All language subtitles for 32.Pills.My.Sisters.Suicide.2017.1080p.WEBRip.x264-RARBG

[bright tone]

- Okay, this is Ruth Litoff's
photography

and a portrait of her sister.

Do you want to talk
about your sister?

- I love my sister very much.

She's probably
the most important person to me

in the world.

[melancholy music]

♪ ♪

- So...

What are your plans
for the storage space?

♪ ♪

- What do you mean?

- [laughs nervously] Um...

Are you gonna look
at the things?

When do you think
that you're gonna do that?

♪ ♪

- I don't like
to remember things,

and I feel like
all the memories are in there.

♪ ♪

Okay, we're gonna do it.

If I throw up on that lens,

are we covered?
- Yeah.

- [laughs]

♪ ♪

Are you worried that when I

start looking through
this stuff,

that I'm gonna go crazy?

- I worry that you think
you're gonna go crazy.

♪ ♪

- You know Jane got me a space
in Brooklyn for three months.

- That's good.

♪ ♪

- Hi, I'm Hope.
- Chris.

♪ ♪

- Everyone in my
suicide bereavement group

has a storage space
that they can't unpack

of their dead person.

- Are you the first person
to unpack her storage space?

- I'm gonna be the first one.

- Do you think that
this is gonna be helpful?

You feel compelled to do it?

- I feel compelled to do it.

- Clearing everything out?

- Yeah.

♪ ♪

It's been six years.

I feel like I've trapped her
in there...

♪ ♪

but I think
she's mad at me.

- Why?

- Because I was
a bad sister.

- How were you
a bad sister?

- You're kidding, right?

Not kidding?

- No. I-I-I don't see
how you were a bad sister.

- I didn't s--

- From my perspective, she was
not the greatest sister

in the world.

- But she was sick,
and I wasn't.

- Well, how were you
a bad sister?

- I didn't save her.

♪ ♪

[van beeping]

- I'll show you where it is.
- Okay.

- [laughs]

This hallway feels like
an insane asylum.

[ethereal music]

♪ ♪

♪ ♪

- In one of her
suicide notes, she said

she definitely wanted
her photographs

to be out in the world

being seen
and being enjoyed by people,

but I'm paralyzed.
I can't--

I can't give them up.

♪ ♪

I just need my moment
with all of it.

♪ ♪

Do you think that's the last--
- We decided one more trip.

- One more trip? Okay.

♪ ♪

Thank you.

♪ ♪

- I got everything.

- Kids, you have everything
you need?

- Mm-hmm.

- Ticket?
- Yeah.

- Wallet, cell phone,
everything you need?

- I got everything.

- I'm gonna miss you guys,
but I'm gonna come

in two days.

- Hug and a kiss. Let's go.

- I don't wanna...

[kissing]

- [chuckles]

- Okay.

Enough hugging and kissing.
Let's go.

- All right, don't be late.

- Bye.
- Bye.

I love you. Safe travels.
- I'll miss you.

- Love you guys.

Save some sand for me.

- Bye, bye, guys.
See you later.

- Bye.

- Stuff was very important
to Ruth.

I mean, everything was
important to her,

and that's why
she saved everything.

I think, if I can look at
what was important to her,

I could get some answers.

Ambien...

[faint string music]

Lamictal.

- How many times
did she try to kill herself?

- A lot.

Twenty?

♪ ♪

"Dear sir/madam,

"I'm writing to you
regarding Ruth Litoff,

"who's a patient of mine.

"Ruth Litoff experiences
severe mood swings,

"severe depression,

and profound
suicidal ideation."

♪ ♪

I would love to map out
what happened.

♪ ♪

I can't ask my parents,

because they're both dead.

♪ ♪

But I feel like Ruth's stuff
has clues in it.

♪ ♪

Do you see that piece
right there?

- Yeah.

- What's really special
about this

is this is the front...

but here's the secret message
to me.

The...

blowing of the bubbles, like,

maybe something we would do
as kids,

and then there's also sort of

foreshadowing of dying,

sort of when you would be
"forever dancing."

[melancholy string music]

Growing up with
a mentally ill person,

it was a little bit like
comedy and tragedy.

♪ ♪

It was such
a confusing illness,

because she could be
so debilitated

and so magnificent.

♪ ♪

When we were young,

I absolutely idolized her.

I wanted to be like her.

I wanted to dress like her.

I wanted to be able
to do art like her,

♪ ♪

She was the master
of everything,

and I was her assistant.

I would sort the Lego pieces

and then she would build
the castle.

And I was so young.
I was, like--

She could've been
a cult leader,

she was so charismatic.

We used to play
this really fun game

when my parents would go out.

She was three years older,
so she could babysit me,

and we would do everything

we weren't allowed to do
in the house,

which was not
that many things.

We would eat ice cream
in bed,

and every time the phone rang,

we would just pick it up

and scream into the receiver.

[laughs]

That was really fun.

♪ ♪

She taught me how to draw.

This was a huge deal.
She taught me

how to draw a profile,

and I was the only kid
in the class

who knew how to draw
a profile.

When she started
taking photographs

when we were really young,
my dad built her

a darkroom in the closet,

and she would stay in there
for hours

and she would print
the same photograph

over and over again,

and then she would show them
to me,

and it was almost
like a test--

which one of these
is the best one--

and I would really want to
get it right,

and then she would
explain to me

why this one was better
than this one,

and it was really cool.

