Original subtitles

Huh.

Did it work?

It worked! The growth stone worked!

I'm just the right amount taller!

Not off-puttingly giant, just what girls call

a respectable height!

Up top, similar size man! I can reach!

We should hang out!

Stupe, the stone you gave me--

Ohhhh.

Hold on. Did you undress me

while I was sleeping and put a smaller toga

on my helpless nude body?

Well played!

Remind me what you call this hilarious

public destruction of someone's ego?

A prank. Took me a while

to get the hang of it 'cause usually I destroy an ego

by destroying the head,

but turns out I like prank wars almost as much as a regular war.

And now we're even. Are we?

There was the prank where you painted a plate of food

on the table and I ate it...

Which was repayment for the crown lice.

Which was repayment for when you said

if my hand was bigger than my face it meant

I had plague, and then it turned out

there was plague on my hand.

That was a good one.

One way or another I need to

call a prank truce.

I have a big day.

OK, fine, I'll "agree to a truce."

Can you agree without subtext?

Morning, all. Have I told you

what I want done with my body if I die?

OK. What angry madam

at what weirdly specialized brothel

has a bounty on you now?

Son, I never pay for sex except as a bit,

and the starfish at the starfish brothel

have so much fun, they keep trying to pay me!

No, I'm just on my way to King Minos' bash

on the Isle of Crete.

"Min-os"? Yeah, I thought

it was pronounced "Mine-os."

Divorced men.

No one parties harder or sadder.

Minos' party will have all sorts of risky amusements,

not just his famous Minotaur.

Oh, right, there you go.

There's also a piranha jacuzzi,

crossbow line dancing, which is like normal line dancing,

but if you mess up, they shoot you.

Why would you want to go to a party like that?!

The same reason people black-out drink.

Nothing's more fun than almost dying.

And on the off chance I overshoot the "almost,"

I'd like my body to be ground up and put in a big lasagna.

All righty then!

You're just gonna let him do this?

Sounds like his life is gonna be in danger!

Ugh. Once you've made the mistake of investing

emotionally in a mortal, you have to give up

on distinguishing between levels of theoretical risk.

Anything short of "he is currently dying" looks

more or less the same to me.

At any rate, I'm very busy today.

I'm getting a sandwich.

Lunch dragon!

Well, one of us has to go with Dad.

He can't party like he's 4,000 years old anymore.

I feel you, and yet, I am also busy.

Gotta go clear things up with everybody

who thought you got magically tall?

Among other things! Hence the prank truce!

And I'm on alert because

the "prank truce" is definitely a prank.

Great, so it's on me to pretend I want

to go to this reckless-idiot festival

and keep Dad from partying to death.

You're both welcome!

Nobody thought you got tall.

Except me, Stupe!

Except me.

♪ Huh ♪

♪ Huh huh ♪

♪ Huh huh huh ♪

♪ Whoo! ♪

Wow. This seems less like a party

and more like a bunch of guys

endangering themselves for no reason.

Well the snake-taunting booth isn't for everyone,

but I'm sure we can find something you'd like.

There's quicksand races... Whoo! Yeah!

A blind guy just swinging a sword

around in an enclosed area...

Blowfish meat?

We didn't prepare it correctly.

Oooh! Sounds delicious!

Dad! No!

I-I mean Won't we catch a buzz faster if we drink

on an empty stomach?

Good looking out, son.

Should I procure us some dangerous libations?

Let me get the drinks!

Why don't you hang out here and try...

Aah! Unh!

Whoo-hoo! Hee hee!

sitting next to this quiet, calm man?

Ooh. What could he be hiding?

Hi, I'm Marc.

I'm a grown man who gives his cats

ironic "people" names like "Greg" and "Meghan."

Ooh, scary!

Sit here and talk to scary Marc!

My best friend is my aunt.

Two waters, please.

So are you a fish with legs or a man with a fish head?

Uh, what?

Sorry. Where are my manners.

Well, I'll tell you where.

My wife got 'em in the divorce. I'm King Minos.

Oh, so this is your divorce party,

and you pronounce it "Mean-os"!

Yeah, but don't worry about Minos.

I get to be the good guy.

She was seeing a bull behind my back,

which I only found out when "our" kid

came out half-bull.

You believe that?

I mean, what does a bull have that I don't?

It doesn't matter, I'm over it.

Well, I gotta go find my dad.

Thing is, somehow I got custody

of this Minotaur!

Do not let your racquetball partner

be your lawyer.

He was like, "Oh, I can handle that for you."

Well, he didn't. Right, right.

Sounds tough, man.

Well, good luck with everything.

I'll be thinking of you--

And I gotta keep it appeased by feeding it

virgins, which are super hard to find, especially

on this island since there's really only

one thing to do here, you know, the nasty, knockin' boots,

the horizontal tango, the vertical sexual tango...

