All language subtitles for The.Goldbergs.2013.S06E23.720p.HDTV.x264-AVS

Growing up, there was nothing better

than the magical last week of school.

It all began with crafting
the perfect yearbook message.

- How long is this?
- Six pages, front and back.

- How long is yours?
- One sentence.

"You are my turtle-necked stallion."

This is the greatest thing
anyone's ever written me!

For the seniors, there was the
tradition of the awkward class photo.

Clear a hole, losers.

Johnny Atkins is finally graduating.

You suck. You're a dork. You're a nerd.

I hate you. You suck, too.

Mr. Atkins, I thought you
knew. You failed five classes.

You're definitely not graduating.

Forget what I just said.
Have a great summer.

And who could forget the ring salesman

who grossly overestimated
teenage interest in bulky jewelry?

Joss Stinn, bro?

Is there any way you can take
off the name of our school

and replace it with "JTP" in emeralds?

- "JTP" in emeralds?
- No, there's not.

- You make me sad.
- Your rings are dumb.

Appreciate your time.

And, of course, our
school's finest tradition...

the senior prank...

Oh, no. I'm going down!

...which mostly just
pissed off our principal.

Sweet Saran Wrap! It
gets worse every year!

- Amaro Jr! Is this your handiwork?
- He somehow knows it was you.

- Run, Ruben! Run!
- Nah.

I'll walk at a leisurely pace.

But even better than the
traditional senior prank

was the tradition of
planning the epic summer.

C'mon, guys... four friends in a van,

following the Grateful Dead all
summer? It will be super chill.

- I wish.
- Why can't you?

I can only tell you if it's under
the JTP cone of silence.

JTP cone of silence!

My plan for this summer is to spend
as much time as I can with Adam.

Beautiful, bro. Goosebumps.

Yes, that's why I made
him this... in wood shop.

Maybe instead of an
archaic homemade weapon,

you just tell Adam what he means to you.

I will tell him with the paddle.

Yeah, I'm not sure that's
what the paddle is saying.

If anything, it says "nerd basher."

Yeah. As in for the bashing of nerds.
How are you not getting this?

As for me, I was
partaking in the tradition

of taking over your big brother's room.

Hey, Schmoo.

- What's with the measuring?
- Well, now that Barry's off to Penn,

I'm gonna turn his room into
my private toy sanctuary,

where I can display all my
collectible action figures.

- Oh, no, you won't.
- I have to!

Displaying collectibles is
how adult boys play with toys.

Barry's room will always
stay exactly the same,

so that, at any moment, I can
come in and sniff his pillowcases

and pretend that nothing's changed.

So, basically, it's
a shrine that supports

your wildly unhealthy
attachment to your children?

You want to turn this into a toy museum,

so who's the weird one here?

Mom gets it. One day,
people will pay a fortune

to see where America's first
doctoring rap president grew up.

Oh, they sure will.

Oh, I can't believe my
baby's done high school!

It really is the end of an era, Ad Rock.

Which is why I have to give you
as many joxygen masks as possible.

Wait, what?! Sweet balls, no!

Aww, my babies love each
other so friggin' much. Oh!

Oh, terrible!

I know, buddy. I'm gonna miss this, too.

Synced & corrected by QueenMaddie
www.addic7ed.com

It was May 8th, 1980-something,

and Geoff had a bombshell
to drop on my sister.

Erica, oh, sweet lord, Erica.

- I just got the worst news ever.
- Oh, my God! What is it?!

- Did something happen to your family?!
- Worse!

I have the highest GPA
in my graduating class,

and I'm valedictorian.

Damn it, Geoff. You scared
the crap out of me.

You should be scared.

I now have to write a
moving graduation speech.

Do you have any idea what happens

when I have to speak in a public forum?

Yes, you get slight
performance anxiety...

- Crippling stage fright.
- Crippling stage fright.

I didn't want to say it,
but that's what it is.

I know, and having to write a
speech on top of everything else

completely implodes my
jam-packed Filofax schedule.

What the hell am I looking at right now?

My summer broken down
and planned to the minute.

Dude, you have two jobs and
five summer school classes

and an internship at LensCrafters.

- Not enough?
- It's more than enough.

You even scheduled bathroom breaks.

It's either Wednesdays
at 4:00 or not at all.

Dude, you're already valedictorian.

- What more do you want?
- So much more.

This summer, I have to complete
all my college core classes

so that next year, I have
time to pick a sensible major

so that I can get a
job and then marry you

and then buy a house
and then lease a Volvo

and then save for our
kids to go to college.

Forget our kids' college! You
haven't even gone to college.

