Original subtitles

The Crossing

I've always stood aside, more of a silent observer.

I even had the reputation to be asocial.

The "brainy and neurotic" type people said.

With Sebastien there was no game of seduction.

Nevertheless, our first talks were only about sex.

For him, I recited my most extreme fantasies.

He laughed, without really believing me.

After that, my relation with him had found its territory:

friendship.

One day I told him my story:

that I didn't know my father.

In 1968 France still had American military bases.

My mother used to live in Orleans at the time,

and there she met an American soldier of 21 years.

They didn't really hesitate very much to have sex.

They met a couple of times

and their adventure might have become an affair,

if a few months earlier, General de Gaulle hadn't demanded that the American soldiers should be sent home.

In spring '67 the soldier had to leave,

only leaving an address, the promise to write.

But he didn't write.

Neither did she.

My mother, for a reason I ignore,

didn't want to notify him of my birth.

She decided to notify him years later.

By then there was nobody living at the old address.

Her letter was sent back to sender.

I found it by accident, hidden in a drawer.

My mother never speaks about my father.

About him, I only have very little information:

his date of birth, his height,

his profession at the time: soldier.

And his name: Douglas Rhea

Equipped with that information I decided to travel to the US to look for him.

When I told my story to Sebastien,

he proposed to join me looking for my father and even make a film about it.

Looking for my father, this means:

to admit that I had never had one.

Accept an absence, a void in my life that I had always denied,

without even knowing.

Finally I agreed.

Agreed twice:

agreed to look for my father,

agreed to make a film about it.

Because making a film gives me the illusion to do something else

than just look for my father,

a task which would have been too painful to me.

- Your destination? - New York.

Your passport please

Yeah, this is a very small street.

Sebastien doesn't seem to understand that my father doesn't exist,

that he's unchartered territory, blank,

that I have of him only conventional images because he is someone I know nothing about.

I don't know how to paint his portrait in his absence.

I've booked one room from Paris.

My name is Bouquet.

BOUQUET

Ok. I need some identification, passport?

Passport.

Ok, you'll be going into room 81-S.

Where is this?

It's two floors up.

I'd like you to take a look at the room first, make sure everything's ok.

And then come back down and see me.

2nd floor?

Two floors up, 81-S.

Thank you.

While I was a child, he remained for me a large silhouette,

but without a face.

I imagined that he might have had other children.

That I surely had a brother somewhere in the US.

That brother was very kind, very sweet

and also very beautiful.

He'd take me under his wing.

Thanks to that brother, I managed to live when living became difficult.

I'd call him for help, my brother would come.

He'd look after me,

entertain me when I felt lonely.

We'd have endless noisy conversations.

Sometimes we'd have sex too.

That is, I'd masturbate thinking of him.

Today, I think that this brother was the mask behind which I hid my desire for a father,

the means to let my father have a place in my life.

Because I was incapable to give him his usual place.

Even today, I'm not sure if I can call him "my father",

and if this word has any meaning,

if it isn't just an empty shell.

For a long time I thought my father had left the army,

that he'd settled in New York,

that he'd become a rich and famous surgeon.

Since my mother was a hospital nurse

there had to be a connection.

My father was a better version of my mother.

I imagined an enormous apartment in New York.

Each of us had his own room.

Life was magnificent.

I never told anyone that my father was a doctor, that the streets of New York were without secrets for him and that he was waiting for me.

When people asked me I said that I had no father.

And I saw that this gave me a kind of aura among the others.

It helped me.

And I found out that it was good to be without a father since it turned you into someone interesting.

And sometimes I really believed I had a father, that it was him,

he was living over there.

Photos of myself as a child, adolescent,

with my mother

Photos of my mother when she was young, and no longer young,

the few photos that remain of my story and his story,

in case I find my father, to show him what he missed out,

what we lived through without him.

My mother, in order to forget, had thrown away all the photos of them as a couple,

all the traces of this unhappy love affair out of which I was born.

If I make this film, it's also in order to replace with images of today those of the past.

My mother is there, I'm close to her,

very little space between us,

as if we were still glued to each other,

as if I hadn't detached myself from her,

or as if she hadn't allowed me to leave.

Most of all I love the photo where I wear a green jumper, because between my mother and myself, there's a book,

and because books have become my life.

