All language subtitles for Superstore.S02E11.WEBRip.x264-ION10_English
Afrikaans
Albanian
Amharic
Armenian
Azerbaijani
Basque
Belarusian
Bengali
Bosnian
Bulgarian
Catalan
Cebuano
Chichewa
Chinese (Simplified)
Chinese (Traditional)
Corsican
Croatian
Czech
Danish
Esperanto
Estonian
Filipino
Finnish
French
Frisian
Galician
Georgian
German
Greek
Gujarati
Haitian Creole
Hausa
Hawaiian
Hebrew
Hindi
Hmong
Hungarian
Icelandic
Igbo
Indonesian
Irish
Italian
Japanese
Javanese
Kannada
Kazakh
Khmer
Korean
Kurdish (Kurmanji)
Kyrgyz
Lao
Latin
Latvian
Lithuanian
Luxembourgish
Macedonian
Malagasy
Malay
Malayalam
Maltese
Maori
Marathi
Mongolian
Myanmar (Burmese)
Nepali
Norwegian
Pashto
Persian
Polish
Portuguese
Punjabi
Romanian
Russian
Samoan
Scots Gaelic
Serbian
Sesotho
Shona
Sindhi
Sinhala
Slovak
Slovenian
Somali
Spanish
Sundanese
Swahili
Swedish
Tajik
Tamil
Telugu
Thai
Turkish
Ukrainian
Urdu
Uzbek
Vietnamese
Welsh
Xhosa
Yiddish
Yoruba
Zulu
Odia (Oriya)
Kinyarwanda
Turkmen
Tatar
Uyghur
Would you like to inspect the original subtitles? These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated:
1
00:00:01,102 --> 00:00:01,242
.
2
00:00:05,239 --> 00:00:06,069
- It's like watching
a mummy unwrap itself.
3
00:00:07,475 --> 00:00:10,105
- I mean, how long
can this go on for, really?
4
00:00:10,144 --> 00:00:13,454
- Oh, she'll--she'll get there.
Oh, nope, nope, she's going
5
00:00:13,481 --> 00:00:15,621
in the wrong direction now.
- Come on, Myrtle.
6
00:00:15,649 --> 00:00:17,819
- Oh, this could take a while.
7
00:00:17,851 --> 00:00:21,621
- Ugh, can we, like, get some
coat hooks or something?
8
00:00:21,655 --> 00:00:24,185
- Well, before we do that,
can we fix this drip?
9
00:00:24,225 --> 00:00:25,625
Or, like, at least
get a new bucket?
10
00:00:25,659 --> 00:00:29,529
- Oh, I would love to fix that,
but, no, corporate
11
00:00:29,563 --> 00:00:33,073
only gave us $15.00
for break room repairs,
12
00:00:33,101 --> 00:00:35,441
and we blew through that
on the bat traps.
13
00:00:35,469 --> 00:00:37,639
- Speaking of corporate,
this memo just came through:
14
00:00:37,671 --> 00:00:39,271
"This time of year,
many of us suffer
15
00:00:39,307 --> 00:00:40,407
"from Seasonal
Affective Disorder.
16
00:00:40,441 --> 00:00:42,581
Look out for the following
symptoms of depression--"
17
00:00:42,610 --> 00:00:45,080
- Pfft!
Who would get depressed here?
18
00:00:45,113 --> 00:00:46,283
- "Listlessness..."
- Come on.
19
00:00:46,314 --> 00:00:47,554
- "Irritability..."
- You wish.
20
00:00:47,581 --> 00:00:49,151
- "General discontent..."
- No way.
21
00:00:49,183 --> 00:00:50,653
- "Apathy..."
- Give me a break.
22
00:00:50,684 --> 00:00:53,594
- "Above all,
remember Cloud 9 cares.
23
00:00:53,621 --> 00:00:56,391
"This memo clears parent company
of any liability
24
00:00:56,424 --> 00:00:57,594
for employee suicide."
25
00:00:57,625 --> 00:01:00,185
- Hmm, Cloud 9 really does care.
26
00:01:00,228 --> 00:01:01,598
- Well, they did send a letter.
27
00:01:01,629 --> 00:01:04,599
[upbeat music]
28
00:01:04,632 --> 00:01:06,502
*
29
00:01:08,569 --> 00:01:11,309
- Hey.
- Oh, hey, Dina, what's up?
30
00:01:11,339 --> 00:01:13,209
- So are you just
planning to avoid me
31
00:01:13,241 --> 00:01:14,541
until one of us
quits, or--?
32
00:01:14,575 --> 00:01:17,275
- No, no, no, no, it's just,
you know, I've been busy.
33
00:01:17,311 --> 00:01:20,311
You know, different shifts,
whatevers and etceteras.
34
00:01:20,348 --> 00:01:24,848
Look, Dina, the time
we had together was special,
35
00:01:24,885 --> 00:01:27,415
but, as a child of divorce--
- Oh, believe me.
36
00:01:27,455 --> 00:01:29,485
I have absolutely no interest
in pursuing this.
37
00:01:29,523 --> 00:01:32,133
I mean, do you have any idea
the kind of men I've had?
38
00:01:32,160 --> 00:01:35,260
Sky diving instructors,
hand models,
39
00:01:35,296 --> 00:01:37,666
two of the original members
of Fine Young Cannibals.
40
00:01:37,698 --> 00:01:39,698
Come on.
- Okay, well, great.
41
00:01:39,733 --> 00:01:42,673
So just a one time thing then.
- Oh, yeah.
42
00:01:42,703 --> 00:01:45,673
Just don't be weird,
and things will be fine.
43
00:01:45,706 --> 00:01:50,206
- Okay, I won't be weird,
lady who has multiple birds.
