Would you like to inspect the original subtitles? These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated:
1
00:00:02,891 --> 00:00:04,807
Previously on "You Me Her"...
2
00:00:04,843 --> 00:00:06,453
And she says that my voice
3
00:00:06,474 --> 00:00:09,589
is like nails on the
chalkboard of her soul.
4
00:00:10,334 --> 00:00:12,737
- Am I your first patient?
- Brian, I quit.
5
00:00:12,769 --> 00:00:14,224
EMMA: What's going on at
Will and Marty's house?
6
00:00:14,234 --> 00:00:16,419
- CARMEN: Oh, that's Binge Club.
- Binge Club?
7
00:00:16,435 --> 00:00:18,706
All the stay-at-home
parents meet up at Marty's
8
00:00:18,716 --> 00:00:20,401
bingeing the latest
and greatest TV shows.
9
00:00:20,462 --> 00:00:23,554
- I want the job.
- Helping entitled rich kids with their faux damage?
10
00:00:23,589 --> 00:00:24,788
Oh, I have one condition.
11
00:00:24,798 --> 00:00:26,508
I just need you to admit one student.
12
00:00:26,513 --> 00:00:28,051
Her name is Sasha, and she was homeless
13
00:00:28,066 --> 00:00:29,387
up until two months ago.
14
00:00:29,417 --> 00:00:30,985
Nathan went through a nasty divorce,
15
00:00:31,011 --> 00:00:32,447
and I figured I could
give him some support.
16
00:00:32,452 --> 00:00:33,560
She cheated on me.
17
00:00:33,591 --> 00:00:35,191
- Yeah, that happens to the be...
- With my brother.
18
00:00:35,215 --> 00:00:38,129
And I'm just trying to purify myself
19
00:00:38,164 --> 00:00:40,856
so that someone might love me.
20
00:00:40,866 --> 00:00:42,995
All I learned is that I
loathe listening to people
21
00:00:42,996 --> 00:00:45,453
- whine about their problems.
- You like telling people what to do.
22
00:00:45,474 --> 00:00:47,548
Why not do that right here?
23
00:00:47,568 --> 00:00:50,275
You dole out the advice,
I dole out the drinks.
24
00:00:50,290 --> 00:00:52,875
- It's the perfect hook for this place.
- You'd really do that for me?
25
00:00:52,885 --> 00:00:55,758
Babe, it's win/win. Yeah. Oh!
26
00:00:56,355 --> 00:00:59,026
♪ Oh-oh, oh-oh ♪
27
00:00:59,077 --> 00:01:02,709
♪ Oh-oh-oh, oh, oh, oh ♪
28
00:01:02,725 --> 00:01:04,399
Great. Thank you.
29
00:01:04,870 --> 00:01:08,298
- Thank you.
- So, what's good, sweet child o'mine?
30
00:01:08,353 --> 00:01:11,308
Seems as though this high-school
counseling gig is gonna stick.
31
00:01:11,333 --> 00:01:13,095
Made it two weeks without getting fired,
32
00:01:13,120 --> 00:01:15,862
which means my name is
going on the mortgage.
33
00:01:15,907 --> 00:01:18,588
House is just as much mine
as it is Jack and Emma's.
34
00:01:18,614 --> 00:01:20,061
That's great, Iz.
35
00:01:20,233 --> 00:01:22,196
You're... You're goin' all in.
36
00:01:22,242 --> 00:01:24,863
Yes. I'm giving your
rehab wisdom a shot,
37
00:01:24,884 --> 00:01:26,989
- you know? Trying to love their life.
- Good.
38
00:01:27,014 --> 00:01:29,615
And with Emma on a break, I
think they actually need me
39
00:01:29,630 --> 00:01:32,989
- to get the loan, as hilarious as that sounds.
- Great.
40
00:01:33,027 --> 00:01:35,364
- Well, that must feel good, to be needed.
- Yeah.
41
00:01:35,577 --> 00:01:39,528
I mean, Emma keeps repeating
"our" and "we" about the babies,
42
00:01:39,563 --> 00:01:41,192
you know, making sure I feel equal.
43
00:01:41,238 --> 00:01:44,063
- Dear God, the heartless shrew.
- [CHUCKLES]
44
00:01:44,230 --> 00:01:47,139
Well, she left a Google
search up on her laptop:
45
00:01:47,164 --> 00:01:48,631
"Tri-custody."
46
00:01:48,652 --> 00:01:52,340
It just feels like this is
all about softening the blow
47
00:01:52,365 --> 00:01:55,318
for when they tell me they
definitely don't want any more kids.
48
00:01:56,547 --> 00:01:58,647
- It's a lot.
- Yeah.
49
00:01:58,829 --> 00:02:00,494
Let's, uh, go for a walk.
50
00:02:00,498 --> 00:02:02,958
- Yeah. Walk it off, as they say, hey?
- Gotta get to work.
51
00:02:02,966 --> 00:02:04,068
- Yeah, walk this way.
- Walk it off.
52
00:02:04,092 --> 00:02:05,383
- Okay. Ready?
- Yeah.
53
00:02:06,811 --> 00:02:08,741
♪ Oh-oh, oh-oh ♪
54
00:02:08,830 --> 00:02:10,741
♪ Oh-oh ♪
55
00:02:10,797 --> 00:02:12,178
♪ Oh-oh ♪
56
00:02:12,882 --> 00:02:14,574
- Oh, my... my eyes!
- Okay, okay.
57
00:02:14,590 --> 00:02:16,343
- Sorry.
- Honest, guys?
58
00:02:17,269 --> 00:02:19,673
I'm, uh, installing the
soap dispensers today
59
00:02:19,682 --> 00:02:20,977
if you wanna wash your eyeballs.
60
00:02:21,102 --> 00:02:22,959
You know what? Good on you.
61
00:02:24,169 --> 00:02:27,031
Soak it up while you
can, because guess what.
62
00:02:27,068 --> 00:02:30,025
One day real soon, it'll be
all about morning sickness
63
00:02:30,066 --> 00:02:33,195
and mortgages and... and block parties
64
00:02:33,199 --> 00:02:34,599
and fucking kale.
65
00:02:34,676 --> 00:02:36,454
Okay? There's so much kale.
66
00:02:36,466 --> 00:02:37,939
Like, where has it been all this time?
67
00:02:37,963 --> 00:02:41,509
I'm having nonstop skeletal
tremors, and I do not hate it.
68
00:02:41,553 --> 00:02:43,342
- [MOCKINGLY] Oh, are you?
- You're welcome.
69
00:02:43,362 --> 00:02:44,682
Ugh! Sonofa...
70
00:02:44,807 --> 00:02:47,191
I'm glad somebody's
enjoying all this sex.
71
00:02:47,211 --> 00:02:50,441
Emma's biologically occupied
with little Jizzy and Jemma.
72
00:02:50,474 --> 00:02:52,170
Meanwhile, having sex without her
73
00:02:52,186 --> 00:02:55,461
while she's there
just feels super-weird.
74
00:02:55,586 --> 00:02:56,687
SHAUN: Jesus.
75
00:02:56,812 --> 00:02:59,157
I've heard worse names
on "Teen Mom Appalachia."
76
00:02:59,163 --> 00:03:01,222
- BOTH: Bye, Shaun.
- No, I don't get to hear any more
77
00:03:01,227 --> 00:03:02,405
- about Izzy's sad life?
- Bye.
78
00:03:02,426 --> 00:03:04,716
- No.
- [WHIMPERS]
79
00:03:05,190 --> 00:03:07,481
She's gotta leave the
house at some point, right?
80
00:03:07,760 --> 00:03:10,629
Oh, she did join this
daycare co-op down the street.
81
00:03:10,644 --> 00:03:13,310
She abducted Carmen's kids
so they'd let her in, so...
82
00:03:13,330 --> 00:03:15,394
Oh, problem solved: Just text Jack,
83
00:03:15,404 --> 00:03:17,894
pull a naughty nooner, ooh, la, and la.
84
00:03:17,914 --> 00:03:19,174
- Yeah. Uh...
- Hmm?
85
00:03:19,299 --> 00:03:21,446
Oh, God. You guys are lame.
86
00:03:21,506 --> 00:03:23,272
Seriously, you need poly therapy.
87
00:03:23,308 --> 00:03:26,039
You're like the deaf leading
the blind leading the stupid.
88
00:03:26,060 --> 00:03:28,759
- C'mon. That's not a thing, "poly therapy."
- [CLEARS THROAT]
89
00:03:29,601 --> 00:03:32,600
Hey, Siri, find, uh, "Poly
Therapists, Portland."
90
00:03:32,620 --> 00:03:34,983
SIRI: Here's what I found on
the Web for "Poly Therapist."
91
00:03:35,012 --> 00:03:36,072
- [CELLPHONE CHIMES]
- Hm. Oh.
92
00:03:36,096 --> 00:03:38,707
- There's 8 of 'em.
- Stop looking so smug,
93
00:03:38,723 --> 00:03:41,941
chick-who-tossed-away
eight-years-of-education-
94
00:03:41,961 --> 00:03:43,916
- five-minutes-into-her-fourth-session.
- [GASPS]
95
00:03:43,924 --> 00:03:46,298
- Oh! Oh, no, you didn't!
- Yeah, I did.
96
00:03:46,299 --> 00:03:48,036
- All right, I'm still a therapist, okay?
- Mm-hmm.
97
00:03:48,052 --> 00:03:50,761
In fact, you're, uh... You're
leaning on my office right now.
98
00:03:50,801 --> 00:03:52,562
- What?
- Mm-hmm.
99
00:03:52,687 --> 00:03:55,225
Mm. Yeah, give me $5, and
I'll cure you right up.
100
00:03:55,241 --> 00:03:56,371
[SCOFFS]
101
00:03:56,844 --> 00:03:58,556
No, I'm serious. Give me $5.
102
00:04:00,843 --> 00:04:02,785
I don't know why I do this with you.
103
00:04:02,818 --> 00:04:04,311
Honestly, every time, it's like...
104
00:04:04,332 --> 00:04:06,343
- I don't have a $5.
- Yeah.
105
00:04:06,380 --> 00:04:08,428
I'm a hot female bartender under 30.
106
00:04:08,444 --> 00:04:10,658
- People tip me for existing.
- Go on, then.
107
00:04:10,691 --> 00:04:15,474
Um, polyamory by its most fundamental
definition rejects monogamy.
108
00:04:15,486 --> 00:04:16,519
Well, duh.
109
00:04:16,552 --> 00:04:18,520
Yeah, I mean, you guys are
what is derisively known
110
00:04:18,523 --> 00:04:20,759
- as "polymonogamists."
- That's a thing?
111
00:04:20,779 --> 00:04:24,195
Uh, according to the preemptive
Portland poly authority,
112
00:04:24,224 --> 00:04:28,077
you guys are trying to jam your
pervy, triangular-shaped peg
113
00:04:28,110 --> 00:04:30,242
into the round hole that
is suburban monogamy,
114
00:04:30,259 --> 00:04:32,825
and you're doomed to break
one, the other, or both.
115
00:04:33,586 --> 00:04:35,338
You're so dumb.
116
00:04:35,508 --> 00:04:37,554
- That's, like...
- Dumb?
117
00:04:38,484 --> 00:04:40,326
So...
118
00:04:40,857 --> 00:04:43,731
- dumb.
- Well said. Scathing.
119
00:04:43,771 --> 00:04:44,844
Very convincing.
120
00:04:44,859 --> 00:04:46,099
- Mm-hmm.
- Mm.
121
00:04:46,224 --> 00:04:49,478
"Polymonogamy." That's so...
122
00:04:51,471 --> 00:04:53,424
dumb.
123
00:04:55,263 --> 00:04:57,096
[ROCK MUSIC PLAYS]
124
00:04:57,131 --> 00:05:02,702
♪♪
125
00:05:03,504 --> 00:05:04,541
Emma.
126
00:05:04,590 --> 00:05:06,969
- And Emma's practice kids! Hey!
- Hi!
127
00:05:07,002 --> 00:05:08,633
- Mwah! Mwah!
- Mwah! Mwah!
128
00:05:08,665 --> 00:05:10,207
- Oh, okay.
- Hey, kiddies.
129
00:05:10,264 --> 00:05:11,935
Okay. Go play, girls.
130
00:05:11,955 --> 00:05:13,488
Madame President!
131
00:05:13,489 --> 00:05:14,728
Oh, me? [CHUCKLES]
132
00:05:14,772 --> 00:05:17,298
It only took her two weeks
to get elected to a position
133
00:05:17,330 --> 00:05:19,820
- we didn't deem necessary until she showed up!
- Oh!
134
00:05:19,823 --> 00:05:21,369
- Thank you. Thank you.
- So impressive!
135
00:05:21,389 --> 00:05:22,895
Oh, my gosh. I am...
136
00:05:23,251 --> 00:05:25,328
I am so flattered. Thank you.
137
00:05:25,356 --> 00:05:26,862
Shiraz for everyone, yeah?
138
00:05:26,902 --> 00:05:28,157
- Yeah.
- Cool.
139
00:05:28,323 --> 00:05:29,707
I accept.
140
00:05:30,230 --> 00:05:31,763
♪♪
141
00:05:31,799 --> 00:05:34,816
Come on. Is there a
place in this building
142
00:05:34,835 --> 00:05:37,050
that you haven't prepped
for spontaneous sex?
143
00:05:37,069 --> 00:05:39,144
- Gross.
- Dude is seriously next-level,
144
00:05:39,160 --> 00:05:41,836
which is obviously
awesome, but also terrifying
145
00:05:41,871 --> 00:05:44,455
- in ways I don't even understand.
- [POOL BALLS CLINK]
146
00:05:46,371 --> 00:05:48,091
Really? "Strut"?
147
00:05:48,123 --> 00:05:50,482
Seriously? God. [SNIFFS]
148
00:05:50,684 --> 00:05:53,302
Even his antiperspirant is cocky now.
149
00:05:53,427 --> 00:05:54,959
[CHUCKLES]
150
00:05:54,997 --> 00:05:58,324
So, Shaun's now suddenly
your boss and a sex ninja
151
00:05:58,362 --> 00:06:00,430
while you're stuck in your
quarter-life crisis goop.
152
00:06:00,449 --> 00:06:03,447
That's a big-ass shift in the
power dynamic. That's rough.
153
00:06:03,519 --> 00:06:05,982
No, that guy worships the
ground I walk on, okay?
154
00:06:05,997 --> 00:06:07,894
And rightfully so, I might add.
155
00:06:07,899 --> 00:06:09,675
I don't know. He's been twinkling
156
00:06:09,695 --> 00:06:12,042
like a ginger-hued
shootin' star these days.
157
00:06:12,088 --> 00:06:14,622
Well, even suns become
big, black empty holes.
158
00:06:15,325 --> 00:06:19,524
Yeah, until they gradually
devour everything around them.
159
00:06:20,413 --> 00:06:22,276
- Comfy, right?
- Yeah, it's nice.
160
00:06:22,401 --> 00:06:25,483
Yeah, it's nice. It's, um...
It's one of our special places.
161
00:06:25,608 --> 00:06:27,412
- Gross!
- We really broke it in.
162
00:06:27,476 --> 00:06:29,652
Okay, well, I'm just gonna
hurry up and burn these clothes
163
00:06:29,676 --> 00:06:33,689
before I have to meet Nathan. We
grab smoothies before work, okay?
164
00:06:33,708 --> 00:06:35,049
- Alert TMZ.
- Mm.
165
00:06:35,055 --> 00:06:37,433
Aren't you two gettin'
real chummy real fast?
166
00:06:37,458 --> 00:06:38,792
Whatever. [SIGHS]
167
00:06:38,811 --> 00:06:40,374
He helped me, so I'm helping him.
168
00:06:40,406 --> 00:06:41,785
I give him "homework assignments"
169
00:06:41,804 --> 00:06:44,289
to pop that post-divorce
stick out of his ass.
170
00:06:44,327 --> 00:06:47,310
Like, this morning, he has to
order a smoothie with a stupid name.
171
00:06:47,350 --> 00:06:49,339
[CHUCKLES] And how cute is that?
172
00:06:49,637 --> 00:06:51,337
Stop making it something it's not, okay?
173
00:06:51,368 --> 00:06:53,320
He's a wounded bird.
He just needs a friend.
174
00:06:53,391 --> 00:06:56,193
Interesting. And does he
also dig pizza and downtown?
175
00:06:56,213 --> 00:06:59,214
Does he, um... Does he want
precisely three children?
176
00:06:59,254 --> 00:07:00,812
Zeppelin over Stones?
177
00:07:00,937 --> 00:07:02,163
[LAUGHS]
178
00:07:02,178 --> 00:07:04,025
At least one of those things is true.
179
00:07:04,090 --> 00:07:06,468
- You're test-driving him, hmm?
- SHAUN: Neen?
180
00:07:06,528 --> 00:07:08,092
- Neen?!
- [GASPS]
181
00:07:08,127 --> 00:07:09,831
[AS IGOR] Master's calling.
182
00:07:09,857 --> 00:07:11,041
You better go.
183
00:07:11,071 --> 00:07:12,553
[CHUCKLES]
184
00:07:14,961 --> 00:07:16,342
Oh, boy.
185
00:07:16,467 --> 00:07:19,074
♪♪
186
00:07:19,241 --> 00:07:21,670
[CAR ALARM CHIRPS, RINGTONE PLAYS]
187
00:07:26,537 --> 00:07:28,859
Hey. I should probably
lead with the fact
188
00:07:28,869 --> 00:07:30,145
- that I sold our children.
- [UP-TEMPO MUSIC PLAYS ON TV]
189
00:07:30,169 --> 00:07:31,510
Closet didn't work out.
190
00:07:31,535 --> 00:07:33,119
Made an executive decision.
191
00:07:33,139 --> 00:07:34,464
Wow. Okay.
192
00:07:34,525 --> 00:07:37,204
Well, can I say this now that
they're no longer in the picture?
193
00:07:37,239 --> 00:07:38,484
They were too loud.
194
00:07:38,535 --> 00:07:40,867
So much unmotivated vocalizing.
195
00:07:40,883 --> 00:07:43,221
And they don't know anything
about anything. They don't read.
196
00:07:43,245 --> 00:07:46,380
They don't travel. They're...
They're useless at trivia night.
197
00:07:46,635 --> 00:07:47,991
I'm still in bed, by the way.
198
00:07:48,031 --> 00:07:49,861
Oh, you masturbate to "Fluppies"?
199
00:07:49,885 --> 00:07:52,633
- That's not weird.
- I hadn't thought of that yet, but no.
200
00:07:52,664 --> 00:07:55,583
I'm trying to re-create the
last time inspiration struck.
201
00:07:55,588 --> 00:07:57,339
I'm confident the second book
202
00:07:57,464 --> 00:08:00,070
is at the bottom of this
glass of Rosé. I can feel it.
203
00:08:00,090 --> 00:08:04,034
- Oh, well, I'm happy one of us gets to...
- I miss you.
204
00:08:04,957 --> 00:08:06,519
- Really?
- Yeah.
205
00:08:06,570 --> 00:08:08,170
I mean, I might be a
little morning drunk,
206
00:08:08,177 --> 00:08:10,061
as it is commonly known.
207
00:08:10,099 --> 00:08:11,933
But is it? Is it really?
208
00:08:11,946 --> 00:08:13,679
I just can't stop thinking about you.
209
00:08:13,723 --> 00:08:16,329
Or the kid or home. You know.
210
00:08:16,454 --> 00:08:18,662
- Or you.
- [SIGHS]
211
00:08:18,700 --> 00:08:20,452
[KNOCK ON DOOR]
212
00:08:21,369 --> 00:08:22,993
Dave, I have a...
213
00:08:23,044 --> 00:08:24,928
I have a confession.
214
00:08:26,483 --> 00:08:28,456
It's been...
215
00:08:28,931 --> 00:08:34,615
really hard watching you live
your best Chrissy Teigen life
216
00:08:34,653 --> 00:08:38,745
while the local diddly-fuck
journalism association
217
00:08:38,771 --> 00:08:40,826
won't even toss me a craft shop plaque.
218
00:08:40,864 --> 00:08:43,533
Getting beat out by
Oregon Poultry Life
219
00:08:43,539 --> 00:08:46,151
is a hard chicken nugget to swallow.
220
00:08:46,796 --> 00:08:49,604
Really? Poultry
Life, chicken nugget,
221
00:08:49,629 --> 00:08:51,202
hard to swallow?
222
00:08:51,528 --> 00:08:53,307
Nothing? Dave? Are you still there?
223
00:08:53,332 --> 00:08:56,320
Honey! My... My breakfast dessert
is here. Will you please hold?
224
00:08:56,356 --> 00:08:59,467
Please hold.
♪ Ba-da-bup, da-da, bup-ba ♪
225
00:08:59,503 --> 00:09:01,932
- ♪ Ba-dup, ba-ba-ba, be-bup-bup ♪
- [CELLPHONE BEEPS]
226
00:09:03,353 --> 00:09:04,507
Hm.
227
00:09:05,038 --> 00:09:06,839
Breakfast dessert. Yeah.
228
00:09:07,269 --> 00:09:08,964
Love breakfast dessert.
229
00:09:09,232 --> 00:09:12,384
[ DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYS]
230
00:09:13,669 --> 00:09:15,794
- [SIGHS]
- Oh, my God.
231
00:09:15,824 --> 00:09:17,190
- [SNIFFLES]
- I'm broken.
232
00:09:17,231 --> 00:09:18,637
I can't with this show.
233
00:09:18,653 --> 00:09:20,171
- It broke me.
- Ugh!
234
00:09:20,191 --> 00:09:21,642
Actually, if everyone
could just put down their
235
00:09:21,652 --> 00:09:23,863
"Who We Are and Who We Aren't"
236
00:09:23,884 --> 00:09:26,074
discussion binders for
a minute, I have, um...
237
00:09:26,199 --> 00:09:28,665
Ooh! [SNIFFLES] I have
something important to say.
238
00:09:28,992 --> 00:09:31,648
First, thank you for
making me your president.
239
00:09:31,673 --> 00:09:34,203
- And as president...
- WILL: [PARROTLIKE] Polly likes to say president.
240
00:09:34,208 --> 00:09:36,378
Bawk! Polly likes to say president.
241
00:09:36,423 --> 00:09:39,861
Very clever, Will. I will
never tire of your parrot jokes.
242
00:09:39,986 --> 00:09:42,881
Anyway, I always assume
that as "stay-at-home moms,"
243
00:09:42,917 --> 00:09:45,877
you'd given up on your
dreams, your careers,
244
00:09:45,897 --> 00:09:48,093
proper fashion, fitness...
245
00:09:48,163 --> 00:09:51,851
but I realize I didn't
know "Who You Are" at all.
246
00:09:51,881 --> 00:09:54,016
And, today, when Sebastian revealed...
247
00:09:54,663 --> 00:09:56,444
When Sebastian revealed to Chloe
248
00:09:56,449 --> 00:09:58,427
that he wore those off-brand polo tops
249
00:09:58,442 --> 00:10:00,208
because his deceased wife bought them...
250
00:10:00,233 --> 00:10:01,989
Rest in peace, Agnes!
251
00:10:02,004 --> 00:10:04,790
- WOMAN: I can't believe it.
- ... I realized how judge-y I'd been.
252
00:10:04,871 --> 00:10:07,517
And I owe you all an apology.
253
00:10:07,642 --> 00:10:12,358
I have gotten to know
each and every one of you,
254
00:10:12,409 --> 00:10:16,710
and I see how truly unique
and accomplished you are.
255
00:10:16,745 --> 00:10:18,212
Michelle.
256
00:10:18,683 --> 00:10:20,828
I always thought those
homemade relish trays
257
00:10:20,858 --> 00:10:23,236
you brought to every
single neighborhood event
258
00:10:23,241 --> 00:10:26,398
was a little bit tired,
but I had never tried it.
259
00:10:26,444 --> 00:10:30,335
Your cranberry-pickle next-levels
a Brie like nothing else.
260
00:10:30,649 --> 00:10:31,990
Audrey.
261
00:10:32,931 --> 00:10:34,995
[SIGHS] I thought your choice of Crocs
262
00:10:35,021 --> 00:10:36,296
for the Christmas party was...
263
00:10:36,421 --> 00:10:38,097
well, frankly, a call for help.
264
00:10:38,163 --> 00:10:40,313
But I now realize that plantar fasciitis
265
00:10:40,343 --> 00:10:41,978
is the price you paid for late nights
266
00:10:41,998 --> 00:10:43,496
walking the halls with a colic-y baby
267
00:10:43,501 --> 00:10:45,070
and those long days petitioning
268
00:10:45,090 --> 00:10:48,237
for that life-saving "Slow
Children at Play" sign,
269
00:10:48,242 --> 00:10:51,354
which, you know, could be
misinterpreted. It probably is.
270
00:10:51,804 --> 00:10:54,131
But most definitely saves lives.
271
00:10:54,157 --> 00:10:55,644
MARTY: Yeah. Needs a comma.
272
00:10:55,674 --> 00:10:57,946
Do something. She's going full Kanye.
273
00:10:57,966 --> 00:11:00,637
- Well...
- You've all been so helpful
274
00:11:00,652 --> 00:11:02,376
and welcoming with "my" kids.
275
00:11:02,392 --> 00:11:05,134
And my version of
success was too tied up
276
00:11:05,154 --> 00:11:07,243
in titles and money,
277
00:11:07,279 --> 00:11:09,125
- and I really...
- Money and titles!
278
00:11:09,171 --> 00:11:10,947
That is a wonderful speech.
279
00:11:10,972 --> 00:11:12,430
- That's what you need to be.
- Whoo!
280
00:11:12,475 --> 00:11:14,909
- I... I... I was just getting started.
- We know. We know.
281
00:11:14,924 --> 00:11:16,168
- We're just... It's...
- WOMAN: Thank you.
282
00:11:16,188 --> 00:11:17,908
We're just gonna go to
the next episode now.
283
00:11:17,971 --> 00:11:22,118
♪♪
284
00:11:22,144 --> 00:11:23,859
Uh, my name.
285
00:11:24,527 --> 00:11:25,974
Mike.
286
00:11:26,475 --> 00:11:27,780
Ahk.
287
00:11:31,115 --> 00:11:32,562
Yep.
288
00:11:34,140 --> 00:11:35,673
Okay.
289
00:11:36,458 --> 00:11:38,957
- Thank you.
- [POPS LIPS]
290
00:11:39,407 --> 00:11:41,441
- See? You survived.
- Yeah.
291
00:11:41,471 --> 00:11:43,328
Her disapproval gutted me.
292
00:11:43,526 --> 00:11:45,751
You know, I have four meal subscriptions
293
00:11:45,771 --> 00:11:48,412
because the cold callers were all
woman I didn't want to disappoint?
294
00:11:48,433 --> 00:11:49,756
[CHUCKLES]
295
00:11:51,023 --> 00:11:53,496
- Okay, so...
- [SIGHS]
296
00:11:53,520 --> 00:11:56,604
Your next "Izzy-Does-
Hawthorne" assignment.
297
00:11:56,633 --> 00:11:59,798
- Mm-hmm.
- Organize a suburban gathering.
298
00:11:59,818 --> 00:12:02,530
- Oh.
- Block party, uh, baby shower,
299
00:12:02,555 --> 00:12:04,056
clam bake, your call,
300
00:12:04,100 --> 00:12:07,204
but there must be at least
three mayonnaise-based salads...
301
00:12:07,225 --> 00:12:09,645
- Mm.
- ... and I will need to see
302
00:12:09,653 --> 00:12:11,511
the aggressively dorky E-vite.
303
00:12:11,567 --> 00:12:13,704
Mm-hmm. I assume you'll be in attendance
304
00:12:13,720 --> 00:12:16,712
to verify that it's all
suitably humiliating?
305
00:12:16,740 --> 00:12:18,703
Uh, I'll show up if... if you promise
306
00:12:18,715 --> 00:12:22,317
to get the, uh, Housewife
Wedge with that lump in...
307
00:12:22,326 --> 00:12:24,289
on the crown, yeah.
308
00:12:24,564 --> 00:12:26,073
- Well, the joke's on you...
- Oh?
309
00:12:26,090 --> 00:12:27,891
... because I've always
wanted that haircut.
310
00:12:27,943 --> 00:12:29,421
- Oh.
- Also, I'm already planning
311
00:12:29,437 --> 00:12:31,202
the EJI Anniversary Party, so...
312
00:12:31,327 --> 00:12:32,776
- Edgy?
- Yeah, EJI.
313
00:12:32,796 --> 00:12:34,205
- Hmm.
- Emma-Jack-Izzy.
314
00:12:34,330 --> 00:12:36,278
- Oh.
- I have a tattoo on my ass. You wanna see it?
315
00:12:36,302 --> 00:12:37,856
No. No, because that, you know.
316
00:12:37,876 --> 00:12:39,746
Uh, I can't believe I'm saying this,
317
00:12:39,750 --> 00:12:42,899
but, uh, I don't need
evidence of your poor choices.
318
00:12:42,911 --> 00:12:44,777
You kind of radiate
their collective sum.
319
00:12:44,801 --> 00:12:45,939
- Shut up.
- Ow.
320
00:12:45,943 --> 00:12:47,719
My Cock? [MIKE AHK]
321
00:12:48,363 --> 00:12:49,403
Thank you.
322
00:12:49,443 --> 00:12:51,123
Your next assignment
323
00:12:51,131 --> 00:12:54,600
is inappropriate day
drinking before 5:00 p.m.
324
00:12:54,626 --> 00:12:57,630
Uh, you do know I am the vice principal
325
00:12:57,635 --> 00:13:00,058
of a very prestigious
private school, right?
326
00:13:00,183 --> 00:13:02,698
- Right?
- Well, we work exclusively with teenagers.
327
00:13:02,743 --> 00:13:04,839
So how is that not a reason to drink?
328
00:13:05,046 --> 00:13:06,240
Fair.
329
00:13:06,410 --> 00:13:08,138
- Mm...
- All right, come on, Mike Ahk.
330
00:13:09,121 --> 00:13:11,262
That's my name!
331
00:13:11,849 --> 00:13:13,849
♪♪
332
00:13:13,884 --> 00:13:16,256
[ROCK MUSIC PLAYS]
333
00:13:16,677 --> 00:13:18,283
You feeling it? You feeling it?
334
00:13:18,466 --> 00:13:20,198
There's a dead animal on the wall.
335
00:13:20,599 --> 00:13:22,894
Straight razors, strong black coffee.
336
00:13:23,076 --> 00:13:25,464
Upstairs there's a
tequila bar/boxing club.
337
00:13:25,496 --> 00:13:27,026
- Made a reservation.
- Mm.
338
00:13:27,111 --> 00:13:28,398
If there was an aerial
photo of this place,
339
00:13:28,410 --> 00:13:30,482
it'd be shaped like a turgid penis.
340
00:13:30,607 --> 00:13:31,935
Or should be.
341
00:13:32,752 --> 00:13:34,404
Uh, coffee. Black.
342
00:13:35,047 --> 00:13:37,131
I'll have a medium
roast, if you have it.
343
00:13:37,402 --> 00:13:38,726
Light and sweet.
344
00:13:39,386 --> 00:13:42,369
Also, agave, 'cause I usually have...
345
00:13:42,494 --> 00:13:43,756
Um, anything but stevia,
346
00:13:43,757 --> 00:13:47,441
'cause that really makes my
stomach turn into... What?
347
00:13:47,469 --> 00:13:49,505
Um... do you not...
348
00:13:50,654 --> 00:13:52,427
- Mm.
- Uh, black is fine.
349
00:13:52,440 --> 00:13:54,759
- Yeah.
- Yeah. Yeah, that's cool. Just black.
350
00:13:54,791 --> 00:13:57,835
Well, this Nathan dude
clearly isn't the solution
351
00:13:57,855 --> 00:14:01,293
to your inability to relate to other
men who aren't equally effeminate.
352
00:14:01,318 --> 00:14:04,198
Nathan's a good guy. He just
needs an ear and a shoulder,
353
00:14:04,213 --> 00:14:05,610
and I happen to have two of both.
354
00:14:05,645 --> 00:14:07,202
That's the problem right
there: We're not "women."
355
00:14:07,226 --> 00:14:08,780
We don't "listen" to each other.
356
00:14:08,825 --> 00:14:11,285
We wage battle until
we know the sweet peace
357
00:14:11,302 --> 00:14:13,236
of occupying our rightful
place in the hierarchy.
358
00:14:13,248 --> 00:14:14,956
That's what we do. Right?
359
00:14:15,559 --> 00:14:17,818
You know, this joint
may be hipster bullshit,
360
00:14:18,441 --> 00:14:21,007
and this guy's attempt to
stare us down laughable...
361
00:14:21,047 --> 00:14:23,112
Excuse me, pal? You
wanna go a few rounds?
362
00:14:23,140 --> 00:14:24,973
So fucking much. Let's
do it. Wanna do it?
363
00:14:24,978 --> 00:14:27,230
Let's do it. You wanna fucking do it?
364
00:14:27,306 --> 00:14:28,662
Well...
365
00:14:28,879 --> 00:14:31,248
- I'm working right now, so...
- Thought so.
366
00:14:33,267 --> 00:14:35,736
[LAUGHS] Damn.
367
00:14:38,220 --> 00:14:39,892
Punk's like 25 and works out.
368
00:14:39,896 --> 00:14:42,138
He could take me without breaking
a sweat. It's just all about these.
369
00:14:42,162 --> 00:14:44,056
I know. You have an intimidating face.
370
00:14:44,076 --> 00:14:45,076
- Just like this, right?
- Yeah.
371
00:14:45,084 --> 00:14:46,324
But hold on a second. See them?
372
00:14:46,513 --> 00:14:47,581
- Yeah.
- Right?
373
00:14:47,638 --> 00:14:49,078
You know, Dad used to do that.
374
00:14:49,544 --> 00:14:50,681
Mm.
375
00:14:50,940 --> 00:14:52,268
I just want, like, someday,
376
00:14:52,284 --> 00:14:54,425
for my girls to see me be
able to do that, you know?
377
00:14:54,939 --> 00:14:57,121
I've been thinking
about Dad a lot lately.
378
00:14:59,626 --> 00:15:01,666
- What?
- What? What what?
379
00:15:01,691 --> 00:15:03,609
No. What? [SCOFFS]
380
00:15:04,633 --> 00:15:05,661
Just... [SIGHS]
381
00:15:05,718 --> 00:15:07,219
he was such a cool guy, you know?
382
00:15:07,236 --> 00:15:09,373
Like, he could just
attract friends like flies.
383
00:15:09,405 --> 00:15:11,732
Every weekend, the basement was packed.
384
00:15:11,914 --> 00:15:13,428
How do you become a guy like that?
385
00:15:13,436 --> 00:15:15,278
For starters, no more
Nathan. That's one.
386
00:15:15,310 --> 00:15:18,803
Ehh. Well, he's hanging
out with Izzy more, anyway.
387
00:15:19,216 --> 00:15:21,191
They've been working
together for like two weeks,
388
00:15:21,211 --> 00:15:23,276
and they're already giving each
other "homework assignments."
389
00:15:23,300 --> 00:15:25,429
- Ooh!
- She's making him less pathetic,
390
00:15:25,445 --> 00:15:27,792
and he's making her more
suburban, so it works out.
391
00:15:28,319 --> 00:15:29,824
[CHUCKLES] How playful.
392
00:15:30,030 --> 00:15:32,179
A little back and forth,
a little note passing.
393
00:15:32,227 --> 00:15:33,720
Fuck you. They're just friends.
394
00:15:33,753 --> 00:15:35,401
Yeah? Like "Harry Met Sally"?
395
00:15:35,405 --> 00:15:37,040
Like those kind of friends?
How'd that end again?
396
00:15:37,060 --> 00:15:38,857
Mm, I don't know. I
don't watch Rom-coms,
397
00:15:38,869 --> 00:15:41,246
- 'cause I'm not a girl.
- [CHUCKLES] Nice. Well played.
398
00:15:41,278 --> 00:15:43,104
- Yeah.
- Yeah. Well, learned from the best.
399
00:15:43,439 --> 00:15:44,925
Nathan and I went to this...
400
00:15:44,954 --> 00:15:46,149
- You're gonna love this.
- Okay.
401
00:15:46,172 --> 00:15:49,024
It was an all-male
"emotional recovery circle."
402
00:15:49,043 --> 00:15:50,411
You know, "emotional recovery groups"
403
00:15:50,431 --> 00:15:51,564
are part of the plot by women
404
00:15:51,588 --> 00:15:52,733
to make all men their gay best friends,
405
00:15:52,757 --> 00:15:54,862
- and that's the truth.
- You sound like Mom.
406
00:15:55,044 --> 00:15:56,441
And Alex Jones.
407
00:15:56,469 --> 00:15:57,696
But mostly Mom.
408
00:15:58,979 --> 00:16:00,193
Yeah, well, you know Mom was trying
409
00:16:00,209 --> 00:16:01,586
to help you the only
way she knew how, right?
410
00:16:01,610 --> 00:16:05,143
Okay. Says the guy that she
refers to as her only son.
411
00:16:05,839 --> 00:16:07,678
What is it? What is that look?
412
00:16:07,724 --> 00:16:09,019
- What?
- You're... Pshh!
413
00:16:09,085 --> 00:16:11,371
What is up with these expressions
414
00:16:11,399 --> 00:16:13,216
of flickering humanity that
I'm seeing in your face?
415
00:16:13,237 --> 00:16:14,544
It's really throwing me off.
416
00:16:14,669 --> 00:16:16,952
MAN: Trakarsky and Trakarsky, you're up!
417
00:16:17,624 --> 00:16:19,752
Hey, you ready to let me
knock some man into you? Hey?
418
00:16:19,764 --> 00:16:22,148
Oh, no. Hey, you serious?
You thought we were boxing?
419
00:16:22,180 --> 00:16:24,617
I'm going home for a nooner with Izzy.
420
00:16:24,638 --> 00:16:26,195
- What?
- Yeah. Well, technically,
421
00:16:26,202 --> 00:16:28,799
it's an after-school special.
We're trying to figure out if we can
422
00:16:28,823 --> 00:16:30,494
have sex in twos.
423
00:16:30,523 --> 00:16:31,961
Well, I'm sure that made sense to you.
424
00:16:31,985 --> 00:16:33,191
It does.
425
00:16:33,247 --> 00:16:35,557
Anyway, good luck. Maybe you
can punch yourself in the face
426
00:16:35,569 --> 00:16:37,507
- and knock some sense in yourself?
- Ooh!
427
00:16:37,632 --> 00:16:39,274
- And he leaves with a bang.
- Zinger!
428
00:16:39,305 --> 00:16:40,913
All right, nice.
429
00:16:41,606 --> 00:16:45,608
♪♪
430
00:16:45,633 --> 00:16:48,255
- [DIALING]
- EMMA: Hi. It's Emma Trakarsky.
431
00:16:48,290 --> 00:16:49,671
Please leave a
message, your number,
432
00:16:49,676 --> 00:16:50,739
and I will call you back.
433
00:16:50,764 --> 00:16:52,530
- [BEEP]
- Hey, Em, it's Gabe.
434
00:16:52,879 --> 00:16:54,412
We need to talk.
435
00:16:55,166 --> 00:16:58,666
♪♪
436
00:16:59,076 --> 00:17:01,019
So, it's your protégé's first day?
437
00:17:01,060 --> 00:17:02,307
Yeah. I'm actually
kind of nervous for her.
438
00:17:02,315 --> 00:17:03,599
- Hey!
- Hi.
439
00:17:03,821 --> 00:17:05,269
- Hey!
- Hi!
440
00:17:05,290 --> 00:17:09,402
Oh. Dang. You are the most
popular girl in school.
441
00:17:09,446 --> 00:17:12,532
Well, it makes up for my actual
high-school experience. Hey!
442
00:17:12,583 --> 00:17:14,811
Where the jock chicks
called me Dizzy Silva
443
00:17:14,830 --> 00:17:16,345
and dumped slushies down my back, so...
444
00:17:16,369 --> 00:17:17,406
- Hey!
- Huh.
445
00:17:17,452 --> 00:17:19,248
Freaks, geeks, and cheerleader villains?
446
00:17:19,258 --> 00:17:21,064
Kind of a tropey adolescence, Iz.
447
00:17:21,084 --> 00:17:23,128
That's Dr. Silva to you, Gabriel.
448
00:17:23,163 --> 00:17:26,624
Ohh-kay.
449
00:17:26,665 --> 00:17:29,302
[POP MUSIC PLAYS]
450
00:17:29,934 --> 00:17:36,329
♪♪
451
00:17:38,976 --> 00:17:43,686
♪♪
452
00:17:47,197 --> 00:17:48,821
For the record, I'm not stoned,
453
00:17:48,841 --> 00:17:52,150
but is she walking
in actual slow motion?
454
00:17:53,830 --> 00:17:55,383
Excuse me.
455
00:17:55,508 --> 00:17:56,875
I'll, um...
456
00:17:57,000 --> 00:17:58,707
Orientation.
457
00:17:58,832 --> 00:18:00,351
♪♪
458
00:18:00,432 --> 00:18:02,370
[SMOOCHES]
459
00:18:02,495 --> 00:18:04,788
My office. Now.
460
00:18:05,983 --> 00:18:08,093
- Ow!
- Hello.
461
00:18:10,167 --> 00:18:11,988
Sit down. [CHUCKLES]
462
00:18:12,241 --> 00:18:17,148
Orientation is quite the set things...
463
00:18:17,173 --> 00:18:19,788
Okay, so, here's the dealio, okay?
464
00:18:19,808 --> 00:18:23,360
We're gonna go ahead and
tone down this lovely ensemble
465
00:18:23,380 --> 00:18:25,232
from the Shirley
Manson Kmart collection,
466
00:18:25,247 --> 00:18:27,614
and please tell me that
this anime hair is temporary.
467
00:18:27,640 --> 00:18:29,810
Izzy. I really appreciate
468
00:18:29,840 --> 00:18:31,960
everything that you have done for me,
469
00:18:32,026 --> 00:18:33,781
but New Girl Status has a shelf life
470
00:18:33,802 --> 00:18:36,433
of roughly two weeks,
so it's ride or die.
471
00:18:36,463 --> 00:18:37,677
What are you talking about?
472
00:18:37,697 --> 00:18:40,059
Hawthorne is chill, so you chill.
473
00:18:40,085 --> 00:18:43,991
I'm digging the groovy
intolerance-for-intolerance vibe,
474
00:18:44,047 --> 00:18:46,324
but high-school hierarchy
is eternal and real,
475
00:18:46,339 --> 00:18:47,811
and it's comin' for me.
476
00:18:47,821 --> 00:18:50,174
I don't have a response for
that, so, just, whatever.
477
00:18:50,204 --> 00:18:52,116
Find somebody to be your ambassador
478
00:18:52,152 --> 00:18:53,705
and show you around, okay?
479
00:18:54,544 --> 00:18:55,708
Hey.
480
00:18:55,728 --> 00:18:59,057
I was just coming in to pick
up this month's Off Campus Pass.
481
00:18:59,072 --> 00:19:00,291
You've never done that before.
482
00:19:00,416 --> 00:19:02,245
You know, I'm an off-campus kinda guy.
483
00:19:02,275 --> 00:19:04,612
Always doing cool
off-campus kinda stuff.
484
00:19:05,750 --> 00:19:08,062
Hey, are you the new girl?
I... I didn't see you come in.
485
00:19:08,933 --> 00:19:11,078
Oh, hey. Off Campus Guy, right?
486
00:19:11,093 --> 00:19:14,175
- Yeah, New Girl.
- Oh, my God. Just show her around.
487
00:19:14,230 --> 00:19:15,652
Yes!
488
00:19:15,777 --> 00:19:17,013
C'mon, handsome.
489
00:19:17,069 --> 00:19:19,725
Sasha. Just... Mm...
490
00:19:19,850 --> 00:19:21,729
- Okay, Sash...
- [CELLPHONE CHIMES]
491
00:19:23,353 --> 00:19:24,878
[CELLPHONE CHIMES]
492
00:19:24,913 --> 00:19:26,272
[CHUCKLES]
493
00:19:28,220 --> 00:19:30,851
That doesn't even make any sense.
494
00:19:31,640 --> 00:19:34,301
♪♪
495
00:19:34,789 --> 00:19:36,138
Hey, babe!
496
00:19:36,305 --> 00:19:38,785
Is it me, or do these
kick-ass new glasses
497
00:19:38,815 --> 00:19:40,905
scream out for artisanal hot dogs?
498
00:19:41,507 --> 00:19:43,410
Babe, do artisanal hot dogs exist,
499
00:19:43,425 --> 00:19:46,157
or did I just come up
with my new business?
500
00:19:46,401 --> 00:19:48,858
You know what? That is it, mister!
501
00:19:48,937 --> 00:19:51,995
What, did something bad happen to
you involving high-class wieners?
502
00:19:52,020 --> 00:19:53,947
Just because you're
suddenly an entrepreneur
503
00:19:53,957 --> 00:19:55,272
with a magical penis doesn't mean
504
00:19:55,292 --> 00:19:57,205
that you're the new
sheriff in town. Capisce?
505
00:19:57,468 --> 00:19:59,395
Not in the slightest.
No capisce-ing over here.
506
00:19:59,416 --> 00:20:01,252
Get me a beer! Now!
507
00:20:01,288 --> 00:20:03,049
Is that clear enough?
508
00:20:04,865 --> 00:20:06,767
[SIGHS]
509
00:20:07,020 --> 00:20:12,458
♪♪
510
00:20:12,493 --> 00:20:16,136
♪♪
511
00:20:17,776 --> 00:20:19,880
You... You were serious?
512
00:20:19,916 --> 00:20:22,713
- You actually named the bar "Therapy"?
- I actually did.
513
00:20:22,733 --> 00:20:24,651
And you're the star attraction.
514
00:20:24,990 --> 00:20:26,455
Huh.
515
00:20:28,899 --> 00:20:31,012
Ahh! Oh.
516
00:20:34,629 --> 00:20:36,241
- Mm.
- Mm.
517
00:20:36,292 --> 00:20:37,696
Getting good, huh?
518
00:20:37,753 --> 00:20:40,156
Firm. Yet gentle.
519
00:20:40,198 --> 00:20:41,594
What? Uh...
520
00:20:41,645 --> 00:20:43,997
What's going on here?
What's with that face?
521
00:20:44,498 --> 00:20:45,733
How... How's that?
522
00:20:45,748 --> 00:20:48,940
Uh, you named the bar after
me, you just fetched me a beer,
523
00:20:48,950 --> 00:20:50,721
and now you're massaging my feet, so...
524
00:20:50,756 --> 00:20:53,831
- what's with the cocky demeanor, huh?
- Uh...
525
00:20:55,162 --> 00:20:56,482
Oh, God.
526
00:20:56,932 --> 00:20:59,249
Oh, God, you're topping
me from the bottom.
527
00:20:59,374 --> 00:21:00,843
- Am I supposed to know what that means?
- Oh, please!
528
00:21:00,863 --> 00:21:02,168
That's street-level S&M
529
00:21:02,194 --> 00:21:05,087
for a slave who subtly and
insidiously seizes control!
530
00:21:08,315 --> 00:21:10,081
I'm onto you, Topper.
531
00:21:10,750 --> 00:21:14,300
♪♪
532
00:21:15,211 --> 00:21:17,524
I mean, how did I not think
this was gonna get weird?
533
00:21:18,357 --> 00:21:19,694
♪♪
534
00:21:19,819 --> 00:21:21,885
Up here, we got the "Contour Club."
535
00:21:21,905 --> 00:21:24,380
If you could see through their
eyes, we're not even here.
536
00:21:24,769 --> 00:21:26,934
From there, we've got the
approachable J-Law version,
537
00:21:26,970 --> 00:21:30,091
"Chill Chicks." Running laterally,
we've got the "Meme Trash,"
538
00:21:30,111 --> 00:21:31,562
and the "Woke Pixie Girls."
539
00:21:31,603 --> 00:21:33,975
Then we have the "Sporty
Spices," the "Cybergoths,"
540
00:21:34,100 --> 00:21:36,039
and, finally, "The SadGirlz."
541
00:21:36,079 --> 00:21:38,999
And, uh, sexually, it's best not
to identify with anyone or anything.
542
00:21:39,057 --> 00:21:40,905
Oh, I actually did my
homework on this one.
543
00:21:40,930 --> 00:21:43,884
Basically everyone's
pansexual now, right?
544
00:21:43,934 --> 00:21:45,806
So fucking cool.
545
00:21:46,299 --> 00:21:48,626
Yeah, #MeToo. [CHUCKLES]
546
00:21:49,372 --> 00:21:51,472
Sorry. Appropriation foul.
547
00:21:51,597 --> 00:21:53,028
Get woke.
548
00:21:53,091 --> 00:21:55,058
[CHUCKLES] You're pan?
549
00:21:55,121 --> 00:21:58,701
Some people don't see
color. I don't see anything.
550
00:21:58,997 --> 00:22:01,553
Not like I'm legally
blind. I just... I...
551
00:22:01,932 --> 00:22:03,779
Uh, yes, I'm pan.
552
00:22:03,811 --> 00:22:05,335
Really?
553
00:22:05,657 --> 00:22:08,353
- Cool.
- Yeah, it is.
554
00:22:08,783 --> 00:22:11,483
Hey, Alex! What's up?
555
00:22:11,768 --> 00:22:14,747
Oh. Gabriel, right?
556
00:22:14,797 --> 00:22:16,891
[CHUCKLES] Always joshing, this one.
557
00:22:16,903 --> 00:22:18,908
That's... That's why
we call him the Josher.
558
00:22:19,033 --> 00:22:21,583
Yeah, it's... it's a
bit of a placeholder.
559
00:22:21,596 --> 00:22:23,419
But, hey, have you seen
"Alex Strangelove" yet?
560
00:22:23,443 --> 00:22:26,386
Oh, it was so awesome.
It was super-cathartic.
561
00:22:26,511 --> 00:22:28,627
So there for it. So stoked.
562
00:22:28,673 --> 00:22:30,626
What's your favorite part?
563
00:22:31,800 --> 00:22:35,741
You know, the part where they finally...
564
00:22:35,866 --> 00:22:37,577
- kissed?
- Oh, at the prom!
565
00:22:37,608 --> 00:22:39,196
That was... That was so peak.
566
00:22:39,217 --> 00:22:41,200
So peak. Best scene ever.
567
00:22:41,235 --> 00:22:42,667
Wow. Okay.
568
00:22:42,733 --> 00:22:45,936
Kind of an "Alex Strangelove"
super-fan, aren't ya?
569
00:22:47,489 --> 00:22:49,528
I'd... I'd see it again.
570
00:22:49,780 --> 00:22:54,552
♪♪
571
00:22:56,565 --> 00:22:58,048
Take off your pants.
572
00:22:58,079 --> 00:23:00,510
- Ask nicely.
- Maybe I wasn't asking.
573
00:23:01,291 --> 00:23:04,752
♪♪
574
00:23:05,480 --> 00:23:07,604
[SOUTHERN ACCENT] Oh,
Mister Fiftyshades...
575
00:23:07,630 --> 00:23:09,950
Oh, that's not my character's
name, but I like the accent.
576
00:23:09,990 --> 00:23:12,480
- Take off your clothes.
- What does it look like I'm doing?
577
00:23:12,508 --> 00:23:13,975
- Do it faster.
- I don't know, man.
578
00:23:14,000 --> 00:23:16,934
If I do it any faster, it's
gonna look a little cartoonish.
579
00:23:20,437 --> 00:23:21,904
Absolutely not.
580
00:23:22,029 --> 00:23:23,998
Maybe that's the way I'm
taking off my belt now,
581
00:23:24,029 --> 00:23:25,591
- like I really mean it.
- Is it?
582
00:23:25,623 --> 00:23:27,305
No.
583
00:23:29,266 --> 00:23:31,062
This was such a good idea.
584
00:23:31,069 --> 00:23:33,532
Emma's perfectly happy at Binge Club.
585
00:23:33,920 --> 00:23:36,558
- She did insist?
- Yeah, I mean, she...
586
00:23:36,614 --> 00:23:38,451
I mean, she really
strongly suggested it.
587
00:23:38,486 --> 00:23:40,889
Okay. No, but did she mean it?
588
00:23:40,919 --> 00:23:42,431
Like, was she just trying to tell us
589
00:23:42,436 --> 00:23:43,706
what we wanted to hear, or...
590
00:23:43,746 --> 00:23:45,674
- Yes?
- Oh, no. We're losing it.
591
00:23:45,689 --> 00:23:46,979
Oh, shit.
592
00:23:47,045 --> 00:23:48,761
Not on my watch.
593
00:23:49,353 --> 00:23:51,715
- Aah!
- Ooh, shit!
594
00:23:51,716 --> 00:23:53,268
Are you okay? I didn't mean that.
595
00:23:53,304 --> 00:23:55,707
- Fuck, man!
- I'm sorry. I... [SIGHS]
596
00:23:55,748 --> 00:23:58,837
I've just been questioning my
masculinity a lot lately, and...
597
00:23:58,962 --> 00:24:00,522
been thinking about my dad a lot.
598
00:24:00,537 --> 00:24:02,678
Oh, hey, hey, let's not
talk about our parents
599
00:24:02,705 --> 00:24:04,630
- when we're trying to have sex. Yeah.
- No. Right. Sorry.
600
00:24:04,654 --> 00:24:06,208
♪ Yeah, yeah ♪
601
00:24:06,289 --> 00:24:09,071
Apology accepted.
602
00:24:11,359 --> 00:24:12,793
Oh.
603
00:24:14,430 --> 00:24:17,328
- Um...
- I kissed you on the nose.
604
00:24:17,733 --> 00:24:19,385
- Ah, fuck.
- [SIGHS]
605
00:24:19,398 --> 00:24:20,992
- We lost it, didn't we?
- Yeah.
606
00:24:21,012 --> 00:24:22,490
- Shit.
- [SIGHS]
607
00:24:22,510 --> 00:24:24,746
Sex has left the building,
608
00:24:24,792 --> 00:24:28,086
slammed the door, seemed
really disappointed in us.
609
00:24:28,376 --> 00:24:30,550
Like, 10 minutes of calm meditation.
610
00:24:30,575 --> 00:24:32,502
Then I'm gonna hit dat. All of it.
611
00:24:32,538 --> 00:24:36,343
If the rental house is
a-rockin', don't ring the...
612
00:24:36,647 --> 00:24:38,038
wireless...
613
00:24:38,529 --> 00:24:39,839
doorbell...
614
00:24:40,436 --> 00:24:42,242
with webcam capability.
615
00:24:42,288 --> 00:24:44,226
- Good one, honey.
- Thanks.
616
00:24:44,271 --> 00:24:47,115
It seems stupid now maybe,
but I bought some stuff.
617
00:24:47,240 --> 00:24:49,513
- Oh.
- Let me be the judge of that.
618
00:24:49,638 --> 00:24:52,342
♪♪
619
00:24:56,359 --> 00:24:57,887
Oh.
620
00:24:58,505 --> 00:25:02,263
♪♪
621
00:25:02,754 --> 00:25:04,181
We can have fun with these.
622
00:25:04,212 --> 00:25:05,689
Yep.
623
00:25:06,379 --> 00:25:08,255
♪♪
624
00:25:08,380 --> 00:25:10,997
- Ew.
- Oh, it was three for one, so...
625
00:25:11,122 --> 00:25:12,786
- Okay.
- Yeah.
626
00:25:13,220 --> 00:25:16,631
♪♪
627
00:25:16,756 --> 00:25:19,080
- Are you thinking what I'm thinking?
- Oh, yeah.
628
00:25:19,131 --> 00:25:20,611
- Yeah?
- [CHUCKLES]
629
00:25:20,642 --> 00:25:22,148
What are you thinking?
630
00:25:22,173 --> 00:25:23,458
Is it the same as I'm...
631
00:25:23,503 --> 00:25:24,829
Just give me a hint.
632
00:25:24,889 --> 00:25:26,180
AUDREY: I don't mean to offend anyone,
633
00:25:26,200 --> 00:25:27,986
but I think that she was an evil slut,
634
00:25:27,991 --> 00:25:30,756
- and that she deserved to die.
- I'm gonna stop you right there, okay?
635
00:25:30,771 --> 00:25:32,683
As someone who identifies as an Agnes...
636
00:25:32,719 --> 00:25:35,279
Oh, wait. You identify
as a dead narrator?
637
00:25:35,345 --> 00:25:37,940
I place a very high value
on perspective. I do.
638
00:25:37,960 --> 00:25:39,515
- Yeah, but that doesn't...
- Not to break up your, uh,
639
00:25:39,539 --> 00:25:41,592
emotional circle jerk,
but Lala's outside
640
00:25:41,593 --> 00:25:43,652
- ticketing all your cars.
- Wait, what?!
641
00:25:43,672 --> 00:25:45,953
- No!
- Oh!
642
00:25:47,345 --> 00:25:50,219
EMMA: Lala? I seriously
have to call her Lala?
643
00:25:50,269 --> 00:25:53,400
Hi! Hi. Excuse me. Um... [CHUCKLES]
644
00:25:53,525 --> 00:25:54,605
What do you think you're doing?
645
00:25:54,620 --> 00:25:57,215
Don't worry. No biggie. Minor fine.
646
00:25:57,236 --> 00:25:59,512
- Ah. Well, are you a cop?
- Oh, dear Lord, no.
647
00:25:59,532 --> 00:26:00,818
No, I'm Lala.
648
00:26:00,868 --> 00:26:02,341
So, that's... that's, like, a nickname?
649
00:26:02,365 --> 00:26:03,731
It's, like, not.
650
00:26:03,792 --> 00:26:05,578
Shall I tell my parents
you don't approve?
651
00:26:05,593 --> 00:26:07,824
This is Lala. Hi, Lala!
652
00:26:07,850 --> 00:26:12,246
Lala is the super-awesome president
of our Homeowners Association.
653
00:26:12,291 --> 00:26:14,462
Elected six months ago in a landslide.
654
00:26:14,517 --> 00:26:16,091
Largest margin of victory since...
655
00:26:16,116 --> 00:26:17,422
HOAs are so cute.
656
00:26:17,437 --> 00:26:19,500
I'm Emma Trakarsky,
president of the Binge Club.
657
00:26:19,501 --> 00:26:20,797
Welcome to the neighborhood, Emma.
658
00:26:20,821 --> 00:26:22,172
Welcome back, actually.
659
00:26:22,197 --> 00:26:24,585
Yeah, sadly, I can't
recognize your authority
660
00:26:24,595 --> 00:26:26,528
- because it turns out your club is... eek!
- Oh.
661
00:26:26,564 --> 00:26:27,793
... unsanctioned.
662
00:26:27,838 --> 00:26:31,071
- Why don't you just... Oh!
- That's... That's so cute.
663
00:26:31,096 --> 00:26:33,437
- Did you make these at home?
- No, I got them at Costco.
664
00:26:33,562 --> 00:26:35,524
Listen, I'd love to look the other way,
665
00:26:35,556 --> 00:26:38,192
but the neighborhood
overwhelmingly entrusted me
666
00:26:38,218 --> 00:26:40,368
with upholding our
agreed-upon ordinances.
667
00:26:40,412 --> 00:26:43,315
We're talking 94.5% of the vote, so...
668
00:26:43,360 --> 00:26:45,877
yeah, obvious mandate. Anyhoo,
669
00:26:45,940 --> 00:26:47,850
yeah, had some complaints.
670
00:26:47,869 --> 00:26:50,551
Curb parking. Yuck, right?
671
00:26:50,570 --> 00:26:52,113
- Totally yuck.
- Yeah.
672
00:26:52,138 --> 00:26:54,047
Okay, well, here's an
idea. Try and keep up.
673
00:26:54,072 --> 00:26:55,718
Why don't we just park
in our own driveways?
674
00:26:55,742 --> 00:26:57,012
That'd be so great.
675
00:26:57,073 --> 00:26:59,907
- Problem solved.
- That way, I can void the individual parking infractions
676
00:26:59,931 --> 00:27:02,713
and just levy the entire fine
against whomever's in charge.
677
00:27:03,133 --> 00:27:05,780
I assume that's you, Madame President?
678
00:27:05,805 --> 00:27:08,426
Bawk! President Polly! Bawk!
679
00:27:08,483 --> 00:27:10,133
Uh... gotta go.
680
00:27:10,134 --> 00:27:11,743
- Oh, my God.
- I have a few more.
681
00:27:11,760 --> 00:27:13,273
MARTY: What was she thinking?
682
00:27:14,512 --> 00:27:17,153
La-la-la-blow me!
683
00:27:17,679 --> 00:27:19,536
[SIGHS]
684
00:27:19,876 --> 00:27:23,857
♪♪
685
00:27:24,099 --> 00:27:25,678
Oh, my God.
686
00:27:27,803 --> 00:27:30,545
- Uh, it's...
- It's not what it looks like.
687
00:27:30,782 --> 00:27:32,255
Or maybe it is.
688
00:27:32,305 --> 00:27:33,960
What do you think it looks like?
689
00:27:33,985 --> 00:27:35,629
Did you sneak home...
690
00:27:35,963 --> 00:27:37,319
to nap?
691
00:27:37,380 --> 00:27:38,928
Uh...
692
00:27:39,707 --> 00:27:43,658
♪ Flowers of uranium ♪
693
00:27:44,169 --> 00:27:47,635
♪ And the kids just play along ♪
694
00:27:47,691 --> 00:27:51,248
♪ Pictures of you and me in love ♪
695
00:27:51,415 --> 00:27:55,215
♪ And the kids just play along ♪
696
00:27:55,422 --> 00:27:59,494
♪♪
697
00:28:00,546 --> 00:28:03,010
♪ Sweetheart ♪
698
00:28:03,577 --> 00:28:06,688
♪ Believe me ♪
699
00:28:07,062 --> 00:28:13,002
♪ I've just been so damn
tired, wiped out completely ♪
700
00:28:16,083 --> 00:28:20,725
♪♪
701
00:28:20,850 --> 00:28:25,850
- Synced and corrected by chamallow -
- www.addic7ed.com -
52114
Can't find what you're looking for?
Get subtitles in any language from opensubtitles.com, and translate them here.
Afrikaans
Albanian
Amharic
Arabic
Armenian
Azerbaijani
Basque
Belarusian
Bengali
Bosnian
Bulgarian
Catalan
Cebuano
Chichewa
Chinese (Simplified)
Chinese (Traditional)
Corsican
Croatian
Czech
Danish
English
Esperanto
Estonian
Finnish
French
Frisian
Galician
Georgian
German
Greek
Gujarati
Haitian Creole
Hawaiian
Hungarian
Icelandic
Indonesian
Irish
Italian
Japanese
Kazakh
Khmer
Korean
Kurdish (Kurmanji)
Kyrgyz
Lao
Latvian
Lithuanian
Luxembourgish
Macedonian
Malagasy
Malay
Maltese
Maori
Mongolian
Myanmar (Burmese)
Nepali
Norwegian
Pashto
Polish
Portuguese
Romanian
Russian
Samoan
Serbian
Sesotho
Shona
Sinhala
Slovak
Slovenian
Somali
Spanish
Swahili
Swedish
Tajik
Thai
Turkish
Ukrainian
Urdu
Uzbek
Vietnamese
