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1
00:00:03,383 --> 00:00:05,351
Uh-uh, nope, not gonna happen.
2
00:00:05,385 --> 00:00:07,686
Hey. Dina, is something wrong?
3
00:00:07,721 --> 00:00:09,622
You know the rules.
No religious crap in the store.
4
00:00:09,656 --> 00:00:11,757
Religious cr... Oh, this?
5
00:00:11,791 --> 00:00:15,060
This is just a winter barn display.
6
00:00:15,095 --> 00:00:16,528
With a Baby Jesus and Three Wise Men?
7
00:00:16,563 --> 00:00:18,731
That is a normal barn baby
8
00:00:18,765 --> 00:00:21,367
and three men of average intelligence.
9
00:00:22,058 --> 00:00:23,435
No, below average.
10
00:00:24,125 --> 00:00:24,703
No, average.
11
00:00:24,738 --> 00:00:27,640
Oh, wow. Well, I feel foolish.
12
00:00:27,674 --> 00:00:29,408
It's an honest mistake.
13
00:00:30,087 --> 00:00:31,110
I can't believe that I thought
14
00:00:31,144 --> 00:00:32,544
this guy was a wise man.
15
00:00:32,579 --> 00:00:35,402
What a stupid, stupid dummy I am.
16
00:00:35,497 --> 00:00:36,649
You're not that stupid.
17
00:00:36,683 --> 00:00:39,385
I mean, I guess if this was
someone from the Bible,
18
00:00:39,419 --> 00:00:42,087
you'd probably be pretty
upset if I did this.
19
00:00:45,592 --> 00:00:48,047
- Yeah, I probably would be.
- Probably would be, yeah.
20
00:00:48,048 --> 00:00:50,396
And I-I guess then you'd also
be upset if I did this.
21
00:00:51,264 --> 00:00:52,564
Oh!
22
00:00:52,599 --> 00:00:54,566
His head popped off.
23
00:00:54,601 --> 00:00:56,435
It's so much fun kicking them.
24
00:00:56,469 --> 00:00:58,137
- Isn't it?
- Yeah.
25
00:00:58,171 --> 00:01:00,172
Guess that brings us
to this little gentleman.
26
00:01:00,206 --> 00:01:01,005
Okay, could you just...
27
00:01:01,006 --> 00:01:02,741
Born with a simple destiny...
28
00:01:02,776 --> 00:01:05,310
to be punted across a Cloud 9 store.
29
00:01:05,345 --> 00:01:08,747
She... could... go... all... the... way!
30
00:01:08,782 --> 00:01:10,816
Wait, give me that! That's Baby Jesus!
31
00:01:10,850 --> 00:01:12,751
That is sweet little Baby Jesus!
32
00:01:12,786 --> 00:01:15,254
You leave him alone, you monster!
33
00:01:15,288 --> 00:01:17,256
They're all dolls, Glenn.
34
00:01:27,534 --> 00:01:30,869
Come on, I don't know if
it's a bulb or a stripped wire.
35
00:01:30,904 --> 00:01:32,371
Glenn, you've been trying
36
00:01:32,405 --> 00:01:33,772
for two months to solve this problem.
37
00:01:33,807 --> 00:01:35,140
I really don't think
you're gonna crack it
38
00:01:35,175 --> 00:01:36,298
on Christmas Eve.
39
00:01:36,299 --> 00:01:37,916
My grandmother would
kill me for saying this,
40
00:01:37,917 --> 00:01:40,871
but I just don't get why people
make such a big deal out of Christmas.
41
00:01:40,872 --> 00:01:42,245
- What?
- I mean, real talk...
42
00:01:42,246 --> 00:01:44,216
Christmas is pretty
disappointing and overhyped.
43
00:01:44,218 --> 00:01:45,680
- It's kind of like "Star Wars."
- Whoa!
44
00:01:45,681 --> 00:01:47,449
- You don't like "Star Wars"?
- Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
45
00:01:47,450 --> 00:01:50,189
Can we just one-at-a-time this?
46
00:01:50,223 --> 00:01:51,290
It's not about a day.
47
00:01:51,324 --> 00:01:52,620
It's about looking back
48
00:01:52,621 --> 00:01:54,827
on the year we shared
and celebrating it.
49
00:01:54,861 --> 00:01:57,196
Yeah, let's celebrate the
year a tornado hit the store.
50
00:01:57,230 --> 00:01:58,864
My entire apartment got destroyed.
51
00:01:58,898 --> 00:02:00,532
I got a really annoying roommate,
52
00:02:00,567 --> 00:02:02,701
- and he won't leave.
- I got a divorce.
53
00:02:02,736 --> 00:02:04,450
My boyfriend wound up in a coma.
54
00:02:04,451 --> 00:02:07,239
- I am looking for a place.
- Not looking hard enough.
55
00:02:07,240 --> 00:02:09,459
- It's just a sucky year.
- The doctors aren't sure
56
00:02:09,460 --> 00:02:10,809
- if he'll ever even...
- Cheyenne, can I have
57
00:02:10,844 --> 00:02:13,345
- the voltage tester, please?
- But I do have to say
58
00:02:13,379 --> 00:02:15,147
I'm looking forward to next year.
59
00:02:15,181 --> 00:02:18,417
I really feel like it's time
to just start living life.
60
00:02:18,451 --> 00:02:20,185
You know? Like, I don't know.
61
00:02:20,220 --> 00:02:22,821
- I feel like I can get wilder.
- Oh, God.
62
00:02:22,856 --> 00:02:24,323
You're not gonna cut
your hair again, are you?
