All language subtitles for S03E13 Video Game Release

"Barbarian's Gate 3"
is being released today,

so I need everybody on their A-game,

as this store is going to be
packed with video game nerds.

And we don't want to risk a trampling.

Well, we're never going
to totally prevent tramplings.

Oh, no, obviously we're never
going to have zero tramplings,

but we can have fewer tramplings.

Um, can I set one of
the video games aside

before we sell out?

Amy, employees can't reserve
merchandise, you know this.

- You're into video games?
- After a long day of work,

It's nice to have a glass
of wine and reach into

a stable boy's chest and pull
out his still-beating heart.

Feed the birds.

I just don't get how

murdering people is considered fun.

I mean, what happened
to all those innocent games?

You know, like "Frogger,"
and "Qbert," and "Donkey Kong."

Innocent? "Qbert" is about
a big-nosed, creepily little

freak that commits suicide
when things get hard.

"Frogger" is basically a frog Holocaust.

I remember a glitch in
the original "Donkey Kong"

where it looks like the ape has a penis.

Sometimes when I'm playing "The
Sims," I give myself a family.

Jesus Christ.

Synced and corrected by hawken45
for www.addic7ed.com

The nerd smell is overwhelming.

It's like a potent blend of

BO, pizza rolls, and misogyny.

Hey, Dina, so I know that
employees aren't supposed

to set aside merch,
but I was just wondering

if maybe you'd want to make an exception

for your best friend?

My old best friend
is currently in prison

for cheating on her taxes.

Ask her if I'm willing
to "make an exception."

Ugh, hair gel and urine.

I can't, I can't.

Oh, come on, three of them?
That's not fair.

They're going to sell out
before my shift is over.

Why don't you just
sneak one out of the cage

- and put it aside for later?
- No, it's fine.

I guess I'll just wait
until we get another restock.

Oh, but you shouldn't have to.

- You des...
- Don't say "you deserve this."

- I wasn't going to say that.
- What were you going to say?

You... deserve this.

Okay, you're right, I do deserve this.

I deserve to disembowel warlocks.

Yes, you... do.

- Then let's do this.
- Let's do this.

Oh, yep, urine.

Thank you so much for coming by.

Hey, how you doing, Mr. Evans?

- Good to meet you.
- Nice to meet you.

I'm a huge fan of your voiceover work.

In fact, my text alert
is you from "Alpha Strike"

saying "Decapitation bonus!"

Decapitation bonus!

That is awesome!

- Thanks.
- Yeah, cool, well, hey.

That's all I wanted to say.

You know, I just think you're great,

and you know, you mean the world to me.

- Okay.
- That's...

that sounded weird.

I mean, not the world,
but a lot, you know?

You, you mean a lot to me.

Oh, my mouth, my mouth is so dry.

Yeah, yeah, I can taste it.

If we could just, like, move,
and make a line to the side.

And then people could pass on this side.

And if we then...
if we could all go this way.

Sandra, we need this area clear.

- This is a fire hazard.
- I know.

I told them and they told me
that my butt's a fire hazard.

I'm trying to think of a comeback.

Okay, guys, I really need you
to make a line that way.

Okay?

Attention, all soft boys.
Get off your butts,

and move to the side, now!

The first person to step out of line

is going to get my foot in their throat.

Use... less.

Useless.

Come on.

You try. Your arms are longer.

Me? Yeah, but you know,

I think my bicep
might be a little big for...

Oh, hey. Slipped right in there.

Mmm, not long enough.

Well, I guess I'll just stick to
"Barbarian's Gate 2," like a commoner.

Wait, what's that back there?

- Is that a door?
- Um, maybe.

It kind of just looks like a closet.

Or it's another way into the cage.

- Like an access tunnel.
- You know,

Glenn does still have the plans
from the renovation.

We could break into his
office, steal the blueprints,

and navigate our way around the...

Okay, you don't have to mock me.

We crawl through the tunnel
and then we jimmy the door...

- I was only trying to help...
- I'm agreeing with you!

Oh. Cool, all right.

Well, uh, let's do this, then.

It'll be like a little adventure.

Yeah, it's going to be
the adventure of a lifetime.

- Was that...
- Sarcasm.

Definitely.

Okay, so it seems like
there's another access point

on this floor right around...

- uh, this office.
- Really, where?

According to this, it's right there.

Well, there's clearly nothing there.

To the naked eye.

There might be a false wall, you know?

