Original subtitles

# Terrible Tudors, gorgeous Georgians Slimy Stuarts, vile Victorians

# Woeful wars, ferocious fights Dingy castles, daring knights

# Horrors that defy description Cut-throat Celts, awful Egyptians

# Vicious Vikings, cruel crimes Punishment from ancient times

# Romans rotten, rank and ruthless Cavemen savage, fierce and toothless

# Groovy Greek, brainy sages Mean and measly Middle Ages

# Gory stories, we do that

# And your host, a talking rat

# The past is no longer a mystery

# Welcome to...

# Horrible Histories. #

- Horrible Histories presents...

- Camels, Camels, Camels!

Are you in second-century Egypt?

Do you need a camel? Of course you do. Everyone needs camels.

Camels are the perfect mode of desert transport.

They're strong, reliable, and need less water than your average donkey.

Ooh, no offence.

DONKEY BRAYS

Whoa!

Camels, Camels, Camels has camels for just 600 drachma.

But don't take my word for it.

Here it is, right from the camel's mouth.

- I'll take a camel. - Congratulations.

You've just bought yourself a luxury camel

from Camels, Camels, Camels! - Wahey!

Ugh. - Warning - camels may spit.

Stay away from their mouths.

Er...probably should've mentioned that sooner.

Yes, here at Camels, Camels, Camels,

we've got camels for all your camel needs!

- I need a camel, but they're not cheap.

I'd have to pay permits and fees to take them down certain roads,

and I'd have to pay extra high taxes compared with other animals.

- Well, stop worrying, because here at Camels, Camels, Camels,

you can buy PART of a camel - and I don't just mean the legs.

You'll be sharing it with someone else and you'll save money.

- Great! I'll take half a camel.

- Done! You can share it with Steve.

- Hello. - He's just paid. - Oh!

- Ugh! I love my new camel.

- CAMEL GRUNTS

- Ugh!

- Oh, remember to stay away from their mouths.

I really should open with that.

You need camels, we got camels!

But, uh-oh, who's this?

- I work for the governor of Egypt. I've come to take your camels. - Huh?

- I won't be paying you.

- Well, help yourself,

and don't forget to stand right in front of their mouths.

It helps them bond with you. - Ooh, thanks. Good tip.

- CAMELS BELLOW

- Huh?

Oh! Ugh!

Oh!

- Camels, Camels, Camels

for buying camels, renting camels,

and, if you work for the governor,

just taking them without paying.

- Ugh! I've got camel glob in my eyes!

- So come on down to Camels, Camels, Camels today.

DONKEY BRAYS

- Aaargh!

- Don't get the hump. Get a camel!

CAMEL BELLOWS

I'm in 43AD, Ancient Rome,

where Emperor Claudius has banned the use of carts in towns,

along with all the other transportation, save walking on foot.

Welcome to Fast In The Past.

What's that I hear you say? "No carts?

"What's a handsome speed demon like you doing in a place like this?"

Well, the clever folks of Ancient Rome

might have come up with a workaround.

I'm here to review the Roman litter.

Don't be fooled by the name -

this beast is anything but rubbish.

It's a four-person-powered, two-pole, one-seater celebration

of Roman know-how.

It goes to top speeds as fast as these guys can run.

And, yes, don't worry...

MOCKINGLY: ..it's ecologically friendly...

..because the engine is powered on whatever you feed them.

Let's take it for a spin.

Well, the makers of the litter claim it can go from zero to walking speed

as long as it takes to takes to say "forward".

- Forward. - Not bad.

Now, let's see what this baby's second gear, running, can do.

Lads, put your foot down - fast. - Fast.

- Boom! Cappuccino.

Now, the effort of carrying a litter under the hot sun

must be exhausting. Not for me - I'm on this luxurious upholstery,

and I've even got a roof which protects me not only from the sun,

but from any wee or poo thrown from windows.

- I hate my job.

- And check this out - I can control the vehicle

using the simple voice-activated command system.

Stop! - Stop!

- Back! - Back!

- Yep, she's a classy little run-around,

and by classy, I mean that it's used only by the upper classes,

from important people all the way

to the imperial family at the very top.

- Stop! - No, I didn't say stop, I said top!

Forward. - Forward!

- Put your backs into it. - Back!