What I see in those photos

is this:

my mother fed me,

taught me to read,

stays near, behind me, to protect me.

From what? From everything.

Like all children, at night I was surrounded by enemies.

But no one was strong enough to beat them

except my mother.

When I felt very afraid

I climbed into my mother's bed.

There was no man in her bed,

never.

The men came while I was away.

I wanted her to have lovers,

many lovers,

that it wasn't always just the two of us,

a couple whose monstrosity I was slowly guessing.

Not a moral monstrosity, I don't care about morals,

but a monstrosity in my eyes:

The way my mother was slowly devouring me.

Because of me, she didn't have a life since she was 27.

This is what I see in those photos,

when she was young and I kept her from living.

That kiss of an American soldier was her last moment of happiness.

I remember once, a man came for a visit, our neighbour.

I didn't think him very handsome.

But I was very friendly.

I wanted him to come again,

that my mother and him would live together.

Only, after the meal

the neighbour went back to his apartment and hanged himself.

It's the truth.

Two days later, the police broke open his door and took down his body.

I thought of a malediction.

I hadn't looked at those photos in a long time.

But now I find them so obvious.

I was my mother's lover.

I mean, I was her ideal lover.

The one she nourished, that wasn't me but him, Douglas.

The one she brought up, not me but Doug.

The one she pressed her arms around, at night, when I felt afraid,

not me but him, her love.

She always told me I had his eyes, his mouth, his front.

That gesture, he had that too.

That habit, whom did you get it from? Certainly not from me.

So from him, maman?

From him, that's right.

Who else?

What I see in those photos, I'm the only one capable of noticing:

it's my absent father

to whom my mother has never stopped speaking,

to whom she speaks through me.

When I'll meet my father, if I can find him,

I'll discover not only the one who has spoilt the life of that woman,

but the one who's made me indistinct,

blurred, like fog.

You may close them

and make three wishes in your mind.

It's ok, it's done.

Ok, you may open your eyes.

And you speak out your first name three times.

Stephane Stephane Stephane

Ok.

One thing: You can tell me everything but don't tell me I'm gonna die soon.

What I'll do, whatever I'll predict, bad or good, that's what I will tell you.

Whatever the card shows, it's not what I wanna tell you, it's what I see.

But lie to me if you have to lie.

Ok.

The past six months to a year,

your cards showing me

you've not been much happy.

You've been smiling in face

but your heart-mind is disrupted.

Which means, you smile here, very sad here.

But you still carry that pain, you're not letting it go.

I don't know, I try to let go.

It's difficult, because it's like

d�j�-vu, reincarnation,

it comes back to you, it's like flashes.

But there's something more, in your mind, that you wish to do.

But you're not sure how to go about that.

What is this to you? Your work? Your family?

Private business?

Can you call it anything like that?

Well, there's a lot of things about what I'm not sure if I want to do it or not.

You worry about death a lot. Why do you worry about death?

About what? About ...

Death. Dying. Falling far back behind, or dying or ...

I don't know, because I don't know what there is after dying.

They say after death comes Heaven and Kingdom, which is true.

But sometimes you feel like a lost soul.

Show me your palms.

Place them down for me.

Well your palm is predicting a search.

You've been searching for somebody.

Not recently though.

I see the past three years, you mind's been going into a deep search.

- You understand? - Yeah.

But that's the trouble that you have searching for this person.

But you put a lot of time and effort

in finding this person which I know was very difficult for you.

But this person

and you do need to finally meet up and do what has to be done.

Time is running out for both of you.

- Do you understand me? - Yeah.

Something on your mind you want to ask me? I want you to feel free to ask me.

Whatever you like.

Well, if I find this person I'm looking for,

How will it be? Will he accept me or not?

The swords are coming up.

Which ... it might be a little battle.

It might be a little fight, a little effort.

But you have to see when that time comes,

when you do meet up with this person.

But since the Two of Swords shows up,

it's gonna be a little battle there.

But you have to work with it.

Being in New York doesn't make my father appear.

I knew that there'd be nothing here.

I wanted to pay homage to my childish dreams

in the city where I'd made him breathe occasionally.

Or was it a respite I was looking for?

Like a last stop before the final jump.

We're going to Washington D.C.

The filming proceeds so-so,

in a manner globally messy and disorganized.