It was really cool
to have a sister like that.

[unearthly
electric guitar music]

♪ ♪

In high school,

she was very popular.

She also had

a fabulous figure.

Captain of all
the sports teams.

I would sit on her feet

so she could do 100 sit-ups
every night.

- What was her title?
Like...

Like, she--
wasn't she, like, the best shot

in the United States
of America under 13

or something?
- The best shot in America

for 16 and under

with a .22 rifle.

She was always gonna be
the winner.

Whatever contest
or competition or art project,

she was going
to come in first.

♪ ♪

I mean, there wasn't anything
she couldn't do.

That's what makes it
so hard to understand.

♪ ♪

- I never really feel
pressure.

I never feel like
I have to do something

to prove myself.
I never have to prove myself.

But I think it would be
exciting,

I think, to start all over.

I sometimes wish I could just

wash the slate clean,

just start all over again.

- Oh, here it is.

[melancholy music]

I found her on

December 12, 2008.

♪ ♪

I got a call from
one of Ruth's best friends,

who said, "I haven't heard
from Ruth in three days,"

and I pretty much knew.

- I remember,
guys were walking down the hall

with axes to break
the door down.

♪ ♪

- [exhales deeply]

And then,
the police let us in.

♪ ♪

It sounds like
a strange thing to say,

but she had made it

as beautiful as one of
her photographs.

♪ ♪

I saw her shoulder.

I didn't want to look at
her face.

- I remember all of the
letters around.

- There were notes everywhere,

and she tried to remember
all the people she loved

and left them presents.

- There were Post-it notes
on things

saying what to do with them.

- The police officer
said to me,

"I've never seen anything
like this."

♪ ♪

And then, there was my note.

♪ ♪

It was...

loving,

kind,

even optimistic...

♪ ♪

and in very small handwriting,

off to the side,

she wrote "I know you know,"

and I have no idea
what that means.

♪ ♪

[sighs]

- Are you trying to find

some sort of objective truth

about, uh--

about what happened,
or her life?

I mean, is that
what you're looking for?

- Yes.

[melancholy guitar music]

♪ ♪

Why Ruth and not me?

Why was Ruth sick
and I wasn't sick?

We had the same parents.

♪ ♪

My dad was very, sort of,
1950s, "Mad Men."

You know, you work hard,
you play hard,

you're not that involved
with the children.

My mom really got
the brunt of it.

Lots of drama.

Whatever mood Ruth was in
was the mood

the whole family
was gonna be in.

The message,
very early on, was,

"Be on high alert,

"don't create any waves,

"don't upset your sister,

and don't make it worse."

♪ ♪

We looked perfect
on the outside,

but we were rotting
on the inside.

♪ ♪

I dealt with it

by disappearing

into drugs and alcohol.

Ruth dealt with it

by demanding more
and more and more,

and if she didn't get
what she wanted,

she would threaten
to kill herself.

♪ ♪

Her first attempt--

she was 16 and I was 13,

and she begged me
to sleep in bed with her.

♪ ♪

When we woke up,

I found out that she had
taken a bottle of pills.

♪ ♪

What if I woke up

and my big sister was dead?

We were in the same bed,
and I didn't know.

♪ ♪

Now that I've started
the project,

I don't sleep very well.

Thinking about my sister a lot.
Um...

I'm in a fight with my husband,

because he says
that I'm depressed,

but I think that I am

just grieving.

Think it's really hard
for him to understand.

He hasn't lost
a parent.

He even has
a great-grandparent in her 90s.

I feel like he hasn't
even lost a hamster.

I feel like
you enter a club

when one of your parents dies,

and until one of your parents
dies,

you don't know
what it's like,

but when you enter
the suicide club

it's a very...

small club,

elite club.

"Elite" sounds almost positive,

but I don't mean it that way.

I'm just--mean that...

Uh, I don't--

I don't know if
civilians can get it.

[door unlocks, clicks open]

- Have you just
been coming here alone?

- Yeah.

- Wow, it's really big.

Oh, my God.

- A lot of stuff, right?
- A lot of pills.

- Yeah.

- That's crazy.

- That's only from 1999
until she died in 2008.

- How old was she
when she killed herself?

- 42.

- Why would she
save them all?

- I think she wanted to--

I have two theories.
I think she wanted

to make an art project
out of them,

but I also think
she just wanted proof

as to how hard
she had been trying

to get well.

- And you did this?
- Yes.

- What pills are they?
What are they?

- Look at them.

Feel free.

- Ambien...

- That's a sleeping pill.

- Dextrostat...

- Lithium, I think,
is for bipolar disorder.

- Dex--more dextrostat.

You should get rid of
all of these immediately.

- Why do you think
I should get rid of them?

- Because I don't think
you should have

the temptation to take them.
- I'm not.

- This is just crazy.

- Right?

And none of these helped her.

- Zolpidem.

This is nuts.
- That's Ambien, too.

That's the generic name.

- Holy shit.

Just throw them all out.

- No, I can't throw them out.

This was her lifeline.

- But you...

Being sober for 16 years,

I'm just,
as your lifelong friend,

scared for your well-being.

- I'm not gonna take them.

- [sighs]

Let me help you,
however I can.

It's a lot of
beautiful artwork.

- They're incredible, right?
- Yeah.

I mean, I always remember
being blown away.