- No, I didn't say back! Forward! - Forward!

- You're letting yourselves down. - Down! - Stop! - Stop!

- As you can see, the control system can be a little temperamental.

So, to sum up, in a town where carts are banned,

it'll get you from A to B pretty fast.

- Fast! - No, no, no, no! Guys, stop!

We're going in the river! - Going in the river!

- Nooo!

SPLASH!

Imagine that - only being able to travel around by walking,

being carried or riding a camel.

Before modern vehicles were invented, travelling anywhere would take ages,

unless you were lucky enough to have a sailboat or a horse.

It's no wonder that people really looked after their animals.

Mind you, one particular man took that to a whole new level.

- Hey, guys. Henry VIII here.

HV-3 in the house!

Or a field. Er, whatever.

Now, you all know that I'm into armour, hunting and food.

Nom, nom, nom!

But today, I want to talk about horses.

I'm a horse NERD!

I love horses! They're the only way to travel.

I especially love coming to my Barbary horse stable

and hanging out with my horse handler, Hannibal Zinzano!

- Hello. - I love that name...

..but not as much as I love horses! - DREAMY HARP TRILL

- I'm actually the first monarch to breed horses especially for racing.

Tell them what I did when I was campaigning in France.

- I believe you raced horses.

- And why did I do that?

- HE SIGHS

- Because you really love horses.

- SHOUTING: - Because I really love horses!

One time, I bought 300 horses in Holland.

People often say, "Hey, Henry, how many horses do you have?"

And I say, "Not enough! Bring me more horses!"

Super Horse Nerd!

This is where I come to watch the working horses

enjoy a happy retirement.

Oh, there's Canicida and Governator.

Aren't they lovely? - Yes.

- We thank you for your services, horses.

- MILITARY TRUMPET AND DRUM MUSIC

- Zinzano? - Oh, right. Thank you for your service, horses.

- Bit better.

Some people say to me, "Oh, Henry, you must love all horses, then,"

and to them I say, "No, I do not love all horses!"

Tiny horses enrage me!

That's why I had a law passed saying any horse over the age of two

and shorter than 15 hands is banned.

Hands are a unit to measure a horse's height,

which, if you loved horses as much as me, you'd already know!

Any horse I thought was too short, I had destroyed!

And I had them... - Henry, have you seen my...?

Oh, he's...talking about horses again.

- You knew this about me when you married me, Anne.

- Well, if you love horses so much, why don't you marry one?!

- Well, maybe I will!

That's actually an awesome idea. Zinzano!

Find me a horse bride.

- Neigh!

- Horse Nerd out.

- HORSE WHINNIES

Ooh! Coming through!

Oh, watch out! Excuse me.

Oh, sorry. Don't mind me.

Just driving a vehicle of the future.

Oh, this? It's called the Laufmaschine,

or better known as...my velocipede.

- That's a blooming dandy horse, that's what that is.

- Oi, watch your mouth!

I'll have you know that this

is the future

of pedestrian acceleration.

HE CHUCKLES

It's all the rage in Frankfurt. SARCASTICALLY: - Ooh, Frankfurt!

- "Ooh!" is the right response.

I bet you're looking for a demonstration, aren't you?

- Not really.

- So what you want to do is get both legs on either side like that,

and then get ready to ride like the wind, baby!

Ooh-hoo! Come on, feel those Gs! Ha-ha!

CRACK!

Ooh! - Excuse me...

- I know, I know, it's made entirely of wood. Very perceptive.

It's got a perch with a cushion on it,

you know, for maximum booty comfort.

- No, I was wondering if you could move it.

Your wheel's on my husband's foot. - Argh!

- Of course. It's easy. You just lift it.

CRACK! - Argh! - There we are. Sorry, mate.

- So can it go up hills? - No.

- Can it go down hills? - Most certainly.

If anything, it's too good at that.

Doesn't have any brakes, so, er...

..there have been one or two crashes.

- Shame there isn't another way of making the wheels turn. - Like what?

- Like some way of giving you some thrust

without having to walk it along.

Now, THAT would be a good invention.

- HE LAUGHS

I think you'll find

that THIS is a good invention, thank you very much.

It doesn't need thrusts and brakes.

- All right, get off that thing! - Who, me, on my velocipede?

