All language subtitles for The Babymakers (2012) (1080p BluRay x265 Bandi)_.ENG

♪ >Well since time out
Of mind I been lazy

♪ >And times before
That I was cruel' ♪

♪ >And the times
Before that' ♪

♪ > I was mean
I was mad' ♪

♪ > I never had
Nobody like you

♪ > And the times before
That I was crazy

♪ > I saw the dark
Side of the moon' ♪

♪ > And the stars
In the sky

♪ > They never
Caught my eye

♪ > 'Cause I never had
Nobody like you

♪ > I never had
Nobody like you

[baby crying]

♪ > I never had
Nobody like you

[baby crying]

Tommy?

Tommy, the baby.

Hm?

It's your turn.

[groans]

[whispers]
Please.

Right. Right.
Okay, okay.

[baby crying]

God damned baby.

[sighs]

[baby crying]

Don't do that.

The second we walked in here, I
could feel my wallet start whining.

If we're gonna get the steak,
you wanna get the Oregon Pinot.

Yeah, I saw that.
It's 200 bucks though.

Babe, it's
our anniversary.

Have you had a chance to
decide on some wine this evening?

You have no
live entertainment.

You are correct, sir.

And I have no money. An
idea, and you can say no.

Is it possible for me to
dance off a portion of our tab?

Dance it away?

It would be
unusual

Look how cute he is.

Has this worked before?

Not that I can
remember.

Are you sure?
Because he's very good.

Really?

No.

You're an idiot.

I'm an idiot?
You married me.

So?

Three years!

I know.
Three years.

Well?

[clears throat] I knew you
were gonna bring this up.

So, you remembered?

Absolutely,
I remember.

So, you're ready?

Yeah, I'm totally ready.

You're ready
to be a dad?

A dad? What? I thought
we were talking about anal.

Is the three year
not the anal anniversary?

No. It is. Okay.

Okay, if you really want
to, I'm willing to give it a try.

Seriously?

Yes. We need to stop by the
sex shop on the way home.

I need to get a strap-on. Do
you prefer regular or ribbed?

You are good.
You had me there.

Seriously, I'll
give it a try.

I just don't know
if it will fit.

Of course it won't fit.
That's the fun. Pain.

We could do that, or we
could just have a baby.

Ah, you did remember.

I did.

You really wanna
have a baby?

Yeah, I really do.

We're gonna have
a family.

We are gonna have
a family.

You can teach him
how to play baseball.

And how to pick up chicks.

What if it's a girl?

I love girl on girl.

Get it out. Just get it all out.

Um, so Audrey, when
do you wanna get started?

[moaning]

♪ > I feel like something
Good is on the way

Hey, how's my form?

[moaning]

[Audrey moaning]

[bed springs creaking]

[clears throat]

What?
What's wrong?

What?

Nothing.
Nothing

Are you bored?

Are you tired of having sex
with me? Are you disgusted?

Can you get
out of me, please?

Ouch.

Why isn't this
working, Tommy?

Something's wrong.

Maybe it's 'cause you don't
really wanna have a baby.

How can you say that?

I've been working my ass off for
nine months trying to get you pregnant.

So it's a job? I'm sorry, how
much, how much do I owe you?

Is it 40,
50 bucks?

Wow. 50 bucks?
That's it?

You know, you could possibly
get a back alley shave for that,

but not this, sister.

I'm sorry
I low balled you.

Well, you did. That
was a serious low ball.

I'm not a crack whore.

You're the one who said
having sex with me was like a job.

I never said that.
You said that.

You weren't
thinking it?

No.

It felt like it.

It's not what I was
thinking, because I'll tell you,

sex with you is-- it's
beautiful, you know.

And it's wonderful.

And it's amazing.

Sex with you is like--
it's like, it's like--

(Tommy) It's
like a full time job.

Maybe you
oughta get tested.

[laughing]

Tested? No.
I'm good.

Oh, you're good? How
do you know you're good?

Excuse me, Wade. I'm shooting
good stuff. I know this for a fact.

All right. I never
told anyone this,

and I swear to God I'll kill
everyone if you say anything,

but when I decided to ask Audrey to marry
me, I couldn't afford a decent ring, right?

So I told her that I
joined a softball team.

You suck
at softball.

I hate softball. I told her
I joined the softball team.

What I did instead, I drove back to
Pasadena to a sperm bank. Right?

I donated sperm. Every
week for 20 weeks.

Eighty-five bucks
a pop they paid me.

At the sperm bank, they
don't take bad sperm.

They test the shit
out of it.

Hey, dude,
85 bucks a pop?

If someone were
to rob that place

and sell the sperm on the
street, they can make a fortune.

Jesus, Zig Zag. Have
you been downtown lately?

There's enough sperm on the
street to choke Doogie Howser.

Hey, bring out
the pictures, man.

You brought the pictures
of the ex, right?

The pictures of Tanya? Bring
'em out. I've seen that shit.

She's my girlfriend now.

She's aware you're
showing these pictures?

Yeah, probably.

Holy shit, dude.
Look at those nipples.

No offense, but I can tell how
Tommy might be able to pull this girl.

But with Wade?

Did you say
"no offense"?

Is she
a chubby chaser?

That's more offense.
You keep offending.

I'm sorry, but okay, no offense.

Just tell us how
you got this chick.

You see, Tommy and I are cut
from the same cloth, my friend.

Good cock, bad cock. Come on.

Honey, is he even
ejaculating properly?

Because I read on the Internet
that guys are faking it. It's like a trend.

Mine does
not fake it.

Nobody likes
a gloater.

How do guys
fake it?

They keep a bike bottle in the bed
and then they squirt it over your back.

I saw it
on YouTube.

Tommy is not faking it,
but something's wrong.

I'm kinda worried.

Are you using your
fertility calendar?

Yeah, I have
an app for that.

I love apps.

You know, 90% of the time,
it's the guy's fault.

It's definitely Tommy. You
need to get that junk checked.

Hey, listen, guys, can
we keep this between us?

Tommy's a little sensitive
about all this stuff.

I won't say anything.

Who am I
gonna tell?

Hey, Coach Stubbs.
How're you doing?

Tommy Macklin.
How the hell are you?

Not too bad.

How's that pretty
wife of yours?

Good, good. How's
the team this year?

Honestly? We suck about
nine different kinds of ass.

We're pulling
for you either way.

Thanks. We're pulling
for you, too.

For who? For me?

Well, I understand you have a
little trouble knocking up the Mrs.

You know what works
really well? Hot peppers.

Eat as many
of 'em as you can.

Just make sure you don't go
munching on her biscuit right away.

You'll kill
the poor woman.

[laughs]

You gotta keep
the sperm cool, yah?

You can't let the balls
get overheated.

That's why they hang
on the outside.

Like an air cooled
Volkswagen engine.

(man) Shitake mushroom,
ginger root, cucumber.

You mash it all up. You allow
it to boil for three long hours,

and you gently lower your
ball sack down in there,

and let them steep
for ten minutes.

Blue Mountain, Jamaican
remedy that.

What the hell are you
doing to me, Audrey?

Did you go and tell
the whole world?

No, I told three people. I
told Mona, Greta, and Karen.

You didn't tell three people.
You told three women.

What's that supposed to
mean? Where's the ginger root?

Why do you think there
are no female serial killers?

Because after they kill the first
guy, they gotta go tell somebody.

That's actually
a good point.

[telephone ringing]

Hello?

Oh, hi there.

Uh, yeah.

Mm, well, I hadn't
heard that.

No. No, thank you.

Yeah.

I love you, too. Okay.

Who was that?

That was your mom.

She said I should try putting Ben Gay
on my scrotum to heat up the sperm.

