All language subtitles for Superstore.S02E05.WEBRip.x264-IO0_English

.

- Hey!
Kyle the Cloud 9 Cloud here!

And I'm about
to make it rain savings!

[laughs]

15% off all dental products!

You want the tooth?

You can't handle the tooth!

Meatballs with a chance
of clouds?

Give me a break!

A dance break!

[upbeat electronic music]

[dramatic music]

male announcer:
He killed 14 people

and ate the meat
off their bones.

- [groans]

announcer: That's what the FBI
has claimed

about Daniel Hertzler,

better known to millions
as Kyle the Cloud 9 Cloud.

- Damn, when white people go
crazy, they really do it up.

- Yeah, we pretty much still
have the market cornered

on serial killing.

It's one of the last
non-integrated industries.

- Okay, look, this is not
the best in-store viewing.

Amy, could you change it?

- Right.
Got it.

Um...

Oh.
- Oh, no, no.

No, that just made it worse.

- Yeah, thank you, Jonah.

- I'm sorry, Amy,
could you just let me do it?

Do you mind if I try?
Thank you.

male announcer: And purchased
at a Cloud 9 store.

- Oh, no.

announcer: All the victims
were sawed into

evenly portioned pieces

with their genitals preserved
in pickling jars.

- That makes sense.
- Oh.

- We sell pickle jars?

- No, no.
- It's not working.

We're gonna have to
drown this out.

Everybody sing, okay?

Down in the valley
where Ezekiel wept *

Cry, Ezekiel, cry

Come on, what's wrong with you?

Garrett, give me a beat
or something.

Anything.

- [beatboxing]
- Okay.

The finger of the devil
is poking through the foam

all: Cry, Ezekiel, cry
- Cry it out!

- And the slide to hell
goes all the way down

all: Cry, Ezekiel, cry

- Cry it out!

[upbeat music]

- As most of you may have heard,
our company spokesman

has been accused
of some improprieties.

- By improprieties,
you mean killing

and eating people, right?

Or is there a tax evasion thing
going on as well?

- The killing and eating.

I can't speak
to his tax situation.

Anyway, does anybody
have any questions?

- What is the difference between
a zombie and a cannibal?

- Oh, okay, a zombie is undead,

and a cannibal's just, like,
a dude who eats people.

- So I kind of meant
work-related questions.

- But I'm right though?

- He is correct.

- I have
a work-related question.

What security measures are we
taking to avoid revenge crimes?

- Revenge crimes?

- Families of the victims
trying to eat us as payback.

I mean, that's what I would do.

- Okay, let's not rush
to judgment.

These are just allegations.

I'm sure he didn't do it.

- Wait, Glenn?

Why are you so sure
he didn't do it?

- Because, Amy, I met Kyle at a
corporate conference last year.

We had a great conversation.

He seemed like a good guy.

- Well, that settles it.

I guess there's no reason
for a trial.

- I am telling you,
there is no way that good man

could have done
this horrible thing.

Right, Jeff?

- Uh-huh.

[upbeat jazz music]

- You know, this was creepy
even before he murdered people.

- This paint smells
like wet dog,

and it's gonna take at least
three coats to cover this.

This is the worst day ever.

- The worst.

- I mean, obviously,
Kyle the Cloud's victims--

- Yeah.
No, no.

- Had a worse day when he ate
their flesh off their bones.

- Terrible day.
That was a terrible day.

Goes without saying.
Yeah.

- Yeah.

- Although, at least their
suffering is over, you know?

Ours has just begun.

- Is it insensitive
that I'd rather

be in Kyle the Cloud's basement?

- No.

At least you could read
down there.

- And it would be so dark
and cool.

- So dark and cool.

- That would be so nice.

- That's my baby sleeping.

- Oh, cool.
- Aww.

- Sleeping.

- [chuckles]
So cute.

- Sleeping.
- Like a little angel.

- Sleeping.

Oh. Oh, my gosh,
this next one's kind of funny.

Sleeping.
[laughs]

- Okay, guys, guys, guys,
I need everyone's opinion.

Especially you, Garrett,
since your brand is telling it

like it is.

- Oh, thank you for noticing.

- - Did you guys pick up on
any weird tension

between me and Jeff
at that meeting?

'Cause I think he might
be into me.

- [laughing]

Oh, I thought you were joking.

- [softly]
No.

- I am so sorry.

[whispers]
Stop bullying, Sandra.

- Why do you think
he's into you?

- Okay,
the last time he was here,

he came up to me
at the end of the day,

looked me straight in the eyes
and said,

"I noticed you."

- [gasps]

He said, "I noticed you"?

Ooh, Jeff is slutty.

[laughter]

- Okay, it's not what he said,
it's how he said it.

