Original subtitles

♪♪

♪♪

Finbar, come on.

♪♪ Mom, don't call me Finbar, all right?

Finbar, I'm telling you because you're the only one who'll understand.

So you'll have to tell your brothers.

Understand what? What's going on? I'm leaving.

What do you mean you're leaving?

Your father's dead and buried now, and I gave him the best years of my life,

but now I have to go and live the rest of my life.

What the hell are you talking about? Watch your mouth!

I'm going back to Ireland.

For... For Mr. O'Shaughnessy?

I love him, Finbar. I've loved him my whole life.

Does... You know, does he even know you're coming?

Of course he knows. He's been waiting 35 years for this day.

Now come, give your mom a kiss. I have a plane to catch.

Are you sure you're gonna be all right? I'm going to be fine, darling.

And tell your brothers I'll explain everything when I call next week.

And promise me you won't make the same mistake I made.

I promise.

Good boy.

Good luck, Mom.

Cheers.

So, Barry, let me ask you. What's up with you and Heather?

You got this new one here in the house now, and you guys are all done?

Well, you know, I mean, just like any long relationship...

Long relationship? You were with her for six months.

Yeah, well, that's a long time, you know.

I mean... you know, the mystery was over, man.

I don't know why that happens.

It's God's way of testing you, Barry. You're failing.

Yeah. He loves to torture us.

So you believe in God now? This is... This is your story.

Oh, yeah, yeah, on his good days.

Then you're not a Catholic anymore.

No, I'm still a Catholic, I guess. You know, kind of.

Catholic? Who the hell are you kidding?

You haven't been in church since 10th grade.

Yeah, but, you know, who can deal with all that repression, anyhow?

Hey. Hey, repression is not such a bad thing, okay?

Especially for a savage like you.

So, when did all this happen?

I mean, what did she do, as I'm positive it's her fault completely.

You know, she started talking about getting married.

Marriage? Jesus. And what did you say?

I asked her, you know, who she was planning on marrying...

and if, you know, she'd be kind enough to invite me to the wedding.

You said that to her?

Good for her. I'm glad she threw you out.

So, where are you gonna live now, Mr. Hotshot Noncommittal?

I, uh... I don't know, man.

Don't even think about it.

Yeah, like I might ever live with this joker, right?

No, I'm gonna look for a place down in the Village tomorrow, I think.

Oh, the Village, huh? That's about your speed.

Yeah, you know. Okay.

We better get in. Molly's probably got it ready for us.

Look, you know, I don't care what anybody says.

It doesn't make a difference to me if he did or he didn't, right?

All I can say is, thank you for giving us John Jr.

I saw him jogging through the park yesterday.

Now, there is a real man.

Sounds like she really loves you, pal.

Oh, yeah, totally.

I think Molly's right. Thank you, Patrick.

Wait. What are you saying?

You don't like J.F.K. Now...

the only Irish-Catholic president of this great country of ours?

- Now you don't like him? - Listen, I don't... I don't care.

I don't care who the guy is. I don't care what kind of great stuff he's done.

I don't like a man who cheats on his wife. Period.

Oh, it's all just bullshit rumors.

I mean, the man was a great man.

Well, even if he did, that doesn't necessarily make him a bad man.

The man was the president of the United States.

He's under a lot of pressure. I think he was entitled.

Besides, he's screwing around with Marilyn Monroe.

I think it's a sign of a truly great individual...

who knows how to seize an opportunity like that.

You are demented, Barry.

Ah, this is thinking. This is a thought process.

Thank you for dinner, Molly. It was delicious.

Yeah. That corned beef and cabbage runs a very close second to our mother's.

Well, I hate to tell you guys this, but, uh,

Jack made the dinner.

Jackie, an all-star in the kitchen too. Barry, get this.

See, this just goes to show you how little my brothers actually know about me.

I mean, they probably see me like my dad who's...

Speaking of our favorite wife-beating, child-abusing alcoholic,

I, uh... I went down to the grave this morning.

And?

And I'm happy to report that he's still dead.

This is... This is funny stuff, Barry. Take it on the road, pal.

Anyway, see, these guys, they see me as this old-fashioned, conservative,

by-the-book kind of guy, when, in actuality,

I'm a progressively modern, politically correct housewife.

You sound more like half a fag there, Edith.

Mmm. You know, I could see you, you know, wearing an apron,

you know, with the skirt and those heavy clogs you like to wear,

maybe a Speedo thrown in for added effect.

What do you think?

I think I'm gonna throw you two a beating, that's what I think.

Listen, you guys. It's true. He does.

He cooks. He cleans. He does the laundry.

Leaves me all kinds of time for all those things I always wanted to do,

like change the oil in the car and fix the sink and mow the lawn.

I'd like to propose a toast.

To Molly,

my lawn-mowing, oil-changing,

sink-fixing, beautiful,

sweet, smart, sexy, sassy,

one-in-a-million Irish lass on her 30th birthday.

That means stand up, people.

Come on. Get up.

I love you, and although I missed the first 25 of your 30 years,

here's hoping that you'll keep me around for another 30.

- Happy birthday. - Happy birthday, Molly.

Happy birthday. Happy birthday, Molly.

Happy birthday, Molly.

What are you doing?

Nothing.

Let me ask you something, Barry.

What do I do now? Hmm?

What are you, retarded?

You wipe it off, and then you put it in the dishwasher, okay, genius?

No. No, not the... I mean with my life.

You know, I didn't think college would actually end.

I'm not ready to go out, be a real guy, get a... get a real job.

I'm not ready to move out of my dorm.

Do you know I didn't even think about that?

Where the hell am I gonna live?

What the hell are you worried about?

I mean, Susan told me that her father's already got a job lined up for you.

I know. I... I don't know if I should take it.

Susan's starting to scare me a little bit too.

Yeah, well, Susan does have that effect on people.

The other night, Barry...

you know, we're in my room, we're in my dorm room doing it.

Don't move.

What? Don't move.

I think I broke it. Oh, God.

Oh, whew. Oh, thank God. That was close.

They make these things so tight.

They ought to make them bigger for guys like... Shut up.

Yeah, you know that, baby. Yeah, right. I don't even know why you bother with this.

I'm on the pill. Hey. Hey, you can't be too careful.

And remember, I'm Catholic. I shouldn't even be doing this in the first place.

You know, we wouldn't even have to worry about it if we got married.

She said that? Married?

What is she, crazy? Yeah. Yeah, I think so.

So what do I do about this now?

You got to break up with her. I mean, you got to dump her.

Before you know it, she's gonna have you picking out wedding cakes.

You'll be asking me to be your best man...

and moving into the guest bedroom in her parents' apartment,

or worse than that, moving up into our old room in the attic.

So you think I should break up with her?

Yeah. You got to.

Thanks for driving me all the way into the city, Jack.

You really didn't have to do that. Hey, no problem.

Barry and half a bottle of Irish whiskey is not my idea of safe driving.

So...

other than cook corned beef and cabbage on his wife's birthday,

what does a high school basketball coach do with his spare time?