44
00:01:50,244 --> 00:01:57,294
*
45
00:01:58,719 --> 00:02:00,719
- Sandra's up.
- All right, Sandra!
46
00:02:00,754 --> 00:02:02,694
[cheers and applause]
47
00:02:02,723 --> 00:02:04,663
- Am I doing this right?
- Yes, but pace yourself.
48
00:02:04,692 --> 00:02:06,292
- Okay.
- I can't believe you guys
49
00:02:06,327 --> 00:02:08,197
do this every year.
- Well, corporate tells us
50
00:02:08,229 --> 00:02:09,659
to clean out Lost and Found
every January,
51
00:02:09,697 --> 00:02:10,827
but they never tell us how.
52
00:02:10,864 --> 00:02:13,234
- We used to give it to charity,
but then Goodwill told us
53
00:02:13,267 --> 00:02:14,667
not to leave our trash
on their loading dock.
54
00:02:14,702 --> 00:02:16,402
- Hurry up, Sandra.
It's not like
55
00:02:16,437 --> 00:02:17,637
you're gonna find
a man in there.
56
00:02:17,671 --> 00:02:20,271
- Please, hold on, last year
I ended up with a broken comb.
57
00:02:20,308 --> 00:02:21,338
I just need one second.
58
00:02:21,375 --> 00:02:22,675
- Boo!
Three, two, one.
59
00:02:22,710 --> 00:02:24,680
- Ah!
- And Sandra's got
60
00:02:24,712 --> 00:02:29,182
an old pair of dentures, yes!
[applause]
61
00:02:29,217 --> 00:02:31,387
- A lot of good stuff
in there this year.
62
00:02:31,419 --> 00:02:34,689
- Oh, hey, uh, Tate,
you're basically
63
00:02:34,722 --> 00:02:36,322
a doctor, right?
64
00:02:36,357 --> 00:02:39,427
- Even better, I'm a pharmacist.
Doctor to the doctors.
65
00:02:39,460 --> 00:02:42,460
- Oh, close enough, anyway I--
- Do I regret not going
66
00:02:42,496 --> 00:02:46,196
for the big M-D?
Not usually, sometimes.
67
00:02:46,234 --> 00:02:47,674
Yeah, when I'm laying
in my tanning bed alone
68
00:02:47,701 --> 00:02:51,411
with my thoughts...
sometimes.
69
00:02:52,606 --> 00:02:55,606
- Hey, anyway, um, I wanted
to ask you a question.
70
00:02:55,643 --> 00:02:57,283
- Sure.
- Okay, I always thought
71
00:02:57,311 --> 00:02:59,351
depression was this thing
that housewives invented
72
00:02:59,380 --> 00:03:02,350
so they could take extra naps,
but you don't think
73
00:03:02,383 --> 00:03:04,623
that people around here
could have it, do you?
74
00:03:04,652 --> 00:03:06,292
- Well, there are
lots of employees here
75
00:03:06,320 --> 00:03:08,390
on antidepressants.
- What? Who?
76
00:03:08,422 --> 00:03:10,492
- Glenn, you know
I can't tell you that.
77
00:03:10,524 --> 00:03:12,294
- Well, how many?
78
00:03:12,326 --> 00:03:13,656
- [clears throat]
About 20.
79
00:03:13,694 --> 00:03:16,534
13 women, 7 men.
Now, I can't give you names,
80
00:03:16,564 --> 00:03:18,734
but it's mostly the uggos.
81
00:03:18,766 --> 00:03:20,726
Doesn't really narrow it down.
82
00:03:20,768 --> 00:03:23,698
- You know, I do volunteer work
at this children's ward,
83
00:03:23,737 --> 00:03:26,707
and there's a guy who dresses up
as a clown and goes around
84
00:03:26,740 --> 00:03:28,640
cheering up the kids.
85
00:03:28,676 --> 00:03:29,806
Maybe that would work?
86
00:03:29,843 --> 00:03:31,753
They say laughter's
the best medicine.
87
00:03:31,779 --> 00:03:33,979
- The best medicine
is penicillin.
88
00:03:34,014 --> 00:03:36,454
At least it used to be.
With all these superbugs now,
89
00:03:36,484 --> 00:03:37,794
we might all be dead
in ten years,
90
00:03:37,818 --> 00:03:40,618
so I guess laughter's
as good as anything.
91
00:03:40,654 --> 00:03:41,624
- Okay.
92
00:03:41,655 --> 00:03:42,585
- All right,
ticktock, come on.
93
00:03:42,623 --> 00:03:45,333
- I think I saw
a stuffed giraffe in here,
94
00:03:45,359 --> 00:03:48,299
and Harmonica loves giraffes,
so, uh, ooh!
95
00:03:48,329 --> 00:03:53,329
- And it's a wig.
- Ooh, I can't give this to her.
96
00:03:53,367 --> 00:03:55,737
She'll think I'm slamming her
for being bald.
97
00:03:55,769 --> 00:03:59,009
- Ooh, oh, it's a VHS copy
of "Murder, She Wrote,"
98
00:03:59,039 --> 00:04:01,809
seasons three,
episodes seven through nine.
99
00:04:01,842 --> 00:04:05,552
- Oh, God.
Cargo shorts?
100
00:04:05,579 --> 00:04:09,779
- A journal.
All right, what do we got here?
101
00:04:09,817 --> 00:04:10,677
A lot of boobs.
102
00:04:10,718 --> 00:04:13,488
- There you go girl, oh, yeah!
[cheering]
103
00:04:13,521 --> 00:04:15,491
- Ooh.
- Hey.
104
00:04:15,523 --> 00:04:17,663
- Ooh.
- Oh, a purse.
105
00:04:17,691 --> 00:04:19,691
- Oh, look at this.
