All language subtitles for S03E12 Groundhog Day

You guys, look.

He's just saying...

- Duh.
- Barely a rat.

- Can I pet him?
- No.

- Come on.
- You ask me that every year.

One of these days,
I'm gonna wear you down.

Your poor husband.

Actually, um, no, we, uh,

we got a divorce a few months ago.

Oh no, I'm sorry to hear that.

Oh, no, it's totally fine,

I'm in a healthy
relationship with my DVR.

Okay, this might be
a little bit out of left field,

but, um, I know this
awesome steak house.

Let me buy you dinner,
and then I can answer

all of your groundhog-related questions?

Um, oh, so, like,

you and I, we would...

we would go to the steak house and,

like, eat the steak or maybe,

like, order some sides
or something like that?

Yeah, yeah, something like that.

Oh, my God, this is so hard to watch.

I know.

So, the thing is, like,

I just got out of a really
long-term relationship...

Oww!

Watch it! Gary!

Oww, he bit me.

Oh, come on, come on,
little buddy, you okay?

He's gonna be okay.

Does that mean we go straight to summer?

Synced and corrected by hawken45
for www.addic7ed.com

Attention shoppers,

our groundhog meet and greet
has been cancelled.

But if you were coming here
to meet a rodent,

your day was probably
not gonna be amazing anyway.

Ugh, I mean, that poor groundhog.

Look, I just got flustered.

I'm not used to being flirted with.

Well, at least you're
getting back out there.

Oh, yeah? You're greasing
up the old gears?

Hitting the road again?

Seeing if that rusty hull
is still seaworthy?

What vehicle is this?

No, I'm not ready to start dating.

You sure?

I have, like, five cousins
who are very single.

Well, thank you, but no.

I am taking this time to focus on me.

I bought a bunch of succulents,

and also, I'm trying Sudoku.

I feel like I missed that craze
the first time around.

You are a very, very boring woman.

- Okay.
- Okay, thank you.

- Thanks for the Band-Aids.
- That's all right.

That's the embryo

right before they implanted
it in Dina's uterus.

Isn't it cute?

Yeah, I suppose it's cute,

as far as amoeba-looking things can be.

Well, I know it's just
a bunch of cells now,

but if everything goes well,

that's my and Jerusha's baby.

Look, I don't wanna freak you out,

but are you sure it's yours?

'Cause it kinda looks like Elias.

To be fair, all babies look like Elias.

Hey, I need you to sign
this accident report.

I'm gone for one morning,
and Amy spikes a groundhog.

What are you doing here?

The doctor said to spend
the rest of the day resting.

I'm fine, I've never
missed a day of work before,

and I'm not about to start

because I had a few
boba balls shot up my runway.

The miracle of life.

Okay, no, I am taking you home.

Come on.

I'm not leaving the store.

This is dumb.

If I wanna relax, I fly to Ohio.

I don't just sit and do nothing.

Dina, please,

if this implantation fails,

I don't have enough money to try again.

Fine, but I want it on
the record that this is stupid.

Noted, and thank you.

All right.

You know, you might be surprised.

A little fresh air and quiet
might be just the thing

to, you know, put a smile
back on your face.

Enjoy.

I need you to give me that walkie.

Excuse me. Jessica.

So, word on the street is

you are horny and looking for love.

Uh, no, who said that?

Let's just say a little dumb bird

and her gay friend bird told me.

Well, turns out
you have bad information.

Shh, shh, look,
here's what we're gonna do.

The second our shift ends,
we're going to my place,

we're getting in my water bed,

and we're not leaving till we figure out

this whole will they, won't they,

Kermit and Miss Piggy thing
we got going on.

Wait, sorry, am I Kermit or...

Yeah, 'cause you're
smart with skinny legs

and I'm Miss Piggy because I'm a star.

So, what do you think?

I just think it might be weird

to date someone I work with, so...

Okay, fine, then screw it.

- I will quit right now.
- No.