- His dandy horse. - Oi!

- I don't care what it's called, it's a bloomin' nuisance.

Riding these on the pavement's banned, so I'm going to take you in.

- Oh, dandy horse away! But it's not called that!

CRUNCH! - You're on my husband's foot again!

- That's nasty, that. I wouldn't walk on that if I was you.

Do you know what you need?

Dandy horse, mate. Yeah.

- Good morning. Annie Cohen Kopchovsky here.

You find me on day one of my attempt to cycle around the globe,

sponsored by the kind people

at Londonderry Lithia Spring Water Company.

I've even changed my name to Annie Londonderry.

Plus, I've sold advertising on my clothing.

Ah!

And wait till you see my bloomers.

- Ooh!

- BIKE BELL PINGS

- So, why am I doing this?

Well, two idiot men had a bet

that no woman could cycle around the world,

so I'm here to prove them wrong.

Plus, I will win $10,000 in a wager if I make it -

WHEN I make it.

To be honest, I've never really cycled before,

but, er, I'm sure I'll be fiiiine!

Argh!

- THUD, CAT YOWLS

BICYCLE BELL PINGS

- I finally made it from Boston to New York

and now all the way here to Chicago.

- So where are you off to next, Annie?

- Oh, well, France. Would you believe?

In fact, I don't suppose you know how to get there

from here in Chicago.

- All you got to do is cycle all the way back to New York

and jump on a ship.

- Back? - All the way back to New York.

- Back...? OK.

Thank you, sir. Back to New York.

- See you later.

BIKE BELL PINGS

- Hello from Marseille. This is Pierre.

Say bonjour, Pierre. - Bonjour, Pierre.

- Ah! Him and a couple of his friends tried to rob me,

but they soon set me free

when they when they realised I didn't have anything.

Isn't that right, Pierre?

- Oui. I'm kind of regretting that now, but...

- Keep in touch, yeah?

- Annie?

- BIKE BELL PINGS

- I've always wanted to visit Japan and China.

And here in Dalian, I kind of get to do both,

because they're fighting a war over it.

- GUNSHOT

- Ooowww!

- BIKE BELL PINGS

- Well, you can't cycle across oceans, can you?

- SHE CHUCKLES

- You find me here in Stockton, California, back in the US of A.

- SHE COUGHS

- I had a little scrape with a runaway horse and cart.

Can I leave yet, doc? - DOCTOR: - No.

- What does he know?

Ooh! Oh, no.

- THUD

BIKE BELL PINGS

- I made it.

The first woman to cycle around the world.

- SHE BREATHES HEAVILY

- Laters, haters.

Oh! Ah!

Can somebody get me a cushion?

I don't know if I'll ever sit down again.

- Bicycles? Ugh!

CRASH!

They weren't regal enough. for a queen like me to travel on.

I preferred something a little more grand,

which is why I was actually the first-ever British monarch

to travel by train.

Choo-choo!

WHISTLE BLOWS

Albert, I'm having second thoughts.

It's so dangerous. - Don't worry, Victoria.

You're just nervous

because you haven't been on a train journey before.

- Oh, but the speed.

- It only goes at...44 miles an hour.

- VICTORIA SHRIEKS

- It's just a short journey from Slough to London and...

- WHEELS RATTLE

- Whoa! We're moving. OK.

- Is there a chance that you're

a teensy-weensy bit nervous, darling Albert?

- No. I've taken the train many times.

You know how interested I am in new technology.

Argh! My life flashed before my eyes.

It was all green! - I think that was just a tree, babe.

- Might be worth saying, "Not quite so fast next time, conductor," hm?

- I'm actually rather charmed by it. SHE GASPS

Let's ask the driver if we can go via the seaside.

SHOUTING: Driver!

- I'm afraid it doesn't work like that, dear.

The train is on tracks.

The driver can't simply choose where to go.

- What an extraordinary way to travel!

Oh, look! Lots of people have come out to say hello!

How do you do? How do you do? How do you do? How do you...?

It's not a very good way to meet the public, is it?

SHE GASPS We should ask the driver to go back

so we can speak to them properly.

Driver?!

- At these startling speeds, my dear,

those people are already a mile away.

- Oh, well, we are going to have to go back anyway.

I've left the cake at home.

