Original subtitles

Do you see this? Krapopolis is depicted

as one of many tiny warring city-states.

At least they showed us as warring.

My army is basically just me these days.

A ton of my best guys got really into woodworking

and stopped showing up.

Ugh, not again!

I just got this washed!

Uhh! Excuse me, King coming through!

Uch, king of what? Spilling gruel on yourself?

I didn't spill it on myself.

One of my careless subjects

dropped it out of a window on me.

Subjects?

Is that what you think of us?

I always thought we were more like

equally-valuable acquaintances.

I'm beginning to think you have

a leadership problem.

No. It's a toga problem.

I'm gonna pick up a couple of spares

at that menswear tent over there--

Aah! Oh, God, it's happening again!

Where is this gruel coming from?

Hello? Is anyone here?

It's King Tyrannis, and I'm having a toga emergency.

King Tyrannis, eh?

It looks like you're having quite a day.

The name's Chira, lonely war widow.

I have to work in this menswear tent because my husband died

invading some place he shouldn't have: my sister.

- Oh, my God! - Relax!

That's just a little war widow humor.

But your husband is dead, right?

Oh, yeah, he is, and he slept with my sister.

But the bigger tragedy is, I don't think that toga

is doing you any favors.

Why don't you try this on?

Ah! I think it would look great on you.

Oh, wow! That is nice.

I know what you're thinking. You're the king.

You should have more medals. Let me get them.

Yes, thank you. Please, more medals.

I like to tinkle when I walk.

These bring out your eyes.

And I know you didn't mean that you like to pee yourself

when you walk.

I'm a war widow, not an idiot.

So whaddya say?

Is my chest getting bigger?

I feel like I could do anything!

I feel like you could, too.

This is big.

This is going to change things for me.

That's the power of Chira's House

of Secondhand Dead Husband Stuff.

Whoo!

Ooooh, hello!

Who's this commanding fellow?

It's a pretty good look, right?

I can't believe I'm saying this,

but... yes, I didn't even know you had good features,

but they're all popping right now.

What happened to the toga and the backup toga?

Gruel again.

Toga Ty was the old Ty. I'm trying something new,

and you know what I realized?

We've been complacent with mediocrity for too long.

We need to make some changes around here!

Who is this son

and where can I sign up for some?

Listen up. This family needs to be

more goal-oriented if we're going to lead Krapopolis

to a bigger and better future.

And that's my goal: a bigger and better Krapopolis.

Damn, this suit makes me feel good!

Dad, you start.

Well, I'd like to up the stakes

of my sexual role play with your mother.

Things have been a little same-same,

which is still pretty wild for other people, but not us.

OK, so what's holding you back?

I suppose I can find an old wizard who can turn me

into anything I want.

And I've been meaning to try out some different forms.

We can meet in a bar as sexy strangers!

Excellent! Let the stranger-danger begin!

Maybe it's not an inspired goal,

but at least it's clearly defined.

Hippo, what are you working on?

I've noticed you haven't debuted anything in a while,

so it must be pretty good.

What? Wh-why would I tell you that?

I don't answer to you. I have a lot of irons in the fire.

In fact, I should check on 'em. I'm checking on my irons!

So, Stupe, you sure have had time

to comment on what I'm doing,

but what are you working on?

I got a raid later.

Nomadic tribe in our hinterlands

grazing their sheep!

You're seriously telling me

that the greatest warrior in the world

is doing a raid on nomadic shepherds?

Yeah. I'm gonna take their sheep

and conscript the shepherds into my army.

I didn't say they were peaceful shepherds.

Well, McGriddle me this:

What ever happened to Persia?

You know I'd love to sink my sword

into that fat, juicy empire, but...

- But what? - Frigging woodworking, man!

That's why I gotta raid and conscript

and hope the new recruits don't also have

the jointing-and-planing bug.

You told me I have a leadership problem,

but maybe you should take a look in the mirror.

Citizens of Krapopolis!

It is I, your King Tyrannis!

There's something about you today! We're rapt!

Good, because I need a favor.

