All language subtitles for Superstore.S01E06.WEBRip.x264-ION10_English

.

- Excuse me, could you tell me
where I can find the--

- Ah.
I'm on the phone.

- I've been waiting for help
for, like, 20 minutes.

- I've been on hold for 40.

But when the Chili Peppers
come to town,

you do what it takes.

- Is there a manager
I could speak with?

- Yeah, obstructed view
is fine.

Whatever it takes
to see the Peppers.

- What you watching?
Stuff?

- Corporate sent
a secret shopper

to the Richmond Heights store.

It did not go well.
- I think the screen froze.

- Nah, he just stays like that
for another 20 minutes.

- Sir, excuse me.

- I heard the Maplewood Commons
got a secret shopper too.

- Yeah,
they cleaned house after.

Fired everyone.

- Even the manager?

- Especially the manager.

- [gasps]
How do you get especially fired?

- Kirkwood got a secret shopper,
but they did well.

All the associates
got raises.

- Like money?
- No.

Like they were lifted
up into the air

and waved around--
yeah, money.

- I wonder if
they'll send one here.

- A secret shopper?
[scoffs]

I'd know.

I can always sniff out
a fake.

The only way a secret shopper's
getting past me

is if he doesn't even know
he's a secret shopper.

Like Harrison Ford
in "Blade Runner."

- I'm gonna say this
one more time.

Deckard was not
a replicant.

- Then explain
the friggin' unicorn!

- Director's Cut
doesn't count!

- I can't listen to

the "Blade Runner" debate
one more time.

- I would love for them
to send a secret shopper.

But then again,
I got a 93

on my last
corporate policy test,

so nothing but net.

- Mateo, those scores
don't mean anything.

- I don't know.
93 is pretty impressive.

I got 100.
- [scoffs]

Really?

- Well, that was a hurtfully
exaggerated "really."

- No, I'm sorry.
I didn't mean it to sound bad.

I just meant, you're not
very good at your job.

- Oh, okay.
Well, thank you.

- Okay, guys,
nothing else matters

but this secret shopper,
okay?

We need a plan.

I know.

What if we treated
every customer

like they were
the secret shopper?

- Nah,
that's never gonna work.

- Yeah, it's a terrible idea.

[upbeat music]

*

- This has got to be
the lamest thing

anyone has ever been
cocky about.

- I know.
It's so embarrassing.

I told them not to
put that up there,

but I guess they felt
they had to honor me somehow.

- You know you're just asking
someone to draw a penis

on your face, right?

- This must be
really bittersweet for you,

being surpassed
by your protégé.

But now is no longer
the time of Amy.

No, now is the time
of Ace.

- Oh, Ace? Wow.

- Ace.
They're calling me Ace now.

- Strong words
from a guy who led

a flock of ducks
into the store.

- My pocket was ripped.

I didn't know
I was trailing crackers.

- Why are you even
walking around

with crackers
in your pocket?

- Because they don't have
the kind I like here.

- All right,
Marcus is in court today

testifying against
his grandmother,

so I need you to help zone
Clearance

and then stock charcoal
in Patio.

- Charcoal doesn't go
in Patio anymore.

It goes in Grocery.

I got that answer right
on the test.

I know that because I got

every answer right
on the test.

- This is supposed to be
one of the last

warm weekends of the year.

Do you know
what people like to do

when the weather is nice?

- Eat soft-shell crab.

- Grill, and our customers
are used to finding charcoal

for their grills in Patio.

So unless we want to spend the
next few weeks being MapQuest,

we'll make the switch
after grilling season.

- Yeah, but with all
the secret shopper stuff,

shouldn't we just be
doing things by the book?

- I know how to do my job.

I'm not gonna live in fear
of some corporate spy.

- Follow-up question:

You don't still use
MapQuest, do you?

- It's very intuitive.