The thing about drywall is,
you have to listen to it.

- Because it sings a song.
- Oh.

It lets you know where you need to go.

Uh-huh.

What I'm trying to do right now
is find a hollow spot, okay?

They're pretty much all hollow spots.

Maybe this is it?

Oh.

I'm just guessing.

I see what I did there.

I confused the title block
and the revision block.

Totally, yeah,
that happens all the time.

Do you know why
we're always the victims?

Because...

I'm sorry, Glenn, I don't know.

It's because we make
ourselves the victim.

But I am done being a doormat.

It would be nice
not to get pushed around.

- Yeah.
- My mailman uses the bathroom

in my apartment every day.

He used to knock, but then
he made me make him a key.

So...

Well, no more.

Yeah, from now on,

we are going to stand up for ourselves.

Okay, I guess.

Come on, say it like you mean it.

Okay, I guess!

That's the spirit!

Ah, got to get back to work.

- Right.
- Good talking with you.

No problem.

Do you have any idea
who you were just talking to?

- Who, that guy?
- Yeah, that's Erick Evans.

He's been nominated for like,
five DICE awards.

- Okay.
- He's a legend.

That's like if you met J. Lo.

Oh, what, just because
I'm gay, I like J. Lo?

I mean, I do, she's flawless.
But expand your mind.

What did you guys talk about?

I don't know, just small talk.

Tell me everything he said.

Fine, ugh.

He was like,

"There's so much traffic
on Delmar this morning."

And I was like, "You're right,
Delmar was bumper to bumper."

- Forget it.
- No, no, wait.

I haven't gotten to the juicy part yet.

So, apparently,

he doesn't think his Taurus
has enough power.

Yeah, whatever, dude.

Hi, ma'am.

Once again, mouth breathers,
this is not personal.

It's not about who you are.

It's about how you smell.

And your stench is overwhelming.

This is not attacking
any one individual.

Although if I had to
single out the stink king,

it would for sure be
fatty in the purple hoodie.

Ugh.

Whoa.

I can't believe I've never been

in this part of the store before.

Figured at some point during
your illustrious Cloud 9 tenure

you would have ventured back here.

No, I think they give you access

to the bowels of the store at
15 years, so I'm almost there.

Well, this is weird.
According to the blueprints,

there should be a ladder,
like, right here.

Oh, yes, right there.

- Hey, Sandra.
- Mm-hmm?

You think all these other sweaters

are just going to magically
get up and fold themselves?

No, Glenn, because magic
doesn't [bleep] exist!

One per customer.

- Aww.
- Oh, my goodness.

The sign says "do not sit."

But I'm feeding my child, so...

- Oh.
- "I'm feeding my child, so."

No one cares. You're not special.

- Yeah, so could you scram?
- I'm trying, I'm just...

- Oh, you're trying? Vertical.
- You and your bag

and your baby and your boobs need to go.

Tell you what, why don't you take

your cold French fries with you?

This is ridiculous.

- This is fun.
- I know!

Enjoy.

Hey, do you want coffee?

I accidentally got an extra one.

So it's just going to go to waste.

- Oh, thank you.
- Yeah.

- Oh, is there any...
- Almond milk.

Because I know you're
lactose intolerant.

- Yeah, yeah.
- Not because I'm stalking you

or anything like that, I just,
I read an interview, so.

- Right.
- Right.

- Thank you.
- Mm-hmm.

This is an adventure.
It's like "The Goonies."

- I never saw that.
- "The Goonies"?

How have you never seen "The Goonies"?

Well, it's a funny story actually,

when the movie came out,
I just didn't see it.

Oh, my God. It's Dina.

Answer it. No, don't answer it.

Answer it.

How is this helpful?

Amy, where are you?
I need you in electronics.

One of the gamers is trying
to teach Alexa racial slurs.

Sir, if you put that
magnet on your armor,

you are buying it, I swear to God.

Um, I'm... I'm right here.

- Where?
- Here.

You can't see me?

Yeah, I don't see you.

Dina, I am right here.

Just, um, turn left.

No, not, uh, the other way.

No... no, turn around, Dina.

I'm behind you.

Oh, my God, um, can you hold on?

There's a customer who's
trying to get my attention.

Hang on? No, Amy, I need you right now.

I... I need a lawnmower.

Okay, I'm going to go help him, bye.

Amy? Amy?

- What is that voice?
- I'm sorry.

I never pass up an opportunity
to do a character.

- No.
- That's when I shine.

