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1
00:00:01,102 --> 00:00:01,242
.
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00:00:01,702 --> 00:00:02,142
[indistinct chatter]
3
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- Attention.
4
00:00:05,073 --> 00:00:06,373
Attention!
5
00:00:06,374 --> 00:00:08,684
Okay, everybody look
over at me now.
6
00:00:08,676 --> 00:00:10,406
[indistinct chatter]
7
00:00:10,411 --> 00:00:13,051
Okay, that's as loud
as my voice goes, so I'm--
8
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I'm not sure what to do here.
9
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[banging]
10
00:00:16,450 --> 00:00:18,490
- I would definitely
kill a wolf.
11
00:00:19,453 --> 00:00:20,853
- Oh, oh, oh.
Okay. Okay.
12
00:00:20,854 --> 00:00:23,124
Today is a, uh,
very exciting day,
13
00:00:23,124 --> 00:00:26,534
because "Stratus"
is doing a profile on our store.
14
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Yeah, ooh!
15
00:00:28,829 --> 00:00:31,369
Oh, yeah!
16
00:00:31,365 --> 00:00:32,665
- What's "Stratus"?
17
00:00:32,666 --> 00:00:35,966
- Um, only our internal
corporate magazine!
18
00:00:35,969 --> 00:00:38,269
- "Magazine" isn't
exactly accurate.
19
00:00:38,272 --> 00:00:41,042
It's more like
misleading propaganda.
20
00:00:41,041 --> 00:00:42,441
- No, it's not!
21
00:00:42,443 --> 00:00:44,813
- "Minimum wage
is maximum fun!"
22
00:00:44,812 --> 00:00:45,952
- It is!
23
00:00:45,946 --> 00:00:49,046
- "Work it Off:
A Guide to Injuries on the Job."
24
00:00:49,049 --> 00:00:51,949
- Oh, that is a super fun read.
25
00:00:51,952 --> 00:00:54,022
- Ooh, there's
a jingle-writing contest.
26
00:00:54,021 --> 00:00:55,461
Bo could enter that.
27
00:00:55,456 --> 00:00:58,356
If he won, he could stop dancing
for his mom's friends.
28
00:00:58,359 --> 00:01:02,399
- It's my responsibility
to show the reporter around,
29
00:01:02,396 --> 00:01:06,126
so, please, let's put
our best foot forward, okay?
30
00:01:06,134 --> 00:01:07,944
Cheyenne, that means
no falling asleep
31
00:01:07,935 --> 00:01:09,195
in the bedding department.
32
00:01:09,203 --> 00:01:11,643
- I get tired, Glenn.
I'm pregnant.
33
00:01:11,639 --> 00:01:13,139
- Not today, you're not!
34
00:01:13,141 --> 00:01:14,381
- Okay.
35
00:01:14,375 --> 00:01:16,805
- Uh, oh, and Sal,
I'm gonna need you
36
00:01:16,810 --> 00:01:20,980
to take the creepiness down
to about a two, okay?
37
00:01:20,981 --> 00:01:23,421
Garrett, um,
I love those nicknames
38
00:01:23,417 --> 00:01:24,747
you come up with for me,
39
00:01:24,752 --> 00:01:27,292
but, uh, some people might
see them as insulting,
40
00:01:27,288 --> 00:01:30,818
so why don't you just get 'em
out of your system now?
41
00:01:30,824 --> 00:01:32,764
- Glennda, G-Nothing,
42
00:01:32,760 --> 00:01:33,990
Glenngarry Glenn Loss,
43
00:01:33,994 --> 00:01:35,234
Glennema,
44
00:01:35,229 --> 00:01:36,399
Glenntil Soup,
45
00:01:36,397 --> 00:01:37,397
TransGlennder.
46
00:01:37,398 --> 00:01:38,728
- Oh, that's a new one.
47
00:01:38,732 --> 00:01:40,302
- You got to keep
this reporter away from me.
48
00:01:40,301 --> 00:01:41,571
I hate reporters.
49
00:01:41,569 --> 00:01:43,599
My school paper
once misidentified me
50
00:01:43,604 --> 00:01:45,544
as a scoliosis victim.
51
00:01:45,539 --> 00:01:49,039
I mean, the joke is,
my spine is perfect, okay?
52
00:01:49,042 --> 00:01:51,652
I can bench 160.
53
00:01:51,645 --> 00:01:53,605
165 in the right situation.
54
00:01:53,614 --> 00:01:54,924
- Okay!
55
00:01:54,915 --> 00:01:57,345
Let's get out there
and have a newsworthy day.
56
00:01:57,351 --> 00:02:00,751
Do it for the old, uh...
57
00:02:00,754 --> 00:02:01,924
G-Spot!
58
00:02:01,922 --> 00:02:03,192
See?
59
00:02:03,191 --> 00:02:05,731
You're not the only one
who's good at nicknames.
60
00:02:05,726 --> 00:02:08,726
[upbeat music]
61
00:02:08,729 --> 00:02:10,599
*
62
00:02:10,598 --> 00:02:12,768
- If you see the reporter
show up today,
63
00:02:12,766 --> 00:02:14,336
please let me know
so I can hide.
64
00:02:14,335 --> 00:02:15,995
I do not want them
to put me on the cover.
65
00:02:16,003 --> 00:02:17,373
- [laughs]
66
00:02:17,371 --> 00:02:18,871
That's pretty cocky.
67
00:02:18,872 --> 00:02:19,942
- Oh, it's not ego.
68
00:02:19,940 --> 00:02:21,810
These corporate magazines love
69
00:02:21,809 --> 00:02:24,079
putting employees with
disabilities on the cover.
70
00:02:24,077 --> 00:02:25,577
Look.
71
00:02:25,579 --> 00:02:27,219
- Wow.
72
00:02:27,215 --> 00:02:28,275
You were not kidding.
73
00:02:28,282 --> 00:02:29,752
- And they really gonna
come after me,
74
00:02:29,750 --> 00:02:31,850
especially with Face Birthmark
Tony on vacation.
75
00:02:31,852 --> 00:02:34,022
- Yeah, I'll bet, and getting
a black guy in a wheelchair
76
00:02:34,021 --> 00:02:36,321
on the cover would be like
their Holy Grail or something.