So there's stuff
from every series here?

- Yeah, and I don't know--

did you ever see the kids?

These are some of
her earliest works.

I believe she started them
when she was 17.

- Oh, my God.
- Look at these kids.

- Yeah, that's great.

So you don't know how she--
where she went

to take these pictures?

- She was brave.
She would walk

all over the city

and ask anyone
to take their photograph.

I mean, look at the portrait
of this kid...

- Yeah.

- It's almost like

you would want to say

he's on the verge of
losing his innocence,

but I would say
it's already lost.

I mean, I love this,
these two angry girls

with that huge smiley face.

- [laughs]

- "E.T. dies over overdose."

- That's... ironic.

- I mean, look how young
they are.

They're babies.

- [chuckles]

- I mean, look at those kids.

- Yeah.

[chuckles]
- Right?

- Yeah.

[eerie music]

♪ ♪

- It's very Molly Ringwald.

- Yeah.

♪ ♪

- She did so many
different styles.

♪ ♪

- You walk into
that apartment,

and it was like
a candy store of art.

I mean, her--
not only just her photographs

all over the place...

♪ ♪

but she'd make these--

she'd have the little drawings

and she'd make these
little tchotchke things

that she'd put all over
the place,

sad and searching...

- Very fragile.
- But also very inspiring

and uplifting
at the same time.

♪ ♪

- Come here.

- It's so impressive to me

that Ruth was able
to feel the pain

and continue to be creative.

Many times, she would
fall into

such a deep depression

that she would feel like
suicide was the only answer,

and then, when she woke up
in the hospital,

she felt much better,

and she was happy
she was alive.

♪ ♪

- [indistinct]

I can tell this one's
very delicate.

I think your sister
drew this.

Did she draw this?

- Mm-hmm.

- I will be very gentle
with it.

The sides of the pages
are yellow.

- What does that tell you?
- That it's very old.

- You really like that book?
- Yeah.

- Thank you.
- You're welcome, sweetie.

- [laughs]

- You can't go through
and read all of her journals.

- Why not?

- 'Cause that's just crazy.

- She left them for me
to read.

If she didn't want
anyone to read them,

she would have thrown them
away.

To tell you the truth,
I was so, like,

blacked out
for everything,

and she took
such precise notes

on what happened,

I'm finally looking
at what happened.

- And why are you wanting
to look now?

[somber music]

- Just want to
understand her more.

♪ ♪

[guitar and piano music]

♪ ♪

Do you know who made
this artwork right here?

- No.

- Do you want to know?
- Yeah.

- My sister.

- Uh-huh.

- Do you know her name?

- Ruth?
- Mm-hmm.

You know who made
that artwork right there?

- Ruth?

- You going to guess Ruth
for everything now?

- Yeah.
- [laughs]

- Who made this?
- Ruth.

And those pictures
are of my mother.

- And you.

- No, not me.

- You're over there.

- That's my mom in the window,
when she was a little girl.

[melancholy music]

♪ ♪

My mother was very afraid
of her own mother,

our grandmother,
who we never met,

and her name was Ruth,

and my mother
named her first daughter Ruth,

which is a traditional thing
to do.

Then I come along,
and she names me Hope.

I'm named after her father,

who she adored.

- When Ruthie was born,

she was a very demanding child,

very difficult child.

When you were born,

it was the total opposite.

Your mom had
a very hard time.

She had a very hard time,
and

I even recall
your mom telling me

about times when
she was taking her to the park,

and if she met a friend
in the street,

and wanted to stop and talk,

Ruthie would start to scream
and yell in the carriage.

Then mom would have to run.

Two different--completely
different--children from birth.

From birth.

♪ ♪

- And I remember
being a little kid,

not knowing anything
about mental illness,

or knowing that Ruth
was struggling

with any problems, and saying,

"Why does she
keep asking me if I love her?

I just told her yesterday."

She would ask me
over and over again,

and then she would often

give me these tests of love.

She would say, "If I die,

would you shave your head?"

We were just kids,

and I would say,
"Yes, I'll shave my head."

She would say, "If I die,

"will you take my ashes

"and mix them with clay

"and make me into a pot

and put flowers in
every day?"

And I would say,
"Yes, I'll do that."

That's what breaks my heart
the most.

When I see her friends,

they say, "You know,

your sister really loved you,"

and what I really want them
to say is

"Your sister knew that
you really loved her."

[mournful music]

♪ ♪

She wanted us to be twins,

have a secret language,

and at a certain age,

that started
to feel suffocating to me,

and I don't think she liked it

when I wanted to be
my own person.

That was taken as rejection,

when it--it really was
just normal growing up.

♪ ♪

[emotional piano music]

♪ ♪

Were you sleeping?

- I'm not sleeping.

- Can I have a kiss?
- Mm-hmm.

Ugh. That was a lick!

- [cries]
- Okay, I just wanted

to know where you were.
I'm sorry.

- Hi.

- [cries]

- She's really afraid that

she's Ruth in the making,

and I'm terrified.

The doctor told me

when my children turn two,

that I was going to be
reminded of my sister,

because people who have

personality disorders
like Ruth's

and two-year-olds

have a lot of similarities.

I worry about their health,

I worry about their sanity,

their sobriety.

I feel like I gave them
a really bad hand of DNA.

- Our children
don't have that problem.

Our two-year-old is not--
have any mental issues.

