Original subtitles

- Synced and corrected by Firefly - - www.addic7ed.com -

♪♪

So, I just got off the phone with the bank,

and apparently, I've gone past overdraft

into something they're gonna call "backdraft",

which means I'm on fire.

[CHUCKLES]

I need money fast, or I'm gonna lose my car.

Until we sell some ads,

there is no money coming in.

And I'm out there busting my ass,

but it is just really tough to get people

to commit to a magazine that doesn't exist yet.

So, what are you saying?

Y-You're saying this may not actually happen?

I don't know.

I told you, new businesses are hard to get off the ground.

Well, I mean, I don't know what I'm gonna do.

I was barely getting by when I had a job.

I haven't worked in months.

I maxed out all my credit cards,

including the one that came in Becky's name

that she doesn't even know about.

I'm gonna have to get another job.

What am I gonna do?

Other than writing, I'm basically unemployable.

Oh, come on. You're gonna be fine.

You have lots of skills.

Don't make me name them.

Hi. Are the machines empty?

Hey, um, it's great to get to see you

when you come over to do laundry.

Is there a way I can enjoy your company

that doesn't cost me water and electricity?

I'm not going to the laundromat.

Last time, I caught some weirdo

smelling one of my bras.

I don't care if he works there.

It's not cool.

Hey, you know,

Harris works at Price Warehouse.

Maybe she could help get you a job there.

Oh, God. Has it come to that?

Alright, I guess I could ask her,

but she wouldn't even let me work

in her pretend bakery when she was 7.

She said I depressed the customers.

[LAUGHS]

Hey. Quick question.

Is Price Warehouse hiring?

Yeah.

Do you know someone who's looking for a job?

I desperately need a carpool buddy.

Yes, it's me, your mommy.

Oh. Oh.

Ah, I just got the newsletter.

All the positions have been filled.

It's crazy timing.

Harris, I wouldn't ask if I didn't really need this.

I'm gonna lose my car.

Oof. Eye roll.

Okay, fine, I'll refer you,

but I'm not gonna lie to them.

I'll say you're my mother and I kind of know you.

That's it.

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

"The Conners" is recorded

in front of a live studio audience.

Oh. Hey, Beck.

Who's the dude with Jackie?

She's dating him.

Okay.

For once, I'm gonna vet the guy

before he leaves her a shattered wreck.

Hey, Jack, what's up?

Not much. Good to see you, Dan.

Your takeout order's on the counter.

Don't mind if I do.

Dan Conner, Jackie's brother-in-law.

- Ron Dunchak. - [SIGHS]

I'm sorry for interrupting,

but I love to meet people.

What is it you do, Ron?

I'm retired.

I had parsley farms.

Made a great living on something

people pick out of their food.

What a coincidence.

I throw away your product every time I see it.

- [LAUGHS] - Wow.

[DOOR CLOSES]

I can't help admiring that wedding ring, Ron.

- What a beaut. - Happily married 30 years.

- And here she is. - Hi.

I'm sorry. Becky told me this was a date.

It is.

Dan, this is my lovely wife, Janelle.

Hi, Dan.

I'm confused, so I'm gonna go.

Have a nice time

doing whatever each of you thinks this is.

What the hell is going on?

You told me she was dating that guy.

Oh, she is.

And the girl.

The guy and the girl.

You getting this, old-timer?

So, Jackie, we're all having a great time.

- Mm-hmm. - And it just seems like

things would naturally progress to the next level.

And we were just wondering,

how many times do you usually go out with someone

before, you know, you... you sleep with them?

Oh, goodness, um, pbst, I don't know.

Um, 30, 40 times.

Um, what were you guys thinking?

Oh. [CHUCKLES]

So, we're there?

[CHUCKLES] Okay.

How does this work?

Do you go make a sandwich while we're doing it,

and then when you two are doing it,

do I go make a sandwich?

Or [CHUCKLES] am I the sandwich?

[LAUGHTER]

Ohh. Well...

Janelle thought all three of us should be together.

Yeah, right, 'cause when I Googled "thrupple",

that seemed to be pretty standard.

Yeah, I mean, I think it would make everybody

the most comfortable.

