Original subtitles

What's so funny, Dad?

I'm just re-reading the story of Pandora.

It always lightens my day.

You're laughing at the story of Pandora

opening a box and releasing all the evil into the world?

Well, that's the human version.

As we monsters tell it,

she released all the fun into the world.

We call it "Pandora's Party Box."

Did you hear? King Sargon's been assassinated!

I read all about it.

They say it took five whacks of the axe

to get his head fully off.

Talk about a comedy of errors. Ha ha!

Heh! That is pretty funny.

No, it isn't. Oh, come on.

Assassination has got to be the funniest way to take a city.

You just kill one guy? It's ridiculous.

You gotta admire the efficiency of it, though.

Whether it's funny or efficient is not the point.

The point is there are kings being assassinated,

and I could be next.

Ha ha.

And just double-checking, we're laughing because...?

You have nothing to worry about.

You're simply not important enough to assassinate.

What?

I'm not trying to be cruel, just honest.

You're not on anyone's target list.

Ty, if it'll make you feel better,

I'll whip up some armor you can wear.

Thank you!

And I'll put a couple of guys on ya.

Well, if we're putting guys on people,

how about we say my life is in danger, too?

No one acknowledge him.

Well! See you all at dinner.

So what is this theory of yours?

All right, check this out.

What is the main cause of death in the world?

You? Thank you but no.

I'm currently the third leading cause.

Childbirth? That's number two,

and it haunts me every day that I'll never catch up.

OK, so what's number one?

It's so simple, you're gonna hate yourself.

Are you ready? Loss of movement.

Hmm. That's dumb.

Every smart thing started out dumb.

That's dumb. Indulge me.

If my theory is correct, all we have to do is

get this chicken moving exactly like it did when it was alive.

OK, sure, let's test that.

♪ La la la la ♪

♪ I'm a chicken, I'm alive now ♪

♪ Ba-Bawk, I'm layin' eggs! ♪

You're doin' it wrong. They never sing.

Stupe, you gave me your two worst guys. No offense.

Who's talking?

Hey, they served me well,

and I wanted to give them a cushy assignment.

I am not a cushy assignment!

And, Hippo, where is my armor?

I didn't get to it.

Stupe sucked me into this dumb experiment.

I'm doing science!

Right, like when you threw all our cattle

off a cliff?

Now we know they can't fly.

We knew that before!

Now we know how much they can't fly.

You're sitting here arguing

while your brother is facing a very real threat.

Ha! The one thing we agree on,

is, no, you aren't.

You're both going to regret this

when I'm lying dead at the hand of a ruthless assassin.

♪ I'm a chicken-- ♪

OK, so my sources tell me you're a ruthless assassin?

I take issue with "ruthless,"

but, yeah, I assassinate people. Who do you want offed?

Me.

This almost seems too easy.

But here's the catch.

I need you to attempt an assassination on me

that narrowly misses. Oh, I can't do that.

I'm known as the guy who can't miss.

And also, apparently, ruthless.

Just tell me who said that. It won't get back to them.

Couldn't you just shoot me in the shoulder?

Really? So then what am I gonna be known as?

Some guy who can't miss shoulders? Ha! No.

Wait. Who can I hire for a near-assassination?

You're perfect.

So you want me to shoot at you and miss you?

Yes, thus proving to my family

that I am indeed worth assassinating.

Oh, this is one of those things you make me do

to make you look better? Yes.

Like when I killed all those adult pigs

and let you carry them into town like they were yours.

Very similar, yes.

Or when I had to tell everyone

that I ate all the pineapples.

If you're trying to say something about

our relationship, Scott, I'm not ready to hear it.

Got it. So how do we do this?

Well, it needs to be public,

so we'll stage it in the marketplace.

I'll make my presence known.

Hello, citizens! Great to be alive, isn't it?

Every day's a gift.

Tyrannis, voice-over: You'll be on a balcony

hiding inside a barrel. Got it.

Then all I need to do is make sure

my whole family is there to see it.

Ah, Stupendous, what brings you here this fine day?

