All language subtitles for S03E14 Safety Training

Cheese, what is it?

- Dried milk.
- Uh, no.

- I don't think that's true.
- It is. It is, Amy.

It's in a PowerPoint.

Now, we all know the standard cheeses.

American cheese,
cheddar cheese, pizza cheese.

But what if I told you
there's one more out there?

- Pepper jack?
- No.

- Gouda?
- Swiss!

- Kraft Singles.
- Goat, Parm, blue, ricotta.

- I could name at least ten more.
- No, you guys, it's not...

- You knowhat's really good?
- Grilled cheese.

Hot tip, Kelly.

No, guys, stop just
yelling out random words.

You're throwing me off.

But what if I told you
there's one more out there?

Human cheese!

Oh, my God, is that what this is?

I've had five samples already.

No, no, this is just
cut-up string cheese.

I don't have enough money
for a prototype.

But it'll basically be
exactly like that, I think.

So who's ready to invest in the breast?

It'll be udder-ly amazing!

- That's cows.
- Damn it, Sandra!

You're messing with my flow.

Ugh.

Cheese, what is it?

Dried milk.

Synced and corrected by hawken45
for www.addic7ed.com

Ooh.

Just like a couple of plums

nestled in a pair of Dockers, huh?

- What?
- Jonah's butt.

- That you're staring at.
- No, I'm not star...

- I'm not staring at anything.
- Oh, sorry.

Just, you told me
about your crush on Jonah,

and I'm an ass gal,
so I guess I just assume

- everyone's an ass gal...
- Shh, Dina!

- What?
- It's not a crush.

And plus, I told you that in private.

But just so you know,

Kelly's gonna start suspecting something

- if you keep lashing out at her.
- What are you talking about?

I don't lash out at Kelly.

Hey, Sandra, do you remember any time
that Amy was lashing out at Kelly?

January 4th, you said,
"Kelly, I assume you've been

to a monster truck rally."

January 12th, you said,
"Two people saying you look

like Reese Witherspoon
is not a lot of people."

- Okay, we got it.
- Thanks, Sandra.

January 20th, you said, "Wow, did they
teach you that at pageant school?"

January 21st, you said, "Wow, did they
teach you that at pageant school?"

- Okay, we got it Sandra.
- Thank you.

- Kelly!
- Hi.

Kelly, Kelly, Kelly.

Sorry, I'm working as fast as I can.

- I just have a few more left.
- Oh, no, no worries.

I'm not here to rush you,

I just came over to say, "Hey, girl."

Oh, "Hey, girl" back.

Hey, girl.

Yep, just, um, came on over
to hang out with my friend.

- We're friends?
- Yes.

I mean, sorry, it's just sometimes

it seems like you don't like me.

Oh, you mean because
sometimes I razz you?

Oh, my God, Kel, you know I'm,
like, the joker of the store.

Because you wear all that lipstick?

It's just gloss, and I only
wear a little bit of it.

No, because I joke around with everyone,

- especially my friends.
- Really?

Yes, of course.

You cutie.

Oh oh!

Someone's in trouble.

- Oh, my God.
- I hung that sign.

Well, it was probably
just a faulty anchor.

What anchor?

- You didn't bolt the anchor?
- There's bolts too?

Guys, I'm telling you, the
human mammary dairy market

is about to explode.

Question: if I invest,
can I still eat regular cheese?

Dude.

No.

Hey, how about you guys?

Who's ready to join
the boob cheese revolution?

Uh, sorry, I was distracted.

That guy has a real gay
Dothraki vibe going,

and #Intolt.

- You should go help him.
- You want me to just

- go up there and talk to him?
- It's literally your job.

Do it. Do it. Do it. Do it.

Do you guys just hate chants?
Be honest with me.

I am so screwed. This is, like,
my third screwup this week.

I'm gonna get in so much trouble.

- What happened?
- Who put this up?

Um, Glenn, I...

It was me. I did it.

- Amy, you don't have to...
- It's okay, girl. I got you.

- Amy, you did this?
- Mm-hmm, yeah.

I was just rushing, and I
forgot to anchor the bolt.

So you used duct tape?

Yes, I did.

I really, really didn't
think that one through.

Okay, but...

you got to be careful.
These things are heavy.

Yes.

- Clean it up.
- I will. Will do.

Thank you so much.

You did not have
to take the blame for me.

It's totally fine. I got you, girl.

- It's all good, friend.
- Aw.

And plus, no one got hurt, so no biggie.

Hey.

Don't you hate Tuesdays?

Oh, my God.

Why would you take the blame
for Kelly's mistake?

Look, I was trying to show her
that we're friends.

Oh, this is about the Jonah crush.

