All language subtitles for Superstore.S03E17.WEBRip.x264-ION10_English

.

[indistinct chatter]
- Good morning, everyone.

Good morning.

Okay, let's focus up.

- Quiet!

[chatter stops]

- Morning, everyone.

Okay, uh, before the new
district manager gets here,

I just wanted to warn you
her name is Laurie Neustadt.

And she's a woman,

so let's not act
like that's weird.

- Um, is it weird?

- No.
I mean...

just don't act like
anything's weird.

Ever.
In general.

- Nice recovery.
- Man, I hope she's a WILF.

It's a woman I'd like
to [bleep].

- [gasps]
That's what that means.

- I'm excited to have a woman
in charge.

- The world's moving too fast.

Enough already.

- I'm just worried that
I'm gonna say something weird.

I wish I knew something
more about her.

- I'm Googling her, and
apparently she's from Denver.

- Denver, terrific.
Let's go with the Denver thing.

- Or we could just treat her
like she's a human being.

- Yeah, but we've got
the Denver thing

in case that doesn't work out.

- Right,
and why wouldn't that work?

- Okay, she's here.
Places, everyone!

- Whoa, whoa,
wait, wait, wait, wait.

- What?

- Now I'm ready.

- Hey, everyone.
- Milady.

- Okay.
Um, hi.

I am Laurie Neustadt.

I'm taking over for Jeff.

I'm gonna be here all day
walking around,

getting to know the store,
trying to figure out ways

we can make things
a little more efficient.

So, um, busy day.
Let's, uh, get back out there.

- Let's get back out there.

Bet they say that a lot
on the slopes of Denver, huh?

- I guess. I...

- Actually, I think this is
a different Laurie Neustadt.

- [sighs]

[upbeat music]

♪

- Laurie seems like
kind of a bitch, right?

- She's like this strict
schoolteacher in a porn

but nothing good
ends up happening.

She just, like, teaches.

- Yeah, and her shoes
made a lot of noise.

I mean, what?

- Are you guys seriously
weirded out by a female boss?

It's 2018.

- You're right.

To be honest,
I really liked her shoes.

- You know, a lot of people
think women make better bosses

than men.

It's like they say, uh--
Ginger Rogers did everything

Fred Astaire did but backwards
and in high heels.

- That's total crap.

When did Ginger
dance backwards?

- Oh, uh, it's just
an expression.

- They danced in circles
or side by side.

- You're only defending her
because she's a woman.

That's sexism.

- If she was a man,
there's no way we'd be

standing around talking
about her appearance.

- Exactly.

- Name one picture where
Ginger Rogers was better

than Rita Hayworth.

- I don't know any.

- Ginger Rogers was nothing.

- Come on, man.

"Big Time."
"Top Hat."

"Swinging Down to Rio."

You froze up, dude.

- ♪ Down to the Love Shack

♪ I got me a Chrysler,
it seats about 20 ♪

♪ So hurry up
and bring your ♪

- Ugh, Laurie's gonna be
looking at our stats,

and my checkout scores
are terrible.

That scanner never
works for me.

It's probably because
I swallowed a magnet

when I was four.

It just never came out.

- Who cares if you're bad
at one thing?

I'm bad at driving,
but I'm good

at texting and driving.

- My UPM score is a five.

- A five?
Even I got a 30.

- Well, you have better
hand-eye coordination.

I can't be wasting my time
playing "Star Trek" video games

all day.
- Uh, it's "Star Wars."

- Same diff. They're just
ugly people floating in space.

- Yeah, they're not
floating in space.

They're on planets
most of the time.

That's just
an ignorant comment.

- Oh, excuse me,

you're the floor manager,
right?

- Uh, yeah, hi.
Amy.

- Hi.
Um, there is an employee,

Sal Kazlauskas,
who has a lot of open

sexual harassment complaints
against him.

- Yeah, it's fine.
He died in the wall.

- That's this store?
- Mm-hmm.

- Okay, good to know.
Thank you.

- Yeah, anytime.

Hey, um, can I just say, it's--
it's really cool to have

a woman district manager.

I mean, it's about time, right?

- Thank you.
Well, I had to have sex

with a lot of board members
to get here, so...