[motor whirring]

- * When you hear the call

* You got to get it
under way *

* Word up

[engine whining and puttering]

[suspenseful music]

- First time in our store?
- [gasps]

Oh, no.
I've been here before.

- Really?

Because I have
a pretty good memory for faces,

right there...
[clicks tongue]

In my brain.
- [chuckles]

Well, you must
have forgotten mine.

[laughter]
- Yeah, I don't think so.

It's very
distinctive looking.

- [clears throat]

- But maybe it was
my mistake.

Guess you're just
a regular customer

doing some regular
pet food shopping.

Say, what type of pet
do you have?

- It's a dog.
- What kind?

- Cockapoo--
- How old?

- Four--
- Gender?

- Girl.
- Well...

Looks like you've got
an answer for everything.

So I'll just leave you
to your shopping.

[chuckles]
Oh!

I almost forgot to ask.

What's your cat's name?

- It's a dog.

- Sure it is.

- Where would I find
men's hats?

- [exhales deeply]

All right, you're gonna want
to go to aisle 16,

and then straight, uh...
oh.

Uh, who's this hat for?
A boyfriend?

- No.
No boyfriend.

It's for my dad.
- Tight, tight.

Well, I could take you
over there personally.

And if you'd like, I could model
some of the options for you.

You know, they say my head
looks amazing in hats.

- [chuckles]
All right.

- Yeah, that was
cute and funny.

Uh, let me tell you
about myself--

- Did I hear you ask
about men's hats?

I can help you with that.

- Uh, I got this, man.

- Okay,
just thought I'd ask,

since I've personally tested
every hat we sell,

and Garrett is
a sexual predator.

- What?
- Excuse me?

- Yeah, that's why
his nickname is "The Rapist."

Unconvicted,
but we all know.

Anyway,
are we thinking Panama hat?

Trilby?
Tricorn?

- You know what?
I'm good.

- Okay, well,
remember to ask for Mateo.

He'll make your day-o!

- What the [bleep] was that?

- I don't know. I thought
she was the secret shopper.

- So?
- There are raises on the line.

So sorry, not sorry.
I'm not here to make friends.

- [scoffs]
Fine, whatever.

I just hope for your sake,

the secret shopper
isn't one of us.

- Wh--wait, wait.
What does that mean?

- Pssh. I ain't even
gonna tell you.

- No, no.
You can tell me.

- Well,
at the Penrose store,

the corporate plant
was an employee.

And when he was done,
everyone who was a dick to him

got fired.

But, hey,
that's why I always

try to be nice
to all my coworkers,

but I'm just kind of
one of those guys

that likes to keep his job,
so...

[clicks tongue]
Good luck.

- Thank--thank you.

- [chuckles softly]

- * My life,
my heart, my home *

* I would give everything
I own *

- Well, no one's panicking.
That's a good sign.

We all just need to stay cool
about this, right?

I mean, I'm being cool.

- You know that's not
a stress ball, right?

It's a lemon.
- Let me have my process.

- Am I imagining things,

or did I ask you
to stock the charcoal in Patio?

- Glenn told me--
- Jonah reminded me

that charcoal is supposed
to be in Grocery now.

- Mm.

- We don't want to make
any mistakes,

not with a secret shopper
in our mist.

Wait, is it mist or midst?

Which one were the gorillas
in again?

- Jonah?

- Mist.

- So, um, you went
over my head to Glenn?

- Well, no, it just sort of
came up in conversation--

- Well, thank God he did.

You know, you could stand
to learn something

from Mr. 100 here.

That's a nickname
that we came up with.

- He came up with.
- Yeah.

I could think of
a nickname for you too,

but you haven't done anything
really impressive lately.

How about
Little Miss "On Time"?

Dr. Cool?

Workules?

- How about just Amy?

Floor supervisor.

- Boring.
Wait.

.

- Hey.

Here you are.

- Olives?

- It's the closest thing
I could find to an olive branch.

- Thanks.