Oh, things like play golf,

fish, drink a lot of beers. Mmm. Mmm.

But I'm actually taking a sports management course at NYU right now.

Oh. Very exciting.

And, uh, Molly, what does she do?

She teaches English at the high school.

She's a teacher too. Really exciting.

What, did you two meet at a P.T.A. Meeting or something?

No, it was actually during cafeteria duty.

On the hot-lunch line, I hope.

Yeah, something like that.

Mmm.

I'll, uh, bet you were a big jock stud in high school, weren't you?

Running around in the backseat of your father's Buick...

breaking all the little girls' hearts.

No. I've, uh... I've always been pretty much a one-woman kind of guy.

Huh.

That's what my ex-husband said when I met him.

And he wasn't. No, he was.

I just wasn't a one-man kind of girl.

I don't buy that.

Your problem is that you just haven't found the right man yet.

I've found plenty of them.

My problem is that they all want to marry me.

You know, if I were smart, I'd find myself a nice married man.

What good would that do you?

Because then there would be no question...

as to what either one of us wanted from the relationship, now, would there?

Yeah. It's getting late.

Yeah.

Do you feel like coming up for a cup of coffee or something?

Oh, no, thanks. Um, I should be getting back to the island...

You know, traffic and stuff.

All right. Some other time, then.

Yeah, some other time.

Okay, some other time. Okay.

Thanks for the ride, Jack.

Have a good night. Bye.

Excuse me.

You're not Mrs. McKee, are you? No. She just left.

What do you mean, she just left?

I mean she was here a minute ago and now she's not.

Well, do you know where she went?

She was supposed to show me an apartment in this building.

Oh, you're the one. What is that supposed to mean? I'm the one what?

She wanted to get out of here before you got here.

Why? What the hell did I do?

She said you sounded a little crazy on the telephone. She didn't want to face you.

Me, crazy? She's the crazy one. Who does business like this?

Well, do you know where she went? Maybe she'll show it to me after she meets me.

No, she already rented it. That's why she felt bad.

I just spoke to her 10 minutes ago. Who could she have rented it to in that time?

Me.

You?

So you stole my apartment? That's not a very nice way to put it.

I'm not feeling very nice at this particular moment.

I've been looking at apartments all day, none of which I could afford.

And this one was finally in my ballpark. C'est la vie.

You should really let me look at it and then we could bid on it. That would be fair.

Who ever told you life is fair? Good-bye!

You know, hold up a second. I'm really sorry.

Um, my name is Barry.

Hello, Barry.

Um, I was thinking, why don't we go out for a cup of coffee or something?

We could work something out.

Thank you, Barry. I'm a married woman. You're married?

Yes. And I don't think my husband...

would appreciate me going out for drinks with a strange man.

Now good-bye.

Oh, man. I am a complete loser.

You are gonna love this place, Patrick.

It's only a one-bedroom, but Daddy says it's big enough for the both of us.

Get this. Honey, he paid for the first six months' rent.

I got it through his friend of his. It will be great until we get married.

Then we can move to that two-bedroom on the fourth floor.

I can't do it.

Can't do what?

I can't move into this apartment with you.

Why not? It's perfect.

I'm sure it is. But ethically, morally, I can't do it.

I can't live with a woman I'm not married to.

I mean, I would need for us to get married in order for me to feel comfortable.

We're gonna get married eventually, right? So what's the difference?

The difference is we're not married now.

And therefore, I would be living in sin.

We're not living in sin. We love each other.

What is that? What does that mean?

Listen, there's no amendment to the rule...

"living in sin lest you love," okay?

I can't do it, all right? That's the bottom line.

I know what you're doing here, you know.

I know that you're just... you're afraid of making a commitment like that.

You don't want to live with me, so you're using this as an excuse,

'cause you're not willing to make a commitment like that, are you?

No. No, Susan, it's not that. I swear.

Then what is it?

It's I'm a Catholic, that's what it is,

and there's certain rules and regulations you got to live by.

I'm living by them!

Hey, for the same reason you won't eat a bacon cheeseburger, huh?

This is a part of my baggage.

Well, then, I really think that you should consider converting,

because Daddy is going to be very upset.

She's right, isn't she?

But am I using this "living in sin" thing...

because I really don't want to live with her,

or do I really believe I should wait until I'm married?

Yeah, but if I obeyed every rule that said I should wait till I get married,

well, I'd still be a virgin.

Is that any way to go through life?

Well, I can't speak for sally-boy over here,

but for me, a few weeks, a month... A month, tops.

I don't know. Definitely longer than a few weeks.

A month. Thanksgiving.

Yeah, Thanksgiving is definitely the latest I'm here.

Thanksgiving?

Well, maybe... maybe not Thanksgiving.

How about... How about Christmas?

Yeah, Christmas will be the latest I'm here.

New Year's. Definitely no longer than New Year's.

Hey, Jack, I promise you I will not be here a day after the new year.

Not a minute. Not a second after the clock strikes 12:00.

Okay, you can stay.

Take your old room up in the attic.

It still has all your old furniture and shit in it, okay?

I know I'm gonna end up killing one of those guys.

Oh, you know what? I almost forgot to tell you.

Ann called to thank you for the dinner and for driving her home.

She seemed like such a nice lady, don't you think?

I suppose.

Shame Barry doesn't like her. Hey, Barry doesn't like himself.

Are you sure you're gonna be okay with all this?

Jack, they're your brothers.

You don't say no to family.

I would do anything for them.

Of course, if Patrick decides to start wearing my underwear...

Which he might. Which he might.

Besides, I think, uh...

We ought to start getting used to having to share this house with some other people.

I've already had plenty of practice in that department, thank you very much.

Well, you know, I'm not getting any younger, Jack,

and you said that we would be having kids before I turned 30.

And in case you forgot, I turned 30 last week.

And the only kids running around here are already in their 20s.

Come on, Molly. Kids are a big step.

I know that.

But I'm ready to make that step.

I don't care if we have to make a few sacrifices.

Look, kids need money for food and clothing, medication. Do you know what that means?

There'd be no more vacations to Ireland to see your grandmother or my mother,

no more trips to Aruba during winter recess, no more restaurants.

We won't be able to afford it.

Well, good, because I can't stand my grandmother,

I hate Aruba, and I'd rather cook.

I want a family, Jack.

I want a house that's teeming with little kids running up and down the stairs.

You know, I want to cheer for them at baseball games...

and hold them when they scrape their knees.

You said that's what you wanted too.

I do. I do. I mean, I... I still want those things.

I just don't want to rush into it, you know.

I just- I just need to know that we're ready.

I'm ready, Jack.

You let me know when you are too.

Excuse me. Do you know where 121 Jane Street is?

Yeah, 121, I think, is down this way.

Hey, do I know you from somewhere? Are you sure?

I've got a commercial audition that I'm already late for.

Yeah, I'm pretty sure. I know that I know you from somewhere. Did we...

Do you mind walking me? I've been up and down this block five times.

I can't seem to make any sense of the streets down here.

Well, that's 121 right over there.

Oh, great. Hey, thanks again. I hope I didn't put you out of your way.