Nay, I have a demand. Nay, a decree!

I decree that all citizens will now be

required to serve mandatory military service.

Yes, you there.

Hello. Hi. I'm Timon.

Very excited about following you anywhere.

I'm a new dentist in town, and I don't usually

get to dress too crazy.

Could we get cool outfits, too?

Hell, yeah! I was thinking

something pretty flashy-- maybe a breastplate

and a helmet with a spray of color.

Ooh! Can the breastplate

have the outline of muscles

even if I don't have muscles?

- Yes, Joshua. - Yes!

Can the helmets have those--

OK, I have a picture of it, but I'm trying--

it's--it's almost like a... like a plume, or like a--

like it's shooting out of your head sort of.

Do you know what I mean?

Something that someone sees it from far away

and goes, "That's not a dentist.

That can't be a dentist."

But then they get up close,

and they're like, "Oh, this is a cool dentist."

I think that's a great idea,

and I'll look forward to learning what a "dentist" is.

You might not love it.

Uh, Barfus here.

Citizen-goat slaughterer, also new in town.

Just one question: can the uniform bottom

be a kicky little skirt?

My legs are my best asset, you see.

You got it, Barfus. We're all gonna look great,

and with your gorgeous help, Krapopolis is going to grow

to be an unstoppable empire!

We're going to Persia!

One last thing.

Will you be the one leading us into battle?

I...

will!

I'm here! I'm here!

- I'm here! - OK. Why?

I'm supposed to be guarding this gate, but I just

completely forgot I had work today.

Aaahh! Aaahh!

What was that?!

A Usurper Moth. They can tell

if a throne's about to be empty, then infest it

and take over the whole city.

I've never heard of those, and I thought

I knew all the moths!

I am a big bug guy.

OK, bug guy, well, they're a serious threat.

Luckily, I've invented weapons for exactly

this kind of situation.

Well, that's a good thing,

because I would not know what to do.

Every time I try to defend anything,

I keep almost cutting off my own head. Ha!

Don't worry,

because I've thought of everything.

These moths are coming here looking for Krapopolis,

and we're gonna give 'em Trapopolis!

Well, all right. I guess that makes sense, and I'll--

Ohh! Aah!

Look at these joikos.

Stupendous! Stupendous?!

Oh, no!

You needed guys? Well, I've got guys.

Are you kidding? Thank you!

Why don't you guys start stretching

while I talk to my sister?

Ohh... ugh...

This is so frickin' awesome!

I'm sorry I ever doubted you!

It is awesome, but something my army and I

were thinking is, I should lead this one.

The guys, they practically demanded it,

and you did say I have a leadership problem.

And inspiring an army is a 2-person job.

Really, this is mostly your idea.

For you to lead my dream invasion of Persia?

Well, at this point, isn't it our dream invasion?

I did get all these soldiers.

Yeah, and scared off

those violent shepherds I was gonna conscript!

Actually, we're right here!

We're not attacking.

We were just so inspired, we want to join you!

Go, Stuperannis!

Or... Typendous or... we'll figure it out.

Bard, I'm gonna need something

soaring and inspirational but also a little bit somber.

Don't be afraid to be upbeat.

Fear has no place in my conquest. You got that?

Soaring, inspirational,

somber, and upbeat, no fear.

Anything for you.

If you're done with the music,

I've laid out several strategies here

for "our" dream invasion.

Don't love the tone, but--

Ohh, what have you got here?

Mind if I take a look?

- Of course not! - Of course, yes!

This is top-secret information, and you don't have clearance!

Now, get outta here, dentist!

Stealing my job may have been weirdly easy,

but invading frickin' Persia is complicated!

And what's this?

Yogurt? Bees?

This is all for your breakfast, isn't it?

It's a very important meal, which I've had.

Delicious!

So, I'd say let's pack it up and get moving.

Let's go, troops! We wouldn't want Persia

to come to us first, would we?

Do you even have a plan?

I was thinking I'd impose some of our superior

Krapopolian culture on the Persians.

Not necessarily impose, just, you know,

in case anyone didn't get it at first.

