All language subtitles for Superstore.S02E09.WEBRip.x264-ION10_English

[holiday music playing]

- Oh, hey, Adam.
How's it going?

Jonah.
- Hey.

- What's go--bring her in.
Oop!

Oh, sorry, I--
- That's all right.

Oh, I-I didn't meant to--

I stumbled on the ladder
and I fell into your hair.

I wasn't trying to kiss you.
- Oh, yeah.

I didn't think it was a kiss.
- Cool.

- Yeah.
I'm here to pick up Amy.

- All right.
Husband picking up the wife.

[laughs] Classic.

Uh, how's your, uh,
barbecue business going?

- Oh, it didn't work out.

- Oh. I'm sorry, buddy.
- Yeah.

- Hey, you know, uh,
we--we might still be looking

for some seasonal help
if you're--

you're looking for a gig,
you know?

- Wow. Yeah.
That's not a bad idea.

- What's not a bad idea?

- Uh, working here.

Jonah says you're hiring.

- Oh, um--

That is not a bad idea.
- Mm-hmm.

- But I think
we're all full up.

- Yeah. Yep.

Yes, we are all full.
- Yeah--

Uh, but you just said--
- Full of what?

- Seasonal help.
- But we're not hiring.

- Hey, Glenn?
- Hmm?

- We hiring seasonals?
- No, we're all full.

- God, I'm so pissed, Glenn.

I mean, I've been here
so long

and you can't even make
an exception for me?

- I can't.
I'm--I'm sorry.

- Come on, Glenn!

- No exceptions.
- Oh, it's okay.

- It's just the way
they do things here.

- No, no, you're right.
I should make an exception.

- Yeah, but you're
all full up and that--

- Welcome aboard.
- Thank you.

- Glad to have you.

Amy, you owe me one.

- Awesome!
This'll be fun!

- Ultra cool!
- I'm so excited about this.

[upbeat music]

*

- It has always been
the manager's spot.

I want you to stop
parking in it.

- There is no such thing
as the manager's spot--

- [coughing]
- There is.

The manager's spot is the one
that says "The Manager."

- Are you done?
- [coughs]

- Excuse me.
All right, thank you.

I'm just trying to get away
from that guy's boner.

- Okay, everyone.
Good morning!

Let's settle down.
Um, 'tis the season.

And I'd like to give
a permanent welcome

to all our new temporary workers
in the light blue vests.

Now, I haven't put all the faces
to the names yet,

but I do know
that you are Reggie

and--and we now have
a Black Todd.

Nope, you'll just be Todd.

Uh, you'll be White Todd?
Thank you.

And, uh, oh, and this
sweetheart here is Opal,

who, at 90 years old,
I think is

the oldest employee
we've ever had.

[applause]

- Oh, and lastly, let's give
a big Cloud 9 welcome

to Amy's better half,
Adam Dubanowski.

[applause]

- Yeah?

- No, babe, nobody else
gave a speech.

- No, it's cool, babe.
It's cool.

Um, I just wanted to tell
you all not to treat me

any differently just 'cause
I'm sleeping with the boss.

[laughter]

- He means Amy, not me.
I'm not gay.

- Anyway, if you have
any questions about Amy,

come see me.

I've got all the dirt.

[laughter]
- Seriously?

- Oh, right. Sorry, Bean.

- All right, uh, moving on.
Tornado safety--

- Whoa, whoa, whoa,
not moving on.

I want to know why
you just called her Bean.

- No, it's nothing.

- Is it because you like
to eat beans?

- Is it because
you fart a lot?

Like this gentleman
sitting next to me?

- It's 'cause I'm small, okay?

- When we first got together,
it was so cute,

the way she'd sleep.

Just like my little
naked bean.

[laughter]

- Stop.
Please, can you stop?

- They like it.

- Okay, well,
any more questions?

- * He knows if you've been
bad or good *

* So be good
for goodness' sake *

- * You better watch out

- Oh, don't worry.
I'll clean that up for you.

Ugh, what is the point
of these people?

They're so bad, they make
Jonah look competent.

- I know.

- This is the grimmest
year ever.

