Original subtitles

- Tie a rope around the big suitcase - It's okay, Mom

Ben, get a rope, put it around the suitcase

"It's okay, Mom"

It'll break open in the middle of the street

"It's okay, Mom"

You packed everything?

- Just about - What'd you leave?

I left some pictures and some books, and I'll pick them up when I come back

You're coming back? I thought this was, uh, for good, huh?

I don't wanna argue, Mom Let me help you, Pop

- Did you hear - I can do it I can do it

Do you hear? Mr Greenwich Village

is gonna honor us with his, uh, presence

He He's gonna come back

When? When are you gonna come back?

- When? When? - I'm not arguing with you, Mom

Don't argue

Okay

Don't argue

- Thanks I'm gonna be going now - Wait

Thanks, Pop See you later

- Good-bye - So long, Ma

Mom, you said you wouldn't do it

Mom, what you are doing is called hysteria

You're trying to make me feel guilty about going

Mom, I am going I have to go I have to live my own life

I am 22 years old

Mom, you're gonna give yourself a heart attack

Jesus Christ, will you stop it?

Nothing you do is gonna stop me from going

You are not going to make me feel guilty

Come on Let's go Come on Let's go Come on Let's go

Come on Give me the ball

Larry Larry

Hi, Mrs Tupperman

- Where are you going with all that luggage? - Greenwich Village

- You're moving? - Yeah

- What's in Greenwich Village? - Fame and fortune

I'll see you later, Mrs Tupperman

Be careful, Larry

I got it Come on

Kaiser rolls Kaiser rolls

Oh, boy, am I guilty

- Maybe I should get a diaphragm - That would be nice

- For you - Maybe I should get a diaphragm

I wonder if my mother's fits me

You've talked to your mother about things like that?

No She doesn't even know I know she has a diaphragm

- How do you know? - I looked in her drawer one night

- You love me? - I told you I might get a diaphragm

- Where will you get it? - I'll go to a doctor

- What doctor? - I'll find a doctor It's easy

- Where will you keep it? - In a drawer

Doesn't your mother go through your stuff?

I'll bury it in the backyard What is this?

You're a very funny lady We should do a comedy act together

We just did a comedy act together

Oh I was just funny, huh?

I wasn't good? I wasn't great?

- Was I funny, or was I great? - Stop it, Larry

Was I funny, or was I great?

You were fine

I love that "You were fine"

Larry Lapinsky, my dear, is not fine

Larry Lapinsky is King Kong

Larry

Larry Lapinsky is either a sexual brute or a tender poet

Fine he is not

You were fine

Call your mother and tell her you're staying overnight with a girlfriend

I don't have a girlfriend

What are we gonna do?

- When? What do you mean? - With our lives

Well, I don't know about you, but I'm gonna get a diaphragm

I think about suicide once or twice a day

- That's normal - I really do

- So - Do you?

- Not lately - Why do I do it?

Suicide makes you feel talented

You feel like a Dostoyevskian hero

Did you hear the one about Dostoyevsky and Tolstoy?

Dostoyevsky meets Tolstoy in the streets of Moscow

They both have to take a pee, so they take a pee right in the street

So Dostoyevsky says to Tolstoy, "Why"

"Why are you peeing on my pants leg?" I heard it

- Come on, Larry Get dressed - Do you want a beer?

- No, I gotta go home - Oh, come on One beer

Come, Patruska, we shall dance

We shall dance in the snow Mmm

You're crazy No Look, come on, Larry

I gotta wash my hair, and I got a lot of things to do Come on

A glass of beer will do you good

Would you please put your pants on?

Hi Buenas noches, señor

- How are you? - Good

- Who is that? - It's Nick Kessler

He's a crazy guy He saved up all his money to go to Mexico

Wanted to see the ruins You know, get into the primitive thing

So he quit his job and everything, and he took off for Mexico City on Monday

- Two beers, Ray - Yesterday Monday?

Right So he got off the plane, and he ate a taco,

and he got a terrible case of the shits,

so he took the next plane back

He spent two and a half hours in Mexico

He says it stinks

I wonder if they sell diaphragms in Mexico

They sell crosses in Mexico

- Hey-hey, Barney - How's the actor?

How you doing, Barney? This is Sarah, my girlfriend

- Didn't I meet you at the New School? - I don't think so

Did you ever take a course in modern art with Ben Probst?

- No - That's cool

- You know anybody needs an abortion? - Not lately

I know someone clean and dependable A lot of butchers running around

I'll be sure to let you know when I get knocked up

Hey, no offense I just get a cut if I steer business

- I'll see you later, Barney - Oh

- Excuse me - You'd make a great model

Let me know if you wanna come sit for me

You ever done any modeling? My name's Barney

- No - You remind me of a Rubens

- Can he paint? - I doubt it

Oh, I want you to meet Bernstein

- Bernstein? - Yeah, his first name is Bernstein

His real name is Bernstein Chandler

His mother's a cleaning lady

She worked 30 years for a Jewish family named Bernstein

She named him after them

- Hi - Hello, Larry, darling

- And you must be Sarah - How did you know?

My dear, I am a friend of Connie's,

and you are a ravishing Semitic beauty

So are you, kiddo

Larry, Sarah, I'd like you to meet Sven

How do you do?

- I beg your pardon? - He's Norwegian

Doesn't speak a word of English

Isn't he beautiful?

I met him on the subway this morning, and I think I'm in love,

but I don't know how to tell him

Does anyone know how to say "I love you" in Norwegian?

Get a poem for a loved one

- They're only 25 cents - I'm broke, Jake

- They're only 25 cents - All right Wait a second

"In the winter, I'm a Buddhist

In the summer, I'm a nudist"

They're only 25 cents Anybody else want one?

- Marvelous - Ah

- Beautiful Beautiful - Thank you

- Thank you, Jake - Read it to your loved ones

Here you go, loved one

What do you wanna be when you grow up?

- I forget - I wanna be a star

I wanna go to Mexico

I never wanted to be a cop or a fireman or a pilot

For a brief time there, I wanted to be a war hero

I always wanted to be a star

I used to lay in the bathtub dreaming of me as

Robin Hood or Louis Pasteur

I'm bored There's nothing happening in New York

- What, are you depressed? - Yeah

I wish I was Nah, I I just feel weird

Let's get married

Maybe I should go to an analyst

- You're better off in Mexico - Maybe I should go to a Mexican analyst

So tell me, my dear, what seems to be the trouble?

I wanna be Miss Subways

You're a very sick girl

Good night, Larry

- One minute - What?

You're a mess

You know what?

Larry, come here

Put a rubber on

- I didn't bring anything - Schmuck

- Shh - Schmuck

This proves I don't love you for just your body

I'll call you tomorrow

- What if your father wakes up? - My father sleeps like a dead man

My mother's probably watching us right this second

I'll pull out before I come, okay?

I love you, Sarah

To be or not to be that is the question

Whether 'tis nobler in the mind

to suffer the slings and arrows of outrageous fortune

or to take arms against a sea of troubles, and by opposing, end them

To die, to sleep no more,

and by a sleep to say we end the heartache

and the thousand natural shocks that flesh is heir to

Hey, Blanche

What are you doin', Blanche, baby?

