All language subtitles for Superstore.S02E17.Mateos.Last.Day.720p.WEB.x264-[MULVAcoded]

- I don't get it.
Is he transferring or dying?

- Yeah, Glenn, this is terrible.

- Oh, I didn't make it.
Mateo did.

That makes sense.

- Shh!
Pay attention.

What am I gonna miss the most?

Uh, the people?

They're salt of the Earth.

Simple, basic.
Just sort of harmless.

Am I scared?

- Wait, so, um, who's
asking you these questions?

- Uh...

- That is not your chest.
- Yes it is.

- Then take off your shirt.

- I had a big breakfast.

I guess it would be leaving
every place you work at

a little bit better
than when you found it.

Did I do that here?
Who can say?

Yes.

I think I did.

- Well, that was
a massive waste of time.

- Okay, moving on.

We have not had a tornado drill

in eight years,
so we really should...

As a small child
in the Philippines...

- So the tub faucet
is now working,

but the drain is clogged with...
I'm gonna say fur, not hair.

Oh, hold on
just one second, please.

Guys, corporate is coming down
on employee fraternization

- The incident of
you having gay sex with Mateo?

- I'm not at liberty to say.

And we actually
just call it sex.

Uh, but the point is,
since you two

have been recently intimate...

- Wait, does this mean
we gotta transfer too?

- Oh, no, no way.
I am just getting used to

the wet horse smell
coming out of Elias's locker.

- Uh, no.
Mateo only needs to transfer

because I'm at a district level.

Sorry, that sounded like
I was bragging.

- No it didn't.
- Okay, the point is,

I just need you guys to fill out
these disclosure forms for me.

Thank you.
Hi, sorry about that.

So the phone
in my hotel room, yes.

Sometimes when I'm on it,
I hear somebody breathing.

- This is where
you'll be working?

It looks so different.

- It's a Cloud 9 Signature.

They have a beauty concierge,
their produce is all organic,

and their cafe has never
given anyone diarrhea.

- That is impressive.
- How did you get

all these pictures of the store?

- It's on Yelp.
- Ohh, yeah.

- It's a website
where people post reviews.

- Wait, do you think
our store has a Yelf?

- I'm sure we do.

- Ah, well,
it's amazing how quickly

you all made this about you.

- Voila!
- Oh, my God!

Look at that!

We're famous!
168 reviews.

- "Store's okay.
I usually stop there

because it's on my way home."

- We're on his way home.

- Uh...

"Cloud 9, more like Cloud 1,
as in the one star I'm giving

because I can't give zero."

- Ha!
He's a good writer.

- Glen, just ignore this.

That guy's a troll.

No, uh, no.

Uh, he's a full-sized
human being,

non-mythical who writes
mean things on the Internet.

- What?
- Yeah, 99% of the Internet

is just people
tearing other people down.

It's actually why
I am considering

leaving social media.
- Just do it, already.

Ugh, you don't get points
for talking about it.

- My friend Corona sells her pee
on the Internet.

- Hey, what'd you put
for nature of relationship?

They only have "spouse,"
"family member," and "romantic."

- Yeah, I just marked romantic,
basically because

it was the closest to where
my pen already was.

- Okay, look.
There is nothing romantic

about this relationship.

I have been very clear
about that.

- Yeah, I agree with you.
But we're not family members

and we're definitely
not married, so...

- I'm calling Corporate.

That you have memorized
their number?

- You're gonna need
to talk first.

Ask for extension 224.

If the operator hears my voice,
she won't put me through.

- Yeah, extension 224, please.

Oh.

- Ha!
I got through!

- You know, I feel kinda bad
that I got promoted

and you guys didn't.

Because you're sleeping with
Jeff considered a promotion?

He's so jealous.

I know.

- Hey, there you are.
- Hey.

- Got your transfer paperwork
right here.

And get it turned in to me
with your Social Security card

and we're good to go.
- Cool.

Um, I-I can actually
just give you the number.

- Uh, no, they actually need to
see the card these days.

They gotta run it through
E-Verify.

Is that gonna be a problem?
- No, no, no.

No, I just didn't realize this
store was like Nazi Germany.

Ve must see your documents.
Heil Hitler, Mein Fuhrer.

- Social Security card.
- Great, no problem.

No... no problem.

