Would you like to inspect the original subtitles? These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated:
1
00:01:17,750 --> 00:01:19,945
Hey, Mom. What you doing?
2
00:01:20,150 --> 00:01:24,143
I'm looking through the Valentines I've
gotten from your father over the years.
3
00:01:24,390 --> 00:01:27,507
He was really
quite the romantic in his day.
4
00:01:29,550 --> 00:01:32,189
"I like coffeeI like tea
5
00:01:32,390 --> 00:01:34,620
I like youI like me"
6
00:01:39,710 --> 00:01:41,826
He was really stuck on us.
7
00:01:43,350 --> 00:01:46,228
Oh, here's something
you don't see every day.
8
00:01:46,470 --> 00:01:49,303
What? A Valentine's for Bud?
9
00:01:50,950 --> 00:01:53,669
- Yes.
- Oh, wow.
10
00:01:54,350 --> 00:01:55,669
It's never even been opened.
11
00:01:55,870 --> 00:01:58,065
Well, hold it up to the light.
See who it's from.
12
00:01:58,270 --> 00:02:00,067
Oh, good idea.
13
00:02:09,670 --> 00:02:11,661
"Bernice Winchester."
14
00:02:11,870 --> 00:02:15,658
I remember this. Bernice gave it to me
and I was supposed to give it to Bud.
15
00:02:15,910 --> 00:02:18,822
- When?
- Six years ago.
16
00:02:19,470 --> 00:02:23,748
Well, you can just give it to him today,
unless he's gotten some new ones.
17
00:02:23,990 --> 00:02:27,300
Well, we'll know soon. I think
I hear him checking the mailbox now.
18
00:02:27,510 --> 00:02:29,148
Damn you!
19
00:02:29,830 --> 00:02:31,900
Damn you all!
20
00:02:32,110 --> 00:02:35,227
Damn the whole damned world!
21
00:02:36,150 --> 00:02:37,549
I'll give it to him today.
22
00:02:48,030 --> 00:02:50,260
I take it there's no mail.
23
00:02:50,510 --> 00:02:53,388
Well, actually,
you got a Valentine's Day card.
24
00:02:53,630 --> 00:02:55,063
Yeah, right.
25
00:02:55,310 --> 00:02:58,427
Bud, there really
is a card here for you.
26
00:02:58,950 --> 00:03:01,020
Really, Mommy? Really?
27
00:03:02,670 --> 00:03:05,138
It's not another one from Grandma?
28
00:03:06,590 --> 00:03:08,945
Or Buck?
29
00:03:11,590 --> 00:03:13,979
What? Dinner?
30
00:03:14,350 --> 00:03:16,739
No? Okay.
31
00:03:17,390 --> 00:03:19,904
Before you open it,
there's something I should tell you.
32
00:03:20,110 --> 00:03:23,864
Now, I was supposed to give this
to you six years ago, but I forgot.
33
00:03:24,070 --> 00:03:26,789
Well, because quite frankly,
you repulsed me.
34
00:03:28,670 --> 00:03:30,661
Come on, it's just a stupid
Valentine's card.
35
00:03:30,870 --> 00:03:33,509
It's not like you missed
a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity.
36
00:03:33,750 --> 00:03:37,106
"Dearest Bud, this is
a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity.
37
00:03:40,590 --> 00:03:45,141
My parents won't be home tonight
and I need you more than anything.
38
00:03:50,710 --> 00:03:54,066
Please don't stand me up.
It would destroy me.
39
00:03:54,270 --> 00:03:56,261
Love, Bernice Winchester."
40
00:03:58,110 --> 00:03:59,543
Kelly...
41
00:04:00,750 --> 00:04:02,900
...do you know
who Bernice Winchester is?
42
00:04:03,990 --> 00:04:07,585
Yeah. She's a girl we went
to school with who liked you...
43
00:04:07,830 --> 00:04:10,947
...and coincidentally got kicked
in the head a lot during soccer.
44
00:04:12,630 --> 00:04:15,508
Not quite, Miss Festival Seating.
45
00:04:18,270 --> 00:04:22,980
For your information, Bernice
Winchester is now Crystal Brooks.