ALBERT SIGHS

Windsor Castle, please, driver!

- Remember, the train is on tracks.

If we wish to go back, we have to go to the end of the line

and turn the train around.

Oh, and please stop talking about food.

- ALBERT'S STOMACH GROWLS Look at the countryside whizzing by!

- Yeah, I'd really rather not.

- OK, fine. I suppose we're nearly there.

I shall have our picnic.

STOMACH GROWLS

- Ooh.

- Cow's tongue.

COW BELLOWS

- Oh.

- HE RETCHES

- We need to turn around.

- Oh, darling, I'm afraid that isn't how it works.

It's on tracks, you see?

You'll catch on.

- Good day. I'm here in 1863,

where the London Underground has just opened.

- SHE COUGHS

- Oh!

Yes, yes, we've now got special underground tunnels

that can transport people halfway across the city.

Oh! Sadly, we're using the same steam-blowing engines

that we use up in the open air down here in the tunnels.

- SHE COUGHS

- The smell and smoke down here is awful.

So, what did the train guards petition the company

to be allowed to do to protect themselves from the fumes?

Was it...?

The answer is A - the guards asked to be allowed to grow beards.

- SHE COUGHS

- Oh, it really is a triumph of engineering.

Just a shame I can't see it through all the smoke.

Oh!

- WHISTLE BLOWS

Probably the most popular form of transport is the car.

There are over a billion around the world,

and most of them aren't very good for the environment.

They use fossil fuels and release harmful emissions.

HE FARTS AND GASPS

We all do it!

I try to protect the planet whenever I can

by walking or riding a bike instead of driving a car.

Also, people tend to stare when they see a rat driving.

Ha-ha-ha-ha!

Of course, when the first car came out in 1885,

it didn't look much like cars do now.

To be honest, I can't believe this thing ever caught on.

- Say guten tag to the Benz First Class.

The very first practical, available-to-buy car.

That's right, I said car,

not caaaart.

The Benz Patent-Motorwagen is a three-wheel,

steering rod-controlled,

petrol-driven savage monster of a horseless carriage.

There's nothing green about this beauty

unless it's the colour you're buying it in.

It's a vehicle so new and impressive

that inventor Karl Benz's own local newspaper said

it was "useless, ridiculous and indecent".

Except they said it in German, which just looks like a cat

walked across a typewriter.

- CAT MEOWS

- Needless to say, the Government busy-bodies have insisted

that when using the UK model, you have a chap like this

walking in front of you waving a red flag.

- Guten Morgen.

Hier ist meine rote Flagge.

- Gobbledygook.

The Benz Patent-Motorwagen can do speeds of over 9mph,

and can go from zero to 2mph

faster than you can say, "What's that roaring sound?"

- ENGINE ROAR SOUND EFFECT - For my money, this First Class Benz

is the greatest human achievement since, er,

William Wheel created the wheel, probably.

But don't take my word for it -

let's hear it from an expert. This is Bertha Benz.

- Wie geht's?

- Literally means nothing.

- It means "How's it going?",

but you're clearly too ignorant to know that. - Thank you very much.

- My name is Bertha Benz -

the inventor Karl Benz's wife and colleague.

I drove this car on its first

long-distance journey when I travelled over 80km

to visit my mother.

- Well, there you go - a complex machine so simple,

even a rank amateur like her can have a go.

- It's incredibly complicated.

We had to stop at a chemist's along the road to get petrol

because that was the only place that sold it.

And, when the car broke down,

I managed to fix it

with my hairpin and my underwear.

- Probably because you can't use real tools.

So there...

- ENGINE TICKS OVER

- So there we have it,

the 1885 Benz Patent-Motorwagen.

Er, it may be the first car,

but it definitely won't be the last one like it we see on the market.

I'm betting they're going to get sleeker and faster,

but, luckily for now, I can outrun this one.

- Schnell! - Agh!

Anyone know the German for "slow down"?

- DEEP VOICE: I used to go through life walking slow.

Oh, that isn't me.

But that is.

I'm Walter Arnold and I'm a speed demon.

I don't know who that other guy is - just to be clear.

- He must be going at 8mph!

- And I can go one more faster than that.

Now I've got an automobile,

my life's one endless, high-octane road trip.

- Oi! You've can't go at that speed in town - the limit's 2mph!