No, not at all. Hey, I know where I know you from.

You're the creep who wanted to rent my apartment.

Oh, my God, that's you? You look so different now.

You kept bugging me to go out with you.

I didn't keep bugging you. I just asked you once to go out for a cup of coffee.

And I told you I was married.

You're not? No. I just said that to get rid of you.

Why would you want to get rid of me?

Because first of all, you accused me of stealing your apartment.

And second of all, I was told never to go out with strange men.

Well, you know, I mean, I'm not exactly a stranger anymore.

You know, I did help you find this place.

And third, I'm engaged. Engaged?

To be married, to Henry, who happens to be a very nice young man.

Now how do I look? Absolutely beautiful.

Thanks.

I'm telling you, Jack. She was beautiful.

And she didn't fall for your phony Irish charm, huh?

She didn't give me the time of day.

You know, I was thinking she'd feel bad for me,

maybe invite me to move in with her.

Why should she feel bad for you?

Because she stole the apartment from right out under me.

So instead of living down in the Village,

I'm out here on Long Island with you and Amy Fisher and the rest of the gang.

You say that now,

but you'll change your tune after you have kids, believe me... Everybody does.

Well, seeing as I'm never having kids, I don't see that being a problem.

And you're never getting married?

No. I'm convinced I'll never have enough interest in any one woman...

that I'd be willing to give up the joys of bachelorhood.

I mean, the grass is always greener.

Yeah, or thinner or taller, bigger tits.

Yeah, hopefully... hopefully all those things.

Which is why, you know... which why I can't get over you.

I mean, Molly's great and everything,

but you guys have been together, what, five years?

How do you keep it interesting?

Love.

You ever, uh... You ever cheat on her?

No.

You never even, like... you know, just, like, thought about it?

No, not really.

You're a better man than me.

Well, that's not a stretch.

Hello. Hello?

Hmm.

Hello? Yeah.

May I have the number for the School of Continuing Education at NYU?

Ann. Jack.

How are you? Hi. What are you doing in the city?

I just got out of class. Those sports management courses I was telling you about?

Uh-huh. What are you doing?

Running from meeting to meeting.

Do you maybe have time for that cup of coffee now?

Oh, I'd love to. Ooh! But I'm actually running late.

Maybe some other time?

Yeah. Sure. Some other time would be great.

Okay, some other time, then.

Well, nice to see you. Good to see you too.

You know what?

How about a walk in the park instead?

Okay. Fantastic.

You ever cheated on Molly? No.

Never even thought about it?

No, not really.

Come on, Jack. None of those little high-school girls ever tempted you?

God, if I had a teacher that looked like you in high school,

I would have done everything in my power to get you to keep me after school.

You're nuts, you know that?

Besides, I coach the boys' basketball team.

Yeah? Well, then I would become a cheerleader.

You said you never even thought about cheating on Molly.

Does that mean you're thinking about it now?

No. You should.

Oh, Ann, I don't know. I don't think I could ever do that to Molly.

You wouldn't be doing it to Molly.

I keep thinking about that night in the car,

what would have happened if I'd just...

grabbed you and...

kissed you.

Because I know you wanted me too.

Come on, Jack.

Kiss me.

Ann, I can't do this. I could never do that to Molly. I love her.

I don't want love from you, Jack. I want you.

Listen, I got to go.

Do you love her?

Yes, I love her.

That's because we've been together for so long.

You know, I have nice memories of those times.

But, no, I am not in love with her.

Pat...

are you ready to spend the rest of your life having sex with this one woman?

I mean, she'll be the last woman that you get to see completely naked...

and be allowed to touch.

That's something to think about.

Oh, I don't know.

I thought I'd know when it was time to get married.

I'd envisioned meeting somebody somewhere, and...

See, I thought it was Susan, but-

then it fades, you know?

It turns out to be just my imagination.

No, what I'm talking about is real.

I mean, two people mapping out an eternity in a moment.

And we'd sit and have intimate conversation...

in some dimly lit room, and...

We'd both feel there was nowhere else in the world we'd want to be.

Jesus Christ, Patrick. I mean, that is very romantic,

but there is no fucking chance in hell that's gonna happen,

especially to the likes of you.

You don't believe in true love?

You don't believe God has someone out there just for you...

and he allows a lucky few to be fortunate enough to find one another?

How the hell did a fruitcake like you end up as my brother?

No, I do not believe in true love, okay?

But if there is such a thing as true love, I'm sure God has nothing to do with it.

You're just afraid.

You're just afraid to fall in love, Barry.

Always been afraid of the emotions.

Listen, lover boy, all right, we're not on Oprah...

talking about me and my emotions, all right?

We're talking about you and Susan.

So, what do I do?

I mean, if I move in with her, I'm basically saying yes.

Yes, I'll eventually marry her.

Or do I wait till I find my true love?

I could give two shits about you and your true love,

but as far as Susan goes...

she's got to get the ax.

Yeah.

Yeah. I was thinking that too.

But I'm afraid, Barry.

I mean, she is so in love with me.

I'm afraid she'll do something crazy like kill herself.

Don't flatter yourself, Patrick, all right?

Nobody is killing themselves over you.

So how do I do it?

You came to the right man. It's really quite simple.

But the key is finding the right place.

I mean, I like to meet them at work.

All right, 'cause, you know, there's usually a lot of people around.

They're not gonna make a big scene.

Then you don't have to worry about driving them home...

after you just broke their heart.

Yeah. Yeah. That's good thinking.

What do you mean? When did this come about?

Look, it's just something I've been thinking about for a long time.

And, you know, the fact that you wouldn't live with me...

and the fact that you're not Jewish made it a whole lot easier.

But why?

Patrick, our relationship has run its course.

I think we're better off going out and, uh, finding new people,

new experiences, ideas.

Hey. Hey, I don't need any new ideas, all right? I'm confused enough already.

But what about us?

I mean, we were gonna get married.

Come on, Patrick.

That was just talk, right? We were just kids.

Besides, would you ever be willing to become Jewish? Huh?

Become a Jew?

Yes. Convert? Why should I convert?

I'm a practicing Catholic, for God's sakes. Oh.

I go to church once a week. You go to temple, what, once a year.

Hey, my religion plays a bigger part in my life than yours does in yours.

If anyone should convert, it should be you.

Your religion is crazy. Yeah, yeah.

Listen, I don't even know why I'm talking to you about this right now.

Look, it's over, Patrick, okay?

I'm sorry.

What does that mean... experiencing different people?

She's gonna have sex with other people.

That's what that means.

This is fine. This is absolutely fine.

This just sucks.

That just worked brilliantly, yeah, Barry.

Just get them in the office, you know,

uh, not gonna make a scene, lots of people around.

She's completely levelheaded about the whole thing.

I'm on my feet defending my religion... lamely.

Unbelievable.

I should have to do this?

If she were a Catholic girl, believe me you...

Okay, I lived up to my end of the bargain... no business during lunch.

Lunch is now officially over,

so please tell me you're working on something new.

I'm just... I'm not feeling inspired lately.

