All language subtitles for Superstore.S02E15.Wellness.Fair.720p.WEB.x264-[MULVAcoded]

Uh, Tori can cover your shift.
You just get some rest.

- Thanks, Glenn.

- Hey, is that Amy?
- Yeah.

She's got a terrible cold.

- Oh, no.
Hey, sweetie.

You sound terrible...
Shrill, but in a different way.

- Yeah...
It's pretty bad.

- Uh-huh. Hey, Ames,
can you hold on a sec?

Yeah, she's faking.
- No, she is not.

- Glenn, I love Amy
like a sister,

and she is a liar and a fraud,
like my sister.

- I'm still on, by the way.

- Hey, sweetie!

- You ignore her.

You just get well soon, okay?

- Thank you.

- So can I pretend to be sick
to miss school Monday?

- No, this is different.

- How?

- It just is.
It's an adult thing.

You'll understand
someday. Come on.

Hi...

Oh, my God, that's Jeff,
my district manager.

Why would he come all the way
out here to watch a movie?

- I mean, I'm just saying,
we're friends,

so if you did play
hooky yesterday,

you can totally tell me.

- I wasn't.

- Are you sure you should
be drinking coffee?

Caffeine mixed with
cold medication

can have the same
effects as meth.

- Really? I've never heard that.

- Oh, it's true.

- I guess...

- Yeah, all of it.

- Hey, Sandra.
How's it going?

- Pretty good.
Someone stole my cat again.

- Excuse me, I'm having
a conversation with Amy.

- I think we were all caught up.

- Are we?

How are things, Sandra.

How's Jeff?

- Great.
He might take me to Paris.

- Aww, Paris?
That sounds so serious.

- I hate Paris.

That place is just
one giant gay ashtray.

- Attention, Cloud 9 shoppers,

today is Cloud 9's
Wellness Fair,

where we're offering
vision tests,

blood pressure screenings,
and tips on living

your best, healthiest life.

Why go to a doctor
when you can get medical advice

from the same place
you get dish soap?

- I love the Wellness Fair.

We're gonna save
a lot of lives today.

- It's mostly handing out
informational pamphlets, right?

- And buttons.

- You know, I, uh...
I actually thought about

going to medical school
for a minute.

- No way.
- Yeah.

- I wanted be a doctor too.
- Really?

- Yes, really.

Why is that a surprise?

- It's not.

- You don't think
I could be a doctor?

- No, no-no-no.
Glenn, come on, no.

I just... I'm... I don't even think
I could be a doctor.

- Oh...
Not even you.

- No, that's... I...
That's out of context.

- I have to take
these buttons over there.

- I love medicine.
I watch all those shows.

"I need 10ccs, stat."

"Prep the incubation tray."

"I can't have sex with you.

I'm an intern."

- Yeah, that all sounds
pretty medically accurate.

If you knew that a friend's
boyfriend was cheating on her

with another one
of your friends,

would you say something?

- Hmm, that's a tough one.

Is it Kylie or Emily?

- Okay, look, I wasn't actually
home sick yesterday.

And I saw Jeff with...
Mateo...

Kissing each other.

- Wow!
- Weird.

- Whoa.
- Hmm.

- Woof.
- Seriously?

This is your reaction?

Jeff is cheating on Sandra
with Mateo.

What do I do? Do I... do I...
Do I talk to her?

Do I confront him?

- Okay, here's what you do.

Nothing.

- What? Come on.

- Look, you don't know
the situation.

This is like "Jurassic Park."

You start messing around
with something

and before you know it,
you're getting bit in half

while you're sitting
on the toilet.

- It's true, Amy.
That's what happens.

- Okay, thanks, guys.

This was great.
- Mm-hmm.

- Helpful.
Thanks.

That Mateo's the one who's been
dating Jeff all along?

- Nah, it's better
just to stay out of it.

People don't need to know
who's boning who.

- Yeah.

Do you wanna hear my lawyer?
- Mm-mm.

- "Objection, your honor,
he's harassing the witness!"

"Oh, that's not a judge,
that's a bomb."

- It must be so rewarding
to be a nurse.

Well, except when patients die.

That must be a real kick
in the shins, huh?

- How many people
have you seen die?

But I'm not sure it counts,
'cause it was all at once.

- Hey, uh, Glenn?
- Hm?

Jonah, I'm talking medicine
to this nurse.

Oh, I'm sorry,
is that offensive?

Do we say doctor now?

- Only to doctors.

- Hey, where should
I put these cups?

- Put them over there
with the rest of them.

I set up a little juice station
at the entrance...

Sort of a healthy treat
to get people in the mood.

- You know, uh, juice actually
isn't that healthy.

- Juice?
It's from fruit.

It's like the healthiest
stuff on the planet.

