All language subtitles for The.Fix.S01E09

[cheering and applause]

Hello, I'm Jimmy Carr and this is The Fix.

The show where we solve
the world's problems

whilst you do nothing.

[laughter]

Today, we're tackling the opioid crisis,

which, somewhat ironically,
desperately needs a fix.

[laughter]

Opioids take many forms,

from the legal Oxycodone,

which is responsible
for thousands of deaths every year,

to the not-so-legal heroin,

which is responsible
for something much worse.

Jazz.

[laughter]

Opioids replicate the natural chemicals

the human brain creates
when we experience orgasms.

I've never tried them myself,

or, for that matter, opioids.

[laughter]

Pharmaceutical companies
are clearly to blame.

They've pushed more drugs
on unsuspecting people than Bill Cosby.

[audience gasps]

[laughter]

So what's to be done?

Well, we could just pop a pill
and not worry about it

or we could fix the problem
in half an hour.

Let's do that. Welcome to The Fix.

[cheering, applause]

[theme song playing]

Okay, here's how the show works.

I've challenged two teams of comedians

to come up with a fix
for the opioid crisis.

Our studio audience will be voting
at the end of the show.

Whoever comes up
with the most addictive solution wins.

So here to fix the opioid crisis
are Katherine Ryan and Amanda Seales...

[cheering and applause]

...and DL Hughley and Sara Schaefer.

[cheering and applause]

Later on, we'll be hearing
the team's fixes,

but, before that,
let's take a closer look at the problem.

The opioid crisis. What are your views?
What do you think?

It's funny, because when black people were
addicted to crack, it was a crime. Now...

- White people, it's a crisis. I just...
- [laughter]

It does seem weird that this seems to be
more of a problem for those communities.

[DL] Right, it seems like America...

I remember Donald Trump,
he built a temporary memorial

to the victims of the opiate crisis
outside the White House.

For black people,
they built prisons, so...

Yeah.

[applause]

I'm anti-opioid crisis,

and I know that's like...

- [Carr] Well, that's controversial.
- [Sara] Yeah.

I don't like it. I want it to stop.

[laughter]

Are we getting this down?

- [Sara] Yeah.
- [laughter]

[Carr] Katherine, what do you think?

Huge fan.
Absolutely wild for opiates, Jimmy.

- [laughter]
- I...

That explains
the glazed expression at least.

- [laughter]
- I...

I'm not taking them now,

but I have big plans to become addicted
to opiates in my retirement,

where the life-destroying consequences
won't matter

and I'll just have a bunch of fun.

I'm on the right team.

[laughter]

I mean, this is the right time
to get addicted to opiates.

Especially in this country.

Because if it's going to make you
glaze over and think everything is good...

[laughter]

That might be the route.

[applause]

Now, I've got an astounding fact for you.

Americans make up
5% of the world's population,

but they consume 80%
of the global supply of opioids.

Has anyone here ever taken opioids?

We ain't getting drug tested for this
on the show?

You will not be tested on this,
but I require an honest answer.

DL, have you ever taken opioids?

Yes.

But not on purpose.

Yes, it was on purpose,
but fuck it, I'm...

[laughter]

What for? Because it's normally
sporting accidents or...

I accidentally wanted to get high.

[laughter]

[applause]

- Sara, have you ever taken opioids?
- Yes.

It was prescribed to me
when I broke my ass.

- [Carr] Sorry, you broke your...
- I broke my...

I once had an Indian meal
that nearly did that to me. What...

[laughter]

[Carr] How did you broke your ass?

I slipped on some ice
and just broke my tailbone

and I convinced myself
that I was overreacting.

So I hobbled back to my apartment,
up three flights of stairs,

took my pants off
and my roommate was like,

"There's a bump in your ass crack."

[laughter]

Like this. Like an apple.

Sorry, did your roommate not say,

"Put your trousers back on."
That would be...

I was like, "I think I hurt myself,"

and just started pulling them down.

And she was like, "We're going to the ER."

And they gave me medication

that I took twice and then gave it away,

because it scared me
how good it made me feel.

I was like, "I will be addicted to this
in the next 24 hours if I take one more."

How did it make you feel?

It was like floating and a memory foam
mattress was just holding me up.

[laughter]

Like I was just riding it through...

It was just nothing... Nothing hurt.

That does sound good, doesn't it?

It was so good.

I've got nothing but sympathy
for people that are addicted to opioids,

because it does sound good.

When I did it, I got so high,
I felt like a white dude.

