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1
00:00:01,335 --> 00:00:01,495
2
00:00:01,535 --> 00:00:01,965
[quirky music]
3
00:00:04,505 --> 00:00:09,635
4
00:00:09,677 --> 00:00:11,177
- Hey!
5
00:00:11,212 --> 00:00:12,482
What are you--
what are you doing?
6
00:00:12,513 --> 00:00:14,283
- Um, just some stuff.
7
00:00:14,315 --> 00:00:18,385
- No, you were--
you're trying to rob the store.
8
00:00:18,419 --> 00:00:19,689
- Yeah.
9
00:00:19,720 --> 00:00:22,260
- Well, you--put it back.
10
00:00:22,290 --> 00:00:24,130
- Uh, I don't think I'm gonna.
11
00:00:24,158 --> 00:00:28,058
- Wh--well, I caught you,
so, y-you have to.
12
00:00:28,096 --> 00:00:29,456
- Um, I don't think I do.
13
00:00:29,497 --> 00:00:32,467
- But th--
that's how this works.
14
00:00:32,500 --> 00:00:35,500
No, don't just--no.
Don't take more.
15
00:00:35,536 --> 00:00:36,536
- Do you have a gun?
16
00:00:36,570 --> 00:00:37,740
- No!
Maybe.
17
00:00:37,771 --> 00:00:41,141
Maybe I do.
18
00:00:41,175 --> 00:00:43,275
- Uh, I-I don't think you do.
19
00:00:43,311 --> 00:00:47,151
- Well, I don't think you do,
so, you know, it's a tie.
20
00:00:47,181 --> 00:00:50,221
What do you think about that?
21
00:00:50,251 --> 00:00:52,751
- Okay.
Excuse me.
22
00:00:52,786 --> 00:00:54,256
- Oh.
Wait!
23
00:00:54,288 --> 00:00:55,558
No, no, no, no!
No, he--no.
24
00:00:55,589 --> 00:00:57,289
- Who is that?
- He's a stealer--
25
00:00:57,325 --> 00:00:58,585
uh, thief. He's a thief.
26
00:00:58,626 --> 00:01:00,186
- You can run,
but you can't hide!
27
00:01:02,463 --> 00:01:05,203
[grunts]
28
00:01:05,233 --> 00:01:07,703
Jonah, call the police!
- Right.
29
00:01:07,735 --> 00:01:10,335
- Look who's grounded now.
30
00:01:10,371 --> 00:01:13,711
Jonah, I just did
a "Law & Order" type zinger.
31
00:01:13,741 --> 00:01:15,441
Oh, he's calling the police.
32
00:01:15,476 --> 00:01:18,506
- [grunts]
- Not on my watch, buddy.
33
00:01:18,546 --> 00:01:23,276
[upbeat music]
34
00:01:23,317 --> 00:01:25,687
I saw immediately
it was a 487 in progress.
35
00:01:25,719 --> 00:01:27,389
The perp appeared to be unarmed.
36
00:01:27,421 --> 00:01:29,761
I did not see him violate
my colleague, however,
37
00:01:29,790 --> 00:01:32,390
he could have violated him
before I arrived on the scene.
38
00:01:32,426 --> 00:01:35,526
- Is that what happened?
- No, he did not violate me.
39
00:01:35,563 --> 00:01:36,863
- Well, you just had such
a shameful look on your face
40
00:01:36,897 --> 00:01:38,597
when I showed up.
41
00:01:38,632 --> 00:01:40,272
I don't know what he could have
done to you beforehand,
42
00:01:40,301 --> 00:01:42,141
but it is not your fault
if he touched you.
43
00:01:42,170 --> 00:01:43,440
- Okay, okay.
Nothing happened.
44
00:01:43,471 --> 00:01:45,211
All right?
I caught him stealing.
45
00:01:45,239 --> 00:01:46,469
End of story.
46
00:01:46,507 --> 00:01:48,137
- And you made no attempt
to stop him?
47
00:01:48,176 --> 00:01:49,876
- No, I mean,
I told him to stop,
48
00:01:49,910 --> 00:01:51,510
but he didn't.
49
00:01:51,545 --> 00:01:54,575
And then he asked me to move
and just took off.
50
00:01:54,615 --> 00:01:56,215
- Wait, I'm sorry.
51
00:01:56,250 --> 00:01:58,190
He asked you to move out
of the way so he could leave
52
00:01:58,219 --> 00:02:00,489
with the cash,
and you just did it?
53
00:02:00,521 --> 00:02:03,191
- He--well--he said,
"Excuse me," you know?
54
00:02:03,224 --> 00:02:05,434
So it was for of, like,
a reflex.
55
00:02:05,459 --> 00:02:06,659
- Oh, wow.
56
00:02:06,694 --> 00:02:08,604
- What is going on
in this neighborhood?
57
00:02:08,629 --> 00:02:10,659
We got robbed,
Home Depot got robbed,
58
00:02:10,698 --> 00:02:12,668
that weird store that
only makes copies got robbed.
59
00:02:12,700 --> 00:02:15,600
- I'm scared to even walk
to my car alone at night.
60
00:02:15,636 --> 00:02:19,706
- That is why everyone
gets a rape whistle.
61
00:02:19,740 --> 00:02:22,310
- That's a kazoo.
- Yeah, we had an overstock.
62
00:02:22,343 --> 00:02:26,213
So everyone gets a rape kazoo.
63
00:02:26,247 --> 00:02:27,777
I also think we need
parking lot buddies
64
00:02:27,815 --> 00:02:30,475
so that no one has to walk to
their car alone at night.
65
00:02:30,518 --> 00:02:32,248
- I'll be paired
with anyone but Sarah.
66
00:02:32,286 --> 00:02:33,786
That girl's got,
like, a huge
67
00:02:33,821 --> 00:02:35,591
restraining order against me.
68
00:02:35,623 --> 00:02:39,733
- I'll take any guy who's 6'2"
with blue eyes.
