Original subtitles

What am I suppose to wear to your wedding? The invitation just says,

"Not basic."

- You know, not basic.

I don't know how to explain it more than that.

- Yeah, like, Adam's wearing a gray suit.

- Mm, I mean, that's, like, semi-basic,

but you guys are old.

- I didn't know you were bringing Adam.

- Yeah, I thought your marriage was, like,

- No, it's fine.

We... we're just... We're in couples counseling,

and it's fine, and, please, nobody be weird around him.

Okay? - No...

I'm, like, super cazh.

- And, please, nobody say "super cazh,"

like, as a life rule.

- Well, personally, I'm gonna wear a polo dress.

All right? It's simple, beautiful, elegant...

Oh, but then again, I do have one

of Nancy Pelosi's old pantsuits.

I won it at an auction.

Do you think that would be better?

- I'm actually just wearing my bridesmaid's dress.

- You asked Amy to be a bridesmaid,

but you didn't ask me?

- What? Ohhh!

Uhhh...

Yah! - I get it.

I just kind of always wanted to be a bridesmaid, and I...

I don't know if I'll ever get another chance.

I mean...

my sister's just so ugly.

- All right, Dina...

you can be a bridesmaid.

- Yes! Oh!

You will not regret this.

Okay, I'm gonna need to see my dress asap,

in case I want to change the cut or the color.

- Does this sound fancy to you?

- Nah, just sounds like gold clinking up against crystal.

- What?

Those are two of the most expensive things!

I just got something from the "lost and found" bin at work.

- I don't want people spending money

they might not have tomorrow.

Corporate is making me lay off six people.

- Whoa. There's gonna be layoffs?

I don't want anyone to know.

- Okay, well, they're gonna find out

when the paychecks stop coming.

- I'll tell them tomorrow. - Mm.

- Cheyenne's wedding should be a day of joy...

that people look back on and say,

"I was happy that day.

That was the last day I was happy."

- You look fine. - Yeah? Fine?

- Yeah, fine. Yeah, good, like...

Like you always do.

Nice, you look nice. - Thanks.

You too.

I feel like everyone is looking at us.

Adam, nobody's looking at us.

- Adam!

Sorry. Adam.

Hey!

- You know what? Come on, let's bring it in here.

- Hey. - Yeah!

It's good to see you.

What's up? What's new with you?

I mean, with work, not... Not personal stuff.

- Super cazh. - No doubt.

- Still unemployed, but...

- Cool.

- I'm Kristen, by the way. - Yes!

That's Kristen. - Hi.

- My husband. - My... my husband.

Sorry, that's... Yeah. - It's my husband.

Oh.

- I... - What are you doing here?

- Hi. - Hello.

- Jear Bear, can you go get my vape pen?

I left it in the car.

- Oh, you're here together.

- Yeah! You remember Jerry.

We all met at that restaurant.

- It's nice to see you again.

- It's nice to see you again...

also.

- Kind of need that vape pen now.

- Right. Sorry.

- I love how strawberry smoke smells in my hair.

Beautiful, ladies, perfect.

Ma'am, could you lean back?

There's a shadow on the bride.

- Oh, sure.

- How are you feeling? Are you nervous?

- No, just excited.

- Listen, I filled my purse with muscle relaxants

and anti-flatulent meds.

Oh, and if you're gonna puke, you can use the purse.

- Okay, thanks.

- Told you I'd be a good bridesmaid.

- It's okay to be nervous, if you are, you know?

I was totally nervous at my wedding.

I was like, "Aah! Should I run away?"

Wouldn't that be so funny

if you just, like, ran away

I was just kidding.

What if we did our squad pose?

- Yeah! Squad pose!

- Oh, yeah.

- Oh, okay...

- Dina, just... - I'm sorry.

- Maybe lean... - What?

- Just lean. - I'm leaning.

- Lean in. - I'm leaning!

- Shadow.

- Yo, fellas, like, "sinceriously," thank you

for attending my nuptials and what-have-you-not.

- Sure. - Yeah.

I never thought I'd have so many nerds at my wedding.

You know what I'm saying? Ha.

- Ooh! Drama.

Amy's real husband.

Amy's work husband.

- Work husband? Huh.

Should I be worried? - No!