46
00:04:23,470 --> 00:04:25,188
Crystal Brooks the pop star?
47
00:04:25,430 --> 00:04:26,943
And she likes our Bud?
48
00:04:28,550 --> 00:04:32,384
I mean, of course she likes our Bud.
49
00:04:32,590 --> 00:04:35,343
Who wouldn't? Bud sizzles.
50
00:04:37,990 --> 00:04:39,309
Well, I'm gonna find Crystal.
51
00:04:39,550 --> 00:04:42,303
I'm gonna find her
and tell her I never got her card.
52
00:04:46,790 --> 00:04:50,829
Peg, something weird's going on.
Daughters are going wild...
53
00:04:51,030 --> 00:04:55,182
...men are openly weeping and women
are storing chocolate in their cheeks.
54
00:04:55,670 --> 00:04:57,467
Is it winter?
55
00:04:58,750 --> 00:05:01,025
Al, do you know
what day it is today?
56
00:05:02,230 --> 00:05:05,427
Well, sure I do.
It's-- It's our anniversary.
57
00:05:06,510 --> 00:05:10,628
It's Valentine's Day.
I take it you got me nothing.
58
00:05:10,910 --> 00:05:13,140
Come on, Peg,
I knew it was Valentine's Day.
59
00:05:13,350 --> 00:05:16,467
I got you something right here.
60
00:05:16,910 --> 00:05:18,263
I got you this here dollar.
61
00:05:18,470 --> 00:05:22,179
Now, this dollar
is a special dollar, Peg...
62
00:05:22,430 --> 00:05:27,265
...because, if you see,
the serial number ends in a... D.
63
00:05:27,470 --> 00:05:32,260
D means "Happy Valentine's Day."
64
00:05:40,390 --> 00:05:42,745
"Day," Peg.
65
00:05:43,670 --> 00:05:47,504
You stink, Al. Stink.
66
00:05:48,790 --> 00:05:50,940
It's the smell of fear, Peg.
67
00:05:51,590 --> 00:05:54,741
Come on, honey.
You were so romantic in high school.
68
00:05:54,950 --> 00:05:56,429
Why, just look at this.
69
00:05:58,750 --> 00:06:02,743
"I love your hooters, I love your ass,What say we meet after class?"
70
00:06:07,390 --> 00:06:11,019
I was the silver-tongued devil,
wasn't I?
71
00:06:12,750 --> 00:06:14,422
I want you to be like that again.
72
00:06:14,670 --> 00:06:18,265
Well, Peg,
I want you to be like that again.
73
00:06:19,190 --> 00:06:21,385
- Oh, never mind.
- What's the matter, Peg?
74
00:06:21,590 --> 00:06:23,706
- I want romance.
- Well, what is romance?
75
00:06:23,910 --> 00:06:25,309
You figure it out.
76
00:06:25,550 --> 00:06:27,268
That takes me back
to the honeymoon.
77
00:06:28,390 --> 00:06:31,621
Don't tell me what's romantic.
I know what's romantic.
78
00:06:31,870 --> 00:06:33,269
Kelly, what's romantic?
79
00:06:33,510 --> 00:06:38,425
Daddy, you know. Women like candy
and flowers and cards.
80
00:06:38,630 --> 00:06:40,666
Not with some naked fat chick
on it going:
81
00:06:40,870 --> 00:06:42,986
"I know it's around here somewhere."
82
00:06:43,630 --> 00:06:45,746
I like that one.
83
00:06:46,670 --> 00:06:51,790
Daddy, it's Valentine's Day. Women
like men to be sweet and sensitive.
84
00:06:52,470 --> 00:06:56,543
Whoa, babe, your knobs look huge.
85
00:06:57,870 --> 00:07:01,499
- You ready?
- Yes, and don't call me "babe."
86
00:07:01,910 --> 00:07:05,061
Daddy, this is my Valentine's date,
Mayhem.
87
00:07:05,550 --> 00:07:07,268
Charmed.
88
00:07:09,110 --> 00:07:10,509
Bye.
89
00:07:19,470 --> 00:07:21,859
Oh, to be young and free.
90
00:07:22,110 --> 00:07:25,500
What the hell?
I'm good-looking and kept.