69
00:02:39,760 --> 00:02:41,860
Wait, we're talking about
picking boyfriends, right?
70
00:02:41,895 --> 00:02:42,855
[laughs]
- [groans]
71
00:02:42,896 --> 00:02:44,566
I'll take Justine.
72
00:02:44,598 --> 00:02:46,328
The robbers will probably
kill her before they kill me.
73
00:02:46,367 --> 00:02:48,397
- Since I don't drive,
could you assign someone
74
00:02:48,436 --> 00:02:50,266
to walk me to the bus stop
and wait with me?
75
00:02:50,304 --> 00:02:52,274
- We're not picking.
We're drawing names
76
00:02:52,306 --> 00:02:54,436
so that it's fair.
I will go first.
77
00:02:54,475 --> 00:02:57,945
Mine is...
Myrtle, so I'm gonna go again
78
00:02:57,978 --> 00:02:59,678
because everybody
gets one re-do.
79
00:02:59,713 --> 00:03:03,423
So my real one is Cheyenne,
and that one's final.
80
00:03:03,451 --> 00:03:05,621
- Can I be paired with Mateo,
actually?
81
00:03:05,653 --> 00:03:07,563
We usually go
to trivia night together.
82
00:03:07,588 --> 00:03:08,988
- Oh, you guys
do a trivia night?
83
00:03:09,022 --> 00:03:10,562
That sounds fun.
84
00:03:10,591 --> 00:03:12,291
- I still say I got
robbed last week.
85
00:03:12,326 --> 00:03:14,696
Women do not produce eggs.
That's chickens.
86
00:03:14,728 --> 00:03:17,568
- [laughs] Garrett mocked you
so hard for that.
87
00:03:17,598 --> 00:03:21,968
He was all like,
you know, funny stuff.
88
00:03:22,002 --> 00:03:25,542
- So, like, almost everyone
goes to this trivia night?
89
00:03:25,573 --> 00:03:30,683
- Yeah.
- Solid crew.
90
00:03:30,711 --> 00:03:32,011
I love trivia.
91
00:03:32,045 --> 00:03:35,345
- [obnoxious kazoo playing]
Sorry.
92
00:03:35,383 --> 00:03:36,983
I'm not being raped.
93
00:03:37,017 --> 00:03:39,887
I just was trying to play
"Camptown Races."
94
00:03:39,920 --> 00:03:43,320
- It's not a toy.
- It is not.
95
00:03:43,357 --> 00:03:44,857
- Dude, you need to
do something about Ken.
96
00:03:44,892 --> 00:03:46,632
He's a terrible security guard.
97
00:03:46,660 --> 00:03:48,660
He wasn't even here this morning
when the store got robbed.
98
00:03:48,696 --> 00:03:51,396
- Yeah, look, I know
he's not the best.
99
00:03:51,432 --> 00:03:54,602
But he is such a sweet man.
100
00:03:54,635 --> 00:03:56,495
- Look, I know it sucks
to fire somebody,
101
00:03:56,537 --> 00:03:58,537
but what's worse--
Waiting for some lunatic
102
00:03:58,572 --> 00:04:00,472
to come in here
and kill a customer,
103
00:04:00,508 --> 00:04:03,778
or having an
uncomfortable conversation?
104
00:04:07,481 --> 00:04:09,481
Security,
report to Customer Service.
105
00:04:09,517 --> 00:04:12,287
Security to Customer Service.
- Stop it.
106
00:04:12,320 --> 00:04:15,020
- He's taking a selfie, Glenn.
107
00:04:15,055 --> 00:04:16,755
The dude's taking a selfie.
108
00:04:16,790 --> 00:04:21,960
- My parking lot buddy is Jonah.
How is he gonna protect me?
109
00:04:21,995 --> 00:04:25,625
"Oh, stop.
Don't attack us."
110
00:04:25,666 --> 00:04:27,536
- I'm literally right here,
Myrtle.
111
00:04:27,568 --> 00:04:28,838
- Listen, her mind's
mostly gone,
112
00:04:28,869 --> 00:04:30,439
but she raises a good point.
113
00:04:30,471 --> 00:04:32,771
You froze while a guy
robbed the store.
114
00:04:32,806 --> 00:04:36,636
- Okay, again, I didn't freeze.
He was being calm,
115
00:04:36,677 --> 00:04:39,707
so I was being calm.
The robber sets the tone.
116
00:04:39,747 --> 00:04:41,747
- Oh, so are you just going to
be calm when a group
117
00:04:41,782 --> 00:04:43,882
of methed-out serial killers
stabs Myrtle to death
118
00:04:43,917 --> 00:04:45,547
in the parking lot?
119
00:04:45,586 --> 00:04:46,986
- No, because that would be
a different tone.
120
00:04:47,020 --> 00:04:48,660
- Come on.
- Hey, everybody.
121
00:04:48,689 --> 00:04:50,059
Can I get you to meet me
in the break room
122
00:04:50,090 --> 00:04:52,090
for a quick chat?
123
00:04:52,125 --> 00:04:54,625
- Is it about your boots?
124
00:04:54,662 --> 00:04:56,662
- Uh, no.
125
00:04:56,697 --> 00:04:58,397
Um, it's about
this morning's incident.
126
00:04:58,432 --> 00:05:01,672
- Is that when you
bought your boots?
127
00:05:01,702 --> 00:05:05,872
- Just--if everybody would just
meet me in the break room.
128
00:05:05,906 --> 00:05:08,876
[pop music playing]
129
00:05:08,909 --> 00:05:13,649
130
00:05:13,681 --> 00:05:15,651
- Okay, so, I wanted
to bring Dina up here
131
00:05:15,683 --> 00:05:17,793
so we could discuss
this morning's incident.
132
00:05:17,818 --> 00:05:20,648
- Listen, I don't
need an attaboy
133
00:05:20,688 --> 00:05:23,588
just for doing my job, okay?