It wasn't like...

[dead-pan]
"I noticed you."

It was like...

[whispering]
"I noticed you."

No, that wasn't it.

It was more like...

[in deep voice]
"I noticed you."

Ah, that sounded Scottish.

male announcer:
Police discovered a secret

dungeon where the actor would
videotape himself

dismembering and devouring
his victims,

often while in cloud costume.

- Oh, God.

- I've said it once,
I'll say it again:

you are a terrible
judge of character.

Also you have a weak chin
and you can't dance.

announcer: Additional items
found on the property

were a coffin filled with hair

and several small bags
of marijuana.

- Wait, they found marijuana?

This is incredible!

- Oh, no!

Get that weak chin off me!

- They found marijuana!

He was high!

- I hate him.

- We definitely need smocks

- Hello, Clarice.

- [screams]

- [chuckles]
- Oh, gross, stop.

- It's crazy how much Kyle stuff
we have to throw away.

Corporate really put their money
on "not a cannibal."

- Oh, God, they used to make us
wear this suit

to hand out flyers.

- Dare you to put it on.

- No.
No, thank you.

- Oh, okay, fine.
No, I get it.

You don't want to put on
the cloud suit

because you've already got
a big chicken suit on

'cause you're a big chicken.

- Oh, my God.

Is that supposed to pressure me
into putting the suit on?

- [groans]

You're right, you're right.

Doing awesome things
is overrated.

Just go back to painting.

- [scoffs]

Well, grab an umbrella

'cause there's a cloud
moving in.

Psssh.

- What does that even mean?

Oh, my God!
You're doing it.

Okay, sorry.
Say your cool line again.

Say it.
- Well, grab--

no, we're past it.

- * Go, go, go, go

* Go, go

[hip-hop music]

- Isn't that terrible?

Today, of all days,
she's dressed like the killer.

Why would she do that?

- [gasps]
- Hi.

- Oh.

- Oh, yeah, that's a good idea.

I wouldn't let my kids
touch that.

- It says on your website
that all your rooms

have Animal Planet.

- Hey there.

I noticed you were on the phone.

- No, it's not life or death,
it's just, you know,

at the end of a hard day,
sometimes you want to come home

and watch some monkeys swinging
around on the trees.

- I'm just gonna come
back later.

- I'm sorry, could you hold on
one second please?

Hey.

There's something
I'd like to ask you,

but I feel
a little weird about it.

- Oh, no.
Please, please.

- Yeah?
- Yep, ask away.

- Somebody vomited
in the ladies room,

multiple stalls.

Would you mind?

- Of course.

- Great, thank you.
Thanks.

I appreciate that.

Hi, yes, while I have you
on the phone,

I wanted to ask you
why the curtains were gone

when I got back last night.

I'd prefer to have them.

- Just louder.
- I'm hungry.

- What is wrong with her?
- [growling]

I'm hungry.
[growling]

- Amy.

What are you wearing that for?

- Be--Jonah--

- Ah, buh, buh, buh, buh.

- I'm dressed in this costume
to show my support

for the cannibal lifestyle.

[growls]

- Oh.

Oh, well, as it turns out,

Kyle was not a cannibal.

He was only killing
and eating people

because he was high
on marijuana.

What?

- It's just that I don't think
that marijuana turns people

into murderers.

- Otherwise we'd literally
be surrounded by killers.

- You don't think people in
this store do marijuana, do you?

- I mean...

- Uh, probably.

- Well, how--how many of them?

- Like...

[device beeps]

Half.

- Half?

Wait, half do, or half don't?

- [stammering]
- It's both.

- [screaming]
Both?

- Okay, so, tummy time
is literally just a baby

spending time on its tummy.

Hmm.

- Wait, she's gonna turn
her head...

now.

Nope, now.

Nope, now.

Nope.
[phone buzzing]

Oh, sorry, guys, bad timing.

Hi, Bo, I was just showing them
the tummy time video.

No, not that one, the good one.

- This has got to stop.

- Thank you.

- She is breaking
an unspoken social contract.

You show one photo.

One.

And we all say it's
the cutest baby we ever seen

even if it's creepy,
which it is,

because it's
a shrunken-down human,

and then we all move on
with our lives.

- I mean, I have a ton
of photos of my dogs,

but no one wants to see those.

Right?

- Right.

- Yeah.

Not even the one where
they're dressed as Ewoks.

- All right, you know
I got to see that.

Okay, come on now.

Oh, no.

- Yeah.
- [laughs]

Little Ewok dog.

You stealing a speeder?

You can't drive a speeder,
Ewok dog.

[upbeat music]

- Hey, Cody.

- Hey.

- Hey.
Just ignore me.

[sniffing]

Just wanted to tell you
I value you.