Fruit juice is
loaded with sugar.

- Oh, good to know.

I guess Jonah's right,
and I'm something else.

- Hey, uh, did you see
that documentary "Fed Up"?

- Oh, with Katie Couric?
- Yeah.

- Loved it.
Did you see "Fork over Knife"?

- Oh, my God.
I... I was devastated by it.

- Did you guys see
"Babe 2: Pig in the City"?

I seem to have wound up with
two copies at my house.

- I picked you up some samples.

- There's like
50 condoms in here.

- Show some gratitude.
They're for your penis.

- Thank you?
- You're welcome.

Now did Amy say anything to you

about what she was
doing yesterday?

- No.
- Would you tell me if she did?

- No.
- You don't deserve these.

- Okay, fine,
I don't like condoms anyway.

- Well played.
Now I call first dibs,

but you can use those
with whoever you want...

I mean, me,
someone else, solo work.

- Solo work?

- So according to
your wellness chart,

you should shave that mustache.

- Can I see that?
- Shave it.

You'll thank me later.

- Hey! What up, my... hm... Mateo?

- Okay?
- How's it hanging?

Who you seeing?
- Oh, God.

Okay, can you please stop
trying to set me up

with your brother? Okay?
No offense,

maybe he just doesn't
photograph well.

- Okay, look, I saw you
at the movie theater

yesterday with Jeff.

Can we please not
talk about this here?

- Talk about what, Mateo?
The fact that I saw you

making out with
Sandra's boyfriend?

Okay.

He's not her boyfriend.
He's my boyfriend.

Since October.
- That doesn't make any sense.

No, you haven't.

That's us on a picnic.

That's us at the pool
in his hotel.

That's us as Nick Nolte
and Barbara Streisand

in "Prince of Tides."

What about Sandra?

- She's just been saying
she's dating him

to get attention.

- Oh, my God.
That is...

That is so...
- Smart.

- Sad.

- Sad. Yes.

Well, could you just please not
say anything to anyone?

It wouldn't be good
if this got out.

- No... yeah, obviously.

Because of
the huge age difference,

but I'm really excited.

Hey, Ames, guess what?
- Huh?

- Jeff's banging Mateo,
and Sandra's insane.

Don't tell anyone though.

Hey, Gare, guess what?

That Sandra's been
making it up the whole time?

- Maybe it'll be good
for everyone to know.

Maybe Sandra will be happy.

- Yeah, 'cause that's usually
why people with low self-esteem

commit to elaborate lies
for weeks...

'cause they just want
the truth to come out.

- Okay, I can fix this.
I just need to gather

everybody who knows,
and then tell them.

- Why aren't you
listening to me?

Just do nothing.

It is the easiest
advice to take.

I do it, and I am thriving.

- Man, that is true.
He's killing it.

- Hey, Glenn, you want
a little help with that?

Those things can be tricky.

- It's okay, I know
how to ride a bike.

I've been doing it
since I was 19.

- Oh, all right.

Yeah, you know what, I...
These things are ridiculous.

How 'bout I just help ya
maybe adjust some of the...

- You know what?
Why don't you just adjust

your mouth to closed?
Okay, buddy?

I mean, what are you?
The president of bikes?

- You... are you okay? Glenn?

Are you okay?

- Glenn?
- I'm okay.

- Hey.
Did Amy say anything to you

about where she was yesterday?

- Uh, what?
Uh, no, why?

Um... I don't know, you know.

She's always yap-yapping
about something.

- You know, something
suspicious is going on.

What she described
to me yesterday...

I just can't even figure out
the mechanics of it.

- Huh...

Cloud 9 is not offering
breast exams

as part of our Wellness Fair.

We have not hired
someone to do that,

and if we had,
it would not be a teenage boy

in a Twenty One Pilots T-shirt.
Shop safe.

- These are slippery
little things, aren't they?

- Yeah, well, it's tough.
You... you know what,

- No, but that's what I'm doing.
I'm a grownup.

- Yeah, no, it's... it's fine.
I'm gonna take your foot,

and I'm gonna just
slide it into the cage, okay?

Just... just gonna slide it in.

- That's the voice you use
with confused seniors.

Don't do that.
- No, that's... I'm not doing...

This is just the way I talk.
- Fine, you can do that foot.

I'll work on this one, okay?
- No, Glenn, that's...

That's not how a bike works.
- No!

- You must know that.
- They're not related.

Left, right.
- No...

- So she just invented
the entire relationship?

- Ew, I just realized
that pair of Jeff's underwear

that she showed me
probably weren't even Jeff's.

That's so gross.

- She's definitely
out of wine club.

- Wait, you guys have
a wine club?

- Yeah, we're trying to
keep it small.

- Look, this really is
none of your business, you know.