The invasion part, Ty.

Oh. Well, you said you had some plans.

Why don't we use a couple of those?

Do you even know if we're walking

in the right direction?

I...am

going to roll the dice and say yes.

- Ugh! You're right. - Yes!

This is the only way to Persia.

How are you gonna get through when it feels like

2 mountains are hugging you to death?

Fellas, let's get in formation.

What the-- How did that work?

Exactly the shape I was thinking of!

And I'll be the pointy point.

You can't be the pointy point!

You'll be a sitting duck!

I'll hold a shield!

You took me by surprise,

which is exactly what we're going to do

to the Persian army.

A turtle drinking piping-hot red wine?

Like I wouldn't recognize your signature drink.

Oh, that is very funny, Shlub!

Hello.

I'm in town for an insurance convention.

I don't know anyone. Do you come here often?

I have a feeling I will.

I think it's time for a random animal entrance.

This is gonna be legendary.

- Wow! - I know, right?

Get a load of this!

You're a friggin' genius!

I Know!

I'm tellin' ya,

you're not taking adequate precautions.

Watch out for falling goats.

It sounds weird, but it happens.

See?

I'm on it!

Everyone, thank Barfus for dinner!

I've got the marinade!

Uhhhh!

Nobody freak out.

Think of this like being sat on by a servant

during a thunderstorm.

Why do you think anyone

would get that but you?

I can wrap my head around the concept.

There she is!

I miss the real you, although the other one

did leave quite the impression.

You were a tiger. Rrrowwwr!

And you were a chair!

Another hot red, barman!

- Oh, that's odd. - A turtle in a bar?

Seems perfectly normal to me.

That's not the form you took earlier?

It is not. I was a sort of tiger man,

which I thought we were just discussing.

- Does this mean-- - Deliria, darling,

you fooled around with a turtle. Ha ha!

Well, that means you did, too!

Not a turtle, but--Wait a minute. Did you say "chair"?

Now, don't take this the wrong way.

Did you sleep with a chair, Shlub?

I thought you were a chair,

so I humped that chair. A chair?!

Well, now, hold on.

How on Earth could you think I was a chair?

Shlub, this is a new low, and not one of the good ones.

A chair?

Of all this world's perversities,

there is only one I cannot abide:

the kink-shame. I'm off!

You can't walk out! I'm walking out!

Humiliating animal exit!

Well, that was a cheap shot.

Wow, these moths just keep showing up!

They're relentless.

What are you doing?

Uh, just making sure we can see the moths

when they attack? Wait. Are you

deliberately bringing the moths here?

What? No, you crazy! That's--What?

Blow out the candle, then!

I really didn't expect you to know

that light attracts moths.

I told you, I'm a big bug guy!

Uhhhh! Aah!

Uhh!

Ah!

Do you see this over there? That's friggin' Persia!

I get it! This whole day

has been a luck-filled tickle party,

but it's about to get real.

You're gonna see blood comin' out of places

you didn't know blood was from.

Stupe, you're freaking them out.

I should freak them out! That's war!

And all due respect to your suit, I think I should be

at the front lines.

I'm a master of hand-to-hand combat.

I feel like some time over the course of today,

we all forgot that.

If it's so important to you

to be at the front, go ahead.

King of the Valley: Ah, hello, hello!

Sorry, I was just washing my hair.

I didn't expect anyone at this hour.

Invaders usually wait until sundown.

See? Element of surprise.

Don't let your guard down.

King of the Valley: Let me guess--

you're here to conquer us.

It's the suit that gave it away, isn't it?

King of the Valley: I mean, it's a great suit.

But seriously, we're the first city on the outskirts

of the Persian empire.

This kind of thing happens all the time.

Where's your army?

King of the Valley: Hmm, at this time of day? Probably napping,

but they wouldn't get involved with this anyway.

They wouldn't get involved with an invasion?

King of the Valley: Oh, if they did,

they'd have no time for their families!

No, I'm serious. This happens all the time.

We don't really care who's in charge.

So, feel free to introduce a new religion.