- I no longer work here.
- No, no.

I need someone to cover for Dina today.

Any volunteers?

- Well, I guess I could.
- Question.

Is it possible to hook up an Xbox

to the security monitors
in Dina's office?

I suppose so, yeah.

You know, Glenn,

I've always had an
interest in management.

- I'll cover for Dina.
- Great.

Ooh, Glenn, if he's doing that,

can I do the announcements?

Well, Garrett's assistant manager now,

so it's up to him.

I once did a radio play in college.

Okay, fine, just don't tell
me one more word about it.

This is a good team.

Come on.

Relax.

Relax, relax, relax, relax, relax.

Relax, damn it.

Come on.

Ugh.

Nailed it.

I... sorry, I mean,
I would help him myself,

but he insisted on
speaking with a manager.

Hi, I'm Amy, the floor manager.

I'm Castor.

You look really nice.

Okay, how can I help you?

Uh, Castor mentioned
that he works in insurance,

which is a very stable industry.

I used to work in textiles,

but insurance was a dream of mine,

so now I work in insurance.

He took the leap.

I'm sorry, do you two know each other?

- No.
- Mateo's my cousin.

Hmm.

Cousin, in, like, you know,

all Filipinos are related...

Our mothers are sisters.

Okay.

- What is wrong with Castor?
- Uh, he's weird,

I'm not attracted to him,

and when you mentioned that
he "worked" in insurance,

you could've mentioned
it was horse insurance.

There's a lot of money in that.

Horses' lives are crazy.

I can handle my own
love life, thank you.

Are you sure, 'cause you are
taking forever to smash it out.

Again,

I am not ready to start
dating, and if I were,

why is that the cousin
you set me up with?

How about the one who always comes in

to buy his protein powder?

You think you can land Rogelio?

Straight girl, please.

Cheyenne, back me up here.

I mean, I am way

out of Castor's league, right?

Oh, for... oh, you?

Right now? I...

Castor seems good.

Attention Cloud 9 shoppers.

Sushi is on sale at the deli.

Mmm, discount sushi
from a big box store.

Why just eat when you can
gamble at the same time?

You know what, that sounded
harsher than what I meant it to.

If you like the sushi,
just get the sushi.

Are you okay?

Yeah, I just, I'm trying
to do it like Garrett,

but I'm a little better,
I think, feeding off someone,

you know, riffing in the moment.

Yeah, sure, like a co-host,

like, like, Kelly Ripa.

Yes, or Hoda.

Okay, all right...

Then let's riff.

Oh, all right. You ready?

Yeah.

Maybe we need to rehearse a little bit.

Okay.

No, I am at work.

I'm getting paid to sit around
and play video games all day.

Aww, sorry, Craig,
I forgot you got fired,

Hey, Garrett,
can I leave a little early?

I teach water aerobics
to seniors after work,

and they yell at me if I'm late.

It can get racist.

They don't know what I am,

so it's kind of all over the place.

Kinda busy, I say you just do you.

Really? Dina normally says that...

Just do whatever you want.

No, not you, Craig,
you need to go back to Staples

and make things right.

Amy, I'm gonna give you some

gay man tough love right now.

Okay? You ready?

I wanna make sure you're ready.

What, Mateo?

Okay, no tea, no shade...

you're not a ten right now.

It's not about your looks.

You just have some major dings.

You're over 30, you're divorced,

you have a kid.

Cheyenne has a baby,

does that give her a ding?

No, because I have a baby

the way that Chrissy Teigen has a baby.

You have an old baby,

- so that's a double ding.
- Yeah.

Plus, you're probably really
out of practice sex-wise.

Excuse me?

And I'm guessing your
downstairs is a jungle?

Mm, retro.

Nothing wrong with that.

No, it is a manicu... you know what?

I am not gonna defend myself.

This whole system
of rating people is gross.

What's my number?

Um, you're a four, Justine's a three.

But it's cool, 'cause
I clean up on twos.

Girl's trip!