But I do think it's positive
134
00:05:23,624 --> 00:05:26,694
that this can open a
conversation about self-defense
135
00:05:26,727 --> 00:05:28,427
and how each of us
need to take action--
136
00:05:28,462 --> 00:05:32,132
- What I'm saying is,
don't do what Dina did.
137
00:05:32,165 --> 00:05:34,495
- Ooh.
- I'm sorry, what?
138
00:05:34,535 --> 00:05:36,535
- He said,
"Don't be like you."
139
00:05:36,570 --> 00:05:38,710
- Dina took it upon herself to
physically confront the thief.
140
00:05:38,739 --> 00:05:40,539
And while it worked out
okay this time,
141
00:05:40,574 --> 00:05:42,444
it could have turned into
serious injury, or death,
142
00:05:42,476 --> 00:05:44,876
or God forbid,
a lawsuit.
143
00:05:44,912 --> 00:05:47,522
I'm obviously joking.
A lawsuit would not
144
00:05:47,548 --> 00:05:49,418
be as bad as death.
The point is,
145
00:05:49,450 --> 00:05:51,420
we have a policy for this.
So if you see
146
00:05:51,452 --> 00:05:53,152
something suspicious,
report it.
147
00:05:53,186 --> 00:05:55,386
Don't try to handle it yourself.
148
00:05:55,423 --> 00:05:56,563
- Yeah, we all know
what the policy is,
149
00:05:56,590 --> 00:05:57,960
but what was I supposed to do?
150
00:05:57,991 --> 00:06:00,761
Just stand there and make brown,
like Jonah?
151
00:06:00,794 --> 00:06:02,164
- What did Jonah do?
152
00:06:02,195 --> 00:06:03,795
- Well, I didn't actually
do anything--
153
00:06:03,831 --> 00:06:05,601
- Exactly.
He just sat there
154
00:06:05,633 --> 00:06:07,033
and watched a guy
rob the store.
155
00:06:07,067 --> 00:06:08,667
- Thank you.
That is what you
156
00:06:08,702 --> 00:06:10,872
should all do in the future.
157
00:06:10,904 --> 00:06:14,414
Thank you, Jonah,
for actually following protocol.
158
00:06:14,442 --> 00:06:17,612
- Oh, well, yeah.
I mean, you know,
159
00:06:17,645 --> 00:06:19,005
you guys came up
with the policy.
160
00:06:19,046 --> 00:06:20,876
I just knew it and followed it.
161
00:06:20,914 --> 00:06:22,424
- It's appreciated.
- Oh, my God,
162
00:06:22,450 --> 00:06:23,480
just sleep with him,
already.
163
00:06:23,517 --> 00:06:24,647
- What?
- Okay,
164
00:06:24,685 --> 00:06:26,185
what if someone steals a baby?
165
00:06:26,219 --> 00:06:28,159
What then?
Do you want me to just sit there
166
00:06:28,188 --> 00:06:30,888
and watch someone
take a baby?
167
00:06:30,924 --> 00:06:33,494
- What if the baby
is wearing a bomb?
168
00:06:33,527 --> 00:06:34,897
Then wouldn't you want
him to steal it?
169
00:06:34,928 --> 00:06:36,858
- I'm trying to picture
a scenario in which
170
00:06:36,897 --> 00:06:39,427
somebody planted--
- Oh, what if it's baby Hitler?
171
00:06:39,467 --> 00:06:41,767
- Oh.
- That's a very good question.
172
00:06:41,802 --> 00:06:43,072
- Is it?
- I think you gotta kill
173
00:06:43,103 --> 00:06:44,913
that baby Hitler.
- Yeah.
174
00:06:44,938 --> 00:06:46,868
- But how would you know that
that baby was gonna grow up
175
00:06:46,907 --> 00:06:49,177
to be Hitler?
What if that baby was gonna
176
00:06:49,209 --> 00:06:52,049
grow up to be
the exact opposite of Hitler?
177
00:06:52,079 --> 00:06:53,549
- Churchill?
- No.
178
00:06:53,581 --> 00:06:56,151
- Lance Bass.
- Interesting.
179
00:06:56,183 --> 00:06:57,923
- Oprah.
- Yeah, Oprah.
180
00:06:57,951 --> 00:06:59,751
- Oh, yeah.
- Gotta save that baby.
181
00:06:59,787 --> 00:07:03,757
- Gotta save it.
- I'm more of an Ellen person.
182
00:07:05,058 --> 00:07:09,058
It's fun when she dances.
- Anyway, what I'm saying is,
183
00:07:09,096 --> 00:07:12,096
don't be a Dina.
Be a Jonah.
184
00:07:12,132 --> 00:07:13,672
- Oh. Different.
- Wow.
185
00:07:13,701 --> 00:07:16,771
- Wait, you guys.
What if it's baby Oprah,
186
00:07:16,804 --> 00:07:19,814
but the person stealing it
is Beyoncé?
187
00:07:19,840 --> 00:07:22,540
[all murmuring]
188
00:07:29,517 --> 00:07:29,647
.
189
00:07:29,683 --> 00:07:30,483
- Ken, you--
You know how much I love you.
190
00:07:32,119 --> 00:07:33,789
- Oh, yeah.
Yeah.
191
00:07:33,821 --> 00:07:36,921
- But a thief just wandered into
the store this morning.
192
00:07:36,957 --> 00:07:39,587
- I know.
Crazy, right?
193
00:07:39,627 --> 00:07:40,987
I just heard about that.
194
00:07:41,028 --> 00:07:45,028
- And I hate to be
such a Sally Stickler,
195
00:07:45,065 --> 00:07:48,495
but technically,
you were supposed to be here.
196
00:07:48,536 --> 00:07:50,996
- Yes, yes.
And I'm so sorry.
197
00:07:51,038 --> 00:07:52,968
You know, it just--
it takes me forever
198
00:07:53,006 --> 00:07:54,536
to get going in the morning.
199
00:07:54,575 --> 00:07:56,605
'Cause I don't believe
in alarm clocks.