In fact, I'm not feeling much of anything lately, Marty.

What's wrong this time?

I don't know. I just- I can't get into anything I'm writing.

I feel like I'm just going through the motions.

Well, listen, you better find some inspiration soon.

For one thing, you need the money.

And you know what? It's embarrassing.

I've got to tell the people in my business...

that my best young writer lives on Long Island.

Writers live in Manhattan, Barry.

Joey Buttafuocos live on Long Island.

You know what I'm saying? I got the idea.

You need to find another girlfriend...

with a nice, posh Manhattan apartment and set yourself up again.

And meanwhile, what happened with Ann?

Ann's perfect, and you go and blow a relationship with her. What's with that?

Thanks for nothing with Ann. She was nothing but a pain in the ass.

Well, that pain in the ass told me that Barry takes her out twice...

and Barry passes out on her twice.

You drink too much, man. I've been telling you this for years.

This little Hemingway thing you have going is really getting stale.

Hey, you know what, Marty? Blow me.

Okay, okay, forget Ann. Forget Ann. Ann's old news.

Listen...

I got a new girl I want to set you up with. She's perfect.

No. I swear to you I had nothing to do with it.

I'm telling you it just must have been fate.

Yeah, right. I think it had more to do with Marty than fate.

Well, maybe.

So anyway, you and your fiancé,

are you guys enjoying life in my apartment?

Your apartment? No. He doesn't live in New York. Really?

Well, let me ask you another semi-personal question.

Well, you can ask it, but I can't guarantee you're gonna get an answer.

All right. That's fair.

Why would you agree to go on a blind date with me...

if you're already engaged to this Henry, the horse farmer?

Because I'm not happy in that relationship,

and I don't want to sell myself short.

Besides, Marty said you were a relatively nice guy.

Here we are.

Geez. I still cannot forgive you for forcing me into exile out on Long Island.

Oh, come on. It can't be that bad.

It is that bad. You're not 25 years old and living with your two brothers at home.

It's depressing.

You know, Barry, I had a really good time today. I'm kind of surprised.

I figured I'd hate you. Oh, thanks. That's nice.

But I actually... I knew that I'd like you.

From the first time that we met here on the stoop when you stole this apartment from me,

I knew, you know... I guess... I knew that I'd like you.

Barry, I got to go.

Yeah. No. No. That's... That's okay.

Uh, but you want to, um... you want to get together some other time?

Maybe we could go, you know, catch an Audrey Hepburn film at Theatre 80 or something?

I... I can't, Barry. It just... It wouldn't be fair to Henry.

All right.

Um... well, then, some other- some other time, then.

Okay.

Okay. I'll see you around, then.

Bye.

Barry?

I'd really like to. I just can't. I'm sorry.

No. That's all right. I mean...

you know, you're-you're engaged.

For all practical purposes, I'm a married woman.

Yeah.

I'll see you around.

Okay.

Bye.

Hey!

Patrick?

Leslie?

Hey!

- Oh, God. I thought that was you. - Yeah.

What are you doing?

Well, uh, just coming back from the, uh, deli, actually. I got a sandwich.

What about you? What are you up to?

Oh, I'm just, um... just working on my dad's car.

Oh, good.

Okay. See you around.

Yeah. Okay. Bye.

Oh, Patrick!

Um, do you want a beer with that sandwich or something?

Okay. Sure!

So, Patrick, you of all people... God!

What the hell are you doing back here?

Oh, well, I had to move back in with Jack.

Me and Barry are sharing a crawl space up in the attic.

But I heard that your, um...

that your girlfriend's father was getting you a place in the city.

Yeah. I thought so too,

but it doesn't look like that's gonna work out.

You, uh...

You got scared, didn't you?

No, I didn't.

I mean, I was, but, you know, I wasn't.

Uh-huh.

See, her father was also getting me this job.

So, it just seemed like all of a sudden I had to be this...

you know, this real guy with a real life.

And I... I just was not ready for that.

So, yeah... I got scared.

And I just, you know, wanted out of the whole situation.

So, what did... what did you do?

Well, I didn't have to do anything, actually.

She broke up with me.

Now she's got me thinking that,

you know, maybe I do want all those things I thought I was afraid of.

You know what?

It sounds to me like you just want them because you can't have them.

So, uh, why'd she break up with you?

See, that's... that's weird too. She's weird.

She wouldn't tell me. Isn't that stupid?

So do you, uh...

do you still love her?

Uh, not like I think I should.

I mean, considering we were gonna get married.

What about you? I heard you were getting married to Sully.

No, no. I, um...

I-I couldn't go through with it.

What happened?

I... I saw the light.

Um, it was the morning of my wedding.

And I was up in the bathroom brushing my teeth, and that's when it hit me.

I mean, I suddenly thought, "Why?"

Mom!

I thought, "Do I really want to spend the rest of my life with... with James Sullivan?"

Just take it easy.

This is it. One time, and then you're done with it.

It's not a twist-off, Jack. I see.

Don't be so nervous. This is only gonna hurt a little bit, okay? I promise.

Come here.

That was nice, wasn't it?

Mmm, I'll say.

Though I have to admit, I was a little quick the first time.

But you gotta remember I've been ready to burst since that day in the park.

You wanted me that night in the car too, didn't you?

Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm.

You know, you could have had me right then and there.

What made you decide to change your mind?

I don't know.

Something you said about never having sex with another person for the rest of my life.

Hmm.

You'll find it's harder to say no the next time.

Yeah, but there's not gonna be a next time.

So why'd she do it?

Patrick, I'm gonna tell you for the last time.

She doesn't really want to break up with you.

She's using this as a method to get back at you.

She wants you to come crawling back to her.

So how do I get her back?

Why do you even care? I mean, I thought this is what you wanted.

I mean, she saved you the trouble of doing the dirty work yourself.

You should be happy.

But I miss her.

No, you don't. Yes, I do.

You don't. You just think you do.

You're suffering from the "Will I ever get laid again?" blues.

No, my friend.

I think it's a case of the "You don't know how good you had it till it's gone" syndrome.

Oh, tell me. What was so great about Susan that you now regret not having it?

Her father was gonna get me an apartment and a great new job.

Those... Those are definite pluses,

but listen to the advice of your bigger, wiser and more experienced brother.

I have... I have a theory.

Man is like a banana...

strong and firm, bright and phallic,

and he's protected by his all-important shield.

But when a woman comes along, you know,

she sees this bright, phallic beast, and she wants it.

But she's not happy with it the way it is.

She wants to see what's inside.

So she starts to peel away the all-important shield.

First, she wants to see your romantic side.

Then she wants to see your passionate side.

Then she wants to see your soft, caring, feminine side.

And she keeps peeling and peeling...

until you're left there buck naked, totally exposed...

with your balls blowing in the wind.

And that's when she gets her knife,

and she starts to cut away your manhood,

piece by piece,

until they're having your cock in their corn flakes.

Susan!

Su...

Susan, would you...

Come on, Susan. Would you hold up a second? I gotta talk to you.

I need to talk to you.

What do you want?

You broke up with me without an explanation.