- I got a buck that says
Pornstache

is gone before lunch.

- No way, my money's
on Ladybutt.

You want in on this action?

- Uh, nope,
I will not be betting

on people losing their jobs.

- Quitting their jobs.
And they're not people.

They're temps.
- Come on.

I mean, we always lose a few
on the first day.

It's good, clean fun,
like the Myrtle death pool.

That thing's been going on
for 20 years.

- Yeah, I--
[sighs]

[groans] I shouldn't gamble.

I used to get
a little carried away.

- [with British accent]
Oh, I'm Jonah.

I'm too proper to gamble.

Where's me monocle?
- Mm-kay.

- [with Russian accent]
Oh, Hi, I'm Jonah.

I eat macadamia nuts
out of jar

inside of other jar.

[with normal voice]
[laughs] Right?

- No, what? No, not "right."
What was that?

- Okay, all right,
I'll take the--the one

with the dermatological...

- Rashface?

- Rashface. I'll take
one buck on Rashface.

- [with Russian accent]
Da! One ruble from fur hat

for glory of Soviet Union!

- What are you doing?
He's not Russian.

- [with normal voice] Yeah,
well, he's not British either.

- Would you mind helping out?

- Just finishing
this chapter.

- Sorry, she just--
she loves that book, so...

- Hey.
- Hi.

- Can you maybe not tell
any more personal things

about me to my coworkers?

It just kind of makes it hard
for me to be the boss.

- Yeah, sure.
No problem.

- Okay, thank you. thanks.
- Okay. You're welcome.

- I really appreciate it.

Hey, Adam, why don't you
maybe move these boxes closer--

- Please don't criticize me.
- What? I'm not criticizing you.

- It sounds like criti--
- What are you talking about?

You can't just say that...
- Telling me what to do.

- Every time
I open my mouth--

- You're taking advantage
of me as an underling.

- [sighs]

- This is the first year
that we're having

an in-store Santa,
so I am taking

the selection process
very seriously.

- Well, I've had
a lot of experience.

- Good.
- I've Claused a number

of department stores.
- Okay.

- And I-I was trained
by Wayne Gunderson.

- Way--
- Uh, he's a Santa Claus

at the Chicago Macy's.

- Oh, wow!

- He's a legend.

- You sound
really qualified.

- Well...
[laughs]

- [laughs] Is that it?
Is that the laugh?

- That's it, yeah.
[both laughing]

- Oh, my God. Oh, wow.

- Well, so I have the job?

- Well, not yet,
my fat red friend.

[both chuckling softly]

- * Good tidings we bring
to you and your kin *

* Good tidings for Christmas

- 'Ello, 'ello, 'ello,
Mr. Jonah.

- Hey.
- Looks like you won.

- What?
- Your buddy Rashface?

He found a used condom
in the dressing room

and just walked out the store.

Congratulations.
- Wow, that's great. That's--

I mean, that's really--
that's too bad

about his job, but, uh,
I had a feeling about that guy.

You know, just--
just, like, a really--

a really good feeling.

- Okay, well, enjoy
that two bucks.

- Oh, yeah, I'm gonna.
[laughs]

Hey, uh, you know what?

We should--
we should do another round.

What do you say?
- Okay, sure.

- Yeah, yeah,
just, like, uh--

just get some more
people involved,

you know, raise the stakes.

Oh! Oh, hey!
Uh, we should do a pool.

I won.

- Congratulations.

Out of over a dozen applicants,

you're the super six
who made it past

the grueling yet simple
Megan's Law search.

So let's get--
[cell phone chimes]

Oops, sorry.
Excuse me.

One sec.

Richard, I'm afraid I'm gonna
have to ask you to leave.

- Look, why don't you
just try

to move the boxes
closer to the shelf

and see if that doesn't
make it easier?

- You mean do it your way.

- No, I mean do it the way
literally anybody

older than 12 would do this.

- Is this about the dishes?

- This has nothing to do
with the dishes.

- I was letting them soak, I--
- You can't soak cast iron!

- Well, stop buying pans
that I can't get wet!

- Uh, it's a--
it's a professional dispute.

- Bean to customer service.