Slow down or I'll charge you with speeding.

- You'll have to catch me first! - Fine.

- Ha-ha-ha-ha!

I'm a speed demon.

TYRES SCREECH

Hear the roar of my engine.

ROAR SOUND EFFECT

Eat my dust, copper.

- I'm right behind you.

- Dream on, cyclist!

Oh. I thought I was going faster than that.

I was the fastest man of 1896,

but I wasn't fast enough.

Impressive cycling. What's the charge?

- Driving at over 2mph.

- Ha! I'll be back on the street in no time.

- I'm also charging you with

not having three persons in control of the vehicle,

not having your name and address in the vehicle,

and using a locomotive without a horse.

- What?! Are those real charges?

- Yeah, I think so. You're actually the first person

who's ever been charged with speeding.

- Unbelievable!

I'm the first...

..and I'm furious.

VOICEOVER: The First And The Furious.

Having conquered travel on land and sea,

it's time for some blue-sky thinking.

That's right, I'm talking about flying.

And, way before planes, people took to the sky in hot-air balloons.

The first balloon flight was in France in 1783

and the passengers weren't people,

but a sheep, a duck and a cockerel. ANIMAL NOISES

Where was my invite? Tch!

Balloon mania took off

and, soon, people were going on big ambitious adventures.

Ooh!

FRENCH ACCENT: There it is, Monsieur Jeffries, the coast of France.

You can feel very proud - your American money

has paid for the first cross-Channel hot-air balloon flight in history.

- Thanks to your French expertise, Mr Blanchard,

our names will go down in history.

The first people to fly

from England to France.

- We are the perfect team.

- Yes, we are.

Ah! The skies.

- Yes. - The birds. - Yes.

- And the sea so close you can nearly touch it.

- Yes. Wait!

What do you mean, "close"?

Agh! We're too heavy!

We must get rid of everything that we do not need.

You, jump out!

- How dare you, sir?!

- WIND WHISTLES

BOTH: - Whoa!

- Can we lose the wings? - But if we lose the wings,

it won't look anything like a bird.

You're right, they're completely useless.

- Let's lose the wings.

- THEY GRUNT

Oh! - What about the oars? Ah!

- No, we're still too low.

Look! We're going to smash into that cliff. - Agh!

- OK, take off your clothes. - What?

- For the weight! - Oh, right, yeah, yeah.

- It's not enough! - My nerves are making me

need the little balloonist's room.

- That's it! Wee in these bottles

and then throw them over the side.

- Oh, OK.

Oh!

- Ah!

- Oh!

- Ooh!

Still going. - Mm-hm.

- Ah! - Wow!

- Ah! Two and a half litres of pee-pee.

- Oh. - I didn't know I'd been holding it in for so long.

- Oh, watch out for the fishermen. - Ah, whatever.

MAN: - Sacre bleu!

- We... We did it - we're rising!

Ah-ha-ha-ha-ha!

- We really are the perfect team.

- Ha-ha!

- Oh. - Ugh.

- WIND WHISTLES

Watch out for those trees!

CRUNCHING

Agh!

GROANING

SPITTING AND COUGHING

- Well, Blanchard, we're alive

and we successfully made the crossing. You must be so happy.

- I'd be happier if I hadn't just landed in a fir tree

with no trousers on!

My underwear is all full of needles.

Jeffries, someone's coming.

- And it seems like an angry French fisherman

with two and a half litres of pee-pee.

- You dropped this.

I thought I'd give it back to you.

- Whoa.

Heh. That's a lot of pee-pee. Ha!

- # Loo Man, Loo Man The living toilet, who ran

# From the Middle Ages with a bucket so that he can

# Have a poo in a private place

# Sitting on my bucket with a cape to hide your face

# And bum And when you're done

# I will charge depending if you did a two or one

# Loo Man! #

- Please welcome today's historical figure

who really needs the loo -

Amy Johnson!

- AUDIENCE CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

SHE FARTS

Greetings friend. - Agh! - Are you Amy Johnson,

famous British pilot from the 1930s and first woman to fly solo

from London to Australia? - Yes, I am, I fly a little...

- SHE FARTS - ..Gypsy Moth biplane I call Jason.

- SHE FARTS

- Oh! I'm so sorry.