200
00:07:56,644 --> 00:07:59,184
I like to wake up when my body
is ready, you know what I mean?
201
00:07:59,212 --> 00:08:03,122
- But we've talked
about this before.
202
00:08:03,150 --> 00:08:06,550
And I think it's time
for you to go.
203
00:08:06,587 --> 00:08:10,087
- Oh.
- I'm so, so sorry.
204
00:08:10,123 --> 00:08:13,663
- No, it's nothing
to be sorry about.
205
00:08:13,694 --> 00:08:15,104
- God bless.
206
00:08:19,199 --> 00:08:23,239
Jerusha, how was it?
I feel sick!
207
00:08:23,270 --> 00:08:26,010
- All right.
Here you go.
208
00:08:26,039 --> 00:08:29,079
- Hey, you know, you can just
take this stroller and leave,
209
00:08:29,109 --> 00:08:31,009
if you want.
Just right out the store.
210
00:08:31,044 --> 00:08:32,784
This little girl
won't try and stop you.
211
00:08:32,813 --> 00:08:35,653
- Ow, what are you doing?
- Just explaining that
212
00:08:35,683 --> 00:08:37,183
you're a sackless wuss
that would even let
213
00:08:37,217 --> 00:08:39,647
this pipsqueak rob us.
- You know what?
214
00:08:39,687 --> 00:08:41,557
I'm just--I'm gonna
go pay for it.
215
00:08:41,589 --> 00:08:44,159
- Yeah, enjoy that.
- Sorry. Congratulations.
216
00:08:44,191 --> 00:08:47,661
What the hell was that?
- "What the hell was that?
217
00:08:47,695 --> 00:08:49,025
I'm a little baby."
218
00:08:49,062 --> 00:08:50,932
- Look, I can tell
you're upset--
219
00:08:50,964 --> 00:08:52,904
- No, you can't.
- Okay, look,
220
00:08:52,933 --> 00:08:55,873
maybe, uh, Jeff calling you out
in the meeting this morning
221
00:08:55,903 --> 00:08:58,213
was a little embarrassing--
- Uh, the only thing
222
00:08:58,238 --> 00:09:00,838
that's embarrassing is how far
Jeff is up your butt.
223
00:09:00,874 --> 00:09:02,284
Hello, Jeff?
Are you in there?
224
00:09:02,309 --> 00:09:03,979
- Okay.
- Try not to scuff
225
00:09:04,011 --> 00:09:06,211
your ridiculous boots.
- Oh, wow, right?
226
00:09:06,246 --> 00:09:09,546
How insane--
- We are not on the same team.
227
00:09:12,620 --> 00:09:15,090
- Hey.
228
00:09:15,122 --> 00:09:17,162
Oh, turkey sandwich.
229
00:09:17,190 --> 00:09:20,190
Hey, did you know that
the sandwich was invented
230
00:09:20,227 --> 00:09:24,667
by the Earl of Sandwich?
- Okay.
231
00:09:24,698 --> 00:09:26,728
- That's just a little random
fact that I knew.
232
00:09:26,767 --> 00:09:29,137
My head's full of all kinds
of things like that.
233
00:09:29,169 --> 00:09:31,739
- Who invented salad?
- Good question.
234
00:09:31,772 --> 00:09:33,372
I have another one.
Remember how we were just
235
00:09:33,406 --> 00:09:35,706
talking about turkey?
Which founding father
236
00:09:35,743 --> 00:09:38,913
wanted to make the turkey
our national bird?
237
00:09:38,946 --> 00:09:40,146
- Um--
- Huh?
238
00:09:40,180 --> 00:09:42,880
Anyone?
Benjamin Franklin,
239
00:09:42,916 --> 00:09:45,246
who, as we all know,
also invented the Franklin Stove
240
00:09:45,285 --> 00:09:47,755
and bifocals.
- Really?
241
00:09:47,788 --> 00:09:50,288
I don't think that's true.
- Well, it is true.
242
00:09:50,323 --> 00:09:53,193
I know it's true because
I just looked it up.
243
00:09:53,226 --> 00:09:55,156
- Okay.
[laughs]
244
00:09:55,195 --> 00:09:56,895
- So did he invent salad?
245
00:09:56,930 --> 00:10:00,970
- No.
No, that was someone else.
246
00:10:01,001 --> 00:10:03,971
[music plays softly]
247
00:10:04,004 --> 00:10:06,414
*
248
00:10:06,439 --> 00:10:09,409
- Ken?
You're--you're here.
249
00:10:09,442 --> 00:10:12,182
- Big time!
250
00:10:12,212 --> 00:10:15,282
- Okay, um, look,
maybe I wasn't clear,
251
00:10:15,315 --> 00:10:17,175
and that's my fault.
252
00:10:17,217 --> 00:10:20,817
But what I meant to say was,
253
00:10:20,854 --> 00:10:23,194
I don't want you to be
the security guard here anymore.
254
00:10:23,223 --> 00:10:26,663
- Oh.
So you're thinking
255
00:10:26,694 --> 00:10:28,734
move me over to what?
Like, sales?
256
00:10:28,762 --> 00:10:30,362
- I wasn't--
- 'Cause I do think that
257
00:10:30,397 --> 00:10:33,027
would be a better fit
for my particular skill set.
258
00:10:33,066 --> 00:10:34,426
'Cause if I'm being
honest with myself,
259
00:10:34,467 --> 00:10:36,337
I don't know anything
about security.
260
00:10:36,369 --> 00:10:37,939
- Okay.
Okay.
261
00:10:37,971 --> 00:10:41,011
- Yes, thanks.
Yes, yes.
262
00:10:41,041 --> 00:10:42,411
[laughs]
263
00:10:42,442 --> 00:10:44,382
- Oh, hey, Jonah.
I just wanted to tell you,
264
00:10:44,411 --> 00:10:46,181
I really liked the way you
handled yourself this morning
265
00:10:46,213 --> 00:10:47,683
with the robbery.