Now I think I'm entitled to an explanation.

I mean, we were gonna get married, you know, in case you forgot.

Tell me the truth. Did you ever really want to get married?

The truth? Yeah. Remember, "Thou shalt not lie."

The truth... The truth is no, but that's because...

That's before I realized how much I need you in my life.

You don't need me. You just think you do.

What is the difference? This is where I am.

Look, I just don't think it would be healthy for either one of us...

to stay together right now, okay, especially considering the current situation.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

What current situation?

Look, Patrick, I really don't feel like talking to you right now, okay?

Will you just- Leave me alone!

I can't believe you liked that movie.

It was fun. It was crap.

You know what? You're gonna have to read my new script.

Why? What's it about?

It's about this guy and his quest for true love.

And does he find it? Of course not.

You've never been in love, have you?

Well... You haven't, have you?

Do you love anybody?

Well, yeah. I mean, you know, I love, uh...

You know, I guess I love my brothers.

I love, uh... I love my mother.

In fact, yeah, I love my mother very much, in fact.

How sweet. And does your mommy live on Long Island with you and your brothers too?

No. No. My mommy actually, uh...

she moved back to Ireland a couple years ago.

Ireland? Why?

Well, this... You'll love this story. This is right up your alley.

I guess it was about five years ago. My dad finally died.

We were all very excited about that.

And, uh, right after his funeral,

my mom pulls me aside and she says to me...

Promise me you won't make the same mistake I made. Yeah. Yeah. I promise.

Yeah. No, she just- she took off that night.

Oh. Why... Why would she marry your dad if she didn't love him?

Because she's Catholic, I guess.

I mean, she fell in love with this guy, Finbar O'Shaughnessy,

whom I'm named after, although my dad didn't know that,

but she was already pregnant with my dad's baby,

which is my brother Jack.

So, you know, like any good Catholic girl would, she got married.

They ended up moving to America,

and she had to wait 35 years until the old man, you know, died...

so that she could go back to Ireland and finally be reunited with her true love.

Wow. Now that is a great love story.

With a mom like that,

you'd think you'd be a hopeless romantic instead of a loveless pessimist.

Hey, I like being a pessimist.

It makes it easier to deal with my inevitable failure.

So where's your mom now?

Well, she and O'Shaughnessy live in Dublin.

He's a champion fiddle player.

So whenever they come to New York to perform,

the whole band comes out to the house,

and my mom cooks her famous corned beef and cabbage.

Mmm! I love corned beef and cabbage.

Yeah. Well, we'll see.

Okay, Finbar, just lean back and do it.

Come on, you coward. Just do it.

Barry, I have a confession to make.

Well, what is it? Promise me you won't be mad.

Well, how can I be mad if I don't know what it is you're gonna confess?

I'm not engaged.

Henry's asked me a thousand times, but I just cannot bring myself to say yes.

Really?

I mean, that's great. I mean, it's too bad for Henry,

but he's not really, you know...

he's not really high on my list of concerns.

Are you happy?

Fuckin'- A, I'm happy.

That's great. Would you mind, uh,

if I kissed you here?

Think you can handle it?

I think I can handle it.

Yeah, right.

There's no way you can handle this.

Hey, doll.

How are the papers coming? Hey. Good.

You coming to bed soon? I miss you.

I feel like we never get to see each other anymore.

Yeah, I know. But I'm gonna hit the sack. I'm kinda tired, huh?

I think I'll finish grading these in the morning.

Why? You're better off getting them done tonight.

Well, I was, uh...

I was thinking you might be interested...

in doing a little something you haven't done in a while.

I thought you got embarrassed by that.

Well, maybe I'm feeling a little less inhibited tonight.

Oh, really? Yeah.

I'm sorry, honey. I'm not in the mood.

I'm tired.

Wow!

Ooh, I remember the days when you used to say,

"I don't get these guys who say they're too tired for sex.

I'll never be too tired for sex."

Oh, come on, Molly. The one night that I'm not in the mood,

you're gonna break my balls about it?

How about all the nights you haven't been in the mood, huh?

I'm sorry, Jack.

I was just kidding.

I guess I thought it might be fun, that's all.

Look, I'm sorry I yelled at you, hon.

I've just been feeling kind of weird these days. I don't know.

So, Barry, I think that if you like her that much,

you should just call her up and ask her out again.

Yeah, but she's not Irish.

Well, then you got to forget about it.

I don't know if I can.

I mean,

she is the most beautiful woman...

that I have ever been in contact with.

I mean, she is gorgeous.

She's proof that God is indeed a man.

You are in love.

Don't talk to me about love.

What did I... All I said was she's beautiful.

I said nothing about love. No, no, no, no, no.

You are in love. Trust me.

I know when someone is or isn't in love.

- Hey, doll. - Hey, honey.

What, are you drinkin' all my friggin' beers?

I'm having one beer.

Give me a fuckin' break.

It's not even noon, and you're drinking already.

When did you all of a sudden become my mother, huh?

I can't drink beer anymore?

You can tell me when I can and can't drink, huh, big Jack?

Look, I'm not your mother, but I'm gonna go out for a jog, and when I come back,

I want a couple of beers in the house, okay?

You're going out for a run, Jack?

Yeah, I'm gonna try and work off these love handles.

Yeah, well, you could use it, lard-ass, huh?

Hey, you want some company? I'd love to go for a run.

No, that's all right. I'm just gonna hop out for a quickie.

I'll be back.

Yeah, have a few more doughnuts while you're at it, fat boy.

Do you think, uh...

Do you think Jack would ever have an affair?

Jack? No way, no how.

I mean, he loves you. You were the answer to that guy's dreams.

Besides, do you think there's somebody out there better than you?

Nah, I don't know.

I don't know. He just seems kind of distant lately.

Maybe I'm bugging him too much about having a baby.

God, you know, a minute doesn't pass by...

where I don't think about making love to you.

Easy there, coach. There'll be no lovemaking going on here.

It's a figure of speech. Yeah?

Well, next time, try another figure, like "do it."

Like I would say,

"I thought you were feeling too guilty to do it with me."

All right.

How about, "I can do it now...

And deal with the guilt of having done it later"?

Very good.

Hey, who's in there?

It's me. Hey, I'm going to the bathroom!

Well, I'm coming in. I got to get something.

What- Oh, Jesus.

How about a mercy flush, huh?

What the hell do you expect it to smell like?

Hey, I'm going to the bathroom here. Do you mind?

Yeah? Well, you ought to be going to see a doctor.

Either that, or I'll get Molly to change butchers.

Very funny. What is this... Patrick, Patrick,

I got to talk to you.

What is it?

Look, let me ask you something.

You're Mr. Ten Commandments, right?

How bad a sin is adultery?

You're cheating on Molly?

No, I'm not cheating on Molly.

But, you know, I am starting to get feelings...

for other women now, and, uh, I was just wondering,

if I did give in to temptation, then...

how bad a sin is that?

It's horrible.

Jack, you can't do it.

First of all, it's a big-time sin.

Second of all, I love Molly.

You can't do something like that to her.