Uh, so I guess now
I restock these--

- No, no, no, I'll do it.
I'll--I'll--

- Excuse me.
Where can I find the charcoal?

- Grocery.

- Look, I'm sorry for
going over your head like that.

And I know what
you're thinking.

I wouldn't have done that
if you were a man.

- Nope.
Wasn't thinking that.

- Oh, good.
- It's fine.

Just, next time,
come to me first

before you go to Glenn,
all right?

- Got it, got it.

Although,
I did come to you first.

- Yeah, so next time,
do a better job of it.

- Better job.
- Yeah.

- Copy that.

How?

- Hey, uh,
are we sold out of charcoal?

both: Grocery.
- Hmm.

Where are tampons?
Electronics?

- No, they're where tampons
normally are.

- Okay.

- How about you hang
these nifty signs

and then grab a mop?

Because I don't think
that raccoon ever left us.

- Will do,
uh, so--so real quick,

and I hate to even
mention this,

but I think there's, like,
a store policy

against hanging flyers.

- Yeah, I'm not, like,
looking for a new bassist

for my punk band;
I think this is fine.

- Right, right,
of course.

But there really is
a policy.

- Yeah,
you just said that.

- But I'm now trying to do
a better job of saying it.

[suspenseful music]

- Condolence cards, huh?

Bummer.
Who died?

- Uh, a friend of mine.

Hmm.
You don't look very upset.

Probably not that good
a friend.

Can I see
a death certificate?

- I-I don't think I need
a death certificate

just to buy a card.

- Well, well, well.

Look who knows a lot
about Cloud 9 store policies.

What was your friend's name?

- I don't understand--
- How did he die?

What did he love?
What kind of music was he into?

Billy Joel?
Everybody's into Billy Joel.

Was he a vegetarian
or normal?

The kind of guy you trust
with a lot of money or--

- Enough, all right?

I see what you're doing,
and you're right.

By the end, I didn't really
know him anymore.

May--maybe I never
really knew him.

The point is,
I wasn't there for him

when he needed me the most.

- Hmm.

Funny.
You don't look Jewish.

[suspenseful music]

- Mateo.

What you doing in here?

- I'm investigating.

What if there is no
secret shopper?

You ever think
that corporate is spying on us

with a secret employee?

- Well, no, but now
that's all I can think about.

- You notice how Jonah

never talks about what
he was doing before this job?

- Well, sure, but I just figured
he was a criminal.

You'd be surprised how many
of our employees have been.

- I mean, I've always wondered
why an educated,

privileged pretty boy
would decide to work here.

And then I noticed Jonah's car
has Illinois plates.

- Oh.

- Do you know what else
is in Illinois?

- Oh, soybeans.

- Cloud 9 headquarters.

- Oh!

- I mean, now it makes sense
how he beat my score

on that test;
he probably wrote the test.

- Okay.
Let's keep this under our hats.

I don't want anyone to start
acting weird around him.

[chuckles]

Jonah, do you know why
I called you in here?

- Uh, no.

Am I in trouble?

- [nervous chuckling]
As if.

- [chuckles]

- Why?
Am I in trouble?

- Um, I-I don't think so.

- Whew.
That's a relief.

- Yeah.
- So, um...

I'm just gonna come out
and say it.

You know,
I think I deserve a raise.

- Absolutely.
- Really?

- Yeah.
A big one.

- Would you be willing
to tell people about that?

- [stammers]
Am I? Sure, yeah.

I'll definitely--I'll tell
whoever you want, yeah.

- Oh, my God.

I-I don't know--

you--you--

I'm so glad
we had this conversation.

Yeah.

I keep a tin
of candies in here

for special occasions.

They are wickedly sour.

- * I think we're alone now

* There doesn't seem
to be... *

- What?
Didn't he...

- Just like a regular Joe,
huh?

You're gonna have to do
better than that.

Uh-huh. Uh-huh.

