All language subtitles for S03E15 Amnesty

- This never gets old.
- Why are you doing this?

Because this job is incredibly boring.

So, Kelly, do you, like, hate Amy now?

What? No.

This was before I even
started working here...

- Yes.
- And... and it was just a kiss.

Yes, exactly. Thank you, Kelly.

Uh-oh...

looks like we got ourselves a catfight.

Amy frenched her man,

and now they're gonna throw down.

How did you get there from...

Synced and corrected by hawken45
for www.addic7ed.com

So, then I go, "I'm undocumented,"

and then Jeff goes,
"That's why you dumped me?"

And I go, "Yeah," and he goes, "Whoa,"

and I go, "Mm-hmm."

- And what'd he go?
- He was... weird.

He said he didn't know
what to do and he just left.

I mean, what if he hates me?

- He doesn't hate you.
- He might.

For all I know, he's reported me by now.

I'm sure he didn't. If he did, then,

you know, a bunch of guys in uniform

would've busted in here by now all like,

"Everyone, down on the ground!

Black-bag that guy
and throw him in the van."

Soldiers would pop out of the ceiling,

and just start pounding on you,

like, knee to the face,
knee to the head,

crotch-punch, crotch-punch!

And then, you'd probably
get sent to Guantanamo.

Uh-huh.

Probably.

Man, how weird are sponges?

You guys looking for condoms?

- They're right here.
- Shut up, Corey.

You know I have the power to fire you.

- Do you?
- I don't know.

I'm just so annoyed with everybody

and this stupid video.

It'll pass.

You remember Robin
with that whole sexting thing?

Nobody even mentions it anymore.

Robin killed himself.

Oh...

- Still, though.
- Uh-oh.

Back to the scene of
the crime, you guys.

That's porn music, it's not "Seinfeld."

We get it. Point taken.

- Yeah, you really zinged us.
- You really zinged each other.

You should write for Craig Ferguson.

- Just ignore it.
- That's what I'm doing.

You guys looking for the condoms?

Corey already said that.

Hey, Corey, you stole my condom joke.

I just keep thinking about

Jonah and Amy kissing each other.

Okay... are you imagining

that you're the Jonah or you're the Amy?

What? No. I mean, Amy was married.

I thought they were both good people,

and then... and then they...

they still wound up committing adultery.

I don't know why you're so shocked.

People are basically just monsters

hiding behind the thin veneer
of social convention.

Oh, come on.

I mean, uh, yeah, sure, there's a
few Naughty Nathans out there,

but most people are basically good.

I watch security footage

of people who don't know
they're on camera.

Do you have any idea how many customers

have taken poops
on the floor of the store

because they think they're alone?

I don't wanna know!

- Is it zero?
- 17.

Well, that's on me for asking.

People are monsters.

Take away the threat of punishment,

and you'd be horrified by
what people admitted to doing.

One of you has committed
a serious malfeasance,

and I'm not talking
about Amy's adultery.

All right, "adultery" is a strong word.

Heck yeah it is.

What I'm talking about
is something else.

This is a fireable offense.

However, we're giving
that person one chance.

You come forward today,
admit what you did,

and we will forget everything.

Okay, but how do we know
if the thing that we did

is the thing you're talking about?

That's why anyone who comes to us today

and admits to doing something wrong

will be granted full amnesty.

How do we know if you
tell you something,

you're not gonna,
you know, call Corporate

- or the government or something?
- Yeah, sounds like a trap.

No, I promise, you will not be punished,

I swear on the... on the
grave of my father.

I swear on my birds.

- Okay.
- Oh, wow.

- She does love birds.
- Yeah.

What do you think someone did?

- I don't know.
- Who do you think did it?

- Still don't know.
- When do you think it even...

I don't have any more
information than you do.

Man, I just wish I had known

that they were giving out amnesty.

I would've broken a rule.

Hold on a second...

we have till the end of the
day to confess, right?

Yeah.

I think we may have stumbled
onto a "Purge" type situation.

We can break one rule today
with no consequences.

Oh... like, we could wear hats.

That's against dress code.

Okay, so you could do anything you want,

and you wanna waste it on a hat?

Okay, um... how 'bout we steal a boat?

Well, we don't sell boats,

but I like that you're thinking bigger.

Right.

Also, I just remembered,
I get kinda seasick,

so the boat thing is definitely a no-go.

Okay, well, we were never
gonna do the boat thing,

- but cool.
- Okay.

Hey, Jeff, um, third call.

Just still really wanting
to see how you were feeling

about the whole undocumented thing,

or if you're mad at me or not,

of if you told anyone or didn't,

or would or wouldn't.

I...

Sorry, this weird lady's looking at me.

Well, it's been over an hour

and not one employee has confessed,

and I found a dollar on the floor,

- so eat peas.
- Ooh, an American dollar?