I certainly miss my den back home.

He'd been sent to Vietnam.

He'd died in battle.

His body had remained in Asia.

I had gotten rid of him.

So what that I never met him!

I'd lost nothing.

Anyway, he'd died right after my birth, even before that.

Yes, maybe I was his posthumous son.

Thus I had nothing to regret.

I've undertaken to search for my father, but not in reality.

I searched for him in those Vietnam photos,

among all those wounded bodies,

all those faces contorted by pain.

Those photos had a dreadful effect on me.

Somebody, without knowing, had perhaps taken a photo of my father's face before he died.

And that photo is circulating.

Thousands of people have seen it

and I don't know that it's his face

because I doubt if can recognize him,

even if I resemble him as my mother sometimes claims.

But I know I mustn't believe my mother.

I know that she's totally wrong about him.

My father was a young man of 21 who would have invented anything to get that French girl laid.

And later, I'm sure that he went back to the barracks,

proud of having fucked, and telling to his buddies how he seduced her and how he went about fucking her.

I'm sure he told obscenities of that sort:

"if you'd seen the way I made her scream"

He was 21.

He surely must have been bragging.

And I think he's the same today,

except that he doesn't remember who was that woman who made him shine in the eyes of the other G.I.'s.

He left the army.

He became a farmer in the Mid-West where his parents were living,

grown fat from all those hamburgers,

reddish with chiseled features,

racist, fervent Christian,

homophobic, obviously.

Because of this, I sometimes hesitate to search for him,

and maybe, if I find him, I won't speak to him.

NATIONAL ARCHIVES Washington D.C.

Because I see South Ruislip, England.

It doesn't seem to be in France

I mean, it's talking about them leaving.

I have some others in France, so maybe we can just look at it.

So we'll see a little about "barracks" here.

I saw it's written "barracks" and that's what I was thinking about.

But it may in fact be

in England rather than France.

In fact, it's when they leave France.

It must be in 1966 or 1967.

Maybe we have to move to part two.

That's it.

AFN FRANCE

This is the network of the American Forces

We're in Orl�ans and this broadcast station covers, along with the Frankfurt station on which it depends,

all regions of France where American bases are stationed.

In Orl�ans that are located the headquarters of this vast organism

about to disappear following the disengagement of France in the NATO

First, some figures:

14 bases, 40 depots of material,

an oil pipeline traversing France,

26.000 military personnel.

Reality must take the place of the dream.

Has the site been cleared now?

Deforested? Where my father awaits me?

Has my path led me somewhere? Made a clearing in somewhere?

Is there a man, even if he's dead,

decomposed,

to take me into his arms and give me back to the world?

Has the moment arrived now?

There you are.

I'll make a film to end my inner cinema

and live in the present.

Vietnam Veterans Memorial

He isn't dead.

Anyway, not in here.

Hi. What can I do for you today?

I'd like to rent a car, you know.

For a long trip, because I want to leave from here, Washington D.C., and I want to go to Tennessee,

and I want to go by Virginia, North Carolina, Appalachians.

So I want a good car, also a cheap one.

Because I don't have a lot of money.

Where is the ...

In there? Ok.

It's in park now.

How does it work? I have to put it ...

You start it up.

And after you start it, you put it into drive.

There is neutral, drive and rear.

- park, reverse, neutral - It's the same like in Europe? - Yeah.

Just the same.

Just "on the tree" it's what it's called

Ok. And it's here. Ok.

I'm just trying to ...

You've put on the brake.

Keep throwing the break.

I'm accustomed with this one ...

With the stick shift?

Make sure it's in park.

But it's not, I can't ...

You can put your foot on the brake.

Where is the break?

For the lights, I'll ...

This for the parking lights.

And this will be the regular beams.

For high beams ...

Just back and forth.

When you have it on high beam there'll be a blue light on the dash.

And for the ...

Directions?

What does it mean, "low lights" here?

The low is just for the dashboard.

If you want the lights on the dash to be bright, turn it all the way up,

or all the way down.

So I think ...

The air conditioning and the heat is right there.

How does it work?

This is your copy.

Make sure you keep this when you're driving.

And the registration is in the glove box.

All right? Thank you.

- Good bye. - Nice to see you.

Use your seat belt.

I will.

- Can you do this for me? - Sure.