She's two,

and I blame Ruth

for your concern about, like,
having to worry about that.

I'm sitting in our kitchen,

talking about how Ruth
affects how we parent our kids.

Like, I don't--

- There's a genetic component.

- Uh, I guess.

- You never worried about it?

- [baby squeals merrily]

- Whee!

- Smiling!

- It's Christmas Eve,
and I'm at my in-laws' house

in Los Angeles.

It's five days after

Ruth was buried,

six years ago.

Um...

To--this is always
a hard time for me,

and my...

2 1/2-year-old daughter--

just out of the blue, she

decides to pronounce that

Mommy doesn't love her,

but Daddy loves her very much.

I don't know
if this is something that

a normal two-year-old says,

but it actually
really hurt my feelings.

Merry Christmas.

[whispering] So it turns out,
I'm totally the crazy one.

The baby went down
to the party

and she cried that

she wanted Mommy
to put her to bed,

and I said to her,

"No, you like Daddy,

not Mommy."

My husband got so mad at me.

He was like,
"You're the adult."

I couldn't help it

that my feelings
were really hurt.

My crazy makeup
isn't helping anything.

I look crazy, feel crazy.

But what kind of two-year-old
says,

"Mommy doesn't love me.
Only Daddy loves me."

Is that normal?

[quiet music]

♪ ♪

You knew Ruth in high school,

and now you're a therapist.

I just really want
to talk to an expert like you.

- The biggest fear
that a lot of parents have is

"Am I going to inherit

you know,
these mental illnesses?

Is that going to happen
to my child?

both: Like, is that going
to happen to my child?

- Right, that's a--
- Sarah, tell me...

- That's a big--
- Is gonna happen?

- Well, if mental illness
exists in the family,

there is gonna be

a possible
genetic predisposition

to having the mental illness

be expressed in a child.

Can I ask you a question?

Was there any diagnosis
given to her

when she was going to therapy?

- Very often, she was given
the diagnosis

of bipolar disorder.
- Okay.

- But from what I've read
and my experiences,

she seems much more

borderline personality
disorder.

- Mm-hmm, mm-hm.
- For example, like,

that seem to be

something missing in

feeling love and--
and holding onto that.

- So borderlines

never, ever feel fulfilled.

It's chronically empty.

They're constantly trying to

figure out how to be fulfilled,
and they'll never get it.

My guess is that Ruth,

you know, during
the '80s and '90s,

that there was not enough
research done

right, on borderline,

so she probably

received the medication
that she need

to deal with the symptoms,

but then, there was no other
treatment that happened.

Since it's not just about

doing the medical treatment
to cure the symptoms.

It's also about doing
the further investigation

of the evolution of the family

as a unit.

- Right.

Do you know the story
behind these albums?

- No.
- Ruth decided

she wanted to make
these photo albums.

My parents weren't necessarily
interested in having her do it,

but she made them pay her

to make them.
- [laughs]

Yikes.
[laughter]

- That Ruth goes from
- Yeah. That.

- My grandmother.
Literally my grandmother,

and then you turn the page,

and it's like, "Oh, whatever.
Nude picture of my boyfriend."

- And these are the albums
she made for your parents.

- Yes, that they had to
pay for.

- Ooh, Rolex shot.

- It looks like my mom
is loving him,

but she's really loving...
- She's not.

- The Rolex.
- She's waiting for the watch.

She got it going on.

She knows what time it is.

She really, you know,
picked herself up, and...

your mother had a horrible
childhood.

- I know.

My mom came from
a very poor family,

and I think that
very early on,

she realized that
the way she looked

gave her some power.

With this power,
she was gonna get out of

her bad situation in Brooklyn

and looks became
very important to her.

[somber piano music]

My mom was always on a diet.

She was a lifetime member
of Weight Watchers.

If she gave us each
a piece of cake,

Ruth and I used to say,

"You gave her
the smaller piece.

You love her more."

♪ ♪

My mother's beauty
really did work in her favor.

She was a model
in the garment district,

and she married my father

and helped him build
his business

until she had
the Manhattan lifestyle

that she really wanted,

and then could give her
children

the things that
she always wanted

to have herself.

And some of them
were a little superficial.

Like, she always wanted to have
blonde hair and blue eyes,

and then...

Well, like, in this picture,
for example,

this is totally... twisted.

She dyed my sister's hair
blond when she was five.

- Oh, my God.

And there begins the problems.

♪ ♪

- It looks like
she liked this one a lot.

It's nice and mushy.

An adult with stuffed animals
was very her.

[crying] I don't know,
it's like--

this is stuff--for babies.

[sniffs] It's just...

It's like, all this stuff--
like, she was just

trying to be happy, like a kid.

I mean, look at this
Hello Kitty pencil case.

Come on.

She wrote her name
on the inside,

like a five-year-old.

[breathing raggedly]

I'm at a friend's house.

[melancholy music]

I don't know if everyone
does this,

or just drug addicts,

but I found this.

♪ ♪

This is...

really making me want to

throw away 17 years
of sobriety.

♪ ♪

Around 14,

my girlfriends and I
snuck our first drink,

and I had
this amazing feeling of

"I don't know what's wrong
with me,

but this is the cure."

I was a blackout drinker...

♪ ♪

and I have blackout memories.

I don't remember
all the times

she tried to commit suicide.

I--I have memories of when
the police would arrive,

but I don't remember
the order.