77
00:02:36,324 --> 00:02:38,134
- Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
78
00:02:38,125 --> 00:02:40,355
You trying to say
being black's a disability?
79
00:02:40,361 --> 00:02:41,501
- Oh, no. No, no, no.
- Huh?
80
00:02:41,495 --> 00:02:42,955
- Now, that's--no.
No, of course, no.
81
00:02:42,963 --> 00:02:44,573
I--I have lots of...
- What?
82
00:02:44,565 --> 00:02:46,325
- I listen to Drake. I--
- Drake?
83
00:02:46,334 --> 00:02:50,244
- No, no, no.
I watch BET...sometimes.
84
00:02:50,238 --> 00:02:51,968
- I'm messing with you, dude.
- Okay.
85
00:02:51,972 --> 00:02:53,612
Good. Thank God.
86
00:02:53,607 --> 00:02:54,807
I've never watched BET.
87
00:02:54,808 --> 00:02:56,008
- Yeah, me either, man.
88
00:03:00,881 --> 00:03:02,381
- 'Sup, fool?
89
00:03:02,383 --> 00:03:03,653
- Nice.
90
00:03:03,651 --> 00:03:04,951
Why are you dressed like
91
00:03:04,952 --> 00:03:07,762
you're going undercover
at a high school?
92
00:03:07,755 --> 00:03:09,385
- Oh.
93
00:03:09,390 --> 00:03:12,260
Well, it looked cool on him.
94
00:03:12,260 --> 00:03:14,660
With the reporter coming...
95
00:03:14,662 --> 00:03:17,372
I know I'm not the most
exciting person in the world,
96
00:03:17,365 --> 00:03:20,125
so I thought I'd
jazz myself up a bit.
97
00:03:20,133 --> 00:03:21,573
- Come on, Glenn.
98
00:03:21,569 --> 00:03:23,669
You're an exciting guy.
99
00:03:23,671 --> 00:03:27,041
You remember
that time when, um,
100
00:03:27,040 --> 00:03:31,280
you know, uh...
101
00:03:31,279 --> 00:03:32,879
you know.
102
00:03:32,880 --> 00:03:34,380
- Thanks for trying.
103
00:03:36,450 --> 00:03:40,450
- Glenn, "Stratus" is just
a stupid corporate rag.
104
00:03:40,454 --> 00:03:42,024
Nobody reads that.
105
00:03:42,022 --> 00:03:44,292
I mean, maybe if
the break room TV is broken
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00:03:44,292 --> 00:03:45,832
and I'm locked out
of Candy Crush.
107
00:03:45,826 --> 00:03:47,426
- I know that,
108
00:03:47,428 --> 00:03:50,898
but for once,
it'd be nice to be the star.
109
00:03:50,898 --> 00:03:53,828
I mean, I--I know
I'm never gonna be Madonna,
110
00:03:53,834 --> 00:03:57,874
but, for one day,
it'd be nice not to be Glenn,
111
00:03:57,871 --> 00:04:00,811
but to be...Glenn.
112
00:04:02,576 --> 00:04:05,306
- Hey, I need you to help me
give Glenn a makeover.
113
00:04:05,313 --> 00:04:06,953
- Which one of us
was she talking to?
114
00:04:06,947 --> 00:04:08,677
- Whichever one of you
uses moisturizer.
115
00:04:12,786 --> 00:04:15,816
[shots pinging]
116
00:04:18,058 --> 00:04:20,328
- You know, I have to say,
almost everything works on him.
117
00:04:20,328 --> 00:04:21,428
I guess that's the one benefit
118
00:04:21,429 --> 00:04:23,359
of having a face
with zero character.
119
00:04:23,364 --> 00:04:24,874
- Thank you, Mateo.
120
00:04:24,865 --> 00:04:26,425
- You look good, Glenn.
121
00:04:26,434 --> 00:04:28,874
Just remember
to maintain eye contact,
122
00:04:28,869 --> 00:04:30,769
give a good, firm handshake...
123
00:04:30,771 --> 00:04:32,841
- Give compliments,
and try to make some jokes.
124
00:04:32,840 --> 00:04:34,040
- And smile a lot.
125
00:04:34,041 --> 00:04:35,611
You'll be fine.
126
00:04:35,609 --> 00:04:37,449
- Umm...hmm.
127
00:04:37,445 --> 00:04:39,445
- Do you have something
you'd like to say, Jonah?
128
00:04:39,447 --> 00:04:41,947
- A reporter doesn't care
about how you look.
129
00:04:41,949 --> 00:04:45,249
They want to hear
your big ideas.
130
00:04:45,252 --> 00:04:46,252
- Ideas?
131
00:04:46,253 --> 00:04:47,563
- Okay. You know what?
132
00:04:47,555 --> 00:04:49,115
It's not "The New Yorker."
133
00:04:49,122 --> 00:04:50,192
It's "Stratus."
134
00:04:50,190 --> 00:04:52,830
They just want some nice photos
135
00:04:52,826 --> 00:04:56,226
and a quote saying
how great it is to work here.
136
00:04:56,229 --> 00:04:57,769
- Jonah, I think Amy's right.
137
00:04:57,765 --> 00:04:59,465
I'm just gonna stick
with a firm handshake
138
00:04:59,467 --> 00:05:01,737
and an enthusiastic
"Howdy-do!"
139
00:05:01,735 --> 00:05:02,865
- Exactly.
140
00:05:02,870 --> 00:05:04,410
But don't say "howdy-do."
141
00:05:04,405 --> 00:05:05,735
- Rodger dodger.
142
00:05:05,739 --> 00:05:08,109
- * Cloud 9, Cloud 9
143
00:05:08,108 --> 00:05:09,578
* You better come inside
144
00:05:09,577 --> 00:05:10,977
* Because it's hell outside
145
00:05:10,978 --> 00:05:12,208
* I don't play by the rules
146
00:05:12,212 --> 00:05:13,452
* Sending tanks to our schools
147
00:05:13,447 --> 00:05:16,117
* Immigration, deportation
148
00:05:16,116 --> 00:05:17,116
* Kneel, dog
149
00:05:17,117 --> 00:05:18,117
* Rock the vote
150
00:05:18,118 --> 00:05:19,248
* Fracking
151
00:05:19,252 --> 00:05:21,492
* Campaign finance reform,
bitches! *
152
00:05:21,489 --> 00:05:22,519
[mimics explosion]
153
00:05:22,523 --> 00:05:23,793
* Pew-pew-pew
154
00:05:23,791 --> 00:05:24,791
What's up?