I'm kidding.
[laughs]

- [laughs]
No, I didn't--

I mean, I wouldn't--

Anyway, uh, if I can, you know,
give you a hand with anything,

let me know.
- Oh, actually, you know what?

I would love some help
with some of these

personnel details.

- Oh, uh, yeah.
Okay, sure.

Arby's has the meats,
but Amy's got the deets.

I'm sorry. That was weird.
- That was weird.

- Hey, I just wanted to make
sure we're on the same page

about keeping this whole
situation from Laurie.

- Oh, 'cause you're
not married.

- What?
No.

I just mean a lot of bosses
don't like preggos.

- What?
No, everyone loves preggos.

It's like the saying.

Everyone likes preggos,
LEGOs, and Eggos.

- Not me.
If I hear someone's pregnant,

all I think about
is bathroom breaks

and doctors' appointments
and hormones.

It's like, we don't need
another Elias.

- Okay, but Laurie's gonna
find out eventually.

- Well, we'll deal with that
if it comes to it,

but for all we know,
I may lose the baby

and this is never
even an issue.

- Wait, what?

- I'm just saying,
things happen.

I live in a very dangerous
neighborhood.

People are always
pushing other people.

Anyway...
[knocks]

Later, boss.

- [stammers]
Move! You've gotta move.

- We try and keep
Carol and Sandra

on opposite sides
of the store.

It's sort of like a--
like a Crips and Bloods thing.

- And Justine Sikowicz?

- Justine is a hard worker.

Um, she cries a lot
in the bathroom.

But not, like, in a way
where you feel like you have

to go in.
- Got it, okay.

Uh, Myrtle Vartanian?

- Oh, Myrtle, yeah.
She's sweet.

She doesn't do very much.
Doesn't do it very well, but...

- She actually
makes more money

than anyone else
at her level.

- Yeah, well, I guess when
you've been here that long,

even 40-cent pay bumps
add up, huh?

- Good to know.

All right, well,
at least we know

we can cut Myrtle.

Okay, why don't you tell me
about Cody?

- Oh, wait, uh, sorry.
Um, when you say cut Myrtle,

you don't mean like--

- Oh, my God, no.
I'm not, like, a monster.

- Oh, okay.
Phew.

- I'm not, like, gonna
literally cut her.

No, I just mean fire her.
- Oh, um--

- Okay, tell me
about Marcus White.

What's his IQ?
Because if it's low enough,

we get a tax break.

- [laughs]

.

- So out of the blue,
she just decided

to fire Myrtle?

- Exactly.

Yeah, that's exactly
what happened.

- There has to be a reason.

- Well, I don't know.
I just met her.

I don't know what's
inside of her mind.

- I think you do know.

- Okay, fine.

I might have mentioned
that Myrtle is not

very good at her job.

- What?
Why would you say that?

- Because she asked me
about Myrtle.

- So you led with,
"Myrtle's not good at her job"?

- No, I led with,
"She's very sweet,

and she's not very good
at her job."

I don't know.
We were bonding.

Are we gonna stand around
and just point fingers,

or are you gonna help me
fix this?

- I was thinking we could
point fingers

for a few more minutes.

- Myrtle's a fixture.

I mean, would you want me
to fire the light bulbs

or to--would you want me
to throw our plumbing

out into the cold?

- I would, if the pipes cost us
more than any other pipe

for doing inferior work.

Look, I'm sure she will
find another job, Glenn.

- Who's gonna hire her?

She's useless.

Can I at least wait
until the end of the day?

I would like to show her
one last perfect day

before she wanders off
into the great unknown.

- Okay, I'm asking you
to fire her, not kill her.

- How do you live
with yourself?

[scanner beeping]

- [sighs]

- Is sighing really gonna
help me go faster?

You're just wasting air.

[scanner beeping]

- [sighs]

- [sighing mockingly]

There, how do you like it?

I just can't make it work.

Okay, I-I don't know how you
check out people so quickly.

- Why don't you just go
into Glenn's computer

and change your stats?

- You can do that?

- You kidding me?
I do it all the time.

Why do you think
I never work Fridays

but get paid for Fridays?

- You think I should?

- Well, isn't that
kind of like cheating?

- Not really.

'Cause if you think about it--
- It's cheating.