No, I mean... No, I got you.

Fight, fight, fight, fight!

- Yeah, yeah, you are Amy's work husband.

I see you two together, like, all the time,

walking around, you know...

It's like he's got wedding brain.

Sure. Okay.

- Whoa! Easy on the shrimp!

Those are supposed to be for everybody.

- I only took a few.

- Yeah, took a few hundred.

All right, put that back. - Okay.

- Yo, keep this girl away from the ocean!

That's where all the shrimp's at.

- These people aren't cogs you can just throw away.

They're a family.

They talk. They stand around.

I guess that's all they're doing right now.

I wish Jeff could see this.

Maybe I should invite Jeff here.

- Yes.

You should definitely do that.

- What is he wearing?

He looks like a woman.

- Bo?

Bo is a woman.

- Oh?

Lesbians.

Big-time.

- The whole world's going gay.

- Bigger steps.

You guys are killing our pace.

And one of you is wearing too much Cool Water.

- Yeah, that's me, Dina.

- Aw, Amy looks beautiful.

- Not my type.

- Mm-mm. No, I only like

tall, blue-eyed blondes...

and shorter Asians, but that is it.

- Dearly beloved, we are gathered here today

to witness the union of Cheyenne Taylor Lee

and Bilbo Derek Thompson in holy matrimony,

to be joined as husband and wife

for all eternity.

- No, I can't do this, okay? No.

- No, okay? I got to be free. You can't chain me down!

Do you have to do this right now?

- Cheyenne, maybe it's for the best.

- No, what's up? This can't wait, okay?

Okay, I can't stand up in here and say all these words

about loving you forever.

But I can rap them.

- Then we're gonna need a sick-ass beat.

Spit fire, Minister Funk-Ah-Khan!

- Yeah!

- She's very charismatic.

- Hey!

- Ain't no way I'm getting hitched to my ride-or-die

without my boys here repping me, son.

What's up?

Yeah!

Auntie Beth! Oh, my!

So good to see you.

Are you getting younger or prettier?

I can't tell.

Ow! - Relax, Bridezilla.

So, as your bridesmaid,

I'm supposed to come hold your dress while you...

you know, piss and.

And I'm clocking you in at three hours

since your last pit stop.

- Um, I-I'm good, thank you.

- Yeah.

For me, now is kind of perfect,

because those mini pizzas you served earlier are just...

not sitting.

Okay, fine, I'll go.

- Let's do this.

- Oh! Table three.

Party table. Whoo!

- Whoo! - Ooh-ah.

- No, that... that's not what we were doing.

- Yeah, I know.

- Um...

Oh, okay.

Uh, you know what? maybe we should sit somewhere else.

- Pretty sure you're supposed to sit at the table

they tell you to.

- Okay, square.

I don't know how you stayed married to her.

I didn't mean... That wasn't...

Um, cool!

Cool, cool.

All right.

How're we doing over here, huh?

- What are you doing?

- I just like to sit...

facing Elias.

Hey.

- Table nine, the buffet is now open.

Go wild.

- You're making announcements?

- Well, what can I say, man? I just love the power.

Table eight.

Ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah!

Now you can go.

- Hey. - There you are!

- What's the emergency?

- Oh, my God. - What?

- You remember Cheyenne, don't you?

She just got married.

- Hi. Yes, this is your wedding.

So why would you... I'm sorry that I'm...

I'm wearing shorts.

I was at a Frisbee golf thing.

- Cool. - It's cool. It's cool.

Hey, fun fact about Cheyenne

is she's severely uneducated,

standing between her and prostitution.

Now, let me introduce you to some other peeps

who are right on the poverty line.

- I'm sorry about the...

- I never prostituted. - No.

- What you have been... - So how have...

Sorry.

You go.

- How's your boyfriend?

- We're not dating anymore.

- Oh. Um...

I'm sorry to hear that.

- Yeah.

I made him up.

- Okay. - Thank you.

- I need a super-embarrassing story about you.

- Why? - It's just for my speech.

But if it could rhyme with "fellatio," that would be icing.

- No, Dina, most of the bridesmaids

aren't giving toasts.

I'm not. - Well...

I mean, no offense, but you're not funny.

- I'm funny.