155
00:05:24,792 --> 00:05:25,962
That felt pretty good, right?
156
00:05:25,959 --> 00:05:27,259
- That was great.
157
00:05:27,260 --> 00:05:28,800
A lot of fun stuff in there...
158
00:05:28,796 --> 00:05:29,956
- Yeah.
159
00:05:29,963 --> 00:05:32,973
- And I really love
the world of this rap.
160
00:05:32,966 --> 00:05:35,096
I just had, like, one thought.
161
00:05:35,102 --> 00:05:36,102
- Okay.
162
00:05:36,103 --> 00:05:37,443
- Not that I know anything,
163
00:05:37,438 --> 00:05:40,638
but it's a little bit,
maybe, too...political.
164
00:05:40,641 --> 00:05:43,281
I just can't think of any other
corporate jingles
165
00:05:43,276 --> 00:05:45,146
that say,
"God is a black woman."
166
00:05:45,145 --> 00:05:46,145
- Well, yeah.
167
00:05:46,146 --> 00:05:47,546
That's what makes it
original, yo.
168
00:05:47,548 --> 00:05:48,978
- Mm-hmm.
169
00:05:48,982 --> 00:05:51,822
I just think toning it down
might give us a better shot.
170
00:05:51,819 --> 00:05:54,419
We need money for the baby.
171
00:05:54,422 --> 00:05:56,622
Now, don't think of it
as "selling out."
172
00:05:56,624 --> 00:05:59,464
Think of it
as "cashing in."
173
00:06:01,429 --> 00:06:03,299
- That's why you're my manager.
174
00:06:04,865 --> 00:06:05,895
- Glenn.
- Mm?
175
00:06:05,899 --> 00:06:07,129
- Don't slump.
- Yeah.
176
00:06:07,134 --> 00:06:08,544
Accentuate
your silhouette.
177
00:06:08,536 --> 00:06:12,436
Hand on hip, shoulders back,
look down on the world.
178
00:06:12,440 --> 00:06:13,870
- Oh, she's here.
179
00:06:15,509 --> 00:06:16,509
- Hey.
180
00:06:16,510 --> 00:06:18,450
Here's the deal,
reporter.
181
00:06:18,446 --> 00:06:20,046
You're in my house now.
182
00:06:20,047 --> 00:06:21,617
You see those security cameras?
183
00:06:21,615 --> 00:06:24,275
I will have eyes on you...
184
00:06:24,284 --> 00:06:25,324
at all times.
185
00:06:27,755 --> 00:06:28,755
You understand
what that means?
186
00:06:28,756 --> 00:06:29,786
- Yeah, no. I got it.
187
00:06:32,025 --> 00:06:33,555
Oh.
188
00:06:33,561 --> 00:06:35,061
Hi. I'm from "Stratus."
189
00:06:35,062 --> 00:06:36,562
- Yeah, I'm--I...
190
00:06:36,564 --> 00:06:37,734
- I'm sorry.
I didn't catch your name.
191
00:06:37,731 --> 00:06:38,931
- I'm sorry. You--
192
00:06:38,932 --> 00:06:41,272
- How about you just--
- I'm sorry. You--
193
00:06:41,268 --> 00:06:42,968
- Okay, you talk.
- Okay, you talk. You talk.
194
00:06:42,970 --> 00:06:44,240
You talk. You talk.
- Mm.
195
00:06:45,739 --> 00:06:46,739
- Hi.
196
00:06:46,740 --> 00:06:48,280
I'm Amy.
- Hi.
197
00:06:48,275 --> 00:06:49,475
- Welcome to the store.
198
00:06:49,477 --> 00:06:51,547
We're so glad
to have you here, Cynthia.
199
00:06:51,545 --> 00:06:52,705
Big fans of "Stratus."
200
00:06:52,713 --> 00:06:56,123
This is our store manager,
um, Glenn Sturgis.
201
00:06:56,116 --> 00:06:57,816
- Hello.
Welcome to meeting me.
202
00:06:57,818 --> 00:06:59,148
- Oh.
203
00:07:02,690 --> 00:07:03,960
- Oh.
204
00:07:03,957 --> 00:07:05,727
You're a pretty little
kitty, aren't you?
205
00:07:05,726 --> 00:07:07,496
- What?
206
00:07:07,495 --> 00:07:09,225
- [purrs]
207
00:07:09,229 --> 00:07:11,329
- Um, how about we start
the tour?
208
00:07:11,331 --> 00:07:12,731
- Yeah.
- Yes.
209
00:07:12,733 --> 00:07:14,503
- If you'll follow me, please.
Right this way.
210
00:07:14,502 --> 00:07:15,642
- Smile.
- What was that?
211
00:07:15,636 --> 00:07:16,696
- Oh, smile!
212
00:07:16,704 --> 00:07:18,544
Oh, I wondered why...
213
00:07:21,341 --> 00:07:22,511
- Hey!
214
00:07:24,244 --> 00:07:27,384
- And, as I described to you
in the other three aisles,
215
00:07:27,380 --> 00:07:31,990
these are standard
fluorescent lights powered by--
216
00:07:31,985 --> 00:07:33,545
- Wowzers, Glenn.
That's a great quote.
217
00:07:33,554 --> 00:07:35,664
Let's maybe move on
from the lights now, okay?
218
00:07:35,656 --> 00:07:37,656
- How's he doing?
- Not so good.
219
00:07:37,658 --> 00:07:41,358
- Between the fluorescent lights
is standard ceiling.
220
00:07:41,361 --> 00:07:43,131
- Okay, so I know
what's in the store
221
00:07:43,130 --> 00:07:44,970
'cause they're...
pretty much all identical,
222
00:07:44,965 --> 00:07:47,865
so can you tell me just
something...interesting?
223
00:07:47,868 --> 00:07:49,368
- Hmm?
224
00:07:51,338 --> 00:07:54,778
- Why don't you tell her
about one of your big ideas?
225
00:07:54,775 --> 00:07:56,435
- Huh?
- Okay. What big ideas?
226
00:07:56,443 --> 00:07:57,913
- Yeah. What big ideas?