- Shh.
- Man, that secret

just keeps getting tastier and tastier.

Mmm, that is one good secret.

Okay, that's enough.
Look, can you please

just not tell anyone?

Hey, like I said, you can count on me.

And if you want to sell the lie,

I will sell this lie hard.

What... what... what...
what are you doing?

I'm trying to work up enough saliva

so that we can do a spit handshake.

It's just, I've got such drymouth.

I think it's the pregnancy.

Oh, don't worry about it.

- We're good.
- No, no, no, no.

Just give me a second. I'll get there.

Oh, God, okay.

No, Dina, really, I'm good. I trust you.

Well, now I'm like a sprinkler.

It won't stop coming out.

Does it hurt when you rotate it?

Of course it does.

I got assaulted by a giant pot of gold.

- Everything hurts.
- Hey, man.

When I cut off my thumb
with the deli slicer,

corporate gave me 200 bucks
just for promising not to sue.

When I shattered my nose,
I held out and got $1,000.

Wait, you can negotiate?

No one told me that I can negotiate.

Man, you should have held out.

You could have already
launched Boob Cheese.

Ugh...

I wonder how much I could get.

I mean, I'm not a very good negotiator.

I just always want people to like me.

Is that...

- true?
- Yes!

- I'm nice.
- Well, if you want,

I could help you with the negotiation.

Actually, that's not a bad idea.

I mean, you are relentless and annoying.

I was going to say because I
took a year of business school,

but I will take that as a compliment.

It's not, but, you know,
you hear what you want to hear.

- You are nice.
- Maybe I should get hurt again

and hold out for that big money.

Mm-hmm, I definitely
think that's a good idea.

- I feel so bad.
- I didn't know

Mateo was gonna get hurt
when you took the blame.

Don't worry about it. It's like I said.

We're friends, and, you know, it's like,

bitches before snitches, you know?

Well, I am taking you out
for drinks tonight as a thank-you.

You, me, half-off margaritas.
Like I always say,

there's nothing a little
dancing on a bar can't solve.

Wow, did they teach you that
in pageant sch...

I mean, that is very wise
and well-observed.

I'm very excited.

Hey, don't you help her.

This was Amy's mess, and she
needs to clean it up herself,

or she will never learn.

I'll just text you tonight

about what I'm thinking of wearing.

See, she does not suspect a thing.

All right. Clean this up for real.

One...

two...

Nope.

Damn it!

Uh, just trying to cut off my thumb.

I'm sorry, why is Jonah here?

Oh, I'm just here to give Mateo advice.

I went to business school for a year.

- Before flunking out.
- Irrelevant.

Fine, okay. Uh, for the record,

I should point out that Mateo and I
previously had a romantic relationship,

but I'm confident that we can
keep everything professional.

I would also like the record to reflect

that your outfit makes you look like

the assistant debate coach
of an Ohio middle school.

Your objection is noted.

Okay, uh, without accepting
any liability for your injury,

Cloud 9 would like to offer you $1,000.

I'll take this.

- No.
- No?

What do you mean, no?
You don't want the money?

Oh, we want the money, Jeff.

- But we want the real money.
- Yes.

Okay, well, that is the real money.

The offer is $1,000.
Take it or leave it.

We will take the $1,000.

Ah!

Hey, Amy.

I thought I'd have Sandra work with you.

Oh, no, that's okay. I got this.

Yeah, but wouldn't it be nice
to have some company?

You know, someone to help you
and watch over you?

Oh, okay. I see.

What? It's not that I don't trust you

or that I'm worried that
you'll injure someone else.

No, no, of course not.

I mean, you just said
it wasn't those things,

so it's probably not those things.

Right.

It's a different reason.

Like?

- I will tell you later.
- Yep.

Check issued upon completion
of background check?

What does that mean?

Mm, that seems pretty standard.

They probably just want to make sure
you didn't do anything illegal.

Illegal, like being
in this country illegally?

All right, I just got off
the phone with corporate,

and things are all good on their end.

Are you done signing?

Uh, um...

you know what? I have decided to pass.

We're gonna pass.

- What?
- Yeah, so...

I mean, no need for any of this.

- Mm-mm.
- Um...

I'm gonna go, and, um...

good luck to you
in all your future endeavors.

Excuse me.

Sorry the deal fell through.

Lot of great back-and-forth, though.

Good sparring with you, buddy.
All right.

Just go. Just go.
Just go when you say go.

Just go when you say the word "go."

Go on the word "go."

Go!

Ahh, damn it!

Damn it! Bad!

- Compromising safety harness.
- I was just loosening it.

Okay, but now you're not secure.

I am secure, Sandra.
And also, could you, like,

maybe move, like, two inches that way?