63
00:02:24,357 --> 00:02:26,325
No. I mean, maybe.
64
00:02:26,359 --> 00:02:28,660
I don't know. I just mean, like...
65
00:02:28,695 --> 00:02:31,263
finally taking those motorcycle lessons,
66
00:02:31,297 --> 00:02:32,865
or skydiving, or, like,
67
00:02:32,899 --> 00:02:35,334
maybe I'll get a tattoo.
68
00:02:35,368 --> 00:02:38,170
Okay. Okay.
69
00:02:38,204 --> 00:02:40,172
There's just no way
you're doing any of that.
70
00:02:40,206 --> 00:02:44,126
I'm serious. I-I'm going to
unleash crazy Amy.
71
00:02:44,889 --> 00:02:47,946
- You guys can call me "Craymie."
- Uh, no, thanks.
72
00:02:47,981 --> 00:02:49,782
- Cray...
- Not doing that.
73
00:02:49,816 --> 00:02:51,683
- Amy, Craymie.
- Mm-hmm.
74
00:02:51,718 --> 00:02:53,719
All right, well, that was just a idea.
75
00:02:53,760 --> 00:02:55,150
Feels forced.
76
00:03:05,398 --> 00:03:06,765
Oh, dear God, it's cold out here.
77
00:03:06,800 --> 00:03:08,367
You're telling me.
78
00:03:08,401 --> 00:03:10,536
Well, it's, uh, toasty inside,
79
00:03:10,570 --> 00:03:12,437
and you're not really getting
any foot traffic anyway.
80
00:03:12,472 --> 00:03:15,274
So would you mind
stepping away from the door?
81
00:03:15,308 --> 00:03:16,875
- I'm sorry?
- You keep activating
82
00:03:16,910 --> 00:03:18,710
the automatic doors
and letting the heat out.
83
00:03:18,745 --> 00:03:21,380
Also, the bell ringing...
could you slow it down?
84
00:03:21,421 --> 00:03:24,346
Right now you're at a bell,
two, three, four.
85
00:03:24,347 --> 00:03:25,651
Why don't you try a bell...
86
00:03:26,533 --> 00:03:26,885
two...
87
00:03:27,764 --> 00:03:29,421
three... four?
88
00:03:29,828 --> 00:03:32,571
I only ask you because
it's... it's just so annoying.
89
00:03:33,459 --> 00:03:35,244
- Okay.
- Thanks.
90
00:03:36,192 --> 00:03:37,457
Who's a good boy?
91
00:03:38,598 --> 00:03:42,568
I think I saw the raccoon
feces somewhere around...
92
00:03:42,602 --> 00:03:46,405
Oh! Did someone leave hot cocoa
93
00:03:46,439 --> 00:03:49,508
in the middle of the store...
94
00:03:49,542 --> 00:03:52,411
with double the amount of cocoa powder?
95
00:03:52,872 --> 00:03:54,479
It's so Christmas, huh?
96
00:03:54,514 --> 00:03:56,102
Listen, Glenn, I know
what you're trying to do.
97
00:03:56,103 --> 00:03:58,483
But I'm actually trying to
limit my carbs right now.
98
00:03:58,518 --> 00:04:00,619
- So just...
- Just try it.
99
00:04:00,653 --> 00:04:02,354
- No, I don't want to.
- Try the cocoa.
100
00:04:02,388 --> 00:04:03,789
- No.
- It's from Santa Claus.
101
00:04:03,823 --> 00:04:06,173
- Glenn.
- Okay, fine. I'll go first.
102
00:04:09,050 --> 00:04:11,630
It's actually scalding hot,
so maybe give it a minute.
103
00:04:16,803 --> 00:04:18,437
Oh, great.
104
00:04:18,471 --> 00:04:20,839
- Narc alert.
- Oh, it's the fun police.
105
00:04:20,874 --> 00:04:22,708
- Time to get written up.
- Mm-hmm.
106
00:04:22,742 --> 00:04:25,075
Why would you just assume
I'm gonna turn you in?
107
00:04:25,076 --> 00:04:26,311
I mean, it's nothing personal, but...
108
00:04:26,346 --> 00:04:28,347
Yeah, you just always
act all lame and stuff.
109
00:04:28,381 --> 00:04:30,166
- Like a narc.
- Yeah, that's a good way of putting it.
110
00:04:30,167 --> 00:04:31,483
I don't understand
111
00:04:31,517 --> 00:04:34,234
why everyone thinks
I'm this little boring...
112
00:04:34,721 --> 00:04:36,735
All right, well, would a narc do this?
113
00:04:39,622 --> 00:04:41,693
That was the tiniest sip I've ever seen.
114
00:04:41,728 --> 00:04:43,328
It feels like what a narc would do
115
00:04:43,363 --> 00:04:44,663
- to prove they're not a narc.
- Yeah.
116
00:04:44,697 --> 00:04:46,832
Okay, well, how about this?
117
00:04:50,546 --> 00:04:52,892
I mean, now you're just
stealing my alcohol.
118
00:04:53,539 --> 00:04:54,171
Ugh.
119
00:04:54,941 --> 00:04:58,043
Oh, hey, man. Merry Christmas.
120
00:04:58,451 --> 00:05:00,119
Oh, wow. Thank you, Garrett.
121
00:05:01,094 --> 00:05:03,415
This is...
122
00:05:03,449 --> 00:05:06,385
I know things have been
a little tense lately.
123
00:05:06,419 --> 00:05:08,820
And I guess, you know,
when you work with someone
124
00:05:08,855 --> 00:05:11,209
you also live with,
things can be a little...