I wanna tell you about the Napoleonic code, Blanche

I hold in my hand a copy of the Napoleonic code

Understand me, Blanche?

You got some chewing gum on your tit

I thought it was diamonds

I thought it was a diamond tiara

I'll see you later, Blanche

Stella Where are you, Stella, baby?

Stella

Stella, baby, where are you?

Stella

Stella

Where are you, Ste

Thank you very much, ladies and gentlemen of the Academy

This Oscar gives me great pleasure

But I don't think that this award goes just to Larry Lapinsky

No, no There are a lot of other people involved in this

First of all, I would like to thank my director, Elia Kazan

It was It was Gadg who first discovered me in the 42nd Street library

Without Gadg, there would be no Larry Lapinsky

I would also like to thank the author of this film

that great Jewish writer, Eugene O'Neill

Gene, thank you

Boy Boy, this was really something

But, ladies and gentlemen of the Academy,

I don't think that this evening would be complete

if I didn't thank the little lady who has stood behind me all these years

As a matter of fact, she's standing behind me now

Mom, say a few words

When my darling

When my darling, adorable, loving son first told my husband and myself

that he wanted to be an actor, I scoffed

Oh, boy, did I scoff

But tonight, I realized that I scoffed wrongly

You don't scoff at an Academy Award winner

My son's performance as Sheriff Luke Marshall

in Last Train to Budapest

will go down as one of the great performances in motion picture history

But, ladies and gentlemen of the Academy, tell me one thing

Why does my son complain when I bring him a chicken

to his big-deal Greenwich Village apartment?

Why? Why? Why? I'll tell you why, Mom

Because your boy's an ingrate

He doesn't understand the Napoleonic code

Hey, you Yeah, you Come here

- You're waking up the whole neighborhood - I'm sorry, Officer

- Are you crazy? - I was just doing some imitations

- They stink - I know

What was that supposed to be over there? Marlon Brando?

Yeah

- It was - Well, it sounded like Edward G Robinson

I know Well, my Marlon Brando sounds just like my Edward G Robinson

Well, let me hear Edward G Robinson

Yeah Yeah

All right, you guys I'm Little Caesar, see?

- Yeah Yeah - Are you in show business, kid?

- I wanna be an actor, yeah - Well, take my advice

Get into another line

Thank you, Officer, for your advice

But most of all, I would like to thank an unknown police officer

who was the first person to give me encouragement

Have a nice day I'll see you soon Enjoy

- Excuse me I'm here about the job - Are you the boy from the agency?

Yes The Canal Street Employment Agency sent me

Canal Street

Herb, the boy from the agency is here

- You got experience? - Yes, sir

- I worked as a waiter in the Catskills - Did you ever work a counter?

- Yes Yes, I did - Where?

My uncle had a place in Brooklyn I worked the counter

- Where in Brooklyn? - Brownsville

- Did you ever work a juicer? - Uh, I don't know

- What's a juicer? - This is a juicer

I never worked a juicer No, sir

- Are you a college boy? - Yeah I graduated from Brooklyn College

What's a college graduate looking for a job in a restaurant for?

I need the money Hey, mister, look, if I'm not right, tell me

I need a boy from 11:00 to 3:00 We're mostly a lunch trade

- 11:00 to 3:00 is fine with me - Good morning, Herb

Good morning, Mr Elkins How do you feel?

- I had a bad night - The head or the stomach?

In here All night, like a hammer

You ate some crap yesterday

- Right or wrong? - Well, uh

Right or wrong, please

I had a corned beef sandwich for lunch

You hear that?

He ate a poison sandwich for lunch, and he wonders if he's in pain

I'll fix you a cabbage and a carrot juice

That'll take care of today

But do me a favor

If you go on poison tonight, don't come back

I'm not a magician

- Helen Get me an apron - What?

I'm gonna show him how to work the juicer

- What's your name? - Larry

- First and last, please - Lapinsky Larry Lapinsky

You got the job, Larry Lapinsky

But you never worked a counter in Brooklyn Right or wrong?

Right

So what are you standing around?

- Let's get to work - Okay

- What's this? - Spinach

- And what's this? - It's a carrot

Good thinking Now, make me a carrot and spinach juice right away

Watch the hand Accidents I need Get in there Here

He was right in the middle of rehearsing this TV show when they fired him

- Bastards - Is he actually a Communist?

He's a very good actor That's all I know

- They're really afraid of McCarthy - He's a paranoid schizophrenic

- That's why they're afraid of him - Hey, Connie, what's happening?

Follow us, my dears Anita Cunningham just called

Said she's gonna kill herself

- When did she call? - About a half an hour ago

Well, why did you wait a half an hour?

She commits suicide once a week She usually calls back

Heh-heh She didn't call back

- Hey, what's happened? - Anita Cunningham is committing suicide

- Can I watch? - Listen, I'm not going in there if she used gas

Where does she live?

Speaking of gas, Connie, I think you left the water boiling

Oh

You're crazy

Anita, we're here

I can smell the cat piss already

Anita, we're coming

Hey, what floor does she live on?

Fifth floor, darling

To hell with it

- Anita? - Anita

Anita, it's Connie

Anita, open up in the name of the law

Anita, it's Connie Open up

- I'm Robert Fullmer - Anita

Larry Lapinsky This is Sarah Ross

- Hi - Anita, it's Connie Open up

- Connie says you're an actor - I'm studying

- I'm writing a play Let's have a chat - Anita

- Great - Anita

- Be my guest - I think it's serious

Anita

Anita

Where are you?

Stop playing games, Anita

Anita, you crazy maniac, are you alive or dead?

- Is this gas or cat piss? - It's pleasant, isn't it?

Anita

- Anita - Shh

She's in the bathroom

Anita

Anita, open up It's Connie

- Anita, open the door - Anita, this is Robert

Open the door, or I'll drown your cats

I don't wanna live I don't wanna live

I don't wanna live

I don't wanna live I don't wanna live

I don't want to live

I don't wanna live I don't wanna live

- Shall I call an ambulance? - Wait, wait, wait Get a towel

- She'll bleed to death - She's got a lot of blood

I don't think it's very deep Get a towel

I think we should get her to a doctor

Shame on you

It's a Gillette

That's the same blade she used last month

- It's superficial, very superficial - I don't wanna live

- Don't wanna live Don't wanna live - Do you have any iodine?

- I don't wanna live - Yes, my dear, but where is the iodine?

Over the sink Don't wanna live Don't

- I don't wanna live - Oh

- I don't wanna live I don't wanna live - It's all right I know

- I don't wanna live - Yeah

- I don't wanna live - Oh, yeah Yes

- I don't wanna live - It's gonna be okay

I don't wanna live

If the Rosenbergs are executed, I think there'll be a lot of craziness in this year

- I don't think so I doubt it - How can you say that?

There'll be outrage on the part of the liberals,

some passionate demonstrations, famous people will rant and rave,

but nothing will happen

I don't say that the government will be overthrown

- I just think something will happen - Two people have died

- It's a terrible thing - Terrible?

Terr

That's a terribly easy word

Well, what word would you use?

I don't know I mean, it's difficult

to find precise words in the English language

I'm sure you can find one somewhere

I don't know if I can The language is tricky

Do you remember if I left the water boiling in my place?

