All language subtitles for Superstore.S02E14.WEBRip.x264-ION10_English

.

- Attention shoppers.

It's Valentine's Day,
and love is in the air,

along with dust, pet dander,
and toxic mold spores,

so pick up a SuperCloud air
purifier and convince yourself

it's making a difference,

which it's not,
'cause it's just a fan.

- Excuse me, everyone.
- Dude.

You know what?
I don't care.

- Two Aprils ago,
I was new here,

and someone special came over
to help me on register.

And, Lisa, you didn't
just bag groceries.

You bagged my heart.

- Ooh, this is a bad idea.

- Lisa Beth-Ann
Donatella Lopez-Fitzgerald,

if you'll make me the luckiest
man in St. Louis,

I'll show you
the time of your life.

["(I've Had) The Time of My
Life" by Mickey & Sylvia plays]

- * I've been waiting
for so long *

- This makes me genuinely sad.

- Flash mob proposals
are so lame.

Except for the one
that Bo did for you.

That was unique and very cool.
- Yeah.

- Yeah, but flash mobs stopped
being cool, like, a year ago.

- Yeah, they were cool
one year ago.

both: * Now with passion
in our eyes there's no way... *

- Where's Lisa?
We need Lisa.

- Where the [bleep] is Lisa?

- She's in the bathroom.

- Is it a quick bathroom break
or more

of a hunker-down-watch-
YouTube-videos situation?

- Hard to say.
Her body language going in--

oh, wait, here--
[clears throat]

- * Just remember

- * You're the one thing

- Go back. Go back.
Places, places.

- Oh, God. Not again.
- Oh, wow.

- Take two, dude.

[upbeat music]

*

- Front of store on the left.

- Amy, Amy.
- Yeah.

- Tell me, do you think
that Brett and Brittany

would be good together?

I mean, it feels like there's
chemistry there,

but it might just be
the alliteration.

- What, like, together-together?
- Yeah, yeah.

- I don't know.
Why?

- 'Cause I hired Miles and Lisa,
and now they're in love.

You know, so I thought maybe
there's some other sad singles

who'd like to get bitten
by Cupid.

- An arrow.
I think Cupid has an arrow.

- And he bites.

- And I don't think
that it's a good idea to go

setting people up around work.

- Are you down on love because
of your bad marriage?

- No, I just don't think people
come here to find love.

This is a workplace,
not Match.com.

- What's Match.com?

- It's like Christian Mingle,
but for everyone.

- Oh!
That is such a good idea.

- Mm-hmm.

- I'm sure it's her.

- Well,
there's definite similarities.

Slightly different BMIs,
but she could be on

one of those crash diets.

- So what do we do next?
Do we--do we call the cops?

Do we bust her ourselves?

- [laughs]
Easy, Cagney.

We have to catch her
in the act.

Now, I'd have my
plainclothes guy tail her,

but Tuesday's his day off.

Ah, I wonder
what he wears on his day off.

Fancy clothes probably.

- I could do it.

I've always wanted
to go undercover.

- [laughs]
You?

Okay, yeah, you're way
underqualified.

- What do you need
to be qualified?

- You need to watch a video.

- I could watch a video.

- You could watch a video.

- You guys, look what Jeff
just sent me.

"My precious treasure,

"words cannot express my love
for you.

"And I love seeing you naked,
because it's really good.

Love, Mr. Man."

- Wow, Jeff sent you those.

- Mm-hmm.

- That's, like,
a hundred-dollar bouquet.

- Yeah, or, like, 140.

- Seems so weird he'd send you
a gift at work when your

relationship
is supposed to be secret.

- I guess he really loves me,
huh?

- Yeah.
- Hey, Heather.

Look what Jeff just sent me.

- Oh, we need more
tissue paper.

- What's wrong with him?

- Well, it's because of a reason
that I--I can't tell you.

- Hmm, I actually don't care,
so--

- Mateo's the one dating Jeff,
okay?

And Sandra is just making it up
to get attention.

- So Sandra has
a fake boyfriend,

she sent herself flowers,
and Mateo is dating Jeff?

- Yeah.

- This a quality Tuesday.

- * Four, repeat steps one
through three *

* Five, make you fall in love
with me *

[balloon pops]
- Oh!

- Hello.

Welcome to Cloud 9.

And you must be the little
princess we've been expecting.

Right this way,
Your Highness.

[chuckles]

M...
[stammering]

- Hey, Arthur, I might be
totally off base here,

but do you have a crush
on Myrtle?

- Oh, no.
I--

well, maybe just a little crush.

- Oh, that's so sweet.

- I like to imagine the two
of us together someday

feeding the ducks...
- Ohh.

- Watching the ducks.

It doesn't have to be ducks.

- No.
It can be ducks.

- You're doing great.

Good, good, good.