- Oh, thank you.
266
00:10:47,715 --> 00:10:49,745
Um, but that--
that wasn't really--
267
00:10:49,783 --> 00:10:51,453
- I get it.
But it's just nice to know
268
00:10:51,484 --> 00:10:53,824
we've got some level-headed,
calm people working here.
269
00:10:53,854 --> 00:10:55,094
So good job.
270
00:10:55,122 --> 00:10:57,322
- Uh, hey.
Hey, um--
271
00:10:57,357 --> 00:11:00,357
You know what?
This--this might sound weird,
272
00:11:00,393 --> 00:11:05,803
but, um, could you not
compliment me in front of Dina?
273
00:11:05,833 --> 00:11:07,903
- I'm sorry?
- I appreciate everything
274
00:11:07,935 --> 00:11:09,795
that you're saying,
but, um,
275
00:11:09,837 --> 00:11:13,107
I think Dina was a little
embarrassed about what happened
276
00:11:13,140 --> 00:11:15,810
this morning.
And when Dina gets embarrassed,
277
00:11:15,843 --> 00:11:19,313
she can be a bit of a bully.
- Dina's bullying you?
278
00:11:19,346 --> 00:11:20,976
- No, no.
That's not what I--
279
00:11:21,014 --> 00:11:24,724
No, I just meant that she can be
a bit of a bully.
280
00:11:24,752 --> 00:11:27,292
- Thank you for coming forward.
281
00:11:27,320 --> 00:11:28,960
I will talk to HR.
282
00:11:28,989 --> 00:11:30,119
- No, no, no, no.
You don't need
283
00:11:30,157 --> 00:11:31,987
to get HR involved.
No.
284
00:11:32,025 --> 00:11:33,925
- Okay, but you understand
you just informed me
285
00:11:33,961 --> 00:11:35,801
that a superior is bullying you.
Legally, that's something
286
00:11:35,829 --> 00:11:37,799
I have to report.
We've just had
287
00:11:37,831 --> 00:11:39,101
too many suicides.
288
00:11:39,132 --> 00:11:40,902
- Not necessary, no.
289
00:11:40,934 --> 00:11:44,244
- Okay, I take no joy in getting
Dina in any kind of trouble.
290
00:11:44,271 --> 00:11:45,971
- Really?
'Cause you're--you're smiling
291
00:11:46,006 --> 00:11:46,966
a little.
- Am I?
292
00:11:53,280 --> 00:11:53,450
.
293
00:11:53,480 --> 00:11:54,550
- It's been brought to my
attention that there has been
294
00:11:56,116 --> 00:11:57,816
some bullying in the store.
295
00:11:57,851 --> 00:11:59,091
I have spoken to
the person responsible,
296
00:11:59,119 --> 00:12:00,849
but I would like
to remind everybody
297
00:12:00,888 --> 00:12:03,088
that Cloud 9 has
a zero tolerance policy
298
00:12:03,123 --> 00:12:06,133
against bullying of anyone
under any circumstance.
299
00:12:06,159 --> 00:12:08,259
- What if you're
bullying Hitler?
300
00:12:08,295 --> 00:12:10,225
- Bullying's probably
what made him Hitler.
301
00:12:10,263 --> 00:12:13,103
- Actually, I think it was
not getting into art school.
302
00:12:13,133 --> 00:12:14,873
- Okay, can we just
forget about Hitler?
303
00:12:14,902 --> 00:12:17,542
- No, we can't ever
forget about Hitler.
304
00:12:17,570 --> 00:12:19,970
- She's right.
- Okay, I'm fine.
305
00:12:20,007 --> 00:12:21,837
I was not bullied.
- Believe me,
306
00:12:21,875 --> 00:12:24,535
If I had bullied Jonah,
Justine wouldn't be the only one
307
00:12:24,577 --> 00:12:26,247
with a broken nose.
- Heyo!
308
00:12:26,279 --> 00:12:28,379
- Okay, bullying's not
just beating people up.
309
00:12:28,415 --> 00:12:30,975
It's--it's any behavior that's
hostile or intimidating.
310
00:12:31,018 --> 00:12:32,448
- Like when your ex
buys $300 boots,
311
00:12:32,485 --> 00:12:33,845
but all he got you on your
birthday was a cake
312
00:12:33,887 --> 00:12:35,217
from the store bakery?
313
00:12:35,255 --> 00:12:36,955
- You said you
didn't want anything.
314
00:12:36,990 --> 00:12:38,390
So, you know what,
that doesn't matter.
315
00:12:38,425 --> 00:12:40,455
The point is, we all know
what bullying is;
316
00:12:40,493 --> 00:12:42,233
harassment, name-calling--
317
00:12:42,262 --> 00:12:45,072
- Sometimes it seems like you're
calling someone a name
318
00:12:45,098 --> 00:12:47,098
but then it's their actual name.
319
00:12:47,134 --> 00:12:50,574
I once met a Greek guy named
Herpes, or something like that.
320
00:12:50,603 --> 00:12:54,343
- I thought you fired that dude.
- I did. Twice.
321
00:12:54,374 --> 00:12:57,084
- Okay, so, what are
some other examples?
322
00:12:57,110 --> 00:12:58,980
- Moron, A-hole--
- Bimbo.
323
00:12:59,012 --> 00:13:00,282
- Bald jerk.
324
00:13:00,313 --> 00:13:02,253
- Herpes when their name
is not Herpes.
325
00:13:02,282 --> 00:13:05,322
- Va-Jonah.
- Opus Dei. Pasty freak.
326
00:13:05,352 --> 00:13:09,222
- Okay, I meant other examples
of bullying, not name-calling.
327
00:13:09,256 --> 00:13:11,886
But nobody here should
be calling you those.
328
00:13:11,925 --> 00:13:13,885
- Oh, no.
That was just my doctors.
329
00:13:13,927 --> 00:13:15,897
- How about being
excluded socially?