She just-- Do you
think that would work?

No.

Why does everybody
have advice for me?

Maybe, maybe
it's you.

Where are all the calls of everybody
telling you to pour hot sauce

on your...vagina?

Okay. I made us appointments with
Dr. Vickerey to get us both checked out.

He's supposed to be the best, so
you gotta get your sperm checked.

Honey, there's nothing
wrong with my sperm.

Really? How do you know that?

'Cause there's
a party down there!

Do you hear that?
[beating]

Seriously, this thing
smells like shit.

Can you
lower 'em in?

I think you just
do one at a time.

How am I gonna do
one at a time?

I don't have them.
I don't know.

(Tommy) I'm telling
you, it is a waste of time.

Just do it.
Prove her wrong.

Show her you got
awesome sperms.

Dude, Audrey's making
you check your sperm?

Tell her I said
to lighten up.

[laughing]

No, I just have
trouble in groups.

It's hard to keep it going when
there's a bunch of other people around.

You've never been
to an orgy?

No. Have you?

Nah. But I had sex with two different
chicks in the same week. Bifecta!

I went to an orgy once.

Not with Audrey.
Laughs]

There's just gonna be a bunch of other
guys jerking off in all the other rooms.

I don't feel like it.

But didn't you do
that for a living?

No, not for a living.

But you got
paid to do it.

Okay, fine, but I knew the
guy who owned the place,

and he let me come in after
hours when it was empty.

Dude, get this.
My brother's a lawyer.

He represented this pervert
that works at one of those clinics.

Sick bastard hid cameras
in the smoke detectors.

Cops raided his house.
Found stacks of DVD's

of guys choking
their cobras. [hisses]

Laughs]
What?

Wade, let's go.

Cool. Let's get out.

I'll catch you guys
in a few. I'll follow.

Why do we hang out
with that douche bag?

Doesn't bother you he
used to go out with Audrey?

I used to go out with Tanya
and you still hang out with me.

Yeah, but at least you don't
look like a blond squirrel.

I do not.

You know what?

Dan '1' worry about this jerking
off thing. You're gonna be fine.

I have a little
inspiration for you.

For old time's sake.

Oh, no, no.
I can't.

Yes, you can.

That's not right.

But those nipples
are world fucking class.

They are. They're like
little tits on top of big tits.

No, take them.
I can't.

Okay. Sure? You're too
good. You're too good.

And by that I mean you're
an unbelievable pussy.

Maybe so.
Maybe so.

Well.

Excuse me. I go whack my
ding-dong into a plastic dish

with a bunch of
dudes all around.

Okay. Don't do it
while you're driving.

♪ > [just need' ♪

♪ > Your love injection' ♪

♪ > I don't need
Your affection

Dr. Vickerey is the
best in the business.

If he can't impregnate
your wife, no one can.

You'll be
in room four today.

Pedro!

[foreign accent] Sorry.
I-I am sorry. I was, uh,

just making
a phone call.

I'm sorry, Mr. Macklin.

(Pedro) I wasn't jerking off.

As you can see, we have several
different forms of stimulation,

both homo
and hetero.

I'll take hetero.

Well, you have
20 minutes.

Relax and take
your time.

Hey, doctor,
where is the lubrication?

Oh, no, we can't run a risk of
contamination. You will just have to dry.

And you can't use
saliva either.

The human mouth
is quite filthy.

Okay.

I'll just be right
here if you need me.

Okay.

Right where?
Like right there?

Oh, well, I can go away for
a few minutes if you prefer.

No, it's, it's--

Damn, it's hot.

Yeah. Let's
take a break.

[chuckles]

[giggles]

[laughing]

Gal, as pretty as you are,
we 're still missing one thing.

Oh, yeah?
What's that?

You gotta meet
my friend, Big Jim.

Ooh. I sure hope
he's handsome.

[laughs]

[neighs]

Nice to meet you, Jim.

You are big.

[loud volume]

[women moaning]

[horse neighs]

Mr. Macklin, could you
please turn that down a bit?

It's a touch loud.

[horse neighs]

(Tommy)
I have to go home.

Babe, all you had to do
was jerk off into a cup.

Babe, all you had to do
was jerk off into a cup.

What's the big deal?
I mean, seriously.

How many times have you
masturbated in your life? A hundred?

Uh, sure.
About 100, yeah.

I called and they said
you can do it at home.

You have to get the sample
there within 30 minutes.

I've timed the drive and it's
18 minutes, so don't waste time.

I'm teaching
a class at 4:00,

so you have the whole place to
yourself to do your little jerky business.

Sort of takes the fun out of it
when you tell me I have to do it.

I prefer sneaking around
when you're not here

and pretending
I don't do it.

Yeah, okay.

Hi. What's your name?

[foreign accent]
Alberto.

Could you help me
with my lotion?

By boyfriend usually
does it but we just broke up.

Thanks.

Si, senora.
No hay problema.

[doorbell chimes]

Oh, could you do
the bottoms, too?

[doorbell chimes]

[doorbell chimes]

Shit, shit.

Hi, there. How are you
on this blessed day?

Hi. Good.

Great. If you have a
moment, we'd like to tell you

about our personal
savior, Jesus Christ.

You know, I don't know if right now
is the best time to talk about Jesus.

It's not a good time
to talk about Jesus?

God's only son died for his
sins but it's "not a good time."

Well, I guess some people just think
they're more important than Jesus.

I don't think I'm more
important than Jesus.

But unless he can miracle a
baby up into my wife's vagina,

then I gotta take a pass.

Thank you though
so much. Okay, bye.

[whispers]
All right.

[exhales] Jesus Christ. Come on.

(Audrey)
Tommy? You're home?

Hi.

What's going on?

Oh, you kinda caught me
doing something naughty.

Really?

My college roommate,
Jenny, is here.

And we've been talking
about old times,

and laughing about how
we used to share everything.

Say hi, Jenny.

Hi.

Hi.

Anyway, since
we share everything,

Jenny was wondering
if we could share you.

Oh, okay.

He said yes.

Go ahead, Tommy.

Really?

Thanks, Audrey.

He likes it
from behind.

Oh, cool.

[sighs]

[whispers]
Thank you.

Oh, Jesus!

Do you have enough
time for me now, Tommy?

Why?

Dude.
[grunts]

[whispers] No, sir. No way.

[Tommy moaning]

(Tommy) Oh, come
on, come on, come on.

[honking]

[laughs]

Ah!

Nice move, dickhead.

[laughs]

Hey!

[panting]

[shouts]

[cell phone ringing]

[grunts]
What's up, Tommy?

The pictures, the ones of Tanya,
I left them on the bathroom sink.

You gotta
go get 'em.

Yeah,dog. I knew you'd use 'em.

I used pictures
of cantaloupes.

Did you say
cantaloupes?

I got some
flat tires.

Some flat tires?
Are you high?

You've gotta go to my
house and get those pictures.

Of the cantaloupes?

The pictures of Tanya!

You said you
didn't use them.

The back door's open. The
pictures are in the bathroom.

Okay, I got
one more set to do.

Do this now!

All right. Chill out.
I'm on the move.

You chill out.

You chill out.

You fuck
chill out!

(Todd) Audrey. Audrey!

Hey.

My God, are you taking
gorgeous pills or what?

Thanks,Todd.

Hi.

Oh, my gosh,
she's so cute.

She could've been yours
if you'd said yes to me.

Just kidding.
[chuckles]

We're actually trying
for one of our own.

Right. Yeah.
I heard about that.

Tom's having
some trouble, huh?

Oh...no, no.

Audrey, it's okay. It's me.