125
00:05:11,724 --> 00:05:13,912
Oh, is that a... is this a bath mat?
126
00:05:14,092 --> 00:05:16,662
Yeah, I just figured it'd be
something you could use
127
00:05:16,696 --> 00:05:18,864
based on the puddles by the shower.
128
00:05:18,898 --> 00:05:22,534
- Well, this is awesome.
- Yeah, right?
129
00:05:22,568 --> 00:05:24,036
Thank you.
130
00:05:24,070 --> 00:05:25,938
You know, I haven't
bought your gift yet.
131
00:05:25,972 --> 00:05:28,073
- Oh, not necessary.
- But I was thinking, you know,
132
00:05:28,107 --> 00:05:29,675
what about noise-canceling headphones?
133
00:05:29,709 --> 00:05:31,076
You know? So you don't... you don't have
134
00:05:31,110 --> 00:05:33,851
to keep banging on the wall
every time I make the tiniest peep.
135
00:05:33,852 --> 00:05:35,717
Or you could save some money
136
00:05:35,718 --> 00:05:38,713
and just quit it with the
harmonica lessons on YouTube.
137
00:05:38,752 --> 00:05:40,919
- That would be a gift.
- Ha! Yeah.
138
00:05:40,954 --> 00:05:43,236
- Yeah, it would be.
- Mm-hmm. Yeah.
139
00:05:43,417 --> 00:05:44,556
- Oh, it could be.
- Uh-huh.
140
00:05:44,590 --> 00:05:46,091
- It could be.
- Yeah.
141
00:05:46,125 --> 00:05:48,527
- Ah, anyway, good talk.
- Oh, great talk.
142
00:05:48,561 --> 00:05:50,429
- Incredible talk.
- Marvelous talk.
143
00:05:50,463 --> 00:05:52,764
Awesome talk. I'm out of earshot.
144
00:05:52,799 --> 00:05:55,033
And then another time,
I thought Jerry came
145
00:05:55,068 --> 00:05:57,123
out of his coma and winked at me,
146
00:05:57,503 --> 00:06:01,373
but turns out, it was just a
muscle spasm from low folic acid.
147
00:06:01,812 --> 00:06:02,975
- Uh-huh.
- Did you check the twitch
148
00:06:03,009 --> 00:06:04,543
for Morse Code?
He could have been telling you
149
00:06:04,577 --> 00:06:06,878
to stop talking, or it's possible
150
00:06:06,913 --> 00:06:08,613
he's in so much pain,
he's just begging anyone
151
00:06:08,648 --> 00:06:10,415
to pull the plug.
I think that's what it was.
152
00:06:10,450 --> 00:06:13,652
Yo, yo, yo. Cheer up, losers!
153
00:06:13,686 --> 00:06:16,888
- It's Christmas!
- What are you doing?
154
00:06:16,923 --> 00:06:20,092
- Turning this into a par-tay.
- Uh-oh!
155
00:06:20,126 --> 00:06:21,927
- Oh!
- Yeah!
156
00:06:21,961 --> 00:06:24,226
- I have ecstasy in my car.
- We'll start here
157
00:06:24,227 --> 00:06:25,797
and then see where the day takes us.
158
00:06:25,832 --> 00:06:28,667
Spread the word, bitches.
Craymie in the house!
159
00:06:28,701 --> 00:06:31,570
Yeah, go, Creamy! Go, Creamy!
160
00:06:31,604 --> 00:06:33,739
Creamy is here!
161
00:06:33,773 --> 00:06:37,042
- Who's Creamy?
- I don't... uh...
162
00:06:38,393 --> 00:06:39,111
I don't know.
163
00:06:51,031 --> 00:06:52,232
- Oh!
- Yes!
164
00:06:54,311 --> 00:06:55,744
All right, listen, it is dangerously
165
00:06:55,779 --> 00:06:58,134
cold out here, and I cannot turn
166
00:06:58,135 --> 00:07:00,227
a blind eye to this, not on Christmas.
167
00:07:00,618 --> 00:07:02,207
- Thank you.
- Come on, little buddy.
168
00:07:02,208 --> 00:07:03,560
You'll be warm inside.
169
00:07:03,587 --> 00:07:07,756
Bell... two..three... four.
170
00:07:07,791 --> 00:07:09,792
You just didn't know me before.
171
00:07:09,826 --> 00:07:13,295
Like, before I was married,
when I was in high school,
172
00:07:13,330 --> 00:07:15,242
I was... wild.
173
00:07:16,633 --> 00:07:20,336
Uh, I was, you guys. I was a teen mom.
174
00:07:20,370 --> 00:07:23,075
- Yeah, but weren't you 19?
- Still a teen.
175
00:07:23,076 --> 00:07:24,999
In some countries,
that's considered late.
176
00:07:25,038 --> 00:07:26,094
Angola, for instance.
177
00:07:26,095 --> 00:07:29,041
Okay, well, we're not
in stupid Angola, Marcus.
178
00:07:29,076 --> 00:07:30,876
Uh, good, 'cause you wouldn't last
179
00:07:30,911 --> 00:07:33,112
- five minutes there.
- No, you guys, I'm serious.
180
00:07:33,146 --> 00:07:35,281
I used to, like, shoplift bulk candy
181
00:07:35,315 --> 00:07:38,351
and, like, run, and one
time I stole a car.
182
00:07:38,385 --> 00:07:40,953
Yeah.
183
00:07:40,988 --> 00:07:42,670
- Okay.
- No, you guys, I did.
