Original subtitles

♪ ooh-ooh-ooh ♪

♪ thank you for bein' a friend ♪

♪ travel down the road and back again ♪

♪ your heart is true ♪

♪ you're a pal and a confidante ♪

♪ and if you threw a party ♪

♪ invited everyone you knew ♪

♪ you would see ♪

♪ the biggest gift would be from me ♪

♪ and the card attached would say ♪

♪ thank you for bein' a friend ♪

♪ thank you for bein' a friend ♪

♪ thank you for bein' a friend ♪♪

Captioning made possible by witt/thomas/harris productions, cbs television network,

And 1992 nci caption club/ grantsmanship

Yes, sir, the golden palace romantic getaway weekend

Comes with a lot of extras--

Complimentary bottle of champagne,

Candlelight dinner, black satin sheets.

Tell him about the coloring books.

O.K., great. I'll go ahead and enter your reservation.

All right, thank you.

I can't believe this, rose.

We're almost booked solid.

You should trust my instincts more often.

How'd you know this romantic getaway would be so popular?

I remembered something my minister said when I was little--

"moses parting the red sea is a nice story,

But mary magdalene really packs a pew."

What does that mean?

Sex sells, baby.

Hey, sophia, where does this thing go?

Over there.

To be honest,

This is why everybody's coming.

Getting doctor ursula for one of her lecture weekends

Was a real coup.

I've never even heard of her before this.

Of course you have.

She's the love doctor.

She's on all the talk shows.

She writes all those sex books.

I think doctor ursula's great.

I checked out one of her books.

It's called

New sexual positions for the senior citizen.

And?

Art linkletter's selling lots of adjustable beds this year.

Well, this sounds awesome. I'm there.

I've been having some problems

With my sexual partners lately.

Such as?

I don't have any.

All you have to do

Is find a man you're sexually compatible with.

Stop looking at me.

Everybody used to ask me to dance.

You like to dance?

I love "disco nit" at the center--

The music, the mingling.

I'm not crazy about the strobe lights,

But it does make us look like we're moving.

Why doesn't anybody ask you to dance anymore?

I think - I've lost my sex appeal.

I said I think I've lost my sex appeal.

Oh, no - oh, no. - Oh, no.

You're a hot babe.

You're just being condescending to an old lady,

But I'm a person, damn it.

If you prick me, do I not bleed...

Eventually?

You won't believe who left a message on my answering service--

Taylor michaels. He's coming to town.

Who?

Taylor michaels. I told you about him.

We went to college together.

I wanted him in the worst way.

Unfortunately, so did my roommate lauren.

We fought tooth and nail over him.

Yeah, but you won, right, blanche?

Right, blanche?

No. She did.

I didn't hear you. What?

She got her butt kicked.

I lost, all right?

Is that what you wanted to hear,

That one time blanche devereaux

Lost a man to another woman?

Are you happy?

I have no heroes left!

No, no, no. Shh.

Aw, it fine.

Hello.

Hello. May I help you?

Yes. I'd like a room, please.

All righty.

I have one with a beautiful ocean view.

If it's half as beautiful as the view now,

I think that would be perfect.

Wait. Do you mean me or the mail slots?

No, no, no. You, of course.

Oh, goody.

Blanche?

Blanche hollingsworth?

It's me.

Taylor michaels.

Oh, taylor!

Oh, I do not believe this!

Just look at you.

Would you look at him?

I'm looking, I'm looking.

You look exactly the same.

I know.

I could just eat you with a spoon.

Rose, get me a spoon.

Rose? Is that what this delightful young lady's name is?

Yes, I'm sorry, taylor.

This is my business associate rose nylund.

Rose. - What a beautiful name.

You should see the flower.

Taylor, how'd you find me?

I read - you bought this hotel

In our hometown newspaper.

I'm in miami for the hog convention.

I thought I'd stay here,

And I'm glad I did.

Oh, goody.

Do you have any plans while you're in town?

Well, I hope so.

Rose, would you like to have dinner with me tonight?

Yes.

I mean...I'll have to check my schedule first.

Excuse us for a moment.

Blanche, I really like him,

But I know he's your friend,

And I won't go.

Honey, don't be ridiculous.

I'll have time to be with taylor.

Go on and enjoy this one-time-only event.

I guess I should warn you.

He does raise prize pigs.

You might have to sit through endless pig stories.

You don't have to sell me. I already said yes.

I signed up for the love doctor's class.

Wasn't that couples only?

You can forget that.

I've seen that look in your eye before.

That's the same look you had

When you asked me to fix your shower.

