All language subtitles for S03E09 Golden Globes Party

Five bucks says Best Actor or Actress

dedicates their Golden
Globe to the troops.

I'll bet you ten someone
rolls their R too hard

talking about a foreign film.

Five bucks says they cut to
the wrong person of color

at least twice.

Where are we watching this year?

Jerusha's ovulating,

so we'll probably just have
it on in the background

on a TV on a dresser.

If anyone wants to come to the hospital,

- I'll be watching with Jerry.
- Pass.

Guys, what are you talking about?

We're going to do it at
my place, like always.

- Mm...
- You're doing it this year?

Uh, yeah, why wouldn't I?

- You don't have to.
- That's unnecessary.

I think everybody just thought

you weren't going to
have the party this year,

you know, with your
marriage croaking and all.

What? I am perfectly capable
of throwing a party by myself.

- Mm-hmm.
- Okay.

I am!

You guys, it's going to be great.

I'm going to barbecue.

You know, Adam was kind of
the barbecue guy, right?

I mean, that brisket?

- So smoky.
- That sauce?

I know where to get
the sauce... that's easy.

You really don't have to do this.

You can host a party next year,

when your life isn't in shambles.

You guys, my life is not in shambles.

He didn't mean shambles.

He meant your life has fallen to pieces.

What do you think shambles are?
They're pieces.

Shambles implies more of
a disaster-wreckage situation.

Um, I'll tell you who deserves an award

for "Life Least in Shambles".

Oh, Rooney Mara.

- Yes.
- She is killing it.

Yes, love her. Also, me.

Guys, Rooney Mara's family
owns two NFL teams.

She was born on third base.

- That's baseball.
- I know sports!

I've got it! Tatters.
Amy's life is in tatters.

Synced and corrected by hawken45
for www.addic7ed.com

Oh, Dina. You're three hours early.

Yeah. I came to help you set up.

It's what best friends do.

- Oh! We're best friends.
- Yeah!

Well, I mean, I'm yours.
You're my number four.

And technically,
I count twins as one person.

Come on in.

Oof, guess we are going to
have to prioritize this.

Why don't you tackle the walls?

And I'll try to do something
about that smell.

Where's the white vinegar
and ammonia kept?

There's no smell.
It smells like a regular house.

This is classic us.

I try to improve you, you fight it.

Ultimately, you submit
and are better for it.

I also wouldn't wear this.

Yeah, no, I'm not wearing
sweats to my party.

Great! We are going
to make a swan out of you yet.

Okay, why don't you go change?

And I will do a quick vibrator sweep.

Ugh, I'm overdressed.

I thought going to a Golden
Globes party was like,

you dress for the Golden Globes.

I think you look nice.

I'm just nervous, you know?

I mean, I feel like I'm still
not part of the group.

No, no, you're part of the group.

It's like if this
was the Scooby Doo gang,

you would be Scrappy Doo...

a late addition, but
everybody loved him.

Everyone hated Scrappy Doo.

He only got to hang out with them

because he was related to Scooby.

Whoa, somebody's overdressed.

I've seen less sparkles
at a pride parade.

Did you notice?

All the photos of Adam are gone.

Yeah, creepy.

Everyone enjoying themselves?

Party pretty shambles-free so far?

- It's fine.
- Yeah, it's cool.

- What are you drinking?
- I'm having a rum and coke.

Ah-ah! I don't think
that's what it's called.

I'm having a Master of Rum.

There you go! Master of Rum! Ha!

I'm going to go fill up
my Handmaid's Ale.

That's a clever name.

Oh!

Ooh!

- Amy!
- Glenn! Jerusha! I'm so glad...

Amy, so sorry to hear about Adam.

Oh, it's okay. It's fine.
It's great, actually.

You know, sometimes
when you aren't happy,

it's better to be divorced
than to stay in the marriage.

Yeah, that's why we...

A lot of people are happier
after they get divorced

than when they were married.

- Yeah, no, I know...
- Like Jennifer Lopez.

- I read an article.
- I read it, too.

- I read it, then he read it.
- Totally.

- Yeah, that's very interesting.
- Oh, I made you...

a hummingbird.

- Wow.
- Jerusha has a knack

for finding the perfect animal
for anybody's personality.

- I do, I do.
- I'm a Labrador.

Well, thank you. Thanks.

I am going to put that where
people put things like this.