184
00:07:42,671 --> 00:07:44,198
It was 10th grade.
185
00:07:44,758 --> 00:07:46,726
I took my math teacher's Kia,
186
00:07:46,760 --> 00:07:49,895
drove it to the Burger King,
got some French toast sticks,
187
00:07:49,930 --> 00:07:52,064
and then I just left it there...
like, bounced.
188
00:07:52,603 --> 00:07:54,511
The French toast sticks
were a little too specific.
189
00:07:54,512 --> 00:07:55,334
But nice try.
190
00:07:55,369 --> 00:07:57,370
Yeah, you would never do that.
191
00:07:57,404 --> 00:07:59,258
No, I did do that.
192
00:07:59,259 --> 00:08:00,537
You know what? I could call Adam.
193
00:08:00,538 --> 00:08:01,674
He'll tell you the whole story.
194
00:08:01,708 --> 00:08:02,875
- Mm-hmm.
- All right.
195
00:08:02,909 --> 00:08:06,078
- Call him.
- Okay. I will.
196
00:08:06,113 --> 00:08:09,237
And then we'll see who's crazy.
197
00:08:09,616 --> 00:08:11,584
I had a ton of friends in high school.
198
00:08:11,618 --> 00:08:13,152
It was awesome.
199
00:08:13,186 --> 00:08:15,354
- Amy?
- Adam, hi.
200
00:08:15,389 --> 00:08:17,657
Yeah, it's Amy. Um, okay, so...
201
00:08:17,691 --> 00:08:19,859
tell everyone about that
one... do you remember...
202
00:08:19,893 --> 00:08:22,094
- Start a fire, or...
- Shh, shh.
203
00:08:22,129 --> 00:08:24,830
- Who was that?
- Uh, that's, uh...
204
00:08:24,865 --> 00:08:27,511
That's Bridgett. Emma's
friend Crystal's mom.
205
00:08:27,512 --> 00:08:30,036
Wait, Crystal's over?
I thought Emma was away.
206
00:08:30,070 --> 00:08:33,406
No, I'm at her place.
Um, what did you want?
207
00:08:36,043 --> 00:08:37,877
Nothing. Merry Christmas.
208
00:08:40,781 --> 00:08:42,882
Ha ha. Chickened out.
209
00:08:42,916 --> 00:08:44,250
Couldn't even ask about the car.
210
00:08:45,719 --> 00:08:46,336
Boom!
211
00:08:46,337 --> 00:08:49,255
- Oh, yes, yes!
- Ugh!
212
00:08:56,296 --> 00:08:57,897
You see all the dirt, grime, and gum?
213
00:08:57,931 --> 00:08:59,799
That gets on the bottom of your shoes,
214
00:08:59,833 --> 00:09:01,653
and then you put your shoes on my couch.
215
00:09:01,654 --> 00:09:04,437
Which is why I lay my
shoes on their side
216
00:09:04,471 --> 00:09:06,728
so that the soles don't
touch the fabric.
217
00:09:06,729 --> 00:09:08,441
Oh, you know, I think
you're working too hard.
218
00:09:08,475 --> 00:09:10,209
Why don't you just take off your shoes?
219
00:09:10,243 --> 00:09:11,811
- Oh, yeah.
- Hey, guys?
220
00:09:11,845 --> 00:09:13,312
There's a dad here with his kid,
221
00:09:13,346 --> 00:09:15,243
asking where the store Santa is.
222
00:09:15,377 --> 00:09:16,816
Tell him to check the drunk tank.
223
00:09:16,850 --> 00:09:19,575
Apparently Santa's Christmas
cheer level was at a .08.
224
00:09:19,576 --> 00:09:22,054
Maybe Santa has to drink
because Mrs. Claus
225
00:09:22,089 --> 00:09:24,056
won't get off his back
about shoes on the couch.
226
00:09:24,091 --> 00:09:25,725
Call me Mrs. Claus one more time.
227
00:09:25,759 --> 00:09:28,268
Guys, they drove an hour to get here.
228
00:09:31,331 --> 00:09:34,066
Ho, ho, ho! Merry Christmas!
229
00:09:34,101 --> 00:09:36,667
Merry Christmas from me, too.
I'm an elf.
230
00:09:38,205 --> 00:09:40,773
Well, I've come up with my
New Year's resolutions...
231
00:09:40,807 --> 00:09:42,842
more birds, more sex, more Judo.
232
00:09:42,876 --> 00:09:44,977
And I'm gonna try to
pepper, "Yas, queen,"
233
00:09:45,011 --> 00:09:47,146
into conversation more...
I think it's time.
234
00:09:47,180 --> 00:09:48,390
We're checking out that skank
235
00:09:48,391 --> 00:09:50,041
that Amy's ex-husband is sleeping with.
236
00:09:50,042 --> 00:09:53,352
No, uh-uh. We don't know
that they're sleeping together.
237
00:09:53,386 --> 00:09:55,921
There's a lot of reasons he
could be at that skank's house.
238
00:09:55,956 --> 00:09:58,457
- Oh, there she is.
- Mmm.
239
00:09:58,492 --> 00:10:00,993
Always, like, lurking around,
240
00:10:01,027 --> 00:10:03,195
waiting for a dad to come on the market.
241
00:10:03,230 --> 00:10:05,018
Yeah, she's so...
242
00:10:06,515 --> 00:10:08,013
Basic.
243
00:10:08,014 --> 00:10:09,540
Adam got with that?
244
00:10:10,070 --> 00:10:12,171
Guy's fighting above his weight class.
245
00:10:12,205 --> 00:10:13,222
Good for him.