Why would you ever want to cheat on Molly?

She's the greatest.

Yeah, I know, I know, but,

you know, sometimes you need a change in your life.

I mean, I don't want to do anything,

but, you know, Molly and I have been together almost five friggin' years.

I'm stunned. I can't believe this.

You're actually considering...

sticking your penis into another woman.

Well, that's usually how it works.

Jack, you gotta fight it.

That's... It's just not fair to Molly.

Inasmuch as we don't believe in it,

I would say get a divorce before you do something like that.

Who is she?

It's nobody, really. I'm-I'm just thinking.

Come on, Jack. She's somebody.

She's nobody, okay? And don't say a word to Barry either, all right?

Of course not. And listen.

Don't forget to wipe yourself, all right?

I mean, how do you know...

whether the one you're with is or is not your true soul mate?

And then, what if you let them go...

and never find anybody to replace them?

Yeah, but I think you're better off being alone...

than being with somebody that isn't your true soul mate.

Anyway, sometimes you've just got to take chances.

You know, uh, speaking of chances...

well, not taking them...

You know, I al... I always sort of wanted to ask you out in high school.

But, you know, you were always with Sully or something.

Never did.

Oh, yeah?

Yeah.

Well, you should have.

So, um...

So what are you gonna do now?

Well, after I canceled my wedding, I, um...

I reevaluated my whole life, and...

I became a vegetarian...

A pro-choice activist, and I, uh...

I abandoned Catholicism.

Really?

Wait. But I remember a summer you were going away to that convent.

But you were gonna be a nun! What is this?

Why would you abandon Catholicism?

Because I, um... I tried to figure out why I said yes to James,

and that's when it hit me.

I mean, I thought I had to get married, you know?

What's a single Catholic girl gonna do if she doesn't get married?

I mean, I can't have premarital sex,

but if I do have sex, I can't use birth control.

But if I don't use birth control and I get pregnant, I can't have an abortion,

so what's a girl supposed to do...

while she's waiting around for Prince Charming to show up?

I mean, Christ, I can't even masturbate!

Tell me about that one.

If I masturbated as much as I wanted to,

I swear to God, I would live in a constant state of guilt.

Not to mention hospitalization.

I know. It's crazy. You just-

You can't be Catholic and have a healthy sex life. You just-

Unless you find your true love.

Well, yeah, okay. Then... Then and only... then.

I need to talk to you.

What do you want?

Susan, I think I deserve an explanation.

You think you deserve an explanation? Yes!

All right. Well, this is gonna knock your Catholic socks right off.

The current situation is, I'm pregnant.

You're pregnant with my baby?

I've only been with you, Patrick.

Jesus, Mary and Joseph! You're pregnant with my baby?

How did this happen? I thought we were taking every precaution.

I even wore two rubbers at once! I thought you were on the pill.

I thought you were on top of this! I was. I still am.

The pill's only 99% effective.

Well, we fell into that one percent.

So, why would you want to break up with me now?

I mean, under the current circumstance, I would figure you'd want to get married.

Hello! Patrick, I'm 21 years old. I don't want to have a baby.

If we got married, you'd want me to have the baby, right?

Of course.

Why? What else would you do?

I'm going to have an abortion.

An abortion?

You can't have an abortion! That's against everything I believe in!

The last time I checked, the baby was in my stomach...

and not in yours, so I'll make the decision.

That child is half mine. Not anymore.

Listen, Patrick, I-I've got to go. Um, I'm sorry.

I knew you wouldn't agree with my decision,

so that's why I did what I did.

I'm going to hell.

Jack,

do you believe in hell?

Hey, I haven't done anything yet, okay?

I'm not talking about you anyway.

I think I'm going to hell.

Oh, Jesus Christ, altar boy.

Why are you going to hell this time?

First of all, I had sex with Susan out of wedlock.

So big deal.

Now I find out...

the reason she breaks up with me is because...

she's pregnant.

And now...

now she's having an abortion.

Oh, you're shitting me.

You got her pregnant?

Yeah.

Well, just be thankful she's getting an abortion.

Relax. You're not going to hell.

She's having an abortion. Can you believe that?

Good. Good for her.

"Good for her." Well, what about me?

I am a Catholic. My life is over. I'm going to hell.

You know what you should do?

You should come to California with me.

Oh, solution of solutions.

When are you going to California?

As soon as I can get enough money.

I've already got 2,000 saved, and all I need is another two grand,

and I can buy this beautiful mint cherry...

1970 Chevelle I've had my eye on.

As soon as I can get the money, I'm gone.

Drive cross-country.

Hey, that sounds great.

I could use some adventure like that.

If you can come up with $2,000, we can leave tomorrow.

Sure you could stand to be alone with me all that time?

It's a pretty long trip.

Well, I asked you, didn't I?

Yeah.

What's this?

I thought you said you didn't eat meat.

Only on Fridays.

What's wrong with you?

You've been acting strange all day.

Look, I just don't feel that this is right.

I mean, for Christ's sakes, don't you have any guilt at all?

Don't get so high and mighty on yourself, Jack.

In case you haven't noticed, you're the one who's been calling me lately,

not the other way around.

Look, I'm sorry.

This whole thing has just got my head a little bit screwed up right now.

You're having an affair. It's not a big fucking deal.

Well, it is to me.

I mean, I don't like what I'm doing.

And I don't want to hurt Molly.

I love her.

Get over yourself, Jack.

If you loved Molly so much, you wouldn't be running into the city...

jumping into my bed every chance you get.

Great. You know what?

Do me a favor. I don't want to be part of your confusion.

Don't bother coming up.

Call me when you get a grip.

Damn!

What? You got a problem?

You did it.

I did nothing, okay?

Oh, Jack, I told you not to do it.

That is a big-time sin.

Not to mention what effect it's gonna have on Molly, your marriage.

Yeah? Well, you better not say a word to Molly.

Or to Barry either. You hear me?

What the...

Jack, I wouldn't think of it. Jesus!

It was that Ann...

that Barry used to see, wasn't it?

Look, I fucked up, okay?

I mean, I know I didn't do the right thing, but I felt I had to do it anyway.

Look, I love Molly. You know I really do.

But who says you gotta be 100% faithful to your wife anyway?

- Just isn't natural. - God said.

Well, fuck God! All right?

Why should I spend all my time and waste all my faith...

on something I have absolutely no proof ever even existed?

Patrick, I'm a man.

I had a certain urge, and I acted on it.

And I don't see that as being such a big deal.

"Fuck God"?

Well, that's a big deal for Molly, don't you think?

You're gonna have to make a choice, Jack.

You can't go on this way.

Well, first of all, Patrick, this isn't your problem to worry about, all right?

Second of all, I know what I gotta do.

Hey, Jack?

I really hope you do, man.

Where the hell is that train already?

Hey, Finn, come sit by me.

Hey, you want to see my new ring?

I've seen the ring.

Tell me what it's called again.

It's called a claddagh ring.

The hands represent friendship,

and the crown on top represents loyalty.

Well, what about the heart?

The heart represents, you know,

a deeper sort of friendship.