It's 100% cheating.

- I think Garrett
makes a good point.

I'm gonna do it.

- Well, I guess while
you're in there,

you can change your
employee photo too.

- Enough about the photo!

I had a lot of sodium
that morning.

- I just get nervous
if I go too tight,

it'll hurt the baby.

- Women have been wearing
corsets for centuries.

If a little squeezing hurt,
I think we would have heard

something about it.

- There used to be really high
infant mortality.

- Fine, I'll go get
Justine to help.

- No, no!

I'll do it.
I can do it.

- Okay.

- [grunts]

Oh, it's pretty tight.
I don't know.

- Sandra, I swear to God.

- Why don't you just
tell Laurie you're fat?

Because fat people
are fat everywhere.

This is clearly
a baby bump.

- We could pad you all over,

like how they do
Hollywood actors.

Eddie Murphy, Martin Lawrence,
Tyler Perry.

I am not intentionally
just naming black actors.

- Sandra, if I didn't need
your Hulu password,

I would kill you right now.

- Myrtle, what would be
your idea of a perfect day?

- I guess I'd like to spend
one more day

with my late husband,
Charlie.

- Oh, okay, but what about
a perfect day in the store?

- If Charlie
came in the store.

- Okay, I'm not God.

- Hey, Myrtle,
you borrowed some scissors,

and I need them back.

- You leave her alone!

This is Myrtle's day!

You take all the scissors
you want, honey.

- Hey, Laurie, um,
can we talk to you?

- Sure, who's this?

- Hi, um, I'm Jonah.
Simms.

- Mm, he does look like
a male Tinkerbell.

- Uh, you can't fire Myrtle.

She is an invaluable asset
to this store.

- Okay, Amy, I really don't
want to fire anyone, right?

Certainly not
a sweet old lady,

but corporate is on me
to cut the budget.

- What if we found
the savings elsewhere?

Could she keep her job then?

- She makes $20 bucks an hour.

- Myrtle?

Dude, yeah, no,
that makes sense.

It's nice to see a woman
not just making 79 cents

on the dollar.

- We can find those savings.

I just cut my own home budget
down simply by going

to the library when
I need the Internet,

so if we do it,
can she keep her job?

- Sure, yeah.

Give it a try.

- All right.
- Thank you.

- Tinkerbell.

- I don't know
where she heard that.

.

- I--
It's tough.

- Come on,
you went to business school.

Can't you just track down
some wasteful spending?

- It's not like there's a line
item for wasteful spending.

- [sighs] Well, let's think
outside the box

or cut the pork.

Like, that's a thing, right?

- Those are words, yes.

- Come on, Jonah.
You can do this!

I know you can do this.
Come on, baby!

Find the money!

Show Mama the money.

- O-okay, all right, okay,
I appreciate the energy, Mama.

But can you let me focus?

- Yeah, okay,
whatever you need.

- Well, okay, we leave
the A/C on in March.

It's just competing
with the heat.

If we turn both of them off,

that would save us $200.

- Yes, okay!

Mama smells the bacon
'cause Papa found the pork!

200 bucks!
- I don't like any of this.

- Neither do I,
but Mama can't stop.

Okay.

- Why are you shutting
the blinds?

- [whispering]
So no one can see us.

- [loudly] Oh, you're afraid
we might get caught

changing your register scores?

- Fine.
Can we just change the scores

so we can get out of here?

- All right, I'm just looking
for the right window.

Glenn's taxes,

Google search for how many
tomatoes in the world,

his church's MySpace page.

Ah, here we are.
Employee records.

- Okay.
- Your UPM score is now 120.

- 120?
Isn't that kinda high?

- I don't know, man.
I mean, we're here.

You might as well change it
to something impressive.

- You're right.

This is my Tonya Harding
moment,

and I've gotta claw my way
to the top.

Okay.

121.

It's a little less obvious.

- Excuse me, young lady.

Do you have any sugar?

My coffee is black with
an 80% chance of cream.

- There you go.

- Oh, my goodness.
Myrtle, look.

Isn't that Channel 4 weatherman
Skipper Sailes

in our very store?

- I don't know.
I watch Channel 5

with Craig Moeller.

- Oh.
O-okay.

I could have sworn
you said Channel 4.