- Do undocumented people
have documents?

- No.
No, we don't.

- Oh.

So, like, won't that
be an issue?

- Yes!

- So... that's it.

Corporate's gonna find out
that my documents are fake.

And Jeff is gonna
get back together with his ex.

Oh, congratulations, Chad.
You win.

- You know what?
Maybe you should try

talking to Jeff.

Maybe he could...
He could, like,

fudge the paperwork
or something.

- Mm.
- Great idea.

"Hey Jeff, you know how

"you're barely even allowed
to date me?

Well, surprise, turns out you're
also illegally employing me."

- And I'd marry you if I could.

But I'm supposed to marry Bo
and he already bought a tie.

- That's okay.
Thanks anyway.

- You know what?

Screw it.
I'll do it.

I'll marry you.

- I don't understand
the problem.

- The problem, Maureen,
is you have boxes

for eight different types
of "Pacific Islander,"

but only three for what
this relationship is.

- Well, it's just for the files.

- It doesn't matter.
Just check the box

and let's move on
with our lives.

- Fine.
Whatever.

It's just saying that
you're in a relationship

of mutual attraction
and closeness.

- Maureen, we're gonna need
to speak to your supervisor.

- Sometimes people ask me,
"Hey, how'd you get

those light bulbs way up there?"

And the answer is:
I don't know.

Oh, hey, Amy.
This is Amy.

She's our intrepid
floor supervisor.

Amy, this is him.

Frenchfryguy81.

- Tim.

- The troll who wrote
the Yelp review.

- Oh, oh.
No, I wouldn't call him that.

But... so, you invited him back?

- Yeah, I mean, I couldn't rest
knowing there was

an unhappy customer out there
who thinks that this place is,

you know,
quote "a bleep show."

- Oh, I'm sorry.

I was probably having
a pretty bad day

when I wrote that review.
- Oh, we all come down

with a case
of the crabs sometimes.

- That's an interesting choice
of words.

- Yeah, anyway, I'm giving him
the VIP tour.

Come on, I'll show you
the giant trash compactor.

- Oh, that is the VIP tour.
- Yeah.

- Have fun.
- What else have you written?

- Uh, I once wrote a review of
the Burger King down on Delmar.

- Oh, I would love to read that.

- So is the fear you'd be
committing some kind of fraud?

- No, Robbie, Robbie.
You're not listening to us.

This is strictly sex.
No one stays over

and we keep an even tally
in terms of orgasms.

I owe you a... yeah.
- I am well aware.

- This is T.J. from Legal.

But I still think that the
totality of the circumstances

points to
a romantic relationship.

In a relationship, you know
things about the other person.

I don't know anything
about Dina, nor do I care to.

- The feeling's mutual.
Where did I grow up?

- I don't know.
Is my father dead or alive?

What is, "Don't care, Alex?"

- Guys, it's just a box.

- Actually, sorry to be
a fly in the ointment,

but if there are absolutely no
feelings of intimacy involved,

it could make things
a little grayer, legally.

- Yes, that's our point.
- Thank you.

- Well thank God
we looped in T.J.

Hey, Glenn.

We found a muddy tire
in Softlines.

Nobody knows how it got there
and we don't know

what to do with it.
- Yeah, okay, glad to hear.

- Glenn.
- Hm?

Oh, sorry, I'm just responding
to all these old reviews.

- Oh...
- Like, in 2006,

this lady found a pool of vomit
in Electronics.

"Dear Verna301,

we have cleaned up the vomit."

We have cleaned up
the vomit, right?

- Yeah.
I believe so.

- Wha...

Frenchfryguy81
updated his review!

"So the manager invited me
back to the store

and tried to brainwash me with
an hour-long propaganda tour."

"Pathetic man."

"Muppet voice."

Why would anyone write this?

- Because he likes complaining.

Don't engage.
You won't win.

- Well, you can die trying.

- So we've got Robbie,
T.J. from Legal,

Delores from Compliance,
Mark from Operations,

and the whole team
in Associate Relations.

Is everyone up to speed?

- Got it.
- Yep.

- I think what we're
coming to here

is adding a fourth box.
- Yes!

Yeah, that's all we're asking.

- Okay, so what do we
label the box?

- Um...

- Like, uh,
"Friends with Benefits"?

- Oh.
I wouldn't say we're friends.