I've never been with a woman, Jackie. Have you?

Just myself, but that has not gone well.

- ♪♪ - _

Oh, hey, Harris. What do you think?

Mother-daughter beauty pageant.

We wear these? Huh?

[CHUCKLES]

You got the job. Congratulations.

So, who's going to be training

our newest and oldest team member?

Well, I was trying to decide who was gonna train your mom.

Then, I thought, "Hey, what's more comfortable

than being trained by your own child?"

Yeah. Um, do you have any kids?

No, I don't.

Oh, okay, then this makes more sense.

[SCOFFS] I can't believe they're making me do this.

Oh, you think this is bad for you?

Try taking orders from the person

who took off her diaper

and made me chase her through the airport.

Oh! What was that?

That's Schneider.

He's one of our automated associates

who sweeps the floor.

Oh.

I think he just hit me on purpose.

[SCOFFS] It's a robot, Mom.

You're just so small,

he probably thought you were something that fell off a shelf.

Okay, let's get to work.

I am now going to show you

how we do the Price Warehouse fold.

- Go. Arm. - [SIGHS]

- Arm. - Mm-hmm.

- Shoulder. - Mm-hmm.

Shoulder. Chop, flip.

Your turn.

[SIGHS]

Uh, no.

No.

No.

Unh-unh.

No.

Good God, woman, does it have to be exactly that way?

Yes.

Sheila is going to be judging me

on how well I train you.

So make sure everything in this section

is folded properly while I finish inventory.

Just follow the one I did.

[SIGHS]

Okay.

Arm... arm...

shoulder... shoulder...

chop... flip.

Oh, yeah! Who's your mommy?

Um, oh, I'm sorry.

I think maybe your size is on the bottom.

Uh, it's... it's on the bottom.

The bottom.

The very bottom.

It's on the damn bottom.

No! Go home.

Uh, I am so sorry, ma'am.

I'm a sales associate. How may I help you?

I'm looking for an XL.

Of course.

That is just right here on the bottom.

[SCOFFS]

Somebody should have told you. [SIGHS]

You can't tell the customers to go home.

Not even the stupid ones?

You asked for this job,

and what you do reflects on me.

So get it together and fold these.

The first three letters of "associate" are "ass".

What did you say?

What? Oh, nothing.

[CLEARS THROAT]

♪♪

[GROANING]

How was your first day?

Uh, I folded sweatshirts

and a robot pushed himself against me.

Did you report it?

'Cause you'll never win.

Robots cover up for other robots.

The real problem is they made Harris my boss.

[LAUGHS]

Oh, my God, that's hilarious!

They just made me a Price Warehouse customer for life.

[DOOR CLOSES]

[SIGHING] Hey.

- What the hell happened to your face? - [CHUCKLES]

What do you mean, what happened?

I shaved.

Without asking me?

I need your permission to do something with my face?

Uh, well, yeah. I'm the one that's got to look at it all day.

[LAUGHS]

Well, what's wrong with my face?

There's just too much of it.

So, you're saying I'm fat?

Oh, no, no, no, of course not.

It's just, your face... you got a fat face.

[BEVERLY ROSE CRYING]

Oh, uh, hey, bring little Bev up.

I'll take care of her for you.

Nah, she's gonna look at all this pale flesh

and be confused because there's no nipple on it.

Look, I thought I'd have a better shot at selling ads

as a clean-cut businessman,

and I was right.

These newly revealed dimples just got the guy at Garage Depot

interested in running a two-page spread.

- Oh, my God, that is fantastic! - [CHUCKLES]

Now I can tell Harris I'm quitting

and then make her fold all my sweatshirts.

Whoa! Hang on.

Now, he won't do anything

until he sees a sample of the new magazine first,

so I need articles, the layout, everything.

Alright, well, how long do I have?

Well, as soon as possible.

I don't want to lose this guy.

And these dimples only mesmerize for so long.

Hey, uh, what do you think?

Does this look right for a fancy restaurant?

Should I change? I should change.

You look fine. Why are you so nervous?

Tonight's the night with Ron and Janelle.

Uh, I, uh...

I shaved my entire body.