Would "tragic" be a better word?

I don't think you left the water boiling No, "tragic" would not be a better word

The Rosenbergs are pathetic figures

- They're not tragic - But what's happening to them is tragic

- But they're not tragic figures - I think you're full of shit

That may well be, but "tragic" and "terrible" are still the wrong words

Is "full of shit" the right word?

That's more like what I was looking for, yeah

Bravo

You all think I'm crazy, don't you?

You think I'm just trying to get attention, don't you?

You're wrong

I hate my life

Nothing feels good

I feel sad when I get up in the morning

I feel sad when I go to sleep

I really don't wanna live

And I really don't wanna die I'm afraid of dying

Afraid of living, afraid of dying

Men don't want me Not the men I want

How do you expect to keep a man in that filthy apartment?

- Cease - What cease?

One of these days, I'm really gonna do it

I won't call I promise

Hey, bubelah, come on Let's go to a movie

Mmm

Excellent notion

- Those are beautiful rings you're wearing - Thank you, my dear

They were given to me by my father, who's an African prince

Tell me How does your father, who is an African prince,

get along with your mother, who is a cleaning woman?

- Royally, my dear - I think Zapata is playing at the Waverly

- I saw it - I think it's a terribly easy film

I think it's terribly Jewish

- I think you're all full of shit - Did you see Limelight?

- Is that Charlie Chaplin? - Yeah

I love Charlie Chaplin

I think I left my water boiling

You call this an apartment?

I don't call this an apartment

An apartment has furniture This is not furniture

Mom What do you mean, Mom?

I've got a record player I've got a lovely sling chair

I have a fabulous print by Bruegel

That is not funny, my darling son

Not funny at all Ben, go down and get some cream soda

I saw a place on the corner

Mom, I don't need any cream soda

Pop, you stay right where you are

Well, I need some cream soda

- Ben, you hear me? - Mom

Look, let Pop take a load off his feet, huh?

I'll get the soda

Cream Can you remember that?

Sure, Mom Cream

Hi, Mom Hi, Pop

Come on in

Eh Eh

You call this an apartment? I don't call this an apartment

An apartment's got shelving and curtains, uh, furniture

- This is not furniture - What do you mean, Mom?

I've got a record player I have a lovely sling chair

I have a fabulous print by Bruegel

You got a toilet? I'm dying

Right this way

Enough with the humor and the so-called sarcasm

Ooh, it's like the North Pole in here

Does the icebox work? I've got some perishables

Of course it works

How do you like the paint job, Pop?

It's not bad for an actor

That could use enamel

- How much is the rent? - Twenty-five a month

- How's the job? - It's okay

I think it would be smart if you got your teacher's license

It's good to have something to fall back on

I don't wanna be a teacher

During the Depression, I made 13 dollars a week when I was lucky

Have you got any cockroaches?

Only when I turn the lights on in the middle of the night

Oh, Mr Wise Guy

Let me get rid of this stuff here

You know, I got you a challah and a rye bread and a pumpernickel

- Your toilet's broken - I can't eat three loaves of bread

Uh, here Put the cream cheese away before it melts

Where's the lox? Where's the lox?

That bastard He forgot to give us the lox

- I put the lox away - So why couldn't you just tell me?

I got you brownies

from Ratners

You love brownies You love

And I got some tooth powder

- And, oh, a chicken - Mom

And here's some underwear that you forgot

Great Maybe I can put the cream cheese on the underwear and eat it

That's not funny You left your dirty underwear at home

Mom

I appreciate everything you're doing for me,

but you're stocking me with enough food for ten years

- Don't scream at me - How the hell am I gonna cook a chicken?

You cook a chicken in a pot That's how you cook a chicken

Ben, listen Listen to that voice

- Listen - Wonderful

Now watch Watch when he hits this high note

I don't care what happens

Next year I'm going to the Met, and I'm gonna see him

He's really great

Well, I guess

it's time to go, huh?

Uh, listen, next week I'll bring you a couple curtains, huh?

- We'll see ya - Okay

- I'll probably be here - What do you mean, probably?

I can't predict the future What if something comes up next Sunday?

What could come up?

- Listen, what time you gonna call me? - I don't know

- You'll call me tomorrow night? - That's what I said

- I'll call you tomorrow night - Let's go, Faye

Now I get it from both sides

Go? Where should I go? Back to my dungeon in Brooklyn

For Christ's sake, will you stop it

Let's get out of here We're not wanted

We're not wanted here Let's go You were right

You said on the subway, we should never come here

- I didn't say we shouldn't come here - Well, somebody said it

I'll call you tomorrow

- What time? - 4:00

Oh

Somewhere there must be happy boys and girls

who can who can teach us the way to live

Somewhere there must be a city where

where poverty is no crime, where music's no shame,

where there's no war in the streets

where a man is glad to be himself

to live and make his woman herself

Give up fighting?

But where do we go?

Tonight, Joe, we ride in your car,

we speed through the night

across the park, over the Triborough Bridge

Right That's it We ride

Clear my head We drive through the night

When you mow down the night with your headlights, nobody gets you

You're on top of the world then Nobody laughs

That's it Speed

We're off the Earth Unconnected

That's what speed's for You don't have to think

It's an easy way to live

Lorna, darling,

we'll burn up the night

Lights, please

I wasn't involved for one second

Well, since you started, go ahead

There's nothing else to say

I was lousy

It just wasn't real for me I was pushing

- No, I don't think you were pushing - Larry, let her finish

I'm finished I'm really finished

Aw, that's silly

I was so tense I was so nervous Um

I just It was bad It was bad

Now, see, it's beginning to happen for you a little bit now

You know why? Because you feel you were bad

You feel you failed, and you punished yourself

You poked your thumbnail You poked your fingers into the palm of your hand

Have to do specific things

Some very good things happened because you touched him

You tried to do concrete things to him with your hands

Then I would be appalled

I would say, "She put her hands in her pockets" Kills you

I just felt the dialogue was so, you know, stilted

that to do that was to make it even more stilted

Darlin'

No, no, no No No When you do things, then the dialogue recedes

into its proper place, and you won't even hear that it's stilted

It isn't stilted It's very beautiful

- Can I say one thing? - Yeah

Well, I don't understand how you can do a scene

if, um, you don't understand the situation

No, no, no See, you don't You don't work that way

You don't- number one understand and take in

the whole emotional thing that you think the scene should have and then do it

Don't make deals like, "I will only attack this scene

if I understand the full emotional basis of it"

No It won't work, because you're making deals with yourself

You see, you're giving yourself impossible goals

Do the small real things Concrete, specific

Hands, fingers Hurt yourself with your own fingernail

Bleed for your art a little Wouldn't hurt

You know? Okay, Lar?

Well, I was nervous

It's, uh It was tough to get involved

I was aware of you, of the audience

- Whole time? - No, no

It went away, uh, when the scene was almost over

- Yeah? - I was tense, nervous, bad, bad, bad, bad, bad

- That's not funny - I'm sorry

- Is everything a joke to you? - Not everything

- See, you're joking right now, right? - What do you want me to say?