Unfortunately, we can't stay long,

'cause we have to go home
early to... make a baby.

Well, we're going to try,
Together, the two of us,

with his, in my...

Jerusha.

Oh, my God, you know who I saw

at the gas station the other day?

- Who?
- Mustard man.

- No!
- How was he?

Yes, was he pumping petrol?

Where might I find the ah-loo-minium?

Right next to the vit-ah-mins.

Who is this?

Uh, it was from before you started.

It was this guy that used
to come in all the time.

And... and he liked mustard?

And he liked mustard?

- Are you making fun of us?
- Oh, no.

No, he was just, like, um,
this, like, old, fancy guy.

You know, like from the
Grey Poupon commercials.

Uh, pardon me,

but do you have any bags of mulch?

He sounded exactly like that.

I don't think I've seen that commercial.

Yeah, yeah, you have.
It's from the '90s.

- The Grey Poupon commercial.
- Mm-mm.

How have you never seen
the Grey Poupon commercial?

I don't know. But it sounds funny.

It wasn't.

It wasn't.

Oh, no.

No.

So it took all three frogs
to say "Budweiser"?

The sounds they made
together was "Budweiser."

It wasn't that they were saying it.

Those were just the sounds
that they made as frogs.

I-I don't know how to
explain any more, okay?

But people in America thought it
was pretty darn impressive, so...

It was, like, a really big commercial.

Is this like a "Mannequin" situation?

Um, hey. Jonah, could I get
your help for a minute?

Uh, yeah, sure. Um, I'll be right back.

Whassup?

- Whassup?
- Whassup?

- You remember that one.
- Oh, yeah.

Right?

So I put the food on the
grill three hours ago.

Turns out there was nothing
in the propane tank, so...

Mm. We could present it as tartare?

Okay, relax. You're putting
too much pressure on the food.

People aren't here to eat barbecue.

They're here to hang out
and watch the Globes.

Yeah, yeah. Okay. Yeah, you're right.

Amy, um, your TV's not working.

- No.
- No.

I don't get it.

Why do you have all these remotes

that do absolutely nothing?

I mean, this is a
straight-up calculator.

- Oh!
- You have another calculator.

You have a third calculator in here.

I mean, they're useful.

Hey, have you tried unplugging it

and then plugging it back in?

That always worked on
my aunt's breathing machine.

Why don't you just call Adam?

I'm not going to call
up my ex and ask him,

"How do I turn on the TV?"
That would be weird.

It could be the thing
that brings you back together.

Men love a woman in need.

When Glenn and I were dating,
I faked a lot of heart attacks.

"Oh, my God, don't die, don't die."

That's how we got to first base.

Oh, my God, I can't even with this.

Okay, I'm going to go watch it at home.

No, no, no, no, no, no. Please stay.

Emma knows how to fix the TV.
I'll just call her real quick.

Nobody go anywhere.

Oh, Amy, you remember Jerry.

Uh, yeah. Jerry, hi. You made it.

It's his first time out
since the coma, so...

Say hi, Jerry.

Just give him one second. He's got it.

Hi, Jerry.

- Oh.
- I heard "Amy."

Good job!

- Great.
- That's really good.

- Yeah.
- Yeah.

He's doing good. That was really good.

We're doing this.

We can park this car.

Yes. Crank it... Oh.

Okay, one more time, one more time.

People are getting antsy.

Maybe we should just order pizza...

No, we're not ordering pizza.

I can't have the TV not work
and not do the barbecue.

That plays right
into this "shambles" narrative.

And we're just pretending
your life is fine?

Yes. I mean, it is.

That was good, I believed that.

Okay, I'm just going to microwave it.

- Oh, no, no, no, no
- I don't think that's...

That's probably not going
to be very appetizing.

It's fine, we'll just put sauce on it.

How thick is the sauce?

Who are you wearing?

Oh, I don't know.

I can check the label.

It doesn't matter.
I don't know designers.

- I'm Jerusha.
- Kelly.

I feel like I overdressed.

When I saw you across the room,

I thought you were a prostitute.

That's a compliment.

Oh, thank you.

You're welcome.

I'm going to make you...

a squirrel.

Some people think squirrels
are just rats, but they're not.

Ok...

It was nice talking to you.

The reception in this area is horrible.

Must be the old magnet factory.

- Oh, okay.
- I hope everyone's hungry,

'cause the meat looks real meaty.

Hey, Amy, what's your Wi-Fi password?