Okay, well, yeah.
But it's gonna be fine

'cause we're seeing this
really great doctor,

and it's all gonna be
taken care of.

Oh, I'm sure.
I'm sure.

Look, you never know how
these things are gonna work out.

Hey, slow down, asshole!
I got kids!

Well, I'd better
get her back.

I'll see you at
Tommy's birthday.

Good to see you.

I miss you.

Okay. Bye.

Huh.

[pop music]

Fucking wild
goose chase, Tommy.

Hello.

Goddammit.

[unzips pants]

(Audrey)
Tommy?

Oh, shit.
shit, shit, shit.

[whispers] Okay,
okay, okay, okay.

♪ I'm a man ♪

♪ > God damn
God damn' ♪

♪ > God damn' ♪

♪ > I'm a man

Wade, did you get
the pictures?

I couldn't find them.

Where's my wife?

In the shower.

What's with
the pants?

I saw
those cantaloupes.

Hey! Help!

[closes faucet]

[Wade moaning outside]

(Audrey) Hey.How did it go?

Uh, great. I had a
few flat tires, but--

A few flat tires?

Yeah.

Did you get it there
on time?

Of course I got it
there on time.

Thank you for doing
that for me.

I'm happy to. I'm just
glad that tomorrow

we have proof that
my guys are good to go.

Me, too.

Can I put my penis in
your vagina right now?

Yes.

I'm feeling
really potent.

-Oh, are you?
-Yes, I am.

I'm afraid your sperm
count is too low to conceive.

I'm afraid your sperm
count is too low to conceive.

But that is
impossible.

I know some men find it
difficult to hear that but--

Hold on. How can
we tell that it's not--

I've already
examined Audrey.

Her tubes are clear. Her
hormone levels are perfect.

And she has,
in my opinion,

two of the pinkest, plumpest, and
most beautiful ovaries I have ever seen.

Thank you.

[giggles]

Are you hitting
on my wife?

ls that what he was
doing? It seemed like it was.

Sorry about him.

Okay, so what exactly
is wrong with my sperm?

This is a slide
of a normal sample.

And this
is your sample.

They look drunk.

They do, don't they?

Where are
they going?

O-okay, so just
for argument sake,

let's just say you're right.
How did they get that way?

One possible cause
is testicular trauma.

Have you ever experienced
anything like that?

[groans]

[groans]

No, no. Not that I can recall.

Oh, well then, I'm going to
order you a scrotal exploration.

A scrotal what now?
What is that? What?

Sometimes a tear will form
in the tunica albuginea

resulting in extrusion
of the testicular contents.

We simply insert a small camera
info the penis, through the urethra--

This sounds amazing. How about
this, and I'm just spitballing here,

why don't we take my
ball sack and scrape it up

against a cheese grater?
Or maybe go out to your car

and slam my dick
in the trunk.

Do you feel like
that might help or?

I'm sorry.

I can assure you, Mr. Macklin,
this is a mostly painless procedure.

Yeah, I'm kinda getting
caught up on the word "mostly."

It's just-- It's
a lot to take in.

Okay, okay.
So, let's say

nothing comes in
this scrotal exploration.

Then my suggestion would
be that you find a donor.

But we 're not
there, yet, so.

I think you're right.
We're not there, yet.

We're not even close
to being there, yet.

I think you've freaked
out my wife, sir.

And we're gonna be--
we're gonna be leaving now.

Are you okay, honey?

Too far. Okay.

Oh, sorry.

What's up with Audrey and Tommy?
Why aren't they talking to each other?

It's this whole baby thing. I think
it's time one of us stepped up.

I think one of us should
offer our sperm to our buddy.

That's the right
thing to do.

All right. As his best
friend, I will toss it in there.

Laughs] No,
seriously, no offense.

Hey, hey, this isn't
genetic, okay?

It's called laziness.
My sperm is thin, fit.

Whatever. We don't know
whose sperm he's gonna choose.

What?

What, 'cause
I'm black?

Ah, 'cause we wouldn't want
Tommy to have a biracial baby, right?

The kid might grow up to be
the president. Or Halle Berry.

Okay, fine. We settle
it this way, okay?

We all jack off
into a cup, right?

And we swirl it around, and
then may the best man win.

May the best
man win what?

Uh, just--
The World Series?

Happy birthday, man.

Awesome party, Tom.

What if] get drunk and
take all my clothes off?

It might be
something nice.

That is good, right? All right.

Bye.

Bye.

Hey,can| get you a
drink? You have a drink.

Do you need
anything? Food or?

Hey, guys.
Happy birthday, Tommy.

(Audrey)
Hey, Julie.

Happy birthday, dude.

Thanks.

Todd and I have been talking
and we heard about your problem.

And we would like
to offer our services.

For what?

What we'd like to do
is offer you our sperm.

What?

Tommy, we've been blessed with
three smart, beautiful, healthy children.

Honestly, when Todd first
brought it up, I was unsure, too.

When Audrey said no 10 Todd's
proposal all those years ago,

Seems like yesterday.

She gave me
a gift.

And this is my chance
to repay her.

So, what do you say?

What do I say?

Um--

Honey, let me.

Dude, I am sorry.
Huge misunderstanding.

We did not mean
to offend.

We were just
trying to be nice.

I just thought if you're
gonna have a donor,

might as well be someone
you know. That's all.

Right? That's it! There's
no reason to be rude.

I'm not asking to stick
it in Audrey directly.

I mean, unless you're
into that. Some guys are.

I don't know. I bet Julie
would be fine with it if you are.

Or not. Whatever.
Just let me know.

People loving
people, right, man?

I love you.

Hi, there.

I'm ready for
that drink now.

Okay.

You'd be there to monitor
the whole thing.

You know, honey, I clipped
an article in recipes and things

about how overpopulation is contributing
to a general decline in male sperm count.

Thanks, Mom.

You know what I was thinking,
sweetie? Tommy's an only child.

Yeah, that might be
the problem right there.

His whole family
might have bad sperm.

But he's lucky
he made it.

[laughs]

Hi!

How are you?

Good.

Thanks for getting it.

Oh, yeah, pork
fried rice there.

Wait a second. I was--Oh, okay,
I know what I was gonna say.

Okay, you know
our little problem,

our very personal
and private problem?

Well, it has nothing
to do with me.

I don 7 need to put hemorrhoid
cream on my ball sack, Wanda.

I don't need
to eat hot peppers.

And I don't need to have a
camera shoved up my hole, darling.

My sperm is
perfectly fine.

Why? Because I say
that it is. End of discussion.

Let's eat.

Food.

Who can deny
science like that?

Okay, you want science?
I'll give you some science.

You know that softball team I played
on? There was no softball team. Softball.

I drove to a sperm bank,
and I donated sperm.

I did.
Twenty times.

And each time, they
paid me cold hard cash.

They wouldn't very well pay me
good money for bad sperm, would they?

See how that works?

Now let's eat. God!

You did What?

What?

Tommy, what did
you just say?

I fell in love
with a gorgeous woman

who deserved an amazingly
expensive engagement ring

that I couldn't afford. And at 85
bucks a pop, honey, it just seemed like--

Tommy, you
have children.

Twenty children
out there.

(Clark)
At least.

Thanks, Dad.

You don't understand. I gave 20
samples. That doesn't necessarily--

It doesn't
necessarily mean that--

No, I am sure that
most of that sperm

is sitting right there
in that bank right now.

Tommy, you have children.

Oh, Tommy.

Come on, Clark, you understand
what I was trying to do, don't you?

You get it, right?

I understand
completely, Tommy.

I understand that you bought
my daughter's engagement ring

with beat off money.

Got her a cum diamond.

(man) Pasadena Andrology
and Cryobank. May I help you?