246
00:10:22,516 --> 00:10:24,383
I've never done it before,
247
00:10:24,417 --> 00:10:26,852
but I could use triple the powder.
248
00:10:26,887 --> 00:10:28,854
Glenn, it's not like
I hate Christmas or anything.
249
00:10:28,889 --> 00:10:30,389
- It's fine.
- "Fine"?
250
00:10:30,423 --> 00:10:33,966
So "Winter Wonderland" is okay, and...
251
00:10:35,729 --> 00:10:37,697
You want to see what
Christmas is all about?
252
00:10:37,864 --> 00:10:39,865
- Come here.
- Glenn...
253
00:10:39,900 --> 00:10:40,740
Excuse me.
254
00:10:41,612 --> 00:10:44,069
You seem to have been
bitten by the Christmas bug.
255
00:10:44,104 --> 00:10:46,305
Sorry, we're making up for lost time.
256
00:10:46,339 --> 00:10:47,907
Oh, no, no, no. Kiss away.
257
00:10:47,941 --> 00:10:50,910
It must be Christmas moments like this
258
00:10:50,944 --> 00:10:52,978
that get you through your next tour.
259
00:10:53,013 --> 00:10:55,247
Oh, there won't be a next tour.
260
00:10:55,282 --> 00:10:56,869
- Oh?
- Tell him why, Hank.
261
00:10:57,450 --> 00:10:58,390
I...
262
00:10:59,953 --> 00:11:03,088
Okay, I was smoking something
I did not know was meth.
263
00:11:03,123 --> 00:11:05,057
- Okay.
- Then somehow my gun
264
00:11:05,091 --> 00:11:06,826
ended up going off
and shooting a service animal
265
00:11:06,860 --> 00:11:08,174
- at close range.
- Oh, God.
266
00:11:08,175 --> 00:11:10,196
He's got a tiny limp. He's fine.
267
00:11:10,230 --> 00:11:12,231
- I bet he's loving it.
- W-wait.
268
00:11:12,265 --> 00:11:13,829
It's still a Christmas miracle
269
00:11:13,830 --> 00:11:15,877
that you're home for the
birth of your baby.
270
00:11:15,878 --> 00:11:18,571
- The birth of a baby, anyway.
- Hank.
271
00:11:18,605 --> 00:11:20,439
I've been gone a year, Samantha.
272
00:11:20,473 --> 00:11:22,441
Hey, uh, thank you for your service.
273
00:11:22,475 --> 00:11:24,276
It's a delayed fetus!
274
00:11:24,311 --> 00:11:25,845
- I Googled that! No results!
- We have to go.
275
00:11:25,879 --> 00:11:27,279
There's cocoa in aisle nine.
276
00:11:27,314 --> 00:11:29,215
Your brother wasn't even in town.
277
00:11:29,249 --> 00:11:30,950
Should I tell you what I want?
278
00:11:30,984 --> 00:11:32,785
Yeah, that's a great place to start.
279
00:11:32,819 --> 00:11:35,140
- Uh, were you good this year?
- Yes.
280
00:11:35,141 --> 00:11:37,289
And would you like Santa
to bring you a real gift
281
00:11:37,324 --> 00:11:39,195
or a passive-aggressive one?
282
00:11:39,196 --> 00:11:41,961
Well, that depends.
Did you put your water glasses
283
00:11:41,995 --> 00:11:43,529
back in the sink,
or are there 100 of them
284
00:11:43,563 --> 00:11:45,364
- on your night stand?
- Come on, guys.
285
00:11:45,398 --> 00:11:46,966
That's so funny,
'cause I seem to remember
286
00:11:47,000 --> 00:11:48,434
Santa saying, "Make yourself at home."
287
00:11:48,468 --> 00:11:50,302
- But I guess...
- Elves don't talk.
288
00:11:50,337 --> 00:11:52,304
Oh, right, of course,
because if we do, Santa...
289
00:11:52,339 --> 00:11:54,406
bangs on the wall for us to shut up.
290
00:11:54,449 --> 00:11:55,674
Now say, "Candy canes!"
291
00:11:55,675 --> 00:11:57,810
Candy cane!
292
00:11:57,844 --> 00:11:59,245
I mean, it's just... It's messed up.
293
00:11:59,279 --> 00:12:01,080
- It is so messed up.
- You know what?
294
00:12:01,114 --> 00:12:03,916
I'm just gonna say it.
Men are from Mars.
295
00:12:03,950 --> 00:12:05,150
I just came up with that.
296
00:12:05,185 --> 00:12:06,886
- Oh, yes!
- Boom, boom.
297
00:12:06,920 --> 00:12:08,487
Do you know what I
feel like I should do?
298
00:12:08,521 --> 00:12:11,590
I feel like it's a good idea
to, like, go down there.
299
00:12:11,625 --> 00:12:15,060
- Go to her place.
- To Bridgett's house?
300
00:12:15,095 --> 00:12:16,996
Yeah. That's exactly
what I was thinking.
301
00:12:17,030 --> 00:12:20,602
No. No, no, no, no, no, no.
You should not go over there.
302
00:12:21,668 --> 00:12:23,903
We should all go over there.
303
00:12:24,470 --> 00:12:26,037
- Yes.
- To Bridgett's house?
304
00:12:26,064 --> 00:12:28,220
Yeah, just always assume
we're talking about Bridgett's house.
305
00:12:28,221 --> 00:12:30,786
- Yes, let's do it.
- Okay.
306
00:12:31,300 --> 00:12:33,050
Oh, but how are we gonna get there?