Oh, um, I don't know it.

You don't know your own password?

No, because Adam made the password,

and I can't remember it,

and you have to have
a password to get online

to change the password,
and I don't have the password,

- so I can't do that.
- Ugh, you know what?

We should just all go to P.F.
Chang's and watch it there.

No, no, no!

No, then you're going to miss

all my snarky comments
about the dresses.

Oh, you mean when you say
the person just looks like

whatever fruit
the color of the dress is?

Remember, last time, when
Natalie Portman looked like

a sexy banana, and I was like,

"Girl, go on with your banana self"?

Let's go.

Wait. What... No, what is that?

- Hmm?
- What are you doing?

We got to go... right now. Sorry.

No, no, no, dinner's almost ready.

Oh, yeah, no, it's a great
Golden Globes party.

Thank you. And it's going
to be even better

when you get the food
and the Golden Globes on.

No, but once you leave,

then everyone else is going
to think it's okay to leave.

Yeah, I know, but Jerusha
is ovulating right now.

Amy, I don't know how
many good eggs she has left,

you know, what, with her age
and all that line dancing.

I'm sorry.

No.

Do it here.

- What?
- Do it here.

- I-I couldn't.
- Yes, you can. Why not?

Please, Glenn, please.

If you've ever cared about me ever,

then go have sex on my bed...

As many times as you want.

How about a game, huh?

Who wants to play Crazy Scabies?

Floor Shorts?

I guess there is enough of us,

we could play Hassle the Fishmonger,

but we'd have to move the couch.

Yeah, no one's ever heard
of any of those games.

Seriously? None of you?

Well, what did you do as kids

when your mom was out
with the men from the bank?

Hey, guys, Kelly knows a game
that she can teach everybody.

What we played at your sister's.

Oh, yeah.

Okay.

All right, so the game
is called Answers.

And you can only ask questions,

or you can only reply with questions.

Now, if you answer a question
or you question an answer,

then you lose points.

And you can only make it
to the next round

once everybody has put
in their bid or an overture...

You know what?

Actually, we could just maybe
start playing the game,

and everybody will get it as we go.

I'm already annoyed.
Is that part of the game?

Two points!

Oh, boy, and now Elias gets three points

because he located the conductor!

I thought I was the conductor.

No, no! Ahh! You gave it away.

Oh, that was a secret?

Does anyone understand this game?

Two questions in a row,
I call Founder. Triple Bridge.

Jerry gets it.

Okay, but why am I holding
hands with Brett?

I don't know.
I didn't ask you to do that.

This is fun. This game is fun.

This party is fun. Fun game, fun party.

Fun everything! Everything is fun now.

It's still fun, because
it was fun before.

We could still play Floor Shorts.

All I need is 14 pairs
of shorts and a 12-sided die.

Okay, I came here to watch the Globes,

not sit around starving in some
sad, divorced woman's house.

Brett, let go of my hand!

Guys, if we take off right now,

we can still get spots
at the Chang's bar

before the dads on dates get there.

- Thank you.
- No, no, no. No, no, no, no.

Emma's going to be here
in, like, five minutes.

She's going to fix the TV.

And also, the food's almost ready.

And the food is going
to be, like, so good.

Like, P.F. Chang's
"get out of here" good.

Chang's level? Come on, girl.

Nobody move!

Sit the [bleep] down!

Garrett, wheel it back in!

Now, we all committed
to coming here and having fun!

So we are going to have fun!

Stop complaining, and start
enjoying yourselves right now!

It's a great time.

Just go around!

I'm trying to park my car.

I don't even care. I didn't
want to go to the party.

This is like a hostage situation.

I mean, we can't leave.
They're denying us food.

Not allowed to watch the Golden Globes.

I hope they're done
before Emma gets here.

Emma's not coming! She never was.

We're on our own.

Can someone please just start talking?

I don't care what it is...
it could be literally anything,

just as long as it's at a raised volume.

That would be ideal.

I met God.

- Okay.
- Black guy.

Okay.

Okay, that looks good, right?

- Oh, yeah.
- Mm-hmm.

Oh, yeah.

- Voilà.
- Pulls it all together.

Yeah, that's what it needed.

Hey, gang. With Jerusha's help,

I was able to fix the broken table

in, um, the bedroom there.

It was broken.
It was the front left leg.

Yeah. It was a two-person job,

so the two... the two of us did it.

