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1
00:00:09,960 --> 00:00:12,600
Oh, get in!
2
00:00:19,680 --> 00:00:21,360
Hello.
3
00:00:21,480 --> 00:00:23,160
Well, hell-o!
4
00:00:24,440 --> 00:00:28,040
- How's your day been?
- It was, um...
5
00:00:28,160 --> 00:00:30,240
It was fine.
6
00:00:30,360 --> 00:00:32,440
The night perked up
the day no end.
7
00:00:32,560 --> 00:00:35,000
- Same here.
- Thank you for asking.
8
00:00:35,120 --> 00:00:36,880
I mean, not that
I'm being sarcastic.
9
00:00:37,000 --> 00:00:38,960
I mean, really,
thank you for asking.
10
00:00:39,080 --> 00:00:42,000
I had a spring in my step
for the first time in months.
11
00:00:42,120 --> 00:00:43,240
Happy to oblige.
12
00:00:43,360 --> 00:00:45,120
I hope it didn't feel
like an obligation.
13
00:00:45,240 --> 00:00:46,680
No, no, of course not.
14
00:00:46,800 --> 00:00:48,480
Although, as you pointed out
on many occasions,
15
00:00:48,600 --> 00:00:49,840
it sort of is within a marriage.
16
00:00:49,960 --> 00:00:52,000
Well, I think we should remain
entirely positive.
17
00:00:52,120 --> 00:00:53,760
Last night was
a big step forward for us
18
00:00:53,880 --> 00:00:55,560
in our current
circumstances.
19
00:00:55,680 --> 00:00:57,040
Agreed.
20
00:00:57,160 --> 00:00:59,160
I have been tweeting and
Instagramming about it all day.
21
00:00:59,280 --> 00:01:01,480
Instagramming?
22
00:01:01,600 --> 00:01:02,920
Oh, right.
23
00:01:03,040 --> 00:01:05,640
I note, however, that tweeting
would have been fine.
24
00:01:05,760 --> 00:01:07,800
- Did it feel weird?
- You first.
25
00:01:07,920 --> 00:01:10,200
Why should I answer
my own question?
26
00:01:10,320 --> 00:01:11,960
OK, but first I want
to ask you something.
27
00:01:12,080 --> 00:01:14,440
- Unconnected to the weirdness?
- Connected to the sex.
28
00:01:14,560 --> 00:01:16,600
Only tangentially connected
to the weirdness.
29
00:01:16,720 --> 00:01:17,680
OK.
30
00:01:17,800 --> 00:01:19,320
Was it, um...?
31
00:01:20,200 --> 00:01:23,120
- Did you enjoy it?
- Yes!
32
00:01:23,240 --> 00:01:27,040
Yeah, of... Yes!
Of course I... Of course I did.
33
00:01:28,480 --> 00:01:29,960
I mean...
34
00:01:30,080 --> 00:01:32,120
You have to answer my question
in light of that information.
35
00:01:32,240 --> 00:01:33,880
I didn't want
to make a fool of myself.
36
00:01:34,000 --> 00:01:36,160
- How would you have done that?
- If you'd said something like,
37
00:01:36,280 --> 00:01:37,560
"No, it was a complete
waste of time."
38
00:01:37,680 --> 00:01:39,560
A complete waste of...?
39
00:01:39,680 --> 00:01:42,840
I mean I guess I could
have been reading Proust.
40
00:01:42,960 --> 00:01:44,160
But I could have been doing that
41
00:01:44,280 --> 00:01:46,120
instead of every sexual
encounter I've ever had.
42
00:01:46,240 --> 00:01:47,520
Or during.
43
00:01:47,640 --> 00:01:50,280
I just meant some phrase
expressing dissatisfaction.
44
00:01:50,400 --> 00:01:53,320
No dissatisfaction whatsoever.