Being filmed is more trying than I'd have thought.

It locks me in.

I feel like an animal, trapped in the frame.

It keeps me from travelling the way I like.

Letting the others pass,

leaving everything to chance,

making myself invisible.

On the other hand, as Sebastien just remarked,

I'm not supposed to be on a holiday trip.

I'm here to find my father,

even if I have to walk backwards.

# nobody loves you like I do

# nobody loves you

# like I do

# j'ai fait tout, j'ai fait tout

# j'ai fait tout

# j'ai fait tout, j'ai fait tout

# ce que j'ai pu

# j'ai fait tout, j'ai fait tout

# ce que j'ai pu

# I have seen some trouble

# been around the way

# Rode the streetcar of desire and I paid

# and if you want a witness

# I will testify

# to what I saw through a wandering eye

# 'Cause nobody loves you like I do

# nobody loves you like I do

# nobody loves you like I do

# nobody loves you like

# got burned by Jezebel

# You can always draw water from my well

# 'Cause nobody loves you like I do

# nobody loves you like I do

# nobody loves you like I do

# nobody loves you like I do

# j'ai fait tout, j'ai fait tout, j'ai fait tout

# I will give everything I am to you

# j'ai fait tout, j'ai fait tout, you know it's true

# j'ai fait tout, j'ai fait tout, j'ai fait tout [Emmylou Harris "J'ai fait tout"]

# You can go and leave me

# but you'll come back for more

# I know where all your old secrets are stored

# my history is written

# my heart is still pure

The motel in One-Oak has immense windows that look out to an external gangway.

Anybody passing by can see everything.

I leave the curtains open, I don't protect my privacy.

I live in a showcase for anybody.

I realize that this is partly exhibitionism,

but there's an even greater exhibitionism to let oneself be filmed,

and of narcissism and what else.

Only, exhibitionism isn't like I imagined it.

It's not only about auto-satisfaction, but also a call.

If I make the movie crew and you, the audience, witnesses of my research,

it's not because I think it's particularly interesting,

captivating to justify this display.

It's just that living in public makes me realize that I also live in private.

An assurance against nothingness,

a proof.

# sometimes I feel like a motherless child

# sometimes I feel like a motherless child

# sometimes I feel like a motherless child

# a long way ... [Odetta]

It seems like a nightmare. # from home

I immerse myself in America.

A clean nightmare, sanitized, without apparent violence.

A nightmare of houses painted and repainted.

Mown lawns, pruned trees,

speed limits,

identical cities, girded with motels and supermarkets, always the same,

a photo-copied world.

If I'm sensitive only to the worst face of this country,

it's because I'm afraid beneath it will appear the contours of another face.

There's only nature occasionally

gentle and multi-coloured, to reconcile myself with it.

The car is not absolutely out of order?

No.

We can fix it pretty good.

# a long way from home

# true believer

Looking for my father, as if it leaves me cold,

as if it doesn't offer me any joy,

no anguish, no excitement.

And it's true, at the moment, searching for my father leaves me almost indifferent.

It's too late, the damage is done.

I had been abandoned and nothing can replace that essential loss.

I'll find him and I'll say, oh well, that's all there is to it.

That man is my father.

Big deal!

He's too small for the immense absence he left me with.

- Where are you exactly? - I'm in Tennessee, in a city called Knoxville.

I don't know if you've heard of it. Did you ever go there?

- No. - There you are.

So ... well ...

I'll leave for Churchill now.

That's why I called you because in fact

I lost the phone number.

But I have the address, it's

Churchill Road 3, right?

But I don't have the house no., do you have it?

- No. - You don't have it?

No. - No. - No.

Never mind.

You don't have any no.?

- No. - Very well

I'll do without it, then.

I'll ask around, I'll find him.

You do as you see fit

It was just "road 3"?

Wait, I think so but I'm not sure.

How are you, by the way?

While you're searching ...

Wait, I don't have my... (glasses) I don't think I have more info ....

I've found them now (her glasses)

No, that's all I have.

Never mind, I'll manage.

I'm asking myself why I agreed to make this film.

I'm less and less cooperative.

One would think that this kind of search is interesting, but not at all.

Sebastien is dying to have a father himself, a real father,

a father who would have loved him, wanted him.