- Ooh.
106
00:04:19,727 --> 00:04:20,757
[toy squeaking]
- You could swap.
107
00:04:20,794 --> 00:04:24,374
- There's a squeaker in it, too.
How cute is that?
108
00:04:24,398 --> 00:04:26,668
- Ooh.
- Why?
109
00:04:26,700 --> 00:04:29,800
- Ahh, there it is.
My birds love these.
110
00:04:31,572 --> 00:04:33,812
- Okay. Wow, that actually looks
really nice.
111
00:04:33,841 --> 00:04:37,611
- Someone left that here?
- Ooh, this kind of works on me.
112
00:04:37,645 --> 00:04:39,745
- Yeah, it's great,
if you wanna wear a man's jacket
113
00:04:39,780 --> 00:04:41,780
and look like a man.
Hey, everyone, look at that man
114
00:04:41,815 --> 00:04:44,545
wearing that man's jacket.
Get used to it 'cause
115
00:04:44,585 --> 00:04:45,685
you're gonna hear it a lot.
116
00:04:45,719 --> 00:04:48,619
- Hey, Mateo, would you
like to swap this leather jacket
117
00:04:48,656 --> 00:04:50,816
for your cargo shorts?
- What? No.
118
00:04:50,858 --> 00:04:52,528
Are you sure?
'Cause I don't care.
119
00:04:52,560 --> 00:04:54,600
But, you know, if--
if you want, I mean, yeah.
120
00:04:54,628 --> 00:04:55,828
- If you're gonna be...
- Thank you so much.
121
00:04:55,863 --> 00:04:57,333
- A little bitch about it.
122
00:04:57,365 --> 00:05:00,665
Okay, who's next?
123
00:05:00,701 --> 00:05:05,441
- * I'm not leaving now,
honey, not a chance *
124
00:05:05,473 --> 00:05:07,483
["Kids In America"
by Kim Wilde]
125
00:05:07,508 --> 00:05:10,438
* Hot-shot,
give me no problems *
126
00:05:10,478 --> 00:05:11,678
* Much later...
127
00:05:11,712 --> 00:05:14,552
- Hey, Cheyenne.
128
00:05:14,582 --> 00:05:16,922
How you doing?
129
00:05:16,950 --> 00:05:19,420
- Just a little down,
you know, some days
130
00:05:19,453 --> 00:05:22,563
you get the giraffe,
and other days you get the wig.
131
00:05:22,590 --> 00:05:24,790
- That's so true.
132
00:05:24,825 --> 00:05:29,395
But hey, what is
your favorite animal, hmm?
133
00:05:29,430 --> 00:05:32,930
- Ooh, a peacock.
134
00:05:32,966 --> 00:05:34,366
- A peacock.
135
00:05:34,402 --> 00:05:36,842
Okay, that's--
that's ambitious.
136
00:05:36,870 --> 00:05:39,440
I know how to do a dog,
so...
137
00:05:39,473 --> 00:05:41,883
- Okay, dog.
- No, no, you said peacock.
138
00:05:41,909 --> 00:05:43,839
One peacock, coming up.
139
00:05:43,877 --> 00:05:45,747
[balloon snaps]
- [screams] Ow!
140
00:05:45,779 --> 00:05:47,879
My eye! Ow, ow, ow!
- Oh, oh, no, no, I did--
141
00:05:47,915 --> 00:05:50,375
- Ow, ow, ow, ow, ow!
142
00:05:51,785 --> 00:05:54,715
- Hey, Janet.
What's your favorite animal?
143
00:05:54,755 --> 00:05:57,725
- A clownfish...
- Okay.
144
00:05:57,758 --> 00:05:59,788
- Riding a bicycle.
145
00:06:03,531 --> 00:06:05,731
- Hey, Dina, uh,
I can't work on Thursday,
146
00:06:05,766 --> 00:06:06,896
but Brett said
he'd cover for me,
147
00:06:06,934 --> 00:06:07,874
so could you change
the schedule?
148
00:06:07,901 --> 00:06:12,411
- Oh, boy, here we go.
Cue Garrett being weird.
149
00:06:12,440 --> 00:06:14,810
- What? No, I'm just--
I can't work on Thursday, so--
150
00:06:14,842 --> 00:06:17,782
- Do you even hear
yourself right now?
151
00:06:17,811 --> 00:06:18,851
Wow.
152
00:06:20,514 --> 00:06:23,754
- No, you were supposed to
cancel dinner with your parents.
153
00:06:23,784 --> 00:06:27,154
No, Adam, I can't
keep doing everything for you.
154
00:06:27,187 --> 00:06:28,987
No, I'm not yelling,
I am whispering.
155
00:06:29,022 --> 00:06:30,822
Okay, you know what?
I can't talk about this
156
00:06:30,858 --> 00:06:33,888
right now, I'm at work.
Good-bye.
157
00:06:33,927 --> 00:06:37,157
- Amy, I have
an important question.
158
00:06:37,197 --> 00:06:38,727
Might I borrow these
this weekend?
159
00:06:38,766 --> 00:06:39,926
I'm attending the opera.
160
00:06:39,967 --> 00:06:43,197
- Um, yes, all you need now
is a T-shirt
161
00:06:43,236 --> 00:06:45,836
with Bugs Bunny dressed like
a cholo, and you're ready to go.
162
00:06:45,873 --> 00:06:47,643
- [laughs]
Oh, you know what?
163
00:06:47,675 --> 00:06:50,805
I think you left some stuff
in your pockets.
164
00:06:50,844 --> 00:06:54,654
Yeah, here we go.
Here is your old end of a joint.
165
00:06:54,682 --> 00:06:55,882
Enjoy.
