All language subtitles for The Golden Palace - 01x13 - Rose and Fern.

♪ ooh ♪

♪ thank you
for bein' a friend ♪

♪ travel down a road
and back again ♪

♪ your heart is true ♪

♪ you're a pal
and a confidante ♪

♪ and if you threw
a party ♪

♪ invited everyone
you knew ♪

♪ you would see ♪

♪ the biggest gift
would be from me ♪

♪ and the card attached
would say ♪

♪ thank you
for bein' a friend ♪

♪ thank you
for bein' a friend ♪

♪ thank you
for bein' a friend ♪♪

Captioning made possible by
witt/thomas/harris productions,
cbs television network,

And 1992 nci caption club/
grantsmanship

Oh, man.

[coughs]

Oh, god.

[coughs]

Ah, chihuahua.

Sophia, what does this
look like to you?

George hamilton
in five years.

No, sophia. I think
you overcooked this.

No, I didn't.

Oh, really?

Have you ever seen a duck

This black and smoky?

I have. Daffy.

But only after
bugs bunny gives him
a dynamite cigar.

Why doesn't that
duck ever learn?

He can't, rose.
He doesn't have a brain.

Sound familiar?

Oh,
I'm the dumb one?

You're the one
who's overcooked
three meals today.

If we had a
stupid-person race,

I think
you'd come in first.

Maybe the oven is broken.

Oh, it is.

Didn't you get the note
I left inside the oven?

And at the wire,
it's rose by a nose.

Sorry. Things have been
a little tight lately.

We've been putting off
some repairs.

Blanche said she'd
call the repairman.

You had blanche
call the repairman?

Why is that so bad?

Well, she's
been seeing him
for a year.

The only thing
he ever services
out here is her.

Before him,
it was the maytag guy.

Believe me,
he doesn't look like that
because he's lonely.

He's exhausted.

I don't know whether
you want it or not,

But there's
another message.

Miles again.

Yep. Third time
he's called today.

He says he really
has to talk to you.

I bet that woman
he's been seeing
dumped him.

I bet she
reduced him to a pile
of groveling rubble,

Wiping out
every last ounce
of his self-esteem.

Ha ha ha ha!

Why do you suppose
miles keeps calling?

My guess is
he wants to get back
together.

But you're not
considering it?

I don't know.
I'm so confused.

I want to make
an intelligent decision.

Ha ha!

Half of me
misses him terribly,

Half of me wants
to get on with my life.

And the other half
of me...

Wants to take an ax

And hitchhike
around the midwest

Looking for guys
who look like miles.

O.K., let the evil rose
go to sleep.

I want to talk
to the good rose now.

Coming up.

Honey, I know this
is difficult for you,

But miles hurt you,

And he'll hurt you again
unless you're strong.

You're right.

I should stop
letting miles

Come and go
as he pleases,

But what
should I do?

You're going to start
dating again.

Maybe you're right.
I should meet
some new men.

There you go.

I don't need miles.

Tell it.

I get along fine
without him.

Now you're talking!

Can I sleep
in your room tonight?

Well, it's going to be
a little crowded...

But what the hell?

It is a great place
to meet men.

You're not finished
going over the books yet?

No. There's $300
I can't account for.

Just do what I do
when my checkbook
won't balance.

Just take the $300
and put it in
the whoopsie column.

There must be
something wrong
with this ledger.

I can't find
any whoopsie column.

What the...

Now, don't get sarcastic.

I learned that system

From a guy who owned
a savings and loan.

It's perfectly legal.

Look, this is more
than whoopsie money,
blanche.

There's a pattern
going on here.

I think
somebody's stealing.

Oh? Oh. Well, then,

The thief
has to be caught.

I will not allow
thievery in my hotel.

Whoever
this guttersnipe is,

I'll snatch him.

You'd be surprised
how good I am

At getting people
to expose themselves.

I hope I'm wrong
about this,

But let's watch
what we spend,

And we don't
want to arouse any
unnecessary suspicion,

So don't tell anybody
we got money problems.

My lips are sealed.

My lips are sealyour stay?

Actually, no.

No?

I came here
to visit my aunt edna
in the hospital.

She's the only family
I have left,

And the doctor says
it doesn't look very good.

When she's gone,
I'll be all alone.

Well, when you come back
for the funeral,

I hope you think of us.

Blanche, I can't
believe you.

Sorry, but if we kee
losing money like this,

We'll be walking
the streets.

Well, at least
you'll have a job.

Excuse me.

You leave my personal life
out of this, you nitwit.

Don't you take
your frustrations
out on me,

You...Cheap...
Scallop.

The word is trollop,
you moron.

I am a cheap trollop.

Excuse me.

I'm looking for
a friendly, relaxed place
to hold my wedding.

You certainly came
to the right place.

We're wedding
specialists.

For the right price,
we can do anything.

I can give you
ice sculptures,

Champagne fountains,
a string quartet.