No, Sarah's a seven, Brett's an eight,

Tate's a ten because
he has a good job and abs.

That's correct, I'm
the complete package.

Wait, what number is Amy? Are we tied?

God, no.

I'm sorry, that was not...

no, I think you're beautiful.

See, this whole system
just sets us back.

You're just a little bit
higher than Justine.

A little higher?

No offense, Justine,
we're all God's creatures.

What?

Attention Cloud 9 shoppers.

Roma tomatoes are now $2.99 a pound.

$2.99, Kelly...

a small price to pay
for a taste of Italy.

That's for sure.

Now, Jonah, I always forget...

are tomatoes a fruit
or are they a vegetable?

Oh, I say vegetables

so I get credit for eating my veggies.

I know, right?

Busted, okay, I'm busted.

Well, someone's looking relaxed.

Huh? Oh, yeah.

I've been staring at these
rocks for the past hour.

If you soften your focus,

it kinda looks like
two bats making paella.

Oh yeah, yeah.

Yeah, anyway, um,

if you really wanna get
up, I guess it's okay,

but you have to promise to take it easy.

Actually, I'd like another
ten minutes if it's okay.

A hummingbird flew by and
I wanna see if he comes back.

Take all the time you need.

Can I get you anything?

- Really?
- Yeah.

I mean, I could use a snack...

just some baby carrots.

Okay.

- And pita chips.
- Mm-hmm.

Ooh, and dips...

hummus, vegan tzatziki, maybe a guac.

Yeah, for sure a guac.

And if you could stack them in a bowl...

preferably glass
so I can see the layers...

that'd be great, thanks.

Okay.

I'll see what we have that wasn't

part of the listeria outbreak.

You think it fits?

Yeah, I don't say this very often,

but that Cloud 9 suit
looks really great on you.

Oh, thanks.

Hey, um, can I ask you a question?

Yeah.

Would you go out on a date
with someone like me?

Oh, I'm married.

Oh, no, no, no, I'm not asking you out.

I just mean, like, theoretically.

Like, say your wife died
and you're single now.

What? Why would she have died?

Okay fine, she never existed,

or she was abducted.

And you're not sad, you're fine.

You were looking for a way out,

and it led you to me,

so on a scale from one to ten,

I'm like a eight minimum, right?

Uh, yeah, um, you know what?

I, uh, I have a lot
of great clothes at home,

so I'll just...

I'll just wear those
before I go out shopping.

Thank you.

Okay.

Garrett, what happened?

Yeah, I don't know,
Sandra was on softlines.

What...

Oh, you know what?

She had to do something,
so I told her she could bounce.

All right, I'll see you later.

No, wh-wh-wh-wh-whoa.

You can't go home
until this is cleaned up.

Seriously?

Well, it's gotta get done,

Mr. Acting Assistant Manager.

Oh, why are these pants moist?

Oh yeah, that happens.

Ugh.

Hey, so, um,

I know this might sound weird,

but on a scale from one to ten...

Sorry, hang on, one second.

Hey, do you wanna run it once
before we get on the mic,

or just kinda dive in and
use that opening night energy?

Let's just go for it.

That's what I thought.

Sorry, what were you saying?

Uh, you're busy.

I'll come back later.

Okay, what do you think?

♪ Swiss cheese is on sale now ♪

♪ On sale now ♪

♪ Better get it fast ♪

♪ 'Cause it will sell o-out ♪

Ugh, maybe we should
allow bullying in schools

if it'll prevent stuff like this.

Yeah, tell me about it.

Tough day at the office?

I'm just kidding,
you don't have an office.

You know, it hasn't been great, Tate.

I killed a groundhog... probably...

and if it lives,
it'll never be the same.

And I learned that
on a scale from one to ten,

I am immensely unappealing.

You can't listen
to what people here say.

They're all idiots.

Today, one of them asked me
whether he's supposed

to eat the cotton
inside the pill bottle.