You're in my space.

Glenn told me to stay close to you.

And also, I'm terrified of heights,

so I feel like the ground
is always just kind of

- coming up at me...
- Okay, fine, fine.

It's just making this
a lot more difficult.

- Oh!
- Almost dropped sign.

Almost? Are you serious?

You're writing down almost mistakes now?

- Now you're losing your temper.
- No, I'm not losing my temper, Sandra.

I just don't think that you need to be
writing down every single little thing.

Stop!

- No, you stop it.
- Glenn gave that to me!

- Back up, Sandra.
- We're moving!

- We're going to die!
- Oh, my God!

I need you to back up...

Sandra, you're on me!

Sandra, you're pushing me
into the lever!

Sandra, snap out of it!

Bloopers on a TV show are delightful.

But in the workplace,
they can be dangerous.

So I thought that some of us

who have had a couple of incidents

could review some basic safety training.

Now, when would you
put out one of these?

- On the holidays?
- No.

Anyone?

Now, when you're cleaning up that spill,

you want a nice swaying motion.

Think of it like you
took your mop to a dance.

Okay, and dance with her.

One, two, three.

One, two, three.

One, two, three. One, two, three.

Okay, all right.

Whoa!

What are you doing?

I'm trying to get injured.

It's just hard to make myself do it.

You know, the problem is,
you can see it coming.

Yes, obviously that's the problem.

You know, maybe,
and I'm just spitballing here,

but maybe you have someone else do it

so you're not expecting it.

That's not a bad idea.

Do you think you could do it?

Me? Wow.

Whoof, that's unexpected.

Hmm, yeah, I'll do it. I'd be honored.

I can't believe I have
to walk away from $1,000

- just because I'm undocumented.
- It's so unfair.

This country was built
on the backs of immigrants...

Okay, calm down.
I can tell my own story.

- And you should be able to.
- Okay.

I just spoke to corporate.
This one time,

they're willing to go up to $1,500.

Final offer, no exceptions.

Unfortunately, I'm still gonna pass.

Okay, but $1,500 is as high
as they're willing to go.

I mean, it's $1,500.
You understand that, right?

I understand. The answer is still no.

Okay, okay, fine, fine.

$4,000.

- Whoa!
- Holy crap.

And that's it. That's it, though.

That's the cap.

- I thought $1,500 was the cap.
- That was the fake cap.

Technically, we're allowed
to go as high as $4,000,

- but that is it.
- That's the final offer.

I'm sorry, Jeff, okay? It's still...

$6,500, final offer.

I feel like we have
different definitions

- of the word "final."
- It's not about the money.

- Okay, the answer is no.
- Wow, okay, great.

Congratulations,
you just lost out on $6,500.

Sweet dreams thinking about that.

$15,000.

Amy? Hey, it's Jessie.

- I'm Cindy's mom.
- Oh, yeah, of course, hi.

I heard about you and Adam,

and I just wanted to say
I hope everything's okay.

Oh, yeah, no,
everything's great, actually.

- Thanks for checking.
- Amy?

I need a urine sample from you.

Oh, um, I'm sorry, I can just...

No, Dina, this isn't really
the best time for this.

Hey, that's what happens when you
keep screwing up on the job.

We have to find out if it's due to drugs

or just gross incompetence.

It's not drugs.

Hey, this was lovely.
So see you at the next PTA.

Hi, David, I have Mateo Liwanag,

the employee who was injured,
and Jonah Simms,

another employee, for some reason.

Hey, Mateo, I hear you're refusing

to sign the liability waiver.

A little concerned your lawyer's
giving you some bad advice.

Oh, I'm not a lawyer.

I just went to a year
of business school.

- Before flunking out.
- I'm on your side, you know.

So look, we're prepared
to offer you $50,000.

- $50,000?
- Whoa.

Uh...

- that is a lot of money.
- Uh, uh-huh.

And I wish I could take it.
But the truth is,

um, I'm not really hurt.

- David, he's lying.
- I'm lying?

What about all the times
you said you were over Chad

and you just jumped
right back into bed with him?

- After you dumped me!
- I'm sorry, David.

- That's not relevant.
- That's okay.

I have a gay son, so my views
are very progressive.

Okay, what about the time you
said Jonah looks great in shirts?

Yeah, were you lying
or telling the truth then?

I said he looks okay in shirts,

but you wouldn't know that
because you never listen.

Because you add unnecessary details!

You spent an hour
talking about lavender!

Uh, it sounds like you guys

still have some stuff to figure out.

Jeff, why don't you take care of this

and get back to me later, okay?

Thanks.

Well...

that got silly.

'Sup, Marcus?

Something's jammed in the box crusher.

