Original subtitles

[piano music playing]

[Kati] But first, my sister.

[Juju] Is she coming or... Is she here?

Ohh!

No! Fuck!

Who is this?

- What is that? - Very nice choice, Kati.

- What in the fuck is coming out of you? - Strong man.

I can't wait to have a taste.

You don't want me now, do you?

No.

I mean, yeah, yeah, I do.

I do, I'm really horny. I just...

You're so beautiful.

Okay.

Do her first and then me.

Okay?

Monsieur. Monsieur.

Use the backdoor. She likes it.

Don't talk to her.

Come over here.

Fuck me, big boy.

[Kati] Yes! Fuck her.

She wants you.

Okay.

Okay.

Yes.

Okay.

Go get her.

Okay. Yeah.

Yeah, her first.

Bonsoir, Monsieur.

Bonsoir.

Your French is fantastic.

It arouses me that you are a world traveler.

Merci.

Drop your pants and fuck me now!

- Okay. - It's my turn.

Put some butter on that baguette and shove it in my ass.

Mmm...

Now,

get it hard.

Shove it in my tight little ass.

Give it a good tug like you're starting a lawn mower.

Yes! Tug, tug, tug.

Big and hard.

Your peepee is not going to grow?

I'm trying, man.

- You've never had sex before? - That's not what it is--

Kati, you have to bring a man who's ready to fuck.

Your boy's not even hard.

Pull harder.

Fuck.

Sorry, I...

You're not going to?

I'm sorry. I'm just having a little--

Do you need a little help?

No, no, I'm having a little trouble back here.

Put it in my mouth.

No, no, no. That's okay.

- Oui. She loves it. - Put it in my mouth, baby.

- In her mouth? - Oui. Put it in her mouth.

It's so special for her.

Climb up here and put it in my mouth.

Can I put it in your mouth instead?

[sighs] Do her first.

Then, oui.

- I'm much better at oral... - Oh, my God.

...than Kati.

- I love it in my mouth. - Fuck.

Feeling it change in my mouth.

It's exciting.

Mount me, big boy.

Step over the back.

And lower yourself into my mouth.

[laughs]

- In the mouth. - Come in my mouth.

Oui, oui, Juju. You got this.

[gagging]

Little, little.

Oh, fuck. What am I doing?

I can't wait for my turn.

Me too.

He's growing in my mouth.

Okay. Okay.

I'm ready, I guess.

- Okay. - [Brigitte] Don't come in my mouth.

- Save it for my ass. - Jesus.

You're so tasty. [slurps]

- Fuck me. - Oh, God!

Oh, yes. Not just the head.

All the way.

God!

Oh, that feels good.

Juju!

Fuck me harder.

Yeah, Juju, like that.

- Fuck me, you pussy. - Oh, my God.

Oh, my God!

Please stop talking.

No, you stop talking and fuck me!

- She loves it. - Good.

She hasn't made love in years.

Ohh, I'm so lucky.

Take me.

I can't wait for you.

Oui. Ma soeur.

- Are you going to come? - No. God, no.

Wait.

I'm going to come.

- Oh, fuck! - [Kati] Oui!

You go, girl!

[exclaiming]

[groans]

[snores]

Is she okay?

Oui. Juju, you did it.

Yeah, I guess I did.

She's so happy.

That's nice.

Uh...

Can we go now?

Oui.

Oh, my God.

[snoring]

Ignore her.

Gladly.

[moaning]

Oui...

Fuck me harder!

Oui, that's it! That's it!

Good boy.

Hey!

Suck my big toe.

Your big toe?

- Yes. - Okay.

Okay.

Ah, that's it!

Just like that.

Hey, that's my toe, baby!

- [laughs] - Oh, fuck! What...

You're not a nice person. Nobody in this town is!

Where are you going?

Come back here, Donkey Dick!

Love.

It fucking sucks.

But it takes a little while to learn that.

Ah, young love.

Enjoy your first dry tug, young man.

Hm?

You can't choose who you love,

and you definitely can't choose who loves you.

Wonder if they're together again.

They're not.

He's in hell.