- Yes, I've been
166
00:06:55,916 --> 00:06:57,546
looking for that.
- Here's your half-filled
167
00:06:57,585 --> 00:06:59,715
tin of dip, didn't know
you were a dipper.
168
00:06:59,753 --> 00:07:01,863
- Yeah, don't even
talk to me before I dip.
169
00:07:01,889 --> 00:07:05,029
- Fliers for sexy escorts.
- Gross.
170
00:07:05,058 --> 00:07:08,628
- This one says,
"Carerra is gymnast."
171
00:07:08,662 --> 00:07:12,532
So you might wanna keep her
at the top of the pile.
172
00:07:12,566 --> 00:07:18,236
An old receipt, and, uh,
here is your...
173
00:07:18,271 --> 00:07:20,671
giant wad of cash.
174
00:07:27,014 --> 00:07:27,314
- Oh, yeah.
175
00:07:28,949 --> 00:07:31,589
I'm the bad boy
of my friend group.
176
00:07:31,619 --> 00:07:34,859
- Silly string attack!
- No, what are you doing?
177
00:07:34,888 --> 00:07:37,258
- What?
- This stuff stains.
178
00:07:37,290 --> 00:07:39,030
- I'm so sorry.
179
00:07:39,059 --> 00:07:41,899
I was just trying
to brighten your day.
180
00:07:43,731 --> 00:07:44,971
Here.
181
00:07:48,268 --> 00:07:50,668
I forgot it was gonna do that.
182
00:07:50,704 --> 00:07:53,974
- $906.
- Somewhere in St. Louis,
183
00:07:54,007 --> 00:07:56,977
there's an overweight stoner
who can't pay his escort.
184
00:07:57,010 --> 00:07:58,710
What are you gonna do
with it?
185
00:07:58,746 --> 00:08:00,606
- I don't know, I mean,
I guess I'll pay some bills...
186
00:08:00,648 --> 00:08:01,878
- Mm-hmm.
- And then my sister needs
187
00:08:01,915 --> 00:08:04,245
a new windshield,
and my mom's crisper drawer
188
00:08:04,284 --> 00:08:07,764
in her fridge is broken, so--
- [snores]
189
00:08:07,788 --> 00:08:10,288
So sorry, I-I get
that your mother's fridge
190
00:08:10,323 --> 00:08:14,063
is super exciting, but I meant
what are you gonna do for you?
191
00:08:14,094 --> 00:08:15,734
- I don't need anything.
192
00:08:15,763 --> 00:08:17,033
- No, it's not about need.
This is not about need.
193
00:08:17,064 --> 00:08:19,034
This is free money.
This is your chance
194
00:08:19,066 --> 00:08:20,926
to get you something.
So I want you
195
00:08:20,968 --> 00:08:22,998
to close your eyes--do it--
and I'm gonna
196
00:08:23,036 --> 00:08:24,936
ask you a question,
and I want you to say
197
00:08:24,972 --> 00:08:26,912
the first thing that pops
into your mind.
198
00:08:26,940 --> 00:08:28,740
Stop laughing.
Take this seriously, okay?
199
00:08:28,776 --> 00:08:29,806
- Okay, I'm sorry,
I just keep having
200
00:08:29,843 --> 00:08:31,983
this mental image of you doing
that cliché where you
201
00:08:32,012 --> 00:08:33,852
get me to magically discover
the one thing I never knew
202
00:08:33,881 --> 00:08:35,321
I wanted--so dumb.
Okay, my mind's clear.
203
00:08:35,348 --> 00:08:37,018
- Well, now you ruined it,
so you're never gonna know
204
00:08:37,050 --> 00:08:38,020
what you want.
205
00:08:38,051 --> 00:08:41,791
- Okay, look, if I were gonna
splurge on myself,
206
00:08:41,822 --> 00:08:44,592
there is this really fancy spa
that I drive by every day
207
00:08:44,625 --> 00:08:46,885
on my way to work,
and I have imagined
208
00:08:46,927 --> 00:08:48,557
what it would be like to,
like, go in there
209
00:08:48,596 --> 00:08:50,026
and be like, do it up.
210
00:08:50,063 --> 00:08:51,673
- Yes!
You be selfish.
211
00:08:51,699 --> 00:08:53,999
This is your moment.
- Yeah, I'm going to.
212
00:08:54,034 --> 00:08:56,774
- Good, I'm glad I could help.
- You didn't really
213
00:08:56,804 --> 00:08:59,044
do that much, but...
- Anytime.
214
00:08:59,072 --> 00:09:01,912
- Okay.
215
00:09:01,942 --> 00:09:03,712
[ragtime music plays]
216
00:09:03,744 --> 00:09:05,654
- Huh?
Come on, huh?
217
00:09:05,679 --> 00:09:07,879
- I guess
it's starting to work.
218
00:09:07,915 --> 00:09:09,645
Maybe if you go
a little faster?
219
00:09:09,683 --> 00:09:12,953
- Yeah, I can go faster,
sure.
220
00:09:12,986 --> 00:09:14,786
- Yeah, the fog's
definitely lifting now.
221
00:09:14,822 --> 00:09:16,662
- Oh, good!
Good, good.
222
00:09:16,690 --> 00:09:18,130
Whew! Sorry, 'cause...
[music stops]
223
00:09:18,158 --> 00:09:20,028
I need to take
a little break.
224
00:09:20,060 --> 00:09:24,000
- Oh, yeah, fine, just stop.
Just make it all stop.
225
00:09:24,031 --> 00:09:26,131
- No, no, no, no, no,
I-I'll keep going.
226
00:09:26,166 --> 00:09:28,796
Here we go, okay.
Ahh, having a good time.
