All language subtitles for Superstore.S01E05.WEBRip.x264-ION10_English

.

[upbeat music]

*

- Whoop-whoop!

- What are you doing?
He's so peaceful.

Just let him be.

- Man, if I got to be awake,
he got to be awake.

[shouts]
Yo! Old white dude!

Black people taking over!

Ooh.
That usually wakes 'em up.

He's not...
- No, he couldn't be.

Hey.

Hey, pop-pop.
Hey--ah!

- Oh, Jonah touched a dead guy!
Jonah touched a dead guy!

[upbeat music]

*

- Well, we can likely
rule out foul play.

According to his license,
he was 87.

Probably died of old age.

- My great-grandma died
the same way.

Her mom too.
Bad genes, I guess.

- So, she just kept
the dead man's wallet,

and we're all okay with that?

- Finders keepers.

- Anyway, uh, I thought
we should all gather

as a group in sort of
a safe space

so that we can share any
feelings that we have

about what happened.

Um, is anyone feeling
any sadness?

Or shock?

Or guilt?

There are no wrong answers.

Yes, Garrett.

- I guess apathy.

I don't got any feelings
about this dude.

- Okay, uh, Garrett,
thank you for sharing.

Um, is anyone else feeling
feelings of apathy?

Okay, well, that's valid.

That's va--no, it's not valid!
You know what?

No one is leaving this room
until I see someone

express some real G-D emotion!

- Uh, well, perhaps
seeing a dead person today

made us all realize how fragile
the journey of life really is.

- Thank you.

A little cliché,
but points for effort.

All right, um,
why don't we just all

bow our heads--
- No religion in the workplace.

- Okay, a moment of silence.
- Nope.

Not if you're
thinking about God.

- Okay, Amy, could you come and
say a few secular words?

- Um...

Charles, uh,
wasn't just a man

who needed corrective lenses,

he was also
not an organ donor.

And, um, in conclusion,
he lived on Oak Street.

- Thank you.

- [sighs] So tragic.

What's gonna happen
to the couch?

- What? The couch?

- It was the fanciest one
in the store.

- He died on the fancy couch?

Does that mean
it's gonna be on sale?

- We don't have to tell anyone
somebody died on it.

- Not disclosing
someone died on it is lying.

I'm a man of truth, Dina.

Maybe lying's your thing.

- Oh, you like truth, huh?
- Yeah.

- How 'bout this truth:

you have the hands
of a middle-aged woman.

- You want to play
the truth game?

- Sure.
- Fine.

Your podcast is a mess.
- [Dina gasps]

- Yeah, no one wants to hear
your rambling.

Just get to the interview.

[rock music]

*

- You're loading that wrong.

- Oh, um,
thank you, little girl,

but I think I know
what I'm doing.

[grunts]

There we go.

Just got to use a little muscle.

- Can I have one?
- Sure.

And I don't know if you--

- Emma, there you are.
I told--

You loaded it wrong?

- Wait a minute.
That's your daughter!

- Shh! We're not allowed
to bring our kids to work.

- Oh.

- My sitter cancelled,
and she's hanging out

for a couple hours, but can
you please not tell Glenn or...

- Shh.
- Dina.

- No, no, no, no,
your secret is safe with me.

I'm not telling anybody.
Hi, I'm Jonah.

- Yeah, I figured.
You're right, he is incompetent.

- You told her
I was incompetent?

Ba-na-na-na.
Talk about me at home?

- [sighs]

- I don't know if I should be
flattered or insulted.

- Don't be flattered.

- [whispers]
Hey, Garrett.

I've got a shoplifter
in my crosshairs.

- Hmm, I've taken
four breaks today,

so I guess we both got
stuff to brag about.

[sneaky music]

*

[baby cries]
- My baby!

- Gotcha,
you gorgeous piece of garbage.

- Did you get to the part where
he finds--

- [whines]

- Well hurry up,
I want to talk about it.

- Amy, can I see you
for a minute?

- Um, wait, I have to watch
the jewelry counter.

- Jonah?
Watch jewelry, will you?

- Sure.
- Um, no.

I don't think, um,
Jonah has very much experience

with...jewelry.

- I don't have
any jewelry of my own,

but my brothers
have some jewelry

that I've played with.

- Amy.

- Um...yeah. Okay.
Uh...

Well, I'll be right back.
Don't go anywhere.

Stay here, and, uh,
whatever you do,

don't bring attention
to the jewelry.

- Trust me, no one will know
the jewelry is here.

- There is so much
I don't understand about sales.

- Hiya.

So what else did Mom
say about me?