Joking is what's doing you in

Joking is the American actor's disease

It's the American person's disease

Because what you're doing is,

you're keeping reality out so that it won't touch you

The worst kind of joking you can do is to keep life out

Commenting, editorializing, joking

Terrible Don't do it It's fatal

I don't know I guess I'm hiding from something

I'm afraid of something in the scene, so I joke it away

- You're full of crap, Larry - Marco, please

- No, no Let him talk - I'm running this class, right?

I know, but the man says I'm full of crap I'd like to know why

Even now, right this second, you're playing the intellectual game

Can't you be real for one lousy goddamn second?

Marco, shut up

I guess I do tend to intellectualize too much

Aha That's it Now, look, everybody

Embroider this on doilies, write it down in gold,

that this is the most important thing you have been through in this class yet

It may be very important for the rest of your life

If you find out this one thing, you do not use your brain to keep the stuff out

You use your brain to take it in

But it's, uh It's a tough scene to believe

Of course it's tough Any scene is tough to believe That's why we're here, right?

Odets is to Any playwright is tough

Odets particularly He's writing real

about real situations but he's writing poetically

He's heightened the thing So it sounds artificial to your own ear

But, you see, it wouldn't if you were in it

It's only your objective ear that should not be operating while you're acting

that makes it sound that way

When you're in it, those words will be the most natural things in the world to you

The point is, everything is tough

simply because not everybody is Marlon Brando every week, you know?

- I would settle for Laurence Olivier - Yeah

I'd settle for Zasu Pitts

Larry, how we doing on my carrot and celery?

- Working - Hi, kiddo

Hi, buddy How are you?

- I thought you were working - Lunch

- You wanna eat here? - I'm not hungry

Give me a large celery, carrot and cucumber

Right

- How are you? You okay? - I don't think so

- Why? What's the matter? - Look, Larry, take a break

- I can't What's the matter? - I'm pregnant

- Where's my celery, carrot and cucumber? - Are you sure?

Larry, where's my carrot, celery and cucumber?

It's working Did you see a doctor?

Look, I don't wanna talk here

Um

- Where's my juice? - It's

- Who's this? - This is Sarah, my girlfriend

- Beautiful skin - I'll be right back, Herb

- Where you goin'? - Five minutes, Herb

What do you mean, five minutes? This is the lunch hour

My prime time What are you doing to me?

What are we gonna do?

I don't know about you, but I'm gonna get an abortion

- It's too dangerous, Sarah - How much money you have?

I don't want you to go to some butcher

- I have about 100 dollars - Money is not the problem

That man in the bar said he knew somebody

- Who, Barney? Forget it - Would you have a better idea?

Yes We can get married

- No - Why not?

Larry, it's very sweet of you

I mean, it really is, but I don't think we should get married

I mean, we both don't know what the hell we're doing anymore

Oh, shit, this is bad timing

I should've gotten the diaphragm a year ago

- I didn't know you a year ago - Don't be silly

I thought you weren't sleeping with what's-his-name

- You know his name - Ed, the painter

The big abstract expressionist from the postwar generation

who was 20 years older than your father

- Screw you - I did Look what happened

You're not the first man I ever slept with

- You said you weren't sleeping with Ed - I lied

- Why? - Because it's what you wanted to hear

- Who else? - What's the difference?

We are talking about it, and I would like to know

You have wonderful timing

You're the first woman I ever got pregnant

- Not the last - That's up to you

I mean it Sarah, I'm willing to get married

I want an abortion I really do, Larry

Okay

Why didn't you wanna be a doctor instead of an actor?

- You could've done the operation yourself - Sorry

Yeah I should've listened to my mother

I'll have to see you later

Good-bye, cookie

Thanks for coming

"Can I see another's grief and not seek for kind relief?"

- What a drag - Would you like anything?

- No, not for me, thanks - I would like a cappuccino and some cookies

All right

I remember my first abortion

I was 17

Somebody sent me to a Haitian woman in Brooklyn Brooklyn Heights

The first thing she asked me for was to see "de" money

"When I see de money, I give you de answer"

So, I let her see the money

Then, as casually as you might ask the time of day, she told me to wait outside

- Fifteen minutes later, it was over - How was the girl?

- In pain - What are you, some kind of sadist?

I just want you to know what you're not getting yourself into

By the way, it's 400 dollars

- You want to see the money? - No

Is he a good doctor? I mean, is he legitimate?

- He's a she - A woman doctor?

She's good

- Did you have an affair with her? - Of course

Did you get her pregnant?

I mean, how apt, how perfect, if she gave herself an abortion

We'd better go

- Let me know what happens - Yeah

- I'll call you - Bye-bye, Connie

I did not have an affair with her

You disappoint me, bubelah

- What's happening? - I'm shopping for an abortion

Lucky girl

Look what I found

What are you gonna call this one?

Freud Maybe it'll help

I left home after my first affair

How old were you?

Nine and a half

- Who did you have the affair with? - My sister

She was 19 Ravishing beauty

- She looked like Gene Tierney - Oh, I love Gene Tierney

She looks like, uh, a Chinese empress

- You should have seen my sister - What happened to her?

She joined a Carmelite order, became a nun

- She's a nun - She was

Two years ago, she left the nunnery

- Where is she now? - She's in Paris

She's a member of a bizarre sadomasochistic, uh, sexual order

Whips, chains, hot candles, that sort of thing

Mmm, sounds like a fun person

Hello I'm Mrs Stanton

Oh, Mrs Stanton, if you'll have a seat,

the doctor will be with you in about 15 minutes

Thank you very much

- Who do you read? - I don't know

Mostly plays

Shaw, Shakespeare, O'Neill, Tolstoy, Faulkner

- Read Joyce? - Yeah

- Eliot? Pound? - No, I haven't read Pound

You should

What do you think of Dylan Thomas?

He's a great outfielder

He's a brilliant poet I've heard him read

Read the poets It'll help you as an actor

How'd you get to be so smart?

I left home when I was 15

The rest is genetic

Were you bar mitzvahed?

You're really funny

It's amazing

- Thank you - Good-bye

- How are you? - Fine

- Thank you, Marsha - Call me, Robert

I will Bye

- Who's next? - Mrs Stanton

- Mrs Stanton How are you? - Okay, thanks

- What happened? - She gave me a shot to make me bleed

If I bleed, she can do the abortion in the hospital

I have to do push-ups, sit-ups, jumping, anything

Then if I start bleeding, we call the hospital, and we pretend we're married

Gee, I don't think I can pretend to be your husband

Better learn how to act, kiddo

- Hi How is she? - Oh, she's fine

- Thank you, Miss Sweezen - You're welcome, Doctor

I'd like to thank you for what you did

Well, I'd love to deliver a baby for you and Sarah someday

Well, maybe we'll be calling you Can I see her?

Yeah She's still groggy, but you can go in

- Okay, thanks - Uh, give my regards to Robert

- I will Bye - Thanks

- Hiya, cookie - Hi

- So, how was it? - The operation was a success

- What time is it? - It's about 4:30

I've gotta call my mother

I just called Connie She knows what to do

Mommy? Hi

No, I'm at Connie's place

No, I'm eating dinner here

I know I should've called you I'm sorry

Listen, I'm gonna spend the night here, okay?

She has a a sleep-away bed

Yeah

No, just the two of us

No men

Mother, I'm gonna spend the night at my friend Connie's

What is the big deal?