91
00:07:25,750 --> 00:07:28,105
Oh, Jefferson, you Judas.
92
00:07:28,310 --> 00:07:30,426
You knew the beast of all holidays
was upon us.
93
00:07:30,630 --> 00:07:33,861
Now where can I go
get some Valentine Day crap?
94
00:07:34,510 --> 00:07:39,948
Look, Al, it's 7:30 on Valentine's Day.
The malls are picked clean.
95
00:07:40,150 --> 00:07:42,220
- Hey, Mr. D'Arcy.
- Hey, Bud.
96
00:07:42,430 --> 00:07:44,546
You tell Kelly
I found Crystal Brooks.
97
00:07:44,750 --> 00:07:47,548
She's performing here
and she's staying at the Emperor Hotel.
98
00:07:47,790 --> 00:07:49,985
I'm gonna go see her
and set things straight.
99
00:07:50,190 --> 00:07:52,863
"Ha, ha, witchy woman. Bite me."
100
00:07:54,830 --> 00:07:56,422
Did you get that?
101
00:07:56,630 --> 00:07:59,588
Yeah. He wants Emperor Crystal
to bite him.
102
00:08:00,270 --> 00:08:01,988
Anyway, Al,
here's what you better do.
103
00:08:02,190 --> 00:08:04,101
You better get thee
to the Valentine store.
104
00:08:04,350 --> 00:08:06,068
Good idea.
105
00:08:15,990 --> 00:08:19,027
What's a Valentine store?
106
00:08:20,350 --> 00:08:23,581
Well, it's a specialty shop
that caters to rogue husbands like you.
107
00:08:23,790 --> 00:08:25,781
It's a little more expensive.
Their motto is:
108
00:08:25,990 --> 00:08:28,948
"You're so desperate,
we don't need a motto."
109
00:08:29,830 --> 00:08:33,823
Well, next time you ought to think
and shop ahead like me.
110
00:08:55,790 --> 00:08:58,862
Good day.
Good day, my good man.
111
00:08:59,270 --> 00:09:01,579
Would you be so kind
as to tell Miss Brooks...
112
00:09:01,790 --> 00:09:04,304
...that Bud Bundy's here at last?
Here at last.
113
00:09:04,510 --> 00:09:07,547
Thank God Almighty,
he's here at last.
114
00:09:12,870 --> 00:09:15,100
Well, I see someone's
Hooked-on-Phonics tape...
115
00:09:15,310 --> 00:09:16,868
...was lost in the mail.
116
00:09:19,510 --> 00:09:21,262
No problem.
117
00:09:22,310 --> 00:09:27,509
You tell Miss Brooks
that Bud is here...
118
00:09:27,710 --> 00:09:30,508
...and there's a cool nickel in it
for you.
119
00:09:32,750 --> 00:09:33,944
Now what do you say?
120
00:09:57,710 --> 00:10:00,349
Hello again, my good man.
121
00:10:00,550 --> 00:10:02,780
I think perhaps you mistook me...
122
00:10:02,990 --> 00:10:05,584
...for either one of Miss Brook's
eager young groupies...
123
00:10:05,790 --> 00:10:07,906
...or something made by Wham-O.
124
00:10:08,630 --> 00:10:11,269
Now, if you'll notice...
125
00:10:11,470 --> 00:10:14,826
...I have here a handwritten card
from our Miss Brooks...
126
00:10:15,030 --> 00:10:18,022
...which should prove beyond a doubt,
not only do I know her...
127
00:10:18,230 --> 00:10:21,188
...but at one time
I could have even boinked her.
128
00:10:24,910 --> 00:10:26,548
Now...
129
00:10:27,350 --> 00:10:29,181
...you have three seconds
to announce me.
130
00:10:29,670 --> 00:10:32,184
It's Bud Bundy.
131
00:10:41,030 --> 00:10:47,424
I have here this last box
of 12 bite-size assorted chocolates.
132
00:10:48,990 --> 00:10:52,778
The opening bid is $25.
133
00:10:53,030 --> 00:10:54,827
Get a move on, Omar, it's after 9.
134
00:10:55,070 --> 00:10:58,506
In that case, the opening bid is $35.