- Hmm, oh,
so maybe more like a...

And apologies, Maureen...
But like "A Hate Effing Thing"?

Again, sorry, Maureen.
- That's okay, T.J.

I'm a grown-up.
- Yeah, you know what?

The thing is
that I don't hate Dina.

Eh, I'm just more ambivalent.

- Yeah, almost like an apathy.
- Maybe an apathy.

- Yeah, I could go with apathy.

- Sorry, that's me.
We're just pulling into port.

- So you're not a refugee.

You're not
a special agricultural worker.

Any interest
in joining the military?

Hm...

I don't trust myself
with a weapon.

I would like killing too much.

- Oh, or you could
just get beat up.

"Person may be eligible
for a special U.N. visa

"if they are a victim
of a violent crime,

such as an assault."

- That's crazy.

I can't believe that's real.

- So I would just
need to get punched.

- No, it seems like you'd have
to get your ass beat pretty bad.

- Or, if you don't wanna
get your ass beat,

I'm still willing to marry you.

- Oh, thank you, Jonah.

When you put it like that...

the ass beating
doesn't sound so bad.

- Mm-mm.

- Hey, look at us.
Two regular Joes,

enjoying some good old FFs, huh?

- Yeah.
Thanks.

You really didn't
have to do this.

- Well, I wanted to talk to you,

not just as a store manager.

You know,
I'm also a human being.

Here.

Stupid.

- You get the...

Do you need...
Do you need a hand?

- Hm?

No, no, no.
It... it's symbolic.

- Look, I regretted that review
as soon as I wrote it.

You were so nice before.

I'm sorry.

- Apology accepted.

- "So now this idiot
drags me back a second time

to force feed me French fries
and do a strip show"?

- I used to be a people person.

When I was at
the hardware store,

I could cheer up
any unhappy customer

with, like, a smile
or a few words.

Or sometimes I'd slam my finger
in the cash register as a joke.

- Ah, look, Glenn,
you're still a people person.

- I wish the Internet
had never been invented.

Although then Jerusha
wouldn't be able

to buy her Chinese cigarettes.

- What the hell?

Why did you do that?

- 'Cause I felt like it.

What are you gonna do about it?

- All right.

I'm writing up a 32-50 on you.

And that's going in your file
for life.

Your mom's a whore.

- I can't hear you.
What did you say?

- Your mom is a whore!

- Okay, I'll get on that next.

- Hey, Brett.
I'm mad at you, let's fight.

Ah! What?
Put that away, you psycho!

Oh, my God!

Jesus.

- Oh, hello, Frenchfryguy81.

- What are you doing here?
- We need to talk.

- Now's not a good time.
- Why?

Are you busy spewing hateful
things about good people

from the comfort of your own...

Home?

Uh...

Um...

Timmy.
Tim.

I need you to restart
the "Quantum Leap" video.

- Mom, I'll take care of you
in a minute.

- Oh, um, I... so...

- What about
"Sexual Co-workers"?

- Awful.
- Just say you don't care.

- What about "Friends with..."
- Say "Friends with Benefits"

one more time
and see what happens.

- I was gonna say
"Friends with" something else.

- Really?
- Mm-hmm.

- What were you gonna say?

- "Benefits."
- Yeah.

- My friends and I would say
that you guys are just chilling.

- Wait, full-on sex is now
considered just chilling?

- Uh-huh, and mouth stuff
is hanging out,

and hand stuff is pretty much,

I like you but just as a friend.

- Hm.
Wow, times have changed.

- Yeah.

- Sorry, this will just be
a couple of minutes.

- Come on!
- No, I'm not gonna beat you up.

- Oh, so you'd just rather
I get kicked out of the country?

I thought you were my friend.

- I am your friend.

That's why I offered
to marry you.

- For the last time,
I will not marry you, Jonah!

- I-I don't wanna marry him.

I just think that he should
wanna marry me.

Never mind.
Keep shopping.

- Look, I know
you don't want to hurt me,

but not doing this
is hurting me.

So...

if you're really my friend,

please, beat the hell out of me.

- Okay, let's do this.

Let's rumble.

- Oh.

- Why are you
stretching your legs?

- That's where
the power comes from.

- Okay.
How do you want to do this?

- Uh, I don't know.

I'm not really
much of a fighter.

