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00:00:07,542 --> 00:00:09,457
("BOOM" BY X AMBASSADORS PLAYS)
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00:00:09,458 --> 00:00:12,125
This is a celebration!
Hells yeah!
3
00:00:12,583 --> 00:00:13,917
(SQUEALING)
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00:00:14,542 --> 00:00:16,291
♪ My feet go
Boom, boom, boom ♪
5
00:00:16,542 --> 00:00:18,999
♪ Boom, boom, boom
Boom, boom, boom ♪
6
00:00:19,000 --> 00:00:20,959
♪ Walking away from you ♪
7
00:00:21,166 --> 00:00:23,999
♪ I said hey, uh-huh ♪
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00:00:24,000 --> 00:00:25,916
♪ You can't stop me ♪
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00:00:25,917 --> 00:00:28,458
♪ 'Cause my pain, uh-huh ♪
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00:00:28,667 --> 00:00:30,249
♪ Is gasoline ♪
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♪ I can't wait, no, for nobody ♪
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00:00:34,542 --> 00:00:37,332
♪ If you break my heart ♪
13
00:00:37,333 --> 00:00:39,916
♪ It's one, two, three
Boom, boom, boom ♪
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00:00:39,917 --> 00:00:41,792
(TIRES SCREECHING)
Damn!
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00:00:42,959 --> 00:00:44,291
Power to the people.
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00:00:44,458 --> 00:00:46,667
♪ I got a new tattoo ♪
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00:00:46,917 --> 00:00:48,917
♪ Don't know what to tell you ♪
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00:00:49,125 --> 00:00:51,499
♪ Got nothing left to prove ♪
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00:00:51,500 --> 00:00:53,165
♪ High speed go
Zoom, zoom, zoom ♪
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00:00:53,166 --> 00:00:55,417
♪ Zoom, zoom, zoom
Zoom, zoom, zoom ♪
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00:00:55,625 --> 00:00:57,582
♪ My feet go
Boom, boom, boom ♪
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00:00:57,583 --> 00:00:59,791
♪ Boom, boom, boom
Boom, boom, boom ♪
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00:00:59,792 --> 00:01:02,499
Hey! I just wanted to take
another look at you.
24
00:01:02,500 --> 00:01:04,792
♪ Walking away from you ♪
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00:01:16,250 --> 00:01:18,040
MAN: So, take us back
to the beginning, Jamie.
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How did this all start?
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Um, okay.
So, about four years ago,
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um, my life changed forever,
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00:01:25,208 --> 00:01:29,457
uh, when I got an email from
a guy called Rocky Flintstone.
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00:01:29,458 --> 00:01:32,624
It turned out that Rocky
Flintstone was my dad,
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00:01:32,625 --> 00:01:35,624
and he'd been secretly writing
porn in the garden shed.
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The book was called
Belinda Blinked,
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and it was horrific.
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It was amazing.
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00:01:41,333 --> 00:01:44,165
It's the best worst book
ever written.
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00:01:44,166 --> 00:01:48,457
So then my friends, James and Alice,
made me read it to the whole world.
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JAMIE: "Belinda Blinked.
It wasn't a dream.
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00:01:51,166 --> 00:01:54,999
"The job interviewer had just asked her
to remove her jacket and silk blouse."
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00:01:55,000 --> 00:01:57,165
And the books are about a woman
called Belinda Blumenthal,
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00:01:57,166 --> 00:02:00,249
who shags her way around the
world, selling pots and pans.
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00:02:00,250 --> 00:02:03,332
It's one-half erotica,
one-half business manual.
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00:02:03,333 --> 00:02:07,040
So we started a podcast, and it
went from a few people listening...
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(LAUGHING HYSTERICALLY)
I can't see anything! Aah!
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(MAN GIGGLING)
Oh, no! I wet myself!
45
00:02:12,750 --> 00:02:14,582
...to quite a lot
of people listening.
46
00:02:14,583 --> 00:02:17,791
(AUDIENCE CHEERING, WHISTLING)
47
00:02:17,792 --> 00:02:20,040
But we should say,
it's not a sexy book.
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MORTON: "As Belinda
groaned, the duchess hummed,
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00:02:23,417 --> 00:02:26,374
"watching her perspiring
pussy meat."
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(LEVINE LAUGHS)
COOPER: Ack!
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Rocky's metaphors are unique.
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MORTON: Her nipples were now as
large as the three-inch rivets
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which had held the hull of the
fateful Titanic together. (LAUGHTER)
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00:02:40,500 --> 00:02:43,708
And he has zero concept
of the female body.
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MORTON: "He grabbed her
cervix..." (COOPER GASPS)
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LEVINE: He's gonna kill her.
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Honestly, if I wasn't
sat here right now,
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I would swear to God
he was a virgin.
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I mean, it got so crazy that people
were even talking about a movie version.
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00:02:55,500 --> 00:02:58,582
And actual, proper actors were
lining up to play the characters.
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00:02:58,583 --> 00:03:01,124
THOMAS MIDDLEDITCH: I do like
the idea of playing Dr. Robbins.
62
00:03:01,125 --> 00:03:04,582
RACHEL BLOOM: I feel like I should put
on a fat suit and play Jim Sterling.
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00:03:04,583 --> 00:03:08,457
HAYLEY ATWELL: I'd quite like
to play Alfie, the smallish man.
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00:03:08,458 --> 00:03:10,124
NICHOLAS HOULT: I would go for Adaam.
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I've already spoken to my
agents about it. (LAUGHTER)
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Yeah, it all got
a little bit out of hand.
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My Dad Wrote a Porno.
My Dad Wrote a Porno.
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00:03:18,875 --> 00:03:22,749
My Dad Wrote a Porno.
My Dad Wrote a Porno.
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00:03:22,750 --> 00:03:24,249
(MUSIC PLAYING)
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MICHAEL SHEEN:
There are similarities between
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00:03:26,333 --> 00:03:28,582
your father's work,
and Hamlet.
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(MUSIC PLAYING)
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MORTON: Oh, my God!
LEVINE: Look!
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EMMA THOMPSON: He's a fucking genius.
(LEVINE LAUGHS)
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Come on!
How else have we got here?
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So now, I'm reading
my dad's porn on HBO.
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Brilliant.
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00:03:45,458 --> 00:03:46,749
(MUSIC PLAYING)
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00:03:46,750 --> 00:03:50,290
(AUDIENCE CHEERING, APPLAUDING)
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ANNOUNCER: Live from the
Camden Roundhouse, London,
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00:03:53,542 --> 00:03:58,000
please welcome Jamie,
James, and Alice.
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(AUDIENCE CHEERING, WHISTLING)
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00:04:02,375 --> 00:04:04,791
Woo! All right!
84
00:04:04,792 --> 00:04:07,624
Woo!
Woo-hoo!
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00:04:07,625 --> 00:04:08,750
Woo!
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00:04:09,542 --> 00:04:12,500
MORTON: Yay!
COOPER: Yes!
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Hi, guys. Um,
my name's Jamie, and...
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my dad wrote a porno.
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LEVINE: It's true.
COOPER: Yes, he did.
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MORTON: He did do...
(AUDIENCE CHEERING)
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Thank you, thank you.
It's my hell, but your entertainment.
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Uh, to my dad,
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the legend.
Rocky Flintstone.
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00:04:34,333 --> 00:04:36,791
(AUDIENCE CHEERING)
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LEVINE: What a guy.
Okay. Okay.
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So he wrote these
shit books, right?
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And right at the start,
he wrote something that even he thought
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was too shit to include in any
of the Belinda Blinked books.
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So I'm reading that tonight.
COOPER: Aw, you...
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00:04:51,583 --> 00:04:54,082
MORTON: Yes, yes.
(AUDIENCE CHEERING)
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What's it about exactly?
What happens? Um...
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Well, it is a Belinda Blinked chapter,
so it's not about anything, at all.
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(LAUGHS) Sure.
But it involves Belinda Blumenthal,
104
00:05:02,625 --> 00:05:06,374
the international sales director
of Steeles Pots and Pans.
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(CHEERING)
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00:05:07,917 --> 00:05:11,374
Um, and she basically takes
her regional sales managers
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on a kind of
team building away day.
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Um, 'cause, obviously...
♪ Thank you so much ♪
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♪ It's already fantastic ♪
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It's so good.
'Cause, well, it's a business book.
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So, you know, they're doing a corporate
away day. Makes absolute sense.
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Well, London, are
you ready for this?
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00:05:26,917 --> 00:05:29,040
(AUDIENCE CHEERING, APPLAUDING)
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00:05:29,041 --> 00:05:33,166
(PORN GROOVE MUSIC PLAYING)
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I think we should, uh,
play the drinking game.
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That's a great shout. Yes.
Yeah? Up for it?
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- (AUDIENCE CHEERING)
- LEVINE: We should establish official rules.
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Yeah, sure, sure, sure.
LEVINE: We should probably, you know...
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The official rules.
Okay. Well what about...
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00:05:49,041 --> 00:05:52,791
You know how Rocky likes to
focus on unnecessary details,
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like, if the camera was on
them, like, shagging,
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it would slowly zoom to the curtains.
(LAUGHING)
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00:05:58,917 --> 00:06:01,833
Yeah, yeah, yeah. Like, it just
focuses on the most stupid things.
124
00:06:01,834 --> 00:06:03,416
Distracted. Yes.
Yeah. Exactly.
125
00:06:03,417 --> 00:06:06,165
So every time there's, like,
an unnecessary detail, drink.
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00:06:06,166 --> 00:06:07,958
LEVINE: Yeah. Yeah. Agreed.
MORTON: Good, good.
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00:06:07,959 --> 00:06:11,916
LEVINE: Okay, uh, my rule is gonna be...
grammar, bad grammar.
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00:06:11,917 --> 00:06:15,624
MORTON: Yes. Exactly. Um, 'cause I
feel like he does it all afterwards.
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00:06:15,625 --> 00:06:18,290
Yeah. You know, after the event.
So he'll go through,
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00:06:18,291 --> 00:06:20,082
a little semicolon,
full stop in there.
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00:06:20,083 --> 00:06:22,040
Let's put a comma.
Yeah. Apostrophe.
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00:06:22,041 --> 00:06:25,332
For him, I think a semicolon is
just his work winking back at him.
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He's like, "You're doing a great
job, Rocky." (LAUGHING)
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00:06:28,125 --> 00:06:31,833
Um, and I think, you know, if you're only
gonna drink on one of the rules tonight,
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uh, everybody must drink
when Belinda blinks.
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LEVINE: Deal.
Yes.
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00:06:37,125 --> 00:06:39,874
Before we start, I just think
there's one thing
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that's really,
really important to just note. Yeah.
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00:06:43,125 --> 00:06:46,457
Whatever we read,
your dad wrote it.
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00:06:46,458 --> 00:06:49,290
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
Looks what's behind me!
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00:06:49,291 --> 00:06:52,541
That's gonna haunt me.
That's as big as we can manage.
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00:06:52,542 --> 00:06:56,249
But I think we should open the book.
This thing here.
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00:06:56,250 --> 00:06:59,290
(AUDIENCE CHEERING)
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00:06:59,291 --> 00:07:02,541
Dad porn, dad porn, dad porn.
(MORTON GROANS)
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Okay.
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(BOTH GIGGLING)
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00:07:09,333 --> 00:07:11,833
"Belinda blinked."
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00:07:11,834 --> 00:07:13,999
(CHEERING)
MORTON: Drink!
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00:07:14,000 --> 00:07:17,375
Start as we mean to go on... I'm
gonna shit-faced. I can just tell.
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00:07:19,083 --> 00:07:23,040
BELINDA BLINKED: The Lost Chapter.
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00:07:23,041 --> 00:07:28,708
- "Team Building with the Regional Sales Managers..."
- COOPER: Yeah!
152
00:07:28,709 --> 00:07:30,834
(AUDIENCE HOOTS)
153
00:07:31,458 --> 00:07:34,332
Semicolon.
(LAUGHTER)
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00:07:34,333 --> 00:07:37,624
LEVINE: Yes.
It's already started. Cheers.
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00:07:37,625 --> 00:07:40,041
On a title.
Yes, Rocky.
156
00:07:41,750 --> 00:07:48,791
"Belinda Blumenthal, international
sales director of Steeles Pots and Pans,
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00:07:48,792 --> 00:07:51,833
"turned her Mercedes
into the driveway
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00:07:51,834 --> 00:07:54,040
"of the secluded
manor house,
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00:07:54,041 --> 00:07:58,457
"she had hired for the team
building away day extravaganza..."
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LEVINE: Whoa!
"...on the Cornish coast."
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00:08:01,250 --> 00:08:04,874
- LEVINE: Oh! Very nice part of the world, very nice.
- COOPER: It is...
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00:08:04,875 --> 00:08:06,374
It is a lovely
part of the world,
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00:08:06,375 --> 00:08:09,833
but it's also about a
seven-hour drive from London.
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00:08:09,834 --> 00:08:12,499
That's true, actually, yeah.
See, it's a long way to go for a day.
165
00:08:12,500 --> 00:08:14,207
Yeah. That's true. And back.
MORTON: Yeah, yeah.
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00:08:14,208 --> 00:08:16,541
And back. Fourteen-hour round trip!