Aside from the general
incompetence.

- I have to go
to the bathroom.

- Oh, "Maze Runner!"

We must chat when you get back.
I have lots of opinions.

- I'm a hunter.

Some people
like to hunt elk, or deer.

I hunt people,

and your head
is going on my wall.

- I didn't steal anything.

- Oh, you didn't?

Well, this was easy.

Sorry for the mix-up,
you can go.

Here, let me get you your purse.
Oops!

Ha ha!

Well, well, well, lookie what
we've got here.

- That's mine.
I came in with it.

- How convenient for you.

Well...
[groans].

I guess it's just my word
against yours then.

[sighs] If only I had
some sort of device

right at my fingertips that
recorded your illegal activity.

[gasps]
Oh.

If only I could
simply press a button,

and see that recording.

Oh.

If only that had worked.

- I have always wanted...
- You? No, no, no...

- A blue couch!
- Okay.

- My home is all about--
- Hey, hey, hey!

Okay, okay.

Y'all in Judge Garrett's
court now.

You both want the couch.
Plead your case. Go.

- I'm pregnant,
and I have so little...[cries]

Where's the baby gonna sit?

- Uh, fake cry.

I invented fake crying.

She was my sister!

God...

I just want to hold her
one more time...

- Wow, you could be
in a Lifetime movie.

- Thanks.
- We gonna do this the easy way.

You want the couch?

Whoever sits on it
the longest gets it.

You get up, you lose.
You in?

- Absolutely.
- Yup.

- "It is not death
a man should fear,

but never beginning to live."

Marcus Aurelius.

"I don't got no fear of death."

Tupac Shakur.

- Those are beautiful, Glenn.
Thank you.

- You're welcome.

- Um, I think I need to get back
to the jewelry counter.

- Oh, sure,
get back to jewelry.

A man died here today.

When I die, will it be
business as usual?

Jewelry, cosmetics,
sporting goods, electronics,

grocery--
- No, you're right.

You're right, Glenn.
- Men's apparel.

Women's apparel.
Housewares. Seasonal.

- Well, would it
make you feel better

if we did something
for his family?

- I know a guy who makes
life-size puppets

of the deceased using
their actual hair.

- Well, that's one idea.
Here's another one.

What if we sent his family
a condolence card?

- Oh, that's even better.

'Cause those puppets
are pretty horrifying.

- Hey, Emma?
[toilet flushes]

You--you've been in here
a while.

Is--is everything okay?

- I'm fine.
Can you get my mom?

- Uh, you know,
your mom is actually

with our boss right now,
and I don't want

to get her in trouble, so--

- Can you please
just get her?

- Uh, you know, Emma,
whatever it is,

you can trust me,
I promise you--

- I got my first period!

.

- Hey, have you seen Amy?

- Amy...

- I got to get back to jewelry,
but this seems very Charles.

- Uh, wait a sec.

Wait, so you detained her
without proof?

- There was a faulty
surveillance camera.

- She could sue the store!
Do you remember Linda Beavers?

She was fired for falsely
accusing someone of shoplifting.

- Wait, Linda was fired?
- Yeah.

- She told me the doctor said
she was too fat to work.

- Yeah, that was just
her excuse to save face.

- Look, I'm not
falsely accusing her.

She did it,
I just can't prove it.

- Okay, she hasn't
been in there long,

so just apologize,
and hopefully,

that'll be the end of it.

- You want me to let her go?
I saw her do it!

- It doesn't matter
what you saw.

Just cut your losses
and move on.

That's an order.

I just sounded like
my wife right there.

- Hey, Emma,
I want you to know

I can't find your mom,
but don't worry,

I can handle it.

And I'm in the Men's room.

I want you to know,
I can't find your mom,

but don't worry,
I can handle it.

- Are you sure?

'Cause my mom said you're not
that good at doing stuff.

- Did your mom ever say anything
positive about me?

This is not about me.

- It is unfortunate that

the situation arose
where you were accused

of something that,
due to circumstance,

the proof that you did it...

[clears throat]
Was lost.

Such that, to anyone
who wasn't there in person,

they wouldn't know
you had did it.

- I'm sorry,
is this an apology?

- Yes,
and don't say sorry to me.

I don't accept.
- Uh, don't worry. I won't.

I'm leaving.
- Okay.

Just need you
to sign this form

stating that I let you go and
that you won't sue the store.

- Anything to get away from
your polyester blend shirt

and that stupid little ponytail
you're forced to wear.

- Uh, the ponytail
is not forced.

It is one of 12 approved
hairstyles for female employees.

