Original subtitles

Terrible Tudors, gorgeous Georgians Slimy Stuarts, vile Victorians

Woeful wars, ferocious fights Dingy castles, daring knights

Horrors that defy description Cut-throat Celts, awful Egyptians

Vicious Vikings, cruel crimes Punishment from ancient times

Romans, rotten, rank and ruthless Cavemen, savage, fierce and toothless

Groovy Greeks, brainy sages Mean and measly Middle Ages

Gory stories, we do that

And your host, a talking rat

The past is no longer a mystery

Welcome to...

Horrible Histories.

Horrible Histories presents...

Now, if you watch one song contest this year,

make sure it's the Eurovision Song Contest.

But if you watch two song contests,

then you need to watch the Rat-O-Vision song contest.

You do!

CLEARS THROAT

So please welcome your host, Rattus Rattus!

Welcome to the first-ever Rat-O-Vision Song Contest.

It's a feast for the eyes and ears

and an absolute disaster for the nose.

LAUGHTER

Yes. In this competition,

historical celebrities from around the world sing their hearts out

in a bid to win our coveted Rat-O-Vision trophy.

And to kick us off with an absolute banger

it's America's entry, sung by Thomas Edison.

Tom's written a song about the things he's invented,

but he had to cut the song

down after the dress rehearsal

because it listed all of his 1,000 plus

registered inventions.

The song was over four hours long.

Just the highlights, please, Tom.

TO THE TUNE OF: Smells Like Teen Spirit by Nirvana

Look round your house at all the things

The light that shines The phone that rings

The sounds you like

The things you view

I had a hand in all you do

Oh, who am I? The light bulb guy

You'd be surprised

Thomas Edison

The inventor

Of light bulb illuminator

Movie studio

Black Maria

Kinetoscope

Movie camera

Phonograph

Voice recorder

And the network electric power

All me

I said I'd make a new design

Every ten days

They weren't all mine

I paid for help from other minds

To bump the numbers

Never mind

With Graham Bell's phone

I did tell him what you should say

When the thing rings

I disagreed with old Bell boy

I said, "Hello"

He said, "Ahoy"

Ahoy, ahoy, ahoy, ahoy, ahoy

Imagine that

Thomas Edison, the inventor

The vitascope, the projector

Mimeograph - kind of printer

Electric pens

Not a winner

With the lights on

It's less dangerous

Yes, my light bulb

Made me famous

Yeah!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Wow. Who knew Edison could sing like that?

He sure has got some pipes -

presumably from one of his inventions.

Well, he's going to be a tough act to follow for Germany's entry

by 12th century genius, pioneer and nun Hildegarde von Bingen.

This is one of the favourites for the trophy.

Trust me, you'll all be doing the dance tomorrow,

although I can't see the wimple catching on.

TO THE TUNE OF: Blinding Lights by The Weeknd

Since the age of seven

I've been living in a nunnery

Hildegarde von Bingen That is me

I'm quite brainy

Because I feel inspired

So many ideas bursting through

My brain hums with things to do

Every day I look around COUGHING

And the sick need meds to cure them

I write mine down in book form

Let's spread our knowledge round the w-w-world

And I say

Ooh, I'm guided by insights

My mind is firing

I've got to note this down

Und I say

Ooh, so many books to write

Got to share all of this knowledge that I found

For a bit of fun

I made up a secret language

FARTING

What dog?

And music is my thing

I write hymns and chants to sing

The first musical morality play

Ja, I slay.

I look around And the natural world astounds me

Note down all that surrounds me

Wrote nine volumes.

Think I covered everything Und I say

Ooh, my mind is feeling bright

Yes, I'm a woman

But I've got knowledge too

I'm writing letters every day Letters every day

To popes and emperors to say, Emperors to say

"If you listen, I can show you a better way"

Und I say

Ooh, I'm guided by insights

My mind is firing

Hope I'm inspiring you

Und I say

Ooh, the future's looking bright

If we can think it, we could make it true.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Thank you, Germany.

Absolutely heavenly.

Next up, it's Poland's representative, LL Zamenhof.

Now, there's some controversy here because everyone's allowed to sing

in their native tongue or in English.

But what Zamenhof has done is invent a whole new language.

It might not be in the rules,

but he did invent it to try and help achieve world peace.

So let's not fight about it.

The language and the song is called Esperanto.