227
00:07:57,911 --> 00:08:00,611
- Your idea to revamp the store.
228
00:08:00,614 --> 00:08:02,424
Shake things up
a little bit.
229
00:08:02,415 --> 00:08:03,915
This guy, he doesn't want
230
00:08:03,917 --> 00:08:06,047
to just organize the store
by product type.
231
00:08:06,053 --> 00:08:09,593
He wants to organize the store
by lifestyle.
232
00:08:09,590 --> 00:08:12,990
There would be an aisle
for single moms,.
233
00:08:12,993 --> 00:08:14,663
There would be an aisle
for veterans.
234
00:08:14,662 --> 00:08:16,602
- That's actually...
235
00:08:16,597 --> 00:08:17,997
pretty cool.
236
00:08:17,998 --> 00:08:20,568
- Oh, uh, yeah.
237
00:08:20,568 --> 00:08:22,368
No, Glenn has...
238
00:08:22,369 --> 00:08:25,269
all kinds of great ideas
just like that one.
239
00:08:25,272 --> 00:08:27,112
- You do?
240
00:08:27,107 --> 00:08:29,177
- Yes, I do.
241
00:08:29,176 --> 00:08:30,636
Here's another one.
242
00:08:36,684 --> 00:08:37,854
Framples!
243
00:08:37,851 --> 00:08:40,821
Instead of saying,
"free samples,"
244
00:08:40,821 --> 00:08:42,621
we should just say, "framples."
245
00:08:42,623 --> 00:08:43,763
- That's a good idea.
246
00:08:43,757 --> 00:08:45,287
- Yes.
-You should write that one down.
247
00:08:45,292 --> 00:08:46,432
- No, I'm good.
248
00:08:46,426 --> 00:08:48,496
- Well, I mean,
it's not a bad idea.
249
00:08:49,462 --> 00:08:51,462
- Wait, I have another one!
250
00:08:51,464 --> 00:08:52,604
"Shart."
251
00:08:52,600 --> 00:08:54,030
For "shopping cart."
252
00:08:54,034 --> 00:08:55,044
- Eh?
- Mm.
253
00:08:57,638 --> 00:08:57,768
.
254
00:08:59,172 --> 00:09:00,012
- I mean, you could also have
a green aisle:
255
00:09:01,041 --> 00:09:02,911
put organic foods
next to environmentally friendly
256
00:09:02,910 --> 00:09:04,240
home products...
257
00:09:04,244 --> 00:09:05,484
- I love that.
258
00:09:05,478 --> 00:09:06,478
Now, how do you spell your name?
259
00:09:06,479 --> 00:09:08,349
- Oh, um, J-O-N--
260
00:09:09,983 --> 00:09:10,983
Oh. Uh, yeah.
261
00:09:10,984 --> 00:09:12,394
Honestly, I was just
piggybacking
262
00:09:12,385 --> 00:09:13,645
off of Glenn's idea.
263
00:09:13,654 --> 00:09:15,064
- Mm. Creative and humble.
264
00:09:15,055 --> 00:09:16,985
You're like...
a regular Tom Hanks.
265
00:09:18,225 --> 00:09:19,685
- Hey, Cynthia.
- Yeah.
266
00:09:19,693 --> 00:09:21,733
- Maybe you'd like
to come see my office.
267
00:09:21,729 --> 00:09:23,029
It's pretty wild.
268
00:09:23,030 --> 00:09:26,030
I have a calendar in there
of normal dogs.
269
00:09:26,033 --> 00:09:27,133
- Okay. That's great, Brian.
270
00:09:27,134 --> 00:09:29,004
But I'm talking
to Jonah right now.
271
00:09:29,002 --> 00:09:30,742
So where'd you go to school?
- Oh...
272
00:09:30,738 --> 00:09:33,408
- She doesn't even
remember my name.
273
00:09:34,374 --> 00:09:37,384
[mysterious music]
274
00:09:37,377 --> 00:09:42,817
*
275
00:09:42,816 --> 00:09:44,146
- Hi.
276
00:09:44,151 --> 00:09:47,021
Would you like to take a picture
for "Stratus" magazine?
277
00:09:47,020 --> 00:09:48,260
That sound fun?
278
00:09:48,255 --> 00:09:49,255
Hey!
279
00:09:49,256 --> 00:09:50,356
What are you, deaf?
280
00:09:52,059 --> 00:09:53,459
Oh, my God. He's deaf!
281
00:09:58,699 --> 00:09:59,699
- Here you go.
282
00:09:59,700 --> 00:10:01,840
Have another "frample."
283
00:10:01,835 --> 00:10:02,935
Wow.
284
00:10:02,936 --> 00:10:04,596
See how that just
rolled off the tongue?
285
00:10:04,604 --> 00:10:05,614
- Thanks, Amy.
286
00:10:05,605 --> 00:10:06,765
- Why are you here?
287
00:10:06,774 --> 00:10:09,614
- Because this is where
the losers sit.
288
00:10:09,609 --> 00:10:10,879
- Hey...
289
00:10:10,878 --> 00:10:12,378
- Oh, I'm so sorry.
290
00:10:12,379 --> 00:10:16,579
Please, enjoy your individual
pepperoni pizza, okay?
291
00:10:16,583 --> 00:10:18,493
- Glenn, I--
I'm just trying to help you.
292
00:10:18,485 --> 00:10:21,085
If you come back over with me,
I'll hand her off to you.
293
00:10:21,088 --> 00:10:22,318
- It's no use!
294
00:10:22,322 --> 00:10:25,062
I don't have style or substance.
295
00:10:25,058 --> 00:10:26,858
Hey, maybe that's why iPhones
296
00:10:26,860 --> 00:10:29,230
never recognize my face
as a face.
297
00:10:29,229 --> 00:10:30,999
- Glenn, you're being
hard on yourself.
298
00:10:30,998 --> 00:10:32,828
- I've been here 20 years.
299
00:10:32,833 --> 00:10:34,103
You've been here two weeks,
300
00:10:34,101 --> 00:10:36,301
and you already have
better ideas than me.
301
00:10:36,303 --> 00:10:38,073
- Glenn, that is not it.
302
00:10:38,071 --> 00:10:39,241
Honestly...
303
00:10:39,239 --> 00:10:41,639
I think that lady
just has a crush on Jonah.