And back. Yeah.
167
00:08:16,542 --> 00:08:18,207
They're gonna be there
for 10 minutes,
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00:08:18,208 --> 00:08:20,374
quick shag,
back in the car. Bye!
169
00:08:20,375 --> 00:08:21,833
(LAUGHS)
170
00:08:21,834 --> 00:08:25,249
"The training guru..."
COOPER: Guru!
171
00:08:25,250 --> 00:08:29,249
"...she was... she was pinning
the whole show on was good.
172
00:08:29,250 --> 00:08:33,541
No. Very, very good."
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00:08:33,542 --> 00:08:35,582
(LAUGHTER)
174
00:08:35,583 --> 00:08:39,249
Um, who wants to guess
the name of this guru?
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00:08:39,250 --> 00:08:41,416
COOPER: Ooh.
Anyone? Name. Yeah.
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00:08:41,417 --> 00:08:43,582
(WOMAN SHOUTS)
Veronica. No.
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00:08:43,583 --> 00:08:47,874
MAN: Electra.
Electra? Behave.
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00:08:47,875 --> 00:08:49,582
(AUDIENCE SHOUTING NAMES)
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00:08:49,583 --> 00:08:51,207
MORTON AND COOPER: Nancy. No.
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00:08:51,208 --> 00:08:53,541
I feel like this woman's just
lost someone called Nancy.
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00:08:53,542 --> 00:08:56,249
(LAUGHING)
Nancy!
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00:08:56,250 --> 00:08:58,207
Nancy!
(AUDIENCE LAUGHS)
183
00:08:58,208 --> 00:09:04,082
Where the fuck are you? We're at
the wrong show! (MORTON LAUGHING)
184
00:09:04,083 --> 00:09:07,332
No, I didn't... I'm sorry,
guys, but I didn't hear it.
185
00:09:07,333 --> 00:09:11,750
Because...
"Melania was," uh... (LAUGHTER)
186
00:09:13,542 --> 00:09:17,290
- COOPER: No! Okay.
- MORTON: I'm... I'm joking. I'm obviously joking.
187
00:09:17,291 --> 00:09:22,666
Um, no. "Natasha Biles..."
(LEVINE LAUGHING)
188
00:09:22,667 --> 00:09:25,708
COOPER: Okay. That's an interesting
choice of surname, isn't it?
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00:09:25,709 --> 00:09:27,874
MORTON: It is, isn't it?
Because that's not...
190
00:09:27,875 --> 00:09:29,708
It's not a sexy liquid,
is it? Bile.
191
00:09:29,709 --> 00:09:33,541
- No, it's kind of like pre-vomit, isn't it?
- LEVINE: Yeah.
192
00:09:33,542 --> 00:09:37,374
Acid reflux is essentially...
That's basically it. Yeah.
193
00:09:37,375 --> 00:09:42,124
"Natasha Biles was
the best in the industry,
194
00:09:42,125 --> 00:09:46,624
and she almost always guaranteed
exceptional results."
195
00:09:46,625 --> 00:09:49,624
(LAUGHING)
196
00:09:49,625 --> 00:09:54,833
"In reality, she herself
was a fiery redhead."
197
00:09:54,834 --> 00:09:57,624
Oh.
Alice.
198
00:09:57,625 --> 00:10:00,332
COOPER: Hello.
Guilty as charged.
199
00:10:00,333 --> 00:10:04,791
"Of French extraction,
not the less." (AUDIENCE HOOTS)
200
00:10:04,792 --> 00:10:10,041
"As it turned out, she was also
the local female lifeboat member."
201
00:10:11,458 --> 00:10:14,082
I'm drinking on that.
I'm drinking on that, as well.
202
00:10:14,083 --> 00:10:17,165
You don't really want, you know,
to think about drowning people
203
00:10:17,166 --> 00:10:19,833
when you're reading porn.
Yeah. Really. Yeah.
204
00:10:19,834 --> 00:10:22,207
There'll be a small cross
section of the community that do.
205
00:10:22,208 --> 00:10:23,999
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
206
00:10:24,000 --> 00:10:28,207
So, "As it turned out, she was also
the local female lifeboat member, so,
207
00:10:28,208 --> 00:10:32,040
"she was equally at home in a pair
of yellow Wellingtons and oil skins,
208
00:10:32,041 --> 00:10:35,249
as in a team building
businesswoman's uniform."
209
00:10:35,250 --> 00:10:37,541
(LAUGHTER)
210
00:10:37,542 --> 00:10:39,708
That is a lot of interesting
211
00:10:39,709 --> 00:10:42,041
sartorial choices
in one sentence.
212
00:10:43,333 --> 00:10:48,333
"With a light heart,
Belinda checked in."
213
00:10:49,208 --> 00:10:54,749
And, sorry. Can I just say,
that's one fucking paragraph.
214
00:10:54,750 --> 00:10:57,374
(LAUGHTER)
MORTON: Look.
215
00:10:57,375 --> 00:11:03,207
There it is. On its own.
It's just so sad.
216
00:11:03,208 --> 00:11:07,375
It's unorthodox, I'll give you that.
It's very important.
217
00:11:08,417 --> 00:11:14,291
"She strolled down the wide,
exquisitely carpeted staircase."
218
00:11:15,083 --> 00:11:18,958
- LEVINE: Oh, God. We're gonna be drunker than...
- COOPER: Looks like a drink.
219
00:11:18,959 --> 00:11:21,457
The weirdest things
get her off, don't they?
220
00:11:21,458 --> 00:11:26,082
Uh, yeah. Yeah. She's, like walking
down the stairs going, who laid that?
221
00:11:26,083 --> 00:11:28,416
(MORTON LAUGHING)
222
00:11:28,417 --> 00:11:31,749
Oh, my God, it goes all the
way to the edge. Ah! (LAUGHTER)
223
00:11:31,750 --> 00:11:33,874
Kill!
What? That's...
224
00:11:33,875 --> 00:11:37,749
That's your definition of "exquisitely
carpeted"? (AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
225
00:11:37,750 --> 00:11:39,916
Functional carpet.
COOPER: To the edge.
226
00:11:39,917 --> 00:11:42,749
LEVINE: To the edge of the room.
227
00:11:42,750 --> 00:11:48,457
"Her comfortable, yet sexy
black leather trouser suit..."
228
00:11:48,458 --> 00:11:51,958
Whoa, another great look.
Whoa.
229
00:11:51,959 --> 00:11:55,207
Yeah. Did you say it was
comfortable, yet sexy?
230
00:11:55,208 --> 00:11:57,541
Yeah, yeah. "Comfortable,
yet sexy." Yeah, yeah, yeah.
231
00:11:57,542 --> 00:12:00,874
I feel like she's worn it a lot, like
there's a bit of give in the gusset.
232
00:12:00,875 --> 00:12:03,290
(LAUGHTER)
(MORTON GROANS)
233
00:12:03,291 --> 00:12:04,958
Oh, James.
234
00:12:04,959 --> 00:12:08,457
It's comfy.
A baggy crotch. No.
235
00:12:08,458 --> 00:12:15,040
(GIGGLING) "Her comfortable, yet sexy,
black leather trouser suit squeaked...
236
00:12:15,041 --> 00:12:18,207
as she..."
So she's literally like...
237
00:12:18,208 --> 00:12:20,667
(SQUEAKING)
238
00:12:21,583 --> 00:12:24,290
Mental.
(LAUGHTER)
239
00:12:24,291 --> 00:12:29,749
"...as she strutted along the long,
tiled hallway into the conference room."
240
00:12:29,750 --> 00:12:33,165
I would argue that surfaces
are getting a lot of airtime,
241
00:12:33,166 --> 00:12:36,040
and not... not much sex, thus far.
MORTON: Yeah. Oh, yeah.
242
00:12:36,041 --> 00:12:37,666
MORTON: No.
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
243
00:12:37,667 --> 00:12:42,332
"Natasha stood up and immediately
pushed her throbbing tongue
244
00:12:42,333 --> 00:12:45,165
into Belinda's purple mouth."
LEVINE: (LAUGHING) Okay.
245
00:12:45,166 --> 00:12:46,958
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
COOPER: Wow.
246
00:12:46,959 --> 00:12:50,749
Now we've started.
I spoke too soon. Okay.
247
00:12:50,750 --> 00:12:53,582
We're literally in Belinda's mouth.
MORTON: Yes.
248
00:12:53,583 --> 00:12:55,999
Yeah, well, Natasha is.
249
00:12:56,000 --> 00:12:58,082
There's a lot
of activity there.
250
00:12:58,083 --> 00:13:00,040
There's quite a lot going on.
COOPER: Lovely greeting, isn't it?
251
00:13:00,041 --> 00:13:01,624
Yeah.
Do you want to break it down?
252
00:13:01,625 --> 00:13:03,666
Oh, what, go fifty-fifty?
Yeah. I'll, uh...
253
00:13:03,667 --> 00:13:06,124
What was it, purple mouth?
I'll take the purple mouth.
254
00:13:06,125 --> 00:13:07,749
And I will take
throbbing tongue.
255
00:13:07,750 --> 00:13:10,207
COOPER: Okay. Good. I won't take
throbbing tongue, although...
256
00:13:10,208 --> 00:13:12,040
We'll see. There's some...
(LAUGHTER)
257
00:13:12,041 --> 00:13:14,207
COOPER: The night is young.
...eligible bachelors in the room, yeah.
258
00:13:14,208 --> 00:13:17,457
Uh, yeah. Purple mouth.
Uh, is she dying? (LAUGHTER)
259
00:13:17,458 --> 00:13:20,791
- MORTON: No! No. No, no, she's fine. She's fine.
- COOPER: No. Choking?
260
00:13:20,792 --> 00:13:22,833
- COOPER: Ill?
- MORTON: No, no, no. She's fine.
261
00:13:22,834 --> 00:13:26,124
- COOPER: Okay, fine.
- LEVINE: Okay. My question is about the aforementioned,
262
00:13:26,125 --> 00:13:27,958
uh, throbbing tongue.
Yes, Alice. Yes?
263
00:13:27,959 --> 00:13:31,374
Um, I just wanted to know is that
this kind of motion, like a...
264
00:13:31,375 --> 00:13:33,249
MORTON: Yeah.
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
265
00:13:33,250 --> 00:13:36,374
Yeah. I imagine it's kind of
like, yeah, like, like, pulsing.
266
00:13:36,375 --> 00:13:40,207
Like, you can feel the blood, like...
(AUDIENCE GROANING)
267
00:13:40,208 --> 00:13:43,708
Oh, I'm sorry.
Is that your line? (LAUGHING)
268
00:13:43,709 --> 00:13:46,958
'Cause you are literally fucked
for the rest of this book, like...
269
00:13:46,959 --> 00:13:49,999
Oh, sorry. One more question, actually.
MORTON: Yes?
270
00:13:50,000 --> 00:13:52,457
Um, have they ever met?
(LAUGHTER)
271
00:13:52,458 --> 00:13:56,499
Interesting question. They have...
You're such a prude.
272
00:13:56,500 --> 00:13:58,416
...never met. No.
COOPER: Never met.
273
00:13:58,417 --> 00:14:01,916
Okay. Good. Not even a hello?
Just a...
274
00:14:01,917 --> 00:14:04,582
(LISPING)
Nice to meet you. Uh...
275
00:14:04,583 --> 00:14:08,207
Um, guys, guys, guys.
276
00:14:08,208 --> 00:14:11,541
"Belinda blinked."
(ALL CHEERING)
277
00:14:11,542 --> 00:14:13,374
COOPER: Cheers, cheers.
MORTON: Mm.
278
00:14:13,375 --> 00:14:15,791
- LEVINE: To you and yours. To you and yours.
- COOPER: To you and yours.
279
00:14:15,792 --> 00:14:18,416
Right. (SIGHS)
280
00:14:18,417 --> 00:14:20,499
(STAMMERS, GRUNTS)
LEVINE: Oh!
281
00:14:20,500 --> 00:14:24,082
COOPER: You all right?
Do you know you're making a noise?
282
00:14:24,083 --> 00:14:26,249
Yes. There's something,
there's something...
283
00:14:26,250 --> 00:14:29,749
You're exhaling audibly.
(CHUCKLES)
284
00:14:29,750 --> 00:14:31,582
Um... a...
(LAUGHTER)
285
00:14:31,583 --> 00:14:33,999
Would you just give me
a fucking second!
286
00:14:34,000 --> 00:14:36,708
You're deflating.
We're concerned.
287
00:14:36,709 --> 00:14:40,290
(SPEAKING GIBBERISH)
(LAUGHTER)
288
00:14:40,291 --> 00:14:44,165
I don't know what's happening,
but can it last forever? (LAUGHTER)
289
00:14:44,166 --> 00:14:48,291
(IN BAD FRENCH ACCENT)
"I-I'm, ah... Natasha.
290
00:14:49,208 --> 00:14:53,290
"And I'm in charge naah.
291
00:14:53,291 --> 00:14:54,749
Yeah? Yeah?"
292
00:14:54,750 --> 00:14:57,749
No, definitely. "I'm in charge naah."
MORTON: Yeah?
293
00:14:57,750 --> 00:14:59,666
COOPER: "Charge naah."