TO THE TUNE OF: Despacito by Luis Fonsi

Any sort of fighting I abhor

We need to find a way to prevent war

And I think that language is the solution

ALL: Ah-ah-ah

A peaceful way of resolving things

There's no need for more battling

Here's a way to stop this confusion

It's a language that I created in Poland

A way that we can keep the conversation flowing

A way of talking that will only keep on growing

It's a simple language to unite the people

It's a way of speaking that will make us equal

We can sort our problems in a way that's peaceful

It's easy to learn

There's no crazy grammar

It follows simple rules everyone can understand

Yeah, a mixture of languages

But here's the surprise

There are some words you might recognise

A bird is birdo

Cat is kato

A cake is kuko

Baby is bebo

Club is klubo

River - rivero

Music - muziko

Problem - problemo

Stop me if I'm wrong

I wouldn't want to offend

You're just taking a word and sticking an O on the end

I see why you've said that

There's really more to it

Don't be put off Everyone here can do it

ALL: It's a language that I created in Poland

A way that we can keep the conversation flowing

A way of talking that will only keep on growing

It's a simple language to unite the people

It's a way of speaking that will make us equal

We can sort our problems in a way that's peaceful...

Any questions?

Excellent.

Oh, I'm fluent already.

Next up, we've got a pair of true artists from Italy.

The total genius Leonardo da Vinci

and the equally brilliant Michelangelo.

And it features a special guest appearance from Raphael,

who's no slouch either.

The three of them are wonderful creators who, together,

transformed the art world during the Renaissance.

And, of course, they've had Ninja Turtles named after them.

Sweet.

TO THE TUNE OF: Total Eclipse of the Heart by Bonnie Tyler

Renaissance

Every now and then

I try to picture the art in the Dark Ages

Before changes began

Renaissance

Nobody was listening to new ideas

Said they liked things just as they stand

Renaissance

But studying the Classics from Rome and Greece

Gave us thoughts we'd not had before

Renaissance An explosion of creation

Music, sculpture in the nudie

Paintings and more

Renaissance art guys

Every day is like a brand-new start

Renaissance art guys

BOTH: Every day, we revolutionise art

Renaissance

Everybody knows that Florence is the place

Arty-farty types really should be

Renaissance

Masaccio, Donatello

True artists created visions so lifelike that they looked real

Renaissance

The Medicis have the wonga

The Pope tells us to bling the Vatican

Renaissance

Raphael masters oil

Botticelli's Venus - he's careful to cover all the bums

Renaissance art guys

Every day is like a brand-new start

Renaissance art guys

Fighting with our brushes to make art

And now you all can see

My technique is getting better

And if our patrons pay their fee

Our legacy will last forever

Study anatomy to make the right body

Cos before they looked shoddy

Together, light and dark

Make these people look 3D

Cos we all have shadows on us

Look at me

Look at me

Perspective gives us depth

Our backgrounds come alive

We study nature and oil paint brings it to life

I really think this will last

History will remember my art

No, history will remember MY art

Once upon a time, your paintings moved me to tears

Yours always just made me laugh

Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha!

BOTH: What can we say?

We totally eclipsed the old art

Sistine Chapel

The Mona Lisa

Totally eclipsed the old art

Statue of David

Sketch of an helicopter

BOTH: Totally eclipsed the old art.

Held the last note a bit longer than you.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Amazing.

Those guys are responsible for

some of humankind's greatest creations.

But this is the only work of art that we're interested in right now.

Ah, stunning. I can smell it from here.

But if they want to win it, they'll have to get past Greece.

Here's Ptolemy, the ancient Greek astronomer,

with his song all about the stars he named after Greek legends.

Well, he may have his head in the clouds,

but he's got some great moves for an ancient fella.

This is Greece and Ptolemy with A Sky Full Of Myths.

TO THE TUNE OF: A Sky Full Of Stars by Coldplay

Up there's a sky

Up there's a sky full of myths

I'm Ptolemy

I wrote them down in a list

If you look high and screw your eyes up a bit

You will see all the myths

Lyra's there

It was played by Orpheus

Pegasus and Perseus too

That one's a bull

That we call Taurus

That bull is Zeu-eu-eu-eu-s

Just think of constellations like big dot-to-dots, man.

That one's Hercules

or Heracles if you're saying it properly.

There's Cancer - the crab that bit Heracles' foot.

Leo the lion that Heracles killed.

Triangulum, the...

..triangle.

Well, they can't all be great stories.

Over there

That lot are Cassiopeia

The Great Bear's up there too-oo-oo-oo

Cos in the sky

The Greeks, we put all the myths

All our stories on view Ooh-ooh-ooh, ooh-ooh-ooh...

I wrote down 48 constellations in my 150 AD book, The Almagest.

So, What does it mean?

Oh, "The Greatest!"

Is that referring to me or the stars?

You decide.

I think you know the answer. HE CLICKS HIS TONGUE

Look up there

Everywhere you see stars

Well, if the clouds have blown through

Ooh-ooh-ooh, ooh-ooh-ooh

Up there's a sky

Up there's a sky full of myths

Oh, yeah And the moo-oo-oo-oo-oon!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Well, that is, hands down, the best song I've ever heard...