307
00:12:33,051 --> 00:12:36,039
Because I try not to drive
if I've had more than six.
308
00:12:36,040 --> 00:12:39,771
Oh, yeah, I should not be getting
behind the wheel of a car right now.
309
00:12:47,210 --> 00:12:50,535
- Later, suckers!
- We're free!
310
00:12:50,536 --> 00:12:51,805
Whoo!
311
00:12:57,224 --> 00:13:00,054
This is just like the movie "Wild Hogs."
312
00:13:00,089 --> 00:13:01,990
- What?
- "Wild Hogs"!
313
00:13:02,926 --> 00:13:05,469
- Okay.
- And we're sure this is
314
00:13:05,470 --> 00:13:07,061
faster than walking?
315
00:13:10,366 --> 00:13:13,969
Whoo-hoo-hoo-hoo!
316
00:13:14,172 --> 00:13:16,007
Who wants to do Adderall off my boobs?
317
00:13:16,041 --> 00:13:17,406
I just crushed it up.
318
00:13:17,407 --> 00:13:18,780
Kind of in the middle of a game here.
319
00:13:18,781 --> 00:13:19,527
Okay.
320
00:13:20,345 --> 00:13:21,852
- Mmm!
- Okay.
321
00:13:23,448 --> 00:13:26,406
This is it... the vulture's nest.
322
00:13:26,952 --> 00:13:28,986
Whoa. Look at all this stuff.
323
00:13:29,021 --> 00:13:31,455
Three owls? News flash...
324
00:13:31,490 --> 00:13:33,991
owls are notoriously solitary.
325
00:13:34,026 --> 00:13:35,927
- Three-owl bitch.
- All right.
326
00:13:35,961 --> 00:13:38,329
I'm gonna do this.
I'm gonna go knock on the door.
327
00:13:38,363 --> 00:13:39,810
Great, and then what?
328
00:13:42,167 --> 00:13:43,155
And then...
329
00:13:43,686 --> 00:13:45,803
Adam opens the door,
and then I get to see
330
00:13:45,837 --> 00:13:48,306
- the look on his face.
- Yas, queen!
331
00:13:48,340 --> 00:13:50,341
- Yes!
- I bet it's gonna be all like,
332
00:13:50,375 --> 00:13:54,145
"Whoa, you're a crazy stalker.
I'm scared."
333
00:13:58,183 --> 00:14:00,851
Oh, my God. This is a mistake.
334
00:14:00,886 --> 00:14:03,054
Uh, a mistake that we're
gonna laugh about one day.
335
00:14:03,088 --> 00:14:04,488
But not today.
336
00:14:04,523 --> 00:14:07,124
Oh, no, no, no. Today's gonna be a mess.
337
00:14:08,493 --> 00:14:10,461
We got to go. We got to go.
338
00:14:10,495 --> 00:14:12,196
- Go, go, go, go, go!
- Oh!
339
00:14:12,230 --> 00:14:13,798
- Okay.
- Get out of here.
340
00:14:15,167 --> 00:14:16,734
Oh, my God. My battery's dead.
341
00:14:16,768 --> 00:14:18,135
- Mine too.
- Hey, jump on with me.
342
00:14:18,170 --> 00:14:20,204
- I still got some juice.
- Okay.
343
00:14:20,238 --> 00:14:22,073
- Eh-eh-eh-eh-eh-eh.
- What?
344
00:14:22,107 --> 00:14:24,008
The max capacity
for the basket is a buck-fifty.
345
00:14:24,042 --> 00:14:26,477
What, are you kidding me?
I don't weigh 150 pounds.
346
00:14:26,511 --> 00:14:27,878
If you say so, but I'm weighing you
347
00:14:27,913 --> 00:14:29,880
- when we get back.
- Amy?
348
00:14:30,255 --> 00:14:31,415
Is that you?
349
00:14:31,781 --> 00:14:32,524
Adam?
350
00:14:33,185 --> 00:14:36,988
Dubanowski? You guys...
you remember Adam.
351
00:14:37,022 --> 00:14:39,023
- So random!
- Oh, yeah.
352
00:14:39,057 --> 00:14:44,259
Yeah.
353
00:14:44,463 --> 00:14:47,064
Look, I'm sorry I called
Christmas "fine," okay?
354
00:14:47,099 --> 00:14:50,334
Look, just trust me.
When you see a child's face
355
00:14:50,369 --> 00:14:52,236
light up at the sight
of Old Saint Nick...
356
00:14:52,270 --> 00:14:54,071
You're honestly claiming
357
00:14:54,106 --> 00:14:56,007
your life hasn't been
improved by fajita Thursdays?
358
00:14:56,041 --> 00:14:57,842
Oh, you mean "clean up my greasy kitchen
359
00:14:57,876 --> 00:14:59,377
'cause Jonah thinks
he's Bobby Flay" Thursdays?
360
00:14:59,411 --> 00:15:01,012
What the [bleep] is wrong with you?
361
00:15:01,046 --> 00:15:02,246
What the [bleep] is wrong with you?
362
00:15:05,917 --> 00:15:06,781
Magical.
363
00:15:13,959 --> 00:15:17,094
Mmm. Wow.
364
00:15:17,129 --> 00:15:20,431
This coffee is... terrible.
365
00:15:20,465 --> 00:15:22,266
Awful. Yeah, tastes like piss.
366
00:15:22,300 --> 00:15:26,270
- I feel like I'm drinking piss.
- Oh, uh, sorry.
367
00:15:26,304 --> 00:15:28,939
So I bet you guys are
wondering why we're here.