[chuckles]

- Thank you.

I appreciate that.

I'm going to go over there,
okay?

- [sniffing]

- If you're smelling the
workers, you gotta smell Elias.

On Thursdays he smells like ham.

It's hilarious.

- Dina, do you think that
marijuana could've had anything

to do with what Kyle did?

- That's just about
the stupidest thing

you've ever said.

- [sighs]
Fine.

I'm just wondering
if I have to start

drug testing the employees.

- But you always say that
you don't want to do that.

- I know, but if the alternative
is someone in this store

getting eaten.

- Oh, wow.
Ooh.

Well, to be safe, I mean,
I could do a surprise

comprehensive drug test,
but that's your call.

I mean, I could go either way.

Do it, don't do it.

I mean, if I had to decide,
I guess I'm leaning towards

do it.

- Yes.
Okay.

Go for it.

- It's up to you.

[chuckles]

[laughs]

*

I'm coming for you, Tommy Chong.

I'm coming for you.

- How much longer do I have?

- Three minutes.

You can just give up.

- Nope!

I take not being a chicken
very seriously.

I'm doing a dare.

I'm winning.

- The test will detect any drugs
in your system.

We're talking marijuana,
cocaine, heroin,

methamphetamines.

- What about power pellets?

- I don't see that.
What are they?

- Oh, you just take
some big boppers,

you cut in some fetty wap,
you put a little disco shake

on there, and then you roll that
up in some Doc McStuffins.

Smoke it.

Get real high.

- All right, we're gonna be
testing for everything, okay?

- Excuse me, I just remembered
I have to leave early.

I have a thing at the place.
- What place?

- That place. You know, the one
we talked about earlier.

- You talked to me about it?

- Yeah, I filled out
an application and Brett saw it,

he said it's cool, so...

- You spoke to Brett about it?

Okay, nobody is leaving until
I get three ounces of yellow,

all right?

[all groan]

- Okay, look, everyone, Dina has
my full support on this.

Okay, this is
for your protection.

- Look, people, if you haven't
done any drugs

in the last 72 hours,
you have nothing to worry about.

- What about way too much wine?

I'm so bad.
[laughs]

- Justine,
you're not an alcoholic.

Stop bragging.

- Attention Cloud 9 shoppers:

we hope you're having
a lovely day.

If you have any questions
or concerns,

please find our lead salesman,
Charles.

- Is there anything
we should know about him?

- [sighs]
He is in charge.

Charles in charge

Of our days

And our nights

Charles in charge

Of our wrongs

And our rights

And I sing

I want

I want Charles in charge

Of me

[sighs]

[singing in Spanish]

- Hey, Mateo.
- Hey.

- Hi.

Do you think I could
have your number?

- My number?

[clears throat]

Sure, you can have my number.

It's 314...
- Mm-hmm.

- 982.
- Got it.

Employee number 314982 is
getting a letter of commendation

in his file.

- Oh.

- For cleaning up the vomit.

- Yeah.

- You are a good vomit mopper.

- Damn.

It is getting steamy in here.

- [sighs]

- I'm just saying,
usually one person dares

and then the other person
has to do it.

You--you understand that, right?

- Yep, I get it.

I just don't want you
to have all the fun.

- Oh, listen, if you want to do
this thing alone, by all means.

- Nope.
- I have no problem--

- All right, hold on.

[both yelling]

- Sorry!
Sorry!

Move out of the way!

- Hands up!
- Okay, okay!

- [yelling]

[laughs]

- [clears throat]

- Hey, guys.

- Hey, Jeff.
- Hi, Jeff.

- What are you doing?

- Product testing.

- Product testing.

- Okay.

- Bye, Jeff.

- [laughs]

[whispering]
That was awesome.

- Yep.
One more time?

- Yeah.
- How do we get back there?

- Let's--I don't know.

Shimmy over?
- [grunts]

- Yes, yes, we're get--
we're doing it.

- Is it moving?
- We're getting it.

- Hey, how's it going?
- Great.

We get the results tomorrow and
I'll call everyone who's fired.

Actually, I'll just call those
who aren't fired.

It'll save me some time.

- No, I don't want to
start firing people.

Okay, look, maybe we shouldn't
be doing this.

[liquid sloshing]

- Look, I get it.

You love these people.

I do too, but we told them there
would be a urine test,

so we have to follow through on
this or they won't respect us.

- I--I don't believe
that's true.

- It is true.

They'll think we're weak
and they'll think we're liars.

Is that who we are?

Huh?

Are we weak liars?

- No, we're strong
truth tellers.

- Heck yeah we are.
Pep up.

The lab comes at 5:00.

You know that's human urine,
right?

- When she's hungry,
it's like...