294
00:14:59,667 --> 00:15:03,582
Was that supposed to be...
French? That was French.
295
00:15:03,583 --> 00:15:07,082
It's very good, I thought. No, no.
I-I think that was a hate crime.
296
00:15:07,083 --> 00:15:09,666
(LAUGHTER)
Oh, okay, okay.
297
00:15:09,667 --> 00:15:12,207
I'm offended for them.
MORTON: Okay, fine.
298
00:15:12,208 --> 00:15:14,541
Uh, is anyone in the room
French tonight?
299
00:15:14,542 --> 00:15:16,999
Or at least thinks they can do
a better accent than I.
300
00:15:17,000 --> 00:15:18,833
LEVINE: Ooh.
MORTON: Yes.
301
00:15:18,834 --> 00:15:21,165
Um, are you
willing to play
302
00:15:21,166 --> 00:15:23,499
Natasha Biles
for the rest of the show?
303
00:15:23,500 --> 00:15:27,541
Yeah?
(AUDIENCE CHEERING)
304
00:15:27,542 --> 00:15:30,833
You can't be worse
than me, so...
305
00:15:30,834 --> 00:15:34,958
Um, but, come on, please take
this fucking seriously, okay.
306
00:15:34,959 --> 00:15:37,833
I take my accents
incredibly seriously.
307
00:15:37,834 --> 00:15:39,666
You know, I... I prep them.
308
00:15:39,667 --> 00:15:42,958
They're not always appreciated
in their time, um...
309
00:15:42,959 --> 00:15:45,833
But we want real commitment,
okay? Think the method.
310
00:15:45,834 --> 00:15:49,165
Daniel Day-Lewis,
Meryl Streep-level, okay?
311
00:15:49,166 --> 00:15:51,249
What is your name, by the way?
Tim.
312
00:15:51,250 --> 00:15:53,082
No! You're Natasha Biles!
313
00:15:53,083 --> 00:15:55,499
Natasha! Natasha.
MORTON: For God's sake!
314
00:15:55,500 --> 00:15:57,499
Look alive, Natasha.
Tim, Tim, Tim,
315
00:15:57,500 --> 00:15:59,833
Tim, Tim, Tim... Oh.
MORTON: This will not end well.
316
00:15:59,834 --> 00:16:01,582
LEVINE: Okay.
317
00:16:01,583 --> 00:16:06,249
(IN FRENCH ACCENT) I am, uh,
Natasha, and, uh, I'm in charge now.
318
00:16:06,250 --> 00:16:09,500
(AUDIENCE CHEERING, APPLAUDING)
319
00:16:14,041 --> 00:16:17,541
I promised myself I wouldn't do
this, Tim, but, um...
320
00:16:17,542 --> 00:16:19,833
Oh, fuck off, Levine. That was...
That was incredible.
321
00:16:19,834 --> 00:16:22,374
...middling! That was honestly...
incredible.
322
00:16:22,375 --> 00:16:24,290
COOPER: Thank you for that.
LEVINE: Thank you.
323
00:16:24,291 --> 00:16:27,207
I will call on you.
But please...
324
00:16:27,208 --> 00:16:31,040
don't build your part in the meantime.
You know. Switch his mic off.
325
00:16:31,041 --> 00:16:32,833
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
326
00:16:32,834 --> 00:16:35,708
But, no. Thank you so much for being
involved. We really appreciate it.
327
00:16:35,709 --> 00:16:38,582
(LAUGHING)
328
00:16:38,583 --> 00:16:43,666
"Natasha put her hand
on Belinda's...
329
00:16:43,667 --> 00:16:45,541
knee."
(LAUGHTER)
330
00:16:45,542 --> 00:16:47,499
Did you hear that anticipation?
MORTON: Yeah.
331
00:16:47,500 --> 00:16:49,958
They're gagging for it, this lot.
Look at them. They are so sex-starved.
332
00:16:49,959 --> 00:16:53,999
Everyone's like,
where did she put her hand? (LAUGHTER)
333
00:16:54,000 --> 00:16:58,374
"Feeling no flinching
or resistance..."
334
00:16:58,375 --> 00:17:01,749
That's called consent, everybody.
(LAUGHTER)
335
00:17:01,750 --> 00:17:04,416
What?
No. No, it's not.
336
00:17:04,417 --> 00:17:06,958
That's really not consent.
(LAUGHTER)
337
00:17:06,959 --> 00:17:10,582
MORTON: What, not
flinching or resisting? (LAUGHTER)
338
00:17:10,583 --> 00:17:13,749
Do you want to have a conference
behind my hands? Yeah.
339
00:17:13,750 --> 00:17:16,749
You're so wrong. Um...
(LAUGHTER)
340
00:17:16,750 --> 00:17:22,124
That's not consent, is it? If somebody
just doesn't flinch. (AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
341
00:17:22,125 --> 00:17:24,916
Oh, it's so murky, isn't it?
(LAUGHTER)
342
00:17:24,917 --> 00:17:28,290
So if they don't recoil...
If they're not sick, is normally my...
343
00:17:28,291 --> 00:17:30,290
LEVINE: Right. Okay.
Okay. Yeah.
344
00:17:30,291 --> 00:17:34,124
Um, so, "...feeling no
flinching or resistance,
345
00:17:34,125 --> 00:17:36,791
she slid it up
the leather-clad leg."
346
00:17:36,792 --> 00:17:41,207
Slid what up? Oh, the hand. The hand.
MORTON: Her hand. Her hand.
347
00:17:41,208 --> 00:17:44,082
Uh, the leather-clad leg
of the chair, or of Belinda?
348
00:17:44,083 --> 00:17:47,499
Of Belinda! Okay. Sorry.
There's a lot of leather.
349
00:17:47,500 --> 00:17:53,458
"Belinda opened her leg."
(LAUGHING)
350
00:17:54,792 --> 00:17:57,959
One leg?
Singular.
351
00:17:59,125 --> 00:18:02,499
She just sort of,
spatchcocked her thigh.
352
00:18:02,500 --> 00:18:03,958
MORTON: Yeah. Yeah.
353
00:18:03,959 --> 00:18:08,499
So, "Belinda opened her leg,"
um, "allowing Natasha..."
354
00:18:08,500 --> 00:18:11,916
LEVINE: This is so stupid.
"...free access to..."
355
00:18:11,917 --> 00:18:14,374
If you say WiFi,
I'm walking out.
356
00:18:14,375 --> 00:18:16,749
I was just... that's just my...
that's my line.
357
00:18:16,750 --> 00:18:19,332
Why? She's got four bars
up there. Just...
358
00:18:19,333 --> 00:18:21,666
She's got
a very connected vagina.
359
00:18:21,667 --> 00:18:24,833
Just put your email in,
and you're away.
360
00:18:24,834 --> 00:18:28,374
I want you to know, at this point,
I could say 4G-spot, but I haven't.
361
00:18:28,375 --> 00:18:31,916
I just want you to know that. I've taken the
high ground. I've taken the high ground.
362
00:18:31,917 --> 00:18:35,833
Uh, no, um...
Uh, "free access to her groin."
363
00:18:35,834 --> 00:18:38,791
Groin?
MORTON: Yeah. Sexy, huh?
364
00:18:38,792 --> 00:18:42,207
"With an experienced... hand,
365
00:18:42,208 --> 00:18:45,916
"Natasha undid Belinda's
patent leather belt
366
00:18:45,917 --> 00:18:50,207
and pulled down..."
Are you having an episode?
367
00:18:50,208 --> 00:18:53,624
Why are you speaking like that?
This is really fucking hard to read.
368
00:18:53,625 --> 00:18:55,958
Can I just get this... just this
one sentence up, please?
369
00:18:55,959 --> 00:19:00,332
So, look. So, "Belinda opened her leg allowing
Natasha free access to her groin." Fine.
370
00:19:00,333 --> 00:19:05,124
"With an experienced... hand"
(LAUGHTER)
371
00:19:05,125 --> 00:19:10,999
"Natasha undid Belinda's
patent leather belt
372
00:19:11,000 --> 00:19:13,874
"and pulled, down...
373
00:19:13,875 --> 00:19:18,208
LEVINE: Oh, my God.
"...her trousers's zip."
374
00:19:19,542 --> 00:19:23,374
MORTON: "Trousers's zip."
(AUDIENCE CHEERING)
375
00:19:23,375 --> 00:19:27,374
MORTON: We have to drink on that.
Oh, drink. Drinks for days.
376
00:19:27,375 --> 00:19:30,207
You couldn't dream it
so good, could you.
377
00:19:30,208 --> 00:19:35,749
"Her hand... dove into the vaginal
area." (LAUGHTER, CHEERING)
378
00:19:35,750 --> 00:19:38,749
Oh! Bloody hell!
MORTON: Whoa!
379
00:19:38,750 --> 00:19:41,082
MORTON: Fucking hell, James.
Sounds like she's...
380
00:19:41,083 --> 00:19:43,875
That was good.
I heard the wind rush past you.
381
00:19:44,583 --> 00:19:47,916
Just straight in there.
No splash.
382
00:19:47,917 --> 00:19:50,416
MORTON: Oh. Don't...
Oh, sorry.
383
00:19:50,417 --> 00:19:52,916
Don't say no splash.
384
00:19:52,917 --> 00:19:55,708
I heard it as I said it. Sorry.
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
385
00:19:55,709 --> 00:20:00,750
"Her hand... dove into the vaginal
area, where two...
386
00:20:01,834 --> 00:20:04,457
fingers..."
LEVINE: Oh, God.
387
00:20:04,458 --> 00:20:07,833
"...pulled aside..."
388
00:20:07,834 --> 00:20:10,332
COOPER: What?
MORTON: "...the flimsy..."
389
00:20:10,333 --> 00:20:13,624
Flimsy? Aah!
"red...
390
00:20:13,625 --> 00:20:15,791
panties."
LEVINE: Whew.
391
00:20:15,792 --> 00:20:19,332
COOPER: Okay.
So, like... No, like that.
392
00:20:19,333 --> 00:20:21,457
No, like that.
What are you doing?
393
00:20:21,458 --> 00:20:23,457
What was... Just do that again.
What was that?
394
00:20:23,458 --> 00:20:26,249
Now, I was just hooking them,
the panties, to the side.
395
00:20:26,250 --> 00:20:27,999
MORTON: I mean, I would
rather you didn't, but yeah.
396
00:20:28,000 --> 00:20:30,457
But then I was thinking...
MORTON: What is that?
397
00:20:30,458 --> 00:20:32,958
Stop doing that.
What is that?
398
00:20:32,959 --> 00:20:35,541
I thought that might be
the inflammatory move. Um...
399
00:20:35,542 --> 00:20:39,416
No, I was just thinking
of those... sexy pants.
400
00:20:39,417 --> 00:20:41,124
Uh, you know the ones
that are cut up the middle.
401
00:20:41,125 --> 00:20:43,207
There's a chap, "I know.
Yeah." (LAUGHTER)
402
00:20:43,208 --> 00:20:44,791
LEVINE: Um...
"Oh, I've seen 'em."
403
00:20:44,792 --> 00:20:47,749
Um, so then you would do that,
or like... that.
404
00:20:47,750 --> 00:20:49,124
Stop! What are you...?
Whoa.
405
00:20:49,125 --> 00:20:52,625
They're not curtains.
Fucking hell. Morning!
406
00:20:53,667 --> 00:20:59,290
(MORTON LAUGHS) That's more like Mum
on an iPad, isn't it? That's like...
407
00:20:59,291 --> 00:21:05,666
"Two fingers pulled aside the
flimsy red panties, and entered
408
00:21:05,667 --> 00:21:09,667
her clitoris."
(AUDIENCE GROANS, LAUGHS)
409
00:21:14,166 --> 00:21:18,332
(CHUCKLES) Yes?
James, you have a question.
410
00:21:18,333 --> 00:21:20,374
LEVINE: The lady
in the blouse. Yes?
411
00:21:20,375 --> 00:21:23,582
Yeah. Um, not
my area of expertise,
412
00:21:23,583 --> 00:21:25,791
Yes. Yeah.
But...
413
00:21:25,792 --> 00:21:28,666
you cannot enter a clitoris?
414
00:21:28,667 --> 00:21:30,958
(CHEERS, APPLAUSE)
415
00:21:30,959 --> 00:21:33,417
COOPER: No, please.
MORTON: Whoa, whoa.
416
00:21:35,542 --> 00:21:40,165
James, sit down.
You lot, you should know better.
417
00:21:40,166 --> 00:21:44,457
Do not applaud
basic knowledge like that.
418
00:21:44,458 --> 00:21:46,499
Especially when he said it
as a fucking question.
419
00:21:46,500 --> 00:21:49,374
"You cannot enter a clitoris?"
(LAUGHTER)
420
00:21:49,375 --> 00:21:50,958
That's actually progress,
worryingly.
421
00:21:50,959 --> 00:21:53,332
Yeah, well, that's true. Yeah.
I'll put that in the notebook.
422
00:21:53,333 --> 00:21:55,541
That's another learning for another day.
LEVINE: Is there a notebook?
423
00:21:55,542 --> 00:21:58,040
You know, just the things I've learned.
Musings.
424
00:21:58,041 --> 00:22:01,457
Musings, you know, "You cannot enter
a clitoris." Yeah. Great. Good.