- Elias?
- Elias, yeah.

Look, I know everyone here

is trying to hook you up
with a bunch of randos,

but you should hold out for a good one.

You deserve that.

Well, that...

that kinda sounds like a line,

but, um, thank you.

Well, listen, I don't know
if you feel like a drink,

but I know a great little spot.

I told them that I'm a veteran,

so I drink for half price.

Ow, ow, ow, ow.

Okay, good to know. That's fine.

Um, more drinks please.

Mm, mm.

- Just one second, okay.
- Sure, sure.

- Let's go.
- Okay.

♪ Jebediah Grey's
got a baby on the way ♪

♪ Oh goodness me ♪

♪ A papa he will be ♪

♪ For the lord... ♪

Dina?

Were you here all night?

Hm?

Oh, yeah, I guess I fell asleep.

Oh wow, I feel rested.

You know, some of my birds
have night terrors,

so it's usually hard
for me to get that deep REM.

Well, ah, that's, that's great.

I'm glad you got some rest.

Yeah, why don't you, uh, you know,

get changed and we'll get to work, huh?

Yeah, okay.

Hey, it's gonna be a big day.

Quarterlies are due.

Plus, we're doing
double coupons on catheters,

and at least two retirement homes

are bussing in the oldies.

Ooh, boy.

- What?
- Oh, I...

Just got this feeling like a marble

rolling around in my uterus, I mean,

gosh, I wonder what that's about.

Probably nothing.

Anyway, up and at 'em.

No, no, no, no, you stay on that couch!

That sweet little marble

is the only thing that matters.

Okay, I mean, I will continue to lay,

but only if that's what you want.

I do.

You relax.

Hey, would you mind grabbing me

some wet wipes and a bottle of Febreze?

I wanna take a little whore's
bath before the store opens.

Well, hey there, brown hair.

Hi.

Hi.

Okay, bye.

Well, I woke up feeling
very satisfied this morning.

Must've been the great
night I had last night.

Cool, um, I threw up in my driveway.

Oof.

So, um, Tate,

last night was fun and impulsive.

- Mm-hmm.
- And expensive.

Yeah, sorry I forgot my credit card.

Yeah, uh,

but I think it would be great
if we kept it between us.

You know how people around here

talk and gossip,
and we don't want that, so...

Understood.

Your secret's safe with me.

When I journal about this...
and I will...

I will call you Consuela.

Okay.

Adios, Consuela.

Protip... if you cup the mic,

you get a nice voice-of-God effect.

Oh, why don't you go out to Los Angeles

and give Laura Dern some acting tips?

- Always with Laura Dern.
- She's amazing.

Okay, I gotta go feed Dina's birds,

so today's the same as yesterday.

Garrett, you're AM,

Jonah and Kelly,
you're on announcements.

- Wait, no, I just...
- No. No.

I don't have time to argue, okay?

I gotta go Google how
to give insulin to a parrot.

So, this is my cousin, Nestor.

He is studying to be a receptionist,

and he sleeps on the top bunk.

Hard pass.

Okay, you can't just wait
for the Rogelios of the world.

You gotta lower the bar a little.

Yeah, eventually you're gonna

have to put yourself back out there.

Okay,

not that it's any of your business,

but, um, last night,

I did put myself out there.

Wait, you hooked up? With who?

Doesn't matter, all you need to know

is that I can definitely
do better than Nestor.

Was it a guy or a girl?

- Guy.
- Does he work here?

- Yes, but I really shouldn't...
- Does he wear a hat?

Sometimes, I don't know.
We're not playing "Guess Who?"

Was it Brett? 'Cause
I've been shipping you guys.

No.

Oh, my God, did you have
a three-way with Elias?

What? These are your guesses?

No, it was somebody better-looking,

someone more on my level.

- Marcus.
- Cody.

- Mary.
- Okay, it was Tate.

- Tate?
- You bitch.

Yeah, and it wasn't a big deal,

and technically, he's a ten,

and he was totally into it.