I know. I'm sorry I'm so wound up.

It's just our future is,
like, super important to me.

- Whoa, what's with all the scratching?
- It's just a stress rash.

It comes and goes like my peptic ulcer.

Who's ready to fill their tum-tums
with some Ants on a Log?

Not this guy.

He's so stressed about his
future, he's all itchy and rashy.

Oh, poor baby. Here, let me see...

Oh, son of a bitch!

Erica, step away from that
boy and go wash your hands.

- What?!
- Geoffrey has

a scorching case of the shingles.

Shingles? No! Isn't that
a virus for sad, old people?

Oh, for sure.

But it's also brought on
by overwhelming stress.

I have overwhelming stress!
That describes me perfectly!

Geoff, look at me.

I'm telling you as an absolute fact

you don't have the shingles.

- Geoff has the shingles.
- What? Is he okay?

No, I'm not okay! I'm
soaking in a tub of oatmeal!

Just stay in the healing
breakfast bath, son!

Doctor's orders!

Please stop standing outside the door!

This bath is delicious and humiliating!

As Geoff soaked in his mushy bath,

I was facing the cold hard facts
about my girlfriend graduating.

I can't believe we only
have one week left together.

Ba-bup! We agreed...

you going off to college
was gonna be drama-free.

I know we said it, but how?

Jackie, we fell in magical nerd
love, and that lasts forever.

We'll always be in each other's lives.

- Promise?
- Look at me and know this.

I will always...

Aw, man. So glad I
got another year of this.

Gah! I was having a special
moment with my special lady!

And now I'm having a
special moment with you.

Jackie, do you mind?!
You're bordering on rude!

I'll see you at lunch, Ad.

My God, I can't wait till you're gone

and I don't have to deal
with your stupidity anymore.

I feel the same way, little buddy.

So, what do you say? One
more for old time's sake?

One more what?

Hello?

Anyone? Hello?

It's dark in here, and
I've lost all sense of time.

Mr. Goldberg, you're way too big and old

to be playing in the lockers.

Playing? My stupid brother Barry
impressively crammed me in there.

Good news for many is, he's graduating.

- He's moving on.
- Thank God, but how?

You pass your classes, you do your
community service... boom, done.

To be honest, you just got
to keep the herd moving.

Clearly. Barry didn't even do any.

So, you're saying Barry did
no community service at all?

I was... I was just kidding.

Um, Barry actually organized
a community soup...

garden 10k run

for food and, also, blood and shoes.

And comfort dogs.

- That's clearly not real.
- Clearly.

Please do me a solid, and
let's just pretend like

this conversation never happened.

Or do me a solid and tell your brother

if he doesn't complete 100
hours of community service

in the next four days, he
doesn't get his diploma.

How's Geoffrey feeling?

Like his body has been
ravaged by shingles.

That is wonderful news!

The sooner I ask, the sooner I
can start regretting asking...

why is Geoff's pain wonderful news?

You've locked down
every yenta's dream...

a man so concerned with your
future that he's made himself sick.

And why exactly is that good?

He loves you so much he's
willing to do anything

to provide for you.

Of course, his stress
rashes will continue,

and all his hair will fall out,

and his tired body will break
till he forms a widow's hump.

Ew. I don't want a rashy
bald hunchback for a husband.

You'd be so lucky.

Every day, I thank God that I have a man

who would exhaust himself into that...

...for me and this family.

Murray, don't eat Ritz
crackers in your sleep!

You'll choke to death!

- Where were we?
- We were just

wrapping up your positive spin on
having to watch your husband breathe.

Enjoy the rest of your day.

What?!

Hey, dude. What's all this?

Oh, I'm spending the summer
following the Grateful Dead,

so I'm loading up on some GORP.

- GORP?
- "GORP."

Stands for "good old
raisins and peanuts."

It's the go-to meal for Deadheads.

So, you're basically living in a van,

eating crappy trail mix?

- Totally.
- Bad news, bro.

- I ate all my GORP.
- You ate all your GORP?

That was supposed to last all summer!

Coach says we grow from setbacks,

- so this will be good.
- Wait, Ruben Amaro Jr.

- is following the Dead with you?
- I was gonna train all summer

because that's what it
takes to go pro, but, man,

I was putting so much stress
and pressure on myself,

I was doing crunches in my sleep.

The only crunching we do in
my van is on some sweet GORP.

Lucky for me, Ruben Amaro Sr. was like,

"Hey, Ruben Amaro
Jr., Forget the future.

Focus on the now."

See, that's exactly what
my mom doesn't get.

Geoff needs a summer around
spaced-out oddballs in tie-dye

making irresponsible life choices.