425
00:22:01,458 --> 00:22:05,040
"Not flinching is not
consent." (LAUGHING)
426
00:22:05,041 --> 00:22:09,541
"Belinda gently eased
her trousers down her asshole."
427
00:22:09,542 --> 00:22:12,542
(COOPER CACKLING)
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
428
00:22:14,000 --> 00:22:17,583
Asshole!
(GIGGLING)
429
00:22:18,709 --> 00:22:21,082
"Down her asshole."
430
00:22:21,083 --> 00:22:24,959
How big's her asshole? Down?
431
00:22:26,125 --> 00:22:30,541
Asshole. Asshole... Into the
lower mezzanine of her asshole.
432
00:22:30,542 --> 00:22:33,207
That's really cool. He's just...
COOPER: Wow.
433
00:22:33,208 --> 00:22:36,749
He's got asshole in there, hasn't he?
Dad, what the fuck? Like...
434
00:22:36,750 --> 00:22:40,124
That's not nice.
Are you proud of him?
435
00:22:40,125 --> 00:22:42,875
(LAUGHTER)
Not right now. No.
436
00:22:43,792 --> 00:22:49,958
(LAUGHING) "Belinda gently eased
her trousers down her asshole,
437
00:22:49,959 --> 00:22:53,958
"being careful not to impede
Natasha's rhythmic touching..."
438
00:22:53,959 --> 00:22:55,791
LEVINE: Ooh.
(LAUGHTER)
439
00:22:55,792 --> 00:22:58,666
- Hang on, hang on, hang on. So, Natasha's like that.
- MORTON: Yeah.
440
00:22:58,667 --> 00:23:01,374
- But Belinda's like, "I'm so sorry."
- LEVINE: Yeah, so like...
441
00:23:01,375 --> 00:23:04,124
"Can I just, like..."
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
442
00:23:04,125 --> 00:23:06,374
MORTON: Do you mind if...?
Oh, whoa!
443
00:23:06,375 --> 00:23:09,874
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
No, I didn't. No, I didn't.
444
00:23:09,875 --> 00:23:11,332
You touched a bollock.
No, I didn't!
445
00:23:11,333 --> 00:23:12,833
COOPER: You did.
MORTON: Did she really?
446
00:23:12,834 --> 00:23:14,958
You touched a bollock.
(LAUGHING)
447
00:23:14,959 --> 00:23:16,999
It was fine. I thought we were fine.
You were just saying...
448
00:23:17,000 --> 00:23:20,124
Alice entered my clitoris.
No, I didn't.
449
00:23:20,125 --> 00:23:24,082
I'm not surprised. Five-finger
Levine was going for it up there.
450
00:23:24,083 --> 00:23:27,124
She was absolutely
loving it.
451
00:23:27,125 --> 00:23:30,290
"Belinda put her left leg up
452
00:23:30,291 --> 00:23:33,833
on the arm of Natasha's
carved oak captain's chair."
453
00:23:33,834 --> 00:23:35,667
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
454
00:23:38,000 --> 00:23:41,499
"She ran her left hand
through her raven mane... Ooh!
455
00:23:41,500 --> 00:23:44,416
"...whilst her right
caressed her shapely body.
456
00:23:44,417 --> 00:23:48,499
"Tracing the line
of her taut inner thigh,
457
00:23:48,500 --> 00:23:53,791
she stroked her fingertips
over Natasha's broad shoulders."
458
00:23:53,792 --> 00:23:57,708
Sorry, Jamie. I'm so sorry to interrupt.
Yes. Sorry.
459
00:23:57,709 --> 00:23:59,874
Anyone else
getting a bit lost?
460
00:23:59,875 --> 00:24:02,582
- It is a bit hard to follow, yeah. To be fair.
- COOPER: Yeah, like...
461
00:24:02,583 --> 00:24:04,666
LEVINE: Just... just now.
COOPER: Just now.
462
00:24:04,667 --> 00:24:07,290
- Like, bits are going in different places.
- MORTON: Yeah, yeah, yeah.
463
00:24:07,291 --> 00:24:10,624
It's kind of turning into a bit of a
game of Twister, isn't it? Yeah. It is.
464
00:24:10,625 --> 00:24:12,958
Do you know what this would be
a great opportunity to do?
465
00:24:12,959 --> 00:24:16,124
Something we can't do on the podcast.
Leave early?
466
00:24:16,125 --> 00:24:19,457
(LAUGHS) No. But great idea.
No, no, no, no. Yeah.
467
00:24:19,458 --> 00:24:21,874
A recreation.
Yes!
468
00:24:21,875 --> 00:24:25,040
(AUDIENCE HOOTS)
Let's bring the book to life!
469
00:24:25,041 --> 00:24:26,582
MORTON: I'm up for that. Yeah.
I'm game. Yeah.
470
00:24:26,583 --> 00:24:29,958
Okay, great. So I'm gonna
need a couple of volunteers
471
00:24:29,959 --> 00:24:31,874
from the audience.
472
00:24:31,875 --> 00:24:34,207
I'm gonna go... I think
I'm gonna go amongst them.
473
00:24:34,208 --> 00:24:36,624
Good luck. Lube me up.
I'm going in.
474
00:24:36,625 --> 00:24:40,416
All right. Okay.
Um, anyone... anyone someone's plus one?
475
00:24:40,417 --> 00:24:43,041
Anyone, like,
what the hell am I... Oh! Oh!
476
00:24:44,083 --> 00:24:46,165
Hello.
Hi.
477
00:24:46,166 --> 00:24:49,582
Hi. Uh, so you're a plus one?
Yes.
478
00:24:49,583 --> 00:24:51,290
Is this a date?
No.
479
00:24:51,291 --> 00:24:53,249
WOMAN: Yes, it is.
It's a date?
480
00:24:53,250 --> 00:24:55,124
WOMAN: It is. It is.
A first date?
481
00:24:55,125 --> 00:24:57,874
Yes, it is.
(ALL LAUGHING)
482
00:24:57,875 --> 00:25:00,666
What was that?
It definitely is a first date.
483
00:25:00,667 --> 00:25:04,582
Oh, my God! We've got a first date!
Oh, my God. Right.
484
00:25:04,583 --> 00:25:09,082
Right, right, right.
What's your name? Ari. Ari!
485
00:25:09,083 --> 00:25:11,791
Ari. Ari, and...
Tom.
486
00:25:11,792 --> 00:25:13,542
Ari and Tom.
487
00:25:14,500 --> 00:25:17,624
So, how did you meet?
We work together.
488
00:25:17,625 --> 00:25:20,749
You work together? Oh, my God.
It's like Steeles Pots and Pans!
489
00:25:20,750 --> 00:25:24,916
(LAUGHING)
Where do you work?
490
00:25:24,917 --> 00:25:26,332
No, no...
491
00:25:26,333 --> 00:25:27,958
A chemical company.
No, no.
492
00:25:27,959 --> 00:25:30,709
A chemical company.
(LAUGHING)
493
00:25:32,083 --> 00:25:35,541
Our company makes
the latex for condoms.
494
00:25:35,542 --> 00:25:39,582
Are you fucking joking me?
(AUDIENCE CHEERING)
495
00:25:39,583 --> 00:25:42,041
Oh, my God.
496
00:25:45,208 --> 00:25:48,958
Well, um, I hope you manage to use
your own products this evening.
497
00:25:48,959 --> 00:25:50,416
(LAUGHTER)
498
00:25:50,417 --> 00:25:53,499
Have a fabulous night.
Give 'em a round of applause, guys.
499
00:25:53,500 --> 00:25:56,458
(AUDIENCE CHEERING, WHISTLING)
500
00:25:57,667 --> 00:26:01,457
Uh, okay. So, would anyone
like to help us recreate
501
00:26:01,458 --> 00:26:03,124
a scene this evening?
502
00:26:03,125 --> 00:26:07,124
Oh, yes. Oh, my God. She's got,
like, the perfect Belinda hair.
503
00:26:07,125 --> 00:26:09,124
COOPER: Okay.
(LAUGHING)
504
00:26:09,125 --> 00:26:11,416
Hello. What's your name?
Katie.
505
00:26:11,417 --> 00:26:14,249
Katie. Okay, Katie.
What do you do for a job?
506
00:26:14,250 --> 00:26:17,332
I'm a chef.
She's a chef!
507
00:26:17,333 --> 00:26:20,666
She works with pots and pans!
508
00:26:20,667 --> 00:26:23,541
It's fate.
COOPER: It's meant to be.
509
00:26:23,542 --> 00:26:27,082
You're perfect.
Katie, you're our Belinda.
510
00:26:27,083 --> 00:26:29,374
There you go.
(AUDIENCE CHEERING)
511
00:26:29,375 --> 00:26:33,999
Head up to the stage.
Uh, we also need a Natasha.
512
00:26:34,000 --> 00:26:35,999
So, will you be our Natasha?
Of course. Yeah.
513
00:26:36,000 --> 00:26:39,207
Amazing. Okay. We have our Natasha.
Give her a round of applause.
514
00:26:39,208 --> 00:26:40,791
Head up to the stage.
Let's go.
515
00:26:40,792 --> 00:26:43,291
(AUDIENCE CHEERING)
516
00:26:45,000 --> 00:26:48,207
Okay. Right.
So, if you take a seat
517
00:26:48,208 --> 00:26:50,207
in the chair,
you're Natasha.
518
00:26:50,208 --> 00:26:51,749
You stand there.
You're Belinda.
519
00:26:51,750 --> 00:26:54,374
Okay. Right. So,
what's gonna happen is,
520
00:26:54,375 --> 00:26:55,916
Jamie's gonna read
from the book,
521
00:26:55,917 --> 00:26:58,999
and you literally have to
act out what he says. Okay?
522
00:26:59,000 --> 00:27:01,624
Good luck. It's bad.
(LAUGHING)
523
00:27:01,625 --> 00:27:04,124
COOPER: Um, I feel like
we need to help these two
524
00:27:04,125 --> 00:27:06,207
get in the mood, though, don't we?
MORTON: Yeah, I think so. Yeah.
525
00:27:06,208 --> 00:27:10,499
Could we set, uh,
a kind of sexy mood onstage, please?
526
00:27:10,500 --> 00:27:14,416
(SLOW PORN GROOVE MUSIC PLAYING)
527
00:27:14,417 --> 00:27:16,874
COOPER: Ooh, yes.
I also have something for you.
528
00:27:16,875 --> 00:27:20,875
Oh, wow.
COOPER: LED tea-lights. Alice!
529
00:27:23,333 --> 00:27:25,165
You shouldn't have.
530
00:27:25,166 --> 00:27:28,040
MORTON: I think we're learning a lot
about Alice Levine's private life, here.
531
00:27:28,041 --> 00:27:32,082
LED tea-lights. Hello!
They work every time. Every time. Yeah.
532
00:27:32,083 --> 00:27:33,708
COOPER: Okay, Jamie.
I think we're ready.
533
00:27:33,709 --> 00:27:36,708
So, when you're ready to...
Okay.
534
00:27:36,709 --> 00:27:39,499
"Belinda put
her left leg
535
00:27:39,500 --> 00:27:43,874
up on the arm of Natasha's
carved oak captain's chair."
536
00:27:43,875 --> 00:27:47,791
Okay, you have to come... Whoa!
(AUDIENCE HOOTING)
537
00:27:47,792 --> 00:27:50,458
(CHEERING, WHISTLING)
538
00:27:52,709 --> 00:27:56,959
So that's what it looks like!
(LAUGHING)
539
00:27:59,417 --> 00:28:00,874
Oh, gods!
540
00:28:00,875 --> 00:28:04,082
Okay, hang on. Have you got...
Oh, can I just borrow that?
541
00:28:04,083 --> 00:28:06,165
Okay, put your left foot up.
Trust me, trust me.
542
00:28:06,166 --> 00:28:08,124
Okay. On the arm. On the arm.
543
00:28:08,125 --> 00:28:10,874
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
544
00:28:10,875 --> 00:28:13,625
There you go. Hold that there.
Hold that there. Okay.
545
00:28:14,625 --> 00:28:18,874
"She ran her left hand
through her raven mane,
546
00:28:18,875 --> 00:28:22,416
whilst her right
caressed her shapely body."
547
00:28:22,417 --> 00:28:24,916
I'll hold the hat for you.
There you go. Oh, thank you.
548
00:28:24,917 --> 00:28:27,749
Oh, my God! Oh, my God!
MORTON: Yes!
549
00:28:27,750 --> 00:28:31,290
(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)
COOPER: Woo!
550
00:28:31,291 --> 00:28:35,624
Has anyone else got a semi, because...
(LAUGHING)
551
00:28:35,625 --> 00:28:37,708
This is hot stuff.
552
00:28:37,709 --> 00:28:42,207
"Tracing the line
of her taut inner thigh..."
553
00:28:42,208 --> 00:28:44,374
COOPER: There you go. Yeah.
554
00:28:44,375 --> 00:28:49,457
"...she stroked her fingertips
over Natasha's broad shoulders."
555
00:28:49,458 --> 00:28:53,541
Okay, so if you bring them around here,
just stroke her like a cat. There you go.