135
00:10:59,190 --> 00:11:01,499
Thirty-five dollars.
136
00:11:01,750 --> 00:11:04,344
- Do I hear 45?
- Forty-five.
137
00:11:04,590 --> 00:11:07,423
- Fifty-five.
- Do I hear 65?
138
00:11:07,670 --> 00:11:09,501
Sixty-five.
139
00:11:09,910 --> 00:11:12,982
- Seventy-five!
- Do I hear 85?
140
00:11:13,270 --> 00:11:14,385
I'll go--
141
00:11:19,190 --> 00:11:22,227
Sold to the-- Shoe salesman?
142
00:11:23,590 --> 00:11:27,742
- Yes.
- For $75.
143
00:11:27,990 --> 00:11:32,427
I won! I won!
I bought chocolates for $75. Give me.
144
00:11:58,070 --> 00:12:00,789
Okay, Sasquatch...
145
00:12:01,950 --> 00:12:03,224
...it's checkout time.
146
00:12:08,390 --> 00:12:12,986
Oh, good, they sent
a cute one this time.
147
00:12:13,950 --> 00:12:15,269
What?
148
00:12:15,790 --> 00:12:19,544
Oh, for the love of God, no, no!
149
00:12:21,750 --> 00:12:24,662
Help me!
150
00:12:34,510 --> 00:12:38,139
Mommy!
151
00:12:43,150 --> 00:12:47,189
Now serving number 2009.
152
00:12:47,430 --> 00:12:48,783
That's mine.
153
00:12:49,590 --> 00:12:53,026
I'd like one dozen red roses.
154
00:12:53,270 --> 00:12:56,819
One bouquet of wallet breakers.
155
00:13:00,350 --> 00:13:03,262
Okay, sir,
now, how do you intend to pay?
156
00:13:03,510 --> 00:13:06,468
Cash, check or deed to your house?
157
00:13:07,310 --> 00:13:08,425
Do you take blood?
158
00:13:16,350 --> 00:13:18,466
What can I get for 50 bucks?
159
00:13:33,350 --> 00:13:35,784
Now I know how Tom Arnold feels.
160
00:13:41,070 --> 00:13:45,382
Well, it's about time you got here.
You must walk my Winky.
161
00:13:46,350 --> 00:13:50,309
I'm not your bellhop.
You can walk your own Winky.
162
00:13:51,030 --> 00:13:54,386
Pay you $50.
Here, Winky. Here, boy.
163
00:14:06,230 --> 00:14:08,300
Whoa, boy!
164
00:14:08,550 --> 00:14:10,063
Winky!
165
00:15:37,790 --> 00:15:41,066
This is a good hotel.
166
00:15:48,030 --> 00:15:50,988
Mommy!
167
00:16:01,630 --> 00:16:03,188
Hi there.
168
00:16:03,390 --> 00:16:05,506
It's me. Bud Bundy.
169
00:16:06,950 --> 00:16:08,668
Well, I guess
you don't recognize me...
170
00:16:08,870 --> 00:16:11,748
...because I bulked up a little
since the last time you saw me.
171
00:16:14,470 --> 00:16:16,506
Let me refresh your memory.
172
00:16:16,710 --> 00:16:19,782
Six years ago,
you sent me a touching Valentine...
173
00:16:19,990 --> 00:16:22,060
...which I never received until today.
174
00:16:22,270 --> 00:16:25,387
Now, I know we can never be lovers.
175
00:16:28,270 --> 00:16:33,264
Look, if it's any consolation at all,
I would have come over that night...
176
00:16:33,470 --> 00:16:38,749
...and we would have made beautiful,
passionate, hot monkey love.
177
00:16:42,110 --> 00:16:45,341
Crystal, someone's here to see you.
178
00:16:52,310 --> 00:16:53,789
Hi there.
179
00:16:53,990 --> 00:16:56,550
It's me. Bud Bundy.
180
00:16:57,070 --> 00:16:59,459
- I guess you don't recognize me--
- I heard you, Bud.
181
00:16:59,670 --> 00:17:02,662
That was a long time ago.
I've moved on.
182
00:17:03,870 --> 00:17:05,986
Well, so have I.