45
00:01:53,440 --> 00:01:54,880
So this is all
in the context of what was,
46
00:01:55,000 --> 00:01:56,120
to all intents and purposes,
47
00:01:56,240 --> 00:01:59,040
a mutually fulfilling
sexual experience.
48
00:01:59,160 --> 00:02:02,480
Mm, yes. No, you've chosen
the perfect language
49
00:02:02,600 --> 00:02:04,280
to describe our lovemaking
to a panel
50
00:02:04,400 --> 00:02:06,440
of parliamentary ombudsmen.
51
00:02:06,560 --> 00:02:07,440
Carry on.
52
00:02:07,560 --> 00:02:09,440
It felt weird.
53
00:02:09,560 --> 00:02:10,600
It did a bit.
54
00:02:10,720 --> 00:02:12,240
- You agree?
- Yeah.
55
00:02:12,360 --> 00:02:14,920
It was... Well, it just wasn't
like marital sex at all.
56
00:02:15,040 --> 00:02:17,960
I know. It was a bit like
I would imagine...
57
00:02:19,520 --> 00:02:21,480
...post-prison sex to be.
58
00:02:21,600 --> 00:02:23,200
Post-prison sex?
59
00:02:23,320 --> 00:02:24,960
Well, which one of us
has been in prison?
60
00:02:25,080 --> 00:02:27,120
Well, you. I mean,
more than me anyway.
61
00:02:27,240 --> 00:02:28,720
You can't describe it
comparatively.
62
00:02:28,840 --> 00:02:30,120
You've either been in
or you haven't.
63
00:02:30,240 --> 00:02:32,640
Well, we've both been in prison,
sexually speaking,
64
00:02:32,760 --> 00:02:33,800
I mean apart from my...
65
00:02:33,920 --> 00:02:35,080
- Mistakes.
- Yes, and you should know
66
00:02:35,200 --> 00:02:38,400
that my mistakes did not
in any way, um...
67
00:02:38,520 --> 00:02:39,920
Well, they didn't commute
the sentence,
68
00:02:40,040 --> 00:02:42,320
- if you see what I mean.
- No.
69
00:02:42,440 --> 00:02:44,120
Well, if the prison sentence
is defined
70
00:02:44,240 --> 00:02:48,040
by how much time you served
before... before release.
71
00:02:48,160 --> 00:02:52,080
Yeah, I don't know how you could
describe prison any other way.
72
00:02:52,200 --> 00:02:54,400
Yes, but if you're talking
about a sexual prison,
73
00:02:54,520 --> 00:02:57,280
you're talking
about sexual release so...
74
00:02:58,640 --> 00:03:00,440
Oh.
75
00:03:00,560 --> 00:03:02,280
And there was no release
of that kind?
76
00:03:02,400 --> 00:03:04,120
No.
77
00:03:04,240 --> 00:03:05,560
Well, that wasn't
what it was about.
78
00:03:05,680 --> 00:03:08,360
And I wasn't really in the right
frame of mind, anyway.
79
00:03:08,480 --> 00:03:10,040
Well...
80
00:03:10,160 --> 00:03:13,480
Well, that... That puts a whole
different complexion on things.
81
00:03:13,600 --> 00:03:17,360
If you don't mind me saying,
that's quite a relief to me.
82
00:03:17,480 --> 00:03:19,720
I slept with someone else
because I wasn't feeling close
83
00:03:19,840 --> 00:03:20,920
to any adult human being.
84
00:03:21,040 --> 00:03:24,640
I was...lonely
and I didn't feel wanted.
85
00:03:24,760 --> 00:03:25,880
Mm.
86
00:03:27,800 --> 00:03:29,840
Yeah.
No fireworks, though.
87
00:03:29,960 --> 00:03:33,400
No, no fireworks,
just warmth and solace.
88
00:03:35,560 --> 00:03:37,800
In terms
of the prison sex thing,
89
00:03:37,920 --> 00:03:39,640
what would I have been
in prison for?
90
00:03:39,760 --> 00:03:40,840
Oh, nothing bad.