304
00:10:41,641 --> 00:10:44,141
She's interested in him
because he's cute,
305
00:10:44,144 --> 00:10:46,014
not because of his bad ideas.
306
00:10:46,013 --> 00:10:47,753
- Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
307
00:10:47,748 --> 00:10:49,248
You think I'm cute?
308
00:10:49,249 --> 00:10:50,249
- No!
309
00:10:50,250 --> 00:10:51,350
I do not think you're cute.
310
00:10:51,351 --> 00:10:53,121
I think you look like
a person who is cute.
311
00:10:54,287 --> 00:10:56,057
- Wait; do you really
think that's it?
312
00:10:56,056 --> 00:10:57,726
That she's just
attracted to him?
313
00:10:57,725 --> 00:10:58,855
- No!
- Yes!
314
00:10:58,859 --> 00:10:59,989
Yes.
315
00:10:59,993 --> 00:11:02,233
- You know, that
kind of makes sense.
316
00:11:02,229 --> 00:11:05,729
I mean, I can't compete
with these geisha features.
317
00:11:05,733 --> 00:11:09,173
He looks like a panda and
a Disney princess had a baby.
318
00:11:09,169 --> 00:11:11,099
- Thank you, Glenn, but I--
I do think it also might
319
00:11:11,104 --> 00:11:13,044
have something to do
with my ideas.
320
00:11:13,040 --> 00:11:14,570
- Aww.
321
00:11:14,574 --> 00:11:17,544
Da wittle panda
finks he fought of somefing.
322
00:11:17,544 --> 00:11:18,754
- [laughing]
323
00:11:18,746 --> 00:11:19,846
- Okay.
324
00:11:19,847 --> 00:11:21,007
That's a little much.
325
00:11:21,014 --> 00:11:23,424
- Look, now the panda's
feeling sad!
326
00:11:23,416 --> 00:11:24,886
- Aw, sad wittle panda!
327
00:11:24,885 --> 00:11:25,915
- Aw, that's adorable.
328
00:11:25,919 --> 00:11:27,149
- Tried to help.
329
00:11:27,154 --> 00:11:29,094
- Aw, panda!
- Sad panda...
330
00:11:29,089 --> 00:11:31,859
- Aww, don't fwink
we don't fwike you.
331
00:11:31,859 --> 00:11:34,829
- * Cloud 9, come inside
332
00:11:34,828 --> 00:11:37,528
* Society's a mirage
and sex is a prison *
333
00:11:37,530 --> 00:11:38,770
Uhh!
334
00:11:38,766 --> 00:11:40,226
Yeah, what do you think
about that?
335
00:11:41,334 --> 00:11:44,444
- I absolutely love
the first half.
336
00:11:44,437 --> 00:11:47,037
I'm just not sure about
the second line.
337
00:11:47,040 --> 00:11:48,340
- Are you serious?
338
00:11:48,341 --> 00:11:49,541
We've cut so much out.
339
00:11:49,542 --> 00:11:51,182
That's the only part left
I even like.
340
00:11:51,178 --> 00:11:52,908
- But the first line's
just a little bit more
341
00:11:52,913 --> 00:11:54,113
like a jingle, you know?
342
00:11:54,114 --> 00:11:55,284
It's catchy.
343
00:11:55,282 --> 00:11:56,282
- Catchy?
344
00:11:56,283 --> 00:11:57,793
Nah, na-na-na-na-nah.
Okay?
345
00:11:57,785 --> 00:11:59,785
That's not what
my music's about, yo.
346
00:11:59,787 --> 00:12:01,387
It's been described
as a lot of things,
347
00:12:01,388 --> 00:12:05,188
like edgy, dangerous, terrible,
but never catchy!
348
00:12:05,192 --> 00:12:06,492
That's not how I am.
349
00:12:06,493 --> 00:12:07,493
Forget this. I quit.
350
00:12:07,494 --> 00:12:08,664
I'm out of here. Uhh.
351
00:12:08,661 --> 00:12:10,531
- Hey, look, okay?
352
00:12:10,530 --> 00:12:11,970
I get it.
You don't want to sell out.
353
00:12:11,965 --> 00:12:13,265
That stinks.
354
00:12:13,266 --> 00:12:16,466
But a lot of this situation
we are in stinks.
355
00:12:16,469 --> 00:12:18,369
You think I want to be
wearing maternity clothes
356
00:12:18,371 --> 00:12:20,041
to high school,
even though I make it work,
357
00:12:20,040 --> 00:12:21,310
and I still look really cute?
358
00:12:21,308 --> 00:12:23,808
We have someone else
to think about now.
359
00:12:29,817 --> 00:12:32,817
- Want to chug these cream sodas
like two really good bros?
360
00:12:32,820 --> 00:12:34,960
- Ah, no thanks, Sal.
361
00:12:34,955 --> 00:12:37,515
- Maybe I can get some
eggnog from up front.
362
00:12:37,524 --> 00:12:41,034
When you chug that,
it feels like you're drowning.
363
00:12:43,463 --> 00:12:44,703
- Oh, there you are.
- Oh!
364
00:12:44,697 --> 00:12:46,367
- You ran off
halfway through the tour.
365
00:12:46,366 --> 00:12:48,666
- Yeah, I had to finish
some stuff back here.
366
00:12:48,668 --> 00:12:50,198
Uh, hey, listen.
367
00:12:50,203 --> 00:12:52,243
You should really talk to Glenn.
368
00:12:52,239 --> 00:12:54,009
I know he's kind of awkward,
369
00:12:54,007 --> 00:12:56,977
but he's, like, the heart
and soul of this place.
370
00:12:56,977 --> 00:12:58,647
- Maybe you could
show me around back here.
371
00:12:58,645 --> 00:12:59,875
- Oh, back here?
- Yeah.
372
00:12:59,880 --> 00:13:01,610
- There's not really
much to see back here.
373
00:13:01,614 --> 00:13:06,594
There's a water stain in the
shape of a crescent moon, so...
374
00:13:06,586 --> 00:13:08,156
um, I Instagrammed it.
375
00:13:08,155 --> 00:13:09,585
It's, uh, got seven likes.
376
00:13:09,589 --> 00:13:10,659
- You're cute.
377
00:13:10,657 --> 00:13:11,757
- You're cute.