- I guess just start
with a punch in the face?

- Yeah, yeah, okay.

Uh, uh...

Maybe... maybe close your eyes.

Yeah, just... yeah, okay, cool.

Uh, on second thought,
open your eyes.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
- Open?

- Okay.

Here it comes.

Here we go.

No, see, now you're just
staring at me

and... and that's weird.

Oh, come on.

Uh, don't think of it
as a hate crime.

- Well, I wasn't.

But now I am.

- You could just stomp
on his head.

- Yeah, how about
I just do this?

What if I just kind of
go like this?

And you just sort of
walk into it.

Maybe this is better?
Yeah.

- Come on, just hit me.
- I'm trying, okay?

Say something mean.
- Like what?

- Um, I don't know.

Oh, say something mean
about Beyoncé.

I'd rather be deported.

- Mateo, it's not that easy
to just punch somebody

that you're not fighting with.

- Fine.
Then let's fight.

- Well...
- Come on.

- Well, I-I... we already...
- Come on, hit me.

- Well, I...
This is not necessary.

- Hit me.
- I'd like... I'd like to hit you.

- No... Mateo, my point...
- Hit me!

- Ow!
- Oh!

- All right!

Now you go.

- I could tell he hit you hard
because it's the only time

I've ever seen your hair move.

- I thought
it was gonna be one of those

straight guy things where
I hit you and you hit me back.

- Why isn't pacifism
a straight guy thing?

- I don't know.
It just isn't.

- So...
what are you gonna do now?

I don't know.

- Just... just talk to Jeff.

He cares about you.
You'll... you'll work it out.

- Yeah, maybe.

- I'm sorry I didn't
come through for you.

- Yeah, you really blew it.

- All right, we have been
talking and...

- We'd like a fourth box added,
labeled as "other."

- That's it?
"Other"?

- We're very excited
about "other," Maureen.

- Okay, fine.
"Other" it is.

- I missed the Captain's dinner
for this.

All right.

"Other."
- Hey, I'm happy with it.

Boom.
- Did it!

- Hey, good job.
- Yeah.

- Yeah.

Okay.

- I'm gonna just go
dock your pay,

'cause you should have been
working all this time.

Slacker.

- You got bird seed
in your hair.

- Shut up.

- Did you give her the cookies?

- I gave them to her.

You don't have to eat those.

- Well, I can't
because they're dominoes.

- Look, I haven't worked
in six months.

GameStop said
they were cutting back,

but then I went in there,
and they hired four new girls.

So then I get on the computer,

where I'm the guy who can win
for a change.

Oh, forget it.
I'm not explaining it right.

- No, no.
I get it.

I mean, it's not like
my life is so terrific.

I have tons of debt.
My marriage is struggling.

And it all feels like
it's never gonna change.

- Wow.

Your life sounds as bad as mine.

- Uh-huh.
- Timmy, one of the rabbits

is eating the other one.

- I'll get around to it, Ma!

You know, it feels like ages

since I've just sat and talked
to somebody like this.

- Yeah.
This is... this is nice.

- Friends?

- Friends.

- "And then this psycho stalker
doesn't eat the cookies

my mom offered her."

You wouldn't eat the cookies?

- Well, they were dominoes.

The point is, he was
as mean to me as he was to you.

- Oh, no,
he's way meaner to you.

He says you're a munchkin.

- Glad to see
you're feeling better.

- He calls you "Lamey Amy."

Oh, that's clever.

He's a good writer.

- Jeff.

Jeff, wait.
- Hey!

- Ah, a little celebratory
dinner tonight?

I made us a reservation
at the place with the fish tank.

- I can't transfer.

- What?
Why?

- Uh...
I just...

It's complicated, but I...
I just can't.

- All right, well, I mean,
we talked about it.

I would transfer but there's...

- No, but I'm just saying,
if this is about your career,

I totally get that.
- It's not about the job.

- Okay, but it would be
a lateral move at worst for you.

- Jeff, please listen to me.
I just... I'm not...

I'm not...

in love with you.

- Oh.

I... uh...

Are you breaking up with me?

- I'm sorry.

- Are you okay?

- Not really.

I just... I don't know if
I did the right thing...

- Ha.
I did it!

Whoo!

- Ulch.
- Cheyenne, I did it.

Oh.