- Mm, well, whatever it is,
it's pitiful.

Oh, I'm sorry.
I forgot you work retail.

Pitiful means sad.

- I know you stole.

- Oh yeah?
Prove it.

- We're just
getting started, lady!

I cannot physically touch you,

but I can get very close.

- So, the episiotomy
is when they have to snip

the area between your vagina
and your butthole

so that you don't
tear your peehole.

- You know,
it's not working, okay?

I'm not getting off this couch.

- And it's all held together
by a mucus plug,

so imagine, like,
a bag of cherry pie filling,

but it has a hole in it,
but the hole's being blocked

by a big ball of snot.

- Yep, yep, miracle of life.
Get it.

- I wonder if
I'll eat my placenta.

- Hey, uh, Dina?
- I'm in a hurry.

If you want to talk,
you have to walk with me.

- Uh, okay, this is
gonna sound crazy, but,

do you remember
your first period?

Because--
- February 4th, 2003.

It was a Tuesday.
Unseasonably warm.

- Okay, so--
- I was 19.

Late bloomer, though I've more
than made up for that since.

My gyno says I ovulate
like a champ.

I drop eggs hard.
- All right, uh--

- You know my aunt was born
with two vaginas?

Yeah, she always thought
it would help her date,

but it didn't.

She died alone.
Well, she will die alone.

She's still alive.
She's only like 50 or something.

- Okay, thanks.

Think I got
all the information I need.

- [chuckles]
God, I'm good at flirting.

- Hey! You! Rodriguez!
Follow me.

What's the hold up?

- Well, I don't like when people
snap in my face.

I'm busy.
My name's not "Rodriguez."

There are so many reasons.
- I need your help.

That shoplifter's
still upstairs.

- Dina,
you didn't let her go?

You heard Glenn,
you could lose your job.

- Not if we can
get her to confess.

- We--uh, sorry. We?

- Look, I know
we've never been close.

Frankly, there are a lot of
things I can't stand about you,

but right now,
you're the only person I trust.

- Um...no.

- Please...I...[sighs]

I don't want to lose my job.

- Is this gonna take
a long time?

- No.

I mean, I was hoping for
a quick nacho bar fuel up,

but we can skip that.

I mean, unless you...
- No.

.

- I'm an 11-year-old girl.
Do I like pads or tampons?

Hyp--hypothetically.

- Oh, hey, dude.

You want to split a pizza
for lunch break?

- What do you know
about periods?

- Oh, it's bleeding
from the uterus

that's released
through the vagina.

Happens every 28 days,
give or take a few,

depending on the lady.

They all snowflakes.

So was that a no for pizza?

- I don't think
I'm hungry anymore.

- Whoo, I am.

- So how, exactly, are we
getting her to confess?

- We're going classic
good cop, bad cop.

- Like they do in the movies?

- Trust me.
I've been doing this for years.

This'll work.

- Okay, good cop, bad cop.

- Hey, there,
this is my bestie, Amy.

Be careful of her,
she's a little unstable.

- Um...
[clears throat].

Listen up, dirt bag.
- Ow.

- Do you need
some water or a mint?

God, you're just so pretty.

- Are you gonna let me go,
or what?

- I want to,
but Amy here is a maniac.

She's loco.

- [thick accent] Uh, yeah, loco!
Loco 'bout bustin' perps!

[growls]

- Oh, hey, um, I've decided
to take up a collection

for the dead fella's family.

Maybe you guys could, like,
take this around

and get the other employees
to donate?

- Got it.
- Money for the dead guy.

- Mm-hmm. Oh.
- Great.

- Should I just put it...

- Yeah, just, you can
set it down.

Good.

- You know that's the couch
he died on.

- Okay, Uncle Jonah's back.

Gross.

Please pretend I did not just
call myself "Uncle Jonah."

- Did you get something?

- Yep, these are colorful.
Oh!

And this one has a girl playing
soccer on the cover.

- I just want
whatever's easy to use.

- I got to be honest, none of
these really look easy to use.

- My cousin Ricky
started out shoplifting.

Now he's bangin' out
license plates in some prison

trying to avoid a big guy
named Crazy Eyes.

- Crazy Eyes is a character
in "Orange is the New Black."

- Crazy Eyes is a character
in every prison in America,

ladrona puta.

- Is she okay?

I don't understand what's
happening.

- It's boxing.

- Okay, listen
Rizzoli and Isles,

I'm not confessing to anything,

especially not to two
minimum-wage morons.

- I'm sorry, what?

- Hey, sweetie,
you seem stressed.

Do you want a back rub?
- No, no, no, no, no.