378
00:13:11,758 --> 00:13:12,988
- You're like a Jewish Kennedy.
379
00:13:12,993 --> 00:13:15,033
- That's so...specific.
380
00:13:15,028 --> 00:13:16,758
Um, but...
381
00:13:16,763 --> 00:13:18,703
I'm not just cute, right?
382
00:13:18,698 --> 00:13:21,728
Like I--I'm not just
style over substance...
383
00:13:21,734 --> 00:13:23,174
- Does it matter?
384
00:13:23,170 --> 00:13:24,870
- It should.
385
00:13:24,872 --> 00:13:27,712
But you're really pretty,
and you smell like a pear.
386
00:13:39,987 --> 00:13:40,117
.
387
00:13:41,121 --> 00:13:41,491
[relaxed music]
388
00:13:44,057 --> 00:13:45,157
*
389
00:13:45,158 --> 00:13:46,488
- Hey, uh, can I
ask you a question?
390
00:13:46,493 --> 00:13:48,603
- Yeah, sure.
What's going on?
391
00:13:48,595 --> 00:13:50,625
- Uh, which of these headphones
would you recommend?
392
00:13:50,630 --> 00:13:52,500
- Personally, I like those.
393
00:13:52,499 --> 00:13:54,699
They got Bluetooth technology,
which is great.
394
00:13:54,701 --> 00:13:56,171
- Hey.
What's up with that?
395
00:13:56,169 --> 00:13:57,909
- Oh, I'm sorry.
396
00:13:57,905 --> 00:13:59,105
This has nothing to do with you.
397
00:13:59,106 --> 00:14:00,306
I'm just making this gesture
398
00:14:00,307 --> 00:14:02,637
to make sure any photo of me
is unusable.
399
00:14:05,112 --> 00:14:08,122
[rock music playing]
400
00:14:08,115 --> 00:14:11,945
*
401
00:14:11,952 --> 00:14:12,992
[crunch]
402
00:14:14,654 --> 00:14:16,094
- Hey.
- Hey!
403
00:14:16,089 --> 00:14:18,929
Hey. Hey. Ha-hah!
404
00:14:18,926 --> 00:14:20,826
- About before...
405
00:14:20,827 --> 00:14:22,757
I was just trying
to cheer Glenn up,
406
00:14:22,762 --> 00:14:26,672
but I should not have said that
the reporter was only interested
407
00:14:26,666 --> 00:14:28,496
in your ideas because
she was attracted to you.
408
00:14:28,501 --> 00:14:30,041
So...
409
00:14:30,037 --> 00:14:31,167
I am sorry.
410
00:14:33,006 --> 00:14:34,036
- Don't worry about it.
411
00:14:34,041 --> 00:14:36,211
But for the record,
412
00:14:36,209 --> 00:14:38,579
if someone had said that
to you, as a woman,
413
00:14:38,578 --> 00:14:40,548
you probably wouldn't have
been cool with it.
414
00:14:40,547 --> 00:14:41,747
- Yeah, I know.
That's wh--
415
00:14:41,748 --> 00:14:43,778
- Don't worry about it.
It's done!
416
00:14:43,783 --> 00:14:45,393
Teachable moment.
417
00:14:49,789 --> 00:14:52,059
Uh, you know, if the roles
were reversed...
418
00:14:52,059 --> 00:14:53,959
Oh, okay. Nope, sure.
419
00:14:53,961 --> 00:14:56,031
- Attention,
Cloud 9 employees:
420
00:14:56,029 --> 00:14:57,759
emergency meeting
in the break room.
421
00:14:57,764 --> 00:14:59,134
Now!
422
00:14:59,132 --> 00:15:01,272
I'm sorry to interrupt
all of your days,
423
00:15:01,268 --> 00:15:02,868
but I think this
would be a good time
424
00:15:02,869 --> 00:15:04,869
for me to go over
Cloud 9's policy
425
00:15:04,871 --> 00:15:07,541
on inappropriate sexual behavior
in the workplace.
426
00:15:07,540 --> 00:15:08,540
- Oh...
427
00:15:08,541 --> 00:15:10,211
- You said
this was an emergency!
428
00:15:10,210 --> 00:15:11,210
- I know what I said.
429
00:15:11,211 --> 00:15:12,451
- I was peeing!
430
00:15:12,445 --> 00:15:13,975
I had to cut myself off.
431
00:15:13,981 --> 00:15:15,751
It's very uncomfortable.
432
00:15:15,748 --> 00:15:18,448
- Now, before I start
this seminar,
433
00:15:18,451 --> 00:15:20,351
does anyone have something
they'd like to say?
434
00:15:22,222 --> 00:15:23,792
- Okay, fine.
435
00:15:23,790 --> 00:15:26,830
Sal and I are having sex
in the dressing rooms.
436
00:15:26,826 --> 00:15:29,996
[all groaning]
437
00:15:29,997 --> 00:15:31,197
Ugh.
438
00:15:31,198 --> 00:15:32,428
I don't even like him.
439
00:15:32,432 --> 00:15:34,132
I have self-esteem issues,
440
00:15:34,134 --> 00:15:37,574
and I think being with him
is a way of me punishing myself.
441
00:15:37,570 --> 00:15:38,870
It's messed up.
442
00:15:38,871 --> 00:15:40,211
- Shut up, Sandra.
443
00:15:40,207 --> 00:15:42,207
God, you are such a whiner.
Sit down.
444
00:15:43,743 --> 00:15:45,313
Anyone else?
445
00:15:48,281 --> 00:15:49,921
Okay.
446
00:15:49,916 --> 00:15:53,746
Well, then without further ado,
please watch this video
447
00:15:53,753 --> 00:15:57,093
on inappropriate sexual behavior
in the workplace.
448
00:15:58,691 --> 00:16:00,591
- Oh, my.
449
00:16:00,593 --> 00:16:02,363
- Okay!
450
00:16:02,362 --> 00:16:03,362
- [scoffs]
451
00:16:03,363 --> 00:16:04,863
- Jonah!
- Well, well, well.
452
00:16:04,864 --> 00:16:06,204
- Oh, my goodness.
453
00:16:06,199 --> 00:16:09,599
[all shouting]
454
00:16:09,602 --> 00:16:12,042
- My boy! That is my boy!
455
00:16:12,039 --> 00:16:13,539
- Ugh!
I just ate!