We did it, together.

It was a big solid oak leg.

So...

Father God, we thank You

for this meal we're about to enjoy.

We ask You to bless it with Your light.

Father God, we pray that all
our efforts are rewarded

and that this food replenishes
our spent and tired bodies.

- Amen
- Amen.

- Father God.
- That was beautiful, Jerusha!

Yeah, nice and tight.

Okay, great. Well, who is
ready for some B-B-Q?

Yeah... oh.

Don't be shy.
I know you guys are starving.

So dig in. Garrett?

Uh, what, me? Wow, thank you.

Um, I am so hungry, I am.

But I am going to start with the bread.

- This coleslaw looks yummy.
- Yeah, coleslaw, me too!

Great. Uh, meat, anyone?
Sandra, would you like a rib?

Um, brisket? Some...
bawk-bawk... chicken?

I filled up on water before I came.

Ugh, always do that.

Well, I can't wait,

because this is the best sauce
in all of St. Louis.

I was surprised they had any,
usually they're sold out, so...

Mmm!

That sauce is...

The more you chew, the better it is.

Anybody want any meat?

Nobody? Really? Nobody?

Nobody wants meat?

I'll take some.

Aren't you vegan?

Uh, yeah, just for, like, 20 years.

But when I see meat
that looks that delicious,

I have to make an exception.

No, Dina, you don't have to eat that.

- Ugh.
- Oh, yeah.

I guess this is what
he used to stand on.

They just took off the little foot.

I'm going to eat a bird now.

I'm going to eat a bird now.

I'm gonna...

Wow, but is it worth it for that taste!

Yum!

Dina?

- Are you okay in there?
- I'm fine!

Just, um, save some of that sinewy meat,

'cause I'm going to want round two.

Guys, look, this party is a bust.

You guys were right.
My... my life is... is in shambles.

Aw, sweetie.

Of course it is.

Hey, come on, y-you're overreacting.

So dinner was a little messed up,

and the TV doesn't work.

At a party where the two
things you're supposed to do

is eat dinner and watch TV.

Okay, yeah, but, you know,

it's not like somebody
died or something.

That's how you judge
the success of a party...

no fatalities.

Two people died at my prom.
We had it on a boat.

It was really sad.

And yet you kept the dress.

Just give yourself a break.

You've never been on your own before.

It takes some getting used to.

Yeah, it's like,

Jerry basically had
to relearn everything.

He thought it would
never get any better,

but he already knows the
difference between wet and dry.

See? You're going to be just fine.

A woman from my church got divorced

because she married a man from Facebook.

It turns out he was already married

to several other women
and one man from Singapore.

Took all her money.
It was on "Dateline."

At least you're not on "Dateline."

Yeah.

Hey, Amy.

I'd say something supportive
'cause you're my friend,

but that's not what I do.

I understand.

- Bye.
- Bye.

- Sorry about the... everything.
- It's...

Thank you for having us.

We're going to wash your sheets.

It's just something
we like to do after parties.

Keep them.

Do you want to go to Chang's?

We can watch the losers
give drunken interviews

at the after-parties.

Mm. Want to come?

Kelly, you want to come?

Oh, I thought you were... Am I invited?

Yeah, that's why I said,
"Kelly, you want to come?"

I would love that. Thanks.

Uh, hey...

You guys want to hit up Chang's?

The whole gang's going.
You feel like coming?

Oh, um, no, I-I got
a lot of meat to eat,

and, I, um... I got to clean up and...

- You sure?
- Yeah.

Um, pro tip... throw the microwave away.

Yeah, I'm thinking
I'm just going to move.

We should do this more often.

Yeah, next weekend, same chicken.

- Hey.
- Hi.

Garrett was like, "Kelly, you coming?"

Oh, see? Scrappy Doo!

The Globes may be over,

but the party is just getting started.

- Yes!
- From the snubs

to the OMG moments,
we've got you covered.

Stay tuned for exclusive interviews...

- Hey, you're still here.
- Yeah.

Did you take a shower?

Oh, trust me, you would not
have wanted me to take a bath.

With some people tweeting # Racist.

Hey, you fixed it! Look who's
crawling out of rock bottom.

Let's see what she has to say
about taking home a trophy.

Hey, thank you for trying to help me.

It's what I do.

How did it feel to be up
on that stage there tonight?

I'm going to need
to borrow some bottoms...

also some tops.