- Hey, it's cool.

Craig's great.

Really good at what he does.

- Craig's the best.

- So, uh, Glenn,

maybe you can just reimburse me
for the coffee now.

- Yeah, later.

- Yeah, it's just otherwise,
I need to submit it

to the station as a--
- I said later, Skipper Sailes!

[scanner beeping]

- [gasps]
Hey, you're Dina, right?

- Uh...
- The assistant manager?

- Huh?
What?

Ah...

- I have a quick question
about the shrink reports.

- Sure, shoot.
[grunts]

- Do you wanna put
the box down?

- [grunts]
No, it's light.

[grunts]

- Okay. Uh, well,
it says that shrink

accounted for, like,
1.4% of total sales last month.

But at the same time,
the regional average

actually dropped.

- Mm-hmm.

- Now, starting
in the month of...

- [grunts]

- Hang on.
August--

- Just ask the question!

So sorry.
I, uh--hoo!

Just have to, uh,
use the restroom.

So maybe we can
discuss that later.

- Okay, great.
You know what?

I have to go too,
so I'll tag along.

- [laughs]
Great.

That's great.
Just, uh, follow me this way.

- You're bringing
the kettlebells

to the bathroom?
- Yes, I am.

They help me.

- Okay, if we got rid
of break room coffee,

we would save
another $300 a year.

- Great, let's take it.
That would put us over $8,000.

- Hey, you guys taking
the coffee?

- If we don't find enough
budget cuts to cover

her salary,
Laurie is gonna fire Myrtle.

- Oh.
- What?

- Are you kidding?
- Wait, why would she

fire Myrtle?
- Nobody knows.

It's just random.

- It's because she's a bitch.

Laurie, not Myrtle.

- Please, Jeff did all kinds
of crappy things,

and no one ever called him
a bitch.

- When Jeff changed the vendors
for the vending machine,

you called him
a [bleep].

- Yeah, well, that's because
the vending machine

didn't have any Takis.

- Sorry, if Laurie
is being a bitch,

wouldn't the truly sexist thing
be for me

to not call her
a bitch?

- No, that's not the point.

- Actually, I think
I kind of agree with Marcus.

- What?
- Yes!

Red pill brothers.

- No, I just mean
if we had true equality,

you could call out women
for doing something terrible

when they're doing
something terrible.

- Like being a bitch.

- See, there's that word again.

Maybe let's not use that.
- Don't?

- Yeah, only women
can use the word "bitch,"

'cause we took that word back,
right, ladies?

- No, bitch, the gays
took that from you.

- Okay, I think
we're off track.

- To be honest, I'm not sure
what on track would look like.

- Hey, if Hitler was a woman,
would you be defending Hitler?

- No, obviously not.

- What if Oprah hosted
the Holocaust?

- I'm not sure one hosts
a holocaust.

- Don't mansplain her.

- Okay, I'm not in favor
of any holocaust,

but if there was a holocaust,
then yeah,

Oprah's who I would want
to host it.

- And I actually
agree with that.

- Mm-hmm.
- Me too.

- Yeah.
- That's a really good--

- I think we solved sexism,
guys.

- Myrtle, you've been with us
a long time.

And all good things
must come to an end.

Myrtle, I am trying
to talk to you.

- Oh, I'm sorry.
I...

I just like looking
at the trucks.

I always wanted to drive
one of those.

- All right, Myrtle.

Are you sure you know
what you're doing?

- Yep.

[radio beeps]
Breaker 1-9.

This is Myrtle the Turtle
saying,

keep it groovy.
[static crackles]

- Get off this channel.

- Mateo, I've just been going
over everyone's UPM numbers.

Your score's very impressive.

- Oh, really?

Um, I thought it was
just average.

Maybe slightly above.

But, uh, wow.
Thank you.

- I mean, I've never seen
121 UPM before.

- 121!
[laughs]

That's so stupid.

Good.

Stupid good.

- I didn't even know
that the lasers

could read the bar codes
that quickly.

Wow.

Hey, you know what would be
a good idea?

If Mateo did a demonstration
of his technique

for the rest of us.
- [scoffs]

What?
- I love that idea.

Okay, excellent.
Yes.

Let's meet, register one,
five minutes, okay?