So, maybe do the math on that.

So, hang on now,

Sandra, you're from Hawaii,

but you've never been to the beach?

What?

No, I am deathly afraid of the water.

Uh!

Never even saw the ocean.

Wow, that is too much.

Now, are you afraid of all water,

or just the ocean?

I'd like to answer your
question with another question.

Where do hermit crabs live?

Get a load of her.

Where don't they live?

You know what I mean?

There she is.

So, I was thinking that maybe we could

head up the Delta Sky Lounge,

drop some miles at the bar,
see where it goes.

- Tate, I was thinking.
- Yeah?

Maybe we should just keep
last night as a one-time thing.

Oh.

It's just that, like,
I was in a weird place

and I was sort of
feeling down on myself,

and people even
in this store were saying,

like, I couldn't bag a ten.

Okay, so,

I was just some kind of trophy

for you to wave around to your friends?

Is that it, huh?

Another notch in your bedpost?

Shh, shh, no.

Tate, can we please
just not make a scene?

Well, well, well.

- Look who banged the pharmacist.
- Yeah.

I guess sometimes
Kermit goes home with Beaker.

I thought you didn't
date people from work.

I didn't, I don't, we're not dating.

Oh, no, you made that abundantly clear.

I guess I'm just a human vibrator,

built for Amy's pleasure.

Okay, um, could we just, you know,

this is a very public space.

May I remind you that I had dibs,

so whatever you did with him,
you also have to do with me.

Yep, that's what's fair.

Um, that's not a thing.

But you promised.

Oh, so you're just
tossing that cat around,

but Nestor can't get a turn.

I'm not tossing anything around,

and I don't want to be
dating anyone anywhere.

Well, that's not
how it seemed yesterday.

You were totally hitting on me.

What are you doing here?

It's a store, I'm allowed to be here.

Unbelievable.

Someone's thirsty.

Guys, enough.

Look, I had dibs,

so the order goes me,
beard guy, then Nestor,

before we come
back around to Tate again.

What's going on?

Amy hooked up with Tate,

and then asked bearded guy out

even though Marcus has dibs.

Nestor's still in the mix,

and that woman needs Tide,

but no one's helping her.

You hooked up with Tate?

Um, I...

I mean, wow, it's a big day for you.

Maybe you need to take
a little break from dating

and get tested.

I can't take a break from dating

because I never started dating.

Yeah, guys, she's just
banging out dudes right now.

Bzz, bzz, bzz.

Human vibrator reporting for duty.

Yeah, turn me on, use me up,

and chuck me back in the drawer.

I just want the Tide.

Aisle 17. Stop ruining this.

Yep, get back in there.

Ohh, mama.

I think I wanna call Jerusha

and tell her what we're doing.

Already called her. She's cool with it.

There it is.

Yeah...

Hey, Garrett.

So, softlines is all good.

Could I maybe take an early lunch?

My cat's in the hospice.

No, if I let you leave early,

then I have to take
somebody off register,

to cover your section.

Yeah, but this is my
last chance to say goodbye.

Shut up, Sandra!

I'm not...

this is not...

here, you take it.

You be the assistant manager.

What?

Just take it!

Cloud 9's new bath towels

are extra fluffy and made
from recycled other towels.

And here to talk to us about them

is famous actor, Al Pacino.

How's Hollywood, Al?

Oh, uh, these towels are great.

Hoo-ah.

Are you okay?

Oh, yeah, yeah, I'm just,

I'm not really feeling it, so...

Oh, okay.

If you like towels,

then, uh,

this is "The Godfather" of towels.

You can use them to clean
up your "Scarface."

That is not good.

- These towels are 40% off.
- No...

I mean...

These towels are 40% off.

And even if it's not a question,

you gotta end up here.

But then you're down,

then you're down here.

Because when you were younger,

when you were in "Serpico"...

No...

Hoo-ah, I'm just getting warmed up.

Al Pacino, everyone. He's back.