♪ ♪

My dad was a heavy drinker.

I drank with him.

That was the only thing
I had in common

with my father.

♪ ♪

That was not seen
as unusual in my house.

♪ ♪

And he also introduced me
to Percocet,

and he would say to me,

"Want half a Percy, Hopie?"

He would give me
half a Percocet

and we would drink.

So many times,

Ruth would be in the hospital,

and he would say to me,

"Just be happy. Have a drink,"

and my mom would look at me
pleadingly

and say, "You're happy,
right?"

and I knew the only answer was

"Yes, Mommy, I'm happy."

♪ ♪

- You always did
pretend to be happy,

and I know why:

because your mother
had a full plate.

Ruthie took so much of
her energy and love.

♪ ♪

There were so many times that

your mom rescued her.

♪ ♪

I know there was one
on a ledge.

Wasn't there one
that she got on a ledge?

♪ ♪

Your mom had no life

and apparently,
Ruthie couldn't live in

the one we had, she had,

and I felt sad,

and I'm gonna cry.

But, she recovered

to make further attempts,

and, um...

I mean, she just couldn't find
her way in this world.

♪ ♪

- Hi, I was hoping I could
speak with Detective Cozzi.

- You can sit out--
You can sit out and wait.

He'll probably come back.

That's about it.
- Thank you.

The woman in the records room

who found--who actually
did find the record

basically told me that

there was nothing else
I needed to know

and when I expressed
that I needed closure,

she recommended that I

seek out
the Jehovah's Witnesses

at jw.org,

and I was told to come back
at 12:00.

- Ruth Litoff?
- Yes, that's my sister.

- You're the one that--
- I requested the report.

- Is that correct--the name?

- Yes.
- Okay, so here it is.

- It's right here?
- Yeah, it's the whole package.

- Thank you so much.
- You're welcome.

- I really appreciate it.

What the detective told me
was really painful.

He said that
my sister died in pain,

and I shouldn't look in
the pictures.

I don't know--

I don't really know
how to deal with

my feelings about this.

It's very upsetting.

Thinking about drinking.

I mean, what's the big deal?

I got out of it before.

I just ordered
a double vodka on the rocks,

with two olives.

Thank you.

- You're welcome.

[upbeat music playing]

♪ ♪

Thank you.

First drink in 16 years.

- Good or bad?

- [whispers] Bad.

[bartender pouring drinks]

- What's that?

- This is like her own version
of a Joseph Cornell box,

with little different
strange treasures

that mean something to her.

- Through Ruth's eye.
- What's this one?

- I don't know.

- Ooh, a Valium.

[laughing] I wonder if
it still works.

Look at this tiny baby.

- What's this?
- Ugh, an impaled baby.

[mournful music]

I know she was very upset

about having had two abortions.

♪ ♪

At around age 14,
Ruth was having sex.

She would just take
her boyfriend into her bedroom

and lock the door.

♪ ♪

I wish my parents
had stopped her,

but they didn't...

♪ ♪

and eventually,
she did get pregnant,

and she chose to have
an abortion.

♪ ♪

Ruth's best friend's mother

was a producer on "20/20,"

and asked her to be
on the show.

♪ ♪

- We start with a girl.

She lives in New York City,

where she's
a high school senior

and a talented photographer.

- When I was pregnant,
I really felt like

I had a responsibility
to my baby,

even though it was just--
it was just a fetus.

It wasn't really anything.

I always--you know,
I watched what I ate

and I just kind of
took care of it,

even though I knew that
it was gonna go away.

- Of course, she wasn't ready
to have a baby--

she was just in high school--

but she never forgot about it,
either.

♪ ♪

- And I remember
when she had her abortion.

Did she continue thinking
about, like,

"Oh, if I had had that child"?

- She just sort of
acknowledged that

her depression
was going to prevent her

from being able
to have children.

I realized
from looking at her journals

that that is
a huge disappointment for her,

which I never knew.

- Hm.

- She would sometimes
represent herself

as damaged goods

and then--
it might say something like

"forever fixed,"

and it'd be an image of her
holding a baby.

♪ ♪

Babies, to her,
were a symbol

of good health

and happiness, I think.

♪ ♪

When my son, Charlie,
was born,

she only had a chance
to meet him once.

♪ ♪

And if she wasn't
mentally ill,

she would've been
an amazing aunt.

♪ ♪

- She confided in me
that she felt

very lost and alone.

♪ ♪

- My parents' failure

in being able
to help fix her,

or heal her,
I just think,

was too frustrating.

- Mm-hmm.

- For her to even,
sometimes, be around them,

I'm guessing.

- I know your mom
loved her enormously,

but your dad, he--
he was pulling her down,

it seems like, always,
and, um,

he--I mean, at one point,
she told me

she took a lot of pills

and she ended up
going to Bellevue,

and she told me
that your father said,

"Next time, jump."

[somber music]

♪ ♪

It was hard.
God, it was hard being Ruth.

So yeah, there were
the emergency calls,

emergency dates.

Yeah, it was like being
a social worker.

It was a friend-social worker
relationship.

It had its rewards
and its perks, but it was--

it was hard to be Ruth,
it was hard to be near her,

and, um...

and it was also beautiful
at times.

- Her great times
were pretty great.

Now, it wasn't like
she was just depressed

and alone with her cat.

Like, she had a lot of really
sparkling moments as well.