556
00:28:53,542 --> 00:28:55,624
BELINDA: Oh! Almost!
Oh, God.
557
00:28:55,625 --> 00:28:57,541
Leg up. Arm here.
There we go.
558
00:28:57,542 --> 00:28:59,666
I feel like James
would be such a bossy lover.
559
00:28:59,667 --> 00:29:03,833
No, arm there. No, caress me there.
Leg up. Arm there. Come on.
560
00:29:03,834 --> 00:29:08,458
COOPER: Yeah. Okay.
"She grabbed her left breast."
561
00:29:12,834 --> 00:29:14,999
If Rocky's written it,
it's possible.
562
00:29:15,000 --> 00:29:17,165
BELINDA: I have to grab it forward.
563
00:29:17,166 --> 00:29:19,666
COOPER: There we go.
She's on the breast!
564
00:29:19,667 --> 00:29:21,834
(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)
565
00:29:25,417 --> 00:29:27,582
I'll take that.
566
00:29:27,583 --> 00:29:31,457
"She squeezed
a nut-shaped nipple..."
567
00:29:31,458 --> 00:29:33,332
Wait, wait, wait.
We've got nuts.
568
00:29:33,333 --> 00:29:36,040
We've got some nuts.
We'll bring you a nut.
569
00:29:36,041 --> 00:29:37,916
COOPER: Okay,
what have we got?
570
00:29:37,917 --> 00:29:40,666
LEVINE: What would you like?
What nipple would you like?
571
00:29:40,667 --> 00:29:42,457
COOPER: Should we go with that one?
Yeah, sure.
572
00:29:42,458 --> 00:29:44,958
COOPER: That's nice and fancy.
LEVINE: That's offensive, but, yeah.
573
00:29:44,959 --> 00:29:46,457
No, no.
You hold it.
574
00:29:46,458 --> 00:29:49,457
You hold it where the nipple goes.
There we go.
575
00:29:49,458 --> 00:29:51,624
"She squeezed
a nut-shaped nipple
576
00:29:51,625 --> 00:29:54,708
and followed the outline
with her forefinger."
577
00:29:54,709 --> 00:29:58,207
MORTON: "Going, going 'round."
COOPER: Going 'round.
578
00:29:58,208 --> 00:30:00,708
MORTON: "And 'round."
COOPER: And 'round.
579
00:30:00,709 --> 00:30:03,082
"And round."
(LAUGHS) And round.
580
00:30:03,083 --> 00:30:04,875
"And 'round."
(LAUGHING)
581
00:30:05,458 --> 00:30:08,958
"But increasing the pressure
with each circumnavigation."
582
00:30:08,959 --> 00:30:11,165
COOPER: Okay, you really give it
some, and you're enjoying it.
583
00:30:11,166 --> 00:30:12,417
You're enjoying it.
584
00:30:14,875 --> 00:30:19,040
(LAUGHS)
"Natasha moaned deeply."
585
00:30:19,041 --> 00:30:22,667
Uh... (LAUGHS)
(ALL LAUGHING)
586
00:30:26,208 --> 00:30:28,541
(MOANS)
587
00:30:28,542 --> 00:30:32,165
"Belinda bent her head..."
There we go.
588
00:30:32,166 --> 00:30:37,416
"...and started to excavate
her damp cave."
589
00:30:37,417 --> 00:30:40,332
(AUDIENCE EXCLAIMING) No, no, no,
no, no, no. That's quite enough.
590
00:30:40,333 --> 00:30:43,082
Let's stop the music.
Let's get the lights back to normal.
591
00:30:43,083 --> 00:30:45,916
I think that's quite enough.
Ladies and gentlemen,
592
00:30:45,917 --> 00:30:48,624
please give a round of applause
for Belinda and Natasha.
593
00:30:48,625 --> 00:30:50,582
Take a bow, girls.
Take a bow.
594
00:30:50,583 --> 00:30:54,124
(CHEERING, WHISTLING)
595
00:30:54,125 --> 00:30:56,917
Thank you. Thank you.
596
00:31:00,792 --> 00:31:04,749
I mean, that was...
(LAUGHS) That was a train wreck.
597
00:31:04,750 --> 00:31:07,249
That was a lot.
MORTON: But, you know, well done, James.
598
00:31:07,250 --> 00:31:09,874
I saw a vagina.
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
599
00:31:09,875 --> 00:31:11,416
Okay.
600
00:31:11,417 --> 00:31:14,249
"Suddenly,
the girls heard the sound
601
00:31:14,250 --> 00:31:16,082
of the regional
sales managers..."
602
00:31:16,083 --> 00:31:17,332
Oh, my God.
That's why we're here.
603
00:31:17,333 --> 00:31:19,165
I'd completely forgotten
why we were here.
604
00:31:19,166 --> 00:31:22,457
It's like the Beatles have arrived.
(LAUGHTER)
605
00:31:22,458 --> 00:31:26,457
"...of the regional sales
manager's cars parking outside.
606
00:31:26,458 --> 00:31:28,833
"They quickly dressed
one another,
607
00:31:28,834 --> 00:31:33,124
finishing just as her subordinates
plodded into the room."
608
00:31:33,125 --> 00:31:35,624
LEVINE: Way to kill the energy, Rocky.
Thanks.
609
00:31:35,625 --> 00:31:38,207
"Patrick O'Hamlin..."
610
00:31:38,208 --> 00:31:40,040
(AUDIENCE CHEERING)
COOPER: Yay!
611
00:31:40,041 --> 00:31:43,999
Yeah, he's in charge of two
whole countries, lest we forget.
612
00:31:44,000 --> 00:31:47,874
Scotland, and Ireland. Busy man.
613
00:31:47,875 --> 00:31:52,291
"Ken Dewsbury..."
(AUDIENCE CHEERING)
614
00:31:52,792 --> 00:31:57,999
Really? He films women
in his cellar.
615
00:31:58,000 --> 00:32:00,332
Guys, come on.
616
00:32:00,333 --> 00:32:04,457
You guys are sick.
"Des Martin..."
617
00:32:04,458 --> 00:32:06,625
(CHEERING)
618
00:32:08,208 --> 00:32:12,332
And he dribbles during sex.
God, this lot.
619
00:32:12,333 --> 00:32:14,499
"And Dave Wilcox..."
620
00:32:14,500 --> 00:32:16,541
(SCATTERED CHEERS)
Oh.
621
00:32:16,542 --> 00:32:20,082
The Ringo of the group,
clearly.
622
00:32:20,083 --> 00:32:24,791
"...slumped into the expansive
collection of chairs."
623
00:32:24,792 --> 00:32:27,874
So, the regional sales managers are
kind of all on the same level, right,
624
00:32:27,875 --> 00:32:29,416
within the hierarchy
of the company?
625
00:32:29,417 --> 00:32:31,374
Yeah, they're all under
Belinda, so to speak.
626
00:32:31,375 --> 00:32:33,958
I actually, um, thought
it'd be useful to see
627
00:32:33,959 --> 00:32:36,958
the kind of company structure
of Steeles Pots and Pans.
628
00:32:36,959 --> 00:32:39,666
Uh, 'cause there's been so much
thought put into these books.
629
00:32:39,667 --> 00:32:42,332
Um, so I actually
have it here. Um...
630
00:32:42,333 --> 00:32:44,165
So, there's Belinda,
the center of it all.
631
00:32:44,166 --> 00:32:46,082
LEVINE: I love that we're
supposed to be turned on,
632
00:32:46,083 --> 00:32:49,541
and we're looking at a chart
of the company structure
633
00:32:49,542 --> 00:32:51,374
of a pots and pans company.
634
00:32:51,375 --> 00:32:54,582
Yeah, it's not the most sexy, is it?
It's also not that useful.
635
00:32:54,583 --> 00:32:57,791
What's really important
is to see who's fucked who.
636
00:32:57,792 --> 00:33:00,874
Yes! So, let's...
let's change that,
637
00:33:00,875 --> 00:33:04,124
and see who's done
the dirty with whom.
638
00:33:04,125 --> 00:33:05,541
LEVINE: Oh, jeez.
(LAUGHTER)
639
00:33:05,542 --> 00:33:07,457
Yeah. So, you really kind
of, so, you know...
640
00:33:07,458 --> 00:33:09,749
COOPER: Wow.
What do all the lines mean?
641
00:33:09,750 --> 00:33:13,374
Yeah. So, red is
"flirting whilst nude."
642
00:33:13,375 --> 00:33:16,040
(LAUGHING) Um, you
know, so not that much
643
00:33:16,041 --> 00:33:18,457
of that's gone on, actually,
at Steeles Pots and Pans.
644
00:33:18,458 --> 00:33:20,749
Heavy petting
is rife.
645
00:33:20,750 --> 00:33:22,457
A lot of that's
been going on.
646
00:33:22,458 --> 00:33:24,124
That's
the blue line.
647
00:33:24,125 --> 00:33:25,666
Then you've got
all the sex,
648
00:33:25,667 --> 00:33:26,874
which is
the green one,
649
00:33:26,875 --> 00:33:28,916
So again, not that much
going on at Steeles.
650
00:33:28,917 --> 00:33:30,958
So let's widen it out,
651
00:33:30,959 --> 00:33:32,499
and have a look
at the context
652
00:33:32,500 --> 00:33:35,249
with every character
that's ever graced
653
00:33:35,250 --> 00:33:37,874
the Belinda Blinked universe.
COOPER: Oh, my God.
654
00:33:37,875 --> 00:33:40,416
LEVINE: Oh, my God.
MORTON: Look at it.
655
00:33:40,417 --> 00:33:43,749
It's like the London
Underground. Look at it.
656
00:33:43,750 --> 00:33:47,457
- I love that all lines lead to Belinda, as well.
- MORTON: Yeah, yeah, yeah.
657
00:33:47,458 --> 00:33:52,417
Although, and this is so sad,
look, Jim Thompson. Nothing!
658
00:33:53,542 --> 00:33:57,416
Not a sausage, literally.
(LEVINE LAUGHING)
659
00:33:57,417 --> 00:34:00,332
COOPER: Poor Jim!
MORTON: Poor Jim!
660
00:34:00,333 --> 00:34:04,749
"But the session
had begun."
661
00:34:04,750 --> 00:34:07,249
Yes, it had.
(CHEERS)
662
00:34:07,250 --> 00:34:12,040
"Natasha placed three dice
onto the table."
663
00:34:12,041 --> 00:34:13,958
Dice?
MORTON: Dice.
664
00:34:13,959 --> 00:34:19,125
(SCOFFS) Okay. "And asked
each person to take a throw."
665
00:34:20,709 --> 00:34:25,582
"Patrick O'Hamlin.
He went first." Oh, yeah.
666
00:34:25,583 --> 00:34:28,250
"And with a hint of a tease,
667
00:34:29,000 --> 00:34:33,999
he scored three... sixes!"
668
00:34:34,000 --> 00:34:35,708
LEVINE: Oh, that's good!
669
00:34:35,709 --> 00:34:39,541
That is the best you can
do with three dice.
670
00:34:39,542 --> 00:34:42,290
I'm sorry. What are we playing?
(LAUGHTER)
671
00:34:42,291 --> 00:34:44,791
Uh, we're playing dice.
Dice. Yeah, he did say that.
672
00:34:44,792 --> 00:34:46,999
Not a game, but cool.
673
00:34:47,000 --> 00:34:50,874
"Everyone else groaned..."
LEVINE: Oh, let's groan.
674
00:34:50,875 --> 00:34:52,207
(GROANS)
(GROANS)
675
00:34:52,208 --> 00:34:55,165
"...swearing at the luck
of the Irish..."
676
00:34:55,166 --> 00:34:58,207
(LAUGHING)
Bastards.
677
00:34:58,208 --> 00:35:01,332
"...the rest of the RSMs
took their throws.
678
00:35:01,333 --> 00:35:06,791
"Des Martin scored
a good, solid ten..."
679
00:35:06,792 --> 00:35:10,666
LEVINE: That's decent.
"...from a three, a five, and a two."
680
00:35:10,667 --> 00:35:12,499
(LAUGHING)
681
00:35:12,500 --> 00:35:15,166
♪ Nobody cares! ♪
682
00:35:15,917 --> 00:35:19,999
"Dave Wilcox scored a 12...
683
00:35:20,000 --> 00:35:21,374
(AUDIENCE CHEERS)
684
00:35:21,375 --> 00:35:24,999
"...from a five, a six,
and a one." (LAUGHING)
685
00:35:25,000 --> 00:35:27,833
I love that he's just
filling pages.
686
00:35:27,834 --> 00:35:32,082
"And Ken Dewsbury...
(CHEERING)
687
00:35:32,083 --> 00:35:34,874
"...a measly seven."
LEVINE: Ooh.
688
00:35:34,875 --> 00:35:37,833
Oh, let me guess.
A one, a four, a two.
689
00:35:37,834 --> 00:35:42,375
MORTON: "From a two,
a three, and a two." Oh.
690
00:35:43,041 --> 00:35:46,207
"Natasha picked up the dice."
691
00:35:46,208 --> 00:35:48,207
Oh, there's more dice,
more dice.
692
00:35:48,208 --> 00:35:51,749
"And she passed them
on to Belinda."
693
00:35:51,750 --> 00:35:55,290
It's a lot of dice admin.