..about an ancient Greek bloke naming stars after Greek myths.

LAUGHTER But here we go -

it's the English entry, and it's a family affair,

with Henry VIII and his whole Tudor royal family.

They've written a song about one of the big issues of their day,

choosing which form of Christianity the country should follow -

Protestantism or Catholicism.

It makes some really good points,

which is funny because I doubt it's going to get any points,

especially from the Pope. CHEERING

This track is an absolute banger.

TO THE TUNE OF: No Scrubs by TLC

The Pope is a guy God thinks is fine

He's also a real good friend of mine

"Defender of the Faith", he calls me

Cos I'm such a great Catholic, see?

Then I got bored of Catherine

And I wanted to marry Anne

Then The Pope said cos I'm Catholic

I gotta be a one-woman man

So, no, I don't want no Pope

The Pope is a guy that can't get no love from me

Gonna split from the Catholics

Now the head of the English Church...is me...

Ah, I can die happy and pass the church onto my Protestant son.

Give em hell, Edward!

HE COUGHS AND WHEEZES

Ugh...

Awkward! Mary time.

Then Brother Eddie perished

And Now the country's mine

And Cos I was brought up Catholic

I'll change it back one more time

Cos, oh, how I love the Pope

The Pope is the guy who reps my God for me

And if you don't agree, that's totally fine

I'll just burn you for heresy...

Ah, Lizzie in the house!

Yeah!

Now Mary died, the country's mine

How will we pray? I must decide

Born Protestant, raised with Catholics

I really can see both sides

Sure If I trash the Catholics

Then The whole church is mine

And If they don't obey me

I'll charge them a hefty fine

So, no, I don't want no Pope

The English Church should all be about me

Head of church and state

That sounds great

Call it Act of Supremacy

I don't want no Pope Oh...

No, sirree

But what will happen after me?

Get out!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Honestly, I can't see any other country

having something to match Queen Elizabeth I.

On to our next entry now.

It's Spain, and Queen Elizabeth I.

What?! She's representing Spain as well?!

I don't care if it is a duet with King Philip II of Spain.

Surely that's against the rules.

Ah, well. Here's Liz and Phil with a song

all about their countries' great rivalry.

Good luck, everyone.

WHISPERING: Let's just say

these two don't get along.

Oh... CHEERING

ROCK MUSIC PLAYS

I'm Philip the Second I'm the King of Spain

I'm Liz the First and over England I reign

I married your sister, Mary One

But I'm Queen now that she has gone

I need a new wife You're the perfect fit

Apart from the "not being a Catholic" bit

If we get together, our countries can be friends

And if I say no?

The friendship ends

Ah, you're everything I'm looking for

It's an easy decision

All you gotta do is change your religion

You know what, Philip? I'll take my chances

I'm not interested in having romances

Europe ain't big enough for the both of us

If that's the way you want it, I can cause a fuss

I got the power of the Spanish Empire I can deploy, yeah

Well, I'll do everything I can just to annoy ya...

SHE HOLDS A HIGH NOTE

Yeah! SHE BLOWS A RASPBERRY

BOTH: You and me, a rivalry

A war of words A war at sea

I'll send Francis Drake to steal your treasure

I'll back your enemies for good measure

I'll be supporting loads of Catholic plots

To have you replaced with Mary, Queen of the Scots

Oh, do what you like That don't scare me much

I'll get you involved in a war with the Dutch

Let's see how you cope with my Spanish Armada

Ha! Is that all you've got? You're gonna have to try harder...

Ha-ha-ha! Yeah!

OK, so my armada turned out not to be a threat

And actually landed me in quite a bit of debt

We'll turn the screw and send our own fleet

And lose 40 ships and have to retreat

Is this constant warring ever gonna end?

Could've been so different if we could have been friends

So let's both die before hostilities cease

And leave it to our successors

To work out peace...

Yeah!

BOTH: You and me, a rivalry

A war of words A war at sea

Protestant Liz, Catholic Phil

Both going in for the kill!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

I'm hearing that Phil has offered to put their rivalry behind them

and asked Liz to marry him. AUDIENCE: Aww!

Beautiful!

And Liz has said...

Ahh! Yikes!

I'm not reading that out! AUDIENCE: Ooh...

Let's just say she said no and move on.

It's France's entry next,

and it's another song by royal appointment.

It's Queen Eleanor of Aquitaine,

the only woman ever to have been queen of both France and England.

She was a great queen, but she was an even greater mum.

And she's got some moves, too.

If this is half as good as it was in rehearsal,

you are in for a treat.

I'm Henry, the Young King.

King Richard! King John, yeah! And this is our mum.