Bean, you are wanted
in customer service...

preferably
with your clothes on.

- Thank you for that.

- Ignore me.
Just doing some research.

Okay, smiling.
You're not going anywhere.

Excuse me, sir?

Uh, just out of curiosity,

how long were you
at your previous job?

- Uh, 25 years.
- Oh.

- You know, it's an interesting
story, actually.

My father started out
as a baker, so I--

- It is interesting.
- Oh, my God.

Are you kidding me?
Are you out of your mind?

Stupid bitch.
- Excuse me, sir?

- Yeah, what?

- I just couldn't
help but notice

you're getting
a little frustrated over here.

- Oh, a little? How about
I'm this close to quitting?

- Oh, well, we will be sorry
to lose you...

Isaac.

20 bucks on Isaac
the Ginger Giant.

- Man, this is intense.

I didn't even know we sold
dry erase boards this big.

- Bought it
at a different store.

Who's next?
- So we just pick one?

- It's a pari-mutuel
betting pool with live odds,

no rake, and I'm open
to exotic bets, okay?

You know, exactas, trifectas,
quadrellas, or "quaddies."

[chuckles]
- Or we could all just pick one.

- Oh, yes.
- Pick one, nice.

- Fine, so whoever's temp
quits first takes the pot?

Okay, cool. I mean, I--

I worked out all the odds,
I guess, for nothing.

But I had fun doing it,
so good times.

Who's next?

- Hey, Glenn.
Excuse me.

Um, do you have a sec
to talk?

- Oh, yeah, sure.

Now's a good time.

- Um, here?

- You're hurting my leg.
- Okay, look.

You're gonna have
to get used to that.

We get a lot
of little porkers up here.

Yeah, go on.

- [sighs] Well,
I was just wondering

if there was any way
that we could switch around

Adam's schedule just so that
we're not on the same shifts.

You know, just 'cause
I feel like it--

- Okay. Say no more.

I totally get it, okay?

I-I was actually surprised
you wanted him to work here,

seeing how things are
with your marriage.

- How things are
with my marriage?

- How things are with your...
- What does that mean?

- [stammering]
Not that things are bad.

You know, just that you've been
married a long time,

so maybe the spark is gone, or--
- What?

- No, no, I mean
maybe you hit a rough patch.

Okay, no, no, Glenn.
That's worse.

Okay, um, you know what?
Don't listen to me.

I don't know what I'm
talking about, you know.

But I do know
I got to get back to sitting.

- Um...okay.

Well, thank you.
- Yeah.

Well, you were absolutely
no help there.

[all talking at once]
- Amy's husband.

Who else?
- I got $20 on the old bitch.

- I got her listed
as "Old Lady,"

but I got you, Myrtle.

- Who else is left?
- Uh, let's see.

We have Unibrow, Unibrow 2,

Short Guy Tall Hair,

and Booklady.

- Oh, I'll take Booklady.

- No, I wanted her.
I hate her.

- I hate her too.
Splitsies.

- Yes.
- All right!

The joy of sport,
bringing people together.

Which temp will quit next?

[water spilling]

- * Don we now
our gay apparel *

- And that's it next to
a golf ball just for scale.

- Oh.
- That polyp is huge, right?

- Glenn said
the weirdest thing to me.

- Okay, I guess
it's Amy time now.

- She does that.
- Yeah.

- He was like,
"I'm surprised you wanted

"Adam to work here,
given 'how things are

in your marriage.'"
[laughs]

- Crazy.
- [laughs]

- Shh.
- I know.

It's crazy.

Right?
- [laughs]

- Shh.
- Ow.

I'm not uncomfortable.

I just keep thinking
of funny things.

Anyways, uh, I--
I'm gonna go.

[laughs]

- I'll come too.
- Sorry. [laughing]

- Oh, no. There's no one
to make an announcement.

Why are there
all these chairs?

Stupid temps.

- Look, the reason
they're all eager to get away

is because they all
agree with Glenn.

- Yeah.
- Yeah.

Good girl talk.

- Hey.

I was just opening up
some shampoo boxes,

and I think I extended
my box cutter too much.