91
00:03:40,960 --> 00:03:42,440
It must have been bad
by definition.
92
00:03:42,560 --> 00:03:43,600
Yeah, but tax evasion,
93
00:03:43,720 --> 00:03:45,280
insider trading,
that sort of thing.
94
00:03:45,400 --> 00:03:48,680
Those people are the pits,
also not terribly sexy.
95
00:03:48,800 --> 00:03:50,960
Neither are people who've been
lifting weights for 15 years
96
00:03:51,080 --> 00:03:52,440
and are covered in tattoos.
97
00:03:52,560 --> 00:03:54,160
I mean, I would be scared
to have sex with one of those.
98
00:03:54,280 --> 00:03:56,920
I can't imagine you would have
married one in the first place.
99
00:03:57,040 --> 00:03:58,600
No, but I might have met him
on Tinder
100
00:03:58,720 --> 00:03:59,920
or one of those things.
101
00:04:00,040 --> 00:04:02,120
All the same, I can't imagine
you would have...
102
00:04:02,240 --> 00:04:04,840
swiped whichever way you swipe.
103
00:04:04,960 --> 00:04:07,040
- How do you know you swipe?
- It's common knowledge.
104
00:04:07,160 --> 00:04:08,840
Not to me.
105
00:04:08,960 --> 00:04:10,240
So, just to be clear,
106
00:04:10,360 --> 00:04:16,240
it was good, honest,
non-threatening tax-evader sex
107
00:04:16,360 --> 00:04:18,760
rather than tattooed
manslaughter sex?
108
00:04:18,880 --> 00:04:22,080
Exactly, but actually,
without all the shortcomings
109
00:04:22,200 --> 00:04:24,320
that might be implied
by the prison sentence.
110
00:04:24,440 --> 00:04:26,720
What shortcomings
are implied by tax-evader sex?
111
00:04:26,840 --> 00:04:28,120
No, not the tax evasion.
112
00:04:28,240 --> 00:04:29,800
It's not the tax evasion
that's important.
113
00:04:29,920 --> 00:04:33,320
It's the release from prison,
so the obvious shortcomings.
114
00:04:33,440 --> 00:04:35,600
Oh, I think I managed
to avoid those.
115
00:04:35,720 --> 00:04:37,920
- You know you did.
- I thought I had.
116
00:04:38,040 --> 00:04:40,160
Still, good
to have it confirmed.
117
00:04:47,960 --> 00:04:50,240
But it wasn't just sex to you,
was it?
118
00:04:50,360 --> 00:04:52,920
- What do you mean?
- Without feelings.
119
00:04:54,600 --> 00:04:56,760
How would that work?
You think I just picked you up
120
00:04:56,880 --> 00:04:57,840
for a meaningless fling
121
00:04:57,960 --> 00:04:59,480
after we'd put
our children to bed?
122
00:04:59,600 --> 00:05:02,160
No, but I wondered
if I was just a body.
123
00:05:02,280 --> 00:05:03,400
I don't know,
it felt somehow
124
00:05:03,520 --> 00:05:05,960
as if you'd separated
my parts from me.
125
00:05:06,080 --> 00:05:07,560
I think that's just
the prison effect.
126
00:05:07,680 --> 00:05:09,640
I suppose so, yes.
127
00:05:09,760 --> 00:05:12,040
- And it was good sex.
- Yes, really good sex,
128
00:05:12,160 --> 00:05:15,200
but sort of unsettlingly good.
129
00:05:15,320 --> 00:05:17,680
Are you suggesting that we had
the wrong kind of sex?
130
00:05:17,800 --> 00:05:19,960
I thought any sex at this point
was the right kind of sex.
131
00:05:20,080 --> 00:05:22,520
That is what I thought
before yesterday.
132
00:05:23,880 --> 00:05:25,200
I remember...
133
00:05:25,320 --> 00:05:27,000
I think it was a couple of years
after the boys were born
134
00:05:27,120 --> 00:05:29,000
and you were feeling
fat and unattractive.