I love stories about love.

And that's because I have a heart twice the size of a normal person.

It's called cardiomegaly, and it very well might kill me.

[sniffing]

[sighs]

I can't wait.

[Sarah] I love you.

[Carl] I love you so much.

[sighs] Are you feeling okay?

[Sarah] Yeah.

The meds are working really well.

- Good, good. - The kids are coming later?

- They're coming, yeah. - [Sarah] Okay. Good.

Sarah, Carl.

This is Lilly Weiland. She's from the Last Wish group.

I'll leave you to it.

You must be Sarah.

Hi. And you are?

Oh, I'm Carl. I'm her husband.

What's the Last Wish group?

Well, uh, we do our very best to deliver wishes.

Bucket list experiences for people like Sarah.

Oh, my God, that's so awesome.

- You're still full of surprises. - [both chuckle]

Oh, God, you two are so cute.

Oh, well, I hit the jackpot with this one.

He's the Popeye to my Olive Oyl.

- Right? - Yeah.

[sobs]

[laughs like Popeye]

- I'm sorry. - [Lilly chuckling]

[sighs] What's your wish, honey?

Well, Sarah did not make it easy on me, but I love a challenge.

[gasps] It's Sergei, isn't it?

The violinist?

She wanted to see the symphony one last time.

It's not that but...

Is it Chip and Joanna Gaines from HGTV?

Maybe Maroon 5 Adam Levine.

[upbeat music playing]

Wait, it's...

Barry the Sandwich Guy on TV.

How are you doing, bud?

Um, so your last wish is a Hoagie?

[Lilly] Well, that and other things.

Her wish includes a turkey and provolone club

- from the Hoagie Hut. - Bestseller.

A bag of sea salt potato chips.

[Barry] As requested.

And for Barry,

the manager of Hoagie Hut...

Owner-operator.

[Lilly] Owner-operator to...

"Fuck every hole and fill me with this big boy jizz.

I want big boy jizz, not little bitch boy jizz

to make me feel like a real woman, for once in my life."

[chuckling] Wait, wait, wait. What is this?

Is this some sort of prank or something?

No, it's the real deal, pal.

What's big-boy jizz?

That's the only kind I carry.

Hold on.

I'm sorry. Is there gonna be a problem?

- Actually, I'm sorry. There is a problem. - Yeah, there's a problem.

I think you missed the part about him dragging his nuts across my face.

[sputters] What?

Oh, God, I'm so sorry, It continued on to the next page.

"I want him to drag his nuts across my face..."

- There it is. - "...fold me in half

and make me his cum pig.

Shove my head in a trash can to snap my back..."

"Cum pig"?

"...and to fill me with this girthy meat."

Wait a second. Are you cheating on me with Barry from Hoagie Hut?

- Whoa. No. - No!

The guy we make fun of his billboards. He karate-chops his sandwiches. That guy?

Of course not. Of course not.

No, no, no, no.

This is just a fantasy.

Fantasies happen in your mind.

This is happening right now in this room.

No, it's like...

It's like last year when you went to the Masters.

This is not that at all! That was golf.

This is my golf.

- You both like golf. - Shut up, Barry.

All right, Carl, let's just give them some space.

Excuse me, um...

So my wife isn't mentally fit to make this decision, right?

Oh. This one is still as sharp as a tack.

[Barry spits]

Do not spit on my dying wife, man.

- Piece of shit. - All right, let me go talk to him.

- You spit on her, man. - [mumbles]

Look, I don't know if I'm going crazy,

but it feels like you don't want me to fuck your wife.

That's correct.

[Barry sighs] Shit.

I've been holding this load for a week.

- I don't care. - I lapped it up, Daddy!

Good girl.

You know, the thing is, man,

I think you're just kind of looking at the situation wrong.

It's about perspective. You know what you are?

- What? - A ham and cheese sandwich.

They're good. It's good bread, it's good ham, it's good cheese.

But you can get it anywhere, any day.

And I'm over here.

I'm like imported specialty meats.

Prosciuttos, and jamón serranos,

some Vietnamese pork belly,

bok choy, kare-kare.