It's all cryptocurrency now, ya dino.

Can someone please open a register?

I have kind of a shrimp emergency.

All the registers should be open.

Well, I'm not being dramatic.

My wife is gonna murder me.

Where is everyone?

All right, let's all take a number.

We're gonna get to everyone.

There's just so many of you.

So, um, I might have
done something wrong,

but, um, I'm not sure

if it's the same thing
you guys are talking about.

Well, why don't you just
tell us what it is?

Then we'll tell you if your thing

is the same thing we're talking about.

Mm-hmm, mm-hmm, or, uh...

why don't you tell me your thing first,

then I'll say if it's the
same thing as... my thing?

I mean, that sounds better to me.

How 'bout this, you tell us
the first letter of your thing,

and then we'll know
if we're on the same page.

Okay, fine.

- Um, the letter "U"?
- Yes, "U."

The thing we know about
also starts with "U."

Okay, now give me the second letter,
and then we can just go back and forth.

- Just tell us what you know!
- You tell me what you know!

Utah!

Hey. What are you doing?

Eating my lunch.

Trying to stay away from all the looks

- and the comments and...
- Yeah.

Kinda tired of telling people
to mind their own business.

So, I know this may come as a surprise,

but I actually got teased a lot
in middle school.

No.

Yeah, I don't know if it was the rattail

or the eighth grade talent show

where I did a Bossa Nova rendition

of "Material Girl" on alto sax...

That. It was that.

But the moment I stopped fighting it

and... and actually just
laughed along with them,

- it wasn't fun for them anymore.
- Mm.

They started teasing
this fat kid instead,

which, long story short,
he's a male model now.

Wow. You're really
the hero of that story.

I guess so.

Uh-oh, hope I'm not
interrupting anything.

What is that?

Sex.

No, it's not.

I think you mean this.

- Oh, like this?
- Yeah, there you go.

Oh...

This is nice.

Okay, so, I'm the one who's been
stealing the shopping carts,

uh, but they're not for me.

I give 'em to the homeless.

- Tha... that's not too bad!
- I just give 'em the carts.

They do the battling on their own.

What? Battling?

I've been smoking weed in the stock room

- on Wednesdays and Fridays.
- What?

Right under our noses. How awful.

And on Mondays and
Thursdays, I just drink.

And on Saturdays,

I go to the Cinnabon and go nuts.

It's so good.

I stole a pack of
Sour Cherry Bubblicious.

- Well, that's not too bad.
- I liked the Sour Cherry,

because it reminded me of
a Jollytime Zabra-Dabra.

My uncle Frank worked
for the Jollytime Factory.

It's this new web series
thing I'm working on.

The elevator pitch is
bum fights on crack.

So, you know how me
and Carol hate each other...

well, I hate her.
Actually, she looks up to me.

Anyway, I paid four different
guys to come into the store

and ask her out and then never show up.

Nice.

I've been doing things
to Sandra's lunch.

An electrical spark at the factory

ignited the corn starch,

causing a big explosion
on the third floor...

maybe it was the fourth floor.

What floor did Uncle Frank work on?

- The fourth floor!
- No!

- Oh, gosh.
- Yes.

So, you film homeless people

smashing each other with our carts?

Sometimes, I'll just
give one of 'em a cart

and the other a stick or a trashcan lid.

It's barbaric.

What is happening in this store?

Aw, it's not just this store,
it's the whole world.

Now, you just keep
that same face right there...

Huh?

That is going on my wall

right next to the picture of me
with the guy who played Balki.

Bronson Pinchot.

I don't know what you're saying to me.

There's that hat rule: "not allowed."

Okay, we're not just hatting this.

There has to be something
in-between maiming someone

and putting on a fedora.

"Employees should avoid
discussing racial issues,

including positive comments such as,

"I for one am proud of
this Mexican's achievements.""

Most of this stuff
is stuff I don't wanna do

or doesn't even apply.

"A female employee's skirt
shall start below the knee,

and her bosom shall be fully covered"?

- That's a rule?
- Yeah.

Most days, I don't even wear underwear,

mainly 'cause mentioning that
gets me free donuts

from whoever's working café.

Couldn't you just lie about that?

They would know.

I would know.

Hey, you okay? Guy trouble is not fun.

Oh, uh, yeah, thanks,

but Jonah and I are...
we're totally fine.

Oh, that's great.

Well, I just want you to know
I have your back.

That's really sweet.

Should we do something to Amy's car?

What?

Or wait... she has a daughter, right?

Oh, she loves that daughter.

Yeah, I... I like her daughter too.

It's always gonna be people like us

against the Amy's and the
Sandra's of the world.

We're the same. You and I are the same.

Yep.

- Careful.
- Oh...