You know, like a... just like a deep friendship.

Friendship?

Yeah. Not love?

No.

I mean, you know, I, uh...

I guess the heart could be looked at as love.

But enough about the goddamn ring.

Tell me... Did you read the script yet or what?

How could I have read it? I just got it this afternoon.

You're gonna read it tonight, though?

I promise. By the time I go to sleep tonight, it will have been read.

Promise?

Barry, I'll read the script.

Patrick, what happened?

Let me guess. You're not going to California anymore?

Can someone lend me 10 bucks for the train, please? She wants you back?

She wants me back.

What about the baby?

She had a miscarriage.

Oh, my God! Geez.

Talk about the luck of the Irish. Yeah, yeah...

Jack! It's great, isn't it?

Listen, can I have the 10 bucks? I'm gonna miss my train.

Yeah, sure.

Thanks.

Hey!

So, guess what.

I spoke to Daddy, and he said...

that he's going to buy you that one-bedroom on the first floor,

so that way, we can at least be in the same building,

and then, after we're married, we can move into...

that beautiful two-bedroom on the fourth floor.

He's gonna pay for me to live in the same building with you?

Of course!

Well, you know, he loves me, and I love you, so he loves you and, uh...

He wants you to start off working in the sales department.

He feels like it's the best way for you to learn the business.

Susan, I don't know if I can work for your father.

Why not? Hmm?

Because he's done so much for me already. Aw!

Don't be silly.

It's gonna be great, Patrick.

We're gonna move in. Everything will be fine.

And you know what? I was thinking...

Oh, God, I thank you.

I thank you for letting her have that miscarriage.

But just look at these sweaters.

...people over, you know, like Mary and Stewart and...

Patrick?

Patrick, are you listening to me?

Yeah.

What's wrong?

Listen, Susan, I'm sorry,

but I don't want to work...

in the garment district, okay?

And I don't want to live in the same building with you.

Why not?

Because I... Because I want to move on with my life.

And because I don't love you anymore.

You don't love me anymore?

Get out of here.

Get out!

Get out of here, Patrick! Leave!

Patrick, leave. Get out. Come on. Fine.

Leslie!

I need to talk to you.

Patrick! What's up?

You were serious when you asked me to come to California with you, right?

Yeah.

Well, how do you feel about me?

What do you mean?

Well... I mean, how do you feel about me?

I mean, remember yesterday when we were talking about finding your true love...

and how great that must be?

Yeah.

Well, I think I got a pretty good idea.

I don't mean that. I mean, I mean that,

but what I mean is, I want to go to California with you.

Well, good! I want you to come to California with me.

I know. I know. You said that.

But how do you feel about me?

What do you mean? I mean, do you mean do I...

No, no, no. You don't have to say the words.

I just want to know if you have any idea,

I mean, any feeling in that way... just something?

Yeah.

Yeah? Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah? Yeah.

But you know I'm not Catholic anymore.

Yeah. Yeah, I know.

I thought about that,

and I don't give a shit.

What are you doing out here all by your lonesome?

Just thinkin'.

It's awful quiet without those guys around here, huh?

Hey, listen.

I was thinking maybe we should take a vacation sometime soon.

Someplace warm. What do you think?

I don't want to run away from here to work out our problems, Jack.

This is our home.

If you feel like you've got something you gotta work out,

let's just do it right here.

Problems? What are you talking about?

What problems do we have, Jack?

Are you that far removed from this relationship?

Listen, I realize I've been a little distant lately, but-

Distant, Jack? We haven't had sex in months!

Why don't you scream it a little louder so the whole fuckin' neighborhood can hear you?

Listen, I'm going through a weird period in my life right now.

I mean, it seems like it was just yesterday I was a kid in high school,

and all of a sudden I'm 33 years old and thinking about starting a family?

Okay, come on, Jack. You're just about 15 years too early...

to be having your midlife crisis.

I don't want to become like my father...

a miserable fuckin' prick who isn't there for you,

isn't there for the kids.

The thing is,

I don't even know if I could be a good father.

That's bullshit, Jack, and you know it.

Don't use kids as your excuse.

The way your father is is the exact reason why you would be a great father.

You know that I would never ask you for a divorce.

And I'm willing to wait for you to do whatever it is that you feel like you've gotta do.

But, you know, out of respect for me,

and out of respect for what we've had and what we still could have,

if you feel like you've got to go do something...

What the hell are you talking about?

I'm not a fool, Jack.

Dad, I just stopped by today to say good-bye...

and to let you know that I'm not gonna be the kind of man that you were.

Happy Saint Patrick's Day.

Hey, Pat.

Hey.

Can you talk?

Yeah. What's up?

I got- I got a problem.

What is it?

It's Audry.

Man, Marty thinks...

something really big is gonna happen with the script.

He thinks they're gonna want me to come out to California.

He said, you know, some really big-name actresses are interested in the lead.

Okay.

So... So where's the problem?

What am I gonna do about Audry?

I mean, I promised her the part.

Do you love her?

I might.

So now you finally get a decent script on your hands,

and you're gonna throw your inspiration right out the window.

Just when things are starting to happen for me,

I got to go fall in love.

Is something bothering you?

You've been very distant the last few days.

No, I just- I got a lot on my mind, that's all.

I spoke to Henry last night.

He wants me to come back to Virginia.

What are you gonna do?

I don't know.

What do you want me to do?

I don't want you to go back to Virginia and marry Henry.

But you don't know if you want to continue this relationship either, do you?

I don't know what I want to do about anything right now, Audry.

You mean you don't know what you want to do about us.

I mean, everything happened so quickly for us.

I mean, it took me by surprise, I guess.

I thought we'd go out for a few drinks, have a few laughs.

And instead? And instead, we got-

You know, we got really serious.

- And that scares you? - Yeah, that fuckin' scares me.

So...

what do we do now?

I don't know.

What do you think we should do?

I don't know.

I just want to be with you, Barry.

I don't know if that's possible anymore, Audry.

I... I just need some time to figure some things out.

Maybe we should spend some time away from one another...

and see how that works out.

Well, I'll wait for you for a little while, but I can't wait forever.

Okay. I'm gonna go home now.

I'll see you around then?

It's Palm Sunday.

I went to church.

Congratulations.

So, what did you give up for Lent?

I gave up resolutions this year.

Convenient.

You know you made a mistake, Barry.

She doesn't want a husband, man.

She wants you.

It's the same thing, as far as I'm concerned.

No, it's not the same thing. It's not.

You get one chance in this life if you're lucky.

Yeah, I'm sure there'll be others, Pat.

No, there won't.

Just think about Mom.

Don't start with that shit again.

Barry, if you just took one second to look at yourself,

you might discover what you truly want.

Oh, yeah? And what's that?

Why don't you fuckin' tell me what that is, huh?

To ask her to marry you.

Oh, I didn't know you were home.

Yeah. I'm trying to find some Fitzgerald stories for class tomorrow.

Remember this?

Yeah.

Think we've lost the romance from our marriage?

No. I just don't think you're interested anymore.