What was wrong with that?

You were using it at the time.

You're still whining about that?

I had a shower cap on.

I really don't want to go to this class with you.

People's personal lives should be a private manner.

I noticed.

I asked about your last date, you refused.

U asked me if I got any.

Well, did you?

Tell me what's going on with you.

I really am interested.

Alall right, look.

The last few women that I've dated,

After we started to get close,

We just couldn't relate.

I guess it all began--

I'm sorry. I hate to interrupt,

But as it turns out, I'm not that interested.

But maybe the love doctor is.

Of course... Couples only.

All right, sophia, I'll go.

Hot damn!

Roland, have you seen rose?

She's still not back with taylor.

They've been gone all this time?

What could they possibly have to talk about besides pigs?

Chickens, chickens, chickens.

It looks like somebody had a good time.

We had a great time.

He's taking me to the landing tomorrow,

That new restaurant.

That is, if you don't mind.

Why would I mind?

If my old friend

And my even older roommate...

Are interested in each other,

Who could be happier than me?

Thank you, blanche.

Wow, blanche. That's a great thing you just did,

Stepping aside like that.

You realize this means war.

I'm sorry about the inconvenience, sir.

The maid should've stocked your bathroom.

We'll send somebody up right away.

Well, we're off to dinner.

Wait, rose.

Did you forget the toilet paper?

It's a nice restaurant.

I'm sure they'll have some.

But I guess better safe than sorry.

No, no, rose. Wait.

We've been getting complaints.

Nobody has gotten their towels,

Or their toilet paper, or their soap.

I did that hours ago.

There must be some mistake.

[telephone rings]

Would you check into it, please?

That'll take an hour.

We'll lose our reservatns.

That's all right. I'll wait here.

We'll go somewhere else later.

"the love doctor.

Couples only."

Yeah. I'm going with sophia.

O.K., taylor, let's go.

Rose doesn't want those reservations to go to waste

And asked me to go.

But she said--

No buts. This is what rose wants.

[telephone rings]

Front desk.

Yes, sir, - she's on her way up now.

Sorry about the inconvenience.

Roland, I need the key to the supply closet.

Where's taylor?

He left with blanche for dinner.

She said you didn't want those reservations wasted.

But I never talked to blanche.

Look at all the toilet paper I found in the freezer.

How many times must I tell blanche,

"please don't freeze the charmin"?

Chuy.

Who would want to use frozen toilet paper?

At my age, any thrill will do.

Sorry about this, rose.

Oh, I'm fine.

If blanche needs to spend time with taylor,

I understand.

I'm her closest friend.

You're going to get even.

Norwegian people don't get even.

I thought you were swedish.

I am.

Where's the fire?

Somebody paged me at the restaurant,

Said there was a hotel kitchen fire.

Don't worry, blanche.

I put out that fire

With all the cold toilet paper in the freezer.

I don't have the faintest idea

What you're prattling on about.

You sabotaged my date.

Did you think I was too dumb to figure it out?

Frankly, yes.

Admit it--it's driving you crazy

That taylor likes me better than you.

That's why you're being so competitive.

I don't need to be competitive with you.

This is not some race.

Ladies.

What-- - is everything all right?

It was just a stupid false alarm

That ruined a perfectly good evening.

Let's try it again tomorrow night,

This time with no interruptions.

We've already made dinner plans for tomorrow night.

I'm sure taylor would rather spend the evening with me.

Taylor can make his own decisions.

Taylor ought to speak--

Why don't all three of us have dinner tomorrow night?

Oh. That's a splendid suggestion.

Fine with me.

That's wonderful.

I'm going to bed now.

Good night, ladies.

Aw, honey, I bet that hurt.

Good!

Aw, man.

I'm really uncomfortable about this, sophia.

Look at this-- everybody's staring at us.

No, they're not.

What, you've never seen a may-December,

Afro-american-italian relationship before?

Hello, everybody.

I'm doctor ursula,

Otherwise known as the love doctor,

And today you're going to learn

How to open up and share with your partner.

Let's get started by getting one of our couples

Up here into the love circle

And we'll help them resolve some problem areas.

Who wants to be first?

Put your hand down.

Stop it.

This looks like fertile ground.

We don't have a problem.

Yes, we do. Help us, doctor love.

Sign here.

What's this?

It's a relea form.

You two are definitely in my next brochure.

If you'll just come into the love circle, please.

No, no. Over here, please.

Thank you.

Well, then...

What's your problem, sweetheart?

I want sex.

Well, that seems like a simple enough request.

Then you do it.