Hey, how're you doing? I'm
here 'cause I need some sperm.

Okay. I could set you up with
one of our sales reps and they--

You know what? That's
not gonna be necessary.

I actually just need
some of my own sperm.

Your own sperm? I think we
can cutout the middle man here.

No, no. I'm a donor. I donated
some sperm about five years ago,

and I was hoping to get that
back. I hope there's some left.

What's your
name, buddy?

Thomas Macklin.

What do you know?
We have one batch left.

Yeah!
That is great.

You know what? You
guys paid me $85 per batch,

and I feel that it's
only right for me to--

Oops, I'm sorry.

It looks like
we already sold it.

[stammers]

My bad.

To-to who?

To whom?

Seriously?

I don't know
if that's right.

You're right.
It's "to whom."

It's whom?
Ah, okay.

Anyway, we sold it to this
couple three weeks ago.

We 're performing the
insemination on dee-dee-dee-dee,

Monday.

Whatever it is they're paying
you, I'll give you double now.

This isn't eBay, sir. We don't
get info bidding wars over sperm.

Okay.
You know what?

I don't wanna have to do
this 'cause I'm not a dick,

but it just so happens that I'm a good
personal friend of Kevin Baldrey, the manager.

Ooh. You hear
that, Lyle?

Is that right?

He's a personal friend
of Kevin Baldrey.

I'd like to speak
to him right now.

You and Kev aren't so close, otherwise
you'd know he doesn't work here.

He got fired for putting hidden
cameras in the masturbatories.

What? He--

He hid them in the smoke detectors
so he could videotape guys jerking off,

and he put them
on the Internet.

Are you saying
that, uh--

There's only one
way to find out.

Looks like that website's back up
now that Kevy fled to Amsterdam.

Oh, really?
Check that out.

Yep. There you are.

Macklin.

So much for the theory that
left handers are more intelligent.

Sir, back away
from the desk.

Can I see?

Do you always make
that face when you climax?

You look like
a baby burp.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Oh, yeah, yeah.

[shouts]

Get him out of here. Jeez.

[groans]

Say hi to Kev for me.

♪ > Happiness starts
With a smile' ♪

♪ > It's contagious' ♪

♪ > Catch it now

How are you doing? I'm
looking for a Mrs. Leslie Jenkins.

I'm Leslie Jenkins.

I'm sorry.
I thought that--

It's alright.
It's a Southern name.

Do I know you?

No, you don't.

I'm Tommy Macklin.
I'm your sperm donor.

Oh. Oh!

Can I sit down with you
and your wife for a minute ?

Honey, come here!
You're gonna love this!

Jeffrey, this
is Tommy Macklin.

How're you doing?

Tommy Macklin?
Oh. Oh!

Do you have
a light beer?

Then we found out
my sperm was no good.

It caused a lot of
stress in our relationship

because obviously we
wanna have a baby naturally.

We don't know anything
about naturally.

Not an option.

Yeah. But I
don't understand.

Between the two
of you guys,

you've got twice as much
sperm as most couples.

Twice as much? More like ten times
as much with the human fire hose here.

I've learned to take my contacts
out, if you know what I mean.

It's like stepping on a full
tube of toothpaste with you.

That's wild. So, why don't you
just use some of Jeffrey's sperm?

[laughing]
No, no, no. No.

My family has more
alcoholics than Celebrity Rehab.

Plus he's OCD and ADD.

Mildly. Anyway, we wouldn't pass
my DNA on to my worst enemy's baby,

much less our own.

Okay. So then what
about yours, Leslie?

That was plan A. But as it turns out,
my sperm is--what's the word they used?

Confused.

My sperm is
confused, too.

I cannot
believe that.

We saw the pictures.
It was crazy.

You know what? I am confident
we can work something out.

I'm happy to reimburse
you for any expenses,

and for the cost of
finding a new donor.

Well, that's very sweet,
Tommy, but to be honest

we're quite happy
with the donor we chose.

See, Leslie has a hang up about
having a baby that looks like him. Shallow.

Guilty as charged.

When we found out
he couldn't produce,

we started looking for a
donor with similar features.

And in the end we,
well, we landed on you.

What about $2,000?
That seems fair.

I just really need
that sperm back.

[exhales] Tommy,
I'm really sorry,

but to find the right donor, I don't think
we could go through that process again.

We've never had
more arguments.

I thought we were
gonna break up.

We almost did. But
we didn't, did we?

No. Tommy, if there 's
one thing I know, it's this.

Love will find a way.

It worked for us
and it will work for you.

In fact, Leslie, why don't you show
Tommy some of the runners up?

There's some guys in there
that look a little like you.

You could tell your wife
you got your sperm back.

Maybe slip a little something to
the doctor. She'd never know, so.

Anyway, I've gotta get
jogging before nightfall.

Pleasure meeting you.

Best of luck.

I'll get
the folder for you.

I can get you
your sperm back.

Uh, but I thought
we just said that--

Come inside.

Goddammit, Tommy. I feel
horrible about this. I really do.

Jeffrey said---

Forget Jeffrey. I wear the
pants in this relationship.

And I would like to see
you have your family.

Really?

Yes. I'm sure we can reach
some kind of mutual agreement.

It's simple, isn't it? You want
your sperm back, and I want you.

Jeffrey always says
I'm a narcissist.

That's probably why
I'm so attracted to you.

It'd be like having
sex with myself.

Having sex?

I want to be
inside you, Tommy.

What?

I want to enter you.

Are you-are you
not getting this?

I——

Have you ever had
anal sex, Tommy?

I can't say
that I have.

It's like getting your prostate
checked. Have you done that?

You should. Detection
equals prevention.

Okay, okay.

Come on, Tom.
We're guys here.

Let's do this.
Don't be so homophobic.

I'm not homophobic.

You're afraid to have sex
with another man.

It doesn't get more
homophobic than that.

I don't think you're
using that word right.

All right. |'|| tell
you what PM do.

You enter me.

What the hell?
I'm feeling generous.

It's my final offer, Tom.
What do you say?

[lawn mower
engine running]

I say fuck him. It's
just a hole. Stick it in.

I say fuck him. It's
just a hole. Stick it in.

Can we be
serious, please?

Or let him fuck you. Who
gives a shit? Fuck or be fucked.

Close your eyes, stick it
in, and think of baseball.

That'll make it
last longer.

What do you got to lose?

I can think
of a few things, Wade!

Shit, I would do it.
But everybody knows

that gay guys
don't like fat people.

They're "fatophobic."
"Plumpophobic."

"Plumpophobia" or whatever. Have
you ever seen a gay fat guy before?

No, they don't exist.
They're like unicorns.

Have you ever seen
a fat unicorn before?

Me either.

Help me!

When they said you couldn't
have your sperm back,

they robbed you of
your future. Right?

And you have every
right to steal it back.

Are you talking about
robbing a sperm bank?

"A" double right,
you bet I am.

No, that's crazy.

Crazy?
Or brilliant?

Crazy.

Brilliantly crazy.

No, just crazy.

And brilliant. Don't
think about yourself.

Think about your
unborn child.

If you don't do
something soon,

the last good seed
you have on Earth

is gonna be implanted
deep inside some surrogate.

And good luck getting it back
then. Fuck or be fucked, Tommy.

Fuck or be
fucked, Tommy.

No, wait a second. How are
we gonna rob a sperm bank?

I've been thinking
about this.

I know just the guy
who can help us.

Walk with me.

How do you know
this guy again?

How do we
know this guy?

Shut up, Zig Zag.
Keep your mouth shut.

This whole thing was
my idea in the first place.

What?
Your idea?