368
00:15:28,974 --> 00:15:30,541
Yeah, kind of. Yeah.
369
00:15:30,575 --> 00:15:33,944
Well, get ready to die.
370
00:15:33,979 --> 00:15:35,279
Not because I'm gonna kill you,
371
00:15:35,313 --> 00:15:37,782
just 'cause it...
it's a really fun story.
372
00:15:37,816 --> 00:15:39,150
Um, I told my coworkers
373
00:15:39,184 --> 00:15:40,951
that I stole a car in 10th grade,
374
00:15:40,986 --> 00:15:42,121
and they didn't believe me.
375
00:15:42,122 --> 00:15:44,822
So I just need Adam to verify that.
376
00:15:44,856 --> 00:15:46,791
She did. 10th grade.
377
00:15:46,825 --> 00:15:49,493
Well, there you go.
It happ... it happened.
378
00:15:49,528 --> 00:15:51,228
So you drove a shopping cart three miles
379
00:15:51,263 --> 00:15:53,064
through the freezing cold to...
380
00:15:53,098 --> 00:15:55,800
Maybe you should tell us
why you're here, Adam,
381
00:15:55,834 --> 00:15:58,469
with little miss tight sweater
and her disgusting coffee,
382
00:15:58,503 --> 00:16:00,237
which if I could just get a top-up...
383
00:16:00,272 --> 00:16:02,406
Uh, sure. Yes.
384
00:16:02,441 --> 00:16:07,111
Um, okay. Well, this is awkward.
385
00:16:07,145 --> 00:16:10,827
But me and Bridge have
been seeing each other.
386
00:16:10,828 --> 00:16:12,044
Wow.
387
00:16:12,851 --> 00:16:14,485
Bridge. Okay.
388
00:16:14,519 --> 00:16:16,854
I didn't know if... if I was
supposed to tell you.
389
00:16:16,888 --> 00:16:19,490
It's not like there's a-a
rulebook for this kind of...
390
00:16:19,524 --> 00:16:20,991
Oh, what about the rulebook of respect?
391
00:16:21,026 --> 00:16:22,159
- That's... No, I...
- Oh, please.
392
00:16:22,194 --> 00:16:23,626
Do you roast your own beans?
393
00:16:23,627 --> 00:16:26,163
Okay, guys, it's fine.
Look, Adam's moving on.
394
00:16:26,198 --> 00:16:27,703
I'm moving on, too.
395
00:16:27,704 --> 00:16:29,467
I just started taking skydiving lessons.
396
00:16:29,501 --> 00:16:32,436
So we're both killing it. We should go.
397
00:16:32,471 --> 00:16:34,338
We have to wait
for the scooter to charge.
398
00:16:34,372 --> 00:16:36,240
Okay, we should sit.
399
00:16:40,645 --> 00:16:44,548
You wouldn't happen to have a
scale we could use, would you?
400
00:16:44,583 --> 00:16:45,950
Forget it.
401
00:16:48,687 --> 00:16:50,855
- You okay?
- Huh? Yeah.
402
00:16:50,889 --> 00:16:52,356
Yeah, yeah. Fine.
403
00:16:52,390 --> 00:16:54,191
Okay, 'cause you look a little bit
404
00:16:54,226 --> 00:16:56,026
like a disgruntled Keebler Elf
405
00:16:56,061 --> 00:16:57,528
about to shoot up the tree house.
406
00:16:57,562 --> 00:17:00,030
It's just... it's like he wants
to be mad at me,
407
00:17:00,065 --> 00:17:02,399
so he just comes up
with these little excuses.
408
00:17:02,434 --> 00:17:04,201
You know, like, he'll...
he'll take the trash out
409
00:17:04,236 --> 00:17:05,536
when it's half full
just so he can be like,
410
00:17:05,570 --> 00:17:07,404
"There's another thing Jonah didn't do."
411
00:17:07,439 --> 00:17:09,373
I only take my trash out
412
00:17:09,407 --> 00:17:11,142
when it topples over like a Jenga tower.
413
00:17:11,176 --> 00:17:14,011
Right? Thank you.
Maybe we should be roommates.
414
00:17:14,045 --> 00:17:16,013
Well, I'd have to run your credit check.
415
00:17:16,047 --> 00:17:16,712
Oh, yeah?
416
00:17:16,713 --> 00:17:18,439
What's your debt-to-income ratio?
417
00:17:18,440 --> 00:17:21,385
I want to say... seven. Is that...
418
00:17:21,419 --> 00:17:23,187
- That is not good.
- Is that bad? No?
419
00:17:23,221 --> 00:17:25,156
- No.
- Well, I ran into
420
00:17:25,190 --> 00:17:27,424
a lot of trouble with my, uh,
Eddie Bauer Discover card.
421
00:17:27,459 --> 00:17:30,161
- College.
- Yeah.
422
00:17:38,069 --> 00:17:40,070
- Well...
- Yep.
423
00:17:40,105 --> 00:17:43,240
- That was mortifying for you.
- Mm-hmm, I was there, Dina.
424
00:17:45,110 --> 00:17:47,578
Wow. I don't know
what the hell that was.
425
00:17:47,612 --> 00:17:49,547
Okay, that was crazy.
426
00:17:49,581 --> 00:17:52,249
- What are you doing?
- I told you.
427
00:17:52,284 --> 00:17:54,952
I'm Craymie. Year of Craymie!
428
00:17:54,986 --> 00:17:58,422
Quick, take something! Hurry, come on!
429
00:17:58,456 --> 00:17:59,924
Go, go!