Just keep thinking,
"Customer, customer.

I'm shopping as a customer."

- Okay, okay, thank you.
- All right.

- Hey, Jonah.

Do you think Elias and Pauline
would be good together,

or am I just projecting
Laurel and Hardy?

- I think you have me confused
with someone else.

- Oh, wow.
I'm--I'm so sorry.

I--you look exactly like
someone who works here.

I'm so sorry.

Wow, it's uncanny.

- And Bo's parents
are out of town,

so everyone's just gonna get
waa-sted.

What about you?
Any hot Valentine's Day plans?

- No, probably sit in the park,
feed the ducks.

- Ohh, that's so old person.

You can come if you want,
but it's bring your own nitrous.

- Hey, Myrtle,
do you date anymore?

- No, but if you know
someone nice,

set me up.

He doesn't even
have to be white.

- * Girl it's plain to see

* That you're the only one
for me *

- Arthur, we're switching things
up a bit today.

I'm gonna have you tackle
Womenswear with Myrtle,

and Cheyenne here is gonna take
your post.

- You want me to be a greeter?

I'm not trained in that.

- You'll be fine.
I believe in you.

- Hello.
Welcome to Cloud 9.

.

- Come on, you two.
Talk to each other.

It's not like either one of you
have that much time left.

- Hey. Oh, what is Arthur doing
in Womenswear?

He's confused again.

I'll go fix it.
- No, no.

No, Glenn, I put him there.

- Why?

- You know, just to mix things
up,

give people an opportunity to
work with other people and...

- Oh, I see.

It's wrong when I try to do
matchmaking,

but you get to whip out
the fangs, huh?

- What fangs?
- Cupid's fangs.

- Glenn, again, an arrow.
Never mind.

Look, this is different.

They're really perfect
for each other.

- They are.
They're both old.

- Yeah, and there's, like,
this whole duck thing,

but mostly they're old.

- Why aren't they talking
to each other?

- I don't know.
He's really shy.

It's like they need
a bigger push.

- Yeah.
Oh, hey, you see that guy?

You think that's Jonah, right?

It's not.

- [laughs]

This is so embarrassing.

I always tell him, "Jeff,
you're gift enough for me,"

but he won't listen.

- I'm not much of a romantic,
but this is special stuff.

- Whatever.

Do you know how many babies
choke on balloons

and die every year?

I don't know,
but it seems like a few would.

- I'm just happy for Sandra.

I mean, can you imagine what
it's like to have what she has?

I mean, just to have
a connection like that

with someone.

I bet Jeff just loves it.

- 30.
30 babies die.

- [exhales]

[drone whirring]

- Oh!
- Oh, my God. I'm so sorry.

I'm so sorry.

Are you okay?

- Oh, yeah, no,
happens all the time.

Someone flies a drone
into my head.

- Are you sure? 'Cause I can
give you a ride to the hospital.

- No way.
I've seen how you drive.

- Well, I--I mean, I'm better
with the--the four wheels.

- Yeah, I'd hope so.

[groans]

This is why people hate
Valentine's Day,

you know, drone strikes.

- Oh, yeah.
- Yeah.

- Oh, welcome to Cloud 9.

Welcome to Cloud 9.

Cloud 9 welcomes you.

[laughs]

- * God must have spent

* A little more time on you

* On you

- That's right, chat her up.

Just a normal person having
a normal conversation.

Speak, listen, speak, listen.

- Ooh, look at him getting some
on V-Day.

- What are you talking about?

He is undercover.

He's just building a rapport
with the suspect.

I mean, that's why they're
talking and laughing so much,

standing so close.

He just touched her elbow
with his hand.

- Anyway, do you want to...
- Huh.

- She's late, like--
- There she is.

[clears throat]

Hey, Myrtle.
Break time already, huh?

- Uh-huh.

- I love break time, great time
to kick back and see what's in

the old locker, huh?

- Wh--what you got there?

- I don't think this
is my locker.

- Yeah, it is.

It just looks like someone left
you some flowers and chocolates

and a duck.

- Wow.
Who's it from?

- Well, look.
Look for a card.

Just look around.
Look--

look under that sweater.

No, not your sweater.
He's not a magician.

- It's from Arthur.

- Oh.
- Ohh.

That's so sweet of him.
- That's so nice.

- * And he rocks
in the tree tops all day long *

- [sobbing]
- Ohh.

You don't have to cry, sweetie.

- He won't leave me alone.

Why won't he leave me alone?

[whimpers]
Aah!

- * Go rockin' robin

.

- So Myrtle has filed sexual
harassment complaints against

Arthur as well as
the two of you.

- That's crazy.

We didn't harass her.

- She's alleging that you used
your positions of authority to

force her to work with an
employee in hopes of engaging

in a physical relationship
with him.