Oh, hey.

Do you guys want us to
leave you alone with this bed?

Yeah?

Um, you know what, Corey, yes.

Could you hit the lights
on your way out?

'Cause we were just
about to have a nooner.

Yeah, unless, you know,
anybody wants to stick around

and... and film all the banging
that we're gonna do.

- That's a good idea.
- Oh, did you hear that?

- They said they were gonna bang.
- Admitted it.

Oh, yeah, bangin' and proud of it.

Watch out, Cloud 9's about
to get real hot up in here!

- Uh-oh!
- Uh-oh!

It's not fun when you're into it.

Come on, you guys,
you're being annoying now.

You know, what's
annoying is being around

this hottie all day long

and just not getting to make out.

You know, it's like
our lips are magnets.

Every time we see each other,
it's like, "Hi, Jonah..."

"Whoa-oh-oh, oh, my God,
can't control my lips.

- Uh-oh"...
- "Uh-oh! Watch out!"

That... that was an accident...

- We didn't mean to do that.
- But you... yeah.

Yeah, because you were going in...

Guys, something just happened!

- I thought you were going...
- Uh, yeah... no, I... we were...

Except we didn't actually kiss.

The whole thing just got
blown out of proportion.

But your lips were touching her lips...

Yeah, yeah, yeah, but it...
it's... it's like CPR, you know?

If... if... if you're
giving someone CPR,

- are you kissing them?
- Were you giving her CPR?

No, no, look, we were just
pretending we wanted to kiss,

okay, so that people would stop
saying we wanted to kiss.

That sounds stupid.

I mean... seriously?

This is all Sandra.

I'm taking a Learning Annex course.

It's impressive.

Thank you all for coming
on such short notice.

Uh, Glenn, before we get started,

I just wanted to say
that I'm wearing a hat,

which I know is against the rules.

- And boom! Amnesty.
- Ok... okay.

Uh, as you all know, from time to time,

we have a guest speaker...

We've literally never done that.

So... I would like to
introduce you to Pastor Craig.

You know the rules
about religion at work.

And I get amnesty today,
so why don't you go kiss a table?

There is something wrong with the souls

- of the people who work here...
- Amen.

And I am not just gonna stand back

and let this place become
Times Square, New York City!

- Hallelujah.
- Yeah.

- Pastor Craig?
- Mm.

- They're all yours.
- All right.

Hmm...

All right, man, what is this?
What are you doing to us?

- Stop it!
- What's your name, Miss?

Justine.

Well, Justine...

I love you.

- I love you too.
- I love all of you, all right?

And I don't care what you've done.

God hates the sin,

but he loves the sinner.

Example: Sandra...

Who is Sandra? Where is, uh...

All right.

Now, Sandra, it... it says here

that you wanna kill
a coworker named Carol.

Ye

Oh. Oh, Sandra, I understand.

When I'm frustrated,
I wanna wring someone's neck.

Exactly. Wring it hard.

So, what do you do?

What do you do when that
feeling comes over you?

Well, I... put on a hoodie
that covers my face.

Then I take the 47 bus line

to a library in a far-away town.

Then I open a private browser
on one of their computers,

and Google how I'm
thinking of killing her

to see what mistakes
people usually make.

Jesus.

All right, everybody blow it out.

Come on, blow it out.

Blow out the sin!

Blow it on out. Blow it on out.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa... you feel that?

I think it just got
a little lighter in here.

I felt it, big time.

Hallelujah.

So, keep breathing, blow out those sins,

and forgive yourself.

All right, Amen.

All right, so, I think, we're good here.

Uh, do you guys sell those
tire air-pressure tester...

- what do you call those things,
- No, no, that's it?

- The small...
- Tire gauge.

Yes, thank you. I need a tire gauge.

I told ya, you take away the punishment,

you find out what people really are.

Wait, what? What are you talking about?

There was no fireable offense.

Dina said that people were monsters,

and as a Christian, I wanted
to prove that they weren't.

Actually, we Christians believe
that all people are sinners.

It's, uh... it's kind
of our whole thing.

So, wait, Jeff didn't say anything?

Why? What would Jeff have said?

I don't know, he's a liar.

I mean, he's always
lying about stuff, so...

But Dina was right.

We are all monsters,

who love to watch bum fights

or put gross stuff
in each other's lunches.

Oh, I know that Carol
messes with my lunch.

That's why I always make a decoy lunch.

You don't think I know
about the decoy lunch?

And even Amy and Jonah...
you had an affair.

Glenn, it wasn't an affair,
it was one kiss,

and it happened because we
thought we were about to die.

We all thought we were gonna die.

You didn't see me smooching the
first lady person I could find.

Weren't you praying to Allah
the whole time?

- Yes.
- Oh.

- What... no, I didn't...
- Glenn...