I don't know who's going where,

so I cleared the decks.

Ready for this?

Yeah, I really care about them,

and sex is a natural expression of closeness

between... three people.

Sorry, I-I couldn't help but overhear.

Can I offer a man's point of view that might be helpful?

Sure.

Are you out of your damn mind?!

You're a third wheel.

At some point, they're gonna get tired of you

and you're gonna get your heart broken.

You just don't understand our relationship.

You're way too square to get any of this.

I'm sorry, but nature works a certain way.

Tea for? Two.

Bicycle built for? Two.

Noah's ark... two lions, two giraffes.

It's not "Lady and the Tramp"

with another Tramp sucking on the middle of the spaghetti.

Ew!

Ew!

That's... not helpful, Dan.

I will make up my mind in the moment,

and that's that.

I think it's exciting.

But if you change your mind, remember,

"no" means "no"...

and "no".

♪♪

Oh, and I moved the "Mug Shot of the Week" column

to the front page so that it pops.

Oh, yeah, that makes sense.

Hey, how are you able to do this at work?

What are you doing?

Are you [CHUCKLES]...

Are you hiding in a dressing room?

[KNOCK ON DOOR]

SHEILA: Darlene, are you in there?

Ooh, busted. Later.

Hey, team, what are you guys doing here? Shouldn't you be working?

You're responsible for your crew, Harris.

When they fail, you fail.

And when you fail, I fail.

And I am this close

to going to the managers' conference in Branson.

Two words... The... Judds.

Do you have any idea how bad this makes me look?

You just got me in huge trouble.

Well, I'm sorry. I had to finish this.

It's really important.

So is your job.

Hey, can't you just cover for me?

You know how many times I got you out of P.E.?

If anybody had their period that many times in a year,

they'd need a transfusion.

This isn't P.E., Mom.

This is the real world.

Uh, no, it isn't.

This is the third ring of Hell,

where you fold the same sweatshirt

over and over for an eternity.

You know, you're right.

You're way too good for this place.

So I'm gonna save you the bother of coming in anymore.

You're fired.

What?

You can't fire your mother.

You're not my mother.

You're Darlene from Women's Apparel,

and she sucks.

Don't forget to leave your vest on the way out.

Oh! Oh, no, not the vest!

Don't make me leave the vest!

What will I wear to meet the queen?!

♪♪

That dinner was amazing.

- [CHUCKLES] - Right?

Lobster was a little garlicky, don't you think?

It was, wasn't it? Mints, everyone?

- Oh. Yes. - Oh. Yeah.

Mm. Ron.

- Mmm. - Mmm.

Mmm.

Mm-hmm.

[CHUCKLES]

Mm.

How about some champagne?

Oh, yes, I'll take a bottle.

[LAUGHS] I'll get it.

- Thanks, honey. - [CHUCKLES]

[CHUCKLES]

[CHUCKLES] Oh, well, wow.

"The History of Parsley".

Well [CHUCKLES] you don't see that every day.

[GASPS]

Oh, uh, I guess you got started without me.

Well, we, uh, started talking about parsley,

and as you can imagine, one thing led to another.

Ron, I thought we agreed,

we were all gonna do this together.

I was just trying to break the ice, make Jackie more comfortable.

Oh, no, don't worry about me.

I've got a bottle of comfortable right here.

I'm just saying that I could have been in the room

when we were making Jackie more comfortable.

We're all here to have a good time, Janelle.

- That's great. When does my good time start? - Janelle.

- Ron. - Hey, Ron,

uh, if you kiss Janelle,

we can all be even and start fresh.

Maybe Ron's tired of kissing me.

At least, that's what he told the therapist.

I didn't say "tired of".

I said it felt like work.

Time to clock in, Ron.

Start kissing Janelle.

I don't think Janelle wants to be kissed.

I think Janelle wants to be mad.

Uh, you know, I was, uh,

formerly Lanford's leading life coach,

and I have found, what really helps in situations...

You know, this isn't gonna make you a man.

You failed at parsley,

and you failed as a husband.

Everything you touch dies!

Well, I've been touching myself for 20 years,

and I'm not dead.