He can deny the whole thing and say that, as to him, everything is finished and done with on that subject, but it's not true.

In fact, it's Sebastien who's searching for my father.

I only accompany him.

Why did you talk about several hypotheses regarding your father.

Because I have several ideas,

several alternatives

of reactions, when I see him.

So, you see. And there are even several kinds of feelings I have,

not only towards him, but also towards the idea of having a father.

I'm not sure I like the idea of having a father.

I'm not sure of that.

Then why are we undertaking this trip?

Because after all, I'd like to see him,

without necessarily starting a relationship with him.

Just to see his face.

Earlier you told me something shocking.

You told me that if you father were living in a trailer,

you'd refuse to see him.

- Why? - I'll give you the same answer:

It wouldn't interest me that much

if it would be like that.

Why not?

Because it would seem to me that we have nothing in common.

I'm ready to admit that my human intelligence,

meaning being aware of other's feelings etc., is about zero.

So I don't see very well how I could talk to him.

And I don't see very well what we could share.

And the fact that he's my father, well...

He himself wasn't very conscious of this when he engendered me.

It's something that happened purely by accident.

So what will you do when you meet him eye to eye?

I have no idea.

I have no idea. I'll check out first who he is, I'll check out

if it makes any sense to tell him or not,

if it makes any sense for him, if it makes any sense for me.

But you can't play question and answer beforehand!

I can certainly play at giving an answer.

But you'll have to take a risk.

Yes, but it's not a risk I'm willing to take.

If I think the risk is too great ...

I won't take it.

But why not get as close to him as possible, that's also a risk ...

it's like a story of ... as if I were in enemy territory

and I must advance as far as possible without being seen.

It can be like that, and at a certain moment I decide to come out in the open

and show myself.

I think it's not this way, we'll have to go back.

Where do you think it is?

We must go back, it's on the other side.

What do you think?

It's not ugly.

It's not ugly.

Not this way.

- Isn't it here? - No.

Everybody here has a street with a name.

The only way I could tell you, is to go right down there to the post office.

You see that brick building right down there?

They might be able to tell you there, but I don't have any idea.

They used to be, but for about two years now we all have numbers and roads ...

Ok. Thank you.

United States Post Office Church Hill Tennessee

Well?

He wasn't in.

In fact, the guy was a truck driver

and he hasn't seen him for several days. He doesn't really know.

In fact, he thinks he left with his truck.

That's it.

So I don't know, it seems he's all alone, on top of it.

The neighbour told you all this?

The guy over there.

The one mowing the lawn.

I don't know, shall we go to the other address?

It's behind it.

You'll laugh but I couldn't get through, there were three dogs blocking the road.

They're in the middle of the street, they bare their teeth.

I'm terrified by dogs I can't walk past them.

Come on, Steph, you have to go.

No, you can't make me walk past dogs.

So what'll we do?

I don't know. Let's go by car.

We won't be discreet if we park in front of the house.

I can't walk pass those dogs, three dogs threatening me.

As a child I got bitten by a dog.

I can't.

Very well. Let's go.

Could you see if there were people there?

No, I couldn't go up to their place.

The dogs were blocking my passage.

Well, let's go.

Where are those terrible dogs?

They're no longer here because they only attack pedestrians, not cars.

Since we're in a country of disabled persons ...

It's there, isn't it?

After all, we're not going to park the car right in front!

He was there.

He had a dog too.

But he checked him.

And he doesn't know a Douglas Rhea around here.

There are Garys, but in Churchill he doesn't know any.

There are Garys, there are ...

I don't remember, Bill ...

Another neighbour is called Rhea too, but

it's RAY, so it's not him.

So he doesn't know any Douglas.

In Churchill, he doesn't know any.

He told me there might be one in

a backwater called ...

a city right next ...

a small town ...

Perhaps there's one Rhea there, he wasn't sure, but perhaps there lives one.

Besides that, he doesn't know any.

But I'm not sure if he wasn't lying, because he gave me strange looks, as if I were a bit paranoid.

On top of it, he wore a cap "U.S. Secret Service".

- No! - He did.

So it's possible that he sweet-talked me.

- and now he's going to call ... - the Secret Service

or I don't know who.

Oh well, maybe I am paranoid.

I don't know, maybe we could go to ...

check the next town.

In the nearby county

and then ...