And, of course, we expect some kind of tax,

so don't worry about that.

Oh, and some conquerors like to impose

their architectural style,

which I think makes the city pretty eclectic,

so, yeah, go for it.

We just ask that you don't kill us.

I'm down for that. Look at that, Stupe.

It was that easy.

Are you frickin' kidding me?

You know there's gotta be a catch.

Or maybe my instincts were just right,

like they have been this whole time.

Is that so hard to believe?

Yes! It's impossible to believe!

What are you so upset about?

What am I so upset about?

You ruined conquering Persia for me!

What? But we did it!

No, you did it. This was my dream.

King of the Valley: We get invaded every day,

but we don't see this every day.

Maybe it was your dream, but you never did it.

That dream was up for grabs.

I think you're just mad because you lost your groove

when your army left you to make birdhouses.

I hate you in that suit!

King of the Valley: Hoo-hoo! That seemed pretty messy,

but we've got a dynamite tub if you want to clean yourself up.

OK, that didn't make much sense,

but you can take a bath.

Please take a bath.

So, you're new around here, huh?

Yeah. I heard this was a soldiers' bar.

Wanted to come be around my people.

Ohh, look who's up from their naps!

Cheers. You got a new goof-off king.

Persian soldier: Hey! You're General Stupendous

of Krapopolis, aren't you? Uh-huh.

I wish we could have met under different circumstances

because you look like good strong guys

who would put up a fight.

A net? Are you kidding me?

Aah!

King of the Valley: King Ty? Your sister is back.

I don't want to talk to her

unless she's here to apologize.

Does she look sheepish?

King of the Valley: I guess I've seen a sheep in a cage before,

so, yeah, kind of.

I told you there'd be a catch!

I told you it wouldn't be easy!

What is happening here?

We had a gentleman's agreement about my takeover.

I thought you were conquered all the time.

King of the Valley: If you don't learn something

every time you get conquered,

what are you even doing being the guy

who runs the city on the far reaches of the Persian empire?

It's not personal.

I'm coming, Stupe!

Shlub!

I half-expected you to be off on one of your

lost centuries.

I owe you an apology.

I wasn't mad about the kink-shame,

which is, of course, the ultimate kink.

I was mad about the turtle and ashamed to admit it.

Oh, the turtle meant nothing.

Honestly, it only appealed to me because I thought it was you.

Turtles don't normally talk, and this one really talked like you.

Well, that's peculiar.

You know, it makes me wonder

if that turtle was someone else

who had visited your wizard.

Ha! Shagging a chair is quite odd.

Its legs were very sexy.

And I know how you are, so I expected a challenge.

What did you turn into anyway?

Oh, the dowdiest mortal woman.

You should have seen it.

Oh, I would have been all over that.

I know!

Maybe we shouldn't complicate things so much.

Or... this was a success.

We wanted to spice things up, and we both felt jealousy

for the first time--me for a chair, you for a turtle--

and I don't know what criteria you use,

but that's pretty spicy to me.

You're right. Now, come over here

and let me sit on you.

Why'd you do it, Hippo?

I needed a win, OK?

Everyone always expects so much from me, and I keep

churning out inventions that never get used,

and then the minute I can't think of a good idea,

my stupid brother shows up in a confidence suit.

That's gotta be tough, but I don't know the feeling.

I wish someone would expect something from me.

My father wasn't really around growing up, and I--

I've got to stop you.

I didn't even know you were a palace guard until today.

I can't pretend we have this kind of relationship.

We should probably just grab a couple of mops

and clean this up.

If you're so hard up for ideas,

why not invent something that cleans up moth guts?

That's not a bad idea!

Thank you...

Scott! My name is Scott!

I'm a palace guard!

Why do you guys never remember me?!

What is going on here?

They had a strategy, Ty,

which we should have had, which I did have.

And she was properly wary of Barfus and me.

What? Why would anyone be wary of you guys?

Because we're spies, ya nimrod.

Of course they are.

But Timon is a dentist.

He talks about it all the time.

There's no such thing as a dentist!