I love Jackie.

You love what, now?

Come on, Jackie, you feel it, too, don't you?

Uh, I think this would be a good time

for me to get my swan and skedaddle.

Take me with you, Jackie.

No, not happening, Ron.

I wanted a nice old-fashioned threesome,

and you had to go make it weird!

Oh, I have to vent to somebody.

Your sister is out of her mind.

I only put up with it

because she's a joy to be around.

She completely disrespected me, so I had to fire her.

She comes in and she starts immediately screwing off,

and she gets me in trouble.

She doesn't care that she's ruining my life.

Well, she's horrible.

We thought you knew.

You really think I'm ruining your life?

We got to talk. Give us a minute.

Of course.

Don't try to blame this on me.

You could have given me a couple more hours

to finish the mockup.

You just don't get that I'm an adult now

and this is actually my career.

[SCOFFS] Okay.

You want me to treat you like an adult?

Here's a truth I would never tell a kid.

I'm desperate.

Please. We're all desperate.

No, you don't get it.

If Mark and I weren't here, living with your grandpa,

we would be on the street.

What do you mean?

You're starting that magazine up with Ben, right?

You're gonna be okay.

But that may never happen.

And this is my only shot at having some kind of future.

Wow.

I-I guess I didn't realize how bad it was.

I'm sorry, Mom.

Well, I appreciate that,

but you already fired me, so it's too late.

Oh, I'm not sorry I fired you.

I'm sorry I called you a bitch.

No, you... you didn't call me a bitch.

I did, after you left.

♪♪

Hey, how'd your date go last night?

Did you make God cry with your triangle of sin?

No, Dan, I did not.

And you were wrong.

They did not break up with me.

They broke up with each other over me.

I'm so sorry, Jackie.

Not as sorry as I am.

I shaved places that were not meant to have stubble.

Ugh.

Could light a match off my inner thigh.

Guess what.

We're in business.

Just got a call from the Garage Depot guy.

He loved the mockup and committed for months!

- Yes! - [LAUGHS]

This is amazing!

[LAUGHS]

Ye gods! What did you do?!

What happened to my beautiful hairy woodsman?

You know, I do have feelings in here.

Aww.

Oh, it feels like warm bologna

that's been sitting in the sun.

Feel it.

Okay, just come on,

get it out of your system

so we can all get on with our lives.

Gross. It's like the bottom of a foot.

No, no, it's softer.

It's like the flappy part of an old woman's arm

when she's waving goodbye.

Okay, enough!

Dan, help me out here.

Every man has the right to shave his own face.

I, for one, think it looks good.

I got tired of looking at that alpaca's ass.

[DOOR CLOSES]

Hi.

Hey, what are you doing here?

Aren't you supposed to be at work?

I got fired.

- Aw, no. - Oh.

No, wait, was it because of me?

No, stupid robot replaced us all.

Turns out he wasn't just sweeping the floors.

He was also secretly doing inventory.

Are they still gonna help you go to college?

- No. - Oh.

Aw, man. Sorry, honey.

Can I stay here tonight?

Yeah, of course.

Hey, you know it's gonna be okay, right?

Hey, cheer up.

Look at Ben's face.

It's funny, right?

Looks like somebody stuck eyes on a ham.

Hey, that couple over there wants to talk to you.

I'm just helping out, so I don't want to get involved.

Oh, man, I hope they didn't order the lamb goulash.

I told Dwight to throw that out.

No, they haven't ordered anything yet.

I don't think they're looking for the food.

They've both been checking Jackie out.

I think they're looking for a thrupple.

Oh, darn.

When you're in a small town, I guess everybody talks.

Well, I know I told everybody who came in.

Come over there with me.

The guy's wearing a giant cross.

Might be a weirdo.

Uh, may I help you?

Oh, I certainly hope so.

But, honestly,

we're only looking for one other person.

But we'd take two.

Well, I'm sorry.

I know what you may have heard,

but I'm really not a part of that lifestyle anymore.

What about the boy?

Well, that's very flattering,

but the boy's not interested, either.

[CHILD LAUGHS]

- Synced and corrected by Firefly - - www.addic7ed.com -