- Sure, you're hilarious.

Come on.

- Oh, my God. You look so gorgeous.

The ceremony was beautiful.

Why the hell did you invite Jeff?

- I didn't. I think he came with Glenn.

No, a-as a friend.

- I'm not ready to talk to Jeff right now.

- Mateo, you think I'm funny, right?

Uh-huh.

- Attention, wedding guests, specifically Bo's friends.

Does not mean I am "carrying" Molly.

So please stop asking.

Thank you for shopping at Cloud 9.

Damn it. Sorry. Force of habit.

- Justine lives in a studio apartment,

and she's 40, so obviously a lot of need there.

- Excuse me. - Okay.

- Uh, Glenn.

- What? - I'm... I'm gonna leave now.

- Why? - Because this is a wedding

that I was not invited to.

Plus, I'm wearing shorts.

- I didn't make you wear shorts.

- Still, I'm just gonna...

I got to go. - No, no, no.

You can't leave without saying hi

to Cheyenne's adorable daughter,

And don't let those chubby cheeks fool you.

If her parents can't keep buying food for her...

she'll die.

I'm gonna show you to somebody, yeah.

Wait.

- What am I supposed to do with this?

- Okay...

- Mama.

- What is his game?

He just shows up out of nowhere,

flashing those legs, carrying a baby around.

I get it... You're father material.

I mean, I hate kids, but I love dads.

- So do you always play the man?

- Uh... yeah.

Yeah, most of the time.

- Oh, that's... That's wonderful.

- Oh, I see you went with the Pink Cheyenne.

- Yeah, it's Code Red, vodka, and 13 cherries.

I'm kind of into it.

- Oh, look. There you guys are.

- Oh, that's cute.

- Yeah, yeah.

But that is atypical, you know?

If you caught us on a normal day,

she'd probably have her hands around my neck, you know...

"Jonah, you screwed up again.

Go clean Softlines."

- Okay, I don't talk like that.

- Well, sometimes.

"Adam, wash your tennis shoes.

They're disgusting."

- Okay, well, they are disgusting

'cause there was a family of spiders living in them, so...

- Okay, well, they're my shoes, and I paid for them,

so it's kind of none of your business.

- Yeah, well, I was just asking you to be an adult

every now and then, so... - I know, but still.

- Yeah, okay.

- I'm Team Adam.

- All right, ladies and gents.

I'm gonna get this thing humming with a few jokes.

- Dina, you really don't have to.

- No, it's okay. It's okay.

I'm a bridesmaid. It's part of my job.

All right, joke one...

Marriage is a three-ring circus,

engagement ring,

wedding ring,

suffering.

So...

- That's a grammar joke.

If English isn't your first language,

that one may be lost on you.

Okay, next up...

What do you call a woman who likes small penises?

Hopefully Cheyenne. - Okay.

- I'm kidding. The little ones tend to be...

- All right, thank you, Dina,

for those beautiful and appropriate words.

- Yeah, well, good luck,

'cause this crowd blows!

- Uh, hi.

I just wanted to say

congratulations to Cheyenne and Bo.

Um...

uh, I... I love you, Cheyenne.

You remind me of me.

I-I also met my husband in high school,

and we did the whole "baby first" thing,

and then got married because we had to.

I mean, not... Wah!

I didn't mean we had to. I meant...

I meant we got pregnant so we got married...

but, um, marriage is amazing!

I mean, is it hard work?

Yes. Duh.

Like, that's the cliché, right?

"Ah, it's so hard," because it is.

You know, one second everything's great,

and then you step on some invisible land mine,

and you're fighting.

Boom! Ka-boom!

Uh...

'Cause it's hard. It's just... It's hard.

But...

it is the hard

that makes it good.

That was from "A League of Their Own."

Why did Madonna and Rosie O'Donnell

I feel like something happened there, right?

Maybe we should talk about that.

- The desert table is now open

for anybody who would like to stop talking.

- But, okay, what I'm trying to say

is that no matter how tough it gets,

it's gonna be fine.

It's gonna be...

so...

fine.

You know?

Just give me the... Give it...

- But I... - Give it to me.

You heard it here first, folks.

Marriage is fine.

Yikes.

- Oh! Oh, you like the joke about Amy's marriage?