And she also claims you broke
into her locker.

Now, what's your side
of the story?

- Um, factually similar.

- Yeah, but you can prove
anything with facts.

I mean, Darwin--

- She goes on to say that he
made lewd and profane comments.

- Arthur?
He's so sweet.

- We had no idea what he was
saying to her.

The security cameras
don't have sound.

- I'm sorry, are you saying
that you were spying

on them as well?

- No, spying makes it sound like

we were trying
to get information.

We were just watching them
for our own pleasure.

- Stop talking, Glenn.

- Welcome to Cloud 9.

Welcome to Cloud 9.

Hey, it's Cloud 9 up in here.
[laughs]

- Jeff got her a watch.

I would have liked a watch.

- But she sent it to herself.

- Yeah, I know she sent it
to herself.

I'm not stupid.

- You know, it's just sad that
she feels the need to--

- White gold?

Oh, my God.
That's her favorite.

It's like he knows exactly
what she wants.

- Ohh.

- I thought space camp was just
gonna be all moon rocks

and astronaut ice cream,
but it was basically

just a bunch of science classes.

- But still, I'm--that's--
I'm so jealous of that.

- Really?
- Yes, it's incredible.

Meanwhile, according to the
absurd amount of decorations

in this store,
I guess it's Valentine's Day.

- Oh.
- Did you--

did you see any of this?

- No, I hadn't noticed.

- So do you--do you have
any plans or...

- Actually, yeah, I'm going to
an MMA fight with my boyfriend.

Yeah, he's that muscly guy
right over there.

- Oh.

Oh, I didn't--
- So gullible!

- I am gullible.
- Yes.

- So are you--are you free or...

- Yeah, I'm free.

- She's not the shoplifter.

- Really? Because you were
so certain of it earlier.

I mean, you had
that dance-y energy you get.

- Oh, no, no, no.
That was just--

I had an extra shot
in my cold brew this morning.

But seeing her up close,
the chin, the nose,

that's a different person.

- Huh, well,

I can't think of any reason
why you'd want to lie.

So I guess you're
officially off the case.

Thank you for your service.

- It was an honor
and a pleasure.

- Attention shoppers.

We just received
a song dedication.

This one goes out
to "Sandra, my one and only.

"Happy Valentine's Day, boo.

Love, your Mr. Man."

["I Wanna Get Next to You"
by Rose Royce plays]

- * Sitting here

* In this chair

*

- Hi, Myrtle.

Look, I just--
I want to say I'm sorry.

I was totally out of line.

- He was saying such filth,
how much he liked my sweater.

- Oh, well,
is that really that bad?

- He meant he liked
what's under my sweater.

- Okay, maybe, but maybe--
I don't know--

it is possible that you
misunderstood what he said or--

- Oh, blame the victim.

She's blaming the victim!

- No, no, no, no.

I'm not blaming anyone.

I'm just saying that maybe he
wasn't harassing you.

It is a very nice sweater.

- It shouldn't matter
what she's wearing.

- I'm sorry.
Who asked you to get involved?

- Sexual harassment
involves us all.

- Okay, this isn't sexual--

okay, I was just trying
to set her up for a date.

- Intent is irrelevant.

- Seriously, who are you people?

- Oh, we're not together.

- Oh, oh, 'cause a woman
couldn't possible be out on her

own without a big, strong man,
'cause then she'd be a slut!

- Okay, none of you know
the story.

She asked me to set her up,
so I set her up.

She was asking me for it.

She asked for it.

[both gasp]

- Sexual harassment.

At what point
is it inappropriate?

.

- If it starts
in the break room,

it shouldn't end
in the bedroom.

- He's totally thinking about
boning Sandra right now.

- No, he's not.

- And fewer lawsuits equals
more revenue for Cloud 9,

which benefits all of us.

- I'm sorry for making you
uncomfortable, Michelle.

- Oh, M.C. Cool Cloud,
you are all right.

- Does anybody have
any questions?

- No, I think
we're all set here.

- Well, you can't take love out
of the workplace.

- Oh, God, kill me now.

- What about Miles and Lisa?

If it was up to you, they never
would have gotten together.

And then the children
they're gonna have

would never have been born.

- Oh, we're--
we're not having kids.

- What?
- No one is saying

you can't ever date somebody
you work with.

Just be careful
not to make unwanted advances.

- So you can't ask someone out
unless you know they like you?

But then you don't know
if someone likes you

unless you ask them out,
so that's, like, a catch-22.

- Whoa, well done.

- Oh, I've been studying
for the SATs.

It's been a very extrapolatory
experience.

- Okay,
what we need is a database.

Everybody write down all the
employees you're attracted to.

Totally confidential.

I will compile a spreadsheet
of any matches

and post it above the microwave.

- Nope, we're not doing that.