Here, we're actually less interested in sex

And more interested in love.

One way of expressing love

Is through touching exercises.

No touching.

See what I have to put up with?

I want you to take each other by the hands.

Now look deeply into your partner's eyes.

And say, "hello, lover."

Hello, lover.

Roland's not getting out of the love circle

Until he says this.

Hell--

Ahem.

Hell-l--

Hell will freeze over

Before I say "hello, lover" to this woman.

Roland.

I'm sorry, I can't sa--

It's not sophia, it's me. I'm sorry.

Roland, the first step

In overcoming your fear of intimacy

Is being able to say "I love you" to anyone,

So try telling sophia.

I lo--

Just try, roland.

I love you, sophia.

Aww... - Aww... - Aww...

Very good, roland.

A big step for you.

Yeah, that wasn't so bad. Maybe that did help.

Now then, sophia, what's your problem?

I don't have a problem.

I wanted the kid to work out his problem.

For me?

I still want somebody to dance with.

Still, that was nice of you.

You must really care for roland.

He's all right.

"all right"?

I like him.

"like him"?

What the hell-- I love you, roland.

Aww.

Come on, you little sea monkey.

I'm taking you dancing.

We're so happy.

Big success. Big success.

That's where I found out

What "pig in the blanket" really meant.

Oh, taylor, you have to stop.

My stomach hurts from laughing so hard.

Rose, would you push your chair back?

All that jiggling is causing our coffee to spill.

If you ladies will excuse me,

I have to go - to the little boys' room.

Later we could go up to my room.

I have a delicious after-dinner treat waiting there for you.

Are you sure there's any left?

You've been giving out a lot of samples lately.

Excuse me. - I'll be back in a second.

Why don't you just leap into his lap?

I don't know what you're talking about.

I haven't been flirting.

Blanche, you offered to open his baked potato

With your tongue.

Like you're any better,

Little miss--I dropped my corn on the cob down my cleavage.

Can somebody help me get it out?

You're just mad 'cause all that fits in your cleavage

Is a peanut.

Oh, that does it.

Oh, the gloves are off.

Let's see how smug you are

When he leaves here with me.

Sorry about that. Did I miss anything?

Oh, well, rose and I

Were just playing a little game.

Taylor, if you were all alone on a desert island

And you could have either rose or me for companionship,

Who would you choose?

Oh, gosh. I don't know.

It's a desert island.

You'll have no one else to look at or talk to.

Rose.

Now, see, it's a desert island.

There's nothing to do,

So you'll probably be wanting to engage

In certain adult activities.

Now who would you choose?

Rose.

Look...

It's a desert island.

The sun beats down with a harsh intensity.

Anybody with fair, swedish skin's gonna end up

Looking like an old leather handbag. Who would you choose?

Rose. I...

Blanche, - what's going on here?

Nothing. Nothing's going on here.

Nothing has ever been going on here.

Not between you and me.

Not 40 years ago, not now, not ever!

For what it's worth, I would bring sunblock.

What's going on?

Why should you care

If taylor has a crush on me?

Because it's just history repeating itself, rose.

It's just like in college with lauren.

Taylor prefers you over me.

For some incomprehensible reason,

He wants you and not me,

And I can't handle it.

If I can't attract a man, what's the point?

Blanche, you can't base your self-worth

On whether men find you attractive or not.

I most certainly can. Doesn't every woman?

No! Gosh, if I did that, well...

Actually, right now I'd be flying pretty high.

The truth is, when it comes to men,

You just can't control yourself.

That's not true.

How many good women friends

Have you driven away with your competitiveness?

All of them.

My god, you're right.

All of them, rose.

I mean, after all these years,

I should be more important to you than taylor.

Aw, honey...

You are.

Oh, your friendship's the most important thing in my life.

Oh...Oh, I've been so foolish.

But I tell you what I'm going to do--

From now on, I swear, rose nylund,

No man will ever come between us again.

Prove it.

What?

Prove it.

I want you to sit there

While I go through that door to taylor.

Think you can do it?

Yeah, I think so.

O.K.

I'm going.

I'm walking toward the door.

My hand is reaching for the door.

I've made contact.

I'm pushing.

I stubbed my toe.

The pain is flooding through my body.

Big piggy is starting to throb.

Would you just get through the damn door already?

I'm through the damn door.

I did it.

I did it.

I chose a female friendship

Over a relationship with a man.

So this is what it feels like

To be totally, completely selfless.

Feels a lot like...Appendicitis.

Ooh.

Captioning performed by the national captioning institute, inc.