I was wondering if you could
climb in and get it out.

You want me to get...

- inside the box crusher?
- Yeah, thanks.

It just... it feels like a box
crusher could hurt someone

really badly.

Only if somebody pushed the
button while you were inside it.

There's no need to worry
about that 'cause

I got the button right here.

Yeah, okay.

Sandra, your tushie

needs to be closer to the ground.

- I can't go any lower.
- Okay, I don't want excuses.

I want lower tushies.

Ugh, I can't believe
they're making you do this.

Yeah, no, me and you both.

Elias, bend both your
knees, not just the one.

I just feel so guilty.
I mean, I almost feel like

maybe I should tell Glenn
that I was the one

that messed up the signs.

Well, I mean, you know,
don't do it for me.

But, like, if you really want to.

Yeah, you're right,
there's probably no point.

Oh, did I say there was no point?

I don't remember saying those words.

Oh, I just...
I'm getting in my head, then.

Sometimes I do that
thing where I act like

every mistake in the world is my fault.

Yeah, except for this time,

you wouldn't really be that far off.

Although it's like,

I didn't make you
crash the scissor lift.

- No, no.
- Uh-uh.

But technically, I wouldn't
have been on the scissor lift

if you hadn't messed up the signs.

I know, and then it's like, technically,

I wouldn't have even
been hanging the signs at all

if Saint Patrick hadn't driven
the snakes out of Ireland, so...

How far back do we go?

Um...

probably somewhere
between the fifth century

and this morning, I'm guessing.

Right, yeah.

Right.

I can't take this safety
training anymore.

Hey, I get it. It's tough,

especially when you get to your age.

Do you feel like you can't keep up?

No, I mean I'm over taking
the blame for Kelly's mistake.

Well, let's tell Glenn
the truth and bury this chick!

Yeah, but I can't just,
like, throw her under the bus.

Are you sure?
'Cause I have security footage

of her hanging the sign.
It wouldn't be hard.

Yes, but morally...

Although, you know,
it's not like she would

get in that much trouble, right?

And all we'd be doing
is telling the truth.

So if anything, lying in the first place

was the wrong thing to do, right?

You'd already made up
your mind about this

before you even
came in here, hadn't you?

Yeah, I was thinking maybe
you could show the footage

while I tried to stop you
so it'd look like

my hands were clean.
I told everyone to meet,

- like, around 3:00?
- Nice.

She's growing up.

No, uh-uh, I can't do it.

I can't. I still know it's coming.

And to be honest...

you're freaking me out.

You know what? I feel you.

So here's what we're gonna do.

It's not gonna come today,
not even this week.

Months will go by.
You'll forget all about it.

And then one day, out of the blue...

- You're rich.
- I don't know if that...

Even if you tell me
you want to call it off,

I'll say okay, but I'll know
you don't really want that.

You're just trying to make
yourself forget it's coming.

It'll never really be called off, ever.

That's how much I care
about getting you this money.

Mateo, I'm not stupid.

- I know why you're doing this.
- You do?

Yeah, why waste an opportunity

to make me look incompetent
in front of my bosses, right?

Oh. I mean no, that's not what...

Okay, well, you may hate me,
but I still care about you.

So there. 10 grand. You're welcome.

$10,000? I thought it was $50,000.

Doesn't matter. Okay...

- Jeff, I don't want this.
- Well, you're taking it.

I'm faxing the paperwork
to legal right now.

Oh, no, no, no, no, no,
you can't... you can't do that.

Why not?

- It's complicated.
- I was in love with you.

And you dumped me out of the blue,

so unless there's some reason
I just can't get my...

I'm undocumented!

That's why I couldn't transfer stores.

That's why I can't take the money.

And that's why I couldn't go

on a Carnival cruise with your family.

But also, like...

cruises are gross.

So wait.

I never hated you.

I thought it'd be helpful
for us all to watch

the surveillance footage
of Amy hanging the sign

that fell on Mateo so we
can learn what not to do.

- Wait, what?
- No, I don't think

we need to watch this video, Dina.

- Well, I do.
- So we are.

I'm so sorry.
I don't know what else to do.

Um, that's the wrong file.

That's from Glenn's mullet phase.

That was, like, four years ago.

I can't stand this new system.
I can't find anything.

Whoa, is that from the tornado?

- Oh, uh, you know what...
- Uh, Dina,

can you turn off the video, please?

No, Amy, it's not your decision.

No, I'm not kidding. Turn off the video.

Hey, what are you doing? Step back.

This is very sensitive equipment!

Dina, turn off the video!

- Stop the video!
- What are you doing?

Whoa!

I think everyone knows you like Jonah.

Mm-hmm.