So it's kind of a mess.
Who do I call to clean that up?

- You. You call you.

- Okay.

Well, sorry I don't know
how everything works here,

considering I just started,
and the--

I mean, I-I haven't even been
trained on the box cutter, so--

What was that for?
- Nothing.

Just felt like kissing you.

- Oh, I guess I should
start using this shampoo, huh?

[both laugh]

- [laughs loudly]

That's--you're so funny.
- [laughs]

[with robotic voice]
I am from the future.

- [laughs loudly]

- I am Shampoo Man.
I'm coming to get you.

I...
- Okay.

I don't get it,
but it's great.

- It's a shampoo--
he's a Shampoo Man.

- Love you.

- Shampoo Man!

- Oh, well, that looks
like absolute crap.

- Hey. Hey.
- Yeah?

- How's it going?
- Not good.

- Listen, so, um,

I'm not supposed
to tell you this,

but it's actually after 3:00,

so if you quit now, they got
to pay you for a full day.

- Okay.
- Huh?

- Yeah, thanks, but, uh,
I need to stop

quitting everything
just because it's hard.

- Right, right, right.

But you--you said
you were gonna quit,

so now--now is the time.

- Whatever.
- No, no, no, no!

Not whatever.
Not whatever!

No, you--you made a promise,

and, uh, I personally
would rather

be a quitter
than a liar, so...

Maybe I'm just crazy.

- [chuckles] Maybe.

- Hey.

- [with British accent]
My name's Jonah.

I couldn't possibly wager
on people quitting their jobs.

- Well, you started it, so--

- [with normal voice]
No, what I started

was a simple wager
where no one got hurt.

You were trying
to make him quit,

which is so much more awesome.

I wish I would have
thought of it sooner.

I wasted a lot of good years.

- So the bet's still on?

- It's on like Kublai Khan.

- You have to be ready
for anything

because the questions are gonna
be coming fast and furious.

Like, "How can you
deliver presents

to billions of children
in one night?"

Santa One.
- Elves.

- Elves? No.
Elves make the presents.

By Christmas, their job's done.
- Whoo! Whoo!

Hi, Glenn! He's a horse!

- I'm a horse!
- Go! Go!

- Okay, uh, let's talk about
dealing with the Jewish kids.

- Hey, man, what you into?

What do you love?
What do you hate?

Let's do hate first.

- Uh, I hate war.

- Ooh, well, that's
a bold stance.

How about more like--
how about this place?

What's the worst part
about working here?

- I guess not seeing
my son all day.

- That'll work.

[RUN-DMC's
"Christmas in Hollis"]

*

- Mm, hey, white girl.

You looking real good today.

[blubbers]

- I want this whole floor
sparkling.

- The floor?
You mean the ground?

- Heck yeah, I do.

Or if you don't like it,

you're also welcome to quit.

*

You're actually doing it.

Wow.

- I just got
sexually harassed.

- Oh, my gosh.
I'm so sorry.

I really hope you're okay.

Because you feel great.
- Okay.

*

[shoes squeaking]

- Come in, come in, quick.

- Oh, oh, I remember this place.

Yeah, remember we used to--

Whoa, whoa.

What's making you so hot
and heavy all of a sudden?

- It's not all of a sudden.

You just look really cute
in this vest.

Ow. Ow!
- What?

What's wrong? What's wrong?
- What--something's--

It's stabbing me in the back.
- Okay.

Oh, I think I found it.

- You know what?
That's my hand. Let me do it.

- Oh, yeah.
- Okay.

- Hey, I thought
you guys didn't have

a large-format printer.

- Yeah, I guess we have
a large-format printer.

Found it.
- All right.

- Metal thing.
- 'Cause when I need

to print out banners
for my travel agency,

you said you didn't
have one, so...

- Who cares?
- I care.

We didn't have banners,
and my business failed.

- No, Adam,
your business failed

because nobody uses
travel agencies anymore

due to a little thing
called the Internet.

- Oh, here we go with
the Internet again, huh?

- Yeah, because it exists.

Look, do you want to fight
about this printer,

or do you want to have sex?

- I mean, I want--yeah, sex.