We're getting married
in two days.

Crepe paper
and pudding pops.
Take it or leave it.

I was hoping
for something

With a little more
romance and class.

I have a great idea
for a theme

If you don't mind
tradition.

I call it
"contentment isn't
just for cows."

This is your idea
of tradition?

It's a st. Olaf
tradition.

That's the dumbest
thing I ever heard.

I love it.

It's perfect.

I was raised
in the country.

This sounds like fun.

What do you envision?

It's a little daring,

But I see the groom
in black

And the bride in white.

You know, classic
holstein colors.

Oh, no.
Not the cow wedding
again, rose.

Let me write you
a check.

It's perfect.

There's another $200
missing.

Another 200?
Did you check?

Yeah. I even checked
the whoopsie column.

O.K., that's it.
No more stalling.

We got to find out
who that thief is.

It's somebody
who works here.

They're probably
doing something

To throw us
off the track.

Whoever it is
is playing dumb.

[ring]

May I help you?

[ring]

May I help you?

Darn those kids.

Nobody could be
that stupid.

Got to be an act.

Let's go nail her.

Rose, wait a minute.

Let's talk about
this money you took.

Oh, no.

Oh, I knew I'd
get caught eventually.

Thank goodness
it's out in the open.

I don't have
to hide anymore.

How did yurgin find me?

Yurgin who?

Yurgin shtultvinbrudengurder.

The boy I took
the nickel from
in the third grade.

He was doing
this magic trick on me.

You know, where you put
a nickel in one ear

And pull it out
the other?

Well, somehow
the nickel got lost
between my ears.

I've never been able
to get that nickel
off my mind.

Poor yurgin.
He wanted so much
to be a magician.

I ruined his life.

We know
how he feels, rose.

At least
I know it's not her.
Who's next?

Well, how about sophia?

Sophia?
Don't be ridiculous.

She would never
steal from us.

Sophia's been
like a mother to me

For these
last eight years.

I wouldn't dream
of accusing her.

All right, you little witch,
where's the money?

What money? I don't know
what you're talking about.

Stop stalling.
Don't make me get rough.

I'm not talking, screw.

By the way,
that's a nickname,
not a suggestion.

Listen, sophia, there's $500
missing from this hotel,

And you had access
to that money.

Right. Somebody
had to take it.

You assume it was me?

I've never done
a dishonest thing
in my life.

Oh, yeah? Would you take
a lie detector test?

Ah, you can beat
those things.

O.K., you don't
want to talk.

Perhaps you'd prefer
to listen...

To one of rose's
st. Olaf stories!

Please, blanche,
I told you,

I didn't take the money.

O.K., rose, give her
the uncle herky story

And don't hold back
on the talking chickens.

Blanche, there are
no talking chickens

In the uncle herky
story.

Yeah, that's right.

There's
no talking chickens.

There's ticktocking
chickens.

Little poultry
time bombs,

Every one of them.

Emotional messes.

They roamed through
the countryside--

Stop it, blanche!
Stop it!

Oh ho! I knew it was you
all along!

It's not me.

I just wanted to hear
the uncle herky story.

It sounds pretty cool.

Thanks for
the diversion, chuy.

It's good knowing
someone will
stick up for me.

Besides,
it's obvious who
took the money.

Or should
I say dinero?

What?

What is she
talking about?

Why would I take
the money?

Oh, chuy, let's face it.

You're the most likely
suspect.

You know,
- this isn't the first time

I've been on the
receiving end of prejudice.

I know I look different.

People like you
look at a guy like me

And just jump
to conclusions.

Boy, short guys
are so insecure.

So, I've made
a decision.

I'm getting
back together again
with miles.

What?

Oh, don't try
to talk me out of it.

I've given this
a lot of thought.

I'll make him
suffer a bit,

I'll make him
plead with me,

But I'll give in.

Why? Youere doing
so well on your own.

I'm not doing
that well.

It took me 10 years
to get over charlie,

And I don't have that
kind of time again.

I mean, maybe I am
giving in,

Maybe I'm settling,

But at my age, I can't
afford to be proud.

But, rose--

What can I tell you?

I still call him up
in the middle
of the night

Just to hear
the cute things
he says...

"don't you know
what time it is?"

"this happens again,
I'm calling
the police."

"who the hell
is this?"

And then,
before I hang up,
I always say,

"you blew it
big time,
smart boy."

And he doesn't
recognize your voice?

No. I talk to him
through a kazoo.

And after the kiss,
you and your new husband

Will head back
up the aisle,

Your bridesmaids
will moo...

And that will be that.

Oh, it's beautiful.

Oh, it's the wedding
I never had.

My husband charlie
wouldn't allow me

To have a dairy theme
at ours.

He was...

Proud?

Lactose intolerant.

Well, I hope you get
your wish someday.

Who knows?
Maybe I will.

I'm having
my old boyfriend
over today.

He wants me back.

I'm sure you're going
to make him very happy.