183
00:17:06,190 --> 00:17:08,579
There are plenty of women
in my life too.
184
00:17:08,790 --> 00:17:12,624
Just five minutes ago,
I had group sex.
185
00:17:15,910 --> 00:17:19,698
Look, I just came to apologize.
186
00:17:20,990 --> 00:17:23,584
I guess there's nothing else to say.
187
00:17:23,910 --> 00:17:25,263
Good luck with your career.
188
00:17:25,470 --> 00:17:27,540
I'm going to college myself...
189
00:17:27,790 --> 00:17:30,543
...unlike people
who go to college together.
190
00:17:31,870 --> 00:17:33,223
No chance on that lover thing?
191
00:17:34,590 --> 00:17:35,579
Sorry.
192
00:17:38,870 --> 00:17:40,781
I guess I'll see you, huh?
193
00:17:42,510 --> 00:17:45,547
Don't bother. I'll throw myself out.
194
00:17:46,310 --> 00:17:48,346
Well, right behind you.
195
00:17:51,190 --> 00:17:53,909
Oh, so what if Al forgot
Valentine's Day?
196
00:17:54,110 --> 00:17:57,420
He's not an elephant. He's a pig.
197
00:17:58,150 --> 00:18:00,505
Besides, Valentine's Day
is degrading.
198
00:18:00,710 --> 00:18:04,020
It's just another commercial holiday
made up by Merlin Olsen...
199
00:18:04,230 --> 00:18:07,825
...and the Hershey candy mob
to fatten their wallets on our guilt.
200
00:18:08,030 --> 00:18:10,180
It's just disgusting.
201
00:18:10,630 --> 00:18:14,669
- Is Jefferson getting you anything?
- If he knows what's good for him.
202
00:18:15,390 --> 00:18:16,982
I would have gotten him something...
203
00:18:17,190 --> 00:18:19,465
...but I seem to have misplaced
my credit card.
204
00:18:22,750 --> 00:18:24,706
Happy Valentine's Day, honey.
205
00:18:24,950 --> 00:18:27,703
Oh, Jefferson.
206
00:18:28,630 --> 00:18:31,702
A crystal penguin.
207
00:18:32,150 --> 00:18:35,859
- Yeah.
- It's beautiful.
208
00:18:36,070 --> 00:18:37,298
Must have cost a fortune.
209
00:18:37,670 --> 00:18:40,423
Hey, price means nothing to me.
210
00:18:43,430 --> 00:18:47,105
Say, isn't that your credit card?
211
00:18:48,430 --> 00:18:53,026
Why, yes. Oh, this is my lucky day.
212
00:18:53,590 --> 00:18:58,789
Let's go home, honey, because I have
a special Valentine treat for you too.
213
00:19:04,030 --> 00:19:06,021
- What's that?
- Well, that all depends...
214
00:19:06,230 --> 00:19:09,779
...on whether or not this bird
was charged to my credit card.
215
00:19:11,310 --> 00:19:14,939
Marcie, it's not me, it's the voices.
They compel me.
216
00:19:22,390 --> 00:19:25,700
Kelly, I thought
you were out with Maytag.
217
00:19:26,630 --> 00:19:29,349
Mayhem. He was my 8:00 date.
218
00:19:29,590 --> 00:19:32,388
My real date is Pinworm.
He's picking me up at 11.
219
00:19:32,590 --> 00:19:35,024
Well, if he makes bail.
220
00:19:36,470 --> 00:19:38,301
Happy--
221
00:19:39,270 --> 00:19:40,988
What is it?
222
00:19:41,310 --> 00:19:42,868
Valentine's Day.
223
00:19:43,430 --> 00:19:46,979
Valentine's Day.
Here's your--
224
00:19:47,350 --> 00:19:49,261
Here's your candy.
225
00:19:50,390 --> 00:19:52,267
Here's your card.
226
00:19:53,310 --> 00:19:57,622
And if you get this in the ground
by spring, here's your flowers.
227
00:20:00,830 --> 00:20:03,390
Bean sprouts.
228
00:20:03,630 --> 00:20:06,702
Oh, Al, you're wonderful.
229
00:20:07,350 --> 00:20:09,739
You're a little slice of heaven
yourself.