I am not the one on trial here.

You know what, nobody's on trial, okay?

- Nobody.
- We all make mistakes.

We all have lust in our hearts.

- That wasn't lust.
- I wouldn't say lust.

Well, I'm sorry, I don't know
you guys that well.

Maybe you're in love then.

- No. We're not in love.
- No, definitely not love.

So you say,

but Lord, I'm sensing something
going on right here.

- Y'all feel that?
- Ooh!

Right up there. Y'all feel that?

Something good...
Great, this again. Woohoo.

No, uh, actually,
we're... we're dating, so...

Oh, uh, tire gauge girl.

Okay.

So, what is it, guys?
Is it love or lust?

All right, guys, enough is enough.

It doesn't matter.

Even if they were soul mates,
it doesn't make it okay.

Look, Amy is not my soul mate, okay?

Yes, fine, uh,

when I first started
working here years ago,

I... I had a little crush on Amy.

There, I said it. Okay? Are you happy?

Exactly. And at one point,

I had a crush on Jonah,
and that's all in the past.

Exactly.

Wait, what did... you... when did you...

did... what... you... yeah... no.

Never mind. Doesn't
matter, doesn't matter,

because if... even if we...

because it... with the timing
and everything, it's...

yeah, so, you get it.

So... stop.

- He didn't know.
- Do you still love each other?

- Wh... What?
- No! We never...

we've moved on.

Uh-huh. Uh-huh. Uh-huh.

And, you know... and...

anyway, it... it...
it doesn't matter, bec...

we've... we've all, you know...

and... and... and besides,
you know, I've...

I'm with... I've got... I'm with, um...

- Kelly.
- I'm with Kelly.

Yeah, no, I... I...
I know your name, obviously.

- Guys, this is amazing.
- Yeah.

Yeah, I'm generally a cynic,

but this? Wow.

She didn't know that he didn't know,

and now he knows that she knows...

We [bleep] get it, Sandra.

So, do you guys think he
should be with Kelly or Amy?

- I'm kind of Team Amy now.
- Yeah.

I'm with you. I'm fully shipping them.

- Yeah.
- Mm-hmm.

Oh, hey, Ame.

'Sup?

Oh, hey, guys. What's up?

We're... we're just having
normal workplace conversations.

- All: Yeah.
- Mm-hmm.

Mm-hmm. Sure.

Yep. How are you doing with everything?

There it is. You know me.

Struggling to keep it in my pants.

With Jonah roaming
around here somewhere,

I'm just like, "Give it to me, Jonah."

That's a good one.

Mm-hmm.

Yep, gonna go find him now

and just, like, do him, you know?

Soft lines? More like hard lines.

Get it?

Watching your world view get shattered

has been the highlight of my year,

and that includes
meeting that Balki guy.

- Bronson Pinchot.
- What does that mean?

Hey, guys, I'm taking off.

Garrett... let's get this over with.

- Get what over with?
- What did you do?

Did you make two nuns
fight a prostitute?

- Broil a child?
- Nah, I didn't do anything.

I'm very, very sorry to say,

but, uh, I haven't broken any rules.

Really? So, you've never
gotten stoned at work

or... or hit golf balls
off the checkout?

You've never taken a video game home,

played it, repackaged it,
and put it back on the shelf?

No.

I mean, those are all things
I probably could've done,

but did not.

Garrett... you little rule follower.

I found a good one!

His ability to delude himself

is the only impressive thing about him.

I think I was just
disoriented in the moment,

but I am not cool
with him kissing my head.

Hey.

- Kelly.
- Uh... yes, I know your...

Look, uh, I was just flustered,
you know, back there.

Yeah, sure. Well, it's very flustering

when you find out that the girl
you like likes you back.

No, no, I just...

everything just got
blown out of proportion.

Let me ask you this,

if... if your crush had timed out
with Amy's crush,

- would we be together right now?
- Yes.

- Really?
- Really.

Look, I don't want this whole
Amy thing to set us back.

I wanna...

I wanna move forward with you.

Like move in together?

Yeah. Why not?

I mean, if... if you want to.

Do... do you want to?

Do... well, sure, yeah.

I mean, I would... yeah.

Yeah, great, okay.

Cool, then we're doing it.
We're... we're living together.

- Oh. Uh...
- All right.

Chad, it's Mateo.

Do... I know I've said
some horrible things about you

in the comments of your Instagram,

but, you know, I can't find Jeff,

and I've been calling the office...

I quit my job.

Uh, Chad, I'm gonna call you back.

Uh, probably not, actually.

- Jeff...
- You wanna get a drink?

Sure.

- Nice shirt.
- You think?

It's the one Matt Damon wore at
the end of "The Bourne Identity."

That's so cool.

Right on.

I can return it, if you don't like it.