I get it, having sex.

If you wanna be crass.

Anyway, it's hard to find a virgin,

and it's basically the only thing this Minotaur will eat.

Incredibly picky, but do you see me complaining?

No! That was my wife's job.

Aah! What was that?

What's going on?!

I spent my whole life staying a virgin

in the service of the kingdom,

but then along came your dad!

Oh, no. You slept with a virgin sacrifice?!

Dad, you weren't supposed to do that.

Well you should've told me.

It would have made it even hotter!

You spoiled my virgin?!

Oh, I spoiled him all right.

It turns out Marc is quite the charmer.

Marc, tell him about the cats.

Oh, hey, Stupendous.

Just polishing Ty's throne for his big day.

I see that. What's in the other bucket?

Is that glue? Yeah.

I was just doing some gluing earlier.

It's really strong glue.

Interesting. Is it?!

That's good to know.

I need more conversation starters.

I've been trying to date more--

What did Ty have you gluing?

Let me guess. My battle axes to their mounts on the wall?

No, no. A dead goat to my bed?

Oh, maybe himself to my ceiling

so he can pretend he's a ghost and haunt me?

I don't know what you're talking about.

Oh, I bet you don't.

You know what, Scott? You do too much around here.

Why don't you let me take over?

Really?! It's so nice to be appreciated!

Tee hee hee hee hee!

Hey, Ty! Get in here!

Oh, wow!

I felt bad about how I didn't take

your big day seriously, so I polished your throne up

real nice for you.

Can you sit in it real fast so I can make sure

I got the shine level right?

Aw, thank you, Stupe! That is so nice of you!

You should lean back so the sunlight

glints off your eyes.

Well, OK. Like this?

OK. You can hop off now.

Ha ha ha! Or maybe you can't

'cause you got glued to your throne with your own glue!

Ha ha ha!

What?! Are you kidding me?

What about the truce?!

Oh, yeah, I guess this glue was to

make truce decorations!

You thought I'd fall for that?

You gotta try something a little more convincing

than "I have a big day."

But I do have a big day!

I'm hosting a peace talk!

I can't be glued to my throne! - Why didn't you say that?

Because I knew you wouldn't want to be

involved in a peace treaty, but guess what.

Now you have to be.

You agreed to a truce and didn't honor it,

and now you have to help me not look like an idiot!

Well, that's not gonna be easy.

Just get the door!

What if we found you a new virgin?

I saw a playground nearby.

What?! No.

You take my virgin, you face my Minotaur.

Oooooh!

But neither of us is a virgin!

He can choke you down. Oooooooh!

Tell the Minotaur he's eating

fish sticks for dinner!

Whoo!

Why are you whooing?

He's talking about me!

I'm so proud of you.

The fish sticks are my son!

I'm gonna get us out of this.

I've got a plan.

I know all about the thread trick.

Damn. And the crumbs.

Oh, that would've been a good idea.

And the ladybugs.

How would that work?

Ah, this will stop me from flying out,

and I love the smell of tar!

Why are you so excited?

Do you not understand? You could be killed!

If I die, I'll die doing what I love--

almost dying.

Dad, wait!

You've got traps in there?

Enjoy! Why thank you!

Not a bad fellow in the end!

Smooth sailing so far.

I know, it's too bad.

We've avoided the venomous snake pit,

the guillotine corridor, and that red water slide.

Dad, I already told you

that wasn't water, it was lava.

If we're not going to do anything,

why did we even come here?

Just let me step on one suspicious rock

beneath a column of spikes.

Dad, no! Oh!

It's like you want to get hurt!

Come on, we're getting close.

Statue one: Halt! Behind us stand two doors.

Statue two: Nope.

Statue one: One leads to your freedom--

Statue two: Wrong.

Statue one: the other to almost certain death.

Statue two: That is incorrect.

Statue one: One of us always lies,

one of us always tells the truth.

Statue two: Neither of us does either of those things.

False. And what about you?

Statue 3: Oh, I'm not with those guys.

OK, well obviously this is the one

that tells the truth.

Statue two: No! Why? What? No.

Well, she said there's two doors

and you said there weren't. Statue two: No I didn't.

Which door leads to freedom?

Because once we know the safe door,

we can choose the spicy door.

What?!

Statue one: The door on the right.

Statue two: Not true! Statue one: No, your right.

Statue two: No, my right. Nobody's right.

It's on the left. Your left! Thank you.

Statue two: Maybe there are no doors!

Maybe we're the ones who are trapped

and we have to open one of you.

Ooh!

OK, Dad. Let's go. Are you sure?

'Cause we can still choose the fun door!

You mean the door that she said leads

to "almost certain death"?

The one that's literally leaking blood?

That door? Yes!

Statue two: It's not leaking blood.

Uh, you're leaking blood.

Come on! We're leaving my way.