330
00:13:15,929 --> 00:13:17,199
- Sure, especially if they're
331
00:13:17,230 --> 00:13:19,030
purposely targeting
an individual.
332
00:13:19,066 --> 00:13:20,166
- What if it was more like
a group of people
333
00:13:20,200 --> 00:13:21,870
who were planning an event
334
00:13:21,902 --> 00:13:24,572
and they just weren't inviting
a specific person?
335
00:13:24,604 --> 00:13:27,984
- Um, I think maybe what you're
describing is just a loser.
336
00:13:28,008 --> 00:13:30,238
- Yeah.
- Yeah, that's a loser.
337
00:13:30,277 --> 00:13:33,107
- A lot of interesting
opinions today, Kelly.
338
00:13:33,146 --> 00:13:35,346
- Thank you.
- Sometimes the bus driver
339
00:13:35,382 --> 00:13:37,582
opens the door and,
when I try to get in,
340
00:13:37,617 --> 00:13:40,587
he drives forward a little
and then I try to get in again,
341
00:13:40,620 --> 00:13:44,930
but then he drives a little more
and we're all laughing,
342
00:13:44,958 --> 00:13:48,158
but still...
343
00:13:48,195 --> 00:13:51,625
- Yes, that is bullying, Sandra.
344
00:13:51,664 --> 00:13:55,074
Um... Jesus.
345
00:13:55,102 --> 00:13:58,142
- [blowing nose]
346
00:13:58,171 --> 00:14:01,311
[upbeat pop music playing]
347
00:14:01,341 --> 00:14:06,611
348
00:14:06,646 --> 00:14:08,216
- Wow.
349
00:14:08,248 --> 00:14:09,948
You really got this
firing thing down.
350
00:14:09,983 --> 00:14:11,953
- I think he's gonna make
a fine associate.
351
00:14:11,985 --> 00:14:15,355
- Stop.
Ow, you're breaking my arm.
352
00:14:15,388 --> 00:14:17,888
- Just trust me.
It's gonna fit, okay?
353
00:14:17,925 --> 00:14:19,525
Stop fighting, man.
[grunts]
354
00:14:19,559 --> 00:14:22,599
There you go.
- You're right, he's good.
355
00:14:22,629 --> 00:14:26,199
- Hey, hey.
- Ken.
356
00:14:26,233 --> 00:14:30,073
- Hey, it's the cool kids.
- Where?
357
00:14:30,103 --> 00:14:31,273
- You.
You're the--
358
00:14:31,304 --> 00:14:33,044
You're the cool kids.
359
00:14:33,073 --> 00:14:36,313
- Oh.
- So, um, any of you cats
360
00:14:36,343 --> 00:14:38,253
heading to this
trivia thing tonight?
361
00:14:38,278 --> 00:14:41,578
- Oh, no.
None of us get invited to that.
362
00:14:41,614 --> 00:14:43,124
- That thing is lame anyway.
363
00:14:43,150 --> 00:14:46,150
Hey, what if we did something?
364
00:14:46,186 --> 00:14:48,256
Together?
- Yes.
365
00:14:48,288 --> 00:14:52,028
- I always wanted to try that
bowling alley down the street.
366
00:14:52,059 --> 00:14:53,389
- Yes!
All right.
367
00:14:53,426 --> 00:14:55,926
Let's do it!
Bowling night!
368
00:14:55,963 --> 00:14:57,333
- I bet they have those wings,
369
00:14:57,364 --> 00:14:59,304
and they serve them
with ranch dressing.
370
00:14:59,332 --> 00:15:00,572
[British accent] Feels like
you're British or something.
371
00:15:00,600 --> 00:15:02,500
- Yeah.
Maybe.
372
00:15:02,535 --> 00:15:05,435
- I love bowling alleys.
They're so dark,
373
00:15:05,472 --> 00:15:08,682
so you can make any kind
of faces you want.
374
00:15:08,708 --> 00:15:12,178
- Okay.
- What should our team name be?
375
00:15:12,212 --> 00:15:15,652
- We should be the Best Friends.
376
00:15:15,682 --> 00:15:18,092
'Cause we are best friends.
377
00:15:18,118 --> 00:15:20,548
- Wow.
Yeah.
378
00:15:20,587 --> 00:15:23,287
- [laughs]
379
00:15:23,323 --> 00:15:27,663
- Oh, darn it.
I just remembered, um,
380
00:15:27,694 --> 00:15:30,664
Emma has a thing tonight.
381
00:15:30,697 --> 00:15:32,567
So...
382
00:15:32,599 --> 00:15:34,429
I can't.
383
00:15:34,467 --> 00:15:37,267
- Can we come?
- [laughs] Oh.
384
00:15:37,304 --> 00:15:41,744
Um, oh.
Uh, no.
385
00:15:41,774 --> 00:15:44,744
[music plays quietly]
386
00:15:44,777 --> 00:15:46,277
*
387
00:15:46,313 --> 00:15:48,323
- Hey, buddy.
Guess what this is?
388
00:15:48,348 --> 00:15:50,418
It's my first write-up.
Ever.
389
00:15:50,450 --> 00:15:52,190
So thank you so much for that.
390
00:15:52,219 --> 00:15:54,419
- Look, I'm sorry.
I genuinely did not mean
391
00:15:54,454 --> 00:15:56,564
to get you in trouble.
- Hey, it's all in the past.
392
00:15:56,589 --> 00:16:00,189
I just came over to ask you
in the most polite way possible
393
00:16:00,227 --> 00:16:03,057
to please clean up the spill
in aisle nine.
394
00:16:03,096 --> 00:16:04,326
- Uh, this is aisle nine.
395
00:16:04,364 --> 00:16:08,004
Jesus!
What is wrong with you?
396
00:16:08,035 --> 00:16:09,535
- Oops.
- You know what?
397
00:16:09,569 --> 00:16:12,609
I'm glad you got written up.
You are a bully.
398
00:16:12,639 --> 00:16:15,509
- Well, I'd rather be a bully
than a castrated garden gnome.