456
00:16:13,540 --> 00:16:16,640
- Is that how people
really kiss now?
457
00:16:16,643 --> 00:16:18,053
- I think we've seen enough.
458
00:16:18,045 --> 00:16:20,175
- Why would anybody
be attracted to Jonah?
459
00:16:20,180 --> 00:16:22,050
He looks like a villain
on the CW.
460
00:16:22,049 --> 00:16:23,479
- Uh, maybe it's
because she thought
461
00:16:23,483 --> 00:16:26,453
all of his brilliant ideas
were inside his mouth,
462
00:16:26,453 --> 00:16:28,523
so she had to, like,
get in there with her tongue
463
00:16:28,521 --> 00:16:29,621
and suck 'em out.
464
00:16:29,622 --> 00:16:31,362
- Mm-aww, aww!
- Oh, my God.
465
00:16:31,358 --> 00:16:33,158
You will spread your legs
for anyone
466
00:16:33,160 --> 00:16:34,860
who will write
a story about you, won't you?
467
00:16:34,861 --> 00:16:36,201
- That has nothing to do--
- Jonah.
468
00:16:36,196 --> 00:16:37,496
There's about 50 store rules
469
00:16:37,497 --> 00:16:39,067
broken on that tape.
470
00:16:39,066 --> 00:16:40,096
- I know.
- It is disgusting.
471
00:16:40,100 --> 00:16:41,170
- I'm sorry.
472
00:16:41,168 --> 00:16:42,968
- And there's just one thing
left to say.
473
00:16:42,969 --> 00:16:43,969
You're...
474
00:16:43,970 --> 00:16:44,970
safe now.
475
00:16:44,971 --> 00:16:46,071
Bring it in.
476
00:16:49,342 --> 00:16:50,642
[whispers]
Wow.
477
00:16:50,643 --> 00:16:53,083
You fit right in there
perfectly, don't you?
478
00:16:53,080 --> 00:16:54,210
[sighs]
479
00:16:54,214 --> 00:16:55,524
You've been sexually assaulted.
480
00:16:55,515 --> 00:16:56,515
- What?
- And...
481
00:16:56,516 --> 00:16:58,086
I was hoping
you could start to heal
482
00:16:58,085 --> 00:16:59,845
by admitting that here
in a safe place, but--
483
00:16:59,852 --> 00:17:01,322
- No, no, that's not--no.
484
00:17:01,321 --> 00:17:04,161
- You are obviously
very ashamed.
485
00:17:04,157 --> 00:17:05,657
- No. No, no.
486
00:17:05,658 --> 00:17:07,158
- Hey.
487
00:17:07,160 --> 00:17:08,900
[whispers]
You didn't do anything wrong.
488
00:17:08,895 --> 00:17:09,995
- I wasn't assaulted.
489
00:17:09,996 --> 00:17:11,226
It wasn't an assault.
It was...
490
00:17:11,231 --> 00:17:12,371
Both of us wanted--
- See?
491
00:17:12,365 --> 00:17:13,765
That's what happens.
- No, it was--
492
00:17:13,766 --> 00:17:15,136
- The person thinks
it's their fault.
493
00:17:15,135 --> 00:17:16,135
[approving murmurs]
494
00:17:16,136 --> 00:17:17,396
- It's called slut-shaming.
495
00:17:17,404 --> 00:17:18,414
- No, he's a victim.
496
00:17:18,405 --> 00:17:19,905
You're the only slut
in here, Sandra.
497
00:17:19,906 --> 00:17:21,906
- Maybe we should all
just stop talking about this.
498
00:17:21,908 --> 00:17:22,908
- No.
499
00:17:22,909 --> 00:17:24,739
- Or we could play it again
500
00:17:24,744 --> 00:17:26,654
and then do the voices
of what they're thinking.
501
00:17:26,646 --> 00:17:27,976
- Mm-hmm.
- Great.
502
00:17:27,980 --> 00:17:29,880
Sorry ev--
- Nope.
503
00:17:29,882 --> 00:17:32,352
Let's all give Jonah
a round of applause, everybody.
504
00:17:32,352 --> 00:17:33,992
He's had a hard day.
505
00:17:33,986 --> 00:17:34,986
[applause]
506
00:17:34,987 --> 00:17:36,117
- No. No, that's not--
507
00:17:36,123 --> 00:17:37,123
- Bravo!
508
00:17:37,124 --> 00:17:39,134
- Drink it in.
509
00:17:43,163 --> 00:17:43,303
.
510
00:17:44,264 --> 00:17:44,634
[upbeat music]
511
00:17:47,200 --> 00:17:51,440
*
512
00:17:51,438 --> 00:17:53,468
- I guess my philosophy of life
is "dare to dream..."
513
00:17:53,473 --> 00:17:54,473
- No...
514
00:17:54,474 --> 00:17:56,184
- But also dream to dare.
515
00:17:56,176 --> 00:17:58,206
But also daring to not--
516
00:17:58,211 --> 00:17:59,811
- Okay, so the article
that I'm writing
517
00:17:59,812 --> 00:18:02,782
is about the store in general
and not any one individual.
518
00:18:02,782 --> 00:18:05,192
- Oh. Okay.
519
00:18:05,185 --> 00:18:08,785
Well, if you do decide
to write an article about me,
520
00:18:08,788 --> 00:18:11,818
I'll be in the stockroom,
waiting.
521
00:18:11,824 --> 00:18:15,804
I'm willing to do
whatever it takes.
522
00:18:19,666 --> 00:18:20,996
Ugh, God.
523
00:18:22,169 --> 00:18:23,339
- [sighing]
Oh, God.
524
00:18:23,336 --> 00:18:25,236
- You are a journalist
and a rapist,
525
00:18:25,238 --> 00:18:27,538
and those are the two worst
things any person can be.
526
00:18:27,540 --> 00:18:29,710
Now, listen up,
Connie Chung.
527
00:18:29,709 --> 00:18:31,839
If you set foot
in this store...
528
00:18:31,844 --> 00:18:33,654
ever again...
529
00:18:33,646 --> 00:18:35,176
I will bring hell down on you.
530
00:18:40,187 --> 00:18:41,187
- [whispers]
Let's go.
531
00:18:41,188 --> 00:18:42,258
- Hey!