Let's just say
that if you ask somebody out,

and they say no, move on.

- What if she just says no

because she has plans
that night?

Can you ask her out again
for a different night?

- I guess. I mean, it depends.
Does she really have plans,

or is she politely telling you
she's not interested?

- Which one is it, Sarah?
- It's the second one.

- [scoffs]
Whatever.

I was just asking
as a joke anyway.

- Without kids,
what's the point of life?

- I can't believe you'd want
to bring someone

into this crazy world.

- Sometimes people do change
their minds.

I mean, I met Jerusha when we
were both working

at my father's hardware store.

I asked her out every day
for a year,

and then she said yes.

all: Aww.

- Yes.
- Okay, actually,

that's called a systemic pattern
of hostility.

It's, like, the number one thing
you can't do.

- I got a question.

The actress in the video,
does she get paid per video,

or is it more of a flat rate
for the whole day kind of thing?

- My guess is flat rate.

- Can ignoring someone
you're dating

be considered harassment?

- I don't think so.
- Of course you don't.

- I'm--I'm just not explaining
it right.

I wasn't harassing her.

She agreed to go out with me
because my father threatened

to fire her if she didn't.

- Myrtle, I'm so sorry.

It was wrong to harass you,
and if you want,

I will quit right now.

- No, no, no.
- Yes, quit.

- Arthur is a lovely guy.

He was just trying
to compliment you.

- That's all it is!

I like your sweater,
and I think you're pretty.

- Ohh.
- And I love how your sweater

cleaves tight against
your breasts.

- Arthur, no.
- Gross, dude.

She's, like, 100.

- Okay, this is actually
making things worse.

- It's not always harassment.

I mean, Jerusha and I
got married.

- Oh, so it's not harassment
if you marry them?

- Oh, God, what have I done?

- They're like two little
robin's eggs all bundled up

in a bird's nest.

- Stop.
- Found her on IMDB.

She was on "NCIS."
She played "Lady in Pool."

Acting life is tough.

- * All I want to do
is make love to you *

* I've got lovin' arms to--

- So right in here is where
I saw the feces swastika.

- Okay.

- Happy Valentine's Day, baby.

- Mm, yeah, you too.

- Oh, all right,
well, there you go.

- Oh, you didn't
have to get me anything.

- It's a keychain.
- Thank you.

- 'Cause you're always losing
your keys.

- Ahh, what a small,
thoughtful...small gift.

- Are you angry at me?

'Cause I'm not ignoring you.

I just don't think everybody
at work needs to know

you're my boyfriend.

- Boyfriend?

- Yeah.

- I'm your boyfriend?

- Yeah.

- Oh, you've never
called me that before.

Boyfriend is way better
than the keychain.

- So what did you get me?

- I'm sorry. I've been dealing
with a lot of drama today.

- Oh, okay.
Yeah, no, that's all right.

- Yeah.
- Sure.

Sure, so...

- Anyway, I was convinced that I
was gonna be the president

of the thespians,
but then Steve Luber got it.

- What?
- And he was in, like,

three plays.

- Hey, sweetheart.

Did you get what I sent you in
for, or did you get distracted?

Men, right?

- Hey, wh--who--

- Look, Tyler and Megan
are in the car.

- Oh, you're married?
- No, no, no, no, no.

Those are not my kids.

Those are your kids
with your boyfriend.

- How dare you!

You are the closest thing
those kids have had to a father

since he died at war.

- Fighting for the other side,
and we are not married!

- I never signed
any divorce papers!

- You don't remember
you signed them

because of your
drinking problem!

- I drink because of you!

- You don't--

great, now she's gone.

Why would you do that?

- You put your personal libido
in front of busting a thief.

- She's not a thief!

She--oh, my God.
My wallet's gone.

- There you go.
- Oh, wait, no, no.

It's in the other pocket.

My chiropractor told me
to switch it up.

- Jerusha, our whole marriage

is based on a sex crime.

No, no, no,
you only think you love me.

You were my victim!

- Ooh, he got her puppies too?

I'm not a big Valentine's Day
guy, but Jeff and Sandra are--

- Jandra.

We should call them Jandra.

[puppies barking]

Puppies!

Hi!

Ohh!

- Why does everybody
want to [bleep] Jeff?

- Oh, hey, if you've got plans
tonight, you can head out.

I'm fine to finish this up.

- No, I'm good.

No plans for me.

- Yeah, me neither.

- Oh!

Wow, you are not messing around.

[rock music]

*

- Aah!
[grunts]

[balloons popping]

Yah!

Aah!

- [grunts]

- What is wrong with you?

Ugh!
Coconut.

- I got caramel.

- Mmm.
- Mmm.

Happy Valentine's Day,
by the way.

- Oh, yeah.

Happy Valentine's Day.

[light quirky music]

*