I'm like a bánh mì.

You see that and you go, "This is fucking crazy."

You get it?

He gets it.

All right. If I start now, I can come four times in an hour.

- Oh. - Ah, the first one is always quick.

I don't know why.

[Carl] No.

- [Barry sighs] - No, no, no. Nope!

You can't do this.

You cannot do this!

- I already took the pill. - [doctor] I'm sorry.

Did I just hear someone deny a last wish?

Him.

In my 35 years of medicine, I've never heard someone deny a last wish.

You're being incredibly selfish, Carl.

I'm selfish?

Am I losing my fucking mind?

You know, we can certainly have you evaluated

if you're feeling unwell.

That's a good idea, Doc.

[somber music playing]

- That won't be necessary. - Good.

- Okay. - [Lilly] All right, Carl.

- Let's get you out of here. - Come on.

[Lilly] You're not gonna wanna see this.

I can't wait for you to try this.

I'm using a new mayo.

[Carl] Barry?

Can you please use a condom?

[Barry sighs]

No.

[upbeat music playing]

[pilot in Spanish] Good evening.

This is your captain speaking.

We're at cruising altitude.

While you sleep, I'll pet the co-pilot.

Have a good flight.

[Kyle] In love?

Excuse me?

You in love?

[Tom] Oh, no, it's for my wife.

You don't love your wife?

[chuckles] Sorry.

I meant yes, I love my wife.

Just...

I'm going home after being away for a while. That's all.

[bell dings]

We good?

I feel like I know you.

Nah, you don't.

Wait. Are you that comedian?

No.

Bikes!

Right! Tom Segura.

You're funny, man.

- Bikes! Bikes! - Okay. Dude.

- Sir? Sir. - Yeah.

I'm going to need you to keep your voice down.

Me?

Thank you for your cooperation.

- I always yell that. Bikes! - Okay, thank you. Appreciate it, man.

What was that other bit you had again?

I don't know.

Oh, yeah, it's that calling someone a midget

isn't as bad as calling someone a [bleep].

Jesus Christ, dude!

- You can't say that. - What? [bleep].

- You shouldn't say that word. - But you did.

- You said that in your act. - It was a joke from a long time ago, okay?

Such a funny joke.

The joke was about equating words that aren't equal.

Somebody said that they were,

and all I said was that saying the "M" word

was not the same as saying the "N" word.

But I don't say either in my real life,

and you're saying both right now very loudly, I might add.

The captain has turned on the seatbelt sign.

We're gonna have a few bumps.

[Kyle] So let me get this straight.

Your argument is saying, "midget" isn't

as hurtful as saying [bleep].

Christ, dude!

[bell dings]

Yes, sir?

That man is very inappropriate.

- He also hates his wife. - No, I don't hate my wife.

Sir, please do not make me ask you again.

You really should not say that word.

I'm sorry, which word?

You know which one's off limits.

- I do not know. I say a lot of words. - We're talking about two fun words

that you get to play with one and you don't get to touch the other.

What about me, Tommy?

What words am I allowed to say?

You can say both.

Both what?

Both words.

Both words that we were... He was saying. Out loud.

Tell me what word.

I can't.

Why?

'Cause... 'cause you're...

I'm what?

You're both of the...

You fit into the different boxes.

He said I could fit into boxes now.

Fitting in a box? We can fit in a box?

[David] I'm calling it flying first class. This what I get--

- I need an able-bodied volunteer. - Right here.

So we're not able-bodied? Is that what you're saying?

- I'm just trying to help. - [attendant] Come with me, please.

- You guys are nuts. - You're nuts, man.

You saved my ass. Those guys--

Do you speak Spanish?

Yeah. Fluently.

- [sighs] The pilots are dead. - What?

[electronics beeping]

What the fuck?

How did this happen?

They were doing their pilot sex shit, and it got out of hand.

Pilot sex shit?

All pilots have sex with each other.

Why do you think Sully hit those birds?

[Tommy] They left that part out of the movie.

Yeah. Okay, we need you to land the plane.

What?

[upbeat music playing]