I was like, "Why would I ever stop
this shit? This is so great."

[laughter]

Amanda, have you ever tried opiates?

I had my wisdom teeth out
and they gave me Codeine,

but then my mom was like, "Don't take it.
You're going to be a drug addict!"

and I was like, "Okay, relax."

It sounds like she wanted it.

[laughter]

I also had my wisdom teeth out,

and, by wisdom teeth out,
I mean a boob job, Jimmy.

[laughter]

And they prescribed me opiates

and I loved them.

I took them for a few days
and it gave me a really terrible rash

and I just couldn't live like that.

Maybe you just didn't get
the right opiates for you.

[laughter]

- I could try again.
- [Amanda] Yeah.

I mean, I delivered my daughter
with no drugs at all.

[women whooping]

I don't know why there's so much pride
associated with a natural childbirth.

If you did anything else that painful
without drugs,

people would be like,
"You're a moron, take the drugs."

I would have loved some drugs on that day.

[laughter]

So opioids are primarily used for pain.

What's the most pain you've ever been in?

I was a gymnast.

So I've split the beam, like...

[vocalizes]

Oh, right in the...

Just right in the humdinger.

Like right in the magic middle.

You call yours "the humdinger"?

The magic middle, Shangri-La, whatever.

[laughter]

DL, what's the most pain
you've ever been in?

I have to say when I met
my daughter's loser boyfriend, but...

Actually, the most physical pain
I was ever in was I broke my clavicle.

- Ooh.
- We were playing tackle football

and I fell down
and I felt my clavicle hit me in the face

- It hit you in the face?
- It was like, "Wow, what was that?"

[Carr] That's...

You're your own worst enemy there,
aren't you?

And did they give you opioids for that?

We didn't have insurance,
so they just said, "Get out."

[laughter]

One time, I...

Recently actually, I sprained my foot
on a sidewalk in Canada.

I was like, "I'm going to go down,
I'm going to faint. This is so painful."

So I sat down on the sidewalk in the rain

and I had a donut with me
and I was like...

[laughter]

"This will help me
get back to my hotel room.

I'm just... I'm just low blood sugar."

There must be security footage
of me somewhere

- just, like, sitting on the sidewalk...
- [laughter]

...like, in the rain eating a donut.

I must have looked insane.

That feels like the most American thing
I've ever heard.

[laughter]

"I think I've broken my foot.
I'll have a donut."

[laughter]

Sara, I would say
stay out of cold weather.

[Sara] Yeah.

It sounds like you have a worse
relationship with ICE than a Mexican.

[laughter]

The most pain I ever had
was a thing with my bladder.

They had to do an exploratory search
of my bladder.

Search. They were looking for stuff.

So they put a camera in.

And they... You know...

And you think,
"Oh, they're putting it in through that!"

Okay, and you think it's going to be
a camera the width of a human hair.

- It's like a Biro.
- [laughter]

You hurt in places
you didn't know you had.

And the worst thing about this
is you think that's painful.

That is as nothing compared to the moment
when they've done it and they go,

"Cough." Voom.

[audience gasps]

My thighs are clenched right now.

I have that effect on women.

[laughter]

[applause]

It's a separate issue.

[Carr] Okay, moving on.

A lot of Americans take opioids
to get high,

but sometimes
you don't actually want to get high,

it just sort of happens.

Take a look at this news report.

Burning behind me is 8.5 tons of heroin,
opium, hashish and other narcotics.

[chuckles hysterically]

[audience laughs]

Come on then, let's go.

[laughing]

[laughter]

Burning behind me... [chuckles]

Quick, quick. We just need one more.

[laughter]

[Carr] Come on.

- That's...
- [applause]

That guy wasn't chasing the dragon.
He caught it.

[laughter]

Eight and a half tons of heroin and hash
burning behind him.

That's like Snoop's cremation.

[laughter]

Actually, the one time that I've, like,
caught contact,

like, in that situation, was I took my mom
backstage to meet Snoop.

[laughter]

She was like, "I want to meet Snoop Dogg."

So I took her backstage
and we crossed the threshold

and it was like, "Yeah."

[laughter]

Immediate.

How was your mom? Chilled?

Just like... I wish she was like that
for my whole teenage years.

[laughter]

Okay. Opioids have been around
for a long time.

Take a look at this ad
for Dr. Thomas's Eclectric Oil.

It contains opium, alcohol and chloroform.

[all] Oh!

Yeah. You say that,
but here's what it does.

It claims to cure earache in two minutes,

backache in two hours,
and deafness in two days.