You think you can come up with
a crazily brilliant idea like this?

Okay. The guys in the meat
department introduce me to him.

Apparently he's
the real deal.

Former bag man
for the Indian mafia.

What does
that mean?

That's racist. They like to
be called Native-Americans.

No, he's Indian. Dot head
Indian, not feather Indian.

That's even
more racist.

You're a racist.

Bag man means you fuck with him,
you end up with a bag on your hip.

- Bag on your hip? What the fuck does that mean?
- You shit in a bag.

And then they tell me that they
can't even sell me back my own sperm.

And then they kick me out.

Yeah, and they pepper
sprayed me in the face.

Pushed me into the bushes.
I have prickers everywhere.

I mean, if I don't
get my sperm back, man,

my marriage is over.

You know, these bastards
are assholes,

and they're stealing
my future,

and they're taking away my
constitutional right to do whatever I want

with my own sperm.

You know?

Do you see
what I'm saying?

Yes, I do.

You're saying you bought
your wife's engagement ring

with beat off money.

[laughs]

Classic, right?
Laughs]

I like you.

You're a married man.

I always want
to be married man.

But I never found love.

What can you do?

I will help you.

Hey, all right.

Thank you, Ron Jon.
See?

Wow, thanks, man.

Cost is 5000.

5000? I really had
no idea.

Could you excuse us.
Give us a sec.

What are you doing?
You're blowing the deal.

$5000 to rob
a sperm bank?

How much do you
think it costs?

-I don't know.
-Exactly.

Are you gonna put a
price tag on your family?

Shit.

You must have a rich
uncle around somewhere.

I've got $11,000 saved up
in the house fund.

I could possibly borrow five and
pay it back before Audrey found out.

Now you're talking sense.

This is it.

Now be cool.

So, we were
just chatting.

And we feel like,
yeah, sure, yeah,good.

What about $3000?

Mr. Macklin,
make no mistake.

We are committing
a felony here.

There is grave risk involved.
Do you understand me?

Yeah, 5000 then.
5000 seems good.

Very nice!

Very, very, very nice!

-Thank you for your time.
-Looks like we have a deal.

Dude, were you seriously
in the Indian mafia?

What the fuck, man?

I never said anything.

You have to know
every fucking thing.

Okay, fine.

Okay, Mr. Nosy.

If you must know,
back in Mumbai,

I was the best second
story man in the business.

What business?

The stealing
shit business, okay?

-Okay.
-What is your name?

Zig Zag.

What is so funny, Zig Zag?

I was just
kinda laughing

at what the whole “Indian”
organized crime thing was all about.

What? You don't think Indian
crime can be organized?

Indians are
very organized.

No, I'm sure. I just had
this, like, idea in my head

about all these Indian mob
dudes, sitting around,

like being all non-violent
with each other.

'Cause you think about,
like, Gandhi, right?

I mean, he was, like...

Should I show you
how nonviolent I can be?

No!

You think Indians can only
drive a cab and fix your computer?

Well, let me
tell you something.

I did drive a cab! And I
can fix your computer,

but I can also
cut your throat!

Shall I show you,
Mr. Zig Zag?

No, I feel like
I got it.

Yeah, I feel like
I understand.

Yeah, I was just
pretty baked.

Cool off, man, okay?
Cool off.

Everybody cool off.

[Wade]
Hey, it's cool.

Let us drink.

[silent mouthing of words]

Let us drink
to a successful mission.

What is this?

Just drink it, god damn it.
Everybody, "What is it?

"What is it?
What is it?"

Okay, come on!

To success!

To success!

, Spitting]

I will get you your
sperm back, Mr. Macklin.

That much,
I guarantee.

[Mona] So you just
must be totally pissed.

Yeah, I was
furious at first.

I mean, he's got
kids out there.

But then I thought, why
not just go down there

and see if they have any of
his good sperm left for us to use.

And?

It was five years ago.

They told him they'd look,
but it didn't look good.

Billy, no!

If you keep drowning
James, I swear to God,

I gonna come over there
and drown you right back!

It's not James.

Well, who can tell,
you little sewer rat?

All right, that's it.

Get over here!

Oh, Allison,
she's so adorable.

What's her name?

Well, we wanted to name
her something Chinese,

but also, you know, American,
so we went with Jackie Chan.

Jackie Chan
Finnerman. Nice.

Wait...

Stop it!
C'mon, stop it!

God, she's so quiet.

Yeah, she's really quiet.
She never cries.

Yeah, I've heard that
about those babies.

Why does everybody know
so much about Asian babies?

Did I miss a class
or something?

They're just like
American babies.

Only better.

I heard they're
also really musical.

You should totally get
her a piano, like, right now.

Well, I already
got her a violin.

She doesn't even
have fingers yet.

So, just out of curiosity,

how much did it cost
to adopt her?

About $10,000
when you add it all up.

Did you want
to hold her?

Oh, I'd love to.

Hi, Jackie Chan.

Hi.

Oh, princess.
Yeah. Hi.

There he is,
our five-star general.

Okay.

I have done a complete
stakeout of the target.

Nothing to it.

Piece of cake.

-Oh, that's great.
-Awesome.

Each person will have
a special job.

You. Because you are small like
a woman, you will be wheel man.

Drive only.
No talk.

A woman.

No talk.

You.

If shit go down, and
all fuck break loose...

you are
trigger man.

I'm not gonna
shoot this gun, so...

Let me tell
you something.

I have two strikes
against me.

One more and I go
to prison for life.

If we are caught, you must
shoot me. Do you understand?

I'm not gonna
shoot you, Mr. Jon.

Christ, I'll shoot him.

Sorry.

So here is the plan.

This is
the sperm bank.

This is barber shop
right next door.

Wait a minute.
Just, sorry,

but wouldn't it
make more sense

if we made the comb
the barber shop

and the cream the sperm
bank? I'm just saying.

Yeah, I'm with Tom
on this one.

Okay, fine, fine.

This is barber shop,
and this is sperm bank.

And this is the liquor store
across the street.

What?

Wouldn't it be better if Zig
Zag's beer was the liqour store...

and this ketchup bottle
was something else?

Liquor store, barber shop,
sperm bank. Any questions?

[belches loudly]

-Yeah.
-Yeah, that's good, yeah.

Okay, you and wheel man will
arrive early, dressed as plumber.

You're gonna have your name
on the plumbing truck?

Good point.

You two will enter
barber shop and go

to the employee
rest room.

You will open
sky light.

Then you will plant
special tools I need for job.

Soon it will be dark and
time for me to take over.

From the roof
of the liquor store,

I will slide on power
lines like Ninja,

I will drop in
through the sky light,

take the jack hammer

and blast my way
into the sperm bank.

Meanwhile, rest of team
will be outside,

providing noise cover
for jack hammer.

[loud rock music]

I don't
play guitar.

That's true.

But you do play
the accordion, right?

When I was nine.
[whispers] Shut up, Wade.

Once inside sperm bank,

I will use special lock
picking kit to open the vault.

With special lock picking kit,
I can open any lock, anytime.

And, just like that...

you are a daddy.

Did I tell you
this guy was the best?

Sorry, I just
have one question.

If you can open
any lock, anytime,

then why not skip the Ninja
routine, the jack hammer

and the 803 hair band,

and just pick the lock on
the door to the sperm bank?

Yeah, if you just
use the lock picking kit,

you can pick the lock on
the door to the sperm bank.

I like this guy.

He is a good one
to have on the team.

Great new plan.
I like it.

Okay. I would call
this plan

Operation Desert Sperm.

Hey, wow.

-Guess what?
-Just really quick, I wanna say something.

I know I have screwed
some things up lately.

But don't worry,
because...