- I think I got that--

- Let's talk about
why you need

each of those items
in that basket.

- Excuse me, Dina?
Have you seen Jonah?

- Last time I saw
that little piece,

he was talking to Glenn
in his office.

[sniffs]

God, you smell like
you're from Chicago.

- Will Jonah please report
to Patio immediately?

I repeat...

Jonah to Patio...

- One second.

- Immediately!

- Okay.
I'm on my way.

- Make sure
that you actually are.

- I just said I am.

- Yes, but sometimes you say
you're going to do things,

and then you don't.

- Why don't we have this
discussion in person?

- Given that you just started
working here...

- What is going on?

- Maybe you shouldn't tell me
how to do my job.

- Or maybe you should leave
the intercom open

for more important
announcements.

- No, you guys go wild.
I never want this to end.

- I am your supervisor.

Don't think you know this job
better than me

just because you did well
on some stupid test.

- The test doesn't make me
think I know better.

The test is empirical proof
that I do know better.

- Attention,
Cloud 9 shoppers.

Dildos are on sale for 69 cents
in aisle 69.

- Hey, bozo,
we're using the intercom!

Get off!

- Why don't you take
your own advice?

- Baba Booey, Baba Booey!

Howard Stern for president!

- Hey, I need that!

- Penis, penis, penis!
Karen Figoletto is a skank!

- Actually, kid,
that's a lot more insightful

than anything Jonah's
got to say today.

- Our manager seems to think
I'm very insightful.

- Yes, that's because

you're a little ass-kissing
[bleep]face.

- Oh...

.

- I don't understand
what's gotten into you.

You're just lucky
that Jonah doesn't take

these kinds of things
personally.

- Jonah?

- Do you know
what he said to me

when I asked him
if he was going to fire you?

He said,
"I can't do that."

- 'Cause he can't.

I'm his boss.

- Oh, right.

You are saying something
that is true to you.

[phone vibrating]
Oh, sorry.

Yeah?
Sweetie, great news.

I'm getting a raise!

There'll be money
for the houseboat

and for your mom's
surgery.

- Hey, Glenn?
- Hmm?

- Can I get back to work?
- Yeah.

Just play nice
with Jonah.

Unless you want to spend
the rest of your day

doing backbreaking work
in the stockroom.

- [slow clapping]

Very convincing.

- What do you mean,
dear?

- What I mean, "dear,"

is, if you'd just
stayed in Pharmacy,

I wouldn't have
batted an eye.

But no one your age is throwing
their money away on a new bed.

I mean, let's be honest.

How many years of sleeping
do you even have left?

- I don't know
what's happening here.

- I'll tell you
what's happening.

Your cover's been blown,
sweetheart.

Hello, Chicago.

I'm not stupid.
[chuckles]

- Oh.

Hey, so, uh...

Things got a little
out of hand back there.

- Yeah.

Is this your way
of apologizing?

- No,
that was me giving you

the chance to apologize
to me.

- Oh.

Okay, thank you.

Um, is there anything else
I can help you with?

- We're out of
Nosey the Anteater.

It's a plush toy--
- Yeah, I know who Nosey is.

I'll get him.

- Do you, um--
do you need a hand--

- No, no. No.
No, thank you.

I know how to operate
a forklift.

It's just been a while,

and I don't remember
there being so many levers.

Why are they always
improving things?

- Are you sure you don't
want any help?

Because I've been studying
the manual for my certification.

- Oh, that's great,
but, you know,

sometimes you can memorize
a textbook for something

and still not know how to do it
in real life, so...

- Okay.
Have at it.

[mechanical grinding]

[beep]

- [shrieks]

Oh!

[objects crashing
and clattering]

Okay, Ace,
why don't you give it a shot?

- [muttering]
- Garrett, what up?

Have you seen Jonah?

I got some meatballs

from that place he always calls
"an unassuming gem."

- Why are you getting
meatballs for Jonah?