MORTON: (LAUGHING) Yeah.
694
00:35:55,291 --> 00:35:57,166
"Belinda smiled, but...
695
00:35:58,291 --> 00:36:00,582
"she didn't wink."
(LAUGHTER)
696
00:36:00,583 --> 00:36:03,332
Then don't write it. Yeah.
Good to know. Thanks, Dad.
697
00:36:03,333 --> 00:36:06,207
(LAUGHING) You don't need to
document it if it didn't happen.
698
00:36:06,208 --> 00:36:09,583
"Her quick but casual throw..."
699
00:36:11,417 --> 00:36:14,750
Don't know where they went.
Do not care.
700
00:36:16,417 --> 00:36:21,542
"Her quick but casual throw
resulted...
701
00:36:22,542 --> 00:36:26,374
in a score..." Oh, can we drumroll?
Can we do a little...?
702
00:36:26,375 --> 00:36:29,791
(ALL PATTING RHYTHMICALLY)
703
00:36:29,792 --> 00:36:31,959
"...of..."
704
00:36:36,083 --> 00:36:40,374
"...four..."
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
705
00:36:40,375 --> 00:36:45,999
Oh, God.
"...from a one, a two...
706
00:36:46,000 --> 00:36:48,208
and another wretched one."
707
00:36:49,750 --> 00:36:51,666
That's
disappointing.
708
00:36:51,667 --> 00:36:57,624
"Natasha Biles looked
daggers at her..." (LAUGHING)
709
00:36:57,625 --> 00:37:03,000
"...as a stunned silence said everything
there was to say on the matter.
710
00:37:04,166 --> 00:37:08,000
"Belinda lowered her eyes
and thought...
711
00:37:09,583 --> 00:37:11,624
"Fuck me.
712
00:37:11,625 --> 00:37:12,958
(LAUGHTER)
713
00:37:12,959 --> 00:37:16,833
"I've... I've ruined
her exercise.
714
00:37:16,834 --> 00:37:18,916
What's she gonna do to me now?"
715
00:37:18,917 --> 00:37:23,166
Can we get a tiny bit of perspective?
(LAUGHING)
716
00:37:24,083 --> 00:37:26,582
"Natasha said..."
717
00:37:26,583 --> 00:37:30,082
(IN FRENCH ACCENT)
"'That's the end of dice class.
718
00:37:30,083 --> 00:37:33,666
"'Belinda, seeing as
you came bottom,
719
00:37:33,667 --> 00:37:38,791
"'you must spend the rest
of the afternoon...
720
00:37:38,792 --> 00:37:42,290
"'topless.'"
(LAUGHING)
721
00:37:42,291 --> 00:37:45,792
(AUDIENCE CHEERING)
722
00:37:51,458 --> 00:37:54,833
"Natasha took Belinda
by the elbow...
723
00:37:54,834 --> 00:37:56,332
(LEVINE GIGGLES)
724
00:37:56,333 --> 00:38:00,499
...guided her to the edge of
the room and licked her face."
725
00:38:00,500 --> 00:38:02,624
LEVINE: Oh, God.
(LAUGHING)
726
00:38:02,625 --> 00:38:04,916
LEVINE: As you do.
COOPER: Why?
727
00:38:04,917 --> 00:38:07,917
I literally have no idea what's
going on in this fucking book.
728
00:38:08,750 --> 00:38:14,749
"Secretly, she pulled out a
box of Humphries Dice and Mice
729
00:38:14,750 --> 00:38:18,082
joke shop dice."
730
00:38:18,083 --> 00:38:21,499
My preferred brand.
731
00:38:21,500 --> 00:38:23,708
"And whispered..."
732
00:38:23,709 --> 00:38:26,791
- TIM: (IN FRENCH ACCENT) "'As you can see...'"
- MORTON: Whispered.
733
00:38:26,792 --> 00:38:29,124
(WHISPERING)
"'As you can see,
734
00:38:29,125 --> 00:38:33,666
"'my box of dice
are from Humphries
735
00:38:33,667 --> 00:38:37,624
"'Dice and Mice
joke shop.
736
00:38:37,625 --> 00:38:40,874
"'Suppliers to royalty.'"
737
00:38:40,875 --> 00:38:42,708
(LAUGHING, CHEERING)
738
00:38:42,709 --> 00:38:45,082
LEVINE: It's very good.
739
00:38:45,083 --> 00:38:47,542
It's very, very good.
740
00:38:49,834 --> 00:38:55,374
(IN HIGH-PITCHED VOICE) "'Why, why
you... you, you... why, you..."
741
00:38:55,375 --> 00:38:57,416
LEVINE: That does not say that.
742
00:38:57,417 --> 00:38:58,749
Look.
Oh, it does say that.
743
00:38:58,750 --> 00:39:00,541
Get up, get up.
Get this line up.
744
00:39:00,542 --> 00:39:03,165
(LAUGHTER)
(COOPER CACKLING)
745
00:39:03,166 --> 00:39:06,999
"'Why, why you...
you, you...
746
00:39:07,000 --> 00:39:10,999
"'why you, you...
you, why you.
747
00:39:11,000 --> 00:39:16,916
You switched the dice
when it was my turn.'"
748
00:39:16,917 --> 00:39:21,165
That is poetry.
That is beautiful.
749
00:39:21,166 --> 00:39:24,457
"'Natasha declared..."
750
00:39:24,458 --> 00:39:28,082
(IN FRENCH ACCENT) "'What do
you expect? I am a guru.'"
751
00:39:28,083 --> 00:39:30,499
(LAUGHING)
752
00:39:30,500 --> 00:39:36,082
"Lust and professional respect
pulsed through her body." (LAUGHING)
753
00:39:36,083 --> 00:39:39,125
Two very different emotions
all at...
754
00:39:40,375 --> 00:39:44,249
"It was as if Natasha could
taste it on her breath."
755
00:39:44,250 --> 00:39:48,791
LEVINE: Oh. Her breath? Have you
eaten lust and professional respect?
756
00:39:48,792 --> 00:39:51,416
(LAUGHING)
Ooh, it's very strong.
757
00:39:51,417 --> 00:39:54,583
Does it repeat?
Is it like onions?
758
00:39:55,583 --> 00:39:59,040
"It was as if Natasha
could taste it on her breath,
759
00:39:59,041 --> 00:40:02,750
"because she slowly
pulled up her skirt...
760
00:40:04,959 --> 00:40:08,457
and flashed her cervix."
761
00:40:08,458 --> 00:40:11,708
(AUDIENCE CHEERING)
762
00:40:11,709 --> 00:40:13,374
MORTON: Now...
763
00:40:13,375 --> 00:40:15,457
(AUDIENCE WOLF WHISTLES)
764
00:40:15,458 --> 00:40:17,874
He has done this before.
765
00:40:17,875 --> 00:40:20,082
Dad doesn't know
what a cervix is.
766
00:40:20,083 --> 00:40:24,374
He thinks it's just another word
for vagina. (COOPER LAUGHING)
767
00:40:24,375 --> 00:40:26,833
And, I... Alice.
768
00:40:26,834 --> 00:40:29,541
This is a specific
pet peeve of yours.
769
00:40:29,542 --> 00:40:31,541
It should be a specific
pet peeve of all of ours.
770
00:40:31,542 --> 00:40:35,082
And it is, absolutely. But, I think
particularly, it's a bee in your bonnet.
771
00:40:35,083 --> 00:40:38,165
COOPER: Yeah. Well, he does just
think that all of the lady bits
772
00:40:38,166 --> 00:40:41,916
are sort of jumbled up in a bag,
and they can kind of go anywhere.
773
00:40:41,917 --> 00:40:46,332
It feels like this would be a missed opportunity
to not clear it up once and for all,
774
00:40:46,333 --> 00:40:48,749
so can I take two minutes of your time?
COOPER: Please.
775
00:40:48,750 --> 00:40:51,999
Please. Alice, you can take four.
Thanks. Okay.
776
00:40:52,000 --> 00:40:54,166
(AUDIENCE CHEERING)
777
00:40:56,083 --> 00:41:00,749
So it will surprise you to hear that we do
do some preparation before the show. I know.
778
00:41:00,750 --> 00:41:04,999
And we were reading this study,
because Rocky does really struggle...
779
00:41:05,000 --> 00:41:07,124
MORTON: Yeah, he does.
...with female anatomy.
780
00:41:07,125 --> 00:41:09,541
But it turns out,
so do a lot of you.
781
00:41:09,542 --> 00:41:11,999
Because 50 percent
of millennial women
782
00:41:12,000 --> 00:41:13,708
don't know where
their vagina is.
783
00:41:13,709 --> 00:41:16,582
That's real. That's not a joke.
MORTON: It's true. It's a true fact.
784
00:41:16,583 --> 00:41:18,624
This is not
a laughing matter. Okay?
785
00:41:18,625 --> 00:41:20,541
I don't mean they're like,
"Is it here?"
786
00:41:20,542 --> 00:41:23,457
I mean, they, like, don't know
which bit's which. So...
787
00:41:23,458 --> 00:41:26,290
What do you think
that top label is?
788
00:41:26,291 --> 00:41:27,999
They are the...?
789
00:41:28,000 --> 00:41:29,958
(INDISTINCT SHOUTS
FROM AUDIENCE)
790
00:41:29,959 --> 00:41:32,374
I said to the boys backstage, I had
a little peek through the curtain,
791
00:41:32,375 --> 00:41:36,124
I was like,
"We have a room full of FalTu fans."
792
00:41:36,125 --> 00:41:38,749
Yes. Fallopian tubes.
Okay.
793
00:41:38,750 --> 00:41:41,916
Brilliant. Okay. Next one down.
What are they?
794
00:41:41,917 --> 00:41:44,082
AUDIENCE: Ovaries!
795
00:41:44,083 --> 00:41:47,749
Okay, that was almost
unanimous, apart from a chap...
796
00:41:47,750 --> 00:41:50,582
I'm not gonna look at you, sir, 'cause
I don't want to embarrass anybody,
797
00:41:50,583 --> 00:41:54,583
but in this zone, who definitely
said lungs, but yes, that is...
798
00:41:55,917 --> 00:42:00,457
the... the lungs of the
reproductive system, if you like.
799
00:42:00,458 --> 00:42:01,874
That is the ovaries.
800
00:42:01,875 --> 00:42:04,416
Sir, please be careful.
You are gonna kill someone.
801
00:42:04,417 --> 00:42:06,666
Um... next one down.
802
00:42:06,667 --> 00:42:08,290
I'll give you a little clue.
803
00:42:08,291 --> 00:42:12,374
It's the team player.
You can't spell this without "us."
804
00:42:12,375 --> 00:42:15,082
Yes, it's the uterus.
You betcha.
805
00:42:15,083 --> 00:42:18,040
Um, okay, bottom right, sir,
that's not what it's called.
806
00:42:18,041 --> 00:42:21,165
What is the bottom right one?
(AUDIENCE SHOUTS ANSWERS)
807
00:42:21,166 --> 00:42:24,249
Did someone say banana?
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
808
00:42:24,250 --> 00:42:26,708
It's worse than I thought.
It's higher than 50 percent.
809
00:42:26,709 --> 00:42:28,833
That is the vagina. Okay.
So the last one...
810
00:42:28,834 --> 00:42:31,708
Let's just have just complete
silence for a second.
811
00:42:31,709 --> 00:42:34,749
Um, and I think on the count of
three, we could all do this together.
812
00:42:34,750 --> 00:42:38,791
Because I am gonna have a little
guess that this is not happening
813
00:42:38,792 --> 00:42:40,416
anywhere else in London tonight.
814
00:42:40,417 --> 00:42:42,874
Okay. So on the count
of three, as loudly...
815
00:42:42,875 --> 00:42:47,249
At the top of your lungs,
you might say, sir... (LAUGHTER)
816
00:42:47,250 --> 00:42:49,416
Mind blown. Okay.
817
00:42:49,417 --> 00:42:51,791
Three, two, one...
818
00:42:51,792 --> 00:42:54,207
ALL: Cervix!
819
00:42:54,208 --> 00:42:56,457
That was magical. I...
(CHEERING)
820
00:42:56,458 --> 00:42:58,457
Yeah.
(APPLAUSE)
821
00:42:58,458 --> 00:43:01,124
Yeah. Applaud yourselves.
Yeah.
822
00:43:01,125 --> 00:43:03,499
Because you just made
me come, so thank you.
823
00:43:03,500 --> 00:43:06,624
(LAUGHING) Thank you so much.
Thank you.
824
00:43:06,625 --> 00:43:10,000
(AUDIENCE CHEERING)
825
00:43:13,959 --> 00:43:15,833
Alice Levine.
Fucking respect.
826
00:43:15,834 --> 00:43:17,416
That was good.
LEVINE: Thanks.
827
00:43:17,417 --> 00:43:20,582
MORTON: "The team couldn't
believe their luck,
828
00:43:20,583 --> 00:43:26,916
"as Natasha and Belinda
unbuttoned their blouses,
829
00:43:26,917 --> 00:43:29,791
"unhooked their brassieres,
830
00:43:29,792 --> 00:43:33,125
and let their respective
tits hang out."
831
00:43:34,458 --> 00:43:36,624
LEVINE: Yes.