- Okay, so shut up.
- Okay, yeah.

- This next song is very
near and dear to my heart

because it reminds me
of my father.

- * My child arrived
just the other day *

* He came to the world
in the usual way *

- You should be ashamed
of yourself.

- You started it.
I'm just finishing it.

- Oh, I don't know about that.

All it's gonna take
is for this tower to fall over

and my guy's walking
out the door.

- Looks pretty steady to me.

- No, no, that thing
is way too narrow.

Come on, baby.

Come on, baby,
come on, come on.

Give it to Daddy.
Give it to Daddy.

Give Daddy what he wants!
Give it to Daddy!

Give Daddy that sugar.

- * "When you coming home,
Dad?" *

- Yeah! Yes!

- Oh, [bleep] you,
you [bleep] [bleep]hole.

- Come on, baby.

- I quit, all right?

- Yes! Yes.
- I quit.

- Come on, baby, yeah!

Told you, I get carried away
when I gamble.

You should have seen me
last time.

- What happened last time?

- It was nothing, just a little
online poker thing in college.

I had to sell
my brother's Camry.

It's not a big deal.
- Wait, what?

[can clattering]

[whistle shrills]
- Keep smiling.

- [whistling]

- Is that opera?

- No.
- No?

- You all right, Glenn?
- Mm? Oh.

One of the temporary
workers quit.

- Oh, oh, that's a shame.
- Mm.

- But, you know, it happens
all the time, right?

These guys quit early.
- Yeah, I know. It's--

I'm just disappointed

'cause I hired them from my
church's Last Chances program.

But I guess, you know--
- Wait, wait, wait, wait.

Last Chances?
- Yeah, yeah.

You know, they're sort of
former drug addicts

or kids with criminal records

who can't find work
anywhere else.

So--
[whistle blows]

Come on, Santa Three.
Jesus gave you knees.

Pick them up.

- These poor souls
are just looking for a break

and you turned this
into Thunderdome.

- Yeah, I feel terrible.

I didn't realize
they were Last Chances.

- I did. I thought that was why
we were betting on them.

- Whoo! Is it hot
in here today?

Do I look flushed to you?

- What do you mean by flushed?
Do you mean tired?

Because you always look tired.

- Oh, my back hurts.

That table in the photo lab
is really uncomfortable.

- The photo lab?

- Oops.

Busted!

No, me and Adam--

[imitates springs squeaking]

- Oh.

- Se--sex.

- Yeah, no, we got it.
- Yeah, yeah, mm-hmm.

- For sure.
- Yeah, yeah.

- Yeah, no, loud and clear.

- After careful consideration,

I've decided to go with
the applicant I pretty much

knew I was gonna go with
from the beginning.

Uh, Santa number one.
Congratulations.

- Ho, ho, ho.
[laughs]

Thank you so much.
- Well--

- Oh, uh, what did you
say this pays?

- Pays?
- Yeah, how much is the pay?

- Well, no--no,
you get to be Santa.

- I get to be.

- Yeah, it--it pays

in a thousand smiles.

It pays in the wonder

on a little kid's face.

What--

Well, I guess it's you.

Congratulations, Cody.

You're Santa Claus.

- I'm gonna be
the best [bleep] Santa.

- O-okay.

- [sighs]

Hey!
- Hey. Hi.

- Hey.
- Hi.

- We have
a good marriage, right?

- Uh, yeah.

We just did it at work,

so yeah.

- Yeah.
I think so too.

- Hey! Isaac.
Hey, hey.

Oh, good, I was hoping
I was gonna catch you.

- Yeah, well I can't
go home till 7:00,

or my mom will know
I quit another job.

- I wanted to give you this.

- * Have yourself

* A merry little Christmas

- Really? I-I can't--
- No, please.

It--it belongs in your hands

way more than mine.

- Thank you.

- Merry Christmas.

- * From now on

- You too.

- * Our troubles
will be out of sight *

- Hey, it's me.

How much crystal
can I buy for $200?

Great, I'll see you in an hour,
Uncle Kevin.

- * Have yourself

- Gonna get so [bleep] high.

- * A merry little Christmas