227
00:09:28,836 --> 00:09:31,166
[ragtime music continues]
228
00:09:31,204 --> 00:09:33,944
- Stop smiling at me.
- I'm not smiling at you.
229
00:09:33,974 --> 00:09:35,814
- Oh, grow up.
230
00:09:35,843 --> 00:09:38,083
*
231
00:09:38,111 --> 00:09:41,081
- Come on,
I'm going faster, see?
232
00:09:41,114 --> 00:09:42,054
Fast as I can.
233
00:09:44,985 --> 00:09:47,015
- Hey, come here
and check it out.
234
00:09:47,054 --> 00:09:50,894
Salt scrub, essential oils,
deep tissue rub-down.
235
00:09:50,924 --> 00:09:53,664
For 900 bucks, they basically
treat you like a brisket.
236
00:09:53,694 --> 00:09:57,164
- For 900 bucks minus
the 80 or so I may have given
237
00:09:57,197 --> 00:10:00,997
to Cheyenne for diapers.
- You suck at being selfish.
238
00:10:01,034 --> 00:10:03,974
- Look, $820.00 is plenty
to have a nice day at the spa.
239
00:10:04,004 --> 00:10:05,974
And every single penny
of that money
240
00:10:06,006 --> 00:10:08,036
is going to this girl.
241
00:10:08,075 --> 00:10:11,105
- Amy found $900.00!
What should we all do with it?
242
00:10:11,144 --> 00:10:12,214
[all exclaiming]
243
00:10:12,245 --> 00:10:14,715
- In retrospect, perhaps
I shouldn't have told her
244
00:10:14,748 --> 00:10:16,878
how much we found.
245
00:10:16,917 --> 00:10:19,087
- You should've just fixed
your mom's crisper.
246
00:10:19,119 --> 00:10:20,149
[overlapping chatter]
- I don't remember.
247
00:10:25,025 --> 00:10:28,995
- [high-pitched voice] Hey!
No monkey business at work.
248
00:10:29,029 --> 00:10:30,699
[normal voice]
Yeah, you have to tell me
249
00:10:30,731 --> 00:10:32,971
if you're smiling.
- I'm not.
250
00:10:33,000 --> 00:10:35,070
- [high-pitched voice]
Well, I bet I can cheer you up,
251
00:10:35,102 --> 00:10:37,872
or I'm a monkey's uncle.
252
00:10:37,905 --> 00:10:40,035
- Oh, well, I guess
the thing that's
253
00:10:40,073 --> 00:10:41,983
really concerning me
is my boss.
254
00:10:42,009 --> 00:10:43,079
He's got a lot of problems.
255
00:10:43,110 --> 00:10:46,010
- What?
That's bananas.
256
00:10:46,046 --> 00:10:48,046
- Yeah, uh, actually,
none of his employees
257
00:10:48,081 --> 00:10:49,951
respect him,
retail's dying,
258
00:10:49,983 --> 00:10:52,823
yet he works at a crap store,
he tried to be a deacon
259
00:10:52,853 --> 00:10:56,793
at his church like five times,
but they just don't want him.
260
00:10:56,824 --> 00:10:58,764
Oh, and for the record,
that whole banana thing?
261
00:10:58,792 --> 00:11:01,032
That's actually a myth.
Yeah, most monkeys live and die
262
00:11:01,061 --> 00:11:02,901
without ever having seen
a banana.
263
00:11:02,930 --> 00:11:05,930
Their lives are short,
violent, and horrifying.
264
00:11:10,203 --> 00:11:11,203
- Dina?
265
00:11:13,841 --> 00:11:14,981
Are you there?
266
00:11:15,008 --> 00:11:17,478
- Well, I would return the money
if I knew whose it was,
267
00:11:17,510 --> 00:11:18,550
but there was no ID.
268
00:11:18,578 --> 00:11:21,048
- Although we did find weed,
dip, porn, and a receipt
269
00:11:21,081 --> 00:11:22,981
for an Arizona iced tea,
so we know it's
270
00:11:23,016 --> 00:11:25,086
somebody with class.
- Was the iced tea
271
00:11:25,118 --> 00:11:27,918
raspberry or regular?
- Does it matter, Sandra?
272
00:11:27,955 --> 00:11:30,185
- No.
Sorry.
273
00:11:30,223 --> 00:11:33,193
- So do we all just
split the money?
274
00:11:33,226 --> 00:11:35,156
- Well--
- Yo, I say we take this money
275
00:11:35,195 --> 00:11:38,065
to the track, double it,
then double it again,
276
00:11:38,098 --> 00:11:40,268
double it again,
then lose it.
277
00:11:40,300 --> 00:11:42,470
- Guys, guys,
hold on just a second.
278
00:11:42,502 --> 00:11:45,212
So Amy found the money,
and Amy's always wanted
279
00:11:45,238 --> 00:11:47,168
to get a massage
at this day spa.
280
00:11:47,207 --> 00:11:49,937
- So we're all just
gonna go get massages?
281
00:11:49,977 --> 00:11:51,847
- That's--
- He's got a point though.
282
00:11:51,879 --> 00:11:54,079
We should treat ourselves
to something nice.
283
00:11:54,114 --> 00:11:55,254
- No.
- Well, since Amy grifted me,
284
00:11:55,282 --> 00:11:58,092
can we at least use some
of the money to buy coat hooks?
285
00:11:58,118 --> 00:12:00,788
- Oh, and some lamps
because these fluorescent lights
286
00:12:00,821 --> 00:12:02,791
got people looking
like Tilda Swinton.
287
00:12:02,823 --> 00:12:05,163
- Ooh, and Amy, you can
finally get your bucket.