Got this thing advertisin'

an entire bucket of falafel for just two chickens.

I've never spent less food to get more food.

You here for the Falafel Deal?

Ha! You know it.

Ours is for the orgy afterwards.

I've heard it'll be a real greaser.

Tyrannis, voice-over: Once everyone's there,

I'll get into position and give you the signal.

I'm not hungry, so I'll go up here

to get some sun.

It's such a relief not to have to worry

about being assassinated!

Aah!

Oof! Where am I?

Where are you? More like, what are you?

Dead. You're dead.

Whoo!

OK, everybody, getting a little bit of a late start

here, but that's all right.

Welcome to Hades, everyone. I'm Hades, King of Hades.

It's a place and a name.

Everyone go ahead and make your jokes about

"being in Hades" right now.

All right, I'll answer everyone's first two questions:

No, you're not here by mistake, and, no, you can't leave, OK?

I don't care if you have "unfinished business."

Around here we call that being dead.

All right, dorms are that way. Grab a bedroll.

And I can't do anything about the heat.

It's just stuck that way.

Hades, I need your help.

I'm not supposed to be here.

Well, did you not just hear my whole thing?

Dead means dead.

But my death really was a mistake.

I hired someone to attempt an assassination,

and he was supposed to fail, but he accidentally killed me.

What?!

Oh, my god. That's a new one.

Hey, Sisyphus, this guy tried to fake his own assassination

and ended up dead!

Holy crap! That is hilarious.

Well, no, don't stop rolling the boulder up the hill.

I wasn't stopping. I'm sorry.

It looked like you were stopping.

I just wanted to share that with you.

I mean, you're still being punished for eternity.

Good guy. Hard worker.

So, you really tried to almost get assassinated?

I needed to prove to my family

that I'm important enough to kill.

Well, mission accomplished!

Yes, but I need to go up and rub it in their faces.

As it is now, I don't get to see their very real tears

and get their very real apologies,

which was the entire point.

Ty, no! Don't leave us, son!

I can't believe he's dead!

Oh, why didn't I listen to him?

I bet it's awesome.

I mean, I get the instinct.

I'm as petty as they come. So let me have this.

Isn't there something I could do for you in return?

If you're offering sexual favors,

my dance card is full. I've got a girlfriend.

And before you say anything, no, she's not here right now,

but that doesn't mean she's not real.

Her name is Persephone.

I wasn't gonna say anything.

You looked like you were gonna say something.

You had that look. I wasn't.

Everyone's like, "What's up with your girlfriend?

Are you guys broken up?" I don't know!

She told me she needs space.

Hey, Sisyphus, what do they mean when they say they need space?

Sis? Hey, Sis. Oh, he's working.

You know, I'll tell you what I think it means.

She wants me to fight for it.

Are you sure she

doesn't just want to be left alone?

What? Are you kidding? Come on.

Every love story, the girl never wants to be left alone.

That's true.

And love stories would not lie about that.

She wants me to come running.

But I don't know where she is.

She didn't even tell you where she's going?

Yeah, she's going to some secluded place her family has.

Hmm. I might be able to help you find her

if you'd send me back up.

And how would you do that?

My mother hates Persephone's family,

which means she's obsessed with them.

She'd know exactly where their secret spot is.

Interesting.

I can't have anyone know that I let you out, though.

You'll have to lie to your family.

Is that cool or...?

Let me think: deceive the people

who literally laughed at the, it turns out,

very real danger of me being assassinated

in order to reunite two people who were meant for each other?

No, it's not going to be a problem.

I think it should be fine. Yeah.

I can save him! I can save him! Come on, Ty!

"Hi. I'm Tyrannis. I'm your king."

No, it's more like: "My tummy hurts.

I think I've got a splinter."

Oh, my god. You really did it!

Ha! I knew it would work!

You cured death! Yes.

Stupe cured death, and that's how I came back

from my assassination.

This is strange. I'm feeling... feelings.

You are? Feelings like love?

Well, whatever it is, I don't care for it.

I was scared to death when you were dead.

Ty, I gotta say, I should have believed you.