[low-pitched wail]

But when she's tired,
it's like...

[low-pitched wail]

And when she's--

- Just shut up about the baby!

- Oh.

Um, okay.

- What?

- What, was I talking too much
about the baby?

I can stop.

- Oh.

- Great.
Well, thank you.

I mean, it's not that we don't
want to hear about your baby,

it's just that it's been a lot.

- No, I understand.

It's like you
with your sneakers.

- What you mean?

- Oh, you know,
how you're always like,

"Oh, yeah, I just ordered
my pair of retro Jordans

that are coming in two days."

- "You can only get these kicks
in Japan."

[both laugh]

- Wow.

Really seeing everybody's
true colors today.

[both laugh]

Real cool.

[both laughing]

- [speaks indistinctly]

- Well, I'm taking off.

- All right, have a good night.

- I gotta stop by
the hotel first.

I guess there was some kind of
a rodent/bedbug fire.

So that's--

and after that, though, I was
gonna hit the new Italian place.

Are you busy?

- Nope.

Oh, let me guess, you want me
to clean up that dead pigeon

in aisle six?

- No, I was just wondering
if you wanted to get dinner.

- You mean, like,
pick it up for you?

- No, I mean, like,
take you out to dinner

to the Italian place
that I just mentioned.

Have you never been asked out
on a date before?

- You're asking me out
on a date?

- Uh-huh.

- [laughs]
I knew it!

Oh, I thought,
but then Garrett--

[clears throat]

Ha!
I knew it.

- So is that a yes?

- Oh.

I haven't even
really thought about that.

I usually don't date white guys,
but you know what?

Sure, why not?

- Great.

- Oh, my God,
I cannot wait to tell Garrett

that I was right about this.

I'm gonna rub it
in his stupid face.

- Well, you see, this is where
it gets a little touchy.

Just as a manager, I shouldn't
really be dating any employees,

so we would have to keep this
between us

if that's okay.

- Yeah.

You're the boss.

I should really get on
that dead pigeon.

- Yes,
I didn't want to ask

'cause I didn't want
to ruin the moment.

- Hey, Glenn.
- Mm.

- What's going on?

- Oh, I'm just having a bad day.

- You want to talk about it?

I'm happy to be your blender.

- My blender?

- Yeah, you know, like,
you give me your thoughts

and your feelings, and I'll mix
'em up and give you back

something real good.

- Okay, I'm not sure I made
the right decision

about this whole
drug testing thing.

- Yeah, it's a bit extreme.

Sort of like a--it's like
a watermelon-sized reaction.

- Watermelon.
- Yeah.

- It's just,
I was so wrong about Kyle.

It makes me question how much
I really know the people

around here.

- Sure, you don't know
everything about everyone,

but you know
the important stuff.

Like, you know that Garrett
is a can of soup.

You know,
he's hard on the outside,

but warm and soft
on the inside.

- He is a can of soup.

- Yeah.

And Cheyenne is--
Cheyenne's a yoga mat.

She's colorful and she's fun,

and--then also
she's, like, a little thick.

- Yeah.
Ah.

- Yeah, yeah.

And--and Jonah
is an alarm clock.

He's just, like,
so annoying in the morning.

- So annoying.

- Yeah, you just kinda wanna--

[both groan]

- I'd like to throw him
at the wall some days.

- Right?

And you're the golf club.
You know?

You're--you're the one that--

you're the one that--

[sighs]

- That drives the worker balls

soaring towards
their full potential.

- Yes.
- Yeah!

- Exactly.

- Thank you, Amy.

You've really got a way
with words.

- Thank you.

- Now, if you'll excuse me,
I'm gonna go tee off on someone.

- [clapping]

- [vocalizing]

- Dina, cancel the tests.

The golf club is here.

- What are you talking about?

- I'll tell you
what I'm talking about.

We...
- Whoa, whoa!

- Don't...

need...

these...

anymore.

- My coffee cup's in there.

- Yes, it is.

- [sighs]

Okay, Amy.

Hey.

How's it going?

Good to see you.
Good afternoon.

It is cold in here, isn't it?

They crank that A/C up.

I need a drink myself.

Hi.

Good afternoon.

Hey.

Be careful what you wish for

'cause you just might a-get it.

[laughs]

- Oh, hey, man.

- Oh, hey, Adam.

What--how's it--what's--
what's going on, man?

- Adam just came to pick me up.

- Yeah, me too.

I mean, I'm going as well.

It's the end of the day.

I'm tired myself.

Yeah, I get it.

I was just--just coming
to say good-bye.

I'll catch you on the flip side,
all right, bro?

It's good to see you.

- Okay.

- So...

what was that about?

- Um...

nothing.

He's just weird.

- Oh, we should set him up
with your brother.