Look, I'll come home right after work tomorrow

Fine

Say good-bye to Daddy for me, will you?

Bye

Are you sure Connie knows what to do?

She knows what to do

So, how are you, kid?

Strange Grown up Old

Oh, it's the anesthesia

Hey, Blanche, baby, I finally got you into the sack, huh, Blanche?

Excuse me, Mr Lapinsky I really think you ought to let your wife get a little rest now

I'll see you in the morning

Bye, Larry

Hello, bubeleh How are you?

I'm getting married

Goodness gracious Heavens to Betsy

He's fantastic He's tall, blond

Not an intellectual, not a poet, not a painter

- A Communist? - He's a sailor

- Are you kidding? - No

He's in the merchant marine

He had to go to sea for a month

That's why he's not here tonight Marseilles and back

- He makes a lot of money - When did you meet him?

Last Thursday We spent a week in bed Last night he proposed

His name is

Timmy

I love him madly

Oh Anita's marrying a sailor

I sold a poem to The Sewanee Review

- Oh - Tell me about your sailor

Robert, he is wonderful

He's not an intellectual He's not a poet He's not a painter

He is wonderful This is it

Oh It's going to be so

wonderful

- Hi - Hello

Hi My name's Marsha

- Oh, the famous Dr Marsha - That's right

Well, hello, hello

Are you, uh, enjoying yourself?

- Yes? - Yeah, lovely

- Been to a rent party before? - Never

If my daddy could see me now, he'd have convulsions

Where I come from, black men are considered dangerous

We were taught that they were after our bodies

You know what I used to do?

Whenever I saw a black man, I just looked the other way I was terrified

Then I moved to the Village, and I'll tell you something

My daddy was right

Black men are dangerous

They do want your body

I love black men Love 'em

Am I boring you, sugar?

I think I'm in love

- Seriously? - Outrageously

I met him in a bar this morning

He's an incredible creature

tall, blond sort of a butch Marlene Dietrich

Bernstein's in love

- Oh - I met a most wonderful man this morning

Oh, that was fast

My dear, if it isn't fast, it isn't love

Well, is he here?

No He's a sailor

Had to go to Marseilles for a month

- Oh, hi - Hi

- Bye-bye - How you doing?

When are we going to rehearse our scene again?

I'm sorry I want to get back to it, but things have been crazy

- Are you okay? - Yeah, just broke

Well, you should go to Fox They're looking for juvenile delinquent types for a film

I'm in the theater, darling

You can do good work in films

Look at Brando Look at Spencer Tracy

- Let's play subway - There's too many people

- It's a subway, isn't it? - Just grab hangers Fabulous

Let's get this train moving

Let's go All aboard

What stop is this?

Nostrand

Next stop, Greenwich Village

Lot of queers there

Takes one to know one

All right, ladies and gentlemen

Don't panic Please don't panic

I have an announcement I have an announcement

This train is stalled

We're stuck

We're stuck We'll have to wait until they get us back on the rail

But don't panic Don't panic

Don't panic Don't panic

Oh, my God We're stuck in Greenwich Village

Oh, this always happens to me here

Oh, my God I'm late for work

Hi Hi I'm Pablo Picasso

Oh, hello, Pablo I love your work

Calm down, calm down Ladies and gentlemen, calm down

Shh

Shh

All right

All right, ladies and gentlemen

I think we're gonna be in this subway a long, long time

- No - I want you to try to conserve your energy

I want you to try to save this precious air

- Let's play the truth game - What's the truth game?

Whoever gets pointed at has to tell the truth

Right

- You're it - I'm it?

I see before me a man who, uh,

uh, he's been painting the same canvas for the last three and a half years

I see a man

uh, he seduces young virgins from Sarah Lawrence

by pretending he's an artiste,

when, in reality, he's a tap dancer

Fuck you, Charlie

I love black men, and that's the God's truth

Would you like to know what I see?

Only if it's the truth

I see the most gigantic ego in the history of mankind

Marvelous

I see a man who thinks that everything in skirts is in love with him

Well, this is true

I see charm, guile,

poetry and pain

Gee, I don't see any of that

- Well, what do you see? - I see

a wasteland of brainy, brainless,

brimming brothels of bright, brilliant brimstones

brandying brandy in a broken brouhaha

of gefilte fish

I see the most beautiful girl in the whole wide world

Oh

Oh, I would like to put peanut butter on her frail body

and eat it all up, and then

I would like to have her caress me and love me and caress me some more

Mmm

Larry

Oh

We were in the neighborhood

Hi, Mom Hi, Pop

- Is this a party? - No, dear, this is a subway

- What? - We We were playing a game

- Maybe we better come another time - Nonsense, Dad

Come on, join the happy throng

Dollar a head I pay, they pay

Come on, Mom Let's dance

- Who are you? - I'm Bernstein

- You're Jewish? - No, darling, I'm gay

I don't care how you feel You're a great dancer

You're not bad yourself, Mom

Whoo

Come on, everybody

I love it I love it

Mom, what are you doing here? This is my class You can't do this

You think I'm your standard Jewish mother

I'm a funny lady who just shouts and shrieks and wails

Am I not blood?

Am I not a human being,

with feelings feelings like you

and you and you,

my son

You think I took you to all those double features so I could get out of the house

No, no I want to be in show business too

Why not? I can sing

Bravo

A golden voice Bravo, bravo, bravo

Bravo

Oh, I love it

I love it

We used to go out dancing for fun

Speakeasies

Get ourselves nice and drunk

And we'd do the Charleston

In your whole life, you never once did the Charleston

- I was two left feet - Why don't you leave all that?

- I'll clean it up in the morning - We never played games

Subway? Never heard of such a thing

Everybody's playing subway Ike and Mamie play it in the White House

- I liked Truman - Oh, my feet are killing me

Ben, make me a nice hot cup of coffee, huh?

I'll make it

No, no

You I want to talk to Sit down

Sit down

- One second - At least you're a Jewish girl, so

Mrs Lapinsky, Larry and I are not getting married

No? So then, what are you doing?

We're not doing anything

You know something? Do you think that I was born yesterday?

Faye None of our business, Faye

Mmm It bothers you, I ask you a couple questions, huh?

Not really I'm glad we finally met

Oh

If it was up to my son, we'd never meet He's ashamed of me

No, he's not He's afraid of you

- Miss, don't be such a wise guy - Here you are

- Want something, Pop? - Yeah, I want to go home

I have to get up early

I just got my coffee You want to go home?

Well, I understand you and this pretty young lady

- Her name's Sarah, Mom - Yeah

Sarah Uh, you're not getting married, huh?

Where'd you read that? Walter Winchell?

Oh, another wise guy

- Am I wrong, or am I right? - You're right

Sarah is just my girlfriend

All right then, so when are you gonna get married, huh?

You don't necessarily get married to your girlfriends these days

Oh, so who do you marry, your boyfriends?

I told you, Greenwich Village is peculiar

I see where you get your sense of humor from

- I got married, I was 18 years old - Nineteen

I, uh

I never knew another man Well

But in those days, you dated,

then you got engaged and you got married

There was no hanky-panky in between

- Maybe there should have been - Hey, Sarah

Oh, no Maybe she's right

Who knows?