[Amanda] Yes.

Did you hear that? Well, you will.

[laughter]

Take a look at this ad from 1845.

Mrs. Winslow's Soothing Syrup.
It's for children teething.

And it contains alcohol and morphine.

[laughter]

Its slogan was,
"Hush, little baby... forever."

[laughter]

Katherine, would you give a baby alcohol?

I wouldn't give a baby top-shelf alcohol.

[laughter]

Their little palates
are not developed yet.

They could just have any house Chardonnay.

[laughter]

My mother used to rub whiskey
on our gums when we were teething.

Like, "Can you feel your teeth?"
"I can't even feel my face!"

[laughter]

My mother used to make us take
a shot of Wild Turkey so we would sleep

so she could go and play cards
with her friends instead.

- [laughter]
- And you know what?

I think we only think we had great parents
because we lived.

[laughter]

Like, "I don't need a babysitter... Ah."

It's crazy.

Here on The Fix, we have our very own
data expert. Please welcome Mona Chalabi!

[cheering and applause]

Mona, I want some data.
I've had a little bit. I want more.

Well, Jimmy,
I wanted to take a closer look at pain.

After all, that's the reason
opioids are prescribed in the first place.

International research has found

that about 20% of people
say they often feel aches and pains.

But it turns out that those numbers
vary a lot from country to country.

In the Czech Republic, only 9% of people
say they often feel pain...

the lowest number anywhere in the world.

In Japan, it's twice that, at 18%.

And the most pained country in the world
is the USA

where a whopping 34% of people
say they feel pain often.

There are different theories about why the
numbers vary so much between countries.

It's not just about access to medication.

There are possible lifestyle reasons.

Americans are more likely to be obese,
which can often result in aches and pains.

But there could also be cultural reasons.

Is it just more acceptable
to say the words, "I'm in pain,"

in some cultures and languages?

If so, that could explain why countries
that are culturally similar to the US,

like the UK and Australia,

are also very likely to say
they're in pain.

Interestingly, these three countries

also have some of the highest rates
of opioid addiction in the world.

[Carr] That's extraordinary.

Are there any communities within America
that don't take as many opioids?

[Mona] It's hard to say,

but there are communities
that are higher at risk.

We know that it's white communities,
we know it's rural communities,

and lower socioeconomic groups.

So lower socioeconomic, white and rural.
Katherine Ryan?

Yes.

[laughter]

[Carr] No, because...

Because Mona's saying
this is a white trash problem,

so I'm..

[laughter]

I would call my dad and ask
if I knew where he was.

[laughter]

[applause]

It's funny, because in America
they believe, like women of color,

statistically they're biased
to believe that they can take more pain,

so they're prescribed less pain medicine.

They believe they're bigger and stronger.

Even though black women
get breast cancer less,

they have a higher mortality rate,
because they're not aggressive with them.

They're like, "Oh, they can fight it off."
You know...

The really frightening thing is that,
in surveys of medical students,

even medical students in this country

say they think that black people
have thicker skin

and can tolerate more pain
than white people.

That's petrifying.

Sorry, were these doctors in...

- What the fuck is going on? How...
- [laughter]

Sorry, I wouldn't mind
if they did a survey on the streets

and people turned out to be racists,
but medical students saying that?

That's mental.

- It's petrifying.
- Wow.

Mona, what else have you got for us?

We talk about opioids
in terms of a national crisis,

but, like so many statistics,

national averages can hide
some really interesting local trends.

To understand how the crisis got started,

let's go back to the '80s and '90s.

In the Appalachian region,

opioids were heavily marketed to injured
coal miners and blue-collar workers

by pharmaceutical companies.

But it wasn't just big pharma's fault.

The mining companies didn't want their
injured workers to take paid time off,

so they had doctors
prescribe the drugs on the job.

Next up, let's look at Utah,
which has a huge problem.

Not surprising,
given that in one year alone,

a third of all adults in the state
were prescribed opioids.

Strangely, one reason for this
might be religion.

Over half the population in Utah
are members of the Mormon Church.

It's a faith that forbids
the use of drugs,

including alcohol, tobacco
and even coffee.

But Mormons are allowed to take drugs
prescribed by a doctor,

like opioids.

- [Amanda] Uh.
- [Mona] One last case study: Colorado.

Like lots of other states in America,

opioid deaths have risen in Colorado
since 2000.

But, in 2014,
they suddenly started to fall. Why?

Well, that's the same year
that cannabis was legalized.

Researchers believe people have been
turning to weed as a substitute.