- Five minutes, we'll be there.
- See you there.

O-okay.

What was that?

- That's what happens
when you say that "Star Wars"

and "Star Trek"
are the same thing.

- What--so this whole thing is
just a setup because I insulted

your stupid space opera?
- Shh!

Save your energy.

- Oh, God.

.

- ♪ Heaven, I'm in heaven

♪ And my heart beats so
that I can hardly speak ♪

- You're a good man.
- Look how good she's doing.

- ♪ The happiness I seek

♪ When we're out
together dancing ♪

[scraping]

- Oh, that's my car.

That's what I get for parking
outside the lines.

[horn honking]

- Is this everyone?

Should we wait for more people?

- Mm, nope.
We're ready.

- Great.
[clears throat]

[grunts]
Just...

[sighs]

Ooh.

You don't wanna start
with cold muscles.

- Hey, you look
pretty warm to me.

It's showtime, Mateo.

- Okay.

Great.

So, um...

first thing is, um,

check the equipment.

So...

Oh. Ah, looks like
it's broken.

- You just turned it off.

Here.

- Thank you, Cheyenne.

[sighs]

So now we begin.

[sighs]

Bees!
- What?

- Oh, I got stung!

Bees!

Killer bees!
Killer bees!

Get out of the store!
There's killer bees!

Get out!

Get out!

Killer bees!

- ♪ Or another,
I'm gonna lose you ♪

♪ I'm gonna trick you,
trick you ♪

♪ Trick you, trick you

♪ One way or another

♪ I'm gonna lose you

♪ I'm gonna give you the

- This red area here

represents all the money
the store spends on utilities.

- Amy, that is
a big slice of pie.

- A very big slice,
Jonah.

I mean, I couldn't
finish that.

But when the store shifts over
to LED and motion sensors,

then something happens
to that slice of pie.

Next slide.
- Mm.

- That slice gets
a lot smaller.

- Yeah, you know, if someone
offered me a slice that size

at a birthday party--
- Okay, I have to leave

in two minutes,
so if we could just

hurry this up, please?

- Oh.
- Yeah, of course.

Go to the end.
- Okay.

- Keep going.
- Let's see, uh...da-da-da.

- I'm sorry, was that
the donkey from "Shrek"?

- Yeah, that was
for a budget pun,

but it doesn't matter anymore.

- Oh, okay, here we go.

Uh, once you've added up
all the cost-saving provisions,

the total savings comes to...
- $18,326.

Now, that's so many savings.
- Now, that is a lot of savings.

- Wow.

That, I have to admit,
is very impressive.

- Thank you.
- That's nice of you to say.

- Great, so, um--
so Myrtle gets to keep

her job, then?
- Yay!

- Oh, I just--I'm sorry.
I can't justify keeping her.

- Wait.
- Um, but you said that if we

found the savings,
you wouldn't fire her.

- I know that I said that,
but, yeah, I just--

honestly, I didn't think
that you'd be able to do it.

All right.

Very impressive, though,
and very good work.

I got my eye on you guys.

You have a very bright future.

Oh.

What's the joke
about the donkey?

- Oh, uh, "Only an ass would
keep writing blank Shreks

for doughnut Thursdays."

- Funny.

- Told you it wasn't funny.

- ♪ Babe, stepping out

♪ Into the night

- So you've never even
been to Denver?

- No, why do people
keep asking me that?

- Laurie.

Ah, quitting time, huh?

- Oh, yeah.
- Man, I cannot wait

to get home.

I am gonna get drunk.

Smoke some cigarettes,
jump on my trampoline.

Whoo!
- Okay, it's a big night.

[laughs]
I'm sorry, you just--

you look different.

- Whoa.

You know, in the future,

I'd appreciate if you didn't
comment on my body.

You're a woman.

You should know better.

[scoffs]

- So what do you think
of Laurie now?

B-word?

C-word?

A-word?

I think she's a [bleep].

- Okay,
so same as Jeff.

- Yeah, gender neutral.

- We've come a long way.
- Yay!

- What is happening?
- Whoo!

That was the best day ever!

- Oh, I'm so glad!

Myrtle, you're fired.
I feel terrible.

Whoo, best day ever!
Come on!

Best day!

Best day.