got any ketchup?

Your parasol has crept into the thoroughfare again, Della.

- Does it matter? - Well, if everyone took an extra inch,

what do you think would happen?

Nothing, Anne. Nothing would happen.

Is there nowhere else you can stick it?

Oh, no, there is.

You're fecking kidding me!

Oh, wow!

- Having a good boot, Manus? - Yep.

I got some loafers for school, a burner phone.

Ooh, and...

...an Eiffel Tower snow globe for Gangan.

Ah, nice!

I used to have one just like this.

Exactly like this, actually.

I got it off Ned's dad.

- I'm Ned's dad. - Oh.

Um... his other dad?

Payback. For the coffee.

Thanks, mate.

So, um, I found a working Acorn computer,

but Abs says I'm under strict instructions

not to bring anything home.

I think that's a brandy bottle.

Limoncello.

Oh, yeah.

That was in our hallway.

Abs wants to put up a photo wall of the kids.

There should be a hat for this.

Oh, is that what this is?

A tiny camel hat.

You know, have it.

You know what? Take anything you like.

We're just trying to reclaim some loft space.

Yeah, well, think of the space you'll save

- when you get rid of this. - Yeah.

Oh, Mal!

Mal. Mal, wait!

Can you open your van, because I need to put this back in?

Do I have to lug all your old shit home again?

Not sure there's any need to be quite so micro-aggressive.

OK.

- It's Morten Fry! - What?

Why does it have to be Fi and Della's kid?

That pair of booze pushers, they practically alcohol-poisoned Darius

and now he's going steady with their daughter!

Honestly, I think you should be relieved, Anne.

I mean, at least he's not an incel.

Can you do this? I've done a lot of lifting today. - Yeah.

Darius, he needs boundaries. He's so suggestible.

I mean, they'll have him ballooning crack

before he's even sat his GCSEs.

Anne, those gals are just loosey-goosey,

that is the way they roll.

Don't be so uptight. Watch the corners, it's an antique!

- Can you lock up? - Yeah.

Amanda, darling, can you pass me that decanter?

I need a top-up.

Yeah, I mean, you have the baldies and the alkies

and the fatty gammons, that makes sense,

but slim women with great legs, no!

This death thing is out of control, Fi.

They're coming for the models now.

Honestly, babe. You've got to get into wicker.

Since I started this fruit bowl, I haven't thought about death once.

Well, it's all I can think about now.

I'm next on the list, I know it.

Can we please stop talking about death, Mummy?

Yeah, let's talk about life!

I bet your mate Bunny had a brilliant life.

- What was she like? - Hmm.

She was great fun, actually.

A real fixture of the scene.

I last worked with her in '98 on a Scholl shoot.

I never understood why she gave up.

She had a good eight years of modelling left in her.

Ten with a decent Factor 50.

But, no, she jacked it all in and opened a big cat sanctuary.

Oh, she had lions?

No, normal, small cats.

A big small cat sanctuary.

Oh.

Oh. That's lovely.

Gosh, you've got great taste.

Thank you.

You should follow me on the socials. My handle's Senuous.

Sensuous?

Senuous. S-E-N-U-O-U-S.

Oh, are you an influencer?

I see myself as more of a visual storyteller.

They're actually doing a feature on me in SoHaHighLife next month.

- Wow! - A pretty big deal.

- Yeah. - Oh!

- Love this guy. - Isn't it great?

- What a lot of fun. Oh. - So good, isn't it?

God, he'd look great in the corner of my kids' bedroom.

No, it wouldn't. Um, this is a focal piece.

You don't put horsey in the corner, you would build a room around him.

- Oh. All right. - Yeah.

What would you let him go for?

- Ooh... - Go on.

- £125. - Oh, OK.

Or maybe... Sorry, more probably like £500.

Please don't finger my pouffe.

Yeah, I'll have a think about it.

Uh, Mummy, would you keep an eye on my stuff?

And if anyone wants to buy anything, just tell them I'll be back in a mo.

- OK. - You know, I'm with Bunny.

I couldn't wait to get out of fashion.

I mean, I don't regret it, I loved all the free shit,

but once we'd had Morten,

don't know, just didn't have the appetite for it.

There's more to life than clothes and after-parties.

Yeah. Is there, though?

Hi. Where's the tall, blonde posh woman that was here?

Oh, she'll be back in a jiffy.

I was hoping to buy the horse.

Oh, God, no, go for it.

Um, what shall we say, uh, 20?

20? Seriously?

All right, um, 15.

Great!

There you go.

Lovely!

Ah!

I never did like that horse.

Always felt it was looking down on me.

What's her problem?

She hates the Irish.

Oh, my God. Oh, my God, Mummy,

where's my high horse, my horse horse... my horse?

Well, somebody bought it.