Well, if you want to see the country

in the luxury of an
un-air-conditioned van,

we got room for two more.

Geoff, stop whatever dumb
smart thing you're doing.

Dumb? It's my valedictorian speech.

And, oh, God, I'm so behind schedule!

Let me see.

- My Filofax!
- Well, put this in your Filofax.

You and me are gonna spend the
summer following the Grateful Dead.

- Wait, what?
- Look, this year was so hard,

and you got me through it.

So now it's my turn to help you,

- and I won't take no for an answer.
- Yes!

Thank you for freeing
me from my Filofax!

- Let's do this!
- For sure!

- I mean, it's the Grateful Dead.
- Yeah, people love them.

They do. I mean, I don't.

Me neither! But they
do have that one song.

Exactly. That one's okay.

- It's kind of okay.
- It's okay enough.

Yes! We are going to follow a band

we have mixed feelings
about, but who cares?

'Cause I get a break from being me.

Shingles!

- I'll go stir you up a breakfast bath.
- Uh-huh.

As Geoff bailed on his big speech,

it was time for me to
face my big brother.

Barry, I got to tell you something.

I got to tell you something, too.

Mine's bad, so me first.

No, trust me. Mine's way worse.

So shut your face and sit down.

I've realized something huge today

when I went back to the
locker I stuffed you in.

- To let me out?
- To fart through the air vents.

But you were gone... and then it hit me.

Somehow Matt Bradley was right.

All these years,

I've been wedging underwear
in your butt crack

when I should have been wedging
love in your heart crack.

Which is why I need you to know

I love you, bro, with all my heart.

Ooh, wow.

This is suuuper bad
timing. Here's the thing.

I told the principal that you never
did your community service,

which means you can't graduate
until you make up the hours,

which is impossible,
given the time frame.

What? So I can't graduate?!

Calm down.

I'll help you find a way to do your
community service this week.

- I owe 100 hours, dude!
- Doesn't matter.

We've gotten out of bigger

- jams than this.
- When?

I helped you win the
talent show with Kara-Te,

and we rapped to Beastie
Boys at the pep rally,

and we wrote our own kick-ass
version of "We Didn't Start The Fire"!

We have worked well together.

We just have to plan a
blowout charity event,

- like in the movies.
- Yes!

Use your stupid love
of movies to save me.

Yes, the movies, and there was only one

logical choice guaranteed
to get Barry out of this jam.

Are you familiar with the movie
"BREAKIN' 2: Electric Boogaloo"?

Yep, the '80s didn't just give
us sick break-dancing moves.

It gave us even sicker
break-dancing movies.

What if there was a way I
could host a charity fundraiser

that is guaranteed to
raise $30,000 in one night?

That's right. We're uniting
all the greatest break-dancers

from all the greatest break-dancing
movies ever released.

There's only four, but we're gonna
get the best of those nine guys.

We're talking the boys from "Breakin,"

the crew from "Krush Groove,"

the pop-'n'-lock posse
from "Beat Street."

You can deliver the cardboard
gymnasts from "Beat Street"?

No, that's where Ms. Cinoman comes in.

It's true, Earl.

Many moons ago, I spent
three passionate weeks

with a physically
expressive young dancer

by the name of Turbo.

Turbo?!

You mean the lead street
stylist of the movie "Breakin'"?!

- Indeed.
- Even though it's wildly upsetting

that teachers have lives
outside these hallways,

we have access to Turbo,
which means we have everyone.

If you can pull this off,

the community service hours
you owe will be fulfilled.

If we get Turbo, the rest will follow.

Mostly because they don't work a lot.

Erica was gearing up
to dance the summer away

with the Grateful Dead, but not
everyone was feeling the music.

There is no way I'm gonna let you

ramble around the country
all summer in a van!

And all for some stupid hippie music!

Do you both realize how
much I hate hippies?!

Are you happy? You just got your
father all worked up about hippies.

To be clear, I'm not
asking. I'm telling.

I'm an adult who no longer
needs your permission. Peace.

How dare you use logic
and facts against us?!

- Stupid hippies!
- Damn it, Murray.

You stopped listening the minute
you heard the word "hippie."

- I did. What did I miss?
- It's fine.

Erica may not listen to her parents,

but Geoff is a good boy
who always listens to his.

- Howdy.
- Peace, love.

What the hell is on
your bodies right now?

This is what you call a tied-dye.

Geoff made it for us in
a tub in the backyard.

So, I take it Geoff told you
about the silly road trip?

Actually, it was Erica, and
we think it's a wonderful idea.