430
00:18:02,727 --> 00:18:04,361
Go, go, go, go!
431
00:18:04,396 --> 00:18:06,697
- Go, go!
- Don't fail me now!
432
00:18:06,731 --> 00:18:08,065
- Go!
- There I go!
433
00:18:08,099 --> 00:18:09,266
- Yeah!
- Whoo-hoo!
434
00:18:09,301 --> 00:18:12,036
Yas, queen!
435
00:18:12,070 --> 00:18:14,038
Bye.
436
00:18:19,238 --> 00:18:21,405
I took this from the lawn
437
00:18:21,439 --> 00:18:24,208
of my ex-husband's girlfriend!
438
00:18:24,249 --> 00:18:27,051
Whoo!
439
00:18:28,466 --> 00:18:30,814
So you put water in his shampoo?
440
00:18:30,849 --> 00:18:33,117
I was diluting it to make more, okay?
441
00:18:33,151 --> 00:18:34,918
Oh, God.
442
00:18:34,953 --> 00:18:37,454
Wow, I am the worst roommate ever.
443
00:18:37,489 --> 00:18:39,423
I mean, I wouldn't call you great.
444
00:18:39,457 --> 00:18:41,291
- Yeah.
- But at least...
445
00:18:42,460 --> 00:18:44,794
Nope, I got nothing.
446
00:18:44,963 --> 00:18:47,605
Jeez. Maybe my Christmas present
447
00:18:47,606 --> 00:18:49,589
to Garrett should be
a night off from me.
448
00:18:49,590 --> 00:18:51,435
Well, I know this dive bar
449
00:18:51,469 --> 00:18:53,337
that's open all night Christmas Eve.
450
00:18:53,371 --> 00:18:56,395
They have a pool table and one
of those video poker machines...
451
00:18:56,396 --> 00:18:57,609
Oh.
452
00:18:57,610 --> 00:18:59,043
That's just sexual for no reason.
453
00:18:59,044 --> 00:19:01,412
Oh, well, that sounds festive.
454
00:19:01,446 --> 00:19:03,147
Yeah, I could...
455
00:19:03,181 --> 00:19:05,582
I could stay at, like,
a creepy motel nearby.
456
00:19:05,617 --> 00:19:07,951
Yeah, yeah, or, I don't know,
457
00:19:07,986 --> 00:19:10,287
maybe we'll hit it off,
and you'll end up at my place.
458
00:19:21,566 --> 00:19:23,869
So you guys stole her lawn ornaments?
459
00:19:23,870 --> 00:19:26,136
- Mm-hmm.
- Girl, you are getting crazy.
460
00:19:26,171 --> 00:19:29,840
I told you guys. I am a psycho.
461
00:19:29,874 --> 00:19:32,976
Oh, yeah, you got to let
Craymie out more often.
462
00:19:33,011 --> 00:19:34,878
But call her something else,
463
00:19:34,913 --> 00:19:37,014
'cause that name sucks.
464
00:19:37,048 --> 00:19:39,383
- What's wrong with Craymie?
- Hey, man, I'm gonna...
465
00:19:39,417 --> 00:19:41,452
I'm gonna crash elsewhere tonight, so...
466
00:19:41,486 --> 00:19:43,353
Not in, like, a spiteful
way or anything.
467
00:19:43,388 --> 00:19:46,720
Just, you know, uh, merry Christmas.
468
00:19:46,986 --> 00:19:48,652
Okay, thanks.
469
00:19:50,028 --> 00:19:52,029
And I can... I can just, like,
send you my... my add...
470
00:19:52,063 --> 00:19:53,297
the... the address
of where we're gonna be...
471
00:19:53,331 --> 00:19:55,199
- I'll be fine.
- Yeah.
472
00:19:55,233 --> 00:19:56,533
I'll just... I'll just drop a pin
and text it to you, then.
473
00:19:56,568 --> 00:19:58,335
Okay.
474
00:19:58,369 --> 00:20:00,537
Well, I think I finally figured out
475
00:20:00,572 --> 00:20:02,087
these Christmas lights.
476
00:20:02,401 --> 00:20:05,031
See if you can still call this "fine."
477
00:20:05,032 --> 00:20:06,753
Wow. Christmas lights.
478
00:20:06,754 --> 00:20:09,313
I've never experienced the
miracle of little lightbulbs
479
00:20:09,347 --> 00:20:10,372
on a string before.
480
00:20:13,384 --> 00:20:17,588
- Oh!
- Wow!
481
00:20:25,230 --> 00:20:27,998
That's, uh... super lame.
482
00:20:28,032 --> 00:20:30,901
Yeah. Super lame.
483
00:20:33,571 --> 00:20:34,709
Where's Jonah?
484
00:20:36,074 --> 00:20:37,263
He would love this.
485
00:20:38,695 --> 00:20:40,544
You know, I, uh, went to college
486
00:20:40,578 --> 00:20:42,369
on a pool scholarship.
487
00:20:42,370 --> 00:20:45,215
- Is that right?
- I'm really good at pool.
488
00:20:51,089 --> 00:20:52,222
Hello?
489
00:20:53,491 --> 00:20:56,293
Really?
490
00:20:56,327 --> 00:20:57,668
Yeah, hold on.
491
00:20:58,429 --> 00:21:01,098
You guys! Jerry's out of his coma!
492
00:21:01,132 --> 00:21:04,401
Is anyone sober enough
to take me to the hospital?
493
00:21:06,604 --> 00:21:07,639
I'll be right there.
494
00:21:22,453 --> 00:21:25,710
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