I am on the case.

Guess what?

You're pregnant?

[gasps]

Yes, yes, yes.

Oh, Tommy, Tommy.

I want to adopt.

Adopt?

I went by the adoption agency
and got some information.

It's the perfect
solution for us.

Yeah, but the sperm bank
might still have...

Tommy, you said they
didn't think they had any.

They said they're
checking the warehouse.

I held Allison's
baby today.

And I just looked into
those big, beautiful eyes.

Oh, my gosh, Tommy.
I just fell in love.

Look it doesn't matter
how we get a baby.

Let's just
start a family.

Allison's baby
is Chinese, right?

Oh, she's so delicious.

What's wrong?

Nothing.

I'm half Chinese!

Thank you.
I know that, I just...

But out of curiosity, do they
have any American kids there?

Or even, like half Chinese
half American kids?

Babe, American babies are ridiculously
expensive and impossible to get.

There used to be
tons of Russian babies,

but one of them went a
little crazy, so that was that.

India won't let their babies
out. We could go Ethiopian?

What do they have,
like a menu?

So I did
some quick research.

Of course you did.

And the Chinese babies
are the easiest ones to get.

Do you have some kind of
Chinese issue I should know about?

You love Chinese food!

Yeah, but I'm not
gonna eat the baby.

You better not.

You know what? Let me just
take a piss, really quick.

Hold on, two seconds.

[Tommy sighs heavily]

I guess the Great Wall
is pretty sweet.

Oh, thank you!

I mean, you're
sure about this?

I've never been more sure
about anything in my entire life.

Okay, then.

You look disappointed.

I'm not disappointed.

I'm not disappointed.

This is not exactly how I
imagined it would work out,

but maybe
you're right.

Let's explore it,
How does it even work?

Well, when you add it all up,
it's about $10,000.

But I figure we can just borrow
it from the house fund, right?

Yes, yes we can.

I love you, Tommy.

I love you, honey.

It's off.

-What's off?
-The robbery, it's off.

Shut the fuck up.

No, seriously man.

We've gotta cancel it.

But I already bought
the ski masks.

It's too risky.
I can't get caught.

What about the baby?

Audrey decided we're
gonna adopt a Chinese baby.

Audrey decided you're
getting a Chinese baby.

When did you decide
to give up on America?

She decided.

We decided.

She just decided first
and then I decided later.

I'm tired of these Chinese.
They're making everything.

Shirts, the watch
and the pants.

Now they're gonna make
our babies?

I'm sick of this
outsourcing shit.

Wait a second.

We were gonna outsource
our robbery to this Indian.

Besides, this way we're
helping orphans and shit.

Giving them
a second chance.

Oh, we already gave them
a second chance.

Remember Pearl Harbor?

Never forget, man.

Fine, get your Chinese baby.
I'm over it.

You know what? I hear
they're pretty damn smart.

Yeah, and fucking
expensive.

We gotta get my $5000
back from your Mr. Ron Jon.

Okay, well I don't think
Mr. Ron Jon's an Indian giver.

No shit. I am
the Indian giver.

How could you
be the Indian giver?

I'm not having
this conversation.

Okay, listen.
Stick to the plan.

Play to his sympathies.

Make him feel guilty,
all right?

[knocks]

What the hell?
You're a day early.

Hey, we need to talk.

Okay, come in.

Getting in shape
for the big job.

[loud Indian pop music]

Listen, Mr. Jon,
I have some bad news.

I have to cancel the job.

Okay, fine.
Job is canceled.

Just like that?

Just like that.

C'mon. We can drink
to canceled job. Come.

Okay, let's do this.

The good stuff,
too, I see

Hey, yes. Nothing but the
best for my friends. C'mon now.

To canceled job.

Laughs]
Indians love Scotch.

And cocaine!

[laughs and coughs]
She don't lie.

Well, heck if I do.

That's a great TV!

Oh, you like it, huh?

Voice activated.
Check it out.

Shut the fuck up!

[music stops,
Ron Jon laughs]

I gotta get me
on of those.

Hey, those weights
look pretty new, too.

Listen, how much of that
$5000 have you spent?

5000?

Yeah,|gave
you $5000.

I guess I spent $5000.

You what?

No, no! Man...

The reason I had to
cancel the job is because...

I have an emergency,
and I need that money back.

Well, what is the emergency?

Well...
it's my mother.

She's ill,

-and if she doesn't get a new...
-Kidney...

...transplant,
then she'll die.

That is very, very sad.

My own mother,
she died of liver failure.

I cannot promise anything,
but I will see what I can do.

[kiss]

All right.

Yes, Mom, we're
really excited.

Of course she'll speak
English. We'll teach her.

No, we haven't come up
with names yet. Hold on.

Mom, I gotta go.

Audrey, I'm home.

I was just down
at the bank, just now,

and it's weird,
because they...

said apparently there's
a mistake that was made,

but not to worry, because they
could clear it up in a couple days.

What... is going on?

Audrey, baby...

What happened?
What's going on right now?

Would you stop
for a second?

We're gonna have enough
money for the Chinese baby.

[gasps]

You can take your Chinese
baby and shove it up your ass.

They're not mine.

Okay, tell me.
Then whose are they?

-They're Wade's.
-Okay.

Aud. Audrey...

[heels walking away]

Hey, wait!
Audrey, seriously, stop.

Hey, Audrey, You've gotta
be kidding me. Please, stop.

Stop, please!

-Hold on.
-Do you love her, Tommy?

Of course not.
I love you.

Then why were you jerking
off to naked picture of her?

I was jerking off to naked
pictures of cantaloupes.

I saw her
cantaloupes, Tommy.

And I'm sorry that my cantaloupes
aren't good enough for you.

If only you found
me attractive,

you could have jerked off
to naked pictures of me.

Audrey, seriously,
they are Wade's pictures.

Then how the hell did they
end up in our bathroom?

Well...

You know what?

Blame your friends.
Who cares?

You're not man enough
to knock me up, anyway.

I can't believe
you broke up with Tanya.

I got tired of her.

A man cannot live
by nipples alone.

Hey, Wade,
you asshole!

I told you to get the
pictures out of my... [groans]

She found the pictures.

Oh...

You know, she's right.

I got one job
to do as a man,

and I can't even do that.

It's just a little
crisis of confidence.

It happens to everyone.

Maybe we should
buy him a hooker.

What's he gonna do
with a hooker?

Oh, that's right.
He can't get it up.

Zig Zag, I can get
it up, dude.

He can get it up.
He just can't come.

I can come!

Yeah, sure. He can come. But
nothing comes out. Just puffs of air.

[all laugh]

Would you guys shut up?

If I lose Audrey, I don't
know what I'm gonna do.

C'mon, don't talk
like that.

She loves you
and you love her.

And she knows that
you'll do anything for her.

But I haven't done
everything, have I?

There's only one thing left I
could do to make this right.

And I'm gonna do it.

You're gonna have sex
with that gay guy?

What?

No, I'm gonna go back
to Pasadena,

and rob that bank.

Yeah, you are!

Whoa, rob a bank?

Here's the deal.

On Monday, the last
batch of sperm

that I have left in the
world will be gone forever.

But tomorrow night,
before that happens,

we're gonna go in there,
and steal that shit back.

We're pulling a bank job,

a sperm bank job.

What do you guys say?
Who's with me?

I'm with you, Tomahawk!

-Zig Zag.
-Aces high!

Darrell? We could use
some muscle on this job.

Right, well, I'm just
gonna run home real quick

and just grab a few
things, a few things...

for this mission.

Little criminal stuff
for the mission.

And then I'll meet you guys
at the designated place,

at the designated time.

Okay.