532
00:18:42,255 --> 00:18:44,885
Thank you so much
for coming today.
533
00:18:44,891 --> 00:18:46,061
- Oh, you're welcome.
534
00:18:46,058 --> 00:18:48,228
- You know, you never actually
got a picture of me.
535
00:18:48,228 --> 00:18:50,828
- Oh, darn.
- Uh, but, I'm free now.
536
00:18:50,830 --> 00:18:52,770
Are people still saying
"cheese"?
537
00:18:52,765 --> 00:18:54,195
- Uh...
- 'Cause, I don't want to...
538
00:18:54,201 --> 00:18:55,641
- Yeah, you know,
I wish I could,
539
00:18:55,635 --> 00:18:58,095
but this camera only holds
5 million photos.
540
00:18:59,406 --> 00:19:01,206
- Oh.
- Thanks, though.
541
00:19:02,975 --> 00:19:05,545
- Hold up.
542
00:19:05,545 --> 00:19:07,205
You haven't gotten
a picture of me yet.
543
00:19:07,214 --> 00:19:08,424
- Oh.
544
00:19:08,415 --> 00:19:09,945
- Why don't we get one
with my boy Glenn?
545
00:19:09,949 --> 00:19:12,449
- Yeah. Terrific.
546
00:19:12,452 --> 00:19:13,892
- Yeah?
- All right.
547
00:19:13,886 --> 00:19:15,356
- Yeah. All right.
548
00:19:16,356 --> 00:19:17,756
- Hey, reporter!
- [groans]
549
00:19:17,757 --> 00:19:19,727
- Will you listen to a song
for the jingle contest?
550
00:19:19,726 --> 00:19:20,926
- I'd love to.
551
00:19:20,927 --> 00:19:23,227
That's why I went
to journalism school.
552
00:19:23,230 --> 00:19:25,600
- * Cloud 9, come inside
553
00:19:25,598 --> 00:19:27,868
* Let the savings rain down
on you *
554
00:19:27,867 --> 00:19:29,537
* Ooh
555
00:19:29,536 --> 00:19:31,996
- That's...actually
surprisingly not terrible.
556
00:19:32,004 --> 00:19:33,314
- Really?
557
00:19:33,306 --> 00:19:34,736
Oh, my God, Bo.
She loves it.
558
00:19:34,741 --> 00:19:36,011
- I'm psyched.
559
00:19:36,008 --> 00:19:37,608
- Yeah, it's good.
It's a catchy tune.
560
00:19:37,610 --> 00:19:38,610
- [squeals]
561
00:19:38,611 --> 00:19:39,651
- Catchy?
562
00:19:43,550 --> 00:19:45,080
Thanks.
563
00:19:45,084 --> 00:19:46,254
- You know what?
564
00:19:46,253 --> 00:19:47,823
Forget about it.
565
00:19:47,820 --> 00:19:49,390
Bo is the man that I love,
566
00:19:49,389 --> 00:19:51,119
and I won't watch him
give up who he is,
567
00:19:51,123 --> 00:19:54,293
even if it means losing
millions of dollars.
568
00:19:54,294 --> 00:19:55,464
- Millions of dollars?
569
00:19:55,462 --> 00:19:57,262
- Yeah.
You can keep your stupid money.
570
00:19:57,264 --> 00:19:58,374
- Okay, just to be clear,
571
00:19:58,365 --> 00:20:00,325
the prize is a $10
Cloud 9 gift card.
572
00:20:00,333 --> 00:20:01,403
- You heard her.
573
00:20:01,401 --> 00:20:02,701
Don't be trying
to suck us back in
574
00:20:02,702 --> 00:20:04,272
with your fancy-ass
lawyer words.
575
00:20:04,271 --> 00:20:06,571
Here's what I think about that
contract right here.
576
00:20:06,573 --> 00:20:08,383
[tearing]
Ohh!
577
00:20:08,375 --> 00:20:09,635
Rip, rip, double rip.
578
00:20:09,642 --> 00:20:10,642
[mimics explosion]
579
00:20:10,643 --> 00:20:11,643
- That's not a contract.
580
00:20:11,644 --> 00:20:13,114
That was the directions
to my hotel.
581
00:20:13,112 --> 00:20:14,712
- Whatever, illuminati.
582
00:20:14,714 --> 00:20:17,724
[uplifting music]
583
00:20:17,717 --> 00:20:21,087
*
584
00:20:21,087 --> 00:20:23,457
- Hey, Stud.
585
00:20:23,456 --> 00:20:25,216
- Hey, listen.
586
00:20:25,224 --> 00:20:26,794
For the record...
587
00:20:26,793 --> 00:20:28,633
- It is none of my business.
588
00:20:28,628 --> 00:20:31,398
It was just two
consenting adults making out...
589
00:20:31,398 --> 00:20:32,968
next to 80 bags of kitty litter.
590
00:20:32,965 --> 00:20:34,095
But I'm not judging you.
591
00:20:34,100 --> 00:20:35,130
- [laughs]
592
00:20:35,134 --> 00:20:36,604
- So are you leaving, or...
593
00:20:36,603 --> 00:20:38,473
- Just waiting for my ride.
594
00:20:38,471 --> 00:20:40,571
- Hey. Let's go.
595
00:20:40,573 --> 00:20:43,283
My hotel's right
around the corner.
596
00:20:43,276 --> 00:20:45,236
- [laughing]
Wow.
597
00:20:45,244 --> 00:20:47,614
So you guys have, like,
more ideas to talk about.
598
00:20:47,614 --> 00:20:49,124
- Uh, no, no.
599
00:20:49,115 --> 00:20:51,445
It's like you said:
I'm just really, really, cute.
600
00:20:51,451 --> 00:20:52,691
- That's not what I said.
601
00:20:52,685 --> 00:20:54,385
- Like a panda.
602
00:21:04,331 --> 00:21:07,731
- The new issue
of "Stratus" is here.
603
00:21:07,734 --> 00:21:08,774
Oh, God.
604
00:21:08,768 --> 00:21:11,598
I'm so excited.
605
00:21:11,604 --> 00:21:13,544
Hot off the press.
606
00:21:20,413 --> 00:21:21,413
I made the cover.
607
00:21:21,414 --> 00:21:23,354
[laughs]
608
00:21:23,350 --> 00:21:24,480
I made the cover!
41078
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