That is not okay.

- I was shining.
- No.

Did you hear what that guy called me?

Sir!

I could get used to that, boy.

"Oh, hello, sir. Good-bye, sir."

And people could call me "ma'am."

"Get out of my way, ma'am."

That's the only one
I could think of, but...

Oh, hi. I came back with friends.

Say hi, say hi.

- Hi, baby.
- Hi, baby.

So, apparently, what's
happening is called a nurse in.

It's meant to promote
breastfeeding rights.

Wait, so they're going to
be doing this in public?

That's gross.

All I'm saying is that, from
a hetero male perspective,

the female breast is a beautiful thing.

And when we see milk
squirting out of it,

- it's a real boner-killer.
- all: Oh, my God.

I just want everyone to know
that I do not agree with this guy.

We allow breastfeeding,
so why are they protesting?

No one knows. Yeah, women are crazy.

- Well, it might be because...
- Shut up, Sandra.

No one knows, so why
don't we just move on?

Okay, so if women can show
their boobs in the store,

can I walk around
with my penis hanging out?

You can't feed a baby with your penis.

But if I did, then it would be okay?

Wait, you're fighting for the right

to walk around the store
with your penis hanging out?

No, I'm just trying to figure
out where the line is here.

Yeah, I think the line is somewhere

between breast and penis.

Okay, these are all good points,

but I think that maybe
we need a woman's perspective.

- Well, I think, historically...
- I think a woman would say

she's just happy to be
a part of the conversation.

Why do they have to do it in public?

Why can't they just do it in their cars,

or by the dumpsters? Right? Up top.

No, never gonna happen.

Again, maybe we could have
a woman's perspective?

In my day, we called a gal
who took her top off a whore.

There you are, the woman's perspective.

If breast milk is so healthy,

then why aren't we all
drinking it all the time?

Or making cheese with it?

Hold on, business idea.

Human cheese.

Nobody steal that. I call patent.

- Oh, so gross.
- Gross?

Are you telling me you'll
have sex with a woman,

but not a cow, but drink a cow's milk

and not a woman's?

Is that a real question? Of course.

Oh, boy.

We eat cows.

I think what Garrett's
trying to say is that,

if we ate human women,
then we could drink their milk.

Oh, wow, Garrett,

- that is way too far.
- No, I'm not saying that...

Disgusting.

I want everybody to know,
I am not with this guy.

So, Chunk, a child, wants to adopt

a full-grown man with severe
physical and mental disabilities,

and his parents are just
like, fine with that?

Wait, what is this?

I'm not sure.

- Huh.
- What?

"Cindy Silly Stove."

Yikes.

Oh, my God, this must be the room

where they used to put
all the recalled merch.

That explains "Border Hopper,"

the zany illegal alien game.

So zany.

Shut up.

Sugar Logs?

Do you remember Sugar Logs?

Expires 2023, score.

I don't.

Oh, I used to love these
when I was a kid,

before everything
had to be so damn healthy.

300 grams of sugar?

A can of soda has like, 40.

Mmmm, oh, my God, it's so good!

Most of these ingredients
are just colors.

- What is this?
- I don't know,

- but I want to put them on me.
- Put it on!

This is supposed to be a family store.

My child shouldn't have to see
a bunch of women

flaunting their bare breasts.
It's disgusting.

Let's get your game signed
and get out of here.

We're on it. Have a heavenly day.

Hey, what's up, skinny?

What?

You look like you lost like,
20 pounds or something.

Okay, you obviously
want something from me,

but I still like it.

You know, I was thinking, since
you're so close with Erick,

if you wouldn't mind
introducing me as a friend.

Wait, you want me to be your wingman

for that middle-aged guy in Crocs

who I've had one conversation with?

Hey, look, hey, all you need
you to do is set it up,

and I'll knock it down.

What is that? Is that a black thing?

Can I start saying it?

No, it's bowling.

- Yeah.
- Okay, then, just,

hold on to the thing.

Over, over.

Ha-ha!

It burns, it burns, it
burns, it burns, get it off.

This is just a witch's broom.
Why would they recall this?

Oh, I remember this. Here.

Oh, oh, I see it, got it, good recall.

Okay, I reloaded!

That's very funny, but I can't...
I need your help.

Stop!

- I got you know, you...
- Boom, oh, in your face!

You're turning violet, Violet.

But Daddy, I want an Oompa-Loompa now.

Hyperdrive!

That's enough of that.