288
00:12:05,192 --> 00:12:07,092
- But, guys, these are--
there are all great ideas,
289
00:12:07,127 --> 00:12:11,027
but, um, Amy found the money,
so maybe Amy should be able
290
00:12:11,064 --> 00:12:13,304
to do with it
as she pleases.
291
00:12:13,333 --> 00:12:19,143
- Right, and, um,
what I wanna do with it is...
292
00:12:22,943 --> 00:12:25,083
Fix up the break room.
[all cheering]
293
00:12:25,112 --> 00:12:28,182
- Yo, this is gonna be dope.
We're gonna get all these lamps.
294
00:12:28,215 --> 00:12:31,045
- What?
I get a new bucket.
295
00:12:37,124 --> 00:12:38,134
- Hey, look, I just wanted
to clarify about earlier
296
00:12:40,828 --> 00:12:42,928
when I was smiling,
that I wasn't.
297
00:12:42,963 --> 00:12:47,133
I mean, I wasn't smiling at you.
See, I was pretending to smile
298
00:12:47,167 --> 00:12:49,797
because Glenn is, like,
trying to make people happy,
299
00:12:49,837 --> 00:12:50,997
and, like, was doing,
so I was--
300
00:12:51,038 --> 00:12:54,538
Look, point is,
I wasn't being weird.
301
00:12:54,574 --> 00:12:57,814
- Right, okay, so you
accidentally smiled at me,
302
00:12:57,845 --> 00:12:59,505
then let your neuroses build up
to the point that you
303
00:12:59,546 --> 00:13:01,946
had to track me down
in the dressing rooms
304
00:13:01,982 --> 00:13:05,092
to explain it away...
like a normal person.
305
00:13:05,118 --> 00:13:07,318
- Oh, no, I just--
what--what I was doing--
306
00:13:07,354 --> 00:13:10,124
- Is this your first time?
Is that what this is about?
307
00:13:10,157 --> 00:13:11,187
- No--
- Listen, it's nothing
308
00:13:11,224 --> 00:13:13,064
to be ashamed of, okay?
309
00:13:13,093 --> 00:13:15,163
You're actually the third v-card
I've taken.
310
00:13:15,195 --> 00:13:16,895
And don't you go
falling in love with me.
311
00:13:16,930 --> 00:13:18,000
[laughs]
312
00:13:18,031 --> 00:13:19,201
- What?
313
00:13:22,202 --> 00:13:25,512
- Ooh, a panini press!
We could have hot sandwiches.
314
00:13:25,538 --> 00:13:28,538
- Uh, okay, yeah.
Put it in the cart.
315
00:13:28,575 --> 00:13:30,205
What?
I love hot sandwiches.
316
00:13:30,243 --> 00:13:31,883
Ask anybody.
- I just thought
317
00:13:31,912 --> 00:13:34,252
that the rest of the money
was gonna go to this gal.
318
00:13:34,281 --> 00:13:36,981
- It is because
what makes me happy
319
00:13:37,017 --> 00:13:38,547
is seeing other people
be happy.
320
00:13:38,585 --> 00:13:40,845
- Oh, really?
Great, because I would be
321
00:13:40,888 --> 00:13:45,888
so happy if I had
a psychedelic lava lamp.
322
00:13:45,926 --> 00:13:46,726
- Then you should have it.
323
00:13:46,759 --> 00:13:49,129
- Great, that's--
okay, thank you.
324
00:13:49,162 --> 00:13:50,332
You know what?
This is gonna look
325
00:13:50,363 --> 00:13:56,173
really nice with my brand-new
framed photo of Ronald Regan.
326
00:13:56,203 --> 00:13:57,343
- That too.
327
00:13:57,370 --> 00:14:02,110
- Fantastic, do we sell
above-ground pools?
328
00:14:02,142 --> 00:14:05,112
[upbeat music]
329
00:14:05,145 --> 00:14:09,145
*
330
00:14:09,182 --> 00:14:12,252
- Uh, hey, don't get up.
Uh, are you the one
331
00:14:12,285 --> 00:14:14,615
I'm supposed to talk to
about changing the water cooler
332
00:14:14,654 --> 00:14:16,164
in the pharmacy?
- Nah, man.
333
00:14:16,189 --> 00:14:20,889
- Oh, I'd do it myself,
but not waterproof.
334
00:14:20,928 --> 00:14:22,328
It's heavy though,
you wanna try it on?
335
00:14:22,362 --> 00:14:24,032
- Nah, I'm cool.
- [laughs]
336
00:14:24,064 --> 00:14:26,034
Don't be shy.
My other one's better,
337
00:14:26,066 --> 00:14:27,366
of course.
Wouldn't wear it here.
338
00:14:27,400 --> 00:14:30,240
Way too expensive.
- What it do, Pikachu?
339
00:14:34,074 --> 00:14:35,084
- Ugh.
340
00:14:37,177 --> 00:14:40,107
- Well, that was weird.
- No, it wasn't weird.
341
00:14:40,147 --> 00:14:42,047
It was completely normal.
342
00:14:42,082 --> 00:14:45,352
Everything--I'm chill, man.
343
00:14:45,385 --> 00:14:46,515
- Okay.
344
00:14:50,157 --> 00:14:53,027
- Hey, excuse me, uh, my son
is taking dishes off the shelves
345
00:14:53,060 --> 00:14:54,230
and smashing them on the floor.
346
00:14:54,261 --> 00:14:56,201
Can you, uh, stop him?
347
00:14:56,229 --> 00:14:58,429
I don't want him to think
of me as a bad guy.
348
00:14:58,465 --> 00:15:01,295
- Um, let me find someone
to help you with that.
349
00:15:05,738 --> 00:15:07,208
Where is everybody?