Same here. I-it just didn't seem plausible.

And yet it was. But I don't need apologies.

I'm just glad the nightmare scenario that I had predicted

and you all doubted has been avoided.

Glad to have you back, little bro.

Same. This hit me harder than I thought.

Coming in hot for an emotional hug.

We're all doing emotional, we're not doing sexual,

is that right? Good.

Gosh. I didn't know it would take

an assassination attempt to find out

your very real feelings towards me.

That is an unexpected consequence.

Mom, I know you want to hug me.

I don't know what I want.

Is that what I'm feeling? It is.

How does one--Oh. Sorry. This is new for me.

There you go. Lean into it.

Sometimes I've seen mothers do a gentle kiss on the forehead.

Mm...

Have I done it yet? No.

Well, just pretend I have.

Welcome back, King Ty. So glad you're here.

Back from the dead, huh?

Can't kill me that easily.

Good to have you back, sir.

Good to be back.

Palace worker: Thank god you're alive, King Tyrannis!

Thank god you're alive, palace worker.

Good morning, family. Where are you off to?

We're gonna find the bastard who did this

and make him pay.

Oh. Is that entirely necessary?

Necessary?

You should be the first person who wants this guy killed.

Or am I the kind of king who forgives and forgets?

He probably feels bad enough as it is.

Oh, we'll make him feel bad.

When we find him, we're gonna torture him and find out

if anyone else was involved.

It could just be a lone archer.

That's my theory, the lone archer theory.

I doubt you'll ever find him. Or her.

My gut tells me it's a woman, probably not from here.

Foreign woman, very shy.

We're finding them and everyone involved.

Hey, don't forget why you're up there.

Yes, I'm about to go talk to her.

This has to be handled delicately.

Handle it however you want.

Feel this? Ow! Ow! Ow!

That's you getting dragged back down here,

so chop-chop.

Hello, son.

If you're here for another hug, I need more time.

The first one nearly killed me.

No, that's fine, that's fine.

These feelings are intense,

the feeling that you must protect your child at all costs

combined with the guilt of feeling deep down inside

that it was your fault for not believing him.

It'd be too much for most mothers to bear.

Hmm, I suppose it would.

So in a way, I'm being incredibly strong right now.

That's a great way to think of it.

Do you know what would make you even stronger?

I mean, I don't want to throw too much at you at once.

No, tell me.

If you devoted yourself to protecting me.

Oh, I intend to.

I am going to keep you here in the palace.

I'm loving the initiative, Mum.

Let's definitely have more of that.

But is there some place even more secure?

Where would you hide a god?

Doesn't Persephone's family have a secluded little spot?

It's a secluded little fortress.

Interesting.

But only gods are allowed in.

Hmm. That's a tough one, isn't it?

But I think the danger to me, which I saw coming

and no one else did, requires bending that rule.

Hmm, it won't be easy.

Neither was getting killed, Mother.

Neither was getting killed.

So, what do you think of King Ty?

I don't know. I could take him or leave him.

Ha! Talk to me more about the "leave him" part.

I guess I don't dislike him, just more like,

I don't care whether he lives or dies,

if that makes sense.

Aha! So you wanted him dead.

Which one is King Ty again? Your king!

He wears a crown!

Oh, that guy. Someone shot him?

Indifferent is the word that comes to mind.

To be honest, this is the most I've ever talked

about King Ty.

Who would shoot King Ty? I mean, who would take the time?

I think about milk more often than I think

about King Ty-- Oh, shoot. We're out of milk.

Hippo, I don't think we're gonna find anyone

with a motive.

Isn't there someone who hated him?

An ex-lover, perhaps?

I know. I just had to ask.

Just let me talk to these people.

I'll get you in here.

What is this place?

The goddess Deliria requests entrance to the cave!

Hey, hey! What is going on here?

You brought a mortal to the Caves of Aetolia?

Yes, King Tyrannis needs protection.

Someone tried to kill him, and far more importantly,

I'm having uncomfortable feelings about it.

What kind of feelings?

Basically she cares far more about me

than she realized,

a fact that would never have been revealed

had I not been assassinated. Do I have that right, Mum?