But what I do know is, nowadays they date, they never get engaged,

they never get married, and there's lots of hanky-panky, right?

So you two, you two are, uh, you know, you

- Hanky-panky? - Mom, Sarah and I are just good friends

You know, I'm not as old-fashioned as you think I am, Son

And what's the difference if I know the truth? You think I'm a monster

- It's none of your business - He's right

You can't stop, can you? I'm a grown man

I'm not a little boy anymore I have an apartment

I have a career I have a life

Some career Four years you went to college

You squeeze carrot juice in a nut house

- I am an actor - Don't yell at me

Faye, it's time to go

Look, miss, if you're sleeping with my son, it's your own business

But if you're all so damn modern about it, why shouldn't I know about it?

What's the difference?

- We've had sex - Thanks

You had sex?

They had sex

I wanna I gotta go home

- I wanna go home - Mrs Lapinsky, I was only kidding

- I didn't mean it - Mom Stop it, Mom

- Calm down - I wanna go home

I wanna go home

- Relax - Leave me alone Leave me alone

- I was only kidding - She's a nice Jewish girl

She was lying

Hey, Mom, she was kidding

I swear, I was joking

She was only kidding, Mom

- Kidding? - I was only kidding

You were just kidding?

I swear I was joking

We've never slept together

Uh, all right

Uh

Come on, Ben Let's go

I-I-It's very nice to meet you, miss You're

You're a beautiful girl

Uh, call

Mrs Lapinsky, it was nice meeting you too

Uh, you know, you should have seen him in college

His acting

He's a genius Uh

His Hamlet, it was like you saw a work of art

I'm ten years away from a good Hamlet

- Ben, tell her Tell her - He was really good

Larry's very talented

Uh, we could walk you to the subway

- We're - I'm gonna help clean up

Good night, Mom

You'll call me tomorrow? 4:00

I'll call you tomorrow 4:00

All right Good night

Good night, Pop

Oh, my God

Great God in heaven, help me

Help a poor Jewish boy

Help my twisted brain

She is unbelievable

What did I tell you?

But she's smart And she's kind of interesting

There's something strange about her

She invented the Oedipus complex

But I like her

She's kind of like a Jewish gypsy

The crazy thing is

while it's happening, I see the humor of it

No matter how insane it gets, there's still a funny side

You know what I mean?

I'm tired

- Larry - What's the matter?

I expect her to walk in any minute

No hanky-panky?

No, I can't have sex till Monday

You have cats' eyes

I also have elephant ears

I really want to go to Mexico

I don't know who's crazier, you or my mother

It's just postabortion blues

Is it going to be soon at all?

- What is your name? - Clyde Baxter

- Just have a seat It won't be long - Did you look at the list? Am I on the list?

- Yeah It's right here - I am?

- Just have a seat - Yeah, you said that an hour ago

We're running a little late

Would it help if you had this?

Thank you Just have a seat

Just have a seat

All right

Uh, Kenny Shackle

I believe I was before that man

Was I not?

Was I before him or not?

I I don't have to do this, you know

You may not

Boy, she's really something

Yes, she is something

I didn't study for six years to be treated like an animal

You studied six years in New York?

Yes, in New York

I studied with everybody Sandy, with Stella I'm with Lee now

- I don't - You're with Lee?

At the Actors Studio, yeah

Oh, yeah

I'm studying with Herbert now

Herbert?

I took a class with him

I paid $40 for a month and the man talked for two hours

- Yeah - Yeah

Yeah, he talks a lot I like him though

- Yeah? - I was

I was thinking of auditioning for the Studio one of these days

Strasberg is a genius

He'll kill you He'll nail you if your work isn't specific

Have you seen Brando work?

He's working on Hamlet right now But he hasn't shown it

He's a great actor

- My name is Clyde Baxter - Larry Lapinsky

- You gonna keep your name? - Sure Why not? Is it too Jewish?

No, it's just a difficult name

What about Edward G Robinson?

Morris Carnovsky? Cary Grant?

My real name is Charlie Belitnikoff

Who's gonna remember that?

Larry Lapinsky

- Good luck - See you later, Charlie

- Clyde My name is Clyde - Clyde Sorry Clyde

Good luck

I believe I was before him, was I not?

- Just have a seat - Thank you

They're not gonna go before me, are they?

- Your name? - My name? My name is Clyde Baxter

Just have a seat, please

Come on in

- Hi, kid I'm Sid Weinberg - Larry Lapinsky

Sit down, sit down

That's Wally Beery

That's a little before your time

How old are you?

- I'm about 19 - You're about 24, 5

- I'm 22 - I like your face for this picture

You look like a tough kid

Stand up, stand up

Yeah Yeah, hair, nose

Yeah, yeah Yeah, you got a real street look

- Where you from? - Brooklyn

- Brownsville - Murder Incorporated, huh?

It was a tough neighborhood I'm living in the Village now

- You're not a faigelah, are you? - No, but I'm Jewish

Comedian, huh?

I like that

Now, look, kid What's your name again?

Lapinsky Larry Lapinsky,

but I'd be willing to change it to Frank Reilley, if that would help

Save the jokes for the screen test

I want you to test for me in a studio here in New York

If you get it, you're gonna have to fly out to the Coast

- Are you available? - Are you kidding?

No Now, don't count on anything

There are about 100 guys up for this thing

How does your mother feel about your acting career?

- Do you know my mother? - No, but I remember mine

When I started out this was in the old days

vaudeville, Keith Albee circuit

Well, kid, when my mother found out I wanted to be a tap dancer,

she punched me in the chops with her purse

So I became a furniture salesman instead

Come on, kid

- What was your name again? - Lapinsky Larry Lapinsky

Good Tell the girl to send another actor in

- Okay Thanks a lot, Mr Weinberg - You'll be hearing from us

- Hey, what's happening? - Another suicide by Anita Cunningham

Next time I'm delivering a lecture tonight

Hello, Anita Anita, where are you?

I don't smell any gas Whoo

I smell cat piss

Where are you?

Anita?

Timmy Timmy, bubeleh, talk to me Where is she?

This is your Aunt Connie Where is Anita?

Tell me Just tell me, where is Anita?

Speak to me, bubeleh Speak to me

Where is she?

- Timmy, talk to me - She's dead

What?

She's dead

Don't Don't go in there

It's very bloody

What are you talking about?

She cut her throat Larry, call the police

It's my fault

- Are you sure? - I'm sure

It's my fault It's my fault

Connect me with the police This is an emergency

Yes, I'd like to report a suicide

You know where I first met her?

She was married to a poet named Millstein

He was a house painter, so I hired him to paint my living room

I didn't know Anita

I didn't know Millstein

So he comes over and I tell him to paint the living room off-white

You know how tall Anita is?