- It was everything.
It was the whole--

you got the whole spectrum
with Ruth.

It's like a full
Shakespeare tragedy.

♪ ♪

It was really fun in, like,
the '80s and the '90s,

I'd get a call from Ruth,
and she'd be like,

"It's time to do
a photo shoot.

We haven't done
a photo shoot in a while,"

and I was like,
"Yeah, that's right!"

I mean, okay, so it was like,
teens, 20s.

Like, we both
had great bodies,

um, and it was just, like,
time to celebrate them

and, like take off
your clothes

and put on trench coats
and heels

and go on the roof
and take pictures,

and we had so much fun.

♪ ♪

And she was so open and free,

and she made her subjects

feel that way too.

She was--she appreciated
beauty,

and she was so sexy herself,

and she appreciated it.
She brought that out.

She brought out sensuality
and sexuality

in all of her subjects.

[warm music]

♪ ♪

She would seduce everyone

into taking great pictures.

- Every boyfriend
I've seen naked.

- Yeah.
[laughs]

- One has a better body
than the next.

- Exactly, exactly.

♪ ♪

Ruth was very exciting,
and she gave--

in terms of artwork,
of course--

and she gave with humor,

and she gave with love,

and she also took

enormous amounts of energy,

and it would take time
to recover after.

[tranquil music]

- Ruth was very sensual--
sexual person,

but she always had
an insecurity.

It was a bottomless well.

♪ ♪

We met in the summer of 1991
in Quogue in a share house.

Immediately, all the
single guys in the house

were like, you know,
just drawn to this--

this person.
She's beautiful and--

you know, and I figured
that I didn't have a shot.

♪ ♪

And once she started
shooting me,

she really helped me

to see myself
in a different light.

♪ ♪

You know, the effect
that she had on you,

it was brighter than the sun.

You couldn't help
be drawn to that person.

♪ ♪

- "I wanted Alan."

- [laughs]

You know, maybe part of me
thought that I could heal her

and that I could
take that pain away from her.

- Me too.

- But I couldn't.
I--you know,

I--I couldn't,
despite how hard I tried.

♪ ♪

- She would pull people
in close

and then act
in such a horrible way

that the person had to leave,

and then she would say, "Why--
why did you leave me?"

♪ ♪

- She clearly must have
thought she was beautiful,

or was that just her trying to
convince herself that she was?

All the nude pictures
of herself and bikini shots?

- I think--
- I mean, is that a sign

of insecurity?
What is that about?

- I think that was
a sign of insecurity.

[sorrowful piano music]

♪ ♪

- I think the self-portrait
is very...

complicated for her.

♪ ♪

Self-searching, but also
wanting to look good,

and wanting to see what
other people would see.

♪ ♪

I can't tell you
the amount of times

I told her how beautiful
she was.

♪ ♪

Maybe she could see
who she was in a photograph

in a way that she couldn't see

just by feeling
who she was.

♪ ♪

So this is what
I want your help with.

I'm gonna try and bust
into Ruth's computer.

- Wow.

So what are you looking for
on the computer?

- I don't really know
when she wrote her last email.

[computer chimes]

Did you just turn it on?

- No, I didn't touch anything.

- Maybe Ruth turned it on.

- Yeah.

Amazing that it's just--
starts up and it's fine.

- I need something
to make a mouse pad.

[clicks mouse]

Is that too small to read?

- Um, no, it says--

- This one says
"Bellevue Photos."

- Wow, how many times
has she gone to Bellevue?

- A lot.
- She would commit herself?

- My memory is it was always
after a suicide attempt.

- Oh, look.
- What does it say?

I don't have my glasses on.

- It says, "Hi, Ruth.

"In reading your email
from March 3rd, 2008,

it sounds as though you have
secured the light boxes."

[gasps]

- These are, like,
architect's blueprints.

I like that
she dreamed big.

- "Bellevue Hospital Center
will accommodate your request

to have your opening reception
at the site in spring 2008."

She was really
pretty far along.

- I mean, she died
right after that.

- That's kind of sad.
- Yeah.

I don't know what
my responsibility is,

as the only person
that's left living.

- I know, but--
- I mean, these are, like,

records of her life.

What am I supposed to do
with them?

- Yeah.
- Right.

- [grunts]

- I've still been drinking.

Nobody knows about it,

but I think it's fine.

I just need it right now,
and then

when I don't need it,
I'll just stop.

- Hope, what are you doing?

- I'm looking through
the bottles

to see which ones have
pills left in them

and if any of them
interest me.

- Okay, what do you mean
by that?

- What I mean is maybe

I can experience what my sister
experienced.

You know what?
That's bullshit.

Maybe I can get high

off of the pills
that she left behind.

- You know this puts us in
a really complicit situation?

- Two.
- Two?

- Yeah.
One is good, two is better.

Ooh, it's stale.

I've never taken it before.

It's a form of Adderall.

I've never taken it before.

And there's something about

the fact that they're
Ruth's pills

that make them feel
more special to me.

- I don't want to be
enabling your addiction.

- Tough shit.

Seriously.

Oh, I just wanna
feel what she feels, and...

I just wanna be inside her.

I think I should see
if George can meet me.

Don't worry about me.

- I do worry about you.

[sirens wailing]

Okay, so are you sober now?

- I'm not sober right now, no.

- We had a pact
about being sober.