I really need to unload some cargo. - SHE FARTS

Don't touch that! I don't know what it does.

Not to worry, you're in the right place

because I am...

..Loo Man! CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

During World War II, you flew planes all over Britain

to make sure they were in the right place

for the war effort - an important job,

but where do you do your jobs?

SHE FARTS

- Well, when I flew from England to Australia,

I stopped off in Baghdad

and I was so desperate, I just peed on the runway.

- Oh, that doesn't need to happen here...

- Oh! Great.

- ..as long as you answer two questions about your life.

It's time for Plop Quiz!

BUZZER FARTS

AUDIENCE APPLAUSE Ow!

Answer questions one and two, and I'll let you do a...

WITH AUDIENCE: - ..poo!

- Yes, um...fine, but can we please hurry it along a little?

My tyres are almost touching the runway!

- SHE FARTS

Question number one -

on your long-distance flights, did you have any proper disasters?

- Well, er, when I was flying across the Atlantic,

we ran out of fuel and landed in a bog.

- Bog? As in the toilet?

AUDIENCE CHEERING

- Oh, no, no, sorry.

I understand where the confusion came. Er, I mean a swamp.

- OK, well, question number two.

AUDIENCE LAUGHTER

Gets me every time! If you're in a plane for a long time,

how do you fit in your toilet time?

- Oh, well, I have something called a pee tube,

er, and if I need to go...

- SHE FARTS

- ..I just wee into that...

- SHE FARTS

- Ooooooh!

Is this nearly over? I've got a very heavy bomber in there

and it's really pushing on the, er, hangar doors.

- You have done more than enough. You may pass.

- Ah! - Solids. - Nooooo!

- AUDIENCE APPLAUSE

Join me next time, when I'll be stopping

more historical celebrities from having a poo

to ask them questions just for you.

- Bums away!

- AUDIENCE LAUGHS AND APPLAUDS

Amy Johnson was one of the many brave women and men

whose courage, imagination and spirit of adventure

helped us take to the skies.

Thanks to her - and the many who came before and after -

it wasn't long before the idea of flying was REALLY taking off.

MUSIC: TO THE TUNE OF SHAKE IT OFF

- # Let's all get this right

# We're talking about flight

# Started in Asia with a kite Mm-mm

# Things were looking bright Mm-mm

# Da Vinci was keen

# Drew a flying machine

# But it was never seen Mm-mm

# Flight remained his dream Mm-mm

# Then very soon the first hot-air balloon

# In France took to the sky

# With animals onboard

# People weren't prepared to risk their lives

# Then balloons are all the rage, rage, rage, rage, rage

# Blanchard took centre stage, stage, stage, stage, stage

# Wrote himself a history page, page, page, page, page

# By taking off, taking off - Woo-hoo-hoo!

- # Then the glider's on the scene, scene, scene, scene, scene

# Then an engine powered by steam, steam, steam, steam, steam

# Flight was no longer a dream, dream, dream, dream, dream

# Taking off It's taking off

# Then into the limelight

# Step the brothers Wright

# They really hit the heights Mm-mm

# First motor-powered flights Mm-mm

# Bleriot took the chance

# Flew to England from France

# Harriet Quimby followed suit - Mm-mm

- # The first woman, to boot - Hmm-hmm

- # Those planes kept cruising

# Distances improving

# Soon pilots were flying

# Across new skies

# The first transatlantic flights

# The first plane to touch down, down, down, down, down

# John Alcock and Arthur Brown, Brown, Brown, Brown, Brown

# Then Lindbergh claimed the solo crown, crown, crown, crown, crown

# Taking off, we're taking off - Woo-hoo-hoo!

- # Amelia Earheart did the same, same, same, same, same

# Then Amy Johnson flew her plane, plane, plane, plane, plane

# Long distance records were her aim, aim, aim, aim, aim

# She flew to Oz Flew to Oz!

# Then we had to fly to space, space, space, space, space

# To get there was a race, race, race, race, race

# Walking on the moon took place, place, place, place, place

# Blasting off, we're blasting off - Woo-hoo-hoo!

- # Now the future's coming soon, soon, soon, soon, soon

# A space tourism boom, boom, boom, boom, boom

# Maybe living on the moon, moon, moon, moon, moon

# Taking off, we're taking off. #