Whoa. That sounds super awkward

and a good reminder

why you shouldn't form an emotional bond with anybody,

but I still can't let him in here.

Broseidon... please.

I'm sorry, what?!

Did I hear a "please" out of Deliria?

Oh, come on. Just do me this favor.

Well, well, well. Deliria needs a favor.

Wonder what she'd be willing to do for it.

Oh, don't play games with me. Just let us in.

My son needs protection.

Well, you know how to ask.

All you have to do is perform the Ritual of Favor.

Hey, Persephone! Persephone.

Deliria's doing the Ritual of Favor.

She's really doing it?

Wait. What is the Ritual of Favor?

Ugh. Look away.

♪ I ask you, friend, for a favor or a kindness ♪

♪ A courtesy, indulgence, or a boon ♪

♪ I drop to my knees and I kiss your royal hindness ♪

♪ And all the while I sing this little tune ♪

♪ And a kiss and a kiss and a kiss, kiss, kiss ♪

♪ And all the while, I sing this little tune ♪

Do the long version!

Yeah, we're gonna need that long version.

With more choreography, please.

♪ And then the mousie says, "I ask you, fwend..." ♪

OK, Ty was standing here.

Stupe, you and I were there by the falafel stand.

Dad, you and Mom had the best vantage point.

Did you see where the arrow came from?

I'm afraid I was in the afterglow

of our morning frottage.

I could focus on nothing but the waves of pleasure

still coursing through my-- Enough, Dad.

Stamos, John, you were guarding him.

Where were you guys?

I was somewhere standing on the ground.

I know that much.

Stamos, dig deep

into that severely dented skull of yours and think.

Stamos! Did you die again?

Well, let's take stock of what we do know.

We know the arrow was fired by that barrel over there.

Fired by a barrel?

Oh, did you not know that?

How does that make any sense?

I see a lot of stuff that doesn't make sense.

I just go with it.

Wait. Why are we ruling out the barrel?

Maybe a barrel did come to life and shoot Ty.

I've never seen him do anything nice for a barrel.

He's even kicked a few.

I can tell you there's no love lost

between Tyrannis and barrels.

Fine. Why don't we go talk to the barrel?

Amateurs.

Help me.

♪ And all the while I sing this little tune ♪

I can't believe how much of it there was.

Bravo!

The rap break in the middle? Iconic!

We never speak of this. Do you understand?

I will never stop speaking of this.

Oh, this looks lovely.

Gods really know how to hide out in luxury.

Yes, you should be safe here.

I'll leave you for now.

Is this a situation where there would be another hug?

Yes, definitely, and we could try

the forehead kiss again if you're up to it.

Oh. Don't worry, everyone.

This is probably just Hades.

He wanted me to help track you down.

What? Yeah.

He was having trouble finding you, so...

You led Hades here? Oh, is that bad?

Oh!

Gah! Heyoo, best boyfriend in the world,

coming in to show his love, just like in the stories.

That's not what I want.

Yeah, it is. You said you needed space.

That's my cue to fight for us, right?

That's your cue to give me space.

Oh, are you breaking up with me?

No! I need space.

Of co--I get that. But why?

I'm starting to see why.

Hey, is Hades giving you a hard time?

OK, now I see it. Space means you got a sidepiece.

Broseidon resents that accusation.

Broseidon likes Persephone as a friend.

We go hiking together.

I can't believe that you led Hades to me.

It was a deal I had to make. I was dead!

You know Hades can't leave Hades, right?

If he's not down there, the dead start escaping.

Oh, that's a problem.

Dead person: I can do all my unfinished business!

Dead person 2: I'm gonna learn to knit.

Dead person 3: I'm gonna haunt my family.

Dead person 4: I'm taking a shower.

Hang on. Plot twist.

What are you doing here?

I couldn't keep them out.

The horse guy started swinging his tail at me.

We got news about Ty.

That little bastard faked his own assassination.

He what?!

He hired Scott, who screwed up

and killed him by accident. You spilled it?

Great friend, Scott!