230
00:20:09,950 --> 00:20:12,384
- Can I go now, Peg?
- Oh, let's go upstairs together.
231
00:20:12,590 --> 00:20:15,388
What? No, wait.
We had a deal. No sex.
232
00:20:15,590 --> 00:20:17,387
- That was on Easter.
- Well, what's this?
233
00:20:17,590 --> 00:20:20,388
- Valentine's.
- Oh, Peg!
234
00:20:28,070 --> 00:20:29,788
Hey, Bud.
235
00:20:29,990 --> 00:20:31,503
What happened with Crystal?
236
00:20:31,710 --> 00:20:36,545
Well, I apologized, she understood...
237
00:20:36,750 --> 00:20:40,902
...and then her bodyguard Skee-Balled
me the entire length of the building.
238
00:20:41,510 --> 00:20:44,866
I did, however,
meet a lovely woman named Rita.
239
00:20:45,710 --> 00:20:47,109
And I learned something.
240
00:20:47,310 --> 00:20:51,542
In space, no one really
can hear you scream.
241
00:20:53,670 --> 00:20:57,140
- Good night.
- Bud, I'm really sorry.
242
00:20:57,390 --> 00:21:01,144
If anyone gives me a love note for you
again, I promise I'll deliver it. Okay?
243
00:21:02,030 --> 00:21:05,022
You're not saying that
because you know I'll never get one?
244
00:21:16,990 --> 00:21:19,823
- Kelly? I'm Crystal Brooks.
- Oh, hi.
245
00:21:20,030 --> 00:21:22,100
- Is Bud here?
- Yeah, you want me to get him?
246
00:21:22,310 --> 00:21:23,948
No, I've gotta get to my concert.
247
00:21:24,150 --> 00:21:27,859
Howie Mandel opens for me
and the crowd hates it when I'm late.
248
00:21:28,070 --> 00:21:30,140
Would you please
give him this message?
249
00:21:30,350 --> 00:21:33,706
Tell him to meet me
at the hotel after the concert.
250
00:21:33,950 --> 00:21:35,178
- Okay.
- Please.
251
00:21:35,390 --> 00:21:37,950
- Don't worry. I will.
- If he stands me up this time...
252
00:21:38,150 --> 00:21:39,822
- ...he's had it.
- Okay. Bye.
253
00:21:40,470 --> 00:21:42,938
- Hey, Bud.
- Yeah?
254
00:21:43,150 --> 00:21:46,745
Whoa, babe,
your butt looks bitching.
255
00:21:51,990 --> 00:21:53,787
- You ready?
- Yeah.
256
00:21:54,030 --> 00:21:57,306
Wait. There's something
I was supposed to do.
257
00:21:58,310 --> 00:22:00,870
Oh, my coat.
258
00:22:01,350 --> 00:22:04,262
I would forget my head
if it wasn't attached to--
259
00:22:04,670 --> 00:22:07,980
Well, I forgot what it was attached to.
Let's go.
19681
Can't find what you're looking for?
Get subtitles in any language from opensubtitles.com, and translate them here.
Afrikaans
Albanian
Amharic
Arabic
Armenian
Azerbaijani
Basque
Belarusian
Bengali
Bosnian
Bulgarian
Catalan
Cebuano
Chichewa
Chinese (Simplified)
Chinese (Traditional)
Corsican
Croatian
Czech
Danish
English
Esperanto
Estonian
Finnish
French
Frisian
Galician
Georgian
German
Gujarati
Haitian Creole
Hawaiian
Hungarian
Icelandic
Indonesian
Irish
Italian
Japanese
Kazakh
Khmer
Korean
Kurdish (Kurmanji)
Kyrgyz
Lao
Latvian
Lithuanian
Luxembourgish
Macedonian
Malagasy
Malay
Maltese
Maori
Mongolian
Myanmar (Burmese)
Nepali
Norwegian
Pashto
Polish
Portuguese
Romanian
Russian
Samoan
Serbian
Sesotho
Shona
Sinhala
Slovak
Slovenian
Somali
Spanish
Swahili
Swedish
Tajik
Thai
Turkish
Ukrainian
Urdu
Uzbek
Vietnamese