Millstein was a head taller

- He was like an eagle - They're coming

Yeah So, he started painting the room,

and, uh, I went into the bathroom to read

About an hour later I come back to see maybe he wants coffee, something

I walk out, I see the room doesn't look as if it's been painted at all

And I see that he is dipping his brush into thin air,

right next to the can of paint

He is painting the wall with make-believe paint

So I I, uh I called his house and Anita answered

And she came over and she took him home

And that, my dears, is how I met Anita Cunningham

My fault

It's my fault

All right, put us on a bell, please, and let's have quiet

Let's have real quiet this time

- Okay, Arthur? - Yeah, looks good

Give him another on the nose He's too shiny

Let's go, let's go

Come on, let's have some quiet here Come on

- You ready? - Anytime, sir

All right, roll sound

Sticks

Screen test number seven, Larry Lapinsky Take one, sound one

How old are you, Larry?

I'm 16 years old, man 16 going on 23

- Where you from, Larry? - Brownsville Murder Incorporated territory

Larry, have you any film experience?

Yeah I made two pictures last year

one like this, and one like this

You're a funny guy, eh?

I never made any movies, but I been in a lot of plays,

both on and off Broadway,

and I'm in the Studio the Actors Studio with Marlon Brando

- That so? - Yeah, man

Studio's the greatest

What have you done on Broadway?

I was in Mister Roberts I was in it for three months

- What'd you play? - Played a sailor

You know, like one of the kids Like a tough kid sailor

Larry, would you slowly turn your head

so we can see you full face and both profiles

With pleasure, man

Sid, can I see the right profile again?

Oh, yeah Would you give us the right profile again?

Yeah Front, Larry

I have ten seconds left on your test, Larry Lapinsky

Anything more you want to say?

Yeah, sure

Not only do I think I could do a great job in this picture,

but I am also starving and I could really use the work

Cut

You're very funny

- I think I was really nervous - No, no, no, you were very good

Set up for the next test, will you, Paul?

You'll hear from us in a couple of weeks, as soon as they see the film on the Coast

Thanks a lot, Mr Weinberg

Paul, I said I wanted it quiet It was awfully noisy in that last take

That was very, very noisy It's continuing

It doesn't stop and it's getting boring

Lou, I don't want to pick you out,

but you're making noise off-camera with the slate

Okay

If you want to chalk it, chalk it when the thing is over

- It's really boring - You holler for lunch

Hey, don't you tell me who I holler for

- I'll take care of the slate - Please, please

Wait a minute, now

Stop it

Stop it We got three tests to go

- Fellas, let's cut it out - That was very smart, wearing the jacket

- Hey, how you doing? Thanks - You were funny

Yeah, but was I any good?

You shouldn't have lied about being in the Studio

Hey, man, I really need the job, huh?

- I don't think that's very funny - I didn't mean

- I'm sorry, Charlie - Clyde My name is Clyde Baxter

Clyde I'm sorry, Clyde

Good luck

Will you shut that door, please, kid?

I mean, I hope he gets the job I hope everybody gets the job

Could you please be a little quiet there? We're trying to make a shot now

On the Yeah, we're being quiet

It's not "we" It's you, sir

You are making noise, and you're not being quiet

I don't like being singled out, if that's what you're trying to do

Who do you want me to single out?

- Is this a quiz? - What is your name, please?

- My name is Baxter - And are you here to audition for the part?

Yes, I am here to audition for the part

- I think you've failed your a-audition - I failed my a-a-a

Get off the set Beat it Out

Yeah, fine It's fine with me

- Shut the door on your way out - Yeah, fine

All right, Sid, you ready?

- Okay - Action

Screen test, Larry Lapinsky

Take one, sound one

Action

We ride Clear my head We drive through the night

When you mow down the night with your headlights, nobody gets you

You're on top of the world then Nobody laughs

That's it Speed We're off the Earth Unconnected

Nothing Useless

No, we have each other, two together

No We have each other, two together

- Mom - We have each other

Somewhere there are happy boys and girls who'll teach us their way of life

I love you, Lorna

Oh, Joe, we'll find a city where poverty is no shame

and music is no crime

Cut Cut

Print that Fantastic

Screen test, Larry Lapinsky

Take two, sound two

To be or not to be

that is the question

Whether 'tis nobler in the mind

to suffer the slings and arrows

- Be a doctor - of outrageous fortune

- You schmuck face - And by opposing, end them

Larry Lapinsky, you stink

To sleep

Come in

Hi

- Good morning - Where is he?

- Under the covers - Bernstein

He won't speak

He had a fight with the sailor, so he came over last night, we cried,

then he got into bed, pulled the covers over his head,

and basta, that's been it

Bernstein

Bernstein, I am talking to you

Oh, stop already, you meshuggener

Bernstein Chandler

Come on, Bernstein If you don't respond in a couple of seconds,

I'm going to have to phone the police, and they will take you to the hospital

Are you receiving me?

Come on I know you're scared, but so are we

All right, I'm gonna count to ten,

and then I'm gonna phone the police

One, two, three,

four, five,

six, seven,

eight, nine,

nine and a half, ten

I am now going to phone the cops

- Hi - Excuse me

Please I don't want anyone to look at me

All right, baby, nobody's gonna look at you,

but can you tell me, please, why not?

Because I don't want to look at anyone

Well, is there something we can do for you?

I'm gonna make a cup of coffee Anyone want some?

Would you like a cup of coffee?

Would you like something to eat?

Would you like a bedpan?

Oh

"Bedpan" always gets a laugh

You know why "bedpan" always gets a laugh?

Because bodily functions are funny

Number one is funny

Number two is very funny

Belching is quite funny

Farting is hysterically funny

And various combinations are even funnier

A belch and a number two is hysterically funny no matter how you cut it

"Cut it" "Cutting them" is funny

It's a funny phrase "I cut one"

Can you imagine the king of England turning to the House of Lords and saying,

"Gentlemen, I just cut one"

"Dump" is a funny word "Screw" is not funny

- Sex is serious - Very serious

Sex is the most serious thing in the whole world

A guy who can't get it up is in worse trouble than a guy who died

You know why? Because a guy who died doesn't know he died

But seriously, folks The funniest thing of all is this

My real name is Floyd Lewis

I was born in Macon, Georgia

My mother died when I was three years old

I don't know who my father is

My life is a fiction

all made up, my dears

No cleaning woman

No family named Bernstein

All fiction

Only the "gay" is real

My trade is real

My tricks are real

I've been brutalized physically and mentally

I really am out of my mind

So, please, let me stay under the covers

I just want to stay under the covers

This town is hot

and it's shitty and sweaty and grimy

I'm going to Mexico City next week

- Are you serious? - I'm buying my ticket tomorrow

- Why? - Why not?

Well, I can't go I'm waiting on that screen test

I'd like to go

We can't

Is there any rule against having fun?

We can't afford it We spent all our money on

I'll lend you the money

What, did you just come into an inheritance?

No I just know some

wealthy ladies who have a thing for poets

I wouldn't mind going somewhere

- Then let's all go - Well, what about Bernstein?

We'll wrap him up, take him with us

- I can't go - Yes, you can

Hey, Sarah, I just told you I can't go

Well, I can

What does that mean?

It means I can go It means I'm not a prisoner

- Do you think you're my prisoner? - Sometimes

Then go fuck yourself and go to Tibet I don't care what you do

When do you find out about that screen test?

I don't know

You have to know soon In about a week or two

Why don't you wait until you find out and then join us?

And what if I get the part?