399
00:16:15,542 --> 00:16:18,312
- A garden gnome?
What would you even castrate?
400
00:16:18,345 --> 00:16:19,575
- Well, who knows what's under
those little pants?
401
00:16:19,612 --> 00:16:21,412
That's not the point.
The point is,
402
00:16:21,448 --> 00:16:24,348
at least I'm not too weak
to stop a simple robbery.
403
00:16:24,384 --> 00:16:28,094
- That was an awkward situation.
I could have destroyed that guy.
404
00:16:28,121 --> 00:16:29,691
- With muscles like those?
Come on.
405
00:16:29,722 --> 00:16:32,662
- I'm wiry because I work out
with resistance bands,
406
00:16:32,692 --> 00:16:35,102
but believe me.
They can get the job done.
407
00:16:35,128 --> 00:16:37,098
- So, you think you
could kick my ass?
408
00:16:37,130 --> 00:16:38,730
- Your ass?
Yeah, uh,
409
00:16:38,765 --> 00:16:40,465
obviously, I could--
sure.
410
00:16:40,500 --> 00:16:42,170
- Oh.
Well, then come at me.
411
00:16:42,202 --> 00:16:43,572
- Come at you?
- Come at me!
412
00:16:43,603 --> 00:16:45,273
Come at me, bro.
- What are you doing?
413
00:16:45,305 --> 00:16:46,805
- Oh, are you too scared?
- I'm not scared.
414
00:16:46,839 --> 00:16:48,079
I'm at work,
and I don't wanna
415
00:16:48,108 --> 00:16:49,378
lose my job, Dina.
416
00:16:49,409 --> 00:16:51,139
- Then let's take
this thing off campus.
417
00:16:51,178 --> 00:16:52,478
- What?
- Fight!
418
00:16:52,512 --> 00:16:54,152
Fight, guys.
Jonah's fighting Dina.
419
00:16:54,181 --> 00:16:57,651
Fight, fight, fight,
fight, fight--
420
00:16:57,684 --> 00:16:59,794
Guys, say it with me.
It's so much fun.
421
00:16:59,819 --> 00:17:03,389
Fight, fight, fight--
422
00:17:09,262 --> 00:17:09,562
.
423
00:17:09,596 --> 00:17:10,426
- So what's the best
case scenario, here?
424
00:17:12,432 --> 00:17:13,832
Dina beats you up,
or everyone gets to see
425
00:17:13,866 --> 00:17:15,596
you hit a woman.
- It's not gonna come to that.
426
00:17:15,635 --> 00:17:17,295
Bullies just need
to be confronted.
427
00:17:17,337 --> 00:17:20,337
- There.
Officially off Cloud 9 property.
428
00:17:20,373 --> 00:17:23,083
Now we're just
a couple of civilians.
429
00:17:23,110 --> 00:17:25,380
So show me what you got.
- Look, Dina, I'm not--
430
00:17:25,412 --> 00:17:27,112
I'm not fighting you.
This is--
431
00:17:27,147 --> 00:17:28,377
- Why?
Because I'm a woman?
432
00:17:28,415 --> 00:17:30,115
Because if you were
really a feminist,
433
00:17:30,150 --> 00:17:31,480
you'd punch me in the face.
434
00:17:31,518 --> 00:17:33,748
- What does that--
Okay, what are you--
435
00:17:33,786 --> 00:17:35,516
What are you doing?
I'm not gonna do that.
436
00:17:35,555 --> 00:17:38,585
- It's been a long time coming.
- Wh-what?
437
00:17:38,625 --> 00:17:39,825
- Since this morning.
438
00:17:39,859 --> 00:17:41,489
- I--I won't--
- Wait, guys.
439
00:17:41,528 --> 00:17:44,358
Just stop.
This is crazy.
440
00:17:44,397 --> 00:17:46,497
- Thank you.
- Now we're good.
441
00:17:46,533 --> 00:17:48,303
- Garrett, you don't need to--
You can turn it off,
442
00:17:48,335 --> 00:17:49,735
because--
all: Ooh!
443
00:17:49,769 --> 00:17:51,569
- Dina, what are you doing?
- Yeah, yeah.
444
00:17:51,604 --> 00:17:53,444
Get him to the ground.
- Dina, I'm not gonna--
445
00:17:53,473 --> 00:17:55,543
[grunts]
[cheering]
446
00:17:55,575 --> 00:17:58,105
- Hit him!
- Okay, all right.
447
00:17:58,145 --> 00:17:59,705
- Come on.
- Oh.
448
00:17:59,746 --> 00:18:02,376
- Stop rolling.
Your skin is very smooth,
449
00:18:02,415 --> 00:18:03,575
like a dolphin.
- I don't wanna do this.
450
00:18:03,616 --> 00:18:04,646
- Just fight me.
- No.
451
00:18:04,684 --> 00:18:06,354
- Come on.
- Ow.
452
00:18:06,386 --> 00:18:07,646
- Fight me.
- Stop, Dina, get off.
453
00:18:07,687 --> 00:18:09,387
Dina, get off!
- What the hell is that?
454
00:18:09,422 --> 00:18:10,792
- Nothing.
- What's wrong, man?
455
00:18:10,823 --> 00:18:12,533
Are you okay?
- Yeah, yeah, I'm good.
456
00:18:12,559 --> 00:18:14,189
I'm good.
I just--just gimme a minute.
457
00:18:14,227 --> 00:18:16,457
- Did you just get an erection?
- What? No.
458
00:18:16,496 --> 00:18:18,366
No, no.
- He did, it's true.
459
00:18:18,398 --> 00:18:20,828
[chatter]
We got a boner, everyone.
460
00:18:20,867 --> 00:18:22,897
- No, no, it's not.
It's--the friction
461
00:18:22,935 --> 00:18:25,705
from the pants are really soft.
- Boner. Boner. Boner. Boner.
462
00:18:25,738 --> 00:18:27,638
Really?
None of you?