Jimmy, are you a fan of the Mary Jane?

[laughter]

What, this guy? Oh, yeah, you know me.

[laughter]

I think that makes
an awful lot more sense.

So legalized marijuana is having
a huge effect on the opioid crisis.

Yeah.

I love the idea of a bunch of super high
Mormons going door to door, just like,

"I would like to tell you
about a most amazing book. Hello."

You know?

[laughter]

Amanda, what do you make of this?

Have you used marijuana
to take the edge off some pain?

No, I haven't.

I was, like, afraid of weed.

Not because I was afraid
I would be addicted to it,

but I was around a lot of people
who just weren't doing shit.

Like I had a boyfriend in college
who smoked like 20 blunts a day.

And then he broke up with me

because I was like,
"You're smoking too much weed,"

and he was like, "Well, you know..."

[laughter]

"I feel like that's not fair

because I would never ask you

to stop writing poems."

[laughter]

So, for me, I'm just like,

"If this is the type of shit
that's going down from smoking, I'm good."

Okay, DL, marijuana.
Have you ever come across this stuff?

No.

[laughter]

I've been so fucked up I've been at
a stop sign waiting for it to turn green.

I'm like...

[laughter]

What's the most messed up
you've ever been?

The last week of April this year. So I...

[laughter]

I'm on tour with these cats,

me, George Lopez,
Cedric the Entertainer...

We're in Denver
and I haven't slept in three days.

So I asked one of those guys,
and I won't say who...

I said, "Give me something
that's going to help me sleep," right?

So I took it on Saturday night,

I woke up in the hospital in Denver
on Monday morning

with my wife
in the hospital bed next to me.

I woke up and I went,
"What the fuck happened?"

[laughter]

I had a Fitbit on and it had zero on it.

[laughter]

So I didn't move. I didn't do...

I didn't do nothing at all.

Maybe that's the cure
for the opioid crisis.

We get everyone a Fitbit
and they go, "This has got to change."

[laughter]

Okay. Well, thank you very much indeed,
Mona. Brilliant.

[cheering and applause]

Let's get to the heart of the show:
the fixes.

It's time to solve the opioid crisis
once and for all.

Katherine and Amanda are jonesing
for a fix, so we'll let them go first.

Please give it up for Katherine Ryan!

- Thank you.
- [applause]

People trust their doctors, Jimmy,
which is how my face got like this.

The worst day of my life was when my
gynecologist told me he was also a DJ.

So it's important to remember that,
just like mayors and '90s sitcom actors,

doctors can be very fallible people.

They've contributed to the opioid crisis,

but I'm going to fix it
with pharma drug dealers.

Yeah, every day in America,
doctors are being seduced

by an army of hot, sexy, charming
pharmaceutical reps.

Big pharma makes billions
off the sale of opioids

and they're not using El Chapo
to run their drugs.

They're using El Tricia.

[laughter]

So how do we get doctors
to stop prescribing these drugs?

Make the pharma reps
look like what they really are.

Drug dealers.

Swap out the big boobs for face tats,

the skimpy dresses for wife beaters,

and I'm not talking about a shirt.

Doctors might think twice
before handing out pills willy-nilly

if the drugs were being lobbied
by this guy.

Do you think doctors want this human
trash fire coming into his or her office?

I don't think so.

Can you even imagine a doctor
taking a weekend trip to Boca with him?

I can, and it ends in a lot of blood
and a dead farm animal.

[laughter]

So that's my fix.

Big pharma drug dealers.

[applause]

So you're proposing we change
the relationship

between big pharma and doctors?

Yes.

And we make pharmaceutical reps
actual drug dealers?

They just can't be
these really seductive people,

taking doctors on golfing holidays.

I don't think anybody
suffers through medical school

to conspire purposely
with the pharmaceutical CEO...

- Ah...
- ...but they do enjoy a golf holiday.

I love the fact that you're giving
drug dealers another chance in life.

I love the idea of a drug dealer
driving a 7 Series BMW

and getting a house in the suburbs.

[laughter]

And I think maybe, to go one step further,

you make the pharmaceutical reps...

be the drug dealers.

Yeah.

Chad in a blazer
has to go down and sell crack

and he has to play the game
before the game plays him.

That's how he...

[laughter]

That's what he's got to do.

Okay, ladies and gentlemen,
give it up for drug dealer reps!

[cheering and applause]

We've had one fix from Katherine's team,
but I want another fix right away,

so please give it up for DL Hughley!