I thought you'd be pleased, now you're a minimalist.

What?

Who took it?

Mummy, which way did they go?

No, Darius just isn't ready,

I mean, he's only just learnt to clip his own toenails.

Morten is going to eat him alive!

It's fine, Anne. They'll go out and then they'll break up

and all the keepsakes that they collected when they were together

will end up being sold to some stranger for a quid.

Oh, Mal, what's wrong?

Abs is Marie Kondoing me out of her history.

That poster of the bus route between Abs' old flat and mine.

The limoncello bottle we drank the night I proposed to her.

This stupid money box we bought to save up for our honeymoon,

Abs kept raiding it to buy weed.

Mal, are you still in love with your ex-wife?

Are you mental? Have you met her?

Do you know she has an Uber rating of 3.6?

That's a red flag.

- How much for the loppers? - Um...

You know what, mate? Just take 'em. I don't care any more.

Guys, have you seen my horse?

- No. - No.

Oh, my God.

Hey!

Hey, excuse me. I'm sorry, that's my horse.

- My horse isn't for sale. - Oh!

Sorry!

No, but I've actually just bought it off your sister, so...

That's my mother and she made a mistake. I'm sorry!

Oh, bless her! But I have paid good money for this now, so...

Oh, you can absolutely have your money back

but, please, this really means a lot to me.

It was actually the focal point of my old extension. - Oh, sweet!

Yeah, yeah, it was, actually. Thank you! - But it's mine now.

- Oh, thanks for understanding. - So if you could just get off!

- You get off! - Get off!

Get off my high horse!

Get off!

Delete that!

Delete that.

I'm sorry, it's only bog roll.

I can't use that.

Give me your sleeve.

- OK. - You've much nicer things than that wooden pony, Amanda.

You don't get it, Anne. You're not a style obsessive like me.

You probably couldn't name, like, a single interior designer.

- Lawrence Llewellyn Bowen. - Exactly.

Well, there's a reason

that horse was in storage for the last three years. - Yeah.

Because my ceilings aren't high enough.

No, it's because that horse belongs to the old Amanda.

I just don't know if I'm ready to give up on Regency proportions.

I miss Chiswick, Anne!

Yeah, but Chiswick doesn't deserve you.

You're the queen of SoHa now.

You're a big fish in a...

...in an up-and-coming pond.

- Yeah, you're the new Amanda. - Yeah.

So much bolder, brighter, braver.

I couldn't do what you're doing, reinventing yourself.

Yeah.

Thanks for saying that.

You're like Madonna.

Not Madonna, Anne. She's, like, 70.

Oh, yeah, yeah. Sorry.

What?

Darius!

Oh, my God.

- Darius is shifting Georgie! - Oh, my God.

Oh, thank Christ he's not with Morten!

Oh, Amanda. This is the best thing ever!

We're practically like in-laws now!

Yay! Aw, look. Tears of joy.

Yo, flogged all your hoes?

Um, done all right. People love an old tool.

Takes one to know one.

No, but seriously.

Listen, this is for you.

Anne told me you were a bit, like, cut up.

So I thought I should repatriate these to their rightful owner.

Right. Yeah. It's really not that big of a deal.

I get it, I do.

Abs is an amazing woman.

And after everything that happened...

I'm not quite sure what you...

I just want you to know I feel sick to my stomach about it, Mal.

No, I do, because I have to live with the fact

that I stole another man's wife!

- No, but you didn't. - You don't have to say that.

We'd been divorced for two years before you guys even met.

Oh, will you stop being the nice guy?

I don't deserve you.

If I could be one tenth of the man you are.

You even give amazing hugs.

I should move my car.

But, seriously, though... thanks.

- Ned! - What?

That's my stuff.

Oh!

My bad. I thought this was a bin.

Did you get your big horse back, darling? - No.

I decided to let it go. Move on.

Mal's taken the rest of my stuff to the charity shop.

I'm fully embracing my simpleton lifestyle.

Turn that page. Start anew.

Yeah. Leave the past behind.

My old friend Bunny would approve.

Oh, Mummy.

But she had a great life, right?

Yeah, well, you know.

She died alone in a tiny flat, surrounded by cats.

I told you, it was a very depressing funeral.

But you do you, darling.

Who burnt this basket?

Oh, God.

Dels, babe.

I think I've found my calling!

- Oh. - I just bought it off that bloke for a fiver!

Yep. Lovely.

- Yeah! - Great.

I'm just going to chuck in the back of the car, actually.

Sorry!

So, have you worked for SoHaHighLife for long?

I'm, er, freelance.

Oh, cool.

- Oh, just tuck that... - Oh, behind?

Yeah.

Sorry, do you think I could get a glass of water?

Of course, of course. Absolutely.

I love your minimal style!

Thank you.