463
00:18:27,674 --> 00:18:30,144
- Nice to get off early, huh?
464
00:18:30,177 --> 00:18:32,747
Have the whole night
to do whatever?
465
00:18:32,779 --> 00:18:34,749
- Uh-huh.
- Totally.
466
00:18:34,781 --> 00:18:37,551
- Like, maybe some laundry.
Oh, no, I did that yesterday.
467
00:18:37,584 --> 00:18:39,824
So, ugh,
what to do?
468
00:18:39,852 --> 00:18:42,492
What to do?
469
00:18:42,522 --> 00:18:44,292
- I'll see you guys over there.
470
00:18:44,324 --> 00:18:46,834
Let's get trivial!
[laughs]
471
00:18:46,859 --> 00:18:48,599
- All right.
- Whoo!
472
00:18:48,628 --> 00:18:51,698
- Seriously?
You guys invited that girl?
473
00:18:51,731 --> 00:18:54,171
I am way smarter than that girl.
474
00:18:54,201 --> 00:18:55,701
- Okay, girl, what are
you getting all
475
00:18:55,735 --> 00:18:57,465
"Real Housewives" about?
- I'm talking about,
476
00:18:57,504 --> 00:18:58,944
why aren't you inviting me
to trivia night?
477
00:18:58,971 --> 00:19:00,741
- 'Cause we figured
you weren't interested.
478
00:19:00,773 --> 00:19:01,943
- Why wouldn't I be interested?
479
00:19:01,974 --> 00:19:03,914
I love trivia.
I love nights.
480
00:19:03,943 --> 00:19:05,913
- You never wanna
do anything after work.
481
00:19:05,945 --> 00:19:07,805
- Yeah, you're always like,
"No,"
482
00:19:07,847 --> 00:19:09,717
and then you did that weird,
like, sarcastic thing.
483
00:19:09,749 --> 00:19:11,519
- Oh, like I would say
no to trivia night.
484
00:19:11,551 --> 00:19:13,591
- You're doing it right now.
- Okay, that's beside the point.
485
00:19:13,620 --> 00:19:16,220
I said no because I was married
and I had Emma to look after.
486
00:19:16,256 --> 00:19:18,626
But now I'm separated and
Emma has her own thing,
487
00:19:18,658 --> 00:19:20,588
and I spend most
of my nights by myself
488
00:19:20,627 --> 00:19:23,497
and I would really just like
to have a social life again.
489
00:19:23,530 --> 00:19:26,200
- Okay, great.
Just come to trivia night.
490
00:19:26,233 --> 00:19:28,573
- Okay, great.
- Great.
491
00:19:28,601 --> 00:19:29,741
- I will.
Thank you.
492
00:19:29,769 --> 00:19:31,599
- Okay, we'll see you at 10.
493
00:19:31,638 --> 00:19:34,938
Bye!
- Wait, uh, what--10:00 p.m.?
494
00:19:34,974 --> 00:19:39,414
Who starts trivia at--
10:00 p.m. is an awesome time
495
00:19:39,446 --> 00:19:42,746
to start trivia.
I love that idea.
496
00:19:42,782 --> 00:19:45,622
- Maybe you'll get that hard
salad question.
497
00:19:45,652 --> 00:19:48,662
- Oh.
- Ooh.
498
00:19:50,257 --> 00:19:51,887
- I'm so tired.
499
00:19:53,660 --> 00:19:57,230
- Hey.
- Uh, Dina, I really don't--
500
00:19:57,264 --> 00:19:58,904
- Listen, I'm feeling
so stupid for not realizing
501
00:19:58,931 --> 00:20:00,731
why you've been messing
with me so much.
502
00:20:00,767 --> 00:20:03,237
It's like a school boy
pulling your pigtails.
503
00:20:03,270 --> 00:20:05,970
- I'm sorry?
- You're still attracted to me.
504
00:20:06,005 --> 00:20:09,405
I get the message
hard and clear.
505
00:20:09,442 --> 00:20:11,412
And hard.
506
00:20:11,444 --> 00:20:13,014
- Um--
- Here's the thing--
507
00:20:13,045 --> 00:20:15,545
It's terrible timing,
because I just ended this thing
508
00:20:15,582 --> 00:20:16,952
with Garrett,
and I need to lone wolf it
509
00:20:16,983 --> 00:20:18,893
for a while.
- Yeah, I feel like you're--
510
00:20:18,918 --> 00:20:21,788
- You and I are just two ships
passing in the night.
511
00:20:21,821 --> 00:20:23,691
But that's not to say down
the road those two ships
512
00:20:23,723 --> 00:20:27,533
won't meet up in some harbor
and just drop anchor.
513
00:20:27,560 --> 00:20:30,360
You know?
- It's a beautiful sentiment.
514
00:20:30,397 --> 00:20:32,497
- It is.
- Yeah.
515
00:20:32,532 --> 00:20:34,532
- Oh, and speaking of ships,
516
00:20:34,567 --> 00:20:38,937
your mast--
very impressive.
517
00:20:38,971 --> 00:20:42,341
Well done.
518
00:20:43,843 --> 00:20:46,283
- Hey, parking lot buddy.
Ready to go wait
519
00:20:46,313 --> 00:20:47,783
at the bus stop with me?
520
00:20:47,814 --> 00:20:51,484
- Oh, um, you know what,
I'm actually gonna catch up
521
00:20:51,518 --> 00:20:54,418
with the trivia night guys.
- But you said it was lame.
522
00:20:54,454 --> 00:20:59,034
- Yeah, I did say that.
Yeah.
523
00:20:59,058 --> 00:21:01,658
But you're good
to walk alone, right?
524
00:21:01,694 --> 00:21:04,664
We'll start buddies tomorrow.
525
00:21:04,697 --> 00:21:06,927
- Okay.
526
00:21:06,966 --> 00:21:11,436
It's just a little dark,
but...
527
00:21:11,471 --> 00:21:14,941
and I don't know who that is.
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