(LAUGHTER)
832
00:43:36,625 --> 00:43:38,499
COOPER: Respective tits?
833
00:43:38,500 --> 00:43:42,165
These are my tits.
Those are your tits.
834
00:43:42,166 --> 00:43:45,999
"Within seconds,
a somewhat flushed-ish..."
835
00:43:46,000 --> 00:43:48,082
(LAUGHTER)
Oh!
836
00:43:48,083 --> 00:43:50,874
That's, although stupid,
quite nice, "flushed-ish."
837
00:43:50,875 --> 00:43:52,791
Oh, it's ever so nice to say.
COOPER: Flushed-ish.
838
00:43:52,792 --> 00:43:55,040
"Within seconds,
a somewhat flushed-ish
839
00:43:55,041 --> 00:43:58,667
"Patrick O'Hamlin
stood up and said...
840
00:43:59,875 --> 00:44:03,207
(IN WHINY VOICE) "'Hey!"
(COOPER CACKLES)
841
00:44:03,208 --> 00:44:08,041
"'Hey, listen to me.
I got the straight sixes.
842
00:44:09,208 --> 00:44:13,375
"'I'm strippin' off, too.'"
COOPER: Oh.
843
00:44:14,542 --> 00:44:18,374
"Suddenly, Ken Dewsbury
piped up.
844
00:44:18,375 --> 00:44:20,416
(AUDIENCE HOOTS)
845
00:44:20,417 --> 00:44:24,500
"'Fuck it.'"
(LAUGHTER)
846
00:44:27,041 --> 00:44:32,499
"'Fuck it. I did no better
than ladies.
847
00:44:32,500 --> 00:44:38,249
- "'I reckon I should be balled naked, too.'"
- LEVINE: Balled naked?
848
00:44:38,250 --> 00:44:41,249
"Then, unbelievably,
849
00:44:41,250 --> 00:44:43,916
"keeping true to his word,
850
00:44:43,917 --> 00:44:48,542
Ken Dewsbury removed
all of his clothes."
851
00:44:49,542 --> 00:44:54,749
I don't want to see it.
"He folded them carefully."
852
00:44:54,750 --> 00:44:56,582
Drink.
853
00:44:56,583 --> 00:44:59,333
Although, I think that's
sexy and respectful.
854
00:45:00,083 --> 00:45:04,541
"He folded them carefully on one
of the wing-backed chairs..."
855
00:45:04,542 --> 00:45:07,792
(LAUGHING) Yes.
COOPER: That's another drink, isn't it?
856
00:45:08,417 --> 00:45:12,624
"...sitting around the edge of
the recently vacuumed room."
857
00:45:12,625 --> 00:45:15,625
(LAUGHING)
COOPER: Yeah.
858
00:45:16,375 --> 00:45:17,666
(MORTON STAMMERS)
859
00:45:17,667 --> 00:45:23,749
"He then... took care...
to sit on his socks..."
860
00:45:23,750 --> 00:45:28,124
(LAUGHING)
"...so as to not..."
861
00:45:28,125 --> 00:45:31,417
Oh, God,
I don't like it when you pause.
862
00:45:32,083 --> 00:45:35,040
"...soil the soft furnishings."
LEVINE: Oh...
863
00:45:35,041 --> 00:45:36,749
(AUDIENCE GROANS)
864
00:45:36,750 --> 00:45:40,666
LEVINE: Mm. Mm-mm, mm.
Has... Has Ken done a poo?
865
00:45:40,667 --> 00:45:42,958
(LAUGHTER)
866
00:45:42,959 --> 00:45:46,124
Sorry, because he's about to...
(MUMBLES) Shit himself,
867
00:45:46,125 --> 00:45:48,374
or he has... (MUMBLES) Shit himself?
(MUMBLES) I don't know.
868
00:45:48,375 --> 00:45:49,958
Okay, okay.
It doesn't say.
869
00:45:49,959 --> 00:45:51,457
It doesn't really matter, does it?
Really doesn't matter.
870
00:45:51,458 --> 00:45:53,416
It's a moot point.
Shit's coming either way.
871
00:45:53,417 --> 00:45:55,792
Right. Yep.
872
00:45:57,041 --> 00:46:00,874
"Des Martin, never one
to be caught out,
873
00:46:00,875 --> 00:46:05,833
immediately stripped down
to his black thong."
874
00:46:05,834 --> 00:46:08,332
(AUDIENCE CHEERING)
COOPER: Oh!
875
00:46:08,333 --> 00:46:11,457
I don't care how many times he
writes it, it's not catching on.
876
00:46:11,458 --> 00:46:14,082
Although, in the room tonight, I felt
like there was a lot of support for that.
877
00:46:14,083 --> 00:46:18,208
Let's say 80 percent of the men
are wearing black thongs tonight.
878
00:46:19,709 --> 00:46:24,208
"Natasha thought the session
was going rather well."
879
00:46:24,667 --> 00:46:26,875
What was the criteria?
880
00:46:27,542 --> 00:46:29,833
"Belinda was delighted."
881
00:46:29,834 --> 00:46:31,749
(LAUGHTER)
882
00:46:31,750 --> 00:46:34,875
"Dave Wilcox was confused."
883
00:46:35,000 --> 00:46:37,000
(LAUGHTER)
884
00:46:37,542 --> 00:46:42,541
"But he promptly stripped off,
for he was a businessman."
885
00:46:42,542 --> 00:46:44,416
(LAUGHTER)
886
00:46:44,417 --> 00:46:48,750
And that's what they do, is it?
Yeah. I guess.
887
00:46:49,375 --> 00:46:52,207
"Natasha's
fuckably-shaped breasts..."
888
00:46:52,208 --> 00:46:54,290
(LAUGHTER)
COOPER: Aah?
889
00:46:54,291 --> 00:46:57,874
Don't answer this, either of you.
Just think about it.
890
00:46:57,875 --> 00:47:00,290
What shape are they?
891
00:47:00,291 --> 00:47:02,708
What shape is
a fuckably-shaped breast?
892
00:47:02,709 --> 00:47:05,207
Is it like, a...
Don't answer it.
893
00:47:05,208 --> 00:47:07,124
(LAUGHTER)
894
00:47:07,125 --> 00:47:09,708
"Natasha's
fuckably-shaped breasts
895
00:47:09,709 --> 00:47:12,582
"echoed..."
(LAUGHTER)
896
00:47:12,583 --> 00:47:14,541
Ga-doon, Ga-doon,
Ga-doon, Ga-doon...
897
00:47:14,542 --> 00:47:16,708
Like one of those,
you know, those exec toys,
898
00:47:16,709 --> 00:47:19,791
that people have on their desks?
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
899
00:47:19,792 --> 00:47:22,249
(LAUGHTER)
900
00:47:22,250 --> 00:47:27,207
"Natasha's fuckably-shaped
breasts echoed the maturity
901
00:47:27,208 --> 00:47:30,582
"of her tanned, rounded body,
902
00:47:30,583 --> 00:47:34,458
and good, sturdy legs."
903
00:47:36,041 --> 00:47:38,999
Sturdy legs, as well?
MORTON: Yeah.
904
00:47:39,000 --> 00:47:41,082
Is that sexy? Sturdy legs?
Sturdy legs.
905
00:47:41,083 --> 00:47:45,083
Do you look at somebody like, "Ooh,
I bet she can stand up for hours."
906
00:47:46,375 --> 00:47:49,583
She doesn't look like she needs a chair.
(LAUGHTER)
907
00:47:51,750 --> 00:47:56,416
"It was all too much
for Des Martin.
908
00:47:56,417 --> 00:47:58,958
"He simply had to have Belinda,
909
00:47:58,959 --> 00:48:01,749
team building session or no."
910
00:48:01,750 --> 00:48:04,374
(LAUGHTER)
911
00:48:04,375 --> 00:48:08,958
"He reached over and pulled
down the boss's knickers."
912
00:48:08,959 --> 00:48:11,457
(LAUGHING)
913
00:48:11,458 --> 00:48:13,290
I just like that
as a turn of phrase.
914
00:48:13,291 --> 00:48:16,250
"You think you're
the boss's knickers, don't you."
915
00:48:16,959 --> 00:48:20,708
Everyone in the room
gasped at his cheek."
916
00:48:20,709 --> 00:48:21,999
(ALL GASPING)
917
00:48:22,000 --> 00:48:25,499
LEVINE: Very good.
"And they waited.
918
00:48:25,500 --> 00:48:29,000
Boy, did they wait"
919
00:48:29,625 --> 00:48:34,959
for the slap on the face
he so truly deserved."
920
00:48:36,667 --> 00:48:39,457
"It never came."
(LAUGHTER)
921
00:48:39,458 --> 00:48:41,708
Is there no justice?
922
00:48:41,709 --> 00:48:45,124
"Belinda turned 'round
923
00:48:45,125 --> 00:48:48,499
"and kissed Des Martin..."
LEVINE: Aw.
924
00:48:48,500 --> 00:48:50,416
"...deeply..."
COOPER: That's nice.
925
00:48:50,417 --> 00:48:54,041
"...on his cock."
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
926
00:49:02,834 --> 00:49:05,749
LEVINE: That's really cool.
COOPER: That's really cool.
927
00:49:05,750 --> 00:49:08,124
That's cool. That's the
coolest thing I've ever heard.
928
00:49:08,125 --> 00:49:10,041
Isn't that
the coolest thing ever?
929
00:49:10,750 --> 00:49:14,165
How... How do you kiss
someone deeply on the cock?
930
00:49:14,166 --> 00:49:17,333
You tell me.
(LAUGHING)
931
00:49:18,500 --> 00:49:22,374
Tongue down the urethra? I don't know...
Oh, you're gonna answer?
932
00:49:22,375 --> 00:49:23,666
(AUDIENCE GROANS)
933
00:49:23,667 --> 00:49:25,874
You just... Wow.
It's a guess!
934
00:49:25,875 --> 00:49:29,165
That is the most Rocky thing
you've ever said. (LAUGHING)
935
00:49:29,166 --> 00:49:32,374
You answered so quickly.
Why didn't you give it a beat?
936
00:49:32,375 --> 00:49:35,999
LEVINE: Pretend you've just
thought of it. Here's what I like:
937
00:49:36,000 --> 00:49:38,333
"Tongue down the urethra."
938
00:49:39,500 --> 00:49:41,499
What a perfect
impression of me.
939
00:49:41,500 --> 00:49:44,207
"Here's what I like.
Tongue down urethra."
940
00:49:44,208 --> 00:49:45,874
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
941
00:49:45,875 --> 00:49:49,749
"She opened her mouth wide
and took him in."
942
00:49:49,750 --> 00:49:52,040
Oh!
COOPER: Took him in?
943
00:49:52,041 --> 00:49:55,207
That's... "Are you cold?"
(LAUGHING)
944
00:49:55,208 --> 00:49:58,207
"Come on. Do you need somewhere
to stay for the night?"
945
00:49:58,208 --> 00:50:01,750
Stop pointing so much.
We can find it. Thank you.
946
00:50:03,834 --> 00:50:06,916
"...opened her mouth wide
and took him in,
947
00:50:06,917 --> 00:50:09,666
"in one gulp."
Oh, my God.
948
00:50:09,667 --> 00:50:14,917
Has she swallowed his cock? She's,
like, shucked him back like an oyster.
949
00:50:17,208 --> 00:50:19,791
"Des Martin screamed."
950
00:50:19,792 --> 00:50:22,416
COOPER: I'll bet he did.
LEVINE: "I'm not surprised."
951
00:50:22,417 --> 00:50:23,750
"Where's my cock?"
952
00:50:26,500 --> 00:50:30,499
"I had it this morning."
(LAUGHING)
953
00:50:30,500 --> 00:50:33,582
Oh, my God.
Oh, hang on. Sorry. No.
954
00:50:33,583 --> 00:50:37,666
I read it wrong... ish.
955
00:50:37,667 --> 00:50:42,624
"Des Martin screamed
in ecstasy."
956
00:50:42,625 --> 00:50:46,290
COOPER: Oh. Okay. No, I beg to differ.
I don't think he did.
957
00:50:46,291 --> 00:50:48,125
That sounds aw...
It sounds horrific.
958
00:50:49,709 --> 00:50:52,125
"And..." Fuck.
959
00:50:53,291 --> 00:50:55,583
"...white...
960
00:50:56,166 --> 00:50:59,458
"...semen..."
(AUDIENCE GROANS)
961
00:51:01,291 --> 00:51:05,791
"...dribbled down
Belinda's throat."
962
00:51:05,792 --> 00:51:07,834
(AUDIENCE GROANING)
963
00:51:08,834 --> 00:51:11,166
Eww-agh! Okay.
964
00:51:13,625 --> 00:51:15,959
(GIGGLES)
Oh, God.
965
00:51:18,959 --> 00:51:21,834
(AUDIENCE CHEERING)
966
00:51:23,875 --> 00:51:26,207
(CACKLING)
LEVINE: Would it be...?
967
00:51:26,208 --> 00:51:29,165
I'm literally,
I'm... I'm a wreck.
968
00:51:29,166 --> 00:51:32,040
I'm a wreck of a man.
969
00:51:32,041 --> 00:51:34,833
LEVINE: Your dad... Yeah.