It's difficult,
being in that pact

and having one person
check out of the pact,

and I need you to know that

you have responsibilities
to people who are living

right now.

I mean, it's like
your mom died,

your dad died,
Ruth killed herself.

And this is what's--
- I lived through it.

- Yeah, and you were sober
through all of it,

so I don't--
I don't really understand

what's going on.
- Okay, well,

I'll explain it to you.
The difference is,

I became a robot
as each person died.

I took my feelings
and I squashed them down

and I took my feelings
and I squashed them down.

I just was like,
"Keep going, keep going,

keep going," and now,
all the emotions

that I refused to feel
while I was sober

and Ruth was ill

and all the feelings
that I refused to feel

after she killed herself--

I'm feeling them.

- This is crazy.
She's dead.

- We're gonna start in 1996.

What do you think of that i--
what does that say?

- Not very much indeed.

I mean, it'd be nice if
you could balance some of this

with spending time
with your kids.

- I know, but this is
gonna help me

be a better mom to them.

- Eventually?

- I guess not right now.

Okay, put it up, put it up.

I just wanna see
if it's lined up.

Why didn't you go
all the way up to the ceiling?

This way, a pattern
might be revealed.

- I just--I just--

I think that this is--
I don't really understand it.

I don't understand what pattern
you think you're gonna see.

You're looking at datebooks
that are ten years old

from a dead person.

- Not that one. Use this one.
- Huh?

She did her dry cleaning
on Tuesday, the 2nd.

- See?
Now you're wondering too.

- [laughs]

- And here comes
a suicide attempt.

- "Found in coma, 1:30."

- Yeah.

- All right, see you later.
- Okay.

[soft string music]

♪ ♪

- January '97.

January '98, January '99.

February.

March, April.

October.

2001, 2002, 2003, 2004.

March, March, March, March.

[whispering] I don't see
a pattern.

♪ ♪

This looks to me
like a very manic phase.

Intense colors,

and, like, right here, this is
a very intense thing.

It has a woman
and it says "Help."

When she's manic,
is that more likely

that she's gonna try
to commit suicide?

But I haven't been able
to find...

a pattern like that,
because sometimes,

the pages will be
very bare and blank,

for example, here,

she ends up going to get

electric shock therapy,

and she stays there for weeks.

Depressed, depressed,
depressed.

D, D, D.

Some "S"s.

That means
"worse than depressed."

That means "suicidal."

Oh look,
here's another one.

Big, big red S.

"Took pills for four days,
hoping to die."

"A good day to die."

It seems like
everything's fine,

and then, all of a sudden,

she tried to kill herself,

and then she gets out,

and she goes and plays
ultimate Frisbee.

She would write "Belle View"--
beautiful view--

so she must have liked it,
if that's what she called it.

She really went from

wonderful times
to horrible times

very, very quickly.

Here's a suicide attempt,
February 18th,

which is my birthday.

"Sorry, Hopie."

♪ ♪

She often accused me
of abandoning her.

♪ ♪

And I see that
I was actually with her a lot.

♪ ♪

Here's the last one.

♪ ♪

I found her
on Friday the 12th.

♪ ♪

I don't know that she was alive
on the 12th,

before I found her,
or if she predicted

she would die
on one of these days,

and she made
the little circles.

♪ ♪

And so I don't really know
what day she died on.

- Have you seen
these photographs?

- No.

- Um, they--they may be
upsetting to you.

Yep.

And she's with a--
a stuffed animal, there.

- Yeah, a stuffed animal.

Can you tell how long
she had been dead for?

- Eh, at least of the order
of 24 hours.

- Someone looks alive

and then they look really dead.

- Sometimes death
looks stunningly lifeless.

I think...

You know, if--
you know, when your memory

have been embroidering this

into something, you know,
more lyrical and exalted,

but I'm--you know, emotionally,
you know the truth of this

all the way along, I'm sure.

- No.
I pretend that

she's still alive.

[exhales deeply]

It's like she's with me
all the time.

The guilt that I feel is...

unbearable,

and I'm falling apart.

[sighs]

This is hard.

- You're saying "One swig,
and I'll never drink again?"

- One swig, and I'll never
drink again.

- Okay.

Go ahead.
- I'm gonna have a swig.

- Okay, I'm coming with you.

- Okay, I'm gonna
take a glass.

- Oh, it has to be
out of a glass?

- Well, do you think
your parents

want me to drink
straight from their bottle?

- [softly] No...

- I'm really having
a hard time.

- Yeah, I know, but
I'm scared, and--

and I've been
chasing you around all morning,

trying to make sure
that you don't have a drink,

I can't do that. I can't--

I can't follow you around
all day.

- This will be the last time.

- And I don't know
what to do.

I don't know what
the right thing to do is.

You're not yourself.

You're a different person.

Is that how much you want?

I--you can't be passed out
on the airplane.

- My hands are shaking.

It's horrible.

Okay, that's it.

- I mean, you say--
I know that you say that,

but, like, I--

you forget
who you're talking to.

- What do you mean?
- Now, I'm on camera,

saying "Have another drink,"

and, you know...

- Right now?
- Yeah. I mean, no,

I'm not saying you should
have another drink now.

- [laughs]
- I'm just saying we just--

you just--you said,
"Can I have another drink?"

and I said "Okay,"
and I don't know

how to feel about that.

I mean--
- It's the only thing

that makes me feel better.