I don't know.

It's the only lead we have anyway.

Maybe the municipality?

You remember the name of the nearby city?

Could you spot it on a map?

I think I'll find it, it ends with "ville".

I don't know that city, but the name has "ville" in it.

In fact I don't know if it is

Surmoinville or Swastriggerville.

I understood a name with "ville" but he had such a strong accent.

He had to repeat everything twice.

Say it in English, let me hear it.

In English, it's me who has the accent.

Surgoinsville?

Stryville

So it's perhaps Surgoinsville

rather ...

We must get hold of the directory of ...

Surgoinsville, right?

Obviously.

Next things to do ...

What state and city?

Tennessee, Hawkins county.

Thank you. What listing please?

We're sorry, our system did not understand.

Please say the listing.

Rhea.

Please wait while the operator looks for that number.

What city, sir?

I don't know the city, but I know it's in Hawkins county, in Tennessee.

I need a city please.

You need a city?

So I give you one,

I don't know if it is a good one.

It's Surgoinsville.

- Surgoinsville. - Yeah, that's it.

What were you looking for?

The phone no. and the address of

one whose name is Douglas Rhea.

RHEA

Douglas?

On Main Street?

Yeah.

7224 Main Street.

Here's your number, ok?

- Ok - Thank you.

the number is ...

3454234320

and it can be automatically dialed for an additional charge of 30 cents, by pressing 1.

the number is ...

3454234320

There is one

in Surgoinsville

whose name is Douglas Rhea.

So all I have to do now is go and see him.

With ketchup or salt, sir?

- Sorry? - Ketchup or salt?

No, it's ok.

Your change.

Your drink.

Here you go. Thank you and have a nice night.

Surgoinsville

There it is.

I'll stop the car a bit further down the road.

Three hounds.

- Is it over there? - No, further behind.

I'll stop in front?

No, but what we'll do is this:

We'll meet again in the parking area later, let's not stay here.

Alright, but which parking area?

The one at the hotel.

Alright.

Ok

- You're ok? - Yes.

Can you pass me my folder?

See you later.

So?

Well, it was him.

As you can imagine considering the time spent there.

How do you mean, it was him?

I can't remember how to lock this door.

Well, it was him.

I mean, I suppose

it was him.

There you are.

How did things go?

I opened, no, I rang the bell.

His wife opened.

So I got mixed up in explanations:

that I know somebody who knew this person ...

I wanted to bring greetings etc.

and ...

she didn't believe me, so she wanted to know if ...

well, why. Still, she called for him.

I thought at first she wouldn't call him at all.

So I told him

that I knew somebody who wanted to say hello to him.

Then I said, maybe we could take a walk in the garden.

At first he didn't want to, and then

he asked me the name of that person, and when I said she was a woman, he agreed at once.

So I think at that moment he must have understood something.

Do you think he understood as soon as he saw you?

I don't know.

What his wife said later,

that she, as soon as she saw me, she told herself something,

meaning, as soon as she saw me, she told herself, this is strange,

there is, I don't know, something of a resemblance

which made her ...

There you are.

Anyway, that's what she told me,

or rather, that's what she told him and what I understood.

What exactly did you tell him?

Whom?

To your father.

I asked him if he knew a woman

whose name was Micheline,

and he said, yes.

Then I said, when you left she was pregnant, so

so here I am, I'm her son.

- You said that? - I said I was that woman's son and therefore his son.

What made you tell him?

Because this morning you hadn't made up your mind.

I had started so awkwardly and got so entangled with all my explanations and excuses

that I had no other choice really.

I mean, what I said first didn't hold water at all, so

if I wanted to have a minimum of a relationship with him, I had to tell him the truth.

Otherwise he wouldn't have believed me.

On top of it I had the impression that he felt something.

So I told myself,

I told myself, there you are.

Another determining factor was that I recognized him when he opened the door,

and it was quite ...

a kind of appeal to tell him, because I recognized him.

Actually

when he appeared in the door, I told myself that's him, I'm sure.

There you are.

Does he look a lot like you?

I don't know if he looks a lot like me, it's hard to say, but

I recognized parts of my face

in his face.

How does he look, by the way?

Indescribable

I have a photo, but ...

I don't know, he's tall,

has a belly, but he's not fat!