TO THE TUNE OF: Crazy In Love by Beyonce

Eleanor of Aquitaine

My name's Queen Eleanor of Aquitaine

Oh-oh-oh-oh, no, no Oh-oh-oh-oh

First up, I was the Queen of France,

Wife of King Louis Seven, was a bad romance

Took a boat all the way across to England

Gave the English king over there my hand

Was my wish to be a really great mum

Had boys - Henry, Richard, and John

But a happy family was an odd thing

Henry started up a war with his dad, the king

Had to choose between my husband and my son

That's a no-brainer for a mum

I chose to try and help my boy, Henry, to reign

So my hubby threw me into jail A shame

Eleanor of Aquitaine

My name's Queen Eleanor of Aquitaine

Three sons, they all want to reign

My name's Queen Eleanor of Aquitaine

Oh-oh-oh-oh, no, no Oh-oh-oh-oh

Young Henry died of dysentery... PFFFRT!

My son, Richard, now King, set me free

He didn't care about finding a young wife

Seems he had a better plan for his own life

Soon he went across the seas on a crusade

Helped to rule in his place What an accolade

He got captured far away in another land

Then things at home got out of hand

Cos my boy, Johnny, got greedy

Soon invaded, took a castle or two or three

Told everyone his bro, King Rich, was dead

And England was now his land instead

Eleanor of Aquitaine

My name's Queen Eleanor of Aquitaine

Three sons, they all want to reign

My name's Queen Eleanor of Aquitaine

Oh-oh-oh-oh, no, no Oh-oh-oh-oh

I guess John was lying, saying Richard had died

Travelled to Austria to be by his side

To set him free, I paid for his release

Bought him all the way home, said this fighting must cease

Made my boys promise to always be friends

Gave Richard his crown back to his peaceful end

Then I supported my youngest, King John

Tell you, ain't no job harder than being a mum

Oh-oh-oh-oh, no, no.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Yaaas, Queen!

I think we may have just seen the winner,

but you never know, because we're about to go old school

with the Ancient Egyptian entry.

Before there were kings and queens in Europe,

there were pharaohs in Ancient Egypt.

And we have three of them here tonight -

Ramesses II, Hatshepsut and Tutankhamun -

singing Ancient Egypt's entry.

It's a fun little number about what pharaohs do when they're dead.

Honestly, couldn't they have chosen a cheerier subject?

But everyone will be humming this tune at the afterparty.

Not to mention the afterlife.

TO THE TUNE OF: Gangster's Paradise by Coolio

We all know we're heading to the Valley of Death

We want eternal life after our last breath

Cos I've been a pharaoh Got a Neme on my head

But when we die, we need help from the Book of the Dead

It's a magic scroll of hymns to the sun god, Ra

To help us through the afterlife There's many things we must say

Like, "I've never uttered lies, never been an eavesdropper"

"I have never raised my voice Lived my life so proper"

Every text is different Written for each soul

But you know, in the end, we only got one goal

These rules will remind us once we cease to be

And help us live in peace for all eternity

Unh!

ALL: Been waiting all our lives to get into Pharaoh's Paradise

These words will be our guide to living in a Pharaoh's Paradise

Spells are written on tomb walls Inside our mummy wrappings

Even in gold masks and other Pharaoh trappings

Cos getting into Paradise, you know it ain't easy

Your heart is weighed against the feather

Hope it ain't breezy

Then we all board a ferry, cross the Lily Lake

To the Field of Reeds the Ferryman will take us

Then we'll meet our friends and old beloved pets

In the Field of Reeds we'll have eternal rest, yeah

Yeah, death ain't nothing but a new form of living

So glad we got the Book of the Dead and the advice it's giving

I'm 18 now But will I ever see 20, though?

You better hurry with my book Don't be slow, mm

Been waiting all our lives to get into Pharaoh's Paradise

These words will be our guide to living in a Pharaoh's Paradise

Been spending most our lives avoiding dangerous crocodiles...

ROARING

Preparing all our lives for living in a Pharaoh's Paradise.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Well, the votes have been counted and verified,

and I'm ready to announce the winner.

Not that it matters,

because music and history are the real winners here

and none of our entries really mind about the results.

BLADES SWISH, HE GASPS

Er... HE GULPS

And the winner of the first - and most probably last - ever

Rat-O-Vision Song Contest is...

DRUM ROLL Er...

..everyone! What?! BOOING

Yeah, you all won so everyone can relax, and...

I won! BICKERING AND FIGHTING

Oh. Well, at least they're fighting each other and not me.

I think I'll sneak out while they're not looking.

And if no-one else wants that trophy...

..I'm having it!

Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha!

It'll be the next language

of international...languages.

LAUGHTER

THEY LAUGH

The past is no longer a mystery

Hope you enjoyed

Horrible Histories!

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