This friendship is totally one-sided.

He told us about the weight gain,

the pineapple stealing, the bad haircut,

the donkey thing, the other donkey thing,

and all the farts.

Scott, all of them?

I humiliated myself for you!

Guys, I think the immediate issue is

the army of the dead.

They're coming out of the ground everywhere.

Dead person: I'm hungry.

Dead person 2: You know what I'm hungry for? Brains.

Dead person 1: Same here!

Why all of a sudden am I interested in brains?

Dead person 2: Brains and unfinished business.

So weird. Dead person 3: Business.

Oh, the dead can wait until you and I sort this out.

The only thing that needs sorting out is

Ty humiliating me.

He humiliated me, too.

Made me think I cured death.

He made me think she did, too.

Oh, my god. I'm so stupid!

I stayed sober for our entire investigation mostly,

and for that I will never forgive you.

Let's be clear on this, the jerk move

was inviting my boyfriend here when I said I wanted space.

Look, you all have valid complaints.

But remember when I was dead and how much you loved me

and how good that felt?

It felt horrible.

We are never coming back from this.

No, no, no, no. We can. We can come right back.

Just remember that feeling,

because that's the important part here.

Aah! Hades, you really need to control your dead.

Oh, I'm not controlling any dead until Persephone says

what "I need some space" means.

All of this, I mean all of it is Ty's fault.

Let him fix it.

Stupendous & Hippocampus: Yeah. Agreed.

All right, so Ty's on the dead, then?

I really think the dead are the top priority here.

You know what? I'm pushing back.

You're what? I'm pushing back.

It's pushback time.

And I'm doing the pushing and you're doing the back.

None of this would have happened if you guys had cared about me.

That's why you're all butt-hurt, and that's why the dead are out.

Let historians record the fact that the dead ate everyone

because King Tyrannis' family didn't care about him.

Who said we didn't care about you?

Guys, if we're triaging it,

I think deal with the dead first, then family stuff. Aah!

None of you cared whether I lived or died.

Of course we cared.

All any of us said was that no one wanted to kill you,

which was true.

Ty, we make fun of you relentlessly,

but that doesn't mean we don't care if you live or die.

I know what to do.

Hades, I know a thing or two about being insecure.

Sometimes you wind up listening to your insecurity more

than you do the people in your life

who are literally screaming the answer in your face.

Persephone just wants you to leave her alone,

at least for now.

You know, that makes sense.

Oh! You had to hear it from a man, huh?

I'm sorry. OK. I'm going. I'm going.

You guys wanna just keep the dead?

I'm getting sick of 'em. Just kidding, I'm kidding.

I'll take the dead, of course.

Dead person: I'm never gonna get to try brains?

That's even more unfinished business. Aah!

Dead person 2: Ow.

So, Persephone... No.

So, Persephone...

Guys, I'm sorry. Can you forgive me?

Hmm. That sounds like you're asking for a favor.

And you know how to ask for a favor, don't you?

Is that really necessary?

Bup-bup-bup. Mortal version.

Ah, yes, the mortal version.

Mortal version?

W-why does that sound worse somehow?

Dead person: Little help?

Yeah, can't wait.

Guys, I get it. I messed up.

But me doing this isn't really gonna change anything, is it?

No, it won't. But it's a good start.

I ask you, friend, for a favor or a kindness...

Well, looks like old Ty got himself

in a splickle-bick o' trouble on this one.

But he did a real earnest Ritual of Favor

and his family finally forgave him.

As for Persephone, well, she got the space she was looking for,

did some stuff she'd always wanted to do,

like seeing Australia, and developin' her wine palate.

And she and Hades decided on an arrangement

where she spends half the year up here and half down there.

And that's why we have spring and winter.

She did hook up with a guy in Australia,

but only mouth stuff, so that's nobody's business.

Anyway, I'm your crazy narrator man.

And I'm behind you right now.

Did you look? Look again!

Boo! Hee hee hee!

I'm just kidding.

You can't see me when I'm out there.

All right, now. That's Season Two.

Y'all enjoy the last fourteen seconds of your life.