135
00:05:29,120 --> 00:05:30,280
Thank you.
136
00:05:30,400 --> 00:05:32,560
I didn't think
you were fat and unattractive.
137
00:05:32,680 --> 00:05:34,080
- Go on.
- Anyway, you asked me,
138
00:05:34,200 --> 00:05:35,960
right after we'd had sex,
139
00:05:36,080 --> 00:05:38,440
if I'd only wanted to
because I love you
140
00:05:38,560 --> 00:05:40,920
instead of...
because I fancied you.
141
00:05:41,040 --> 00:05:43,320
Well, that's what I felt then,
ten years ago,
142
00:05:43,440 --> 00:05:45,240
and now I feel
something different.
143
00:05:45,360 --> 00:05:48,240
But given that you've spent
the years from then until now
144
00:05:48,360 --> 00:05:51,760
in this industrial tumble-dryer
of motherhood,
145
00:05:51,880 --> 00:05:53,320
doesn't it feel good?
146
00:05:54,720 --> 00:05:56,680
- Meaning what exactly?
- Meaning,
147
00:05:56,800 --> 00:05:59,920
isn't it nice to be a sex object
in your 40s
148
00:06:00,040 --> 00:06:01,760
and exactly what you would
have wanted in your 30s
149
00:06:01,880 --> 00:06:03,240
when you were feeling
fat and unattractive?
150
00:06:03,360 --> 00:06:05,640
Can you stop saying those words
over and over again?
151
00:06:05,760 --> 00:06:09,320
Don't think that... Nobody
could accuse you of being fat.
152
00:06:09,440 --> 00:06:11,040
- But unattractive?
- Or unattractive.
153
00:06:11,160 --> 00:06:13,080
You waited
a beat too long there.
154
00:06:13,200 --> 00:06:15,960
You just basically admitted that
you thought I was fat back then.
155
00:06:16,080 --> 00:06:18,000
OK, I don't know
what to say now.
156
00:06:18,120 --> 00:06:20,440
Well, just say the right thing
and you won't have to worry.
157
00:06:20,560 --> 00:06:22,360
How about this?
158
00:06:22,480 --> 00:06:26,440
You were never fat and
I always find you attractive.
159
00:06:26,560 --> 00:06:29,720
And any type of sex with you
is the right kind of sex.
160
00:06:29,840 --> 00:06:31,240
God. Are you trying
to butter me up?
161
00:06:31,360 --> 00:06:32,920
- That depends. Is it working?
- I don't know.
162
00:06:33,040 --> 00:06:35,920
You getting out of prison
doesn't make me a sex object.
163
00:06:36,040 --> 00:06:37,800
It just means
I was conveniently placed.
164
00:06:37,920 --> 00:06:39,880
I hate to be unromantic,
165
00:06:40,000 --> 00:06:43,960
but convenient placement is
the definition of married sex.
166
00:06:44,080 --> 00:06:46,560
I put down my book, I look
to the other side of the bed
167
00:06:46,680 --> 00:06:48,680
- and there you are.
- Yes, but that's different.
168
00:06:48,800 --> 00:06:50,800
Last night
169
00:06:50,920 --> 00:06:53,840
it felt as though I was
a conveniently placed stranger.
170
00:06:53,960 --> 00:06:55,840
People pay a lot of money
to turn their husbands
171
00:06:55,960 --> 00:06:57,400
into conveniently placed
strangers.
172
00:06:57,520 --> 00:06:58,640
Oh, God.
Who do they pay?
173
00:06:58,760 --> 00:07:00,760
I'm talking about sex therapy
and whatnot.
174
00:07:00,880 --> 00:07:02,200
"Make it strange."
175
00:07:02,320 --> 00:07:04,200
Isn't that what they're always
saying? And it worked.
176
00:07:04,320 --> 00:07:06,080
But it's not gonna work
for long, though, is it?