Who do you think you are?

You can't just walk up in here,
start calling us morons.

- Amy, forget it, okay?
This clearly isn't working.

Guess you're free to go,
courtesy of one broken camera

in the makeup department.

- Wait.
You saw her in makeup?

- Yeah.

- Well, you know,
the cameras in accessories

also cover makeup.

- [gasps]
I just realized.

If we pull the footage
from accessories,

we've got our proof!

- Yeah, that's
what I was saying.

- And you're going down,
thief!

- Enjoy prison!

- [laughs]
- Oh, boy.

It's a heated competition.

- I think you're just
supposed to open it

from--or--nope, I broke it.

Nope. Yep.
That can't be right.

It's soft.
Oh, this one looks easy.

That--it travels.
That one's a traveler.

Uh...

Emma, look through the crack.

I'm a mummy!
Ahh!

Oh, I'm sorry.
I'll be right out.

I'm helping a little girl.

- Can't wait to see you bust
that filthy bitch to hell.

- You can drop the bad cop act.
- It's not an act.

I genuinely hate this lady.

- Nice.
Oh, here we go.

.

- Everyone here at Cloud 9
is so, so sorry

to have inconvenienced you,
and we are willing to

do anything to make it right.

- Here are some coupons.
Uh, 25% off air fresheners.

- Ooh.

- Uh, buy one,
get one free toothpaste.

And, um, and a free slushie.

But, you know what,
something tells me

you're not a slushie girl,
so I'll just keep that.

- Let me be clear.

You have two options.

You can either fire
this dum-dum right now,

or I can go home,
call your corporate offices,

and make them fire her.

- Okay, let's just
talk this through.

It was one mistake.
- I'm leaving.

I can't waste
another minute of my life

with you back-country idiots.

- Okay, I'm just gonna say it:

I like her less than I like
other people.

["Somewhere Over The Rainbow"
plays]

- * Somewhere
over the rainbow *

- I can't believe
I'm gonna lose my job.

I just upgraded all of the trash
cans in my apartment.

Stupid, Dina, stupid!

- Relax, things have a way
of working out.

- Oh, I'm sure
you'll be happy with me gone.

You can turn this place
into some sort of

deranged religious cult.

[alarm blares]

- Well, well, look who
didn't feel like

paying for their copy of
"Barney's Great Adventure."

- That's not mine, someone else
must have put it there.

- Now, let me be clear.

You have two options.

You can report Dina
to corporate while I report you

to the police,

or we can agree that sometimes
good people make mistakes,

and put this
whole darn thing behind us.

- Fine.

But I'm never stepping foot
in this dump again.

- And God grants us
another miracle.

Have a heavenly day.

What?
- Did you plant that?

- Dina, I'm a man
of truth and principle,

so how can you
even ask me that?

- Understood.

- It was me. I did it.
I saved you.

You owe me so hard!
So hard!

Yeah! I lied!

- See that?
In the back corner?

You see the little family
over there?

Kill 'em. Blow 'em up.

- Here you are.

I'm sorry I was gone so long.

What'd you do all day?

- Uh, we mostly played
video games.

It was fun.

- Wow.
- Yep.

- Good job.

Thanks for, uh,
keeping an eye on her.

- It was easy.
She's a great kid.

- Yeah, she is.

[gunshots]

[groans]

- Jonah taught me
how to use a maxi pad.

[groans]

- Thank you all
for gathering to help me

honor and remember...

Charles Maynard Rand.

- Why do we have
to destroy the couch?

- Well, for one thing,
it's a wonderful way

to memorialize a man.

- Plus, I looked up
the store policy.

If a death occurs on
any display furniture,

it has to be destroyed.

Who knew?
- I knew.

Same thing happened at the
Kirkwood store a few months ago.

- Jonah?
- Right.

- We didn't know Charles,
but he chose to spend

the last few
moments of his life with us.

Charles, may your soul...

or non-denominational
life force, I guess,

be lifted by
the non-gender-specific

arms of a loving
entity or non-entity--

- Hey. Just once?

Knock yourself out.

- Jesus Christ!

The hands of Jesus Christ,
who saves us from our sins

with his precious blood, and
welcomes us as little lambs...

- Hey.
Thanks for helping me out today.

- Yeah, I got your back.

- I know you brought your
daughter into work.

I got to write you up.
You get it.

- We give you the love,
and we take away the evil!

Amen!

[exhales]
What a day!

- How much gas
you put on that thing?

- None, and that fabric is
supposed to be fire-retardant.

- Okay, uh...
- Wow.

- God bless us all,
and let's get out of here.