Why would anyone clean a tooth?

It's just gonna get more food on it the next time you eat.

But you put your hands in all of our mouths.

You have no idea how many times I wanted to tell you

I thought you was right and Ty was wrong,

but part of being a spy

is keeping that sort of thing to yourself.

I appreciate that, Barfus.

King of the Valley: First of all, I want to thank you guys

for this opportunity to make some demands

on another kingdom for a change.

It's super refreshing!

Can't you just break out of that cage?

Maybe, if you'd apologize.

I'm sorry, OK? You were right.

Thank you! Now, of course I can

break out of this cage,

but I'm not gonna just take on these guys on my own.

I was right, but I'm not stupid.

You got us into this, you gotta get us out.

What are the demands?

King of the Valley: Immediate retreat,

and we get control of the mountain pass

you took to get in here.

Make him give up that suit.

King of the Valley: All right, I don't care.

Oh, and make him say,

"I'm a silly king who didn't know what I was doing

and got in over my head."

Seriously, Stupe? Why don't you tell us

how you let yourself get captured?

I'm sure there wasn't any silliness there.

Persian Soldier: She was drinking in our bar.

Persian Soldier 2: We were gonna go and get her after,

but then there she was, just sitting there in our bar.

Persian soldier 1: Our Persian soldier bar!

Persian Soldier 2: So, we were like,

"Should we just bust out the net?"

OK, OK. Truce.

King of the So... you guys good?

- Hmm? - Um, yeah...

King of the Valley: I love it! I'm gonna dine out on this story

for a long time.

Aah!

Well, that was a bust.

Yeah, but can I be honest?

I kind of do like suit you.

I was in a rut, and you gave me something

to be excited about again.

Thank you for saying that.

Honestly, I got so wrapped up in finally getting respect.

At least we got off easy.

Sure. What could the Persians do

with control of the only known overland pass to Krapopolis

and the knowledge of when and how to cross it?

Let's call that a tomorrow problem.

Ooh, what kind of song would you like for this?

An inspirational dirge?

- Go to hell, Bard! - Give it a rest, Bard.

You know who I miss?

That guy we yell at, yeah.

Uh, what's his name? S...

- Scooter. - No. Scoo--Ska--Ska?

Ska! Skaa...n.

Ugh! why did I think it would be a good idea

to do this in the dark?

Is that snow? Is it snowing?

What? Ohh...

Everybody, find your buddies and hold on.

We can do this!

My buddy is a goat. Is that OK?

When we retaliate, let's send Joshua

to the front line.

I was thinking exactly the same thing.

Anybody can be Skaan!

Tyrannis and Stupendous: Ha ha ha!

They're gonna find out nobody laughs at Joshua.

Heh heh heh!

Joshua!

So, did the suit not work out?

No, it did.

I conquered Persia, but then I realized I didn't have

to wear a different outfit to be myself.

Well, if everyone has that realization,

I'll be out of a job.

Also, sounds like a pretty incomplete version

of the story, but I know what you're saying.

Sometimes I feel like I can't really be myself.

Take my dead husband. He took an arrow

through the ear hole in Mycenae.

I toyed with the idea of selling a hat that looked like that,

with an arrow through your head,

but who's gonna buy something fun like that

from a war widow?

People got no sense of humor.

Well, I think it's pretty funny.

Don't doubt yourself. I appreciate that.

Turn her back!

I have professional integrity.

I'm not gonna undo any spell unless--

Turn her back!

Miriam, as the chair: Oh, for God's sakes.

Wizard, it's OK.

Zap.

There, Scott. Ya happy now?

I mean, we just started sleeping together, and you're

already pulling this?

Everything was going great until this wizard--

Hey! Don't blame me for your problems.

I'm just an immigrant from the North trying to make a living

for my wizlands!

Look, Scott, if you want to be with me, you have

to understand that sometimes I like to be a sexy chair.

I'm fine with that!

But just sometimes, can you want to be

a sexy chair with me?

Mm!

I hate these slip-trip...

flappers.

Oh, hey, Paizo.

You taste so good.