(SHOUTING) I know!
970
00:51:34,834 --> 00:51:38,165
No, you know. You know. You know.
I don't need to say it. You know, so...
971
00:51:38,166 --> 00:51:40,374
COOPER: God.
Is it...
972
00:51:40,375 --> 00:51:43,999
a bad time to just ask you to reread the
last line... just recap the last line?
973
00:51:44,000 --> 00:51:47,542
Really? I can't remember
the exact wording of the...
974
00:51:48,583 --> 00:51:50,166
Okay, fine.
975
00:51:51,208 --> 00:51:53,833
"Des Martin screamed
in ecstasy
976
00:51:53,834 --> 00:51:57,374
as white semen dribbled down
Belinda's throat."
977
00:51:57,375 --> 00:52:00,499
Mm. It's no better
on second hearing.
978
00:52:00,500 --> 00:52:03,040
I thought
it might have mellowed.
979
00:52:03,041 --> 00:52:07,999
"Patrick O' Hamlin
could wait no longer.
980
00:52:08,000 --> 00:52:11,542
With a mighty leap and a bound,
he cleared the table..."
981
00:52:13,542 --> 00:52:14,874
Spiderman.
982
00:52:14,875 --> 00:52:18,999
"...catching Natasha
by the breasts."
983
00:52:19,000 --> 00:52:21,374
She's not a climbing wall!
984
00:52:21,375 --> 00:52:26,040
"He threw her onto the
exquisitely laid parquet floors."
985
00:52:26,041 --> 00:52:28,416
(LAUGHING)
986
00:52:28,417 --> 00:52:32,165
"There, writhing
in expectation,
987
00:52:32,166 --> 00:52:36,249
"Patrick O'Hamlin entered her
vagina and tickled her labia."
988
00:52:36,250 --> 00:52:37,874
(LAUGHTER)
989
00:52:37,875 --> 00:52:39,666
He "entered her."
990
00:52:39,667 --> 00:52:42,040
It sounds like
he kind of went, like...
991
00:52:42,041 --> 00:52:44,499
with one of those
head torches on.
992
00:52:44,500 --> 00:52:46,624
Yep. Yep.
Good in here.
993
00:52:46,625 --> 00:52:49,708
If you knock that down,
that's... that's the partition.
994
00:52:49,709 --> 00:52:51,874
That pelvic floor,
that can come up.
995
00:52:51,875 --> 00:52:53,207
(LAUGHTER)
996
00:52:53,208 --> 00:52:56,582
"Natasha opened her legs wider."
997
00:52:56,583 --> 00:52:59,249
Well, she'd have to. There's a whole
man up there, doing... (LAUGHING)
998
00:52:59,250 --> 00:53:02,249
...quite an extensive
renovation.
999
00:53:02,250 --> 00:53:08,416
- "And pulled Patrick even deeper into her rampant body."
- LEVINE: Oh, shit!
1000
00:53:08,417 --> 00:53:12,250
So it's just a pair of shoes?
Like this. Yeah.
1001
00:53:14,750 --> 00:53:18,082
"Meanwhile..."
(LAUGHING)
1002
00:53:18,083 --> 00:53:22,249
Back at the office...
"Meanwhile..."
1003
00:53:22,250 --> 00:53:24,916
"Des Martin returned
Belinda's mouth
1004
00:53:24,917 --> 00:53:29,040
to his now reinvigorated penis."
COOPER: Oh, lovely.
1005
00:53:29,041 --> 00:53:32,499
"And started to screw her
politely.
1006
00:53:32,500 --> 00:53:35,667
(LAUGHING)
1007
00:53:36,959 --> 00:53:40,834
Oh, no, please.
After you. May I?
1008
00:53:42,083 --> 00:53:46,083
"Ken Dewsbury had set about
entering Belinda,
1009
00:53:46,792 --> 00:53:49,666
and he started to fuck her
with gusto."
1010
00:53:49,667 --> 00:53:51,999
LEVINE: Oh...
COOPER: Gusto?
1011
00:53:52,000 --> 00:53:55,749
Is that, like...
♪ Ba-da-da dah! ♪
1012
00:53:55,750 --> 00:53:58,624
No, that's pizzazz.
Oh. (LAUGHS)
1013
00:53:58,625 --> 00:54:00,833
Gusto, Pizzazz.
There's a fine line.
1014
00:54:00,834 --> 00:54:03,166
You do always
get them confused.
1015
00:54:04,917 --> 00:54:08,874
"This all left an ever so
bewildered Dave Wilcox,
1016
00:54:08,875 --> 00:54:13,082
- who quickly squatted on Natasha's face..."
- LEVINE: Oh, my God.
1017
00:54:13,083 --> 00:54:18,582
Don't do it quickly. No. That's a
thing to take your time over, isn't it?
1018
00:54:18,583 --> 00:54:21,291
She'll have
two black eyes. Aah!
1019
00:54:22,083 --> 00:54:25,041
Just like a... boom!
Ooh!
1020
00:54:26,208 --> 00:54:30,207
"...enabling her
to chew his testicles."
1021
00:54:30,208 --> 00:54:33,290
(AUDIENCE GROANING)
1022
00:54:33,291 --> 00:54:37,333
This is really rough.
This is horrible, horrible...
1023
00:54:37,709 --> 00:54:41,999
I don't want to speak for the
male experience, but I'm gonna...
1024
00:54:42,000 --> 00:54:46,332
Look at James! He's like,
protecting himself.
1025
00:54:46,333 --> 00:54:49,833
Using your teeth
to chew on a testicle,
1026
00:54:49,834 --> 00:54:52,165
I'm just gonna say that might hurt.
It's not advisable, yeah.
1027
00:54:52,166 --> 00:54:56,374
It'd be like biting into a pickled
onion, wouldn't it? (AUDIENCE GROANING)
1028
00:54:56,375 --> 00:54:58,040
MORTON: Oh, my God.
LEVINE: Why?
1029
00:54:58,041 --> 00:55:00,582
Why so vinegary?
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
1030
00:55:00,583 --> 00:55:04,207
Not the taste.
The texture, you loon!
1031
00:55:04,208 --> 00:55:10,916
"He growled in pleasure..."
He didn't. He just didn't.
1032
00:55:10,917 --> 00:55:14,874
"...waiting for Patrick O'Hamlin
to drain himself."
1033
00:55:14,875 --> 00:55:16,374
(AUDIENCE GROANS)
1034
00:55:16,375 --> 00:55:18,874
I've never been
more upset by a verb.
1035
00:55:18,875 --> 00:55:21,666
(LAUGHTER)
MORTON: That's disgusting, isn't it?
1036
00:55:21,667 --> 00:55:25,000
Draining himself into,
like, a husk.
1037
00:55:26,625 --> 00:55:30,541
"...waiting for Patrick O'Hamlin
to drain himself..."
1038
00:55:30,542 --> 00:55:32,874
Stop saying,
"To drain himself."
1039
00:55:32,875 --> 00:55:36,917
"...so he could release his
big, throbbing cock into..."
1040
00:55:37,041 --> 00:55:42,208
Into the wild.
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
1041
00:55:43,166 --> 00:55:45,999
Be free!
Actual Free Willy.
1042
00:55:46,000 --> 00:55:48,749
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
Oh, my God!
1043
00:55:48,750 --> 00:55:51,082
(CHEERING)
1044
00:55:51,083 --> 00:55:54,082
COOPER: Very good. Very good.
MORTON: That's good.
1045
00:55:54,083 --> 00:55:57,750
It's a very different film.
(LAUGHING)
1046
00:55:58,917 --> 00:56:03,541
"...so he could fully release
his big, throbbing cock
1047
00:56:03,542 --> 00:56:06,708
into Natasha's
womanly creases."
1048
00:56:06,709 --> 00:56:09,791
(COOPER CACKLING)
1049
00:56:09,792 --> 00:56:12,040
Womanly creases?
1050
00:56:12,041 --> 00:56:15,416
That's actually quite good.
COOPER: Is it?
1051
00:56:15,417 --> 00:56:20,000
Sounds like he's jizzed in her
back fat or something. Oh, James!
1052
00:56:22,583 --> 00:56:25,750
Oh, thank you.
(LAUGHING)
1053
00:56:26,291 --> 00:56:30,291
MORTON: Oh, my God.
Thank you for draining yourself.
1054
00:56:31,125 --> 00:56:37,625
LEVINE: Oh, my God. "Jizzed in her back
fat." Wow. That is quite the image.
1055
00:56:39,166 --> 00:56:42,583
"Belinda Blumenthal...
1056
00:56:43,458 --> 00:56:49,165
"plopped Des Martin's
floppy phallus
1057
00:56:49,166 --> 00:56:53,959
out of her jaws."
(LAUGHING)
1058
00:56:57,458 --> 00:57:01,165
How many people can honestly
say they're not turned on?
1059
00:57:01,166 --> 00:57:03,999
I think you'd find it hard,
if you were being completely honest.
1060
00:57:04,000 --> 00:57:07,333
COOPER: Oh, my God. I don't think I'm
ever gonna have an erection again.
1061
00:57:08,917 --> 00:57:12,874
So, "Belinda Blumenthal
plopped..." Plopped?
1062
00:57:12,875 --> 00:57:15,249
Plopped! It wasn't even flopped.
Plopped.
1063
00:57:15,250 --> 00:57:18,666
"...Des Martin's floppy
phallus out of her jaws
1064
00:57:18,667 --> 00:57:21,959
"as she watched her
knackered colleagues."
1065
00:57:24,166 --> 00:57:26,249
"Her mind got in touch..."
1066
00:57:26,250 --> 00:57:30,166
(ALL LAUGHING)
Yes!
1067
00:57:31,000 --> 00:57:34,624
Hiya!
(LAUGHING)
1068
00:57:34,625 --> 00:57:40,375
"Her mind got in touch to say,
'Eighteen grand well spent.'"
1069
00:57:41,667 --> 00:57:43,666
Eighteen grand?
MORTON: Yeah.
1070
00:57:43,667 --> 00:57:45,791
That's the most disgusting
part of this whole chapter.
1071
00:57:45,792 --> 00:57:49,499
This whole...
I mean, car crash.
1072
00:57:49,500 --> 00:57:52,457
Eighteen grand on what? On some dice?
MORTON: Eighteen grand.
1073
00:57:52,458 --> 00:57:54,374
Mainly the cleanup,
I imagine.
1074
00:57:54,375 --> 00:57:57,624
They had to just burn
the whole thing down.
1075
00:57:57,625 --> 00:58:00,833
Getting shit out of upholstery is...
is difficult.
1076
00:58:00,834 --> 00:58:04,833
So... so I've heard.
(ALL LAUGHING)
1077
00:58:04,834 --> 00:58:08,166
Anecdotally.
(LAUGHTER)
1078
00:58:09,834 --> 00:58:12,374
Everyone?
COOPER: What?
1079
00:58:12,375 --> 00:58:14,457
"Belinda blinked."
LEVINE: Yes!
1080
00:58:14,458 --> 00:58:17,917
COOPER: Ah!
(APPLAUSE, CHEERS)
1081
00:58:19,291 --> 00:58:23,040
And that, thank fuck...
1082
00:58:23,041 --> 00:58:24,457
(LAUGHTER)
1083
00:58:24,458 --> 00:58:28,916
is the end of the chapter.
COOPER: Aw!
1084
00:58:28,917 --> 00:58:31,750
(AUDIENCE CHEERING, WHISTLING)
1085
00:58:33,750 --> 00:58:35,250
LEVINE: Good effort.
1086
00:58:37,917 --> 00:58:39,791
Wow.
1087
00:58:39,792 --> 00:58:43,208
(CHEERING, WHISTLING)
1088
00:58:47,458 --> 00:58:50,416
So, really, there's only
one thing left to do.
1089
00:58:50,417 --> 00:58:53,958
Um, and that's thank the man...
the mystery.
1090
00:58:53,959 --> 00:58:56,791
The monster.
Yes.
1091
00:58:56,792 --> 00:59:01,249
My dad.
(AUDIENCE CHEERING)
1092
00:59:01,250 --> 00:59:03,750
Please, guys.
Be upstanding...
1093
00:59:06,917 --> 00:59:10,958
...to the great
Rocky Flintstone!
1094
00:59:10,959 --> 00:59:14,624
To Rocky Flintstone.
To Rocky Flintstone. Cheers.
1095
00:59:14,625 --> 00:59:18,499
To Rocky. To Rocky.
Cheers. Cheers.
1096
00:59:18,500 --> 00:59:20,625
Cheers.
Cheers.
1097
00:59:21,000 --> 00:59:25,082
Thank you guys so, so much for
coming out! You've been amazing!
1098
00:59:25,083 --> 00:59:29,791
We have been My Dad Wrote a Porno.
You have all been perverts.
1099
00:59:29,792 --> 00:59:32,124
Thank you, and good night.
1100
00:59:32,125 --> 00:59:35,749
(AUDIENCE CHEERING, WHISTLING)
COOPER: Woo!
1101
00:59:35,750 --> 00:59:39,959
(PORN GROOVE MUSIC PLAYING)
1102
01:00:05,000 --> 01:00:07,041
(MUSIC PLAYING)
89290
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