You... you don't even know
the whole story.

It you knew the whole story,

you wouldn't think
she was a maniac.

- What's the whole story?

Don't do it.

- The whole story is that
she did date Jeff.

It was very intense,
and then they broke up.

- Yup, they broke up.
It happened on a Tuesday.

- See? Confirmation.
- So she got dumped,

but then lied and told everyone
they were still dating?

Why would she do that?
- 'Cause she's a maniac.

- No.
That is a good question,

and we asked her that question,

and what she said
made a lot of sense.

She told us that...

- She's pregnant.

And the raptors

have breached the fence.

- She's pregnant?
- Yes!

- Who's pregnant?
- Nobody.

- The maniac.
- Sandra.

- Sandra? That is wonderful.

- I knew it.
You can tell by the glow.

- I'm gonna go congratulate her.
- No, no, Glenn,

uh, she doesn't want
anybody to know yet,

so we can't mention it to her.
- Yeah, we should probably wait

'til she inevitably
starts showing.

- Oh! We could plan
a baby shower.

And what if the theme
was babies?

Or manufacturing?

- Oh, I know.
"Breaking Bad."

- "Arabian Nights."

- No one likes "Arabian Nights"!

- Okay, no baby shower, guys.

You're making
a big deal out of this,

and she doesn't even know
if she's gonna keep it.

- What?
- Ooh.

- No, you don't mean
she's gonna...

Yeah, she might
do it on a Wednesday.

- Okay, we're good on the days.

- Look at this.

Oh!

Oh! Bear-bear.

You know, sometimes
I like to walk around the store,

and just think of all the things
that make life wonderful.

You know, like, um, rivers

and lunch and soccer and...

Crime? No, not crime.

Uh, streams!
Well, that's a cousin of rivers.

And babies.
I love babies.

- Horses?
- Sure, horses,

but what about babies?
- Yeah. Babies are cute.

- You'd make a great mommy.

- Thanks?
- Okay.

Let's keep walking.

Hey, what do you think

is the worst Supreme Court
decision of all time?

- Maybe Glenn will just
not say anything.

- Hey, guys, did you hear?

Sandra's pregnant
with my boyfriend's baby.

- Oh, yeah,
there's a card going around.

- This is why people
don't tell you things.

- I'm gonna fix it.

Look, we could...

We could say that it was
a phantom pregnancy.

I've heard of that.
- Sandra, this must be

a giant surprise for you.
Love, Garrett.

- Okay, what if we say
that Jeff has a twin brother,

and Sandra has been dating him?

- So the Jeff that Sandra's
been talking about

is Jeff's twin brother, Jeff?

- Yes.
- Oh, that sounds real.

- Well, at least
she's thinking of things.

- You guys are idiots.

- Hey, you wanna donate
to a good cause?

- I already told you, I'm not
paying to get you veneers.

- Nah, it's for
Sandra's baby shower,

assuming she keeps it.

- Wait, Sandra's pregnant?

- Yeah, Jeff knocked her up,
then dumped her for Mateo.

- Really?
- Yeah.

- Wow, I can't believe it.

- Man, I wish I had the stones
to go both ways.

Can you imagine?

Two dudes...
All gas, no brakes.

- Yeah, totally.

- But now imagine taking
this perfect little treasure,

and throwing it in the garbage.

- Mm, mm-mm.
Mm-mm.

Hey, hey, hey.
How are we doing?

What's going on?
What are we talking about?

- Nothing. Why don't you mind
your own business?

- Oh, you know what, I will
mind my own business, Glenn,

as long as you don't mind
Sandra's right to choose

what she does
with her body, right?

- I was thinking about getting
all the tattoos from "Moana."

- And I support that decision,
because it's your choice.

- Jonah, you might be
book smart and bike smart,

but you don't get to be
right about everything.

- Well, in this
particular situation,

- Oh, really? That... there's
a refreshing change of pace.

- Yeah.
- Well, the important thing is

a hypothetical situation about
a baby in a garbage can.

We'd still be living
in the Stone Ages.

- Oh, really?
Well, if it was up to you,

they'd be selling abortions
from vending machines.

- Guys, guys, guys,

maybe let's not have
this conversation

out here on the floor.
- Jonah, you have no idea

the toll that an abortion
takes on a woman's body.

- Oh, and childbirth is so easy.

Neither one of you guys...
- You know what, Glenn?

This is what a feminist
looks like.

- I'm a feminist!
I'm a big flaming feminist.

- And that is our skit
on the abortion debate.

We hope you enjoyed it.
- I can't...

Why doesn't he listen?

- Oh, I feel very dizzy.
- Oh... no, no, no.

- Can we get a doctor?
Where's that nurse?

Here just...