There you are, I don't know exactly how to describe him.

He has very long ears,

much longer than mine

and ...

There you are. He has blue eyes, like mine.

That's about it.

I don't really know how to describe him, it's difficult to describe him.

What about her?

A fat little woman

who showed some likeness with ....

no, nothing.

Go ahead!

No, I was going to say something stupid.

She reminded me of my mother, her height and everything,

a bit of her silhouette.

Since everybody always likes the same type, so ...

there you are.

But we haven't really talked much, because I didn't really know what to say

and he didn't really know what to say

and his wife was around us a like a busybody,

so there you are.

I think that he accepted and believed at once that I told the truth.

Do you think he was happy about it?

I don't know.

Really, I don't know.

I don't think it made him furious.

I don't think he felt sad. As to him feeling happy ...

I wouldn't bet on it.

It bothered him a bit, after all.

There you are.

His wife was more annoyed.

so ...

it was always she who demanded extra evidence, proof ...

Did he recognize your mother on the photos?

Yes.

well, he ...

he didn't deny at all.

So he hadn't forgotten?

I don't know if he'd forgotten, but

he remembered.

How did it affect him when he remembered?

I have no idea.

How did he react when he saw the photos?

He said, yes, that's her,

I recognize her.

And he said that he didn't know she was pregnant when he left.

So there you are.

Whom should I believe now?

Actually, I don't really care.

So after all, it all went quite well?

It went well, yes.

I.it went well.

So, are you content, not content?

I'm content and ...

relieved ...

At the same time, I'm asking myself if this will really change anything now.

Were you able to talk more with him?

With him?

No, I couldn't really talk with him because his wife was around all the time.

But do you feel like talking more with him, now?

I don't know.

How did you two part?

- How what? - How did you two part?

He shook my hand and that was it.

He told me that I could come back and visit them whenever I like,

that I could write etc.

You didn't tell him where we are staying?

Yes I told him

where we were staying, and he said he'd call me, but ...

I don't really think he will

and ...

There you are.

Do you want us to go back here?

Certainly not!

I made the first step.

Now it's up to him.

Tell me, when we were in the parking area right now,

your father drove away.

You told me earlier you didn't think he'd come, you didn't think he'd call.

I was wrong.

So what happened?

I went to his home.

- He took you to his home? - Yes

His whole family was there?

No, there was his wife, his daughter

and his wife's husband, I mean his daughter's husband.

I feel a bit tired.

The day has been strenuous.

What?

The day has been strenuous.

What happened over there?

We talked.

Well, the basics.

Who did what in his life ...

where everybody came from, etc.

His daughter got recently married, so

she told us about her trip after the wedding,

her honeymoon.

No, it was ...

it went well.

Do you think they all accepted you as his son?

Was it evident for them too?

It seemed to be evident for them, yes.

More evident for them than for me, actually.

But it seemed to be pretty evident.

- Hallo? - Hallo, Stephane speaking.

Yeah, this is ...

Douglas Mac Arthur Rhea

How are you?

Alright. You're alright?

I'm alright too.

Do you have any free time this evening?

- Sorry? - Pardon me?

I didn't understand what you said.

I said, are you liable to have spare time this evening?

But we have a lot of work, so ...

as I told you yesterday I think I won't be able to come tonight.

Because I will have to work.

After the sun set down.

Till 11 or midnight, something like that.

So I won't be able to come, but

I will come tomorrow if it is possible.

Do you think it is possible?

Yes, yes.

Are you gonna call me or ...

Tomorrow?

As you like it.

I'm coming around 6 p.m.

Tomorrow? - Tomorrow morning ... tomorrow afternoon. At 6 p.m.

6 p.m.?

It's ok for you?

You want me to come and get you?

Well, I can come with my own car.

It's as you like, in fact.

I can come and get you if you like.

Because I don't know where I will be at that time.

So I think it will be easier for me to come with my own car.

You'll come to my house at 6 p.m. tomorrow.

- Hallo? - Hallo.

It's Stephane.

How are you?

- Fine. You? - Fine.

Same as you.

How are you doing?

- I'm fine. - You're fine?

- It's nice to ask me. - Isn't it

Listen, I went there ...

- Are you alone right now? - I am.

So I went there and I saw him.

And?

and it went very well

- You told him who you are? - Of course.