Statue 3: Wait, wait, take me with you?

Take me with you!

Statue one: Jeez, Debra, if there's something you

want to talk about, just talk about it.

Statue two: I'm not offended.

Statue one: Are you-- Statue two: I'm fine!

Thank you for trusting me.

It's a huge honor and responsibility,

and I promise I will treat this negotiation

with the solemnity that it deserves.

You're gonna do great.

How much of this can require you to move anyway?

Before we get started,

it is a custom of my country to stand in prayer.

Seriously?

I know, right? Here we go.

I wouldn't expect that guy to honor this tradition,

but you, a man who claims to be reasonable?

Uh...

That's exactly why Ty won't stand.

He doesn't want to... honor one kingdom over the other.

She's right, so let's get this started.

Stupe, will you bring out the map, please?

"Stand in prayer."

You go too far, Lapithos!

Aah!

Ty, little help?

No, I wouldn't want to show...

special treatment.

This isn't like the standing in prayer thing.

That's my snack for later.

I don't agree--because I would never agree with this cur--

but I don't disagree.

Why don't you just get the pomegranate?

Come on. It's right at your feet.

Stupe! What?

I'm getting the map!

I can't believe how much moving around is happening!

We better head home before Minos

finds out we escaped.

He is not the most stable person I've ever met.

Ugh. What's wrong?

You love being mounted,

usually in ways I find disturbing.

I'm feeling a strange feeling,

an odd displeasure caused by a lack of fulfillment.

Like a climax I didn't get to have,

almost some kind of anti-climax!

You're... disappointed we escaped?

What part of it did you not understand?

I wanted to do the labyrinth the way

that it was meant to be done--

at great peril to my head and testicles.

I don't believe this.

I save you from the death maze,

you're mad I didn't let you play in it longer.

That's right!

Son, I'm thousands of years old.

Everything you think is thrilling is

old hat to me,

and before you ask, yes, even romancing an old hat.

Was not gonna ask.

The reason I came to this party was to feel alive,

meet a Minotaur, get the old heart racing.

I hear he's got huge horns.

I mean, horns for days.

The reason I came is because you

can't be trusted to look after yourself--

at a party, in a maze, even in an open field

with nothing for miles.

See?!

I don't know how it got so tangled!

I thought you came because you enjoy

spending time with me.

How can I enjoy spending time

with someone whose idea of fun involves

their own reckless demise?

Perhaps by respecting what I enjoy.

Well, if you can't do that, I'll go have fun

the way I like--fearlessly, open-minded,

and all lubed up.

Oh, boy.

Something weird is going on with you, Tyrannis,

and I've been at war for far too long not

to be impulsively aggressive!

This is why we never get anywhere with peace talks.

You're impossible! Ugh!

Now I gotta get my dagger, too.

No! No daggers!

If we're going to do this, we need to establish trust!

Watch this!

And why did you do that again?

Trust. You trusted that I wouldn't hit

you with this knife,

and that's why you didn't flinch.

Right. That is the reason.

Now can everyone please stop dropping things

and throwing knives so we can get on with it?

Look. He attacked us to build an extension of his palace,

and that's just the beginning.

The extension he built was garish and offensive!

Dad? Dad!

Dad! Dad!

Dad? Dad!

- Unh! - Ugh!

Hear that? That's his "I forgot to eat breakfast

and it's too late for lunch, so I'm really hungry" roar!

Still having fun? Hmm.

I'd say 6 out of 10?

I don't believe it.

You don't even get it now that we're both going to die?

Son, as I said, I never asked you

to keep me safe.

Why can't you respect what I want?

What about what I want?!

I wasn't trying to keep you safe for you.

I'm not ready for you to die.

You're my dad! Oh.

It's irresponsible for you to be

so cavalier with your life when--

I can't believe I'm saying this--you have a family

who wants you in their lives as long as possible.

Oh, son. I'm so moved.

And here I thought you were just a top-notch party pooper,

which I respected, by the way!

I'm sorry for getting you into this,

though, to be clear, I'm not sorry

for sleeping with that virgin.

He had no teeth. I mean, zero.

Wow.

What a touching moment between two people

who are about to be torn apart by my Minotaur!

Thank you.

Minotauuuuuuur!

Aah! Huh.

What is it, now?

Well, I don't know.

He's objectively terrifying, but I can't help feel

I got oversold on the size of the horns.

I don't know, man.

I don't think these guys need peace.

You know what actually might be perfect for them is war.

That's not what we're here for.

You promised. Plus, I need your help.

I've got a bogie in my nose, and if I can't reach it,

you're gonna have to get it out!

I only did that

because of the abduction of our Lapithion women!

Melissa isn't "your" woman.

she's "a" woman, and she moved to Pandosia

because she likes the sunsets more!

Ugh.

Oh, you have got to be kidding me!