350
00:15:07,240 --> 00:15:10,210
[soothing music]
351
00:15:10,243 --> 00:15:14,213
*
352
00:15:14,247 --> 00:15:16,947
[drill whirring]
353
00:15:16,984 --> 00:15:20,394
- This is the best day
of my life.
354
00:15:20,420 --> 00:15:22,220
- You just had a baby.
355
00:15:26,359 --> 00:15:28,099
- What ya doing there, buddy?
356
00:15:28,128 --> 00:15:29,158
Hi.
357
00:15:33,200 --> 00:15:36,040
Oh, you're--oh, okay,
uh, here, hand me one.
358
00:15:36,069 --> 00:15:39,239
I got ya, I got ya.
Thanks--ooh!
359
00:15:39,272 --> 00:15:41,272
[grunting]
360
00:15:41,308 --> 00:15:44,338
This is real heavy.
361
00:15:47,080 --> 00:15:49,250
You going somewhere?
362
00:15:49,282 --> 00:15:53,692
Oh, you're taking the stairs.
Uh, I'm gonna take the elevator.
363
00:15:56,323 --> 00:15:58,233
- Mommy, look!
364
00:15:58,258 --> 00:16:00,188
- I know,
he's taking the elevator.
365
00:16:00,227 --> 00:16:02,097
- No, he's just
bending his knees.
366
00:16:02,129 --> 00:16:04,129
Come on.
- Hey.
367
00:16:04,164 --> 00:16:05,774
- Anyone could tell
that's what he was doing.
368
00:16:05,798 --> 00:16:07,198
- Cranky mime.
369
00:16:07,234 --> 00:16:10,274
[plates shattering]
370
00:16:13,073 --> 00:16:15,113
- Ooh, that's nice.
371
00:16:15,142 --> 00:16:18,212
Oh, hey, Tate,
can I get a turn on that?
372
00:16:18,245 --> 00:16:20,075
- There's a sign-up sheet.
373
00:16:20,113 --> 00:16:23,053
- Oh, it looks like
you've signed yourself up
374
00:16:23,083 --> 00:16:24,283
for the rest of the day.
375
00:16:24,317 --> 00:16:26,147
- Well, there's no rule
against it.
376
00:16:26,186 --> 00:16:29,416
I'm not gonna apologize for
taking advantage of a loophole.
377
00:16:29,456 --> 00:16:30,216
Makes me smart.
378
00:16:30,257 --> 00:16:32,357
- Tate, get your ass
out of my chair.
379
00:16:32,392 --> 00:16:34,392
- What?
It's all of our chair.
380
00:16:34,427 --> 00:16:36,527
- No, actually,
I bought the chair
381
00:16:36,563 --> 00:16:39,733
with the money I found
because I wanted everybody
382
00:16:39,766 --> 00:16:42,736
to be happy, including me.
So get out of my chair
383
00:16:42,769 --> 00:16:45,409
before I pull you out by your
greasy, little hair plugs.
384
00:16:45,438 --> 00:16:48,408
- All right, all right,
I'm getting up, you psycho.
385
00:16:48,441 --> 00:16:50,181
- Thank you.
386
00:16:50,210 --> 00:16:52,080
- And threatening a pharmacist,
by the way?
387
00:16:52,112 --> 00:16:54,182
That's a felony.
Probably.
388
00:16:54,214 --> 00:16:58,194
- Oh, this is so nice.
389
00:16:58,218 --> 00:16:59,518
I'm relaxing now.
390
00:16:59,552 --> 00:17:01,192
- I see that.
391
00:17:01,221 --> 00:17:02,721
- Guess what.
I found the guy
392
00:17:02,755 --> 00:17:04,285
who lost the $900.
393
00:17:04,324 --> 00:17:05,294
- [groans]
394
00:17:05,325 --> 00:17:08,255
[all grumbling]
395
00:17:10,730 --> 00:17:10,860
.
396
00:17:11,731 --> 00:17:12,431
- So I read the date
of the receipt
397
00:17:13,266 --> 00:17:15,366
for the Arizona iced tea
and remembered
398
00:17:15,402 --> 00:17:16,572
that I had sold it
seven months ago.
399
00:17:16,603 --> 00:17:18,543
- Right, 'cause you have
that awesome memory
400
00:17:18,571 --> 00:17:19,611
where you don't forget
anything.
401
00:17:19,639 --> 00:17:22,579
- I have highly superior
autobiographical memory,
402
00:17:22,609 --> 00:17:24,309
like Marilu Henner.
- Oh.
403
00:17:24,344 --> 00:17:25,684
- Anyway, I remembered
selling the same man a pack
404
00:17:25,712 --> 00:17:28,122
of tube socks back
on March 29th, so I searched
405
00:17:28,148 --> 00:17:30,648
the loyalty card database
and there he was.
406
00:17:30,683 --> 00:17:32,353
Stuart Mitchell.
407
00:17:33,186 --> 00:17:35,856
- Thank you so much
for calling me.
408
00:17:35,888 --> 00:17:38,758
I work with my church
counseling at-risk youth,
409
00:17:38,791 --> 00:17:40,691
and this was the money
I'd gotten together
410
00:17:40,727 --> 00:17:42,597
to organize
a field trip to Peru.
411
00:17:42,629 --> 00:17:44,859
- I'm sorry, I just think
it's a little suspicious
412
00:17:44,897 --> 00:17:46,827
that you have this
perfect excuse planned out
413
00:17:46,866 --> 00:17:49,536
for why you needed the money,
and it just so happens
414
00:17:49,569 --> 00:17:51,469
to make you look
like a nice guy.
415
00:17:51,504 --> 00:17:52,644
- Yeah, if the shorts
are really yours,
416
00:17:52,672 --> 00:17:54,442
what else was in the pockets?