He didn't know who I was but he guessed very quickly.

He did?

I mentioned your name and ...

There you are.

He remembered and knew the implication.

He did?

When I said "she was pregnant" ...

When I said "she was pregnant" ...

he understood at once, I could see it in his eyes.

So I told him. There you are.

Very well.

- And he believed me very quickly. - Really?

His wife less quickly.

You told his wife?

I didn't but he did.

I see.

So there you are.

She was a bit more reluctant.

Obviously.

But later he must have told her, because when I left

and went back to my hotel, he must have told her,

and he came to see me

at the hotel.

There you are.

How is he?

I'll show you a photo.

You showed him a photo of me?

Yes.

But he remembered you after all.

- He remembered me? - Of course.

Wait, the shock just knocked me over.

Do sit down.

I don't know all this feels so weird to me.

Now he remembered you, he told me you had three sisters.

Really?

So there you are.

Was he happy to see you?

I think he was happy, yes.

Has he other children?

Yes, two.

A girl and a boy.

Really?

so ...

Where are you right now?

I'm in Kingsport in Tennessee,

not very far from Surgoinsville.

Will you see him again?

I'll have dinner tonight at his place.

Anyway, I'll leave tomorrow morning, so

I'll see him again tomorrow morning and then I don't know ...

Probably I'll come back, but ...

What I'm certain of, is that I don't want my mother to see this film.

And most of all, I don't want my "quote" "father",

because there's a difference between a genetic father and a psychological father, it's not the same,

at the moment I don't consider him as my father,

psychologically, he doesn't have that role,

I don't want him to see the film either.

Why not?

Because I think they're not ...

I think my exhibitionism ...

they wouldn't like it.

They'd find it ...

vulgar ...

scandalous ...

immoral, whatever ...

That it would shock them.

And all things considered, I don't want to shock them.

Shocking them, that would mean,

renounce their love, in a way,

and I don't want that to happen.

In a way my mother counts as much, in this story, in this research, as myself,

I've always identified very strongly with my mother, it's not for nothing that I am gay,

and this gesture, I'm doing it also for my mother.

For me it counted as much to do it for my mother than to do it for myself,

because I knew that this was what my mother wanted.

And I know that I'm fulfilling partly my mother's wish.

And this too ...

disturbs me, and what disturbs me even more ...

I'm really afraid of meeting my mother

when I get back, what shall I tell her, what mustn't I tell her ...

etc.

that ...

torments me.

You think he's still attached to her?

That's what he told me, but I don't know if I believe him or not.

It's a bit complicated, I don't know if ...

of course in his position he was trying to exculpate himself all the time.

He told me so, but he was feeling emotional when he said it.

Do you feel ashamed about this film?

No I don't feel ashamed.

I don't feel ashamed about the film.

I don't feel ashamed regarding myself,

but I ...

I think I'm not too comfortable about this movie with my mother

and my father.

# Little Jimmy's gone

# way out of the backstreet

# out of the window

# through the fallin' rain

# right on time

# right on time

# that's why Broken Arrow

Are you tired? # Waved his finger down the road so dark and narrow

a bit, those winding roads are a bother # in the evenin'

# Just before the Sunday six-bells chime

with people driving super-fast # Just before the Sunday six-bells chime

# And all the dogs are barkin'

What about you? Are you tired? # Way on down the diamond-studded highway where you wander

# And you roam from your retreat and view

Are you happy to have found my father?

# Way over on the railroad

# Tomorrow all the tippin' trucks will unload together

# Every scrapbook stuck with glue

# And I'll stand beside you

# Beside you child

# To never never never wonder why at all

# No no no no no no no no

special thanks to Micheline Besacier # To never never wonder why at all

special thanks to Douglas Mac Arthur Rhea # To never never never wonder why it's gotta be

# it has to be

# Way across the country where the hillside mountain glide

# The dynamo of your smile caressed the barefoot virgin child to wander

# Past your window with the lantern lit

# You held it in the doorway and you cast against the pointed island breeze

# Said your time was open, go away along your merry way

# Past the brazen footsteps of the silence easy

# You breathe in, you breathe out You breathe in, you breathe out

# And you're high on your high-flying cloud [Van Morrison: Beside You]

Engl. subtitles: serdar202 & aloysius @KG 2019