I'm going
to make him crawl.

Boy, I'm glad I'm out
of the dating scene.

My man problems
are over forever.

Fern?

Miles.
- Oh.

You know him?

Oh, yes. This is the man I'm
getting back together with.

Do you know him?

This is the man
I'm going to marry.

This is the man
who's my secret lover.

Just pointing out that
things could get worse.

This is the man you're
going to marry? ? Miles?

My miles?

You were planning on
getting back together
with this woman?

I came to talk
to rose.

You came to cheat
on fern.

I'm not cheating
on fern.

Would you like to explain
why you came here

To beg me
to take you back?

I'm here to tell you
I am getting married.

Ha! You call that
begging?

This is horrible.
Rose, I'm sorry.

So wait a minute.

You didn't know that
fern was planning on

Having
the wedding here?

I had no idea.

I didn't tell you
because I wanted
to surprise you

With the cow theme.

We're--we're having
a cow theme?

I know.

Isn't that, like,
the craziest thing

You've ever
heard of?

I've heard of it,

But I never dreamed
I'd be lucky enough
to have one.

So whose idea
do you think it was?

How many times
have we talked about
this very thing?

Look, rose, sweetheart--

Don't sweetheart me.

This was supposed
to be our day,

Our wedding, our life.

Well, you blew it
big time, smart boy.

Oh, my god.
She's the kazoo woman!

You're up late.

What choice do I have?

I have to go
through all my cookbooks

To find out what
a cow wedding might be.

It's not like
there's a lot
written about it.

What will you make?

I don't know.
What do cows eat?

Grass.

Hey, there's an idea.

You know, I could bake

Some of those brownies
I used to make
in the sixties.

Never mind.

Can't sleep, sophia?

No. I'm still
upset about
that inquisition

Blanche
put me through.

Stealing.
She accused me
of stealing.

That's my purse, sophia.

Rose, there you are.

Listen, I can't sleep
because of this wedding.

The busineness
is not that important.

If you don't want
to have the wedding here,

Let's call it off.

No, it's o.K.
We need
the business.

I feel stupid
thinking miles was
coming to apologize.

You're doing
the right thing.

Always place
your business
first.

I have a story
about that.

Really?

Picture it--

An old italian lady
tells a story

To two other
old ladies
and a cook.

No. That's what's
going on here.

I got to go
further back.

Never mind, sophia.
I'll work it out myself.

Where's she going?

I got it.

Picture it--

The time
when dinosaurs
ruled the earth.

Oh, great.
- Now she's going to tell us

One of her
high school stories.

Rose, can I talk to you
for a second?

I'm pretty busy
right now, miles.

Can't this wait
till after you're married

To someone other than me?

Look, rose, I know
how awkward this has
been for you,

But you have
to believe me.

I had no intention
of hting you.

I would never let
my personal feelings
for you

Keep me from planning
the best wedding I can.

I'm glad
to hear that, rose.

Hey, what are
these stones for?

I thought we'd throw them
instead of rice.

Ahh...

No, rose,
this is not right.

I can't
get married here.

No, damn it,
you can't do this to me.

You have
to get married here.

Miles,
don't you understand?

It's--it's not
the business,

It's not the money,
it's me.

I have to see you
get married.

I need to know that
our relationship is over.

I want to get on
with my life, too.

I understand.

Aha!

Ha ha ha!

Caught you
with your pants down.

It's not exactly
like being first man
on the moon.

I can't
believe this, blanche.
You're the embezzler.

I'm not embezzling.
I'm just taking
some money.

And mickey rooney's
not short,

He's just a couple
of blocks away.

You want to tell me
what you're doing?

I'm taking this money
to hire a detective

To catch the embezzler.

It's you.
Taking the money
is taking the money.

You're embezzling.

No. This is for
business expenses.

Did you put a receipt
in the cash drawer?

Why would I?
It's my money.

The cash drawer
is not your cookie jar.

That's the business' money.
You're embezzling.

Whoopsie!

Oh, well, silly me.
I do this all the time.

I guess we don't need
to hire a detective.

Wait a minute.
That's it?

You stir up
all these accusations
and mistrust,

And now you're just
going to walk away?

You're right.
I owe you all
more than that.

Thank you.

I'll buy
a new dress

To look pretty
for you.

Well, the oven
repairman's leaving.

It's not easy
getting him out here
on the weekends.

I should have asked him
to look at the oven

While he was here.

How's the wedding going?

Fine.

Are you o.K.?

You're doing
the right thing.

I want you to know that.

Oh, I know.

I'm happy.
Really. I am.

Are you sure?

You know me.
I always cry
at weddings.

Captioning performed by
the national captioning
institute, inc.

I checked the book.
There's still $100
missssing.

It wasn't me this time.

Keep looking for that.

If we don't find it,
heads will roll.

Man, I got to get lucky.

I...

Captions copyright 1992
touchstone pictures
and television