[cheering and applause]

Jimmy, the US Is one of only two countries
in the entire world

that allows prescription drugs
to be marketed on TV.

The other one is New Zealand,
which barely counts.

It's like half sheep and half Hobbit.
Who cares?

So let me tell you
what the fix is for the opioid crisis.

It's mandatory opioid ads on television.

I know it sounds bad, but hear me out.

Drug companies advertise because it works.

Drugs with commercials sell nine times
more than drugs without commercials.

Let me put it to you this way.

Your dad takes dick pills
because the NFL told him to.

[laughter]

But opioids aren't advertised on TV
because the side effects are so terrible.

You can't show a video of people kayaking

and then casually mention
that their teeth might fall out.

[laughter]

But, for our fix, maybe we should.

If we force the drug companies to make ads

for opioids,
people might start to understand

how much more dangerous a drug
like Fentanyl is compared to Valtrex...

which I do not take, no matter
what my wife tells women after my shows.

[laughter]

We went ahead and made one of these ads
just to prove our point.

Take a look.

Hi there.

I have chronic pain.

So my doctor prescribed something
to take away that pain...

and all sense of reality.

[laughter]

I have no idea where I am right now...

thanks to Oxycodone.

[woman] Oxycodone's a narcotic
that impacts the central nervous system

and releases dopamine, causing
a false sense of emotional well-being

and replaces pain
with a crippling addiction to Oxycodone.

And that's the good news.

Side effects of Oxycodoneinclude nausea,

vomiting, constipation...

and death.

[wind blowing]

Huh. Will you look at that?

Anyhoo, more serious side effects
of Oxycodone

include loss of job, loss of income,
loss of family,

having something in common
with Rush Limbaugh, loss of dignity.

Sir, hello?

Did I mention that one already?

I don't know.
I'm bombed out of my mind right now.

Also thoughts of suicide,

thoughts of starting a band

and, finally...

dying in a public park
in the middle of a pharmaceutical ad.

Hey, we've got another one.

Clean up on Aisle Me.

[laughter]

Ask your doctor if Oxycodone
is right for you.

If he says yes...

get a different doctor.

[woman] Oxycodone,
the last drug you'll ever take.

Hey, does anybody have any Oxycodone?

[applause]

I'm good.

[laughter]

[DL] Well, that's my fix.

You guys are welcome.

This is a great idea. You're going
to force pharmaceutical companies

- to be honest about opioids.
- Tell them what you're working with.

Then if they're honest
about the side effects,

then people aren't going to
take the drugs presumably.

- Right.
- I don't think people would take opioids

from a doctor if they called them
opioids or heroin.

When they give them these brand names,
it kind of makes it okay.

But if you said to them,

"Oh, you've got back pain.
What about a little bit of heroin?"

[laughter]

I think people would go, "Steady on,
Doctor, it just hurts a little bit."

[laughter]

What do you like about this idea, Sara?

I like it because there are too many ads
for these random drugs

for conditions that I assume
only, like, four people have.

I'll be watching, you know,
Cheaters or something..

[laughter]

A commercial for a drug for Non-Hodgkin's
female feline fibromyalgia comes on...

[laughter]

"I have that."

[laughter]

It's strange.

I think it's a really good idea,

because doctors maybe don't give
all those side effects in the room.

They just say, "You'll feel better,"
and leave it at that.

But people need to know
that if you take synthetic heroin,

- then you are going to die.
- [laughter]

And they probably just think
the drugs are really working

because the patients never come back.

They're like, "Charles's back pain
is definitely out of here."

He's sucking thumbs under a bridge
for heroin.

[laughter]

Okay, give it up for mandatory opioid ads.

Great.

[applause, whooping]

So Katherine and Amanda are proposing
turning felons into pharmaceutical reps

and DL and Sara are suggesting
we trust the advertising industry

to tell us the truth about opioids.

[laughter]

Audience, please vote
for your favorite now

and remember your first vote is free,

but if you like it there's plenty more
where that came from.

[laughter]

Well, I can tell you the votes are in

and, with 67% of the vote, DL has won.

We're having honest ads about opioids!

[cheering, applause]

So that's that,
the opioid crisis is solved.

- Let's just hope we don't relapse.
- [laughter]

Thanks to Katherine Ryan,
Amanda Seales, DL Hughley,

Sara Schaefer, our brilliant data expert
Mona Chalabi,

everyone here in the studio,
and to all of you watching at home.

We're going to be solving
more of the world's problems

in five, four, three, two, one...

[audience cheering, theme song plays]