- Because Jonah
is a secret employee.

- What?

No.
[imitates exploding]

Bad news, though.
Jonah hates meatballs.

- What?
- Doesn't like 'em.

You know what he does like?

He likes cakes

from that bakery
down on Birch.

- The one you're always
talking about?

- Mm-hmm, yeah.
That same one.

Jonah likes it too.
Jonah likes it too.

- Okay.

- He loves the cakes
with coconut on them.

- Okay, coconut cake,
bakery on Birch.

- None of that
white chocolate stuff.

- Got it, I'm on it.
- That's what I'm talking about.

You're a secret shopper,
aren't you?

That's cool.
I won't tell.

- Maybe this does something...

[machinery grinding]
- Um...

- No. No.
- I don't think that's it.

- Okay, okay.
- Turn it off.

- Sorry, not this!
- Turn it off!

- Okay!

Okay, your turn.

[thumping hip-hop music]

Stop! Stop!

Stop!
- Oh!

- * Let the boys be boys

- The printers are
right underneath--

They're crushing the--
- Oh, okay, okay.

[both grunting]

Cool?
- No, not cool!

[both straining]

- I'm spinning!

- Okay, all right.

*

Turn--I'm not
touching anything!

It's just going!
- Stop turning.

Like this?
- God, oh, God.

- Amy!

*

- * Let the boys be boys

- Yes!

It's all coming back to me.

It's like riding
a four-ton bicycle.

[beeping]

You hear that?

That's the sound
of victory.

- No, no, no, no!
You have to raise--

[crashing]

- [screams]

Wah!

Oh!

.

*

- * My life is not complete,
I never see you smile *

- * Try, try, try,
let it ride *

*

- So is there anything
you want to talk about?

Or should we just continue
to destroy the stockroom?

- Look, I haven't
told anyone here this

because it would be
really embarrassing

if it didn't work out,

but I've started taking
college courses.

- Well, that's--

- If anything
you're about to say

includes the words
"brave," "courageous,"

or "girl power,"
please don't talk.

So it was a little annoying

when you started rubbing
that stupid test in my face

as if it meant you were smarter
than me or something.

- I don't think
I'm smarter than you.

- I know you're not
smarter than me.

That's what's so annoying.

You're just
one of those guys

that things seem
to work out for.

- I flunked out of
business school...

[chuckles]
In Chicago.

I didn't want
to be there anyway.

It was stupid.

I was just 28 and trying
to figure out

what I wanted to do
with my life.

And apparently what I wanted
to do with my life

was rack up
a whole bunch of debt.

- So what'd you do?

- I took a long drive.

And then I wanted a snack,

and so I stopped at this
random store in St. Louis

and saw they were hiring,
and...

- Wow.
- [chuckles]

You know,
if you weren't my boss,

I would say we should just
get up and walk away

like we didn't know
any of this happened.

- [scoffs]
Yeah, right.

Although,
these bolts are pretty rusty.

They could have totally
fallen by themselves.

- You are preaching
to the choir.

- Um, Jonah?
Jonah.

Jonah!

[engine whirring]

- Oh! Get out of the way!
Get out of the way!

- [shouting]

- [whimpering]

- Oh!

- [laughing]

Hey, all things considered,

I think you handled that
pretty well.

- I got to hand it to that guy.
He's good.

I wouldn't be surprised
if he had CIA training.

Spent a little time
at The Farm.

- You know they just sent
the same guy

they did last time,
right?

- So what does this mean
for us?

- Well, luckily,
we still scored pretty well

compared to Richmond Heights.

Turns out they had a meth lab
in their basement,

which, turns out,
was just a front

for a dog fighting ring.

[all murmuring]
- Shh, shh, shh, shh.

This is my favorite part.

- What?
What's wrong with you?

- I know a camera
when I see a camera.

Come on!
- You're crazy.

[grunting]

- Man, the camera loves me.