Then I'll come back

I'd like to talk to you

Sure

- I got it - I'll see you later

- Bye-bye - Bye

I would like another cup of coffee and another pack of cigarettes

No, make that a pot of coffee and a carton of cigarettes

- They'll be okay - I don't know

Worry about yourself once in a while

- I worry about myself all the time - Yeah?

Tell me about it

There's nothing to tell

You are the funniest girl I ever met

So nice being called a girl

Would you like to come back to my place

and make love for an hour or two?

I don't think I can walk up seven flights

It's easy on the way down

All right, let's go, bubeleh, before you change your mind

I don't want you going to Mexico without me

Tough

I'm warning you, Sarah

- I want to talk to you - No

- Please - No

- You hurt my arm - I'm sorry

Nobody owns me

Nobody

Do you have any gum? My mouth tastes rotten

Here

Let's make love

Okay

Do you have your diaphragm?

Mm-hmm

Put it on

I'm wearing it

Robert?

Mm-hmm

I thought so

- I'm sorry - You fuckin' bitch

You bitch You bastard You bitch

You couldn't stay away from him, could you?

Huh?

I love him

You're full of shit You love yourself

- How did it happen? - What is the difference?

How the fuck did it happen? Will you tell me how it happened?

Will you tell me?

I won't hurt you anymore

I

I don't know why I did it

I didn't plan it

I, uh, went to Robert's,

and we talked

and then we made love

I don't know anything else

Why did you come up here?

I I don't know

If I go to Mexico with you, is it over with Robert?

No

- I love you, Sarah - I know

I'll always love you

No, you won't

Always

Larry?

Larry, darling, you home? We were

We were in the neighborhood, so we thought that we

- Oh, my God - Faye, I think we ought to go home

Look, you're gonna marry her

You hear me? You're gonna marry her

We'll have a fast ceremony

Honey, I don't know your mother and father

How could we? Nobody introduced us

But I'm sure your father has got enough money for some kind of a decent wedding

Faye

- Faye, let's go, huh? - Put your pants on

- Can we go now, Faye? - What are you talking about?

Don't you see what's going on around here?

It's none of our business, damn it

He's a grown man

- Good-bye, Larry - What do you mean?

So long, Sarah

What do you mean?

What's the matter? What's happening here?

It's crazy that

Larry, tell me

Baby, what's the matter?

You know, I got I almost forgot

I-I

I bought you the new Jussi Björling record

It's an aria from Verdi's Tosca

Ben, play the record for him

Oh Oh, you should hear him sing

That man has a voice

I don't think that's Tosca

What-What's going on? Tell me, honey What?

What

Ben

Make him Make him talk to me

I don't understand such kind of people

I don't under

Greenwich Village Greenwich Village

- You gonna hit me? - I don't know

That's a funny thing about me I've never been hit by a man

- Do you love Sarah? - No

- Was she good? - What do you want?

- I like you, Larry - Come on Was she good?

- First times are usually rotten - I may hit you

I like Sarah I don't love her

Have you ever been in love?

- I don't think so - I believe you

I did run away from home

when I was 15

I knew I wanted to be a writer

I knew

I also knew I wanted to sleep with a lot of different women

What can I tell you? People get hurt

I'll tell you something, Robert

Underneath that pose is just more pose

Adios

- When are you leaving? - Mañana

Oy vey I have a heavy heart

How's Bernstein?

He's coming We'll meet them in Mexico City

- You can say their names - Oh, I love you

I hope they get married and have twin poets

A little anger fits you nicely

Coffee?

What I don't understand is why you're going

I want to see the ruins

You're gonna sit around and wait until he dumps her

You can say their names

I love you

I do

Really love you

Come on I'll buy you a cappuccino

Is Bernstein really okay?

He says he's gonna find some beautiful Mexican trade

and live happily ever after

That was a terrible thing with the Rosenbergs

I'm not a politician, but they didn't have to burn them in the electric chair

I went to the demonstration in Union Square

A waste of time, demonstrations

If Eisenhower wouldn't stop it, what good is demonstrations?

Truman could have stopped it

They're all politicians It's a waste of time

- Morning - Good morning, Mr Elkins

- How do you feel today? - My head feels good

- My stomach feels good too - Wonderful

But I didn't sleep ten minutes last night

Now the tongue, please

Larry, make Mr Elkins a cabbage and broccoli juice

while I prepare a cup of rose hips tea

Who? Larry Lapinsky?

- What is this with the calls at work? - Some man wants to talk to you

- Hello? - What is this, a telephone service?

Hi, Mr Weinberg

I'm trying to run a business, and they get telephone calls

- Yeah? All right - That's gratitude for you

- Thank you - Bring the boy in

- What is this? - Nothing, Herb I just got another job

- At a delicatessen? - No In a movie

In a feature film I got an acting job

I'm going to leave for the Coast on Friday

Coast? Coast? What coast?

- Hollywood Los Angeles, California - Wonderful

- You're not pulling my leg? - No, Herb

I got an acting job in a movie

Oh, my God That's terrific That's fabulous

- Helen, did you hear that? - I know Congratulations

My Larry got a job in the movies

What about my cabbage and broccoli juice?

You got it One cabbage and broccoli juice comin' right up

How do you like that? I got a Hollywood star making juice for me

Did I tell you this kid had something?

Herb, we're running short on cabbage here

I want an autographed eight-by-ten glossy as soon as you get one, you hear, Larry?

- Okay - I'll put it right on the wall over the juicer

That was good

That was good, Mom Well, I better be going

Where you going? You just got here

I gotta pack and everything

Be careful on the airplane

- It's first class - How many engines does it have?

- Four, I think - Four?

Four is safe Four is safe

- How do you know four is safe? - I read it at the candy store

Larry, what happened with you and that girl?

- Her name is Sarah - Sarah What happened?

She ran off with a friend of mine to Mexico

They teach you to lie like that in Greenwich Village?

You're a funny lady, Mom

My life has not been very funny

- I'm going - Wait You

- So long, Pop - Good-bye, Son

Mom, please, no crying

Promise me you won't get a big head

And promise me you'll always remember where you come from

I promise, Mom

Remember your grandmother, how she got out of Poland

She had to sneak across the border in a wagon covered with potatoes

And the guards, they stuck bayonets into the sacks

That's where you came from

Oh, I almost forgot

Uh

Apple strudel for the plane

What am I gonna do with apple strudel on a plane?

You'll eat it That's what you'll do with it

- I told you he'd get angry - I'm not angry

I'm crazy, but I'm not angry So long

- Sweetheart, Larry? - Yeah, Mom?

Listen, if you ever actually meet Clark Gable,

tell him that your mother loved him all of her life,

and she saw every picture he ever did

I'll tell him, Mom

- Oh, Larry? Write - I will

Would you promise you'll write every day?

- I promise, Mom - And you'll call once in a while?

That's why we put a phone in

I'll write every day, and I'll call every other day

How's that?

Larry?

Be a good actor

- Let's go Come on Let's go - Come on Give me the ball

- Larry? Larry - Hi, Mrs Tupperman

I was sorry to hear about you and that girlfriend of yours

Yeah So was I

So, how is Greenwich Village treating you?

Didn't you hear? I'm going to Hollywood

- I'm gonna act in a movie - Hollywood?

So long, Mrs Tupperman

Be careful, Larry

I got it, I got it, I got it