There's a little more in there.

Can we move this along?

Oh, she likes the sunsets, does she?

I suppose it's the same deal with our sheep?

Again, Begonia isn't "your" sheep.

She's "a" sheep, and, no, it's not the sunsets.

We are in love!

These guys are nuts.

Please can't we just let them fight this border war

until both sides completely die out?

No! You have to make them agree to my proposal.

Also, I really have to pee, so unless you want to find

a way to solve that for me, too...

Why don't you just agree to this

and stop fighting?

Because that would be cowardly.

I don't think it's cowardly.

Of course it's cowardly.

What's more cowardly than not fighting

your worst enemy?

I don't understand.

Think of it like a truce.

Stupendous, you're the most

aggressive warrior in the world.

Would you ever agree to a "non-aggression pact"

with the understanding that saying you would is

saying you're a coward?

- It doesn't mean that. - Yes, it does.

I don't just have to pee.

Yes, I would agree to a non-aggression pact.

Well, if Stupendous would be willing

to humiliate herself like this...

We apologize and get over it.

Gotcha! Huh?

I said, I gotcha! What?!

You're supposed to be glued to the throne!

You can't glue someone to a throne.

That was honey!

I can't believe this!

I threw a knife really close to your head, you know.

I know! That was insane!

I was frozen with terror, but it worked out perfect!

It was my job to make sure

you used the bait glue!

And you were in on it, too?

No!

Ha ha ha! What?

This is it. We can't outrun him anymore.

Perhaps I shouldn't have had so much wine

back at the maze.

Aah!

Enough running. I wanna see bloodshed!

It's the only thing that keeps me from being alone

with my divorced thoughts!

Honestly, what are you good for if you can't catch

a little merman and his old dad?

You might as well not even be here!

Minotaurrrrr!

Don't you speak to me in that tone.

Mino-taur!

Yes, I know you miss your mom.

May I remind you, she left me!

Hippocampus, whispering: Oh, my god. I have an idea, Dad.

Look at them. I know.

They're both sensationally hot,

but zero chemistry, I'm afraid.

No. I mean, look at them fighting.

They're just a father and son with father-son problems!

Hey, Minotaur! - Rawwr!

I wanna say something

misunderstood son to misunderstood son.

What are you doing? Eat them!

Hippo, I'm no expert, but isn't running

in fear usually a bit more active?

More fearful screaming?

Listen, I know a thing or two about having

a father who doesn't think about consequences.

Hell, that's why you and me even exist,

but we're never gonna change them.

They love us but sometimes can't see

how their actions affect us.

Minotaur. Don't listen to him.

This is great for both of us!

You love eating virgins.

Minotaur, Minotaur.

You haven't liked eating virgins

since you were 3?

Minotaurrrrr!

What? I know plenty of your friends.

Minotaur.

Of course I can name one.

Like. I wanna say... Delby?

I can't believe you played

so fast and loose with an actual peace treaty.

I thought you were so into peace!

I'm into peace. I'm not that into peace.

Are you worried that two kings

with an endless appetite for bloodshed

are allies against you now?

What are you still doing here?

I'm just trying to be part of the gang!

Go clean the honey off of my throne!

Don't worry, bro.

If they attack us, I'll take care of them.

I know you will.

It's nice to just have fun sometimes.

Who stole all my honey?

Uh, the guy next to the honey bucket

cleaning all the honey off that big chair!

Honey thief! We have come for revenge!

I'm releasing my sweet bees!

Aah!

Classic Beekeeper!

This probably goes down in, like,

top 5 best Beekeeper moments ever.

Aah!

This prank just keeps on giving.

He's--he's getting stung.

Aah!

He's really suffering.

Aah!

- Minotaur! - OK. I see your point.

Sometimes I don't think about what you want.

Your mom used to say the same thing.

Minotaur.

Wow, son.

You really brought them back together.

You horse-kick that cow man freak

as hard as you can. But--

Just do it!

Ugh! Unh!

Agh!

That tender father-son stuff was working!

Why would you kick both of us in the crotch?

So you'd chase us!

Ha ha ha! Yes! That's the spirit!

Rawwrr!

Rawwrrrrr!

Minotaur...

That was exhilarating!

You know what? I see the appeal.

Well, spectacular

because there's a toothless ex-virgin waiting

for us in the piranha jacuzzi!

I mean this in all sincerity.

You go have fun.

Enjoy, sweetie.

All-powerful god of time,

but it still takes an hour and a half to get a table.

Chronos, you were absolutely right.

This is delicious.

Way better than that-- what did you call it?

Hot dog? - Told you.

So where are we having dessert?

Oh, it looks delicious.

What is this called? Baked Alaska.

I don't understand either of those words.

Iceberg right ahead!

Ooh! Ha ha! It's about to start.

Oh, dinner and a show!

You spoil me.