'Cause I got a ton of those.

Amy's marriage is so bad...

How bad is it?

- Wow. You're a really good dancer.

- Thanks. You too.

- Hey, do you think Amy's okay?

- Aw. You worried about your work wife?

- Me? No. No, I don't even care about her.

No.

Hey. We should move in together.

- What?

Dude, what is with you tonight?

- I'm tired. I think I want to head out.

- Okay, yeah.

I'll just say good-bye to everybody, and we can go.

- No, you should stay.

I'll grab a cab.

- Adam.

Look, I'm sorry about the toast, okay?

I-I-I didn't know what to say.

I just... I started rambling,

and then I couldn't stop rambling.

I wasn't even... - Would you have married me

if we hadn't gotten pregnant?

- Would you have asked?

- Well, then what are we doing?

- Thank you. - Dina, this is for you.

- What's this?

- It's my bridesmaid gift, just to say thank you.

- Oh.

You're welcome.

You know what?

Actually, I don't feel comfortable

taking cheap jewelry into my house.

Then it's another midnight run to the urgent care.

So I think you should return it and just give me the cash.

Thanks, girl.

- Sometimes the headline will say,

"What happens next is unbelievable,"

but then it's, like, kind of underwhelming.

It's almost like they're trying to trick me into clicking.

- I'm tired. Let's go.

- Already? They haven't even cut the cake.

- I've seen people cut cake before.

Let's go.

- I really enjoyed talking to you.

- I really enjoyed talking to you, too.

- I can't start the car with my mind!

- Bye.

- Bye.

Jeff! - Shh.

- Have you been at the wedding this entire time?

You saw me when I came in, and then I think we made eye contact

when we were both in line for the bathroom a while ago.

I don't think so. I...

Anyway, um, it's good to see you.

- Not you. I hate you.

You dumped me out of nowhere, so of course I hate you.

It just sounds funny because I'm whispering.

Because I don't want to wake the baby up because...

And thank you.

Now she's awake.

You just can't stop hurting me.

Okay, here we go. I'm gonna trade you.

You take her.

She doesn't like to bounced, okay?

I hate you.

Not you. I love you.

- Hey.

- Hi.

- Just getting some fresh air.

- Where's Kristen?

- Uh, Kristen needed a break...

From me.

Where's Adam?

- Uh, Adam went home.

- Ah.

Uh, well...

I'll... I'll leave you alone.

- I think my marriage is over.

That's the first time I've said that out loud.

Mm, you gonna say something or...?

I don't know what to say.

- Well, that's a first.

- If anybody can get through this, you can.

- Okay.

- No, no, I'm not... I'm not just saying that.

You're... you're...

you're tough...

and, uh... and persistent

and decisive.

- Mm. Kind of sounds like you're calling me stubborn.

Yeah, well...

you are insanely stubborn and...

- Mm-hmm. Yeah.

- A little domineering... - Uh-huh.

- Caustic maybe.

When I catch you before coffee time...

- You're downright hostile.

- Yeah.

Yeah, you're not wrong.

So just, like, in general, a pretty unpleasant person.

- Yeah, pretty unpleasant, yeah. - Okay.

Notice.

- But you're also the most honest person

that I've ever met.

And you're strong

and smart...

and funny,

and you're confident and caring,

and you're sexy and...

- Um...

- That... I didn't...

- No, I... - I wasn't try...

That was just me... - Uh, yeah. No, I...

- I so didn't... I had a few drinks.

- It's fine. I just...

I think that it's time to cut the cake, so...

I'm just... I'm gonna go inside.

- Okay. Yeah.

- Um... thank you.

Thanks, yeah.

- Hello.

- Oh.

Did you forget something?

- Yeah.

I forgot to do this.

Oh, um...

is it okay if I kiss you?

- Okay.

- Hey, everyone, Bo and I just want to say thanks

for making our wedding so dope.

Oh, and shout-out to Boonville Women's Correctional Facility

for letting my mom Skype in during the ceremony.

- Where's Jeff?

- To see the love in here and have my work family

and my real family and my friend family

and my mall family and...

To piggyback on Cheyenne,

at Cloud 9, we're not just coworkers.

We're a family.

Jeff, please don't make me fire my family!