I don't know
how to explain that.

- I understand.
- It's the only thing

that takes the pain away.
- You don't need to explain it.

- I just feel really guilty

that I'm alive and she's dead.

- Well, here's my perspective.

She's been dead
for seven years

and she's sent you
to this bar

from the grave to drink.
- [cries]

I just--I really don't know
how to stop.

- I know.
- I know.

Here's my rehab room.

The big book,

required reading
for all alcoholics.

Pictures from my kids.

There's nothing wrong
with them.

Obviously, I'm the one
with the problem.

I always wanted
to be the opposite of Ruth.

You know what?
We're not that different.

I always knew that
I felt very guilty,

and I always knew
I blamed myself,

but I didn't realize
how painful it would be

to have compassion for her.

[jaunty music over radio]

♪ ♪

So ask me a question.

- Where are you--where are you
coming from?

Where are you going?

[laughter]

- I have 30 days sober today.

- Yay.
- And I'm going home.

- How exciting.
- Very exciting.

- You look good.

- Thanks. I miss you.

- I miss you too.

- What do you know about
these sort of blueprints

that she made for a possible
display at Bellevue?

- It was one of the last things
that she worked on.

Uh, she really wanted
to do something

with her flowers
in a dead space.

- Do you think
it would be crazy

to try and make this happen?

- Are you ready to,
emotionally?

Combining not just the art,

but the crazy and the hospitals
and the whole thing?

- I don't know.

You want to help me carry it?

Thank you.

[warm guitar music]

- It's one thing to say,

"Okay, I think I'm ready
to go,"

and open up the storage unit

and look at her work,

but this becomes
a whole other thing.

- The difference with this,
though, is

I would be making

one of Ruth's wishes
come true.

- Well, that's for sure.

- And if I could
realize that for her,

I would feel really proud.

♪ ♪

I want to celebrate
the good things about Ruth

and not dwell on
the bad things.

♪ ♪

Okay, so I should change.

♪ ♪

[doorbell rings]

Hello.
- Hey!

Hi, I'm Greg Mink.
How we doing?

- Nice to meet you.
- Nice to meet you.

- Thank you so much
for coming over.

- Not a problem.

- So, um, I set up
the photographs in here.

- Wow.

- So, um,

these are ones
that you probably saw with her

years ago.
- Yes. Mm-hmm.

- There's more in here.
- Mm-hmm.

It's a little dusty, but...

[laughs]

Um, I actually have that one
on my wall.

- Mm-hmm.

- This box has a lot,

but you could choose which one
you could take with you.

- Mm-hmm. The next one?

- Mm-hmm.
- Mm-hmm.

- Oh, that's a pretty one.

We're gonna give you that one,
even if you don't want it.

- Yes. Mm-hmm.

- You can see, like...
- Yes.

- The scale really
makes a difference.

- Yes.
- You know?

- Mm-hmm.

- I'm so excited.

- Uh, we'll meet with--
meet with

the public affairs people
next week,

and in terms of this show
and we'll just give them a--

a little background,

and I think they would be
on board.

[somber piano music]

♪ ♪

- Like maybe, up to the--

♪ ♪

- So now you can see
some of that detail.

- Wow, that detail
is amazing.

♪ ♪

- Look at that yellow green.
That's like...

- That's wonderful.

- Yeah.
Get a little bit better sense

of what we're looking at.

- Ooh.

Ooh!

- Yeah, this one's magical.
- Magical.

- Yeah.

- Wow.
I know she loved this one,

because she gave it a name.

♪ ♪

- Yeah?
- Yeah.

- And then, are these logos
correct?

- Yes.
- And do you like

the name and font?
- Yes.

♪ ♪

It just has to look good.

It has to look as good

as Ruth would want it to look.

She had very high standards...

That were a little hard
to live up to.

I don't doubt

the artwork
and I don't doubt...

I just--
I just want to make sure

that I did it right.

I can carry one.

♪ ♪

When we were little kids,

I was her faithful servant.

♪ ♪

I still feel like I am.

♪ ♪

She always wanted to
become one with me.

Looks good.

She's in there.

♪ ♪

My sister made these.
- Can I take a picture?

- You can take a picture.
Of course.

- Cell phone--take a picture.

- That's cute.
- Thank you so much.

Thank you.
- No, thank you.

I'm glad you're enjoying it.

That makes me really happy.
Thank you.

♪ ♪

One of Ruth's dreams

was to have a show
at Bellevue.

I made it my dream
to have a show at Bellevue.

That's not my dream.

♪ ♪

My dream is something
so impossible.

My wish is that
she'd come back

and be healthy.

♪ ♪

There is something unique

about losing someone
to suicide.

It's not really something
you're ever gonna get over.

It's a daily battle.

It's like you always
have a splinter in your hand

Sometimes you notice it
and sometimes you don't,

but the splinter's
always there.

♪ ♪

You can't destroy yourself
over it, but...

♪ ♪

You can have the splinter
and live.

The splinter's not gonna
kill you.

♪ ♪

- You want to talk
about your sister?

- Um, when I did that portrait
of my sister,

we were in a very good mood
and we were very happy,

but I always knew

there was something
underlying--

you know, down inside her--

that it just wasn't
altogether happy.

- Do you love your sister?

- I love my sister
very much.

She's probably
the most important person to me

in the world.

[mournful music]

♪ ♪

[bright tone]