177
00:07:06,200 --> 00:07:08,040
OK. I give up.
178
00:07:08,160 --> 00:07:09,280
Why? We're getting somewhere.
179
00:07:09,400 --> 00:07:11,160
No, we stopped making love
180
00:07:11,280 --> 00:07:13,080
because you were bored
and I knew it.
181
00:07:13,200 --> 00:07:15,000
And then we started again
and you weren't bored
182
00:07:15,120 --> 00:07:18,120
but you missed the boredom
because it made you feel weird.
183
00:07:18,240 --> 00:07:21,520
And now you're lamenting
the inevitable lack of weirdness
184
00:07:21,640 --> 00:07:22,840
if we do it more often.
185
00:07:22,960 --> 00:07:24,560
Yes, I see
that that could be confusing.
186
00:07:24,680 --> 00:07:26,680
But I don't like you saying
"if we do it again".
187
00:07:26,800 --> 00:07:28,240
- Why?
- Because in an ideal world
188
00:07:28,360 --> 00:07:30,280
I'd only want sex with you.
189
00:07:31,360 --> 00:07:32,560
Wow.
190
00:07:32,680 --> 00:07:35,120
- Is that really worth a "wow"?
- God, yes.
191
00:07:35,240 --> 00:07:38,920
I had no idea.
That's pretty romantic for you.
192
00:07:39,040 --> 00:07:42,000
Really? The "ideal world" part
is a pretty big get-out clause.
193
00:07:42,120 --> 00:07:43,440
Right.
194
00:07:43,560 --> 00:07:45,360
Because, let's face it,
this is not an ideal world.
195
00:07:45,480 --> 00:07:49,920
No. Wait, do you mean our world
or the actual world?
196
00:07:50,040 --> 00:07:52,760
I wouldn't necessarily need
the actual world to be ideal
197
00:07:52,880 --> 00:07:54,520
before committing
to monogamy, but...
198
00:07:54,640 --> 00:07:58,360
OK. Still, you weren't saying
quite as much as I thought.
199
00:07:58,480 --> 00:08:00,240
- Oh, shit.
- What?
200
00:08:00,360 --> 00:08:02,760
Oh, no, she's on her own.
201
00:08:02,880 --> 00:08:04,520
Oh, dear.
202
00:08:04,640 --> 00:08:06,440
Well, he probably just
wasn't well enough to come.
203
00:08:06,560 --> 00:08:08,080
Hopefully, otherwise...
204
00:08:08,200 --> 00:08:09,880
Maybe it's nothing
to do with his health.
205
00:08:10,000 --> 00:08:12,400
Maybe they've split up. Maybe
he told her where to get off.
206
00:08:12,520 --> 00:08:14,520
Maybe she's shagging
around. That'd be good.
207
00:08:14,640 --> 00:08:15,920
Why would that be good?
208
00:08:16,040 --> 00:08:17,560
I thought you'd take
rather a dim view of infidelity.
209
00:08:17,680 --> 00:08:19,200
I take rather a dim view
of your infidelity.
210
00:08:19,320 --> 00:08:21,680
I don't care about hers.
211
00:08:21,800 --> 00:08:25,080
Why? Because it means
there's still fight?
212
00:08:25,200 --> 00:08:27,560
Yes, exactly that.
213
00:08:28,400 --> 00:08:30,640
There's still life.
214
00:08:30,760 --> 00:08:32,480
Nothing's fixed.
215
00:08:32,600 --> 00:08:35,320
Everything's uncertain
and I like that.
216
00:08:35,440 --> 00:08:38,880
Nothing is irreversible.
See, isn't that the point?
217
00:08:39,000 --> 00:08:40,760
You can still look around to see
what's available
218
00:08:40,880 --> 00:08:42,160
no matter how old you are.
219
00:08:43,680 --> 00:08:45,800
That's right.
220
00:08:45,920 --> 00:08:48,960
I think you should
move back in.
16888
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