♪ I'm a jalapeño I'm a jalapeño ♪

All right, jalapeño, your
border tunnel caved in.

- Oh, come on.
- Move back two spaces.

There is just no way to win this game.

- Sorry, jalapeño.
- Mm.

You know what's funny?

We actually drank these
in the parking lot

at the end of my first day here.

Oh, yeah, I remember that.
God, that was a long time ago.

It was back when you really hated me.

- Come on, I didn't hate you.
- Oh, you hated me.

- No, I didn't.
- Okay.

I just thought you were like,
naive and useless..

- Naive and useless?
- Mm-hmm.

Oh, okay, wow. I can take that.

- And now?
- And now...

Uh-huh.

- Same, but I...
- Okay.

I'm not so bothered by it.

See?

- I grow on a person.
- Or wear them down.

- Whichever one you prefer.
- Either way,

there's some sort
of a progress happening here.

Progress, that's right.

And you never know,
one day you might even like me.

Ah.

I didn't take off my boots
in the river and I've drowned.

This game is dark.

So the door to the cage should
be right around this corner.

There it is.

- Oh, my God, you did it!
- Hah.

I thought you would never find it.

If that's Amy for thank you,
then you're welcome.

Goonies never say die!

- Hi.
- Hi.

Hi.

Uh, I read the blueprints wrong.

I'm getting coffee with my ex-wife.

Excuse us.

Sorry.

Hey, Jill.

Hey.

I am not trying to shame anyone,

but I need you
to move out of this aisle.

- Please?
- Pretty please?

With a cherry on top
and rainbow sprinkles?

Or chocolate, you choose,
whatever you want.

Oh, you're pathetic.

I can't believe I'm having your baby.

- My... what?
- What?

You're pa-the-tic.

No, no, no, no, I know that.
What about the baby?

Didn't you get my text?

The implantation worked. I'm pregnant.

Or preggers, as my
horrid niece would say,

trying to make herself sound
like she has a personality.

That's the most beautiful, magical thing

anyone has ever said to me.

I'm just so happy for you.

Thank you.

No, I am sure I texted you.

It was like a week ago.

I see what happened.
Texted the wrong Glen.

"Sorry, pregnant with Glenn with two Ns.

LOL."

My mechanic.

My assistant manager and I,
we're going to have a baby.

Oh, boy.

Oh, God, I can't wait to tell my wife.

- What is happening here?
- I don't know.

I'm going to be a daddy.

Who's pathetic now?

I was, um...

No, no, never mind.

Um, set them up and knock them down?

Soap.

Soap.

So, this is... this is cool.

I'm so glad we're doing this.

Yeah, it's... it's very cool.

No, it's not cool.

Normally I'm the cool guy.

They call me the Samuel L.
Jackson of this store.

- Who calls you the...
- But for some reason,

around you, and I don't know what it is,

because you're just some guy
who stands in a booth

and does a bunch of silly voices,

so I don't know why
you think you're so great.

I don't... I don't... I never said that.

You know, I met Scott Bakula
at an Outback Steakhouse,

and it was smooth sailing.
And that guy, he quantum leapt.

Or leaped, or whatever it was.
I don't care, because I'm cool.

You're not better than me!

So enjoy losing another
DICE award to Troy Baker.

Jerk.

Taurus-driving loser.

I mean, the sad thing is,
he is the cool one.

So...

Oh, no.

- It's over, huh?
- Yeah.

It's fine, I made too
big a deal out of it.

Oh, okay, then I guess
you won't want this.

- What? How?
- I bribed some kid

with a couple of cans
of that malt drink.

He was a bigger kid, so I think
his heart can handle it.

Jonah, thank you!

Oh, my God, I can't wait
to decapitate somebody.

Yeah, well, I am happy to help.

Do you want to see how it's done?

I could put it in the demo,

and I could show you really quick.

- It's so much fun.
- Oh, uh...

I kind of promised Kelly
that I would meet her tonight.

I so would, though.

- Oh, my God, of course.
- Yeah, no.

But tomorrow.

- Yes.
- Let's do this.

Let's do it tomorrow. Play the game.

- Okay.
- Okay, have a good night.

- You too, enjoy that.
- I will, thank you.

Thank you.

Ugh.

I can still smell them.

It's like Cool Ranch and scrotum.

Hey, Rodriguez,
pay attention, I'm talking.

What, have you got a crush
on Jonah or something?

Yeah, I think I do.

It's the smell. It's not this.