Next day, so sick
she couldn't possibly work.

Day after that, fine again.

- It could be lupus,
Crohn's disease, a parasite.

Honestly, I would need
a stool sample.

- I can get one.

- Okay, Glenn.
Glenn?

And breathe through
alternating nostrils, okay?

- The Red Cross.
I helped earthquake-proof

a hospital in Haiti.
- Well, bravo, it didn't work.

- No, it was after the...
For the next one.

You'll see.
I mean, I hope you don't see.

I'm just gonna
loosen your tie right here.

- No, stop telling me
what to do!

- Glenn, you need to do
what he's telling you.

- No, I don't.
He's stupid!

- Glenn...
- I'm gonna tighten my tie.

- Okay.
How's that working out for ya?

- I feel perfectly good.
- Great.

I shouldn't have tried to
quit drinking juice

cold turkey like that.

- Great, okay, uh, also,
we have checked.

We don't seem to have
any training videos

about not discussing
abortion at work,

because we just thought
it was so obvious,

but you guys managed
to surprise us, so good job.

- Whoo!
- Don't lecture us

on being responsible
when we all know

what you did to Sandra.

- Sandra... who's Sandra?

What?

- Who's Sandra?

Just the woman who's pregnant
with your bi-racial child.

- In his defense, Sandra is
extremely forgettable.

Remember when we left her at
Dave & Buster's on her birthday?

- Yeah.
- I'm not pregnant.

- What?

- Oh, God, am I too late?
- What?

- I'm very confused.

- Wait, so you didn't
knock her up?

- No, I'm gay.

- Oh, yeah, right, you're gay,
and I'm Lorenzo Lamas.

- Well, I am.
I'm gay.

- But you're so... blah.

- Well, wait,
then who's dating Sandra?

- I made it up.

I haven't been dating anyone.

- I mean, nothing here
pops at all.

- Why would you make
something like that up?

- 'Cause she's a maniac.

- At first it was
a misunderstanding,

and then I just started
liking the attention.

- For the first time in my life,
I was a star.

- I'm the one
who's been dating Jeff.

Okay, the whole time...

Me-me-me-me-me.
- Um...

We were keeping that between us.

- I just don't get it.

If you can be gay,
that means anyone can be gay.

- Okay, well, you know,
cat's out of the bag.

Me and Jeff.

Does anybody have any questions?

- Can we please keep this
in this room?

I'm not supposed to be dating
anybody from one of the stores.

- But casual sex is okay, right?

'Cause I've been banging Garrett
on and off for a while now.

What?

- Uh, that is correct.

- Whoa!
- Really?

- And you... you didn't tell me?

- I'm sorry, it just...
We haven't told anybody.

- It's fine, I don't...
I don't care.

- What has happened
to this store?

- Me.
I happened.

This is me.
This is my fault.

I opened the cage, or whatever.

I've never seen "Jurassic Park."

What?

- Okay, that is not what we're
dealing with right now.

Look, I should not have
gotten involved.

Sandra, I'm really sorry.

- No, I feel great.

No more lies.
No more credit card debt

from buying myself flowers.

I can cancel
the horse-drawn carriage.

- I almost told you
a couple times.

- I said it's fine.

- Sorry, I just got excited
to finally tell people.

No, it's okay.

I'm... I'm glad
it's finally public.

Okay.

Why are we in here?

I don't know.

Why are you whispering?

- I don't know.

- He's my boyfriend!

- So that's why
you didn't want me

talking about
people's love lives...

Because you had a little
secret of your own.

- Are we gonna get
a destination wedding?

Like, how many cute little

Garrett-Dina babies
are you gonna have?

Garrett Junior?

- Hey, Dina, Amy went to go see
"Lego Batman" yesterday.

- I'm gonna have to
call you back.

What in the name of God
is "Lego Batman"?

- Wow, you're smoking now?

- No, I'm just holding it.

- Ah.
- But I might as well start,

since everything
I thought I knew was wrong.

In five years,
they'll probably say

smoking's good for you.
- Oh, no-no-no,

decades of research and...

You know what?
You might be right.

Nobody really knows anything.

You mind if I, uh...

- It's nice.

- You look really cool
right now.

- Yeah?

- I'm sorry about
everything earlier.

I've been off today.

Going from two gallons
of juice a day to nothing

has been messing with my head.

- Yeah, I get it.

I'm sorry too.

Because sometimes I think
you're smarter than me.

- Oh, Glenn, come on, that's...

- I know, it's silly.

You're probably always thinking
how much smarter I am than you.

- Yuh-huh.

- Hear ye! Hear ye!

I've come to deliver
the fair maiden Sandra

to good King Jeff.

- Right here.

Couldn't get my deposit back.
See you tomorrow.

- My lady.
- Thank you.