You know, I think that sometimes...

in our lives when we start to grow accustomed to things,

we start to, uh...

to not see them anymore, you know, or to kind of look past them.

And we sort of have a tendency to,

I don't know, want something new and different, 'cause we feel like...

that's gonna fulfill whatever it is that seems to be missing in our lives.

But it doesn't.

And so I think that we just need to look back at what we do have in our lives...

and try to remember what it was that brought us there in the first place.

You know?

So, uh... So why'd you do it, Jack?

I mean, what didn't I do for you?

What are you talking about?

I know that you've been seeing someone else, okay?

I found your rubbers.

What rubbers? Oh, come on, Jack!

I don't want to have to fight for you!

Why can't you just be a man and admit it?

What do you want me to say?

When did you become such a fucking coward?

I want you to tell me the truth, okay? Did you do it?

Why? Jack, why?

Honey, I am so sorry.

I just want to be with you again.

I don't know, you know?

I think it's gonna take a long time.

I know. I know.

Is it over?

Yes, it's over.

Did you love her?

No.

Jesus Christ!

What's wrong?

I don't know. Aw.

Are you okay?

Yeah. I think so.

I don't- Did you?

Yeah. Yeah.

Why can't you?

Well... Well... Yeah. I can.

I'm just a... a little nervous.

Aw. Why? What's wrong?

Listen.

There's something I gotta tell you.

What is it?

I got the money.

What money?

The 2,000.

My brother wrote me a check.

For the... Oh, my God! You mean we're going?

As soon as you want.

I love you!

Hey. That's just the kind of guy I am.

Did you go to Dublin for these?

Yeah. How's the jelly roll, huh?

I can't believe this is it.

Told you I'd be out of your hair by Easter.

I can't believe you're actually going through with this.

I didn't think you had balls big enough for a stunt like this.

Really.

It's got nothing to do with my balls, man.

You know?

It's got everything to do with my heart.

You know, when you find your true companion...

Stop. Stop right there, please. Ah, Jesus. Yeah. Yeah.

I think we've all had enough true love talk to last us a fuckin' lifetime.

Speaking of which, you, uh...

you decided what you're gonna do with Audry?

No. Nah, I don't know.

I don't know about you guys,

but these past few weeks have really been special for me.

I mean, living under the same roof again...

I mean, it really felt like a home, you know? Like a family.

Yeah. Despite the fact that there wasn't a psychotic drunk...

screaming for beers and beating the shit out of us every day.

What was some of that crazy shit he used to say to us when he had half a bag on?

"Shut your fuckin' mouth when you're talkin' to me, pal!"

Yeah, and... and the time I came home in my new varsity jacket,

and I was really proud of it, and I was like,

"Hey, Dad, what do you think of my new jacket? And he was like,

"Why don't you get another one in blue and burn the both of them."

I remember he always used to say to me,

"Hey, shit for brains,

the only thing I want to hear out of you is nothing."

Fuckin' prick.

"What a prick" is right.

So what time are you and Leslie leaving?

Oh, well, she wants to get on the road bright and early, so...

She's figuring 5:00... 5:00 a.m. That's early.

Yeah.

You guys be up for a good-bye at that time?

I don't think so.

I think you could bet your ass that I'm not gonna be up at 5:00 in the morning.

Well, I guess this is it then.

Yeah.

Thanks, Jack.

Anytime, man.

I'll get you that cash back as soon as I can.

Whenever.

A handshake will do for me, fruitcake.

Not for me, Barry.

That's enough.

Hello?

No, Marty. Barry's not here right now.

Yeah. He should be here soon.

Everything's fine. I... Listen, I got to go. I can't talk right now.

Bye.

What's going on with all these bags?

All your stuff's in the blue bag.

What do you mean? Are you going someplace?

- I'm moving out. - What do you mean? Where are you going?

I'm going home to New Jersey to take care of my dad for a while.

How come?

What do you mean, "How come?" Because you're a coward.

Hey, I just don't think this is the right time...

for me to get involved in a serious relationship.

And why is that? Because as a big-time director,

you can't be tied down?

Don't want to miss out on all the action you could be getting?

What is that? Is that what you think?

Is that why you think I'm breaking this off?

Can you give me another reason? Yeah!

Because I'm gonna be busy, you know?

I mean, I'm not gonna have time for this, for us.

You know what?

You can have this back. I don't want it.

Hey, Audry, you knew from day one that I wasn't interested...

in letting this become, you know... you know, too serious.

I don't care what we thought was going to happen.

I fell in love with you, and I think you fell in love with me too. Didn't you?

Come on. You know, let's not get into this, all right?

Just answer the question. It won't kill you.

What do you want me to say? All right?

I mean...

Okay, yeah. I do love you.

Then why are you doing this?

Because you know what? I don't want to be in love.

All right? And I don't want a wife,

and I don't want a family either.

Who ever said anything about marriage and a family?

I'm sorry, Audry. It just-

It just can't be.

Go ahead and answer it. It's Marty.

You got what you wanted.

Hello?

Hey, wait. Hold on a second.

Hey, Audry, wait a second.

I'm sorry it had to be like this.

I love you, Barry,

and I'll never love anyone the way I love you.

But I'm not gonna be like your mom and wait 35 years for you.

Hey, Audry, come on. Hold up.

Hey, Marty. Sorry about that.

No. No. It's nothing.

Yeah. You know what? Listen, I can't- I can't talk about this.

All right? I gotta go. I gotta go.

Hey, Barry.

♪ I will remember you ♪

♪ Will you remember me? ♪

♪ Don't let your life ♪

♪ Pass you by ♪

♪ Weep not for the memories ♪

♪ I'm so tired that I can't sleep ♪

♪ Standing on the edge of something much too deep ♪

♪ It's funny how we feel so much but we cannot say a word ♪

♪ We are screaming inside Oh, we can't be heard ♪

♪ And I will remember you ♪

♪ To be loved, loved, loved ♪

♪ Will you remember me? ♪

♪ To be loved, loved, loved ♪

♪ Don't let your life ♪

♪ Pass you by ♪

♪ To be loved, loved, loved ♪

♪ Weep not for the memories ♪

♪ To be loved, loved, loved, loved, loved ♪

♪ So afraid to love you ♪

♪ More afraid to lose ♪

♪ Clinging to a past that doesn't let me choose ♪

♪ Where once there was a darkness ♪

♪ A deep and endless night ♪

♪ You gave me everything you had ♪

♪ Oh, you gave me light ♪

♪ And I will remember you ♪

♪ To be loved, loved, loved ♪

♪ Will you remember me? ♪

♪ To be loved, loved ♪

♪ Don't let your life ♪

♪ Pass you by ♪

♪ To be loved, loved, loved ♪

♪ Weep not for the memories ♪

♪ I will remember you ♪

♪ To be loved, loved, loved ♪

♪ Will you remember me? ♪

♪ To be loved, loved ♪

♪ Don't let your life ♪

♪ Pass you by ♪

♪ To be loved, loved, loved ♪

♪ Weep not for the memories ♪

♪ To be loved, loved, loved ♪

♪ Weep not for the memories ♪♪

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