'Sup? All I had to do to convince them

that Geoff needed a break
was show them his Filofax.

You live your life to the
fullest this summer, boychik.

Do it for all the
stressed-out Schwartz men

who came before you.

Erica, the nerve of
you going behind my back

before I went behind yours!

And so, Erica's summer on
the road was still trucking.

As for me and my brother,
we were on the road

to break-dancing glory.

What's this, gentlemen?

It's the classic break-dance
movie fundraising thermometer.

It tells the audience
how much money we raised

to save our community center
or, in this case, my diploma.

By chance, did you spend
any of the last few days

practicing actual break-dancing

instead of building
the giant thermometer?

Nah, we're gonna leave that magic up

to your intimate pal
Turbo and his friends.

Don't get me wrong.

I am a way better break-dancer
than all those fools combined,

- but I don't want to show them up.
- Well, great news.

Now you get the chance to shine

because none of those
world-famous break-dancers

will be joining us tonight.

- What?
- But you said,

if we got Turbo, the rest will follow.

Turns out the man I had a
dalliance with that summer

was not, in fact,
Turbo from "Breakin' 2."

It has been confirmed via phone

that his name is actually
D'Andre, and he's a liar.

Does D'Andre know Turbo?

- He does not.
- Oh, balls!

- This is all your fault!
- No, no.

It's just a setback, but like always,

we'll win over the crowd.

So, take my hand

and do the wave like
you've never waved before

'cause this right here, right now,

is our last great high-school adventure.

You're right!

Time to fill up that cardboard
thermometer with $30,000.

My last adventure with Barry
would be the stuff of legend.

As for Erica and Geoff,
their first road trip

was about to hit a detour.

'Sup, bozos?

I'm off to follow Rush
around Canada this summer,

and your hot mom offered
to make me homemade BORP.

BORP? I thought it was GORP?

No, this is BORP...

Beverly's Ol' Raisins and Peanuts.

I also added M&M'S,
caramel chips, and Skittles.

That goes against everything that
a good, healthy GORP stands for!

- What's your game, woman?
- No game.

But, hey, since your friend's here,

why doesn't he tell Geoff
what van life is like?

In a word, chaos.

Oh, no! That's my least favorite word!

Dude, my mom's just trying
to scare you. It'll be fine.

It will not be fine.

Every day, you face a new disaster...

- No...
- like flat tires and traffic jams

and petty theft and
motorcycle gangs and snakes.

Oh, no! Snakes and, also,
all the other things you said!

Tell them about the bathrooms, Johnny.

This bad boy goes where I go.

- I'm out. Can't do it.
- Trust me, this is a good thing.

Not the poop shovel, but the road trip.

- You need this.
- I can't do it, Erica.

I know you said I shouldn't stress
about our future, but I-I do.

This is who I am.

I gotta go write my speech.

I know you're hopping mad,
but you gotta trust Mama.

- This is for the best.
- Not for Geoff.

I wish you could stop being
so selfish and see that.

Schmoopaloo!

Thanks again for the BORP, Mrs. G.

I can tell it's made
with love by a hot mom.

As my smother finally shut down Erica,

we were pumping up the crowd.

It was our last great
high-school adventure,

and just like in "Breakin' 2,"

our charity fundraiser
would easily save the day.

- "Breakin'"...
- "2"!

- "Electric Boogaloo"!
- "Electric Boogaloo"!

Or not.

Barry kind of did the worm.

I sort of did the windmill.

And we both did whatever this is.

How exactly did you date him after me?

Hey, we're like soul mates.

But, yeah, I kind of wish I had
graduated before this happened.

Thankfully, no one seemed seemed
to notice the absence of Turbo.

Where's Turbo? We were promised Turbo!

It's charity having to look at this!

At what point do we win them over,

- like we always do?!
- We don't!

Our last adventure's an utter failure!

Break-dance retreat!

And so we roboted to safety,

having raised a whopping $3 for charity,

but maybe it would be enough.

You promised Turbo.

- It was not.
- You can walk at graduation,

but you don't actually graduate

till that community service is done.

Aw.

Now that my mom had put the
brakes on my sister's road trip,

Geoff was back to gearing
up for his graduation speech.

Hey, Mrs. G. Erica around?

I wouldn't know. She's
not speaking to me.

Yeah, she's not exactly
pleased with me either

since I bailed on our van trip.

But I was really hoping she'd give
me some notes on my speech.

Well, if you want a painfully honest,

no-holds-barred opinion, I'm right here.

Since my mom was the one
that put Geoff back on track,

she knew it was her job to help him.