417
00:17:54,474 --> 00:17:57,614
- Oh, um, I think
that day I'd taken away
418
00:17:57,644 --> 00:17:59,454
a bit of a joint
from one kid,
419
00:17:59,479 --> 00:18:01,709
and some dirty pictures
from another one.
420
00:18:01,748 --> 00:18:03,618
- Nice.
- Then why don't you explain
421
00:18:03,650 --> 00:18:06,650
the dip, huh?
What about the dip?
422
00:18:06,686 --> 00:18:08,686
- I use dip.
423
00:18:08,721 --> 00:18:11,621
- That checks out.
- [sighs]
424
00:18:11,658 --> 00:18:14,728
- It's a good try.
- Thank you.
425
00:18:14,761 --> 00:18:15,601
- Can I just say?
426
00:18:15,628 --> 00:18:18,698
You guys have a really nice
break room.
427
00:18:18,731 --> 00:18:20,731
- We did.
- Sure did.
428
00:18:28,408 --> 00:18:32,378
- I know this is a weird time,
but my birthday's on Friday,
429
00:18:32,412 --> 00:18:33,912
and it's gonna be
at Dave and Buster's.
430
00:18:33,946 --> 00:18:36,646
[scattered groans]
431
00:18:36,683 --> 00:18:38,893
I'll just email you the details.
432
00:18:46,693 --> 00:18:48,863
- Hey.
- Hey.
433
00:18:48,895 --> 00:18:50,625
- What's wrong?
- Nothin', I'm cool.
434
00:18:50,663 --> 00:18:53,633
Just chillin'.
- So weird.
435
00:18:55,502 --> 00:18:56,672
- You're the weird one!
436
00:18:56,703 --> 00:18:58,643
You're so weird
that nobody even can tell
437
00:18:58,671 --> 00:19:00,871
how weird you really are
'cause you make weird normal!
438
00:19:00,907 --> 00:19:02,907
If there was a day
that you acted normal,
439
00:19:02,942 --> 00:19:04,582
now that would be weird, right?
440
00:19:04,611 --> 00:19:06,681
Right?
Oh, oh, okay.
441
00:19:06,713 --> 00:19:07,713
I'm the crazy one?
442
00:19:07,747 --> 00:19:10,647
Maybe so.
I am yelling in public,
443
00:19:10,683 --> 00:19:12,693
which is not something
I normally do,
444
00:19:12,719 --> 00:19:16,459
completely out of character,
possibly a little crazy!
445
00:19:16,489 --> 00:19:19,559
Can I help you, Turtleneck?
You need some help?
446
00:19:19,592 --> 00:19:22,262
Now, if anybody needs me,
I'll be in my car
447
00:19:22,295 --> 00:19:24,625
listening to yacht rock
and eating two Take 5s
448
00:19:24,664 --> 00:19:26,974
to calm myself down!
449
00:19:26,999 --> 00:19:29,199
Whoo!
450
00:19:31,838 --> 00:19:33,708
[scanner beeping]
451
00:19:33,740 --> 00:19:38,610
[bells tinkling]
- [playing accordion]
452
00:19:42,282 --> 00:19:45,492
You know, some days
you get the giraffe,
453
00:19:45,518 --> 00:19:47,748
some days you get the wig.
454
00:19:47,787 --> 00:19:48,787
- I'm sorry?
455
00:19:48,821 --> 00:19:50,721
- It's an expression.
456
00:19:50,757 --> 00:19:51,757
You haven't heard that?
457
00:19:53,526 --> 00:19:54,756
Okay.
458
00:19:56,996 --> 00:19:59,696
I mean,
I did everything I could.
459
00:19:59,732 --> 00:20:03,842
Just some people just don't
want to be cheered up.
460
00:20:03,870 --> 00:20:05,910
Maybe it's just
the time of year.
461
00:20:11,711 --> 00:20:15,651
- Adam's sleeping
in the basement.
462
00:20:15,682 --> 00:20:16,752
Yeah.
463
00:20:16,783 --> 00:20:19,893
I told him I wasn't happy.
464
00:20:19,919 --> 00:20:22,489
I don't know what
I expected him to say,
465
00:20:22,522 --> 00:20:24,762
but he said,
"I'm not happy either,"
466
00:20:24,791 --> 00:20:28,031
which is definitely not
what I expected him to say.
467
00:20:28,060 --> 00:20:31,760
And, so, we talked about it,
and then we yelled about it,
468
00:20:31,798 --> 00:20:34,928
and then we just
stopped talking.
469
00:20:34,967 --> 00:20:37,037
And now it's all weird and tense
470
00:20:37,069 --> 00:20:41,569
and Emma's all upset
and it's just--it's miserable.
471
00:20:43,310 --> 00:20:46,780
[scanner beeps]
- Amy, I am so sorry.
472
00:20:48,815 --> 00:20:50,775
[bells tinkling]
473
00:20:50,817 --> 00:20:52,317
Do you want a balloon animal?
474
00:20:52,352 --> 00:20:56,062
- [chuckles]
No, thank you.
475
00:20:56,088 --> 00:20:58,058
It is kind of nice
to talk about it though.
476
00:20:58,090 --> 00:21:00,860
- Well, talk away.
477
00:21:03,630 --> 00:21:04,730
[pats hand on box]
478
00:21:04,764 --> 00:21:07,934
- [laughs]
479
00:21:07,967 --> 00:21:09,297
Okay.
480
00:21:11,771 --> 00:21:13,771
[horn honks]
[laughs]
481
00:21:16,108 --> 00:21:17,578
[both sigh]
482
00:21:17,610 --> 00:21:19,810
- Yeah.
- Yeah.
483
00:21:19,846 --> 00:21:21,706
I don't even know where
to start.
36541