[car starts, squeals out]

Okay, Darrell's out.

He said designated spot,
designated time.

Zig Zag, we don't have a
designated spot, or a designated time.

Oh.

At least we don't have to
cut him in on the take, right?

That's good.

Ron Jon!
It's Wayne.

Ron Jon!

How can he hear you
over that stupid TV?

Shut the fuck up!

[silence]

-What?

So it's back on,
and we gotta go tonight.

Come in.

I can't do tonight,
but Wednesday might work.

Please, Mr. Jon. I paid you
a lot of money to do this job.

Hey, you canceled
the job, remember?

Yeah, but you never
gave me back my money.

Wait.

What is this?
You got my money in here?

Open it.

What the--what is this?

What do you mean
what the fuck?

It's a kidney. You say
your mother needs a kidney.

How about a little
"Thank you, Mr. Ron Jon."

Whose kidney is that?
Whose kidney is that?

Mr. Jon...

I don't know
how to tell you this,

but my mother's
perfectly healthy.

I made that shit up
to get my money back.

I see.

I feel very sorry. I feel
very strange about this.

Whose is this?

What man is out there
with less body?

Listen to me,
Mr. Jon, okay?

Please.

I'm desperate, okay?

Please help me.

I can't lose my wife.

You should have thought
of that before you lied to me.

What if I paid you
a shitload more money?

5000 dollars.

Goddammit, look.

I got $4000
right there, in cash,

in this envelope right here.

Okay, okay.
All right, okay.

I have got $40. $40.

Zig Zag.

[Zig Zag mutters]
What do we have here?

One, two, three...

[normal voice]
I have $8.

We've got $4048, okay?

So what do you say?
C'mon.

I'm not sure
if I can trust my team..

Okay, you know what? Let's
sweeten the deal a little bit.

Okay? What do you
say to that?

You know my weakness.

Let's do it!

[sighs heavily]

Let's do it.

She's your ex-girlfriend?

Yep.

[Ron Jon]
And your ex-girlfriend...

And what
about you, Ziplock?

I practice abstinence.

Good. I would not like a
woman you're attached.

When do I get her?

You get her. What?

Do you think she would like
me? Does she like beards?

Oh, shit.
Did you think that--

Tomorrow, noon.
We will drop her off.

Noon is good for me.

Noon can work.

[door knob turning,
door opening]

Tommy?

Tommy, I'm home!

[voicemail]
First message.

[Tommy] Hey, honey. just wanna
tell you that I've got it all figured out.

I am gonna get
my sperm back

and we are gonna
have our family, okay?

I gotta go, but I will
see you tonight.

[Wade] Wait for me!
Let's go steal that jizz!

Wade, shut up!

Oh, my God.

[crickets chirping]

Where the fuck
is Ron Jon, man?

[Wade]
Will you stop asking that?

Something's not right.

Jesus, Zig Zag.
Stop smoking pot.

It's making you paranoid
you douche.

Dude, it's for my glaucoma.

Do you really
have glaucoma?

Early stages.

Hey, dude.

-Where have you been?
-Seriously, dude.

I was casing the joint.

Good news...

There is no guard on duty,
and there is no alarm.

It's almost as if they don't
expect someone to break in

and steal their
own sperm back.

[Ron Jon laughs]

I have to tell you,

this is the craziest fucking
job I've ever been on.

Although there was
one time in India,

when they hired me to steal
a monkey back from a barber.

But what they
neglected to tell me

was how horny
this particular monkey was.

Okay, back to job.

We go in,
we steal the semen,

we get out.
Ten minutes, synchronized.

Okay, let's--
let's do this.

If the cops come,

honk three times,
like this.

[horn honking]

What the fuck, dude?

Why did you do that?

That is signal
to abort mission.

Ow, fuck, man!

If you leave without us,
I will find you.,

and I will kill you.

Let's roll.

[Tommy]
I don't know, Wade.

I got a bad feeling
about this guy.

Well, that's just because
he's a criminal.

That's how you're
supposed to feel.

[Ron Jon]
Shit.

Shit!

What's wrong?

I can't remember
the exact combination.

To the lock
picking kit?

Yes, to the lock
picking kit, okay?

Did you write it
down somewhere?

If I wrote it down, I'd have
the fucking thing open.

Maybe it's
your birthday.

It's not my birthday.

-Phone number.
-Don't make fun of me.

-Street address?
-What the fuck does that mean?

Oh, oh!
Mother's birthday.

Could be.

[Ron Jon yells]

Don't worry,.
I have an idea.

[glass breaking]

-Bad man for the India mafia?
-That's what I was told.

[Ron Jon] Okay, where
do they keep the sperm?

How the hell
should I know?

Oh, shit! I just remembered
the combination!

Awesome. Great.

We gotta split up so we
can cover more ground.

Hello, lady.

Bingo.

Bingo.

[Zig Zag moaning]

Bingo.

[whispers] Okay. Oh,
yeah. Oh, yeah. Jackpot.

Macklin, Macklin...

Yeah, yeah.

Whoa, whoa!

[crash]

[screams]

Bingo.

[laughs]

[screams]

What is this?

[groans]

Okay, okay.

Wade! Ron Jon!
I got my sperm.

What are you doing?

I am very lonely.
Never married.

We gotta get out of here.

No, no, no, no.

Where is it?

What?

Don't move.
Okay?

No! No!

Don't move!

[screams]

Oh, shit. Fuck. Cops.

[horn honking]

Ron Jon, that's the signal.

Let's go!

[9698]
Okay.

Shit!
[Squealing tires]

[screams]

Wade, are you okay?

Once I'm soapy.

-I need some mouthwash.
-I got my sperm.

Awesome.

Where the hell
is Zig Zog?

Son of a bitch!

Don't worry. I will
kill that motherfucker.

Cops, cops cops!
Go, go!

Holy shit, holy shit,
holy shit.

We gotta get the hell
out of here.

Yeah, we gotta go
steal a car.

Wait, wait, wait.

You cannot take the risk.

You have to make a baby.

That is your job.

I will go get us a car.

That's grand
theft auto.

Grand theft auto.
That is how I started.

Life of crime.
Very nice.

Can I have the addresses of all the
sperm banks in Pasadena, please?

No, this isn't
a crank call.

Ew, get your mind
out of the gutter.

You're gonna have
to turn up here.

-Which way?
-That way.

Really?
What is that?

Which way?

That way!

Wade, where is he?

My sperm's gonna fall out.

Shh!

What is that?

What the hell?

-Oh, my God.
-Come on! Let's go!

Get in!

[rap music on radio]

Yes, yes, yes, yes!

[squealing tires]

What the fuck?

Please don't hurt us!

Ron Jon, what are
these people doing here?

This was the only car
with the key in it.

Well, pull it over!
Pull it over right now.

I can't pull over.
They've already seen us.

-Please don't kill us!
-We haven't seen anything.

Nobody's killing
anybody, okay?

Technically, we really
should kill them.

No! No!

Ron Jon!

Okay, fine. I pull over.
Give me a minute.

-Dude, your sperm's melting.
-Oh, shit.

Ron Jon!

Man, I need some ice
back here.

This sperm is starting
to heat up.

Ron Jon, pull over.
Ron Jon, get me some ice.

Is there anything else
I can do for you, sir?

Okay, one second.

Here you go!

[woman screams]

It's okay.

Chill out, sperm!

[siren]

Oh, shit!

We are having company!

Oh, fuck!

Hold on people!
I'm going to lose him!

[squealing tires, screams]

-You smell really great.
-Thank you.

False alarm!

Everything's cool.

-Just an ambulance.
-An ambulance?

Are you crazy?

Hey, man.
You should be happy.

We're home free.
We made it.

Congratulations. You're
going to be a daddy!

I am , aren't I?

Thank you, Ron Jon.

We did it, Macklin!

[Ron Jon indistinct]

Let us have
some liquid celebrate!

[pulls cork off
with teeth]

[screams]

Ron Jon!

[everyone screaming]

I think I just
had a miscarriage.

Ow, fuck.
What the fuck, man?

Are you okay?

[bottle clinks
on pavement]

Hey, I was just coming
to get you, man.

Are you okay?

-I will kill you!
-Oh, fuckin' hey, dude.

Fuckin' hey, man!

I was coming back.

[sirens]

Freeze!

Get on the ground.
Get on the ground!

You're under arrest
for grand theft auto.

You, too, asshole!
Get down!

Tommy, fuck
or be fucked, bro.

Drop the bucket
and get down.

Fuck or be fucked!

Yeah!

You'll never catch him!

Fuck!

Slow down!

[sirens]

I need backup.
He's still running.

Oh, it's close. It's close.
It's right around here.

What the fuck?

Oh, Jesus.

I don't even know
those guys. C'mon!

-Wade?
-Hey Audrey, what's up?

Where's Tommy?

Ma'am, please keep moving.

He's got the sperm.
He's got the sperm.

He went that way!

All right, buddy.
Come on out.

I see you.

Come on out.
No place to go.

-Uh, no.
-Yeah.

-No.
-Yeah.

-No!
-You're coming out now.

Don't I get some, uh...

I got some demands.

Yeah,|got
a list of demands.

Okay.

What do you want?

I need a bucket
of ice.

That's it.
A bucket of ice.

How about a bucket
of chicken instead?

Hey, man. I need
that ice now.

Do you mind my asking
what you need the ice for?

Be--because I have
to keep my sperm cold.

What was that?

Because I have
to keep my sperm cold!

[laughs cynically] You're
sperm is too hot, is it?

There was a break in at the
sperm bank down the street.

God, this country just keeps
getting weirder and weirder.

-Call psychiatric.
-All right.

Son? Is that stolen sperm
you've got there?

No, it's my sperm!
All right?

If it's sperm
he's looking for,

there's gonna be plenty
where he's headed. Am I right?

[cops laugh]

Hey, Captain.
This is his wife.

Can I talk to him? I
can get him to come out.

Yeah, well you got
two minutes.

Then we're gonna
take him the hard way.

Get the battering ram.

Bring it in.

Tommy!

-Hi.
-Hi.

I got my sperm.

I know.

It's been a weird
couple days, hasn't it?

This is the coolest thing a
guy has ever done for a girl.

Look, I'm sorry I got mad at
you about the pictures of Tanya.

I know you never would have
jerked off to them.

No, I'm sorry I bought your
ring with beat off money.

And I jerked off to that stupid
picture of those cantaloupes.

No, I saw the cantaloupes.
They were kinda hot.

Audrey, I'm sorry
my sperm stopped working.

Don't worry about it.

So what do we do with this
stuff? Just shove it on up there?

-Yeah, I think so.
-Okay.

They're gonna want to take
this away. You know that, right?

I know.

And then they're gonna
put me in in jail.

[police captain]
Bring it over here!

Okay, take the door!

-Ready?
-Ready.

On three, two, one.

Hand over the jizz
and get on the ground.

C'mon man.
I really need this stuff.

Get down now!

Tommy.

[high-pitched sound]

Look at my dick!
Look at my penis!

What the...

Operation Desert Sperm!

Where's the sperm?

I don't know.

-Did you get it?
-No, I missed it!

-What?
-Let's go!

Hands behind your back.

I'll meet you back
at the station, okay?

Okay.

-Hey.
-What?

You're always with me.

All right.
Let's go!

-Breathe!
-Okay.

You're doing great!

-Okay, we're almost there.
-You're doing great!

One big push.

We're almost there.

[baby crying]

-You got the clamp?
-Yes.

He's beautiful.

-My little baby.
-Very nice. Very beautiful. Very beautiful.

Hello, little fellow.

Hello.

Yeah?

What?

Okay, yeah, yeah.
No, no, I'll tell the guys.

No, no, I'll tell the guys.

Okay. Be good.
Talk to you soon.

Everybody?
Got some news.

Ron Jon's a daddy!

[advanced piano music]

Hey, Mama?
What's going on in here?

That is to the end
of breastfeeding.

-Hi.
-Hi.

You're pretty.

And how's my little mookie?
How are you doing?

He's beautiful and
wonderful and farty.

Just like his Daddy!

Daddy's a “me fatty.
Daddy gets that way, too.

And there's my two
other little munchkins.

How are you kids
doing over there?

Don't we make
beautiful babies together?

I need butt cream.

Okay, Mama's gonna
go get some butt cream.

Hey, dude. Grab
the triplets. It's time.

He's gonna go for you.

-He's ready.
-My little guy.

Hey, little man!

There's my big guy!

Hi!

All right, here we go.

I got $12 on Emmett!

Okay, put him down.

Sammy's my boy. He's
about to clean some clocks.

That's him
in the yellow, right?

No, that's Annie in the yellow.
Is that Audrey's breast milk?

Nothing but the best
for these horses.

All right, now.
It's the 15-yard dash.

The first baby that gets
to the bottle wins.

You in on this action?

Absolutely.

C'mon. These babies are hot.

Let's go, let's go!

What's going on here?

Uh, we're racing
the babies.

Huh.

-I got fifty on...
-Annie?

Yeah.

Okay, let's make
some money.

On your mark, get set,
go babies, go!

[cheering]

♪ > I came to LA.
to make rock 'n' roll' ♪

♪ > Along the way, I had
to sell my soul

♪ I made some good friends
that make me say ♪

♪ > I really wannabe in LA' ♪

♪ > I took the ten
to get to Beverly

♪ Laid some rock
to tape roll at 1 MD ♪

♪ > Alain and Natasha
always make me say

♪ > I really wannabe in LA.' ♪

♪ > I take the city
in the dead of night

♪ > I'm burning gas
until I feel all right

♪ > My Sunset honeys
always make me say

♪ > I really wannabe in LA MI]

♪ > I came to LA.
to make rock 'n roll' ♪

♪ > Along the way,
I had to sell my soul

♪ I made some good friends
that make me say ♪

♪ > I really wannabe in LA' ♪

♪ > I really wannabe in LA' ♪

♪ > I really wannabe in LA' ♪

♪ > Well, nothing could improve
my situation

♪ 'Cause cigarettes taste better
paired with coffee and frustration ♪

♪ > And I always need
a reason to complain

♪ > Ain't it good
to feel the pain

♪ > I live this way
and get away with it

♪ > I'm my own boss
but I don't pay me shit

♪ > And there's angels
fighting demons all the time

♪ > Growing in the dark
of my mind

./'And you are the best thing
and the worst for me ♪

P I'm blessed and cursed P

♪ > Together we will stay
with hell on earth to pay

♪ > And until the day I die
I'm in heaven by your side

♪ > by your side' ♪

♪ > Well nothing in this world
can bring me down

♪ Short of spending one more
nightmare in this godforsaken to town ♪

♪ > And you're the only one
who sets me free' ♪

♪ > The only one
who bothers me' ♪

♪ > And the wheels are spinning
faster every day

♪ > And it] was touching ground
I bet that I could get away

♪ > From all the moons and stars
and space you're giving me

♪ > I could start a new galaxy' ♪

♪ > And you will tour
the universe with me' ♪

♪ > We're blessed and cursed' ♪

♪ > Together we will stay
We just can't get away

♪ > And until the day I die
I'm in heaven by your side