Webster's Dictionary
defines "Webster" as a sitcom

about an adorable, pocket-sized boy.

Hold for laughter.

You know, if there's one thing
that this school's done for me,

it's helped me find my voice.

My throat is dry.

In the immortal words of Mahatma Gandhi,

is it me or is it hot in here?

Gandhi did not said that.

I said that because I'm
drenched in fear right now.

Although he could have said that.
We don't know. He was hot in India.

So, in conclusion, I ask you,
do you see floating spots?

'Cause there's, like, so many.

Any notes?

Erica Goldberg, get down
here! It's an emergency!

Oh, no! Get away from the boy!

It's okay. She was just giving me notes.

And here it is.

Take this sack of stress,

pull him into that disgusting van,

and follow those hippies
around for the whole summer.

- Are you serious?
- You were right.

If you really love someone, you've
got to do everything you can

- to make them happy.
- Well, then, screw it.

I'm gonna go pack some
clothes and buy a potty shovel.

- But what about your speech?
- Someone else can give it!

I'm going to see the Dead,

and I'm sort of excited about it.

In the end, my mom did help Geoff.

And that graduation day,

he finally wasn't so
scared about the future.

Thank you, Quakers Dozen.

But for Barry, a graduation with
no diploma was less than thrilling.

Normally, this is the point

where we ask our valedictorian to speak,

but he has instead decided

to follow the Grateful Dead in a van.

Whoo! Thank you, Goldbergs! Hi, Erica!

So, for the first time in
William Penn's storied history,

we have no valedictory speech.

Not so fast! I got tons of stuff to say.

Ah.

Mr. Goldberg, there
is absolutely no world

in which I would let you touch...

Thank you for those kind words, sir.

Oh, this just got good.

Welcome, parents, fellow students,

esteemed faculty, JTP.

- JTP.
- I'm Barry Goldberg.

You might know me from the time

my mom body-slammed me at
a wrestling tournament.

Or when I showed up to
school dressed as Boy George.

Or last night when I put
on a break-dancing show

that had some very mixed reviews.

But that's the amazing
thing about this school.

Every time I fell,

there was always someone
there to pick me up.

I learned a lot here, but mostly,

this place taught me to
never be afraid to fail,

and I know everyone sitting
behind me feels the same way.

♪ Well, we know where we're going... ♪

Would you look at that?

Our moron did good.

Well, I'd say that speech was some

of the best community
service I've ever seen.

Go join your classmates.

It's time to get your
diploma, Mr. Goldberg.

♪ And we're not little children ♪

♪ And we know what we want ♪

Barry Norman Goldberg,
high-school graduate.

Turns out my brother was right.

It really was the end of an era,

and, man, it went by in a flash.

The nerdy love of my life
was about to go off to college

and start a new nerdy life without me.

As for Barry and his
friends, it seemed like

their high-school adventures
would never end, but in a blink

they were all grown up
and ready for the future.

Kind of reminds me of
something my dad used to say,

"The days are long, but
the years are short."

And watching my brother and
his friends celebrate on that stage,

I finally understand what he meant.

I know I always said I couldn't
wait till Barry left for college,

but the truth is, he was my
best friend, and I'd miss him.

But that's life.

One era had ended,

but an even better
one was about to begin.

Well, we're off, but don't worry, sir.

I'll take great care of her, always.

Yeah, but she'll take
even better care of you.

Got you something for your trip.

- What is this thing?
- It's called a mobile telephone device.

That summer, we all grew
up more than we expected.

You're gonna call me
every hour on the hour.

My mom learned to let
go a little bit more.

Erica finally had a plan
to go back to school.

And, for once, Geoff
didn't have a plan at all.

Let's ride.

Next year, we were all headed
into uncharted territory,

but turns out it'll be the
greatest year of my life.

Of course, when I look back,
I don't always get the details right,

but there's one thing I do know...

it was 1980-something,
and it was perfect.

- Comment from Adam?
- Let's focus on that zit.

- I wish him, brother...
- ...Battery's gone dead.

- What's all this nerdery?
- Jackie's off to college,

so I'm putting together a care package.

We're being super mature about

her leaving and taking it as it goes.

That'll never work. Trust me.

What you need is my foolproof plan

that guarantees you
guys end up together.

- Grab a pen.
- No.

First, you go to college pre-med.

Once you graduate,
there's medical school,

an internship, residency, and boom!

I'm a radiologist!

At some point, you're in the 1990s,

you visit her at her place of business.

And wow Lainey with the
impressive adult you've become.

You just said "Lainey",
this is clearly your